Gender Questions
121-130
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THE
QUESTION:
GE130: Why don't women who start getting hair on their upper
lip - sometimes to the extent that it becomes a true and full
mustache - shave it off? I've heard the argument that it will just
grow in thicker, but men shave their faces regularly, as do women
their legs. Why not their upper lips?
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Cliff C., 33, black male
<coles@ieminc.com>, Baton
Rouge, LA
ANSWER 1:
I have often wondered this myself. I guess some women
think the resulting stubble would be worse than the mustache. Nearly
all women have hair on their upper lips. It usually isn't noticeable,
although some choose to wax, which totally removes the hair and
causes it to grow back more sparsely over time. (It's also painful!)
But I've heard shaving doesn't actually make hair grow back thicker;
it's an illusion caused by the fact that all the hair is the same
length.
POSTED MARCH 31,1999
G. Carrington, female, 28
<gcarrington2@yahoo.com>,
TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Women who don't shave generally aren't motivated to do so.
What purpose would it serve? The basic reason anyone, male or female,
shaves or doesn't shave any part of their body is to conform to
either their own or culturally imposed esthetics (which vary) and
sometimes religious reasons. If it doesn't bother them, why should it
bother you? Learn to value diversity!
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
DykeOnByke, non-shaving woman
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield , MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I started growing a "mustache" about three years ago. I
just didn't care for the way it looked. I researched all the options
and decided that shaving was the easiest and cheapest method to deal
with it. Besides, my wife thinks its sexy.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Alma, white lesbian
<pridewks@seacove.net>,
Kempner , TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE129: Why are so many white men and women fascinated with
blond hair? A lot of women I work with claim to be natural blonds,
though they are obviously not (dark roots showing). As far as I can
tell,the only blonds I've seen are white children. From what I can
tell, blonds are something to be desired, and brunettes aren't.
Why?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
Amee, 19, biracial female
<TNPerson35@aol.com>,
Fort Campbell , KY
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THE QUESTION:
GE128: Why do many women, even when strongly complimented on
an attribute, soon change that attribute, if they can? For example,
if you tell a woman you like her hairstyle, she will no doubt have
her hair different within the next few weeks. You would think a
compliment would have the effect of a woman trying to maintain that
certain look. But I do not observe this to be true, especially in
younger women.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
W.G., 35, male, Cincinnati, OH
ANSWER 1:
A lot of times women are competing with each other. From
what I see, there are cliques everywhere trying to aspire to
diva-dom. But usually, when women change something, it's just a way
to change things up, something fun. For example, my greatest
attribute was my hair. Then I cut it. It was definitely too
high-maintenance. Now it's back to where it was before, and I'll keep
my hair this way for the rest of my life. It's a cycle kind of thing,
with outside influences. Looking back on what I did, trying to spite
some people was part of it, and it was really cool to have shorter
hair back then, the kind that was barely past your shoulders.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
L. Quinne, Hispanic female
<Reina_62@hotmail.com>,
Blaine, MN
FURTHER NOTICE:
For me, it's not an intentional change. I've often gotten
compliments on my "peaches and cream" complexion. Without fail,
within a few days, I break out with acne! As far as hair (or
hairstyles) go, my hair grows very fast. As soon as I get a cut and
style I like and that looks good, it grows out within a few weeks.
It's as frustrating to me as it is to you, believe me.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
Chip, 28, single white female, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
A woman would keep her hairstyle if complimented on by a
man only if reactions from other men are what determine her "look."
However, many of us present ourselves in the way we choose to,
as opposed to the way anyone else thinks we should look. But not all
women change their look frequently.
