Gender Questions 41-50
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THE
QUESTION:
GE50: Why do women seem to react negatively when being
approached for sex? I am a bisexual male and there is a noticeable
difference between the genders. Almost all the men I have approached
for sex did not mind being propositioned, but women seem to be
offended or turned off. Are women just not as interested as men in
sex?
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
David T., Santa Cruz, CA
ANSWER 1:
I would react negatively when a total stranger (or even an
acquaintance, for that matter) approached me for sex. Maybe I can
control my urges more than other people, but casual sex is definitely
not my thing. I am not going to jump into bed with any Tom, Dick or
Harry who asks solely because "I feel like doing it tonight." There
is more to sex than urges - there should be love and commitment
before I have sex with someone. I am not an animal but a human being
who has feelings and intelligence. If someone wants my physical
being, he should want my emotional and intellectual being,
too.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C. 32, female, Manila, The Philippines
FURTHER NOTICE:
I need some sort of emotional involvement before engaging
in any sort of sexual activity, and many women probably feel the same
way. It stems from evolution - females are out to find the best
genetic match/father, so they need to get to know him first. Males
are out to "sow their oats." Many people of both genders would
probably be appalled at having sex with someone they don't know,
anyway.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Melinda M., Davison, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Most of us have been taught to elevate ourselves above
animals. Any animal can have sex and procreate; evolved humans have
formed intricate social systems to deal with the issue, since there
are often consequences to the coupling. We are taught to make a big
distinction between having sex and making love. One is a simple
physiological function, the other involves commitment and a sense of
responsibility for any consequences. Like most women, I feel making
love brings more satisfaction than simple sex could ever provide.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
43-year-old white female, Long Beach , CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Most women I know feel they are subject to more negative
consequences from sex than men. For example: The fear of an unwanted
pregnancy, the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally by an
experience that could turn ugly or violent, the fear of harm to their
health, and fear of being ostracized socially or ridiculed if they
are permissive. We also seem to be hard-wired by our biology into
looking at sex as the outgrowth of a relationship (even if we know
it's only a short-term casual one) as opposed to a pure recreational
activity. Women need to feel safe and that the man asking looks at
them as a person and not just as a convenient release. Some men
approach women for sex in a way that women consider rude and crude
(but many men don't) and it turns them off. If you are using a "line"
you think is original, I assure you she has heard it a million times
before and sees right through it - another turnoff.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Susan C., 45, female, Richmond, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
We have a uterus, and you don't. We get pregnant, and you
don't. Going around constantly "primed," i.e.on the pill or something
is not most women's cup of tea. Also, it breaks our hearts when men
make love to us and then leave.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C.
<eoder1@compulinx-net.net>,
Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think the differences in reaction have to do with
experience and mental conditioning. As a female, I have often had
experiences where a man offers/asks for sex, then is very offended
-even violent - when answered with a "no." On the other hand, male
friends who have told me about being offered sex do not usually
describe it as an offensive or frightening experience.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Paula, 32, female mainly Euro-American, Memphis, TN
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The old stereotypes have a lot of truth to them. Women are
turned on by love and men fall in love by getting turned on. Just
look at gay men and lesbians. Without having to compromise, men have
sex without love and women have love without sex. (I must give
Camille Paglia credit for that one.) There are obvious exceptions to
this, but the trends prove the point. In fact, I've had to warn
female friends that they can't just have sex. We fall in love
when we do that.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Woman who knows her limitations
<ThePowers@aol.com>,
Greensboro, NC
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE49: Why don't many women have motor skills? Most females
can't throw a ball correctly or swing a golf club. When they drive,
they hold the steering wheel in funny ways and are constantly trying
to correct the wheel. Looking for answers...
