Gender Questions 81-90
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THE
QUESTION:
GE90: A female told me she just wanted to be friends, but one
day when our school took a field trip, she thought I was supposed to
spend the whole day with her. Why did she assume I would spend the
day with her?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Matthew L., 25, Asian
<mlee@curry.edu>, Quincy,
MA
ANSWER 1:
Are people only supposed to spend significant amounts of
time with romantic interests? Friends like each others' company, too.
Period. End of story.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Joshua, male, 20, Pittsburgh, PA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE89: To women: When you ask a man out on a date, shouldn't
you pay for it? Please respond only if you have asked a man out.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
B.A.W., 28, black male, Atlanta, GA
ANSWER 1:
I think if a woman asks a man out, she should be
responsible for the planning and financing of the date. When I ask
someone out, I see it as an opportunity to do something nice for both
of us. When a man asks me out, I often offer to pay for my part of
the meal, tickets, etc. If he wants to pay for everything, I will
allow him to do so, because he deserves the same nice feeling I get
when I'm the one "footing the bill." What I'm wondering is, how did
the woman (women) ask you out? Was she straightforward, or was she
manipulating you because she wanted you to give her a good time? If
she was trying to manipulate you, then I think you have a deeper
question to answer than who pays for what. If you want to continue
relationships with women who ask, then don't pay, perhaps you could
let them know what you expect before you accept another date with
them.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
S.C., Southern woman who has asked men out, Rock Hill, SC
FURTHER NOTICE:
The common practice here in the Bay Area is that whoever
does the asking pays for the first date. After that, different
arrangements can be made based on various factors such as whether one
person makes a lot more money than the other, how expensive the date
is, etc. Basically, it's a topic that needs to be discussed between
the two people since the old traditions no longer apply.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Sara, Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
When I extend an invitation to a man, I pay, just as I
expect him to when he asks me out. If there is any doubt, ask her
particularly if it's the first time. Certainly, you have enough tact
and communication skills to make this a simple inquiry. For me, if we
have gone out several times, and I can't pay but want to see him, I
ask if we can go Dutch. But, I never ask a first date to take me out
and pay for it. Instead, if I want him to pay, I wait for him to make
the offer. I also buy flowers for a guy and cook him dinners (and
serve it to him), so maybe I'm not the norm.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE88: Why do most women find male exhibition disgusting, if
not criminal, while most men find women showing off their bodies to
be very intriguing? Men seem to welcome a woman's public display of
skin, but women view a man as perverted if he displays any "private"
area of his body in public.
POSTED OCT. 29, 1998
R.J., Cincinnati, OH
ANSWER 1:
I think it depends on the context of the display. If it
controlled by the woman (e.g. Chippendale's-type clubs), I don't
believe that all (or even most) women are bothered. There are
probably some women who have been socialized to feel this public
display is disgusting, but they'd probably feel that way about a
woman's public display, too. However, if the display is controlled by
the man (e.g., a flasher), in my opinion, there is an element of
intimidation involved. I don't believe the flasher is saying "look
how sexy I am," but rather "I can do this to you and you can't do
anything about it." I don't think most women are offended by the
display so much as threatened by it. I have had this discussion with
my husband, when some friends of ours were flashed while out walking
in the park. He couldn't understand why they were so upset about "a
prank." I could (and can) only explain that it doesn't "feel" like a
prank, it "feels" like a threat! In a diversity class I attended, the
women listed things the didn't like about being a woman (and the men
did the same about being men). One of the things was "being prey." A
lot of the men laughed when this was read in the class - not
viciously, but because they didn't realize the depth of feeling
involved.
POSTED NOV. 17, 1998
Janon, 38, female
<janon_rogers@hp.com>,
Lebanon, OR
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE87: Why aren't men more emotional, and why don't they let
their hearts rule their minds?
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
Kavita, female
<snowyt@hotmail.com>,
Delhi, India
ANSWER 1:
Since I was a little boy, I was told to buck-up, not cry,
etc. Emotions were for girls. Boys were to remain calm and strong.
And not to put too fine a point on it, but "only weak men (read gay)
have emotional responses." It has to do with this "machismo" crap. I
find it funny that women complain that they make only 60 to 70 cents
to a man's $1 for wages, yet men don't complain that they are denied
something much more basic than money in this lifetime: Their
emotions. So to set the record straight, woman are not the only
people who have a burden against them from birth. For too long, men
have been shaped into something far less than their potential.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Matthew, white, 40ish, New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
The question could easily be reworded (from a male
standpoint) to "Why aren't women more practical, and why do they let
their emotions get the best of their minds?" It has been
scientifically proven (although I can't quote you the study off the
top of my head) that the brains of men and women operate differently.
