Sexual Orientation
Questions 11-20
Feel free to browse the following questions, some of which may
still await answers. You can then post an answer or counter an answer
that has already been posted. Please read the
guidelines for answering questions
before making a posting.
Previous 10 this topic
area 
Next
10 this topic area
THE
QUESTION:
SO20: What does the symbol of the rainbow stand for in the gay
community?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
L.C.,
<loose450@aol.com>
Waterford, MI
ANSWER 1:
The rainbow signifies the attitude of the gay community:
We accept all colors, races, ethnicities, religions, etc.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Bee, New York City
FURTHER NOTICE:
Bee's response, though touching, is awfully optimistic.
But then, so is much of the gay/lesbian movement. We tend,
unfortunately, to be just as divided racially as the rest of America.
Bee is right, though, that the rainbow is intended to represent our
diversity: We are everywhere, we are everybody. Every class,
religion, race, educational level, occupation - you name it, we're
there.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Will H., 43, gay, white, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The Rainbow became popular as a political symbol for Jesse
Jackson's "Rainbow Coalition" during his first run for president (I
believe1984). It was meant to be a symbol of inclusion of people from
many different races, though Jackson's campaign was very clear that
the coalition embraced the gay/lesbian community as a full-fledged
member. After Jackson's campaign, the rainbow symbol faded somewhat
from public view, but gays and lesbians retained it as a political
symbol, and its use as such grew within the gay community at roughly
the same time it became less often used in general. Today, it has
come to be almost exclusively a gay/lesbian symbol. There may have
been a major event in the mid- or late-80s (a march on Washington or
some other huge gay gathering such as the Gay Olympics) that used it
prominently as its logo on T-shirts and other memorabilia, and I
think that's the point when it really became cemented as a gay
symbol.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
N.P., 35, African American gay male
Philadelphia, PA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
N.P. is incorrect on this one. The rainbow flag was
designed specifically for a San Francisco Gay Pride event,
considerably before Jesse's run for the White House. I'm lousy at
dates, and I'm afraid, at names, so I can't give the exact date or
the designer's identity. (But I'll see if I can find them). Of
course, the rainbow itself has been a symbol of various things for as
long as there have been people to look into the sky, but the
six-banded rainbow flag with saturated jewel tones in
red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple order was created by a gay man,
to be a gay symbol.
Will H., white, gay, 48, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Will, there is a discrepancy in what you said about the
order of colors in the rainbow flag. A gay man didn't design that;
Mother Nature did. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet is the
order of a real rainbow, so whoever designed it knew their natural
sciences.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
S.B., gay male, Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The Philadelphia Gay News, June 24-30, 1994, reports that
the rainbow flag design dates to 1978, when Gilbert Baker was asked
to design a symbol for the San Francisco gay and lesbian Freedom Day
Parade. "The idea of a flag the color of the rainbow hit me as a
natural symbol from nature ... There's an implied multiculturalism to
it, an all-encompassing aspect ..." While another source reports that
the design originally included pink and indigo, the PGN reports that
the official names for the current colors are: Old Glory red, orange,
Spanish Yellow, Irish green, royal blue and pansy purple. Apparently,
Baker chose that particular purple because of the name - a slur in
many other contexts, it's humorous here.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Mark, gay, Richmond, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As a footnote, the six bands of the flag originally
designed by Gilbert Baker (red, orange, yellow, green, blue and
violet) traditionally represent, respectively, life, healing, sun,
nature, art and harmony. Baker's original flag, however, also
included two additional bands: Hot pink (sexuality) and indigo
(spirit). The hot pink stripe vanished almost immediately because
Baker's flag was hand-dyed, and when the flag began to be produced by
others, hot pink fabric was nearly impossible to find. The indigo
stripe disappeared when a grief-stricken community turned out to
mourn the assassination of Harvey Milk (San Francisco's first openly
gay supervisor) and the coordination of the parade route required six
colored bands go down six streets. The elimination of indigo was the
most practical. The flag as a whole has come to represent pride in
the diversity of our community. (Source: The Rainbow Flag by
Steven W. Anderson)
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Stuart L., 17, gay white male, talvezmb@hotmail.com, Tallahassee,
FL
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The original representation of the rainbow is the Buddhist
symbol for good luck - a wish of success in all your endeavors.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
M.A.D., 42, straight black, Salinas, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO19: I would like to know if male homosexuality in modern Greek
society is the norm.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Beth, white, Edinburgh, U.K.
