Sexual Orientation
Questions 101-110
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THE
QUESTION:
SO110: I'm a 14-year-old gay teenager and would like any of
the older gay men out there to please give me some advice about
coming out, etc.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Gay, 14,
<ham111@hotmail.com>,
Ontario, Canada
ANSWER 1:
It is incredibly tough to give advice on this, especially
at your age. First, you must be sure that you yourself have accepted
(as much as is possible) your own sexual orientation. At your age,
this may be quite difficult to do. After that, start with your
immediate family (mom and dad). Try to choose a time when everyone is
relaxed and there is adequate time for you to spend discussing the
issue. Try to gauge your parents' feelings regarding homosexuality by
asking questions here and there without actually coming out or
seeming obvious in your questioning. You should be able to tell how
receptive your parents will be. Just realize that his will most
definitely be a defining moment in your life. Your parents are not
going to be happy or necessarily accepting at first. Once they have
time to think about it and realize you are the same person you've
always been, they'll gradually be more accepting. Coming out is a
very long process. Be patient - best wishes.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Brian, 26, gay white male
FURTHER NOTICE:
A lot depends on how your parents will take the news. What
do they think of homosexuality ? For instance, if they see a gay
story on TV, what comment would they make? Are they likely to react
in an aggressive way? You may want to access local gay organizations
that may have youth support groups, if there are any in your area. It
is really difficult to advise what to do in this situation without
knowing the specifics of your relationships with your family, the
area you live in, etc. One critical thing is to be yourself. I
wouldn't give your parents a serving of gay rhetoric; it might create
the impression that this isn't you speaking, that you've been
influenced by someone. So make it clear that this is how you are
feeling, that it is your individual decision.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male
<bscaro@hotmail.com>,
Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, be careful about how "out" you are, depending on
where you live. Remember Matthew Shepard. Although polls show that
most people take a "live and let live" attitude about homosexuality,
there are still plenty of confused, ignorant, hate-filled people who
are more than happy to beat you up for something you have no choice
about. I'm not trying to scare you into the closet, I'm just warning
you that you can be a martyr and wear your sexuality on your sleeve,
or you can, to a certain extent, blend in with society. It's your
choice, and if you're lucky enough to live in a big metropolitan area
where there is a large gay community, so much the better, because
someone else has done the work to make life easier for you. I'm sure
this bit of advice will enrage a few, but those of us who aren't the
type to protest and scream (I have nothing but respect for most of
those brave enough to do it) far outnumber those who do. We're out,
but quietly, and we do our part to earn the respect of straight
society and help just as much to further the cause of putting down
our repression by showing we're just like them in all ways but one.
Second, be gentle with your family and friends about coming out.
Do it quietly and with compassion about their feelings. Don't do it
for shock value. If you can get their support, life is going to be a
lot easier. Don't expect them to embrace your sexuality immediately,
and be prepared to lose some friends because of it. They may never
bring themselves to the point where they completely understand
homosexuality, but perhaps eventually you can at least make them
understand that being gay is not a choice and that you embrace it and
enjoy it.
Some help in coming out can be found in books at most larger
bookstores and libraries in the human sexuality section, and online.
Read them and then share them with the people who matter to you.
Remember that if you can't find support from your family, you'll be
making family for the rest of your life through gay friends. Some of
mine are closer than family.
One more thing and I'll shut up: Practice safe sex. Read
everything you can get your hands on about HIV/AIDS. There are
hundreds of thousands of people in this part of the world, and plenty
in your city, who are HIV-positive, and they can and will pass the
virus to you if the proper precautions aren't taken. The new advances
in medicine are great, but they aren't a cure. The medications being
used by positive men and women to control the disease have terrible
side effects that you don't want to live with. Until a real
cure/vaccine is found, assume every man you ever have sex with is
HIV-positive.
Good luck. You're in for a fun ride. Enjoy it!