The synapses of a man's brain tend to fire within hemispheres,
while the synapses of a woman's brain are more prone to fire
across hemispheres. On a physiological level, men and women
actually do think differently. I do not pretend to understand
completely the way the female mind works, and the evidence that our
brains really are different lets me know I'm not crazy in not
understanding everything my wife does. But I accept that fact, and I
appreciate my wife's point of view on things.
POSTED OCT. 29, 1998
Stephen S., 31, male, San Antonio, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Men and women are different physically (obviously) and
physiologically, consequently emotionally. Hormones in the brain
differ from male to female. Consider that women are more intuitive
because their left and right hemispheres of their brain are better
connected, allowing the analytical side to work with the creative
side. Men tend to be more analytical because they use their left
brain more than their right brain, much like people are left- or
right-handed. This is all from a neat book called The Differences
Between Men and Women.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Ronald V., 45, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE86: Why are 95 percent of men more attracted to other women
when they already have beautiful wives and are in love with them? Why
is this not (always) the case with women?
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Kavita, Indian
<snowyt@hotmail.com>,
Delhi, India
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE85: How do women feel when they see men wearing high-cut,
sexy bikini swimsuits on the beach? Do you find them attractive or
otherwise?
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Michael, straight male, 30
<michaelfresch@hotmail.com>,
Round Rock, TX
ANSWER 1:
I find them really unattractive, but you should wear
whatever you like. I do.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
S.R., 20, white female, Austin , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
I love legs. I think most heterosexual women I know like
men's bodies. Women can be visually oriented a bit, too.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A., 21, whi/hisp female
<Arissssss@aol.com>,
Alameda, Bay Area, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE84: Is it true that some men do not find pornography
appealing because they may feel it dehumanizes or demeans the women
(or men) depicted in it?
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Keila, 23, female, San Jose, CA
ANSWER 1:
Er - yes and no. I do believe that it can harm both the
people in it (exploitation/demeaning/trapped) and the people who use
it (tend to objectivize/idealize images; not relate to real people;
not see subjects as real people). However, I use pornography, so I am
not able to say I don't find it appealing. I am able to shut out my
objections to achieve gratification. I find it hard to make real
"grown-up," intimate relationships because of low self-esteem and
-image, and am in therapy working on feeling better about being me
and accepting that I am likable to and genuinely liked by others.
Using porn is more of a symptom and (as an ex-smoker of 40 a day)
like an addiction: You know it's not good for you, but it's a
"safe"/familiar action with a predictable outcome. I would be
surprised if there were men who didn't use it for the above reasons,
but I do know men who just don't need/use it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Steve H., 53, white, divorced
<steve.hill@stevehil.globalnet.co.uk>,
Leeds, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Like most men (including the ones who won't admit it), I
enjoy pornography. I regret that some women feel it is degrading to
women. I don't think it demeans women at all. I believe it celebrates
their attractiveness. (On rare occasions, I hear women complain about
being treated as "sex objects," but I've never heard their feelings
about treating men as "money objects.") What I find demeaning are the
commercials on TV that portray either men or women as complete
idiots.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Lazarus, 45, white male
<lazarus99@usa.net>,
Lawrenceville, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I also use porn. On a regular basis. Not because of any
lack of sexual activity, but as an enhancement to sex. Whether I'm
alone or with a woman, porn makes a terrific visual stimulant. And
why would someone think that porn is degrading to women? There are
black people in pornography, and yet porn isn't considered degrading
to colored folks, is it? Porn is educational, stimulating and just
downright good healthy family entertainment. Don't just take my word
for it, according to "Pop Up Video" on VH1, Americans spent more
money last year on porn than they did on rock 'n' roll and country
music combined!
