Gender Questions
31-40
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THE
QUESTION:
GE40: What is the overall opinion of people sleeping together
on the first date or the initial encounter? As a man, I would surely
sleep with a woman given the chance, but I would have a real problem
forming any kind of solid relationship with her.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Pasquale, 30, male
<Pasquale@homedics.com>,
Dearborn, MI
ANSWER 1:
My husband and I were casual acquaintances when we first
had sex - we hadn't even been dating. Not surprisingly, we were both
slightly intoxicated at the time. The next day we had a really
honest, frank discussion about why we did it, how we felt about our
potential relationship and whether we felt having sex was a mistake.
This is a key point - being honest about each other's future
intentions. Since that night, he and I have spent every possible
minute together; we dated for three years after that and have been
married one year. I don't recommend having sex on the first "date" -
we were just very lucky to be so compatible afterwards.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Stef H., white female, Norfolk, Va
FURTHER NOTICE:
I don't let myself get into bed with a woman unless I am
certain I could be comfortable with a long-term relationship with
her. Physical intimacy is something I am looking for in a long-term
relationship, so if I slept with a woman on the first date, she
obviously swept me off my feet. In general, women's and men's
personalities are not different in that respect. You have the "shy,
silent" types and you have the "date-em and dump-em" types on both
sides. Women can exhibit the same traits that men stereotypically
have shown for generations. If you are basing a relationship only on
sleeping or not sleeping with someone, then you have to evaluate your
priorities of what you want in a relationship. I'm looking for
someone who is a close friend, but also knows the value of
intimacy.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Dan, 27, white, college educated
<dan_linder@yahoo.com>,
Omaha, NE
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If a woman or a man wants to have a sexual encounter on
the first date, there is nothing wrong with it. Having sex on a first
date is not a commitment to anything other than having a good time on
a first date. I think in our culture, we place too much emphasis on
sex. Sex is to be enjoyed for the pure physical pleasure of it. Why
does there have to be a commitment or an emotional attachment to it?
If, having sexual encounters with a partner, a relationship forms,
this is a bonus. However, to have sex for the pure enjoyment of sex
is a go in my book as long as it is safe sex and the partners protect
themselves from an unwanted pregnancy.
POSTED JAN. 21, 1999
Sher S., female, 52
<sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>,
Raleigh, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Gee Sher, where were you when I was single? Seriously,
Sher is somewhat right: Society does impose a lot of hang-ups on sex.
Always has. And there's a reason for it: Sex is more than just
physical pleasure; it's an emotionally entangling act. Frankly, you
should know a whole lot about who you're going to get entangled with
than you can find out in the course of one date. I also believe that
if you are going enjoy the act, you should also be ready to accept
and take responsibility for all of its possible consequences. No
amount of birth control is foolproof, save abstinence; condoms do not
provide full protection against AIDS and other diseases. I feel sex
is something special that should be shared between two loving
partners with their eyes open; it is not something to be treated as
casually as a handshake.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Dan H., liberal moralist, Charlottesville, VA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE39: Should a person reveal a promiscuous sexual history to a
future mate? If so, at what point in or before the relationship? Does
promiscuity matter if the behavior is no longer being done? And
finally, is it looked upon worse for a woman or a man to have been
promiscuous?
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Sherri C., 24, single straight female, squeak@connected.bc.ca,
Campbell River, British Columbia, Canada
ANSWER 1:
I think promiscuous behavior should be discussed (as
opposed to �revealed,� which sounds more negative) for two reasons:
One, we live in a world where infectious diseases are transmitted by
sex. Promiscuity increases the chances of that happening. Two, it is
a matter of trust. To get such a past out in the open is better than
having it come out in other ways (rumors, etc.) As to when, it should
probably happen before the relationship becomes sexual. As for men
and women being judged differently, I think women are usually judged
harshly for it, while men are considered manlier for it. One of too
many double standards. Finally, I believe a relationship is about the
future. Both parties should know each other�s pasts, but not be
judgmental about it.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Gordon P., 31
<gordon@albedodesign.com>,
Sunnyvale, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Unless there are some other aspects to the promiscuity
that you didn't mention (you have a kid, a sexually transmitted
disease, you were abused as a child, etc.), I say stick with the
phrase, "More mystery, less history." Just dropping such information
into a relationship certainly isn't going to help you get closer to
anyone. Let 'em wonder.
POSTED SEPT. 5 ,1998
Erik, 24
<ekrav@nicom.com>,
Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe in honesty in a relationship, but if something
is truly in the past and a person is no longer promiscuous and has
been tested negative for all STDs, I'd think twice before saying
anything. Personally, I don't think I would want to know. That kind
of information might just haunt me or make me feel unsteady in the
relationship, or jealous. I wouldn't lie about it. But if it really
is in the over-and-done-with past, telling might not be the best in
every situation. Find out if your partner really wants to know.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jessica, white female, 26, bisexual
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
N , NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE38: If a married man is not having the frequency of sexual
relations with his wife that he would like, is it OK to seek out
other married women in the same situation for consensual sex?
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
A.D., Sopchoppy, FL
ANSWER 1:
I'm my opinion, no. But then I'm not married to you.
Traditionally, marriage means monogamy. What does your wife think?
Hers is the opinion that counts.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Used to be wild, now married and monogamous no matter what, Long
Beach, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Unless you married your wife solely for sex, why would you
even consider doing this? I suggest speaking to your wife and letting
her know your unhappiness with the frequency of lovemaking. You never
know, she may be dissatisfied as well and want to try to rekindle the
spark. Perhaps a marriage counselor who specializes in sex therapy
would be helpful as well. Oh, and if my husband ever did that to me,
he'd be divorced in a heartbeat. Make sure you are willing to lose
her before thinking with your other "brain."
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Kris, 23, white married female, Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I feel it's absolutely not OK in this day and age,
for several reasons: 1) Sexual promiscuity of any kind can be deadly
to you and others, married or not. 2) It is dishonest and morally
incorrect if you really care for your mate. 3) Put yourself in the
shoes of the other. Would you have them do that to you?
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Vickie, Mililani, HI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it would depend on whether your marriage is
focused on sex or not. If there is something deeper than a purely
sexual component to the marriage, then it would seem a breach of
trust to go elsewhere. However, that is an answer based on the idea
of marriage as a sacrament, etc. Sometimes spouses do not care about
that kind of thing. But here's something to consider: If you are
doing it behind her back, then there is a reason you do not want her
to know, and that implies that you already know that she would
definitely not approve (as I would expect). You have to ask yourself,
"How important are my marriage vows?" before you can really have a
good answer to your question.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John K., 24, straight white male
<the-macs@geocities.com>,
Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
If you're not satisfied with the sexual aspect of your
marriage, you should talk with your wife and work on it. If
necessary, get some outside counseling. Chances are, there's
something else that's bothering your wife and resulting in her lack
of interest in frequency of sex. I think most marriages have times
when one or the other partner is more or less interested in sex. It's
one of the things that goes into the "good times and bad" part of the
vows.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Cindy, 42, divorced white female,
<cabernet@teleport.com>,
Hillsboro, OR
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
No.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Jess and Heather
<drsc0tt@aol.com>, New
York, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE37: If females can file suit to join male sports teams,
shouldn't males be allowed to file suit to enter traditionally female
sports and teams? Or should we do away with a gender qualification
completely? If that were the case, then performance and ability would
be the only criteria for acceptance.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Marty, 51, male, Martysus@ix.netcom.com, Mission Viejo, CA
ANSWER 1:
In an ideal world that's exactly the way things should work. Our
world is, and has been, struggling for a racial, sexual and otherwise
balanced equality in sports, the job market, armed services, etc. ad
infinitum. In regard to race, people's abilities are all the same,
except for our individual differences. But men and women, as a
rule, still vary greatly in regard to physical abilities. This is
why, I believe, we have separate men's and women's leagues - so each
sex can have appropriate competitors to play against. Only in rare
instances are women able to compete equally with men. Our society
finds the few women able to play at the men's level hard to accept.
So these women are having to push the limits, in court if necessary.
In some instances, it might be appropriate for a man to sue to play
on a women's team, for example, if there were not a men's team
available for him to play on. How about traditionally female events,
like water ballet? But then, how would a muscular, hairy man's leg
look sticking up out of the water with a dozen women's legs?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
38, female, worked in non-traditional fields, Long Beach, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE36: Why do men have nipples? I have asked this question of
many people, and even doctors couldn't tell me.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Lee, 35, white, Atlanta, GA
ANSWER 1:
Nipples are an integral part of what makes the male body
aesthetically pleasing. That is the best I can come up with, and it's
good enough for me.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
I honestly don't know. Even my male dog has them. Don't
you think you would look rather odd without them, though?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C.
<eoder1@compulinx-net.net>,
Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The differences between male and female anatomy are not as
great as we think. All of us are female in the early stages of fetal
development; only after a hormone siege in pre-natal development do
some of us become male. So men have nipples because it is a human
trait (mammalian) and not a secondary sex difference like a hairy
chest.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M.
<qteacher@pacbell.net>,Oakland,
CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
From what I understand, and I have no medical background,
men have nipples because they are still a source of sexual stimulus.
I suppose as time goes on and less men are in touch with their
sensitivity in this area, nipples may eventually be selected out of
the general population. I know that my boyfriend has extremely
sensitive nipples and they are a source of pleasure for him.
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
20, female
<taraslo@aol.com>, Central
Coast, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First let me say that I am not a doctor and that this
answer will be vague, but with the hope that it may spark a
discussion on this topic, as I think it is an interesting one. I
believe that male nipples stem from the fact that we all start life
in the womb as hermaphrodites (both sex organs) and somewhere in our
development one set of organs recedes (a woman's clitoris is actually
the remnants of a penis), thus defining our gender. Why the nipples
do not recede (because they serve no apparent purpose on men) I do
not know. Why do we still have appendices? I think that eventually
evolution may do away with the male nipple in the same fashion that
it has shrunk our appendix. Again, this is supposition (based on some
fact). If I am off-base, I would love to know the facts from an
expert. Is there a doctor in the house?
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
D.S., male
<dash@netside.com>,
Columbia, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Men and women's bodies are something like 99+ percent the
same, so it's no surprise that they have nipples in common. However,
the exact reaons for this are complicated, and I'll leave it up to an
evolutionary human biologist to answer. Related thoughts to ponder,
however: Did you know that men also have a vestigial uterus? Also,
did you know that in the womb, all fetuses start out the same, formed
essentially as female, and that sex differentiation comes only after
a number of weeks?
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Wendy D., 23, white
<wiebke@juno.com>,
Atlanta, GA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE35: Director's paraphrase: DDD of Santa Cruz, Calif., feels
that adult men caught having sex with underage girls face more legal
problems than adult women caught having sex with underage boys. He'd
like to know why this is, and whether it constitutes
discrimination.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
ANSWER 1:
In a society where women generally prefer older men,
consent with a minor male is very rare compared to that of consent
with a minor female. Additionally, there are many more single males
desperate for mates than single women who are likewise.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Christopher D., 22
<alphacentuari@mindspring.com>,
Arlington, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
There may be a double-standard in this regard, but the
double-standard is there for a good reason: A woman cannot have
sexual intercourse with a boy unless he has an erection, and is
therefore (by definition) a willing participant. On the other hand,
an adult male can have intercourse with a young girl without her
consent. So, consent is a big part of the issue. For another thing,
an underage girl who becomes pregnant by an adult male may be forced
to drop out of school, and may be doomed to a life of welfare and
poverty. An adult woman impregnated by a teenage boy has a lesser
problem.
POSTED JUNE 19, 1998
Astorian
<Astorian@aol.com>,
Austin, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Astorian: Being erect may indicate sexual arousal, but
it does not indicate consent. When I was going through
puberty, I would become erect at the slightest thought or touch. It
did not matter where I was or who I was with. This caused me much
embarrassment, but it did not mean I wanted to have sex with whoever
happened to be around during that time. Sex requires informed
consent, and without consent it is rape. It does not matter that the
male is erect or that he ejaculates. If he does not consent, it is
rape. Just as if a women does not consent, it is rape.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
S.D., 23, black gay male, Oakland , CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To S.D.: It is literally (and legally) impossible for a
woman to rape a man. Rape is defined as the unconsensual penetration
of a female by a male. Thus a woman cannot rape a man. This is, for
the most part, because it is only very rare that a man would be
violently opposed to consenting to sex, emotionally frightened or
distraught, and still be able to maintain an erection. I agree with
Astorian.
POSTED SEPT. 22, 1998
Andrew, male, 18
<the13thtongue@yahoo.com>,
Wellington, New Zealand
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think it is definitely discrimination, and that it is
just as much a crime for an adult woman to have sex with a young boy
as it is for a man to have sex with a young girl. A 13- or
14-year-old boy is incapable of providing consent, or of really
understanding the possible consequences of his actions, erection or
not. It is also not right for these adult women to get pregnant by
these children, and then once they turn 18, sue the boys they raped
for child support.
NOV. 2, 1998
Lisa B., 24
<leesann@yahoo.com>,
Laredo, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE34: Why do some people (not just women) insist the toilet
seat be lowered? Doesn't it make more sense to leave it up? I can't
tell you how many times I've gone into restrooms without a urinal and
would not dare touch the toilet seat. It seems it would be more
sanitary to lower the seat, do your business and then raise it back
up, thereby eliminating the possibility of making a mess.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Jeff C., Raleigh, NC
ANSWER 1:
If the select few males who seem to be incapable of
urinating without going all over the seat didn't do that, this issue
would probably go away.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
A.E.
<ACEidson@email.msn.com>,
CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
If you have to sit down to use the toilet, you don't want
to sit down on the rim in the dark and start to fall in. A most
unpleasant experience at 2 a.m.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Jessica
<jessicalh@hotmail.com>,
Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think there are two reasons: First, three-fourths of the
time, the person using the toilet is sitting down. Men stand when
they urinate, but sit when they defecate. Women sit for both. So the
lid only needs to be up for a fourth of the "toilet activity." The
other reason may be that it is a real rude awakening when you stumble
into the bathroom at 3 a.m. sit down and fall in.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Allison, 33
<alnshawn@aol.com>,
Mission Viejo, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Jeff, there was a time that I totally agreed with you. But
you'd be wise to make it a habit, especially if you share a place. My
wife always nagged me about putting the seat down. It wasn't until I
needed to use the john in the middle of the night that I fell into
the toilet! I'd neglected to put the seat down prior to going to
bed.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Bill, 39, analyst
<billinvt@aol.com>,
Burlington, Vt
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To Jessica, Allison and Bill: I thought what Jeff said
made a lot of sense. After reading your answers, though, I have
changed my way of thinking. From now on, I will leave the seat up
and leave the light on.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Sithon, white male
<sithon@hotmail.com>,
Smalltown, MS
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To Jessica, Allison, and Bill: I have never gone to the
toilet in the middle of the night without turning on the lights (seat
up or seat down), and short of an electrical power failure can
foresee no circumstance where I would need to do my business in
complete darkness. I can guarantee you I will not be falling into the
toilet anytime soon. Is this just another cultural custom I am not
used to? Is this practice common? Doing anything in complete darkness
seems not to be the most intelligent thing, given an alternative.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Dave W., Sacramento, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Wait a minute. What about about equality? If the male must
be responsible for lifting the seat, the woman should be responsible
for making sure it's down. It should be a shared burden, not a
one-way deal.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Rick D., 39, white male, Denver, CO
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If more men had to clean up the toilet area, perhaps the
more obvious answer might become the routine practice: Put the seat
down and leave it down. Toilets are not wall urinals. A toilet is
meant to sit on - this includes men. If you have to pee, just sit
down and do it. The seat is always down, and everyone is happy.
Relax.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Rob, 45, Upstate, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, How oblivious do you have to
be to fall into a toilet? Do you walk through a door before making
sure it is open? Do you pick up a tennis ball, assume it is an apple
and start eating? In all my years, I have never been so tired,
careless or in such a hurry to sit down that I did not check to make
sure there was something to sit on. Also, why would you choose to do
this in the dark?
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Jeremy, 23, white
<jeremyjw@engin.umd.umich.edu>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
This should only be an issue in cases where the toilet has
a seat, but no lid. Everyone I know was taught to close the toilet
(seat and lid) when finished with it. If you always expect to lift
the lid, you are always sure whether the seat is up or down. As a
parent of a small child, I would never dream of leaving a toilet
open. This is an invitation for a toddler to drown. Many young
children die each year by drowning in toilets.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
G.B., RI
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I'm a male, and it bothers me when the women who visit me
leave the toilet seat up. I'm not talking about the lid that is sat
on to use the toilet, I'm talking about the cover. Why do I like both
toilet seats down? It helps to keep what I put my bare behind on free
of dust, keeps me from dropping toiletries (especially my toothbrush)
in the toilet, and keeps the bathroom free of that faint toilet water
smell. My female guests can't seem to get the idea that I like a
"closed" toilet when not in use. I'm sure I'm not the only male who
puts the first toilet seat down after use.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
A.N., male,
<Thohts@thevortex.com>,
Chicago, IL
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE33: Why do many men, when talking to either a male or
female, stretch the truth about what they are talking about to make
it sound more exciting, even if it already is?
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
K. Prickett, 41, female, Mistysnow2@aol.com, Vero Beach, FL
ANSWER 1:
My experience is that embellishments come from social
positioning, i.e. the need for security through power. If I have
juicy information you want or need, I have power over you. With
maturity comes security and less need to let my ego puff up my chest
and tell big stories or to gossip.
Todd H., 37, male
<thoida@cisco.com>,
Fountain Valley, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I'm certain that when a man stretches the truth in this
manner, it is indicative of low self-esteem. My husband tells
outrageous stories in an effort to impress others. I try to let it go
for the most part. Sometimes, it seems as though my intelligence is
being tested. If I were to pretend as though I believed a story I
knew was not true, it would make me feel like a sucker. Sometimes you
just have to tell people (and believe me I have): "Stop lying to me!
Do you think I'm some kind of idiot?" Be warned, though, if you do
this, the man will likely swear that the story is true and then
embellish it more in an effort to prove his point. It's almost
hopeless. On a lighter note, my husband did stop telling his crazy
stories to me - he just tells them to everyone else now!
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Married female, 24, Knoxville, TN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a relatively honest person (I think) but I always
catch myself exaggerrating when I tell a story to make it sound
better. Sometimes I lie before I've thought about it, just for the
sake of being funny or dramatic. I hate it, but I think many people
(male and female) have this problem.
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
S.R. white female, 20, San Antonio , TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE32: To men 25 to 35: How would you feel, after the initial
shock wore off, if you found out that the woman you were dating had
never slept with anyone? If you got along before you found out, would
you still want to date her?
POSTED MAY 25, 1998
Meg, 28, MI
ANSWER 1:
I believe most men would be thrilled that they are with
someone who has taken the unpopular road of waiting for the right
person. If you are asking this question because you have waited, then
good for you. You will be glad you did when you find that perfect
person, and you will.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Kevin, Livonia, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
I married a woman who had a similar background. I would be
curious to know a woman's reasons for not having sex, to determine
whether this reflected her values or a potentially significant
hang-up that might persist after the wedding. If it's the former,
more power to her. If the latter, perhaps some therapy would be in
order if I loved everything else about her.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Dan, 34
<dnh6n@virginia.edu>,
Charlottesville, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In my relationships with women, I have not met
one who was a virgin. Men usually feel intimidated about
this. Consider yourself lucky. I would have definitely preferred my
wife to be a virgin!
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Matt, 26, Polk, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Having years of experience in any field does not
automatically imply competence. We see this all the time in the
careers of our choice. The focus of my concern as a single male would
rather fall on the quality of the relationship and whether there was
genuine passion and commitment. Issues of sexuality, finances and
personal lifestyles are serious, but ones that can be worked through,
given the right partnership. I think you might reconsider the kind of
boyfriend you wish to find. If he wants nothing but a physical
relationship, it may be more rewarding for you to try to meet someone
more suited to your beliefs.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Gary K., 32, single male
<garykuo@earthlink.net>,
Van Nuys, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I would continue to be interested. I can't say that I
wouldn't be frustrated when I got aroused, but I would continue the
relationship. I never encountered this situation, but if it had
occurred and I was interested in the woman for more than a temporary
relationship (that would basically require sex) then I would endure
the frustration of not being able to fulfill my sexual desires.
POSTED JUNE 2, 1998
Eric K., 33, ericred@aol.com, Pensacola, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
How would I feel? I guess it would depend on her reasons.
I am of the opinion that being selective in your partner is a good
and safe thing, and if you haven't found the right person for that,
then you should be commended for living up to yourself. As to whether
it would affect how we got along: I don't see why it should make a
difference. Who you might or might not have slept with does not
necessarily make you who you are.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
David B., DHBrantner@worldnet.att.net, St. Petersburg, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I'm not officially not qualified to answer this question,
but what's in a year? I do not care if the woman I am dating has
never slept with a man before. If I like someone enough to date her,
I don't care about those things. There is more to life than sex.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
HEvaRe, 24, male, The Netherlands
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
There would be no initial shock. In fact, upon finding
out, there would be nothing but admiration that a woman in her
twenties, in this day and age, had the discipline to maintain her
virginity. I would not only continue to date her, I would probably
want to get more serious.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
J. Franklin, 27, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I would be pleased and relieved, as virginity is a
characteristic I look for in a potential relationship. I am not being
hypocritical here, as I happen to be a virgin myself and intend to
stay so until I marry.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Scott, 35, male, sjholder@earthlink.net, Midway City, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I would absolutely continue dating a woman if I found out
she had never slept with anyone. It's definitely safer if we were to
eventually end up having sex. Besides, if I were interested only in
the sex, I wouldn't have been around long enough to find out that you
never had had it.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Bryon K., Klangfarbo@aol.com, Reno, NV
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I find it odd you would think a man would stop dating a
woman because she was a virgin. I started dating my wife because I
enjoyed being with her. When I found out she was a virgin, it did not
shock me at all. We got married 1 1/2 years later. I think a person
might be a little intrigued finding a virgin, but knowing her, her
family and friends, I knew my wife was normal. I believe if a man
breaks up with a woman solely for that reason, he may be lacking in
character, or the relationship was not going well to begin with and
he needed a reason to let go.
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Robert S., 31, Modesto, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
If you think I'd be shocked, then I don't think you're
considering the multitude of people who are "saving themselves," or
who are just in solid control of their hormones. I would respect the
individual more, not for being a virgin, but generically for
upholding the values they believe in. My wife was not a virgin, but
"experience" was a non-issue. I married her for who she is.
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Mark S., 35, software@treo-relo.com, Irvine, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
That exact thing happened to me, and I loved it! I met her
when I was 24 and she was 23 and, after dating for a while, we both
"admitted" to being virgins.If anything, that made me desire her even
more! (We were both saving ourselves for marriage). It was wonderful!
I had almost given up on finding somebody else with my values. (We
were even able to wait another seven months until we got married.)
The best thing about it is that we don't have to worry about sexually
transmitted diseases, "complications" from other relationships or
comparing each other to somebody else. I wouldn't have it any other
way.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Steve W., 28, white, steve_warner@vantive.com, San Jose, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
1) I would not be shocked. I guess my social environment
leads me to consider that an unmarried woman may well be a virgin. 2)
I would consider it evidence for her strength of character. 3) I
would consider her more desirable considering the current disease
epidemics. 4) I would consider it something we have in common (if I
were virgin) or wonder if I had been wasting my life (if I were not a
virgin). In short, if a woman thinks that the men she meets would
consider her less worthy because of virginity, then she should find a
different social circle. Virginity, no matter what the reason, is not
a crime.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
C. Pepmiller, 40, married at 25, craig@more.net, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I can speak from experience since I married my wife at age
29 and she was still a virgin. I thought (and still think) that it is
great. It makes me feel special that she chose to wait for that
special person. At first, it was difficult because it was like
"teaching," but after I realized she was receptive to "instruction,"
things have been great. Hold out!
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Aaron, 32, Las Vegas, NV
FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I would be much more open to it at 36 than I was at 30.
I've learned more about sex and making love in my 30s than I did in
my teens and 20s. I would see some red flags, but the orgasm issue
could answer that, i.e. have you had an orgasm via masturbation or
oral sex. I travel quite a bit in my job and as a result it is
difficult to maintain a steady relationship, so I date many friends,
some I sleep with now or have in the past, but most are just friends.
I find that when I'm with one girl for an extended period, we
gravitate towards more passion, then heavy petting and making love.
It seems to be a natural course that two people who enjoy each other
take. If a woman had not found this, I would be suspect as to why. In
closing, sex/making love is something that gets better with
communication, experience and experimentation. At 28 you would need
someone more open to emotionally support you with this than someone
who is just looking to be the one to deflower you.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Danier B., danabal@earthlink.com, Corona, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I'd feel like I'd found a diamond in the rough. That girl
just got even more attractive to me. That's the kind of girl you want
to spend your life with.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Bob, 29, Little Rock, AR
FURTHER NOTICE 17:
I don't think shocked is the appropriate word. Intrigued
would be more appropriate. I definitely would ask why she has not had
sex. Specifically, about her father, religious background and/or
siblings. If the woman was defensive when asked why, I would be
extremely cautious about continuing the relationship. If we got along
well before knowing, I don't see a reason for not seeing her in the
future, unless something peculiar from the above questions arose.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
W.M., 27, davidg@allenmachinery.com, Vancouver, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 18:
I would feel I had been blessed to have found a virgin. I
would have to applaud her for her self-control. I don't think it
would do anything to discourage our relationship; as a matter of
fact, I think it would enhance it.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
J. Williams, 33, male, tbl5142@aol.com, Lakeland, FL
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
GE31: Director's Paraphrase: N.H., an administrative assistant
from Sterling Heights, Mich., would like to know why some employers
treat single mothers differently from single fathers (i.e.
reprimanding a single mother for taking time off, but not a single
father), and whether this is considered discrimination.
POSTED MAY 23, 1998
ANSWER 1:
Company policy and procedure should be enforced according
to Title VII of the Civil Rights Acts of 1964, which prohibits
discrimination in all terms and conditions of employment on the basis
of race, religion, ethnic group, sex or national origin. First, I
suggest if you feel discrimination has occurred, address it
(preferably in writing so that you have documentation) with your
supervisor and Human Resource Director, if your company has one. If
there is no improvement, you can contact the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission, which enforces Title VII. I suggest you
address the issue with your employer first because the EEOC will
advise you to do so if you haven't, and you might be able to remedy
the situation yourself. If you contact the EEOC, it will investigate
and determine if discrimination has occurred, and if so, will advise
you on the next step.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
Certified professional in Human Resources, Lakeland, FL
To respond
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