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
Ilona, 22, lesbian
<l_i_tipp@hotmail.com>,
Boston, MA
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THE QUESTION:
GE127: To men: Do you ever experience anything similar to hot
flashes?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Carol V., female, Annapolis, MD
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THE QUESTION:
GE126: Is it really possible to "forgive and forget" when your
spouse has been unfaithful?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
J., 40, TX
ANSWER 1:
I am only able to forgive and forget until the next
argument. Then the unfaithfulness issue comes back, and there is a
statement like: "You're the one who was unfaithful." I think
that if you are in a relationship you really want to work out you
should not tell if you've been unfaithful. It leaves the other with
anger, disappointment and possibly guilt, and it does not help
yourself, because you still have the guilt, too.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1999
HEvaRe, Tilburg, The Netherlands
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THE QUESTION:
GE125: When a man sees a woman who has many features that are
obviously fake, like Pamela Anderson Lee, what is the attraction? To
me, this looks really bizarre. I would rather be seen with a guy who
is obese and pockmarked than with one who has obviously fake body
parts and hair color.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1999
Cherie, white "babe," 27, CA
ANSWER 1:
When people alter their bodies to look "perfect," often
they just come out looking fake, and I would rather have a real woman
than a manufactured mannequin. Some people I know have commented that
the singer Jewel needs braces to straighten her teeth, and then she
would be perfect. Perhaps, but that slight imperfection makes her
real and infinitely more beautiful in my eyes than Pamela Anderson
ever could be.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Stephen S., 31
<SAScheidt@aol.com
please do not post>
San Antonio , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Many men can get turned on by a two-dimensional,
air-brushed photograph on a sheet of paper (fortunes have been made
on that fact), so it's no surprise that many can be attracted to
three-dimensional women who are 90 percent original parts. Says
something about men, huh?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
B. Hale, umm, not like all those other guys
<halehart@aol.com>,
Hartford , CT
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I do not find Ms. Anderson particularly attractive, and I
know many other men who feel the same way. It's not always easy to
understand why you're not attracted to someone. Certainly in her case
there is a certain "unnaturaleness" (I know that's not a real word)
to her top-heavy, silicone-enriched appearance. Many men are
attracted to this unnaturally skinny, large-breasted blonde ideal
probably for the same reason so many women go to such lengths to
achieve it. Popular culture (movies, TV, magazines) has conditioned
them to accept or at least recognize it as the concept of feminine
beauty.
Somewhere along the line, most men (at least I assume it's most
men) grow up a little and come to understand that the Pamela
Andersons of this world are a dime a dozen. True beauty requires a
certain physical honesty and individuality. To me, the Meg Ryans and
Gillian Andersons and Sandra Bullocks are far more physically
attractive because they don't look like they are trying to look like
Cindy Crawford or some other model. Of course it doesn't hurt that
most of the characters they have played have been strong,
intelligent, compassionate thoroughly lovable women, whereas Ms.
Anderson's one movie role appeared to be just a tramp with a gun.
That said, even though I can honestly say I'm not really attracted
to Ms. Anderson, I can understand why many men might find her image
visually stimulating (as a learned response from adolescence) and
others might find it interesting from an almost freakshow type of
view. I differentiate these responses from attraction, however,
because they could just as easily be generated by a cartoon
character.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Mark, 32, white male, Alexandria, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Since you signed your post "white babe," I have to assume
you are naturally attractive. What if you weren't? What if you never
were? So many things that you may take for granted would not be so.
That passing look from that really cute guy you want to meet. And
additionally, many unpleasant remarks you never heard aimed at you,
suddenly would be. If someone wants to enhance their looks with
surgery, what is the problem? The fact is that looks are not just
superficial. Women who look better and men who are taller are more
likely to get better jobs. Appearance is important. Almost every U.S.
president was taller than his opposition. As for natural, Western
humans are not "natural" creatures. We have altered so much of the
environment and our role in nature that we do not fit in it. Western
human life is artificial, so what is the difference if the breasts
are as well?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
R. Delorimier
<r_delorimier@yahoo.com>,
San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
For guys, it's easy to overlook the "fake or real"
question if what you see looks good - whether it's fake or real. Guys
don't always think with their heads. Now, if what's fake looks bad
because it's fake, (like poorly done surgery, etc.) then that's a
turnoff. Otherwise, if women have had a face lift, tummy tuck, lipo
thighs, etc., we can overlook the fake part if what we see is
attractive.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Kevin, 36, male
<kmcmanis@mediaone.net>,
Los Angeles, CA
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
GE124: Why do some men assume attractive women are not
intelligent?