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Dr. Coldfinger
<metal_head_69@hotmail.com>,
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It is totally true. My boyfriend thinks porn is wrong. He
feels that it can only serve to "lower" the performer. Personally, I
feel that if the actor is doing it of his/her own will and being
compensated fairly, there isn't anything wrong with it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Jon, 22, white gay male
<ruffles74@hotmail.com>,
Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Yes, but I don't think "appealing" is the right word. I
have been taught all my life that since I am a man, I must be
compulsively interested in anything related to sex at all times. Even
what I find "sexy" and what I don't has been beaten into me, often
through humilitation and such. It makes it hard to learn for myself
what actually turns me on and how to think well about it, and
actually be able to tell I am in control over my response to things
sexual. Pornography that is offensive is of course just that, but as
long as this sexual compulsion is there, it tells me, "Ignore the way
you are offended and just pay attention to this feeling you are
getting from it." When that happens, it makes me feel isolated from
other people and from my own emotions, in the same way someone taking
drugs or zoning out to TV might. For those reasons, I try to always
avoid pornography.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Barry, 29, straight male
<bjoseph@radicalmedia.com>,
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Yes, it is true.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25
<the-macs@geocities.com>,
Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I find straight porn offensive because it is poorly done
and the women do not seem to be enjoying themselves, nor do the men,
really. Gay porn is different. The issues of sexism do not apply and
I don't find myself feeling sorry for those involved. Something about
straight porn disgusts me and leaves me feeling degraded. Porn is a
good tool for learning new things and taking pleasure in the
experiences of others. However, it must be done well, and those
involved must be happy with what they are doing.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
Ryan H., 23, gay male
<ryanhy@tbaytel.net>,
Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE83: Why is it that women universally want their husbands to
be faithful? Isn't lifetime monogamy too heavy a burden on anyone,
including women.? What's wrong with a little fooling around as long
as the other person doesn't know, and everyone takes care of their
responsibilities?
POSTED OCT. 10, 1998
V.V., 40, female
<VIJAY@DAUPHINE.FR>,
Paris, France
ANSWER 1:
Your assertion that all women want their husbands to be
faithful is a fairly accurate generality, but not a universal truth.
A lot depends on a person's views about marriage, love, honesty and
sex. For people who view marriage as basically a political alliance
or an economic living relationship and sex as separate from love,
lifelong monogamy may not be a marital expectation for either party,
particularly with arranged marriages. However, "as long as the other
person doesn't know" implies concealment of extramarital sexual
liasons from a partner who expects faithfulness, something I would
consider dishonest and probably detrimental to a relationship.
For most women like myself, however, sexual intimacy is used to
express our love for our partner. Within a marriage or committed
relationship, sex is a sacred sharing of our innermost being with our
chosen lifemate. Although at times playful and lighthearted, sex is
not viewed as "just fooling around" or something fun to do if you're
bored. Making love does exactly that - it creates bonds of love and
intimacy. An extramarital affair is a betrayal of trust that may
never be regained. It indicates lack of respect for my feelings and
lack of committment to the relationship. While I respect the right of
each couple to mutually decide for themselves whether or not to be
monogamous, this should definitely be a joint decision before
marriage or making a committment. I for one would never agree to an
"open" marriage and would have difficulty considering such an
arrangement much of a relationship.
POSTED OCT. 12, 1998
DykeOnByke, formerly married lesbian
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
A faithful relationship has one primary factor: Trust. It
is the one facet that allows two people to completely be themselves
around their partner. Fooling around, whether the partner knows about
it or not, makes the trust a non-factor and changes the relationship.
My wife of 16 years trusts me not to wander. Her trust in me is a
huge boost to my self-esteem and makes me a better woman and human
being. Thats' not to say I am not tempted; it does mean I choose not
to engage in that behavior. And yes, there have been times when it
has been difficult not to. But it would break her heart and mine if I
did so, and that is a side-effect I could not endure. For those who
have an "open relationship": To each their own. However, if there is
not a pre-agreed arrangement and one does wander, you have altered
the base your relationship rests on.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Alma, 45, old-fashioned lesbian
<pridewks@centraltx.net>,
Kempner, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Doing anything (with the exception of surprise parties and
gifts) behind someone's back shows you have something to hide and
implies a lack of respect for that person, whether it be a spouse,
relative or friend. This is especially true if you take great pains
to ensure they do not know of your actions. This implies you know
that person would be hurt or offended if they found out, and why
would you consciously do something you know would hurt those close to
you? I respect my friends and family, and I respect my wife even
more. I would not do anything I thought might hurt her or humiliate
her. That's what is wrong with fooling around. As for a lifetime of
monogamy - with my wife, I consider it an honor.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Stephen S., 31, happily married
<SAScheidt@aol.com>, San
Antonio, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don't think it's only women who desire lifetime
monogamy. Most men have a difficult time imagining the person they
love with another man. While lifetime monogamy can be trying at
times, it also has some practical benefits. You mentioned each person
taking care of their responsibilities, and that's important. But
there's always the chance of pregnancy in sexual relationships, and
things can get kind of complicated when one partner or the other has
children with other people. In addition, it does require a certain
degree of time and energy to maintain an extramarital relationship,
mistresses and spouses grow jealous of one another, and each feels
deprived of important time, or worse. It's just simpler to stay with
one person.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
D.M.M., white single female
<millerdo@cofc.edu>,
SC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I'm a currently married woman who does not ask my husband
to be monogamous (indeed, we both have other lovers). I do, however,
ask him to be honest, and faithful to those agreements that we have
made. Having sex with another woman is fine; not discussing it with
me (among other things) is not. When friends explain to me why
monogamy is so important to them, it seems that it often comes down
to cultural definitions of love and marriage. A spouse who cheats
does not by these definitions love you - at least, I guess, not
enough. A marriage that includes adultery is not a good, stable or
trustworthy marriage. Non-monogamy cuts too deeply into their
definitions of security to be considered.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Catherine, 25, bisexual female
<tylik@eskimo.com>,
Woodinville, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I stick to my position after having heard all these
answers, and despite of (or because of) the troubles of Bill Clinton.