ANSWER 1:
I found out the answer to this one after telling a joke
with a Greek/Homosexual punchline to some Greek friends. They were
absolutely bewildered. After explanations, the joke became humorous
to them when a different ethnicity was substituted. I was informed
that Greeks tell these types of jokes about the English!
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Sue B., Camarillo, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO18: Why do homosexuals think they were born gay? There has never
been a study to show genetics has anything to do with it.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
J. Smith, 28, Detroit, MI
(Similar question posted March 31, 1998, by J. Wu, 18, Lawrenceville,
GA, and May 11, 1998, by Rob, straight white male
<innvertigo@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI)
ANSWER 1:
Actually, there have been a number of studies published
recently that point to some sort of biological reason for sexual
orientation. One study, financed by the National Institutes of
Health, found significant correlation between the size of the
hypothalamus gland, in the brain, and sexual orientation. Another
found that hearing sensitivity, long known to be better in females
than in males, was less so in lesbians. Twin studies have found a
higher correlation of identical twins with the same sexual
orientation than is found among non-identical twins. So, while a
genetic cause for sexual orientation has yet to be found, and may not
exist, there is increasing evidence that certain biological factors
play a role in determining orientation, along with other factors.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M.,41, gay
<marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
The main reason many of us report having been "born this
way" is that it is our direct experience. I, for example, can recall
being attracted to other boys when I was in the first or second
grade. I knew even then that these attractions were not the ones that
other people would approve of and that I'd better keep quiet about
them. I didn't know what sex was about at that time. Years later,
when the hormones began to pump, I figured out the sexual part. But
from my earliest awareness, I knew that other males were special to
me in a way that females were not. Do you believe that you "learned"
to be straight? If so, when?
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Will H., 48, gay, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Mr. Smith and Mr. Wu: There are many things we know or
believe about ourselves that are not subject to scientific scrutiny.
Your presumption of what gay people think, and your implied belief
that they should not think it, is hetero-centric and illogical. Do
you not know yourself until conclusive scientific proof is
supplied to those who disagree with you? I doubt it. I don't need no
stinkin' science. I am what I am, never chose it, wouldn't change it
and don't need for you to be comfortable with it.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay male
<qteacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO17: I have lived as an open lesbian for almost 15 of my 39 years.
I've become more and more out about my sexual orientation, partner,
political activism, etc., particularly at work. Most of my co-workers
know now that I'm gay. My question is: How do straight folks really
feel when they first learn a co-worker/ friend is gay? My experience
has been that they're more relaxed about it when I come out than I
am, but I have a hard time believing this reaction is genuine.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Linda B.
<bwexplor@execpc.com>
Milwaukee, WI
ANSWER 1:
I'd take your co-workers at face value. When you spend
40-plus hours per week with people, you get to know them. Whether you
stand on a box and shout or run to your office and hide, people
usually take notice and hear things. Being normal for your workplace
and with your co-workers is best. If you have a spouse/significant
other, don't hide them or be afraid to trade spouse stories with
co-workers if it's the norm to do so there. Having worked with openly
gay and closeted gay people, I find it uncomfortable only when a
person denies they have a life outside of work. As a friend once said
to me, "sex is sex."
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Heidi, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am heterosexual and do not react at all to
homosexuality. I find it completely normal, and wouldn't mind at all
working with a homosexual person. I don't like to refer to people by
their sexuality; I don't recognize my friends as straight or gay.