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Eric, white male
<boss_hogg@geocities.com>,
Iowa
ANSWER 1:
I think it's just the way women are made. Maybe a certain
part of our brain is more dominant than the other. That's why there
are women and there are men. It's like comparing an apple to an
orange - they are both fruits, but their tastes and colors are
different, and it's not fair to compare them because they are totally
different.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C., 32, female, Manila, The Philippines
FURTHER NOTICE:
I can't imagine what women you have been observing. I am
by no means an athletic person, but I can throw a ball (although not
as far as a man), I can swing a golf club (again, not as long of a
drive as my husband, but at least straight) and I'm a pretty good
driver. I hold the wheel as I was taught, at "ten o'clock" and "two
o'clock" or, when I get lazy, just hold it with one hand at the
bottom. The only answer I can think of to your question is that it is
not a gender issue (I know plenty of clumsy, uncoordinated men) but
that you have been watching some rather uncoordinated women, or
people who simply haven't practiced the activities you mentioned.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Michelle, 26, female
<wxjon@minor.stlnet.com>,
St. Louis, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't think men are naturally more inclined to have
better motor skills. In childhood, women are generally less
encouraged to develop physical prowess, and less challenged when they
show an inclination. Obviously, many manage to become great athletes
in spite of and even because of these obstacles.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I've never seen the steering wheel example you referred
to. However, your other two examples (throwing a ball and using a
golf club) are not biological, but learned behaviors. If you are
right-handed, try throwing a ball with your left hand. If you've
never done it before, you simply won't be able to throw a ball as
well with your non-dominant hand because you haven't learned and
mastered the necessary mechanical motions. Boys learn the necessary
mechanics of throwing from associating with other boys, watching them
throw and throwing things themselves. Unless a girl is in a similar
situation (e.g. several older brothers), she most likely won't learn
the mechanics of throwing on her own. But it can be learned. In
regard to your other example, there is a Women's PGA tour.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Bill L., San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Women do have motor skills. All humans have motor skills,
except those disabled in that area. Women may use their motor skills
in different ways. I, for one, play a very good game of softball and
can swing a golf club in the proper manner.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Kat, Topeka, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Many girls and women throw baseballs and swing golf clubs
beautifully. I am not one of them, but that's because I don't care
for those sports. That's not because I'm a woman - I cycle, and I and
dance extremely well, which both require strong coordination. I know
no one, male or female, who holds a steering wheel "in a funny way,"
and I hope that everyone is adjusting the wheel as he or she drives,
since I'd think that's part of how one steers. Finally, how are you
defining "motor skills"? Can you, for example, do fine needlework,
swiftly julienne vegetables or build and wire a lamp? I can do two of
these three things - which I believe require fine motor ability -
better than most people I know, and if I were a betting woman, I'd
put down $5 that when you first posted your question, you wouldn't
guess which two correctly.
POSTED JULY 29, 1998
D.S., 32, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
It's a matter of anatomical structure. As for throwing,
the angular relationships of the bones making up the shoulder joint
differ. This would, in general, apply to manipulating anything with
the upper extremeties. The female anatomy is basically structured to
facilitate reproduction, not such motor skills as those mentioned.
Some, and the range of variance is huge, do have the anatomical
structure and do have fine motor skills. It's all a matter of
individuality within the general range of the divergences between
male and female bodies.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
J.R., Ph.D
<jreviere@flash.net>,
Albuquerque, NM
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Clearly the answer is training in youth. Male or female,
if you develop your motor skills through sports at a young age, you
will be more competent throughout your life. Case in point: My father
desperately wanted boys, but he got only girls after three attempts.
So he put us in tiny football uniforms and would run plays with us
across the front yard (the photos are awfully cute). Result? We
aren't exceptional atheletes, but we can all throw a perfect spiral,
we play in various adult sports leagues, we can catch falling jars in
midflight, we drive alertly and well, and we shake our heads
regretfully at women who never learned coordination (except for my
one sister who became a womens' and girls' sports coach).
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Katrina G., 28, Sunnyvale, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Girls and women are often told to "keep your elbows to
yourself," "keep your legs together" and "take small delicate steps."
The apparent lack of motor skills is lack of training and gender
expectations. Little boys can practice their "moves" without
criticism. Girls with good training can excel in sports and have good
endurance as well.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Adele M., academic women's studies
<mccollum@saturn.montclair.edu>,
Upper Montclair, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Girls are not really encouraged to participate in sports,
so some women may appear to have poor motor skills because we don't
know any better. I was never taught how to play baseball or golf.
When I was growing up, I was encouraged to do "feminine" things:
Dance, cheerleading, etc., and when I started to show an interest in
"boy's things" (toys aimed at males, for example), I was quickly
discouraged by the phrase: "Young ladies don't do/play with/use those
things."