People seem to mention simplicity, practicality, etc., and I also
notice a preponderence of answers from lesbians, who I feel are known
to be jealously monogamous. But just think about it: When you sleep
with someone, you're not humiliating the other person, as the only
male respondent seemed to say. Your body is the only thing that is
absolutely your own, and if you want to "lease" it permanently to
someone else of your own volition, all power to you. But suppose
you're not willing to accept this hypothesis. Why does
non-consequential sex with someone else necessarily humiliate the
other person? Why do they have a right to be jealous? Why do women
get all outraged by a simple (albeit repeated) act of sexual
infidelity and forgive a deep, platonic friendship their husband may
have with someone of the opposite sex?
POSTED OCT. 17, 1998
V.V., straight married female
<VIJAY@DAUPHINE.FR>,
Paris, France
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I suggest that marital fidelity is an item that must be
discussed and agreed upon by both partners. However, whatever the
decision, the impact of marital infidelity upon the offspring
produced by the relationship must be assessed. My observations reveal
perhaps nothing else has more of a negative impact upon the
well-being and sense of security for a child than to have one or more
parents demonstrate a perceived lessening of affection toward his or
her partner. Children operate in a concrete world that does not allow
for such an upheaval without consequences
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
40's male
<reader20@hotmail.com>,
San Antonio , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Casual sex with a third party does not necessarily
humiliate a person's spouse. Depending on their view of sex and
marriage, the spouse could be aroused and intrigued, relieved of a
burden, totally uncaring one way or the other, mildly disappointed,
heartbroken or murderously jealous. But whatever a spouse's emotional
response, it is real and they are entitled to their feelings. For a
relationship to work, whether monogamous or not, both partners need
to respect each other's views and feelings, whether or not they agree
with them. A couple should be wise enough to discern each other's
views on such an important subject before marriage. Two monogamous
people or two mutually agreeable non-monogamous people may pair well
together. I know a non-monogamous couple who have been together 20
years and are quite happy together. But a monogamous spouse with a
non-monogamous partner is likely to lead to considerable marital
conflicts, with one partner feeling rejected and the other feeling
stifled, not exactly a recipe for a fullfilling marriage. Sounds to
me as though you are asking readers to respect a person's right to be
non-monogamous by deceiving a monogamous spouse, and then can't
accept their responses if they disagree.