They are my friends. That's all.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Magnus S., Sweden
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It's hard to fake acceptance of a gay or lesbian person. I
accept gay and lesbian people for who they are. I have some friends
who are bigots, and when someone comes out to them, they become
visibly uncomfortable. At that point, I'm not sure who is more
uncomfortable, but the tension is apparent. As a supporter of
gay/lesbian rights, I've spoken with many people on both sides. There
does not seem to be much middle ground. People will either accept you
or not. My experience is you can accept their acceptance as genuine
until proven otherwise.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
B. Root
<t_broot@qualcomm.com>
San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a heterosexual female who has friends who are gay,
lesbian, bi-, etc. If any friend of mine said they were gay before I
knew, they would be my friend afterward, too. Even if my friends were
"flaming," as my friends say, the thought doesn't really occur to me
until they tell me they are gay. In short, for me, it doesn't matter;
I accept them for who they are.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Kara, Japan
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It kind of depends on who tells me. In any case, I don't
care what the sexual orientation of a co-worker is. But to answer
your question, it depends on how I find out. When I find out from
someone else that Mr. Smith is gay, I don't think anything one way or
the other. If Mr. Smith tells me, though, I just think, "Now,
why did he have to tell me that?" It's just my own thinking,
of course, but I'd feel silly saying to someone something like, "I'm
straight."
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Mark, 40, straight male, MS
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a heterosexual female, 27, and to be perfectly
honest, even though it does not bother me and I find it interesting,
I do walk on eggshells a bit more with lesbians and/or gays because I
always feel like I am going to accidently insult them and say
something innocently that actually hurts their feelings. Therefore, I
measure my words more around them.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Dionna F. 27, female, Kansas City, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I have a co-worker whom everybody perceives as a lesbian
and who has come out to a couple people at work. She and I are pretty
close in terms of sharing life and family experiences and work
problems, but it's still surprising she has not come out to me. One
day that I asked her why she limited her openness to me and her
response was that she was afraid it would risk our valued friendship.
I have indirectly indicated to her that I care about her for who or
what she is and that a person's sexual preference is not an issue to
me. I respect her reasons for not sharing that part of herself to me,
but I still hope she would understand that part of being true
friends, as she claims us to be, is being comfortable in sharing a
major part of what she really is.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
M.F.M., Orlando, FL
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO16: I am straight male. When my gay friend and I go to a gay male
bar, why is it that other gay males try to pick me up when I tell
them I am straight?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Scott, Ontario, Canada
ANSWER 1:
First, your presence in a gay bar probably makes them
question your claim that you are straight. Many men who have sex with
men identify as straight, even though they engage in all the sexual
practices of gay men. Second, some gay men seem to enjoy the
challenge of seducing a straight man, much as many straight men enjoy
the "hunt" when pursuing a reluctant woman. Lastly, some gay men
express self-hatred by finding straight men more attractive, as
though they are "better" than gay men, and therefore more desirable.
This is fortunately seen less these days, but was a common form of
internalized homophobia back when gays were more oppressed. My
suggestion is just to be flattered, but polite and firm in expressing
your lack of interest.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M., 41, gay
<marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
I agree with much of what Mark said, though I am wary of
terms like "self-hatred" and "internalized homophobia." There is some
truth to them, but these terms are often abused when one gay person
wishes to express disapproval of another. You see them used all the
time in gay magazines as a casual way of dismissing people who don't
follow gay traditions. For some reason, it's much easier to write
someone off as an "unenlightened victim of society" rather than see
their different perspectIve as valid. I think these overused terms
are little more than reflexive mantras. Odds are you are hit on
because you are an attractive person. If you look at gay porn, the
sexual ideal they portray usually is a pretty tough, non-flamboyant
guy. I can't think of a single popular porn star who is effeminate on
screen (and I'm a fan of porn). These guys at bars are probably
hoping you're curious, that's all.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C., gay male, New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Scott, your saying "I'm straight" to a gay guy might be
likened to a woman saying to a man she is not interested in "I can't
dance with you, I'm a lesbian" just to get them off their back. Try
saying, "My partner wouldn't like me to do that." That is usually
left quite alone, and requires no qualifiers. You don't even have to
apologize if you do something later. Who is to say that you didn't
later communicate with your "partner"?