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Michael, 39, gay white male, Winston-Salem, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
You say you are from Ontario, but you don't say if you are
from a city or small town. If you are in a city, you should be able
to connect with a lesbian or gay youth group. If you are in a rural
area, this may be more difficult, but in Ontario there is a
province-wide youth hotline called the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual
Youthline. I think it has a website with a telephone number. My
advice is that you contact one of these groups and talk to someone,
especially someone close to your own age. Having been a volunteer
with a number of gay youth groups over the past few years, I think it
best that you talk to another young gay person. Good luck.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Doug K. <dkerr@uwgt.org>,
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First, coming out has to be viewed in perspective. My
coming out at 35 meant I lost a couple of friends, a relative or two,
but not much more. I'm established in my work career in a very open
company, so no danger there. At 14, however, the stakes are far
higher. There are kids on the streets here in Dallas who came out at
15, 16 and 17 and were summarily thrown out of their homes; no
continued financial support, no continued education, no continued
security. They earn money at menial jobs and depend on older guys to
buy them dinners, sometimes with "strings" attached. It's great to be
out and feel free to associate with gay people in the gay
neighborhood, but it's not such a great feeling if you're having to
work the street to stay there. Analyze your own situation, i.e. where
would you live, where would you get money for food, how would you
finish high school if you came out and were then thrown out? In some
cases, it's better to wait until you have some stability before you
make the leap. Tap into resources available at www.oasismag.com,
www.planetout.com, XY Magazine, local gay/lesbian resource providers
or the Metropolitan Community Church for additional information or
help. Good luck, and please make safe and careful choices.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Mark, 38, gay white male
<bentley@cyberramp.net>,
Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO109: At my job we have a person who is in the process of
undergoing a sex change from man to woman. How should I identify and
address this person, as a man or a woman? (i.e. ex-him, her, Mr.,
Ms.)
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
George
<g_harrington@hotmail.com>,
Tampa , FL
ANSWER 1:
I believe you should address the individual by their
preferred/intended gender. Or you could ask them.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, 28, bisexual female, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO108: Are there ways a gay person non-verbally communicates
to let others know he or she is gay? I'm wondering particularly about
the way clothing is worn.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Susan B., 24, straight female, Kansas City, MO
ANSWER 1:
Oh, I would love to hear about it if this were true. I
have the hardest time telling if a girl would be open to my asking
for a date. As a result, I am pretty much afraid to ask anybody. I
make slight flirtatious comments, etc., but short of asking straight
out, I can't tell for sure.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, bisexual female, , CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO107: What are people's opinions on homosexual adoption? No
doubt anyone is capable of loving and being loved. That is not the
issue. To inject an otherwise "normal" sexually oriented child into a
daily 24/7 homosexual environment places that child at risk of being
influenced to make that same "choice" later in life. That is what I
believe homophobics are worried about when the issue of gay adoption
arises. Compassion seems to end when an "innocent" in the eyes of the
mainstream is placed in a high-risk situation, since the adoptive
parents seem to be more selfish than willing to understand. If one
were truly concerned about the children involved and not simply
trying to prove a point that they are just as capable of loving as
the next straight person, this matter would become moot. What say
you?
POSTED DEC. 14, 1998
47, white male, retired Navy, Muncie, IN
ANSWER 1:
I suppose the pat response is to point out that the
overwhelming majority of homosexuals grew up in heterosexual
households. Orientation is not contagious, and there's no evidence
that children raised by gay or lesbian parents are any more or less
likely to be gay/lesbian themselves. And to say that gays only want
to adopt to "prove" that they're capable of being loving and
nurturing is as silly as saying that straights only have children to
"prove" that they are fertile. From the studies I've seen, and from
the gay people I know with children, children raised by gay parents
tend to be very secure in their own sexuality, whatever that may be.
In fact, the extensive screening process that prospective gay
adoptive parents go through seems to weed out many who might not be
good parents; at any rate, and I admit that my evidence is anecdotal,
they seem to have a much lower rate of child abuse and dysfunction
than many straight families.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Kathie, 31, straight female, IA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Heterosexual parents do not "influence" a homosexual child
to be heterosexual, even though that child is exposed to
heterosexuality 24/7, so why would the opposite situation be true?
Children of divorce do not automatically grow up to have a tendency
to divorce, and children from "stable" parents are not guaranteed to
have stable marriages. A child brought up surrounded by love is what
the world needs, regardless of the bond between the adults raising
the child.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
W.F., teacher, military wife, 27
<rfleegal@erols.com>,
Ellicott City, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It may be true that the child's environment influences
sexual preference, but genetics seems to have the dominant influence.