By the way, I am not a jealous woman and would not find
anything to forgive in a husband having a deep, platonic friendship
with a woman. Marriage vows generally entail forsaking extramarital
sexual relations, not friendships.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, monogamous
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
What's wrong with messing around as long as the other
person doesn't know? 1. It's disrespectful. 2. It usually hurts the
other person. (It certainly would me!) 3. You're putting your
significant other's life in jeopardy. AIDS is no joke. Using
protection doesn't guarantee anything; it just alters the odds of
contracting a disease. If you want to sleep around, stay single. The
alternative is finding a man who will be willing to swing with
you.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Dr. Coldfinger
<metal_head_69@hotmail.com>,
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
As a happily married man, I feel trust, love and honesty
are the three most important parts of any relationship. My wife and I
both had extramarital affairs after promising to be faithful to each
other. It has hurt us both. But through a lot of work and patience,
we have regained each other's trust. Both of our affairs were caused
by dishonesty. We learned before it was too late how much honesty and
trust go hand-in-hand. Without one, you can't have the other. If you
both agree to be faithful, then stay that way and be open about your
feelings. It will save a lot of time and trouble in the future.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Mark T., married 12 years
<alwaysclean@advnet.net>,
Port Huron, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
To V.V.: Jealously monogamous? Wow, that sounds like a lot
of anger talking. The humiliation takes place not by the act of sex,
but by not being honest about it. What you may not realize is that
when you lie (which you will eventually have to do), it affects both
you and your partner. It initiates a lack of respect of both you and
your spouse for the deception to take place. Hence starts the domino
game. The lie, or hiding the truth, becomes harder and harder to keep
going. Deception takes a lot of work and involves additional
deceptions to keep the picture pretty. It may take several years, but
the cards will fall. When that happens, one loses not just the
respect and trust of the spouse, but a big piece of their own
dignity. And I agree with the gentleman who is honored to be
monogamous to his spouse. Honor runs both ways.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Alma, still faithful (and damn proud of it) lesbian
<pridewks@centraltx.net>,
Kempner, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
To V.V.: While two lesbian respondents out of five may be
disproportional, it's hardly a preponderence. Your stereotype of
lesbians as "known to be jealously monogamous" is a new one for me;
I've always thought that if anything, straight women were more likely
to be jealous. However, while I disagree with your stereotyping of
lesbians on this issue, I agree that having sex with someone other
than your spouse doesn't have to be a bad thing. My (female) partner
and I have been together eight years and have been non-monogamous
throughout that time. It has increased rather than decreased the
trust, intimacy and stability of our relationship. I do not
understand the assumption that having sex with other people means
we're not "having a real relationship" - the way I see it, sex is not
the most important part of our mariage, love and commitment are.
Having sex outside your marriage when you've agreed not to, however,
is clearly a violation of trust and damaging to the marriage, just as
any other broken promise would be.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Selena, non-straight female, Berkeley, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
To V.V.: Why would you marry someone if you wish to still
"fool around"? Is this kind of behavior widespread in France?
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
JBW, black female, 33, Capitol Heights, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
In an age when there are so many sexual diseases, AIDS,
clamydia, syphilis and many others, the only way to avoid catching
these diseases is to share your body with someone else who has never
slept around. Monogamy is the healthiest option around, medically
speaking. Your enjoyment is with one person, and there is no risk.
There are no emotional hurts, either.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
J. Urban, 45
<draugas@mailcity.com>,
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 14:
Whew! I'm really amazed at the amount of hostile responses
I got. Why would you want to fool around? I think the answer is
clear: You get married, maybe to the wrong person. You have kids
together. You build a nest egg, but it doesn't fly sexually. You try
to get your sex elsewhere. To put it crudely (and it's a little more
complicated than that), you wouldn't spend the rest of your life
eating home-cooked meals but would also like to eat out at
restaurants, from time to time. Why is sex any different? Why is it
that if you're sexually incompatible with someone, that you have to
put the kids through the heartache of divorce, rather than finding
the pragmatic solution? There seem to be a lot of sexual Ayatollahs
out there!
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
V.V., married female and fooling around
<VIJAYàDAUPHINE.FR>,
Paris, France
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE82: What is the appropriate age to stop breast-feeding? I
know a woman who is still breast-feeding her seven-year-old daughter,
and they take baths together and sometimes breastfeed in the tub. Is
this questionable behavior bordering on sexual abuse, or is it OK?