POSTED FEB. 15, 1999
Aris A., 21, white/Hispanic female
<Arissssss@aol.com>,
Alameda, Bay Area, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO15: I seem to notice more gay/lesbian couples showing a little
more affection in public than would be accepted by heterosexual
couples. Why is this?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Jessica G., 21, straight, Lake Orion, MI
ANSWER 1:
Public displays of physical affection between same-sex
couples is not something most of us have grown up with, and not
something we frequently see in films or on television. Public
displays of affection among heterosexual couples is so common and
familiar to us that we often fail to notice it. We think nothing of
seeing a man and woman walking down the street arm in arm or holding
hands, or kissing or hugging each other as a greeting. Most gay men
and lesbians must think about their surroundings and the people
around them before making any physical overture to a same-sex
partner, friend or acquaintance. To demonstrate affection in the
wrong surroundings carries the threat of verbal abuse, physical
violence and worse. I do not believe gay and lesbian people show more
affection than heterosexuals in public; it is just far more
noticeable on those rare occasions when we do. Many people also have
very different definitions of "socially acceptable" demonstrations
for same-sex couples than for couples of opposite sexes.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
Tony T., 31, white, gay, Milwaukee, WI
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a lesbian, I think just the opposite (of Jessica G.'s
statement) is true. Perhaps you noticed the homosexual couples
because the public affection is still on the outside of societal
norms. I think if you took a day at the park or beach and did a
tally, the straight couples would still win out.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
K.R., 32, Milwaukee, WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are probably two components: 1) Since any public
affection at all between same-sex couples is unusual and socially
discouraged, you will notice it more and tend to be more startled by
it. It will seem more extreme, even if it's not. 2) Some gay or
lesbian couples strive to make a social/political point - we've felt
suppressed for so long that once we break out of society's
prohibitions, we sometimes can't resist rubbing the straights' noses
in it. A possible third reason: Straight people get to practice the
art of "what's appropriate where" from the time they're in their
early teens. Most gay people don't and may be a bit awkward in
delineating new boundaries. ("Is a peck on the cheek enough? Is a
massive grope too much?")
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Will H.; white, gay, middle aged, Dallas
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think straight people should learn to get used to it. As
I become more and more comfortable with myself and my environment, I
don't really care what people think or see. If you are straight, and
you are uncomfortable with this, don't sweat, you are entitled to
your opinion. But just stop for a minute and imagine what it would be
like if you couldn't hug or kiss your girlfriend/boyfriend without
looking around or over your shoulder, making it inconvenient and
unromantic. It is a most sad and unfortunate way to live your
life.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Robert, 28, gay
<wedbanquet@aol.com>,
Sacramento, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO14: Is "coming out" still a frightening action for homosexuals?
It seems that it wouldn't be, with so many people publicly out.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
R.J., white, heterosexual, Cleveland, OH
ANSWER 1:
Since I came out of the closet when I was 18, I've noticed
more and more people coming out, too. For me, it wasn't nearly as
frightening as I thought it would be. In fact, when I told my family
about my homosexuality, they were like "And....?" It seemed as though
they knew I was gay even before I did. None of them love me any less
for who I am. I am still a little scared to tell my father. I almost
did once, but my mother talked me out of it. I still feel she is
ashamed of my being gay. It hurts me that she feels this way, but she
still loves me as her son. Maybe one day she'll realize that my being
gay is not an embarrassment.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
Andrew V.,32, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a statistical trend, it's probably easier. In the
1950s, homosexuality was considered criminal behavior in most
jurisdictions; people used to go to jail if they were caught in a gay
bar. So coming out back then was surely very difficult for everyone.