I grew up in a straight environment and my homosexuality still came
through. Why is the situation "high-risk"? Why is it so terrible for
a kid to grow up gay? I can think of only one reason - persecution of
homosexuals by a heterosexual majority. Maybe I was in a "high-risk"
situation - a homosexual kid who grew up in a straight environment.
But I'm doing great. Gay parents, like straight parents, want
children to love and nurture, not to prove a point. Their desire
shows that even if kids grow up to be gay, it's not going to stop
procreation. As you can see, views on this issue will be highly
subjective. Let's first end hatred of gays, and then concerns about
gay adoption will be less important.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer caucasian male
<bscaro@hotmail.com>,
Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a matter of logic, how can one assume a child raised in
a homosexual household would choose to be gay? I ask this because the
question seems to ignore the fact that extant homosexuals were not
all raised in homosexual households. How did those people become gay
without living in a homosexual household? How can one logically
assume that being raised by gay parents precludes the sexual
orientation of the child? Perhaps this is too rhetorical for the
discussion, but some thread of logic needs to be inserted here
somewhere. Thanks for the forum.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
42, white, married, heterosexual father of one, Baltimore, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The case presented here against permitting adoptions by
gay or lesbian couples rests on several fallacies: 1) That sexual
orientation is a choice; 2) That heterosexuality is "normal" and
preferable to homosexuality, which is not "normal", and 3) That
children raised by gay or lesbian parents are more likely to be gay
or lesbian themselves.
Sexual orientation, whether heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual,
is not a choice. No one chooses to whom they will find themselves
attracted or with whom they will fall in love. All three are "normal"
and do not, in and of themselves, make for good or bad parents (or
good or bad children, for that matter). As the questioner points out,
anyone is capable of loving and being loved. Examples of good and
poor parenting can be found across all sexual orientations. Being
raised by gay or lesbian parents no more increases the probability
that a child will be gay than being raised by straight parents. (My
daughter is straight, married and soon to make me a proud grandma.)
Statistically, most children will identify as heterosexual regardless
of their parents' sexual orientation. If anything, perhaps children
who happen to be gay may have an easier time accepting themselves and
coming out to gay parents than to straight parents. I have yet to
hear of any gay parents rejecting their heterosexual children in the
physically and emotionally abusive way that some straight parents
have violently rejected their gay children. That to me constitutes a
high-risk environment.
An adoption agency should indeed have the best interests of
children in mind. Children should be placed with warm, loving, caring
parents who will nurture and love them, regardless of either the
parents' or child's sexual orientation (not because the adoptive
parent is either gay or straight, but because the individual is a
good prospective parent). To limit adoptions to only heterosexual
people is unfounded discrimination, largely against gay men. While
studies have shown that statistically gay men are less than half as
likely as heterosexual males to be fathers, lesbians already mother
children in almost equal proportions to our heterosexual
counterparts.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, lesbian mother & soon-to-be grandmother
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield , MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
In your question, you include a sentence whose facts I
need to rectify/counter: "To inject an otherwise "normal" sexually
oriented child into a daily 24/7 homosexual environment places that
child at risk of being influenced to make that same "choice" later in
life." First of all, if a child is adopted and matures to discover
that he or she is gay or bisexual, they have not made a transition
from "normal" to "abnormal," because both gay, bisexual and
heterosexual orientations are normal. Second, there is no proof,
either empirical or anecdotal, that placing a child into what you
term a "homosexual environment" has any influence whatsoever on the
child's sexual orientation. Children do not look at the parents as
say, "I want to be just like them," and parents don't go to kids and
say, "Don't be straight." However, if a child matures and discovers
he or she is gay, they may have an easier time coming to terms with
it, since they have role models - their parents - to look up to. If
they mature to be straight, their parents are equally happy.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Wendy, 24, bisexual, Atlanta , GA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Selfish? Willing to understand what? That
raising children is a heterosexual privilege and they want to keep it
that way, lest we turn out even more gay people? The desire to have a
family is not unique to heterosexuals; it is not toggled off simply
by being gay or lesbian. As a gay man I am keenly aware of couples
who have children simply because they happen to have the proper
equipment, children who are doomed to a life of mistreatment and
neglect. Their disregard for their offspring is apparent when they
walk into social services centers and demand that someone "fix their
kid."