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Michelle V., 23, female
<webkitty@yahoo.com>,
Honolulu, HI
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Many women you have observed lack motor skills because
they were not brought up in an environment that encouraged their use,
or they simply aren't interested in developing them. One example you
gave was throwing a ball. Women who have not played baseball or
softball do not throw well, but neither do men who don't play. On the
other hand, women who have played ball for years can throw as well as
men. It's all a matter of practice. Women in the past have generally
not been encouraged to play sports, which explains why more women
than men find throwing a ball or swinging a golf club difficult. This
is changing as we realize the many advantages that participation in
sports offers, and my guess is that you will see more and more women
who can throw, or swing a club, or whatever, as time goes on.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Woman, 36, Yorktown , VA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
For the same reason men, in general, don't have social
skills. From a young age women are tought a very rigid definition of
what it means to be "femenine," and it doesn't include throwing a
ball or swinging a club. Men are given a similarly narrow definition
of "masculinity," and it doesn't usually include the ability to
listen, have (and show) compassion, etc. There is no innate lack of
motor skills in women (as there is no innate lack of social skills in
men); there is just a societal pressure to conform that keeps many
people from developing a more "whole" personality.
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
Gordon, 31, male, Sunnyvale, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I think it comes from social tendencies. Boys are expected
to play "rough," getting involved in all sorts of sports, etc. Girls
are expected to sit at home and play with dolls. This gives birth to
labels like "tomboy" for girls who prefer sports or other
stereotypically "boy" activities. On the other hand, I know a large
number of women who love dancing of all sorts, and a large number of
men who have no "grace" or "rhythm." Is that not a motor skill as
well? Also, motor skills will deteriorate when women are around men
and get performance anxiety. For instance, my mother can't drive with
my father in the car. She always thinks he's criticizing her.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Kathy, 23, female, Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
Girls are taught to always get males' approval, not show
up the boys, and to act helpless. That's why you hear a lot of
giggling in young women, especially when boys are around. Women are
taught to be the weaker sex. I remember when I was in high school, a
male teacher and two boys were carrying portable stairs (the ones you
see used on a stage). I thought I'd help, so I went to the side that
was being carried by one of the boys. Well, his fragile male ego
couldn't handle that and he said, "Are you trying to show me up?" and
left. That made him look even worse, because now the were two males
on one side and a "weak, fragile female" on the other. I have always
been stronger than the average woman and have always been of the
feminist mindset in that why shouldn't I be allowed to do something
just because I have a uterus? If you think women can't throw a
baseball, you need to find a lesbian softball game and watch them.
When we accept our lesbianism, we realize that seeking male approval
is just a load of horse apples, and we do what we damn well want to.
Also, as someone pointed out, watch the LPGA. Which brings up a
question, why do our games have to be branded "Ladies" basketball,
golf, etc.? It makes it sound like there's the real game, and
then there's the Ladies. Another question: Why is the male ego so
fragile?
POSTED FEB. 25, 1999
No need of male approval here, lesbian, Fort Worth, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE48: I have been married six months. My wife was a virgin
when we met, which was fine, but we still have not had sexual
relations. I'm losing patience. What should I make of this
situation?
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
B.P., Honolulu, HI
ANSWER 1:
What do I make of it? That you are the most patient
individual on the face of the planet. Have you talked about this with
her? Is it that she just can't bring herself to do it? If the answers
to these questions are "yes," I would say she has had some bad
experiences or unhealthy training in her past that makes her fear or
despise sex. If I were you, I would seek out a marriage counselor or
a psychotherapist immediately. If she would not go, I would seriously
consider ending the marriage. A life of celibacy is not what you
accepted when you married her.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Mike
<thewests@ctsi.net>,
Richmond VA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Try to explain to her that having sex is a major part of
intimacy. Has she had a bad experience with sex? Does her family have
very strict values regarding sex? Tell her that husbands and wives
are supposed to have sex. It is another way to express love.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Beth B., 23
<CoCGrad@aol.com>,
Charleston, SC
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE47: I am a man who loves horses. Yet it seems that more than
80 percent of the people involved in horsemanship are women (mainly
teenage girls), while men are indifferent for the most part. Anyone
have a theory about why this is?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Robert W., 34, urban male, Birmingham, AL
ANSWER 1:
It's possible that your encounter with male indifference
to horses is related to where you're located. Both my parents, from
Tennessee, love horses. This is true also of much of our extended
family from the mountains of Tennessee, including the men. And I know
Tennessee is not the sole location of horse-loving men.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Jacqui, 21
<jmclaug@eos.ncsu.edu>,
Blacksburg, VA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I have known several female horseback riders who say there
are psychosexual connections related to this phenomenon. Some have
even told me they had their hymen ruptured and/or experienced their
first orgasm on the back of a horse. Maybe there's just something
about having something so large and muscular between your legs that
we mortal men could never match (sigh).