However, even though society is more tolerant, there are still many
prejudiced individuals and belief systems. Someone from a
fundamentalist background or from a family that laughs at "faggot"
jokes is not going to have an easy time of it. Being gay is still a
significant factor in teen suicide. Society has a long way to go
before coming out is comfortable for all.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Anonymous queer
<ephiny@geocities.com>,
Nashville, TN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The most frightening and difficult part of my coming out
involved coming out at work three years ago. For many gays and
lesbians out in other areas of our lives, work is the last bastion of
the closet. Because my corporate coming-out coincided with the formal
recognition of a gay, lesbian and bisexual employee resource group at
work, I was aware of the increased potential for backlash.
Like most gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, the
non-discrimination statement at the company for which I worked did
not mention sexual orientation. I could be fired on a whim. There is
still no federal law protecting gay and lesbian workers from
arbitrary dismissal in the United States. The lavender ceiling is
very real. Coming out could mean employees risking the end of their
career advancement, firing or harassment.
While company management and the gay-lesbian-bi employee resource
group have worked together to make great strides in improving the
corporate culture for gay workers the last few years, including
revising the written non-discrimination policy to include sexual
orientation, much remains to be done before all employees feel safe
to come out at work. For those at less-inclusive companies, the
prospects could be even more frightening.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer/corporate diversity council member
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a member of a youth group that serves gay, lesbian,
bisexua and transgender youth in the Atlanta area, I can tell you
that coming out is definitely still a very scary experience for a lot
of young people. Usually it's not as hard when the person you are
coming out to is younger, but depending on the attitudes of the
person (particularly religious attitudes) and the relationship that
existed beforehand, even then coming out can be seriously
nerve-wracking and can cause major problems.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Wendy D., 23, white, bisexual, Atlanta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 4
Coming out is scary any time you do it, especially if you
are still dependent on you parents. I know women who are openly
lesbian while at the college we attend, but who feel there is no way
they could tell their parents for fear of being financially disowned.
So they pretend to be straight for the sake of their parents and
education. Every time you come out to a person, you have to ask
yourself, Is it really worth it? Homosexuals can still be fired from
their jobs just for being homosexual, and in most states, it's still
legal to discriminate based on sexual preference, so yes, it still is
scary to come out.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Theresa S., 18, lesbian, t_setty@hotmail.com, Newport News, VA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO13: Do lesbians enjoy looking at nude, pornographic pictures of
women as much as men do?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Don B., Brunswick, Ga.
ANSWER 1:
As a gay female, I enjoy looking at photos of nude women.
But many of my gay friends do not. In fact, it seems almost taboo in
the gay female community to express an affinity for porn. I believe
it has a lot to do with a perception of political correctness being
incongruent with enjoying nude pictures of women. Some studies
suggest porn is oppressive to women, and although I agree that some
venues of illicit porn do oppress, not all nudity does. I enjoy
Playboy and Hustler, but some of the themes disturb me. (Like
portrayal of supposedly very young girls, bondage, rape and
submission.) But, I believe most lesbians would agree that the
depiction of a beautiful nude woman is a wonderful vision to
behold.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
L.H., 35, Portage, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
I consider myself a heterosexual female, and I enjoy
looking at pictures of nude women. I don't know why, I have never had
an urge to have sex with a female, it is just pleasurable to me. Go
figure
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Jabberwocky, Utica, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Lesbians vary like any other people, so I can only speak
for myself. For the most part, no, I don't view porno magazines or
porno flicks, nor do most of my friends. This seems to be more a male
(gay and straight) arousal technique that doesn't seem to interest
many women (gay or straight). Even the allegedly "lesbian"
themed-ones tend to be produced by straight males for straight males,
with little more than young, buxom lipstick models performing for the
camera. These are women reduced to little more than body parts, and
those bodies relegated to straight-male fantasies of what a
"beautiful" body should look like and react to. There are however,
some lesbian-produced erotic art and films that I do enjoy on
occasion. These films tend to have more character development, while
the artwork covers a much larger range of ages, ethnic backgrounds
and body types. I also enjoy books of female bodybuilders, although
not necessarily for erotic content. I think I just like
unconventional women, and those with a little attitude.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Dyke On Byke
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I will not look away from a nude picture of a woman,
because I think women have beautiful bodies. I also look at nudes to
critique a body, just as a lot of others do - "Nice legs! Whoa, is
that a pimple on her buttock?" The only time I look at porn is if
someone else (usually my male neighbor) is looking at it while I'm
around. I don't watch for long, but when I do, I'm usually clowning
the sex scenes - "Ha ha wow, that girl looks mighty uncomfortable." I
never get sexual pleasure out of looking at pornography, but I
usually do get a good laugh.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1999
Chrissy, 21 lesbian
<chrissy@home.com>, San
Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am a a bisexual woman who gets very turned on by
watching pornography. It is one of the traits my boyfriend likes
about me. I get more turned on by the lesbian than heterosexual
scenes. I think it is because women know what women like, so they
understand more of what they are doing and it is usually not as
harsh-looking as the heterosexual sex in porns.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1999
27-year-old, just realizing I'm a bisexual female, Erie , PA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO12: I've often wondered why a gay/lesbian person would be
attracted to someone who was more like their opposite gender.