My would-be spouse (of nearly 10 years) and I have pursued this.
We gave up after running into one brick wall after another, though we
know of others who have had more resolve and have not lost complete
hope. Granted, adoption is difficult even for mixed-gender couples,
but I think anyone who is willing to put themselves through the
torturous hoops that are set up for gay and lesbian people wanting to
adopt are not doing it to prove a point.
The question you pose is heavily laden with bias. But let me tell
you where we agree: If everyone were truly concerned about the
children involved and not simply trying to prove that gay and lesbian
people are less capable of loving as the next straight person,
this matter would indeed become moot.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Rex T. , 35, well-educated, nice income, stable home
<rex_tremende@hotmail.com>,
Cincinnati, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I am a happily involved, straight female who was raised by
my dad and his partner. If anything, it has only made me more
accepting of people who are different from me (not only gay). I
couldn't have asked for more loving parents. Their homosexuality has
not influenced my orientation in any way. I hope all my relationships
can be as loving as theirs. The only downside of having gay parents
is the questions from kids at school, but if they don't accept you
because of who your parents are, they usually aren't worth being
friends with, anyway.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
M.J., Amarillo, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO106: What does it take, as far as money, time, preparation,
surgery, etc., to perform a male-to-female transsexual change?
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
T., 29, white male, Venice, FL
ANSWER 1:
There is a very long list, that much I know. The person
must have therapy, maybe the therapist's opinion that they are
"ready," I'm not sure. They have to take hormones, and live as the
intended gender full time, which makes for some interesting
confrontations when one's driver's license is shown, and at odds with
your appearance (i.e. a "woman" being stopped for a traffic
violation, and the license saying "male"). I believe the actual
surgery, for those who make it that far, is quite expensive, and of
course not covered by insurance.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO105: Why are bisexuals the way they are? How come they can't
choose one sex over the other?
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
J.A.T.
<abqteachr@netscape.net>,
Albuquerque, NM
ANSWER 1:
It's not that I can't "choose one sex or the other," it's
that I am not limited to only one sex. I am completly capable of
feeling romantic love for a person, regardless of gender.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
S.J. 30-something, currently in a long-term heterosexual
relationship, Deep in the Heart of Texas
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO104: To any homosexual man: Why do you like guys? What is it
about guys that attracts you that women don't have?
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
M. Guindon
<abqteachr@netscape.net>,
Albuquerque, NM
ANSWER 1:
That is really difficult to quantify. In my case, it's the
male physique, the strength, the sameness to me that attracts me. I
can appreciate a beautiful woman, but there's little attraction. I've
been married, so I know the "mechanics" work, but the emotional
bonding and desire to really make it work just wasn't there. In the
gay community you will find all types: Guys who like any type of guy,
guys who only like men of color, guys who only like Asians, guys who
only like younger men, guys who only like older men. So, to speak for
my own likes: I like a man who's trim and fit, not a muscle-bound
jock, but someone who just takes care of himself. Ethnicity is
immaterial to me, as is age. If a guy has that "look" that pushes my
buttons, I can't help but be attracted. Just as my straight male
friends all have different takes on what makes a woman attractive, so
do gay men.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Mark B. 37, gay white male
<bentley@cyberramp.net>,
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
This is a very difficult question to answer, especially
briefly. I think it would be just as difficult for a heterosexual man
to explain why he favors women to men. They just do. Personally, I
like the male physique. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a
beautiful, voluptuous woman with intelligence, great hair and
gorgeous legs (The X-Files' Dana Scully comes to mind), but I
find myself much more attracted to men. I like strong, muscular arms,
legs and chests, great hair and a killer smile (and a nice butt
doesn't hurt, either), and I find myself attracted to more sporty,
athletic types. However, I do not find all men attractive (as
I assume heterosexual men don't find all women attractive).
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
J. Crumpton, 31
<tc@explorearizona.com>,
Phoenix, AZ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Simply put, there's no accounting for taste, and no one
knows the mysteries of the human heart. Besides, gay men don't just
like "men," they like types, just like anyone else. Some like
effeminate men, some like masculine men, some like Asians, some like
whites, etc.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Mark S., 30, white, gay male, Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This is a debate no one has been able to successfully
conclude. I don't think woman lack something that precludes me from
having mutual loving relationships with them. I have a desire to form
those kinds of bonds in my life. But for me, all the needs for a
loving, respectful, affectionate, caring, compassionate, egalitarian
and supportive relationship are fulfilled by men.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Topaz, 26, gay male
<sirTopaz@netscape.net>,
Boston, MA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
What makes you (assuming you are) attracted to women and
not men? Sometimes it's physical, sometimes emotional/spiritual, but
regardless, 99.99 percent of the time, they have to have the same XY
chromosomal make-up. That said, here's an ego bruiser: Gay men do not
find all straight men attractive - the ones who are most vocal (and
homophobic) are typically not in the attractive category (even for
straight women).
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Michael, 36 gay white male
<txmichael@worldnet.att.net>,
Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
For the same reason you like memebrs of the opposite sex:
I just do. It's the way I am. I never made a conscious decision to
prefer men, just as you never made a conscious decision to prefer
members of the opposite sex.
POSTED DEC. 11, 1998
Travis S., 28, gay male
<00tdspence@bsuvc.bsu.edu>,
Muncie, IN
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO103: Why is it so uncommon to encounter the idea that
sexuality is a continuum rather than a black-and-white issue? People
aren't tall or short; there are different degrees of height.
Similarly, aren't there different degrees of sexuality?
POSTED DEC. 3, 1998
Richard B., 20, white male
<richard.brooks@furman.edu>,
Greenville, SC
ANSWER 1:
I have asked myself this same question and I believe there
are many gray areas. Sexual orientation is not a choice but a more
black-and-white issue (in my experience). However, it is normal to
have fantasies or sexual experiences with people not of the sex of
your sexual orientation. I think the lines of sexual orientation can
be blurred if you respond to the humanity and the beauty of a person
without limiting yourself to their sex. Of course, it's a lot easier
to respond to those feelings within the parameters of what you
consider "normal" for you. I am a straight woman, but I have had
sexual experiences with other women. After these experiences, of
course, I questioned my sexual orientation. The fear was that I was
somehow repressed or in the closet and didn't even know it myself -
being gay was not a fear. I realized I could be sensual and open with
other women and enjoy the experience without the fear that I was
somehow changing something about myself. Intuitively, however, it is
men to whom I am attracted - and given the men I meet, that is truly
a shame.
POSTED DEC. 16, 1998
Sherri, 27, straight female
<wackydiva@hotmail.com>,
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
I have believed this for a very long time. I think people
like to be able to "classify" people, and to know what to expect. If
you claim lesbian, they know. If you claim straight, they know.
Bisexuals really throw people off. But this limited labeling doesn't
really describe the rest of us. There are women who are attracted to
women, but don't want to have sex with them. There are women who
primarily have sex with women, but occasionally with men. The above
labels really don't describe these people at all. I claim bisexual,
but I feel that gives more credit to an attraction to men than is
true. So the "proper" labels don't fit me well, either.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, bisexual lesbian, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My guesses: Western culture is addicted to the idea of
either/or dichotomies. Aristotle foisted that one on us, and his
concept has a splendid clarity and simplicity to it. Unfortunately,
as in this case, it almost never corresponds to reality. Nearly
always, there are either shades of gray, or, instead of either/or,
the reality is both/and. Humans seem to be a xenophobic species. We
fear and demonize difference. In order to do this effectively,
difference must be exaggerated, so we can imagine that they
are nothing at all like us. Either/or thinking is helpful here. If we
pretend we don't know that at least 50 percent of the population has
same-sex interests, we can more easily hate the queers. (This refusal
to know our own truth is so strong that even people who are entirely
gay-oriented can confuse themselves about this basic reality for
decades, sometimes recognizing their inner reality only in their 40s,
50s, or 70s).