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Mike, Richmond, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I leased a horse one summer, and I came up with a theory
about why women and girls like them so much. I call it "the big doll"
theory: Before you go riding, you have to groom the horse and clean
his hooves, etc. Then you dress him all up in his saddle and blanket
and bridle and all. It's like playing Barbies on a very large scale.
Then you ride off and get away from everyone. It's great.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
P.J., CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I loved horses as a teenage girl and still do. Horses are
alive, not mechanical, and they are beautiful. Women seldom get the
experience of moving fast and having 1,000 pounds of steel shod
muscle under the command of their slightest shift in weight. It makes
us feel free and graceful. You thought it was going to be some kind
of kinky sex thing, didn't you?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C.<
eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Not completely sure why; maybe it's a macho thing, sort of
like, "Why don't (most) men like cats?" There are probably more men
really interested in horses than you think. Don't most of those girls
have parents who are involved? I'll bet they are just as involved as
the kids. Besides, if you are a single man, this could be a good way
to meet single women! My wife and I have llamas, and it is a similar
situation, but there are a number of entire families and childless
couples involved. I'm sure it is the same with horses. Get involved
with your horse associations and the shows and you may be pleasantly
surprised.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Bill, 42, white male
<safreeb@nationwide.com>,
Lancaster , OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a teenage girl who rides, and I cannot speak for
everyone, but I get no enjoyment out of grooming,and I've never
decorated my mount's mane. I've also never gotten pleasure from the
movement between my legs. The only possible explanation I can think
of is that many books, dolls and toys for preteen girls feature
horses (e.g. The Saddle Club book series, Breyer models) much more
than boys' toys do. I find this a little odd, since many "macho"
heroes like cowboys and knights have everything to do with
riding.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Emily, 14, white female
<Darrow25@aol.com>,
Memphis, TN
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE46: Why do women still often expect men to wear condoms, now
that most drug stores sell female condoms?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
J.L.C., single white male
<colburnj@sprynet.com>,
Laguna Beach, CA
ANSWER 1:
Female condoms cost considerably more than male condoms,
and you get fewer per package. I haven't tried them for this reason,
but I've also heard they provide even less sensation for both
partners than the male condom, and are messier and more complicated
to use. If your concern is with having to purchase condoms on your
own, find a woman willing to share the cost.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
C.E., 32, single white female, Knoxville, TN
FURTHER NOTICE:
There was a free trial sample of them when they first came
out. My boyfriend and I tried them, and they're awful! They are
difficult to use, take a lot more time and dexterity than male
condoms, and frankly, are quite noisy.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Julie D., 31, middle-class professional, San Diego , CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Women have to wear diaphragms, take birth control pills,
get IUDs and find foams and sponges just so that our partner doesn't
have to wear that thin layer of latex. Now they've come up with
female comdoms so that we can further carry the contraceptive burden
and men can relax and enjoy the ride. I think I'll be willing to wear
the female condom when they come up with a man who is willing to take
a pill everyday, have a shot once a month or get some little piece of
copper implanted in their testicles.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Tara, 20, female
<TaraSLO@aol.com>, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE45: When I look at the situation I am in with my husband, I
wonder why I was ever attracted to him. We are total opposites. What
are people's thoughts on whether it is true that opposites really
attract?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Pam, 25, FL
ANSWER 1:
I've read that while some people may choose a mate that is
opposite, it is not the opposite of themselves. That is, I would say
I married a woman who is the complete opposite of her mother, though
my wife married a man exactly like her father. Both of us had
terrible relationships with these parent. We are opposites, married
15 years.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Bob, 46, white male, Chicago, IL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Opposites successfully attract when they find they can
fill a void or lack in their own personalities with the opposite
person's attributes. My late wife and I were opposites in the social
scene. I was the non-verbal, introspective type and was drawn out
lovingly by my outgoing, extroverted wife. She allowed me to escape
that shell, and I in turn was the anchor that kept her grounded in
practicality. We had a wonderful marriage for 20 years before she
passed on. The key is recognizing, celebrating and applauding that
difference in one another.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Pete K., 59, white male
<petenoel@aol.com>, Vero
Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
According to the Human Sexuality course I took in college,
usually similars attract. Most often, people of the same
attractiveness, class, race and personality are more attracted to one
another. I can't really say if that is accurate, but I will say my
husband and I are almost exactly alike - and happily married,
too!
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Donna, 28
<DruBdoo3@aol.com>,
Fernley, NV
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This may be one of the downsides to an open and free
society. It is really a modern practice to pick a mate based on
emotions. In many cultures, including ours until recently, a mate was
chosen for the value he or she could bring to the family and the
potential mate, such as their ability to produce offspring, feed the
family, care for the parents as they aged, etc. More freedom means
freedom to make bad choices. Take a look at the divorce rate.
Emotions are fleeting; there has to be something there to renew
appreciation for your mate each moment.
POSTED AUG. 17, 1998
Dave, 41
<GILSTRAP@MS13.HINET.NET>,
Easley, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
My wife and I are quite opposite. On personality profiles
we both rank on the extreme and opposite end of the scales. We also
have several things in common. We are matched well in intelligence
and social background. I have heard, and agree, that the best matches
have a common social background but tend to be opposite otherwise. I
think there will be problems if mates do not share the same worldview
and morals. Given that common basis (and a huge dose of commitment),
mates can make good use of opposition. Opposition results in
completeness. Someone who is afraid of the dark would be better with
someone who is not. A good talker completes a good listener. A shy
person will benefit from an outgoing spouse. When the glue is
commitment and love, opposites work well.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Craig, 40, male MO
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I know many "opposite" couples work out wonderfully, but
my experience has been less rosey. When I have been attracted to
people opposite of me, it has often stemmed from insecurity - there's
a quality that I want myself but don't have. Instead of developing
that quality myself, I find someone else who has it and try to get
that person. (For example: If I can't be, let's say, successful
myself, find someone who is successful, get them to want/accept me,
and I will be successful by default). Only it never works, not for
me, anyway. Thus the theory: Don't go looking for someone with all
the qualities you want, go out and get those qualities in yourself,
i.e. "Be the man you want to marry."
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica, female, 26
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE44: When is a woman considered a woman, and why? Is it after
she is married? After she gives birth? If so, would a 15-year-old be
considered a woman?
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Kristy, white, Corona, CA
ANSWER 1:
I regard any female 18 or older as a woman, regardless of
marital or parental status (which in my opinion should have nothing
to do with whether one is considered a "woman" or "girl," or a "man"
vs. a "boy"). After all, my dictionary defines "woman" as "an adult
female person." I will say, though, that I frequently use "young
woman" (or "young man") instead of "girl" (or "boy") in reference to
teens younger than 18. Perhaps it's because I'm not that far removed
from teenhood myself, and because I know (and have known since my
teen years) so many mature teenagers.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Laura, 25
<laura@solace.res.cmu.edu>,
Niles, OH
FURTHER NOTICE:
Physically the onset of menstration is the time a girl
becomes a woman. Emotionally and mentally a female will need to reach
some awareness(es) before she is a woman. Thinking for yourself,
accepting responsibilities and genuine concern for other people are a
few of the traits that signal maturity and thus "being a woman." My
definition of maturity? "Maturity is the ability to accept
responsibilities, to stick with a job until it's finished, to do a
job without being supervised, to carry money without spending it, and
to bear an injustice without wanting to get even." That's a quote,
but I don't know from whom.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Kathy, 43
<mcslo1@juno.com>,
Lancaster, Ohio
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I do not remember when I consciously decided to consider
myself a woman and felt natural doing so. I do know that I continue
to categorize those around me as either girls/boys or women/men
depending not on their age but on their maturity. Being a man or a
woman involves a certain amount of self-confidence, a sense of
responsibility and a deep and uncompromising sense of self. Also
important is an ability to recognize and respect the effects that
your actions will have on others. Don't worry, Kristy. You'll
know.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Alison C., 23
<mbapchest@qtm.net>,
South Bend, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
A pretty sexist man asked me that once. I said, "When she
starts calling herself one."
Jessica, 26, female
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
NY, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I have often wondered myself what it truly means to be a
woman. When I was 20 I had to hav my ovaries removed, and I had to
take hormone replacement therapy. I went through a stage where I
thought I wouldn't be a "woman" if I didn't take the pills. I though
that my "womanhood" was now in a translucent brown bottle. Now I just
think that being a woman is a personal identification that really
shouldn't be defined by society. We can have guidelines, but each
woman is left to define what that means to her.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Kathy C., 26, Newport News, Va
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I don't think age determines anything. To me, a girl
becomes a woman when she figures out not only that she can take care
of and be responsible for herself, but how to do so. There are plenty
of girls with kids who still think they are nothing without a man (or
woman) to take care of them, who don't realize that the point of
having someone in your life is to have a partner to share your life
with, and that always looking to someone else for validation is
self-defeating. I'm still working on this myself, but hope to get it
nailed down one day soon.
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
Nikki, 29, white female, Chicago, IL
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
GE43: Why is it that many overweight and very thin women wear
leggings? To me, there would be plenty of outfits that would be far
more flattering and draw less negative attention to them.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Carrie <ercw@ipns.com>,
Portland, OR
ANSWER 1:
Because they are comfortable and stretchy. The reason to
wear a large loose top over them is to hide spare tires, bulges or
pot bellies. Comfort is the name of the game, and they are tight and
make you feel slim, even if you are fat. We all want to be
comfortable and sexy and casual. Stretch pants do that for a woman,
regardless of size.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Kathy, 40
<mcslo1@juno.com>,
Lancaster, Ohio
FURTHER NOTICE:
Underweight and overweight women probably wear leggings
for the same reason I do (my height and weight are proportionate):
They're inexpensive, very comfortable and washable.
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
C. Gortowski, 43, urban female
<CGortowski@aol.com>,
Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
GE42: Why does society continue to have sympathy for women who
are abused by their husbands but keep coming back?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Joe, Riverside, CA
ANSWER 1:
The reason they go back is they are afraid they will be
killed if they don't, or they think they can't do any better and
cannot support themselves, so they make the best of it. That would
make me sympathetic with anyone.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C. <
eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH
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THE QUESTION:
GE41: Why do women spend so much time, energy and money on
their appearances, but then become upset when a man stares at them?
And do women really become upset at this, or are they just
pretending?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
John, 27, Riverside, CA
ANSWER 1:
I like to dress up and look nice because it makes me feel
good. I'm not dressing up for men, I'm dressing up for myself. I'm
not asking to be stared at. Besides, staring is just plain rude.
There are more discreet ways of appreciating someone's beauty.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1999
T.H., 23, female, East Lansing, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Staring is OK if it is brief and is stopped when I see
someone staring. It is an ego-booster but not if in excess. Women
dress nice and wear makeup to be noticed, and a whistle or stare is
ego-boosting. I just smile back to say thank you for noticing me, I
tried to look nice and you noticed me!
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Kathy, 40
<mcslo1@juno.com>,
Lancaster, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There is a difference between an appreciative look given
to note your attractiveness and rude staring. I don't mind it one bit
when I get a second look when I am dressed up, but I do not
appreciate men who stare until I am uncomfortable. Often they
continue to stare, even after they note my discomfort. I also do not
appreciate comments that have been made to me and about me while
walking down a street. I do not dress provocatively in any way, but I
still receive undesirable attention for simply looking beautiful.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
M.F., 21, female, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is a time and a place for everything. I like for a
friend or co-worker to notice (and comment) if I look nice, but when
a stranger stares at my legs in a short skirt? Some guy I've never
met isn't looking at my legs because I'm a beautiful person; he
doesn't even know me! He's looking at some part of my body that has
nothing to do with who I am, and that means that he's just seeing me
as an object, and that is never flattering. And truthfully, when a
man I don't know stares at me, I just get scared. I have been in
situations where I was threatened, where I was in real physical
danger, and the thing you have to remember is that most women have.
Maybe you are some nice, harmless guy, but guys look positively
carnivorous when they're "admiring" your legs, and a wolf whistle at
the wrong time or place can sound just like a death threat.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
Jennifer S., 21, Chicago, IL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I believe everyone tries to look their best, but the media
and society place more pressure on women to look good. I think women
become upset if the guys checking them out seem threatening in some
way. Like "Why is this guy staring at me? Is he a psycho?" Also, some
men like to throw out comments ("Hey beautiful!" is OK, whereas "Nice
tits!" is not.) I think women would appreciate it if guys would just
bite the bullet and say "Hi" if they think a girl is cute. If she
responds, strike up a conversation, and then you won't seem like some
random stalker. P.S. Girls can be pretty blatant when checking out
guys, too!
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Michelle, 27, white female, New York, NY
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