Example: A lesbian attracted to a "butch" woman. Or a man attracted
to a feminine guy. I know there are all kinds of attractions in the
gay world, as well as the straight world, but this has often caused
me to wonder why this person wouldn't then be attracted to the
opposite gender.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mandy C, Plymouth, MI
(Same question posted March 29, 1998, by AJCVH, 47, white female,
suburban Detroit)
ANSWER 1:
Sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction,
but also about love and emotional bonding. It is not that some men
cannot be sexually attractive, but that it is nearly impossible to
develop a strong emotional tie with them. Most are just too alien. As
a lesbian feminist who often finds myself attracted to butch women,
jocks or other strong, "uppity" lesbians, I enjoy the easy
camaraderie, emotional openness and warmth in these women. Emotional
and physical intimacy comes easy and natural. Not at all forced.
Trying to communicate on a deep personal level with a man is often
like trying to speak a foreign language to me. Moreover, I am
beginning to view the gender spectrum in more than typical two
genders.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield , MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a gay, 35-year-old woman who has been out more than
15 years. When I first came out, I thought all gay relationships
consisted of a masculine and a feminine. It was by learning about gay
history that I realized this was not inherent to the gay lifestyle.
There was a time when mainstream thought could not comprehend a
relationship that was otherwise. Men were strong and macho, women
were soft and weak. Gay men and women who did not fit into these
narrow guidelines went to the opposite extreme or hid behind public
facades. To be viewed in public as openly gay was also dangerous, so
couples adopted the mainstream attitude of masculine and feminine.
Butch women would appear as male, for example.
Though public opinion has changed the last 50 years, stereotypes
die hard. I am now in a relationship not based on how feminine I am
or how butch my wife is. It is wonderful not to feel pigeon-holed.
She is more athletic, but I am more tool-oriented; she does not wear
feminine clothes, yet she is not butch. I like to wear dresses, but
I'm the one outside with the chainsaw cutting firewood. There is no
masculine or feminine between us. That is an antiquated condition on
its way out.
There will always be very butch women, and they will be beautiful
in their own way, celebrating their womanhood (not femininity) in
their own way. There will be very effeminate men celebrating their
manhood (not machismo) in their own way. I love my wife for who she
is, not because I view her as a substitute for a man. I do not find
the male anatomy sexually attractive, nor do gay men find the female
anatomy sexually stimulating. And I rather doubt they are looking for
a man to substitute for a woman. Attractions just happen. What is
attractive to one may not be to another. Go figure.
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
C. Foster, 35, lesbian, mother, wife
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I'm a gay man and have been attracted to only "masculine"
gay men my whole life. Looks are great, but even if a guy has a
dynamite body and a face like Adonis, I have no interest in him if
he's effeminate. And a really strange-looking dude can be incredibly
hot if he's got a virile personality. Yes, I know how offensive all
these labels are, but I think you know what I mean by them, anyway.