It's no accident that most straight people will tell you they
don't know any gay people. They do know us, of course, but they don't
know that they know us. So they can think we're very exotic, foreign,
"other." Finally, we as a culture are so scared of sex that we dare
not think of its varieties. We treat it like Pandora's Box. Thus the
weird-yet-common belief that A) gay sex is the most disgusting thing
on earth, and B) if people try it even once, they will be utterly
captured by it, and they'll be enslaved forever.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Will H., 48, gay, psychotherapist
<tccwill@flash.net>,
Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO102: A question (SO59) has already been posted asking gay
people when they knew they were gay. This question is aimed at
lesbians only: Did you always feel a strong physical
attraction to other females, or did you just have no attraction to
males and over time became attracted to females? Is it something you
just always know but can't express in words, or is it sort of an
awakening?
POSTED DEC. 3, 1998
Confused, twenty-something female
ANSWER 1:
There was a specific time for me that I can remeber
feeling a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders - that being the
time when I finally came out to myself and fully accepted the fact I
was gay (I prefer that label over "lesbian," but that's another talk
show topic!) I also came out to someone else on the very same day -
and for me, it was a wonderful experience. If I had gone through my
life paying attention to my feelings and to what I was going through
early on, I would never have had to go through the experience of
being confused and wondering what was wrong with me. However, I did
go through that experience, and at least I can reassure my mother
that I gave "being straight" an honest try. Have you tried looking
back on your life? It is a great exercise. Try thinking back to the
very first time you were attracted to another woman (or girl as the
case may be). The answers you find may surprise you. Take time, and
keep in mind that this is a process - which means it will take a long
time. You are young though, so I suspect you have plenty of time.
Don't rush anything, either. You are at a vulnerable point in your
life. Rushing into any type of relationship right now may only serve
to hurt you in the end.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Garet, 27, gay woman, St. Petersburg, FL
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO101: To homosexuals: Anytime I see a movie or TV show
depicting the lives or relationships of gay people, eventually the
character tries to resolve the moment that he/she found out they were
gay. I have always known I was straight; in fact, for me it was never
a question. Are these movies true to real life in that you don't
realize until later that you are gay?
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Kevin C., 25, straight white male, Married, Warren, MI
ANSWER 1:
The basic assumption for any child growing up today is
that they are straight. Thus, if a person truly is straight, there's
nothing in their life that contradicts that fundamental notion and
thus no moment of realization that a different label applies -
because the label of "straight" or the assumption of opposite-sex
attraction has always applied. If a person is gay, however, there
comes a point at which they realize that the default label doesn't
apply to them. This is particularly true when a person has been
brought up to believe that to be gay is to be evil, sinful or
predatory - in this case, the moment of realization can be very
difficult.
In my own case, I had been more or less aware I was attracted to
other men, but because I'd been taught that to be gay was to be evil,
I never thought that that word applied to me (I certainly didn't
think of myself as evil, and I hadn't actually had any of the
experiences that people labeled as sinful - it was in the realm of
feelings only). The moment of realization, then, was not so much that
I was gay in terms of realizing I was attracted to men, but that the
word gay itself applied to me and my life. That realization began a
long process of questioning whether what I'd been taught about being
gay as sinful or evil was, in fact, true.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Corey T., 26, gay male, Cambridge, MA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Our society is rooted in compulsory heterosexuality. As a
developing child, images of the heterosexual lifestyle are
continually reinforced, and offered mostly as the only option. Many
individuals never reflect on this; they simply accept these
socializing messages. For some, this unconscious acceptance of the
heterosexual label is a perfect fit. Hence, the idea of "always
knowing." However, subscription to heterosexuality is not always
practical, fulfilling or appropriate, for many people. With diversion
from heterosexuality being "unpopular" in our society (repeated acts
of condemnation, discrimination and terrorism confirm this point),
the declaration/reconciliation of oneself as a homosexual can be an
incredibly difficult and challenging event. "Realizing" that one is
"later" gay is a matter of placing a label on oneself that was not
offered during adolesence as an option. In a society that sends
messages that non-heterosexuality is invalid and wrong, it often
takes a journey of personal exploration and development to be able to
address coming out.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Steve, gay male, 25, Newark, DE
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