Why do women who breastfeed for many years continue to do it?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jessica N., 26, white female
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
NY, NY
ANSWER 1:
I have a relative who breastfed her child until he was
about five or six. My mother and I had a discussion about it at the
time, and she felt that it was a very selfish thing to do. It does
seem unnatural to breastfeed a child for so long in our culture,
though it used to be quite normal. The average in modern
hunter/gatherer societies is apparently four years. It acts as a
contraceptive in most women and so provided a healthy four-year gap
between children (a four-year-old child can walk, and so the mother
wouldn't have to carry more than one child at a time). I realize
there is a lot of difference between a seven- and a four-year-old,
but I think the problem lies with the way in which the female breast
is considered by our culture, not in the actual act itself. In some
cultures, women past child-bearing age breastfeed pigs to provide
pork for their families. This is an idea gross to me, but it just
depends on cultural backgrounds. Having said all that, if she is
hoping her child will fit in with the modern Western society she
might be doing the wrong thing, but I don't think it is in any way
abusive.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
K.S., London, UK
FURTHER NOTICE:
I have no academic basis for responding to the specific
questions, but I'll offer my opinion. I feel that no later than one
or two years old is the latest that would normally be appropriate. As
far as your acquaintance is concerned, I think she and her daughter
should seek professional help. While I would not consider it "abuse"
exactly, I do feel the mother is impeding her daughter's social
development.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Lazarus, 45, white male
<lazarus99@usa.net>,
Lawrenceville, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In many Third World countries women breastfeed children up
to 3-5 years of age. There are two primary reasons for this. The
first is a cheap form of birth control. Although women can and do
conceive while nursing, the pregnancy rate among these women is
considerably lower. (I cannot remember the exact number, but it is at
least a 30 percent difference) The second reason is that they have
very little else to feed these children. Considering a young child's
nutritional needs and the availablility of both food and birth
control in the United States, it would be considered perfectly normal
and healthy to breastfeed only up to age three. At that age, a child
is seeking independance from the mother and will normally wean
himself or herself. I doubt that your friend's actions can be
construed as sexual abuse, but I do believe there is a psychological
problem here that should be addressed with a professional. When a
woman has a baby, there are many mental and emotional changes that
happen to her. Love, protectiveness, the feeling of being needed.
"This child needs what I have/am and only I have/am what this child
needs." This is a natural part of the bonding process. This woman
seems to be taking it a bit too far, becoming addicted to the feeling
of being needed. I think it would be fair to compare it to a "God
Complex" where she is substituting the "Fruit of the Tree of Life"
with her milk. The cure may be as simple as finding some other
activity she feels has equal value or as complicated as years of
therapy. If you do not feel comfortable broaching the subject with
her, perhaps you can contact one of the woman's family members,
friends or spiritual leaders who can help.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Gloria M.
<LoriaLee@hotmail.com>,
Warren, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I once heard from a doctor that age three is the best age
to stop breastfeeding a child. However, as with everything there are
exceptions. Breastfeeding a seven-year-old seems very odd and on the
verge of sexual abuse in today's society, but if both mother and
daughter are comfortable with this situation I don't see that it
should matter. One would think that the daughter will soon want to
stop this behavior because she will discover that it is something
usually reserved for babies, and she will have a desire to "be a big
girl." I'm sure that culture plays a major role in the breastfeeding
habits of women around the globe also.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
K.J., 21, white, Lesbian
<JoyGirl77@aol.com>,
Boston, MA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As soon as the child is old enough to drink out of a cup.
(Age 1-2). Your friend who is still nursing her seven-year-old can be
liable for child abuse.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Cynthia, 19, female
<petitecosette@yahoo.com>,
Kingston, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have heard of some cultures in which children are
breastfed until they're three, but the situation you describe makes
one feel decidedly uneasy. I don't know to whom one would make a
discrete inquiry about this - a child-abuse hot line?
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Al, 59
<alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky
Mount, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The appropriate timespan for breastfeeding varies from
culture to culture (in some as long as four, with the average being
closer to two). To my knowledge, the time period is relatively
shorter here in the states (anywhere from 6 weeks to two, typically
less than a year). I nursed both my daughters, the first for
approximately 8 months (I stopped so I could use birth control pills)
and my second for 2 1/2 years. I was often criticized or questioned
why I nursed her as long as I did. Luckily, in my thirties, I felt
less compelled to justify my actions. I find it interesting that so
many people are concerned, even disturbed, with this form of nuturing
and loving our children while our society perpetuates a never-ceasing
stream of otherwise sexual stimulation in our culture. The breasts
serve other purposes beyond sexual pleasure. Your question mirrors
inquiries I've encountered before, and the underlying implication is
that there is something wrong with nursing a child. Ganted, seven is
even a bit too old for me. I stopped nursing my youngest because I
was beginning to tire of my toddler grabbing at my clothing and then
feeling guilty when I had to tell her "not now." During a child's
toddler years there are other ways to comfort a child without
creating trauma from the separation from the breast. I am a strong
advocate of breastfeeding, and I believe that if we were more aware
of the emotional and psychological benefits as well as the health
benefits to both mother and child, we might be more apt to encourage
this practice than to frown at it. Question to you: Does this act
disturb you somehow? If so, why?
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE81: What's the deal with men and cars? Why do some
men become so easily enraged about bad drivers, women drivers or
driving in general? Why do some men get angry and critical when they
are in a car with a female driver?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
J.N., 26, female
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
NY, NY
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