POSTED MARCH 1, 1999
Kimberly B., 20, female
<KIMSVT@aol.com>, Temecula
, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE123: Why do women expect men to take care of them? Aren't
women of all races equally capable of existing without a "Sugar
Daddy"?
POSTED FEB. 28, 1999
Enlightened Female, San Marcos, Ca
ANSWER 1:
Women of all races are capable of existing without a
"Sugar Daddy," but I do not understand where race comes into this
question. I think a lot of women are trying to be superwomen and
enlightened at the expense of their well-being. I do not advocate a
return to the days when we were discriminated against for being women
and had few choices to make, but I am not going to try to "do it all"
just to prove my superiority as a female. If a woman has a mate who
wants to "take care of her," what is wrong with that choice for
her?
POSTED MARCH 3, 1999
Belinda, 51, white female, Orlando, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Societal pressures, norms and mores of the here-and-now
emphasize from a young age how important it is to achieve and
maintain a perfect figure, perfect hair, perfect polished skin, etc,
all in an attempt to snag a man. Then, once you've got him, you can
kick those heels off and let him take care of you. Outmoded and
unlikely? Yup. Going away any time soon? Nope. Some women are raised
to believe the fairy tale, but few meet Prince Charming. It's a
product of moms who say "You aren't leaving the house without your
hair done, are you?" and dads who want their little girl to be
protected and cared for, which is very sweet and well-meaning but
doesn't necessarily prepare her to be a grown woman buying her own
home and taking care of herself. Those girls who go to college to get
their "MRS Degree" are woefully unprepared for the bills and the
taxman when husband No. 1 hits the road.
POSTED MARCH 3, 1999
Kat, single white female with no Sugar Daddy, thank you very much,
Birmingham , AL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Not all women look for a man to take care of them. My
husband died more than 15 years ago. I did not go on a manhunt to
replace him, even though I had friends who tried to convince me that
my sons really needed a father. Although I did have to postpone my
education until my sons were older, I was able to provide the
essentials for them. We did not live in a posh mansion or eat caviar,
but they never went hungry and always had a roof over their heads. I
did not, and still do not, look for a man to "take care" of me. I am
now back in college, pursuing my Phd. in psychology. If I met someone
I could click with, so be it. I have male friends who volunteer to do
the handywork around the house that I can't do (and there's not much
that I can't handle) but they know I'm not looking for a Sugar
Daddy.
POSTED MARCH 3, 1999
Angie W., female, 42, University of Kansas
<ajwalden@falcon.ukans.edu.com>,
Lawrence , KS
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
We must live on different planets. Once upon a time, there
was something we now call a division of labor, which had to do with
which jobs members of each gender were expected to do. The tradition
has been rather fractured in recent years, and left all kinds of
various different arrangements in its wake. At my home ... well, I
bought the house, and until very recently contributed quite a bit
more to the household account than my husband (we're now contributing
equal amounts). I'm the one doing investing, and I'm also the one who
tends to have a lot more money accessible at any given time, which
means I have more of a say in large financial decisions. I'm also the
one who does almost all of the cooking, and rather more than my share
of the rest of the housework. (OK, cooking is one of my favorite
hobbies, and I'm a bit of a neat freak.) This domestic situation is
shared by most of the young women I know. I like to think we are
stumbling closer to some kind of equity, but it isn't quick, and it
isn't easy.
POSTED MARCH 3, 1999
Catherine H., female
<tylik@eskimo.com>,
Woodinville , WA
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THE QUESTION:
GE122: If a couple has agreed to separate so they can have
time alone before deciding what to do about their relationship,
should either one of them date other people? My girlfriend and others
have encouraged me to do this, but I'm not interested until I know
what will happen with us.
POSTED FEB. 24, 1999
Michael M., 44, male
<DAD49er@webtv.net>,
Manteca, CA
ANSWER 1:
Your girlfriend may be trying to let herself off the hook
because she wants to date other people while you are apart. I would
not date other people because no matter how much she says she wants
you to, she would really be hurt if you did. If you are afraid you'll
be missing out on something, make a pact with your girlfriend that
there will be no discussion of "dates" after you two get back
together. This will help ease bruised egos.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
E.A. 23, white
<Ealberts@yahoo.com>,
Baltimore , MD
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THE QUESTION:
GE121: Who has an easier lifestyle: Guys or girls?
POSTED FEB. 23, 1999
Cathy, female
ANSWER 1:
It depends on how you look at it. Women tend to give and
receive more emotional support, live longer and can bear children.
However, women also face more discrimination, earn less money than
men (on average) and are more likely to be victims of sexual assault
and eating disorders. Men are physically stronger, hold most powerful
positions in the world,and are naturally more aggressive. While women
try to live up to certain standards of beauty and taking care of
others, men feel the "boys don't cry" pressure of being pillars of
strength and being far more hesitant to express their emotions. By
the way, while I am fairly sure all of this is generally accurate,
it's pretty much what the media has fed me for 21 years ... although
my observations support everything above as well.
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
S.R., white female, 21, Austin , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Absolutely beyond any debate, guys have it easier. Less
focus on physical appearance. Less confusion over adult roles
(breadwinner). Simpler, cheaper clothes that stay in style for long
periods of time. No menstrual cycle. No labor pains. No menopause. No
breastfeeding at 3 a.m. Less fear for physical safety. No changing
your name. Greater physical strength. No leg shaving. No armpit
shaving. More money for the same work. Able to eat more calories
without gaining weight. Gray hair is a sign of distinction. Can
urinate standing up.
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
B. Hale, Mr. got it so easy, male
<halehart@aol.com>,
Hartford , CT
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have never felt the pressure to conform, be popular or
be part of a clique, which I'm sure is a huge weight on the shoulders
of some girls. Therefore, I believe it is worse to be a guy. It seems
to me that in male society, they keep at least one guy in the group
to be the butt of jokes and humiliated. This one guy gives the rest
of the guys security and the opportunity to feel superior to someone.
That is a cruel way to grow up. Addionally, boys and men may have
more fun and freedom, but they also have more expectations laid on
them. If I don't want to go out in the cold, my husband will shovel
the driveway or start my car because it's expected for a male to do
that for females. Men are expected to give up their lives if
it comes to that, i.e. if they're present at a bank robbery or around
when there's a rampaging lion. Women expect men to do that for them,
and they do, to some extent. It amazes me.
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
Lynda, 29, white female, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Lynda: It has always been my experience that women are
usually more generous than men, but you have set a new standard in
this regard. Where to start? Boys do compete with one another
constantly growing up, and often the low guy on the totem pole gets
jerked around some. But almost invariably, boys get to play both
sides of that equation at some point in their development, and even
the bottom guy is usually recognized as an essential part of the
group. He's not given more teasing than he can handle.
Young girls, on the other hand, can be spectacularly cruel to each
other, to the point of regularly reducing their victims to tears or
inducing mental/eating disorders. As for expectations laid on adult
men, if we by and large lived up to these expectations, you might be
able to argue that it is an equitable arrangement for women's child
bearing/rearing roles. When I see that most men won't even hold the
door open for a woman, much less give up their seat on the metro, I
have to wonder if you're not wildly optimistic about expecting these
men to give up their lives to protect you. I'm not saying that we
shouldn't, and I hope that I would - I am just not too confident that
the majority of men feel the same way.
Even if you threw out all the physical differences listed in
earlier responses, I would still say that we men came out so far
ahead. Hockey provides a perfect analogy. Women are like the goal
tenders; their job is to react and maintain the status quo, and they
are rarely recognized unless they screw up. Men are like the
forwards, who have to score goals, dish out punishment and take the
occasional stick to the face. There's a lot more glory and a lot more
satisfaction being a forward, but it's the goalie who wins the
game.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Mark, 32, married white male, Alexandria, VA
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