I'm on the "cave man" side of things myself. I do have some
effeminate friends but there's zero sexual spark with them. I'm
baffled (not offended) by gay guys who are into effeminate men,
because it seems like ... well, they seem womanly to me. I don't get
it. Anyway, I thought you might like to know this same question
puzzles some gay people, too.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Tim C., gay
<Tcran@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
The only type of men I am physically attracted to are what
are known as "bears"... very masculine, heavy, stocky, burly, often
older and usually hairy men. One of the finest compliments I ever
received was when a friend said he thought I was "more gay" than
most, meaning more true to my orientation because I am attracted to
true masculinity as opposed to the prevelant icons of young, slim,
hairless, muscular guys. I am quite turned off by effeminite men, and
I don't enjoy even being around them. I have always been perplexed at
how often I see gays who are attracted to effeminite men and lesbians
who are attracted to "butch" women. I would think that if one is
attracted to the same sex, he or she would not want someone who acts
more like the opposite sex. I am not saying I am right or wrong., I'm
just offering another perspective. I just can't relate because as a
masculine gay man, I am attracted to those who are the ultimate in
masculinity.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Deitrich M., 23, gay male, Asheville, NC
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO11: Is it true that most gay men have had sex with a woman at
least once? The male population at my work is about 70 percent gay,
and most say they have.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Carlos V.
<cgvjelly@aol.com>
Flower Mound , TX
ANSWER 1:
While it is true that many men who are gay have had sex
with a woman, it is not true for all. I am a 30-year-old gay male and
have never had sex with a woman. Gay people, like all people, are
curious, so it is not uncommon for one to have experimented with
heterosex when they were young, just as many straight men have had
homosexual experiences as young men.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jack, 30, gay male, Ann Arbor, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Keep in mind that there is a whole spectrum of sexual
orientations. Men who are exclusively attracted to (and sexual with)
other men are very numerous, but we're hardly the whole story of
sexual variation. Lots of men have attractions to both sexes; some
more toward the hetero end of the spectrum, some more toward the homo
end. And for some men, the balance changes over time - either in how
the man actually feels or just in how he behaves. Same goes for
women. Me, I'm all the way over at the end of gay side - never had
sex with a woman, don't expect to.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Will H. 48, Dallas
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would like to add that we're strongly socialized to be
heterosexual. Everything you see around you from the time you're born
is oriented toward heterosexual behavior. If you're gay, overcoming
that conditioning may be very difficult. Even if you're not attracted
to the opposite sex, or are less attracted than you are to the same
sex, you may choose to be involved in a heterosexual relationship
because it's more socially acceptable. Plus, I think sexuality is a
continuum. There are people on both ends who are totally straight or
totally gay, but there are a lot of people in the middle who have
some degree of interest in heterosexual "and" homosexual
relationships.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Julie C., 30, lesbian
<nobozos@feist.com>
Wichita, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think that the word you are looking for here is
"experimentation." If you're straight, "experimentation" may take the
form of a homosexual act; but if you're gay, it may very well consist
of trying to "make it" with a woman. Perhaps this is what you are
perceiving. The other possibility is that you are listening to an old
wive's tale and that the notion of most gay men having had sex with a
woman is pure bunk.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1998
Glenn P., 39
<C128User@GTI.Net>
Washington, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It may also be a generation thing. For many of us over the
age of 37, it was one of the safest ways to escape society's
discrimination. Many gay men even went as far as to marry and have
children. This allowed us to function within the realms of family,
work and religion.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Steve N., 40
<blaster7@hotmail>
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a gay man who married for eight years to hide the
fact I was gay. I was not attracted to women in general but
technically our sex was often fantastic. The fact that we had a
long-term and exciting sexual relationship may, I suppose, peg me as
bisexual, but my true desire is for men. I have always considered
myself gay. I would guess the number of gay men who have had sex with
women may be close to the same number of straight men who have had
sex with other men (maybe half?).
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP