Sexual
Orientation
Questions 31-40
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THE QUESTION:
SO40: Are there any specific reasons for the lisp many gay men
have when they talk?
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Dan J., 32, white male, Sonoma County, CA
(Similar questions posted June 23, 1998, by Mark, straight male,
Chicago, IL; and Oct. 7, 1998, by Yvonne G., straight white female,
41, Carlsbad, CA)
ANSWER 1:
I'm sure some people won't like your question, but I know
what you're saying. I'm a gay man and there definitely is a "lilt" to
the voices of many gay men. It's very easy to detect. Sometimes it's
a lisp, but more often it's an extra inflection (i.e. taking two
syllables to say "please"). I don't think there's a clear reason for
it - it's definitely not something gay men try to do consciously. It
just happens to some of them, and the reasons are mysterious to us as
well. Some gays try to deny lisps and lilts even exist, but they're
kidding themselves.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
W. Cranston, gay
<tcran@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
Few gay men actually lisp, but some adopt other
affectations, anywhere from subtle to outrageous, which is the kind
we are mostly exposed to in the media. Flamboyant speech seems to
serve many purposes. For one, it is a way to mock those who mock us,
sort of an in-your-face way of saying, "Yeah, so what?" It can be a
form of self-parody that can be a positive, witty way of expressing
self-acceptance. Camp. It can be used to reveal ourselves or identify
others. But for most I think it's copied because it's expressive,
affirming and fun.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, gay male, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a gay man who has been out for nearly 20 years.
During this time I have lived in New York and South Florida and have
traveled extensively in the United States, England, France, Germany,
Australia and New Zealand. Most of my friends are gay. I have almost
never heard the lilt or lisp that you refer to - certainly no more
among gay men than among straight. I'm sure there are a few types out
there who think lisping and lilting is part of the "package" that
comes with being gay, so they affect it. On the other hand, some of
the guys you hear lisping may very well be straight, and most of the
gay men you know do not affect this speech pattern at all. To the
extent it exists, it is a pretty unreliable indicator of sexual
preference.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Steve K., 42, gay white male
<veryexcited@mailexcite.com>,
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I really don't think that you can identify a gay person by
a "lisp" or the extra inflection. Especially extra inflection. Many
people from different areas have different inflections, and nowadays
with people traveling and living in so many areas, it is easy for
straight people as well as gays to develop an accent or inflection
that you might consider "gay." I was taught to speak and pronounce
English perfectly. My parents moved a lot as children, so their
sentence melody is different and not distinct to one area. As a
result, I speak with an inflection different than most. I do not have
a lisp, nor is the tone of my voice "gay" as you would put it, but I
have had a lot of people ask me if I am gay because of my inflection.
I also know many people who have had the same thing happen to them. I
think that if you are straight or gay, it really doesn't matter -
everyone speaks differently, everyone has a different sentence melody
and everyone has different inflections.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Patrick, 16, straight white male,
<patrick75@yahoo.com>,
Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Hi there, I think one major explanation for the way some
gay guys speak is that it's a habit they have picked up. Just as any
other person, people want to fit in. I don't know where it all got
started, but I have noticed that many guys who have newly "come out"
and begin to socialize with other gay men suddenly begin to speak
this way, because so many of their friends do. Also, it is with this
speech pattern that gay men are shown in the media. Almost all gay
men on TV shows are shown as being very effeminate and interested in
cookery and interior design, etc. - a stereotype, in other words. One
that has maybe become a trend/habit?
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Iteki, 22, Irish lesbian female,
<dt_iteki@hotmail.com>,
Stockholm, Sweden
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO39: If attraction to the same sex is determined by genetics,
either entirely or substantially, then why is it that after hundreds
or thousands of generations, this genetic trait has not disappeared
from the genetic landscape? If homosexuals and lesbians, on average,
don't reproduce, why would this genetic trait still exist in the
human species?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Doug, whose brother is gay, CA
ANSWER 1:
I'm not gay but I have studied genetics. It is quite easy
for genes that carry detrimental effects (in terms of producing
offspring) to become established. Think of how many lethal genetic
diseases still exist. We have two alleles (one from each parent) for
virtually every gene, but only one is expressed. The one that is
expressed is called dominant, or if both are expressed, they are
co-dominant. The allele that is not expressed is called
recessive.
If a "gay" gene were recessive, it would be extremely easy to
spread in a population. Only when two of the "gay" alleles were
together would they be expressed, because a "straight" gene would
override it. There are also ways in which dominant "gay" alleles
could be relatively common, even if we did not take behavior into
consideration. For example, it may be a common mutation.
If we look at behavior, it is even easier to see how "gay" genes
may spread. In Western culture, some people who are gay try to
pretend to themselves and other people that they are not, and thus
often produce offspring.
I'm not sure there is convincing evidence for the "gay" gene yet.
And I do not think that all the answers to questions about our
behavior are in our genes.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Beth, Edinburgh, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE:
You need to understand how genetics works in order to
understand why homosexuals don't have to reproduce in order to remain
a part of the population. Your reasoning - that only a homosexual
could genetically produce a homosexual - isn't accurate, since
brown-eyed parents can produce a blue-eyed baby. If there is a gene
for homosexuality, it could be recessive, meaning it only shows up in
certain conditions, and could be "carried" by someone who is
heterosexual. Current research into a genetic "marker" for
homosexuality has found that this marker (if real) seems to be
carried only by women. While they can pass it to a son or daughter,
only the daughter can carry it to the next generation. Also, if a
gene exists, a parent would transfer it to all of his/her children -
some might be gay, some might just be carriers of the gene, but be
heterosexual, and pass the gene on to their children. If you really
want to understand how recessive/dominant genes work, and how traits
can be passed on even by those who don't have the trait, search the
web for a genetics primer - here's one that's a little complex, but
it's the best I could find:
http://www.gla.ac.uk/Acad/Dental/roliver/genetics.html.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Mark M., gay male, marknyc@hotmail.com, NY, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Doug: Many gays and lesbians reproduce. I am the proud
father of a beautiful teenage daughter and a handsome teenage son.
You seem to imply that if it is indeed a product of genetics,
homosexuality is an undesirable trait and that evolution should have
"fixed" the problem by now. Perhaps the problem lies not in the trait
of homosexuality but in the way many people preceive it. My advice:
Respect your brother for who he is, accept your brother for "all"
that he is and love him, period. Later in life, you will be glad that
you did.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Steve N.
<blaster7@hotmail.com>,
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Numerous proven genetic conditions continue to exist
without reproduction between those affected. Homosexuality is almost
certainly not as "simple" a genetic trait as, for example, sickle
cell anemia, but sickle cell anemia will demonstrate. As a recessive
genetic trait, it is "carried" in "normal" individuals (individuals
who don't have sickle cell anemia). When two carriers reproduce they
have a 25 percent chance of having a child with sickle cell anemia, a
50 percent chance of having a child who carries the trait, and a 25
percent chance of having a "normal" child. Also, chromosomal
abnormalities continue to exist (for example, Down's Syndrome)
despite the fact that affected individuals rarely reproduce.
POSTED JUNE 19,1998
Bobbie M. 37, lesbian
<bjmcnm@primary.net>,
St. Louis, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I'm a classical studies student with a research interest
in social issues in Roman society, particularly issues of gender and
sexuality. My thinking on the subject of sexuality tends to have an
anthropological bent - I firmly believe that, whatever biology or
genetics may contribute to an individual's sexual identity, gender
status and sexual orientation are a cultural construct. Basically,
each culture has a system of gender and sexuality that begins with
how the culture "reads" human biology (for example, cultural values
related to procreation, physical differences between the sexes, etc.)
and then attaches other values and norms (types of marriage,
oppression of women, etc.). An individual then develops a gender
identity and sexual identity in the context of the culture s/he is
born into. From this viewpoint, the 1800s represented an innovation
in Western constructions of sexuality with the emergence of the
"homosexual."
In the present, being gay means you don't have sexual relations
with the opposite sex or have children. (This is changing with the
growing and much-reported interest among gays and lesbians in having
families and with the growing understanding of bisexuality and the
sexual continuum and respect for bisexual individuals.) In the past,
however, and in Roman culture, in particular, the cultural
construction of gender/sexuality did not prohibit a "normal" male
(and to an indeterminate extent, a "normal" female) from having
sexual relations with others of the same sex, either before or after
marriage. Therefore, the phenomenon of homosexuals - or those who
might carry some sort of "gay gene" - not procreating is a relatively
recent phenomenon and/or expectation in Western culture. (And
certainly not a universal one, considering the number of individuals
who do not come out until later in life.)
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Brandon B., 22, gay and happily out
<bbolinge@comp.uark.edu>,
Fayetteville, AR
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I'm not an expert on genetics; however, being gay I have a
strong interest in why people (and more particularly myself) are gay.
I remember seeing studies on homosexuality in nature (animal
populations instead of human) suggesting that homosexuality may be a
natural response to the pressures of overpopulation. This would be
similar in some ways to the ability of some animals to change gender
in response to underpopulation.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Adam S., 28, gay male
<schmidt@care.org>,
Atlanta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Beyond the issue of how genetics works (which others have
addressed well) there is the issue of how evolution works. I think it
can be argued that in evolution it is not the individual who counts,
but the species. There may very well be a benefit to the species
associated with having a homosexual population. Is it possible
homosexuality is nature�s way of influencing human population through
lower birth rates, while still allowing those individuals the
relationships and human interactions that are so important to us? I
would really like to hear comment from the gay community on this
idea. As a straight male, the idea seems like a positive one with
respect to homosexuality, but I can�t know how it might be taken by
someone who is gay.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Gordon P., 31, straight
<gordon@albedodesign.com>,
Sunnyvale, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
As a sociologist who is also gay, I have always argued
that homosexuality is a combination of genetics and socialization.
While one may have a genetic predisposition to being gay, this may
never surface unless the socialization leaves open the possibility of
the person exploring that aspect. Many gays and lesbians (especially
older generations) were/are married and have children because they
were socialized that that was something that had to be done. Similar
to the flaws in the Kinsey reports, all research into a genetic
aspect of homosexuality that I have seen is problematic.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Richard K. 29, gay white male
<miss_moo@telusplanet.net>,
Edmonton, Alberta
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Homosexuality is nature's birth control for human beings.
Not all seeds of a flower become flowers.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Tim L., Baltimore, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
If expressing a repressive gay gene were a simple
mathematical statistic, such as expressing blue eyes, then 25 percent
of the population should be gay (and maybe it is). However, I believe
that why someone is gay is more complex than that. If being gay is a
result of some recessive gene plus a nurturing environment, then
wouldn't all offspring of gay parents be gay?
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Suzanne C., gay female, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
So many questions here at Y? revolve around the
issue of God making us heterosexual so we can reproduce, which is
basically the pseudo-scientific update of that blazingly intellectual
insight that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve (compelling
logic to some; I guess because it rhymes). As a gay man to whom "God"
apparently saw fit to "bless" with an incredibly high sperm count,
I've "procreated" (through sperm donation) prolifically. Now, does
that prove God really, really wants my queer genes out there?
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M.
<QTeacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I saw a fascinating article that said the percentage
likelihood of a man being gay went up as a direct relationship to
birth order, but only counting male children The more older brothers
a man has, the greater the likelihood he will be gay. Strange, but
apparently true. There was no such correllation involving the sisters
of gay men, nor for lesbians. It is certain that if sexual
orientation is genetic, it is far more complex than a simple
one-dominant-gene schema, the way brown eyes are supposed to be
dominant over blue eyes.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO38: Do lesbian couples in a relationship tend to be made up
of one party possessing female characteristics and one possessing
male characteristics, or is it of no consequence?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
R.Y.L., 65, white male, Panama City, FL
ANSWER 1:
Lesbians, like other women, possess female characteristics
(xx chromosomes, breasts, estrogen, vagina, etc.) I suspect, however,
that what you mean to ask is gender roles rather than sexual
characteristics. Lesbian couples vary as much or more in gender role
conformity as mixed-sex couples. While butch/femme couples are still
alive and well, they are by no means the predominant gender role
model within the lesbian community. In a same-sex relationship, women
are free to express themselves in whatever ways are most comfortable
and natural for them. How a woman looks, moves, thinks and behaves
can be fluid, changing from situation to situation. The same
flannel-shirted, tatooed woman you see out mowing the lawn and
changing the oil in her motorcycle today might be wearing heels,
makeup, and a three-piece business suit to work tomorrow. She may cry
at sad movies and send flowers for her partner's birthday. Her
partner, on the other hand, may cringe at the thought of shaving or
wearing nylons, yet love gourmet cooking, shopping and coaching their
child's softball team. Gender roles can be as meaningful or
meaningless as any couple chooses to make them.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Some lesbian couples seem to follow the pattern you
describe, but many do not. For instance, my partner and I joke that
it's her turn or my turn to "be the boy" when we have to do household
maintenance, take the car to the shop, etc. All lesbian couples I
know are geared toward maximizing each other's talents rather than
adhering to "straight" roles. If you're wondering about what goes on
in our bed, it's definitely two women involved, not one pretending to
be a man.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Chris M., Brunswick, ME
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO37: How do homosexuals meet, other than in "gay" bars? Is
there a certain look or something? Or do they just go up to a person
and flirt?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
C.B., 22, heterosexual female, Memphis, TN
ANSWER 1:
Flirting with strangers is a risky venture - one is apt to
get hurt. But flirting with strangers in a gay bar will improve the
odds that one's advances will be appreciated, though there's no
guarantee. However, gay people do more than just party at bars. We
meet at pride events, volunteer and service organizations,
professional associations and hobby clubs, through friends and
acquaintances, at work and school, even at the grocery and hardware
stores. Sometimes it is obvious when one is in the company of other
gay people, but more often the encounters are more subtle. Just like
heterosexuals, not everybody you meet is a potential partner. But
when two people possess a mutual interest in one another, they will
find a way to express it. Body language, the things that are said,
the plans that are made, a special sacrifice, a response in kind: All
of these can communicate the message. Having the shared experience of
being gay makes it easier to interpret the signals.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Rex T., 34, gay white male
<rex_tremende@hotmail.com>,
Cincinnati, OH
FURTHER NOTICE:
In the simplest terms, homosexuals meet other homosexuals
in the same social environments as most heterosexuals do: Bars,
parties, work, school, gyms, church, restaurants, discos, etc.
However, where possible, gays and lesbians may choose to gather in
venues that cater to them. In many cities and towns, there are places
described above that cater exclusively to gays and lesbians, allowing
them to meet in a more comfortable atmosphere without fear of
rejection, ridicule or harassment. Unfortunately, in some locales
where these venues do not exist and as a result of societal
repression, some homosexuals resort to less desirable public venues
to meet such as parks, restrooms, etc. This is a minority of
homosexuals. The most important concept for anyone to grasp and
understand is that homosexuals (like heterosexuals) are not
homogenous. They do not all look alike, behave alike, dress alike,
socialize together, remain single, have similar sexual desires, work
in similar professions, etc.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Robbie, 30, gay male, Miami Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are several way homosexuals meet, the most common is
by introduction of other homosexual friends. In addition there are
numerous chat rooms, on line services, phone services and
classifieds, on line, traditional newspapers, and gay papers.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
Tim, florida99@hotmail.com, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think a homosexual person flirts in much the same way a
heterosexual person flirts. If I find someone attractive, I may
strike up a conversation or pay more attention than usual to that
person in a "subtle" way - just like someone who is straight. Maybe
they will turn out to be gay and maybe not (I certainly don't "jump
on them" to find out). Incidentally, just because you are straight
and meet someone of the opposite sex somewhere other than in a gay
bar doesn't mean you can assume anything, either.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
D.M., 35, lesbian, Tallahassee, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Going up to someone and just flirting is something usually
associated with flamboyant people. But that also depends on the
person, or where you are. I met my partner at his house through
mutual friends. There was no flirting involved. There were no strange
looks or unusual glares. We became the best of friends over a long
period of time. Most homosexuals have what most people call "gaydar,"
which is the ability to recognize another of the same preference. But
sometimes you can't always tell by just a look. It may be through
conversation or social events that something may be said or done to
imply certain preferences. My partner had no idea if I was gay or
straight until we were introduced to each other as being gay. I don't
think we would have met in a bar, but I am thankful we met the way we
did. We have been happy together for eight years.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
C. Campbell; 28, black, Blaster7@hotmail.com, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a 20-year-old lesbian, and I met my girlfriend
through a friend. We meet people the same way heterosexuals do. If a
homosexual is open and honest with themselves, they will encounter
other gay people and become friends. As a result, they will meet
people at parties, at work, at school and at clubs and bars. It is
just as easy to find a gay lover as it is to find a heterosexual
lover.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
Marci, 20, Wichita, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
It might sound silly, but we have something we call
"gaydar." It's probably unconscious, but gay people have a way of
letting others know they are gay. Straight people who hang around gay
people for a very long time pick up on it, too. I was in a rock band
with all straight guys who, after we'd known each other for a while,
could "pick 'em" out faster than I could. So, you don't have to be
gay to have gaydar, you just have to be aware and cool.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Steve S., 44, gay, steve@bonusround.com, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Part of my decision to accept a job offer in the Detroit
area was knowing it has a large, organized gay-lesbian-bi-transgender
community. I had no intention of living anywhere I would need to be
closeted. In the Detroit area, there is a gay-lesbian-bi-transgender
community center, lesbian and gay bookstores, monthly Detroit Women's
Coffeehouse, monthly Women Together potlucks, lesbian softball teams
and golf league, gay-lesbian-bi-transgender bowling leagues, swim
teams, bike riding, runners, lesbian dances, gay and lesbian employee
groups, homeowner associations, film festivals, yearly PrideFest,
etc. And of course, proximity to the Michigan Women's Music Festival,
the largest yearly lesbian festival in the world, as well as lesbian
campgrounds, the yearly Lansing Pride March, etc.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
DykeOnByke, single lesbian, DykeOnByke@aol.com, Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I find it to be very difficult. I have often been told by
people who find out I am gay (sometimes after years of knowing me)
that they would never have known if I did not tell them. Since
expressing your feelings to another man leaves you open to assault if
you are gay, bars are, unfortunately, the most likely place to meet
other gay men. I think this leads greatly to the perception of the
lifestyle.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
M.H., gay male, 28, noodles37@hotmail.com, Virginia Beach, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
There is a publication titled Gay Yellow Pages. You
can get the edition for your region of the country. It lists the
states and then the cities. Listed are bars, restaurants and other
gay organizations.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Don D., Americus, GA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO36: Something puzzles me about a lesbian friend of mine, her
lover and their friends: A great majority of them do not wear bras.
Why is this?
POSTED MAY 23, 1998
Curious straight male, Mt. Clemens, MI
ANSWER 1:
Although I wear a bra because I find not wearing one
uncomfortable, I know many women, including my partner, who find bras
uncomfortable. Lesbians, in general, tend not to pay as much
attention to societal expectations of how we should dress as most
straight women do. This is not necessarily true for all lesbians, but
I think it is true for a large number. I think the reason for this is
cultural. Our culture tends to expect women to dress for the primary
purpose of pleasing men. Straight women are much more apt than
lesbians to care whetherr they appear attractive to men. Because most
lesbians don't make a priority of looking attractive to men, they
dress in a way that is more comfortable, or more suitable, to their
own personal style, which in many cases means not wearing a bra.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian,
<lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>,
Los Angeles, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO35: Why don't Christians who use Leviticus 20:13 to justify
their belief that homosexuality is a sin not advocate the death
penalty for active gays, as that Bible passage commands?
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
David O., 31, gay, agnostic, Nashville, TN
ANSWER 1:
I am a Christian heterosexual male who has a "live and let
live" attitude, i.e., I'm not a pulpit pounder and don't get in other
peoples' faces about my religion. Some people who call themselves
Christians use ambiguities in the Bible to alienate people they don't
like. I recently saw a group of protestors on the local news with
"God hates fags" signs. What ever happened to "love thy
neighbor"?
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Mark, 23, Christian heterosexual male, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
A lot of Christians lack a real understanding of the Bible
and enjoy quoting scriptures that back up what they already believe.
Lots of people say they follow the 10 Commandments, but I bet no one
in America can say they "observe the Sabbath day (Saturday) by
keeping it holy" and not working (Commandment 4, Deuteronomy 5:12). I
don't think anyone can reasonably argue that Christians must follow
the laws of the Old Testament but can decide which ones we think we
should follow. Christians attack gays so much because most of us
aren't tempted by that sin, and therefore it's easy to criticize
others who are. I think this needs to change, but I also think that
Biblically, practicing homosexuality is a sin and should be looked at
in the same light as any other sin - as something God wants to help
us stop doing.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Scott H., Christian, 19, Irving, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In the Bible, people are encouraged not to judge others.
Also, I think people don't think of murdering others for their sexual
practices as too practical. In the Bible, it says not to kill people,
and who wants to go around judging and killing all the time? OK, some
people, do but that is not all Christians. Lastly, let us not forget
that Jesus spoke of love and forgiveness. Personally, I don't care
who is having sex with whom, as long as I am not having sex with a
person and they are having sex with someone else and I don't know
they are. It also says in the Bible to love your neighbor as
yourself. If I love you enough and sincerely, I cannot judge you, and
I certainly could not decide if you should live or die. I think all
that stuff is up to God. Most people just want to be happy and live
their own lives. That is what I want for myself and everyone around
me: Some peace of mind and joy.
POSTED MAY 23, 1998
Carmela, 29, straight black
<pecola@hotmail.com>,
Atlanta, Ga
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Another question comes to mind: Have most Christians read
the entire book of Leviticus? I believe they would find a lot of very
out-of-date restrictions and instructions (e.g., sacrificing of
animals) that would be impossible to practice or enforce in today's
world. So if we can't follow all of Leviticus, it's wrong to pull one
verse out and use it against others. If homosexuality is a sin in
God's eyes, it's up to God to deal with gay people just as he deals
with the rest of us when we sin. It's not up to us to judge
others.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
Sara S., Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am a church-going Christian and perhaps have a belief
not many others have or will admit to. I strongly feel that when the
Bible was written and translated time and time again, certain
prejudices "mysteriously" found their way in. The God I believe in
does not hate - He loves. I do not believe God thinks homosexuality
is a sin. We are His children and He loves us all. The only thing God
asks of us is that we believe in Him and love one another. Is that
not what all Christians are taught?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
Shari D.,27, Canton, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Maybe one should pay more attention to the New Testament
than the Old Testament, for the Old tells you about life among
followers of God and the New tells you how you should love and live
according to Christ. You can't do better than that.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Robert H., flash2@sunet.net, Vero Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I have just read the Bible verse referenced and don't
understand how this question can be derived from that verse. Help me
to see how the question originated with Bible verse.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Walter J., 53, black Christian, Edmond, OK
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
David, I believe homosexuality is a sin; however, I
believe what Jesus said at the stoning of the adultress, which
basically was "Love the sinner but hate the sin." I do not like it
when anyone sins, but I try very hard to remember they are a child of
God and just as deserving of love as I am. I would prefer no one sin,
but if they do, I will pray for them, no matter what their sin. I do
not agree with the public displays that many "Christians" do - that
is not what my God said to do. I will "Love one another as He Loves
me," but I do not have to agree with what they are doing.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
Susan, MOM1977@aol.com, Kansas City, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Many Christians do not understand that most of the laws
laid down in Leviticus were given to the Jews as what they needed to
do for ritual purity and/or to set them apart from others (i.e. the
story behind the Good Samaritan, in the New Testament, was that while
the Jews who passed by the beaten man were ritualistically pure, they
failed to have the love of God in their hearts, as did the unclean
Samaritan, and so had failed). As a Christian, I can tell you that
you can prove just about any point you want with the Bible. That is
why many modern theologians such as Peter Gnomes of Harvard remind us
that we must read it with a heart that is listening to God.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Amy C., 45
<aamylf@aol.com>, Sarasota,
FL
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Many Christian communities understand the law as God's
creation, intended to lead people into an understanding of how
behavior affects relationships (especially those with God, but also
among ourselves). Among these communities, many believe the New
Covenant "restates" those strictures, which are to still have force
for the Christian communities that arose out of the New Covenant (New
Testament). The first chapter of Romans addresses behaviors that
offend God. Some scholars feel that if this passage can be determined
to be merely another Pauline response to a localized situation, then
it may not have universal application among all believers. In
addition, most Christian communities that believe this passage
restates the original stricture do not believe homosexuality to be
any more sinful than any other sin. They usually believe God has
forgiven sin through Christ's death on the cross and gives the power
to resist sin through his resurrection. Because of this, they are
usually accepting of any sinner who repents.
Exactly why have different Christian communities adopted different
approaches to the Old Testament? This issue is currently being
addressed in many venues today. Further study can be pursued at
www.sbl-site.org/ for starters. It is my belief that much of the
debate about homosexuality, regardless of one's stance on the issue,
results from fear rather than understanding. I believe God works the
plan of salvation through the cracked earthen vessels of humanity. I
also believe the Holy Spirit works diligently to remake those who
accept the Lordship of Christ into the image of Christ.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Sandy D.
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
And why these Christians drag kids who curse their parents
to the gates of town and stone them to death? Or hold slaves? Or any
of a million silly, hateful practices you can pull from the Bible?
Because they are "Cafeteria Christians" who go through the book
(figuratively, since very few of them have read it) and say "Oh, I'll
believe this and this, but not that, and -oh, that looks good, gimme
lots of that." They don't hate queers because the Bible told them
so; they hate queers and use the Bible to back up their
prejudices. "Hate the sin not the sinner" is nonsense. I've mostly
heard it from really hateful people.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M.
<QTeacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
So many of our learned Christians seem to have forgotten
that Christ, per their belief, was crucified because he had taken on
the burden of our "sins" (behaviors). According to their dogma, He
has taken away the sins of the world and we are cleansed by His shed
blood. To me, this message is "judge not, lest ye be judged." Only
God will assess our actions, but because of the intercession of
Christ crucified, all will be forgiven. To my Christian friends I
would like to say: "Please,open your hearts, clear your minds. Christ
associated with all types of rifraff, and the only thing he gave to
them was the message that they were loved, that they had an integral
part in the overall plan of the universe and that not one of them was
unimportant."
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
G. Eldridge, gay male
<Hauteman@AOL.com>,
NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
To Scott H.: I do not understand how you can say that no
one in America abides by the Fourth Commandment (observing of the
seventh-day Sabbath). As a Seventh-Day Adventist, I observe the
Sabbath (sunset Friday to sunset Saturday) as the Creator instructed.
Other denominations that developed in America observe this
commandment as well; Seventh-Day Baptists, for example. Jewish people
also live in America and observe the Sabbath.
You should worry more about your keeping of the commandments. I
have found that it is hard in today's society to be as accepting of
the diversity of beliefs when we are taught one set way. In my
religious experiences, I have found that it is easy to judge,
although God has assumed that responsibility Himself. He says "judge
not, lest ye be judged," so I try to follow that. In the Genesis in
the Old Testament, God destroyed the sities of Sodom and Gommorah for
their sinful and wicked ways. It is stated that homosexuals lived in
the cities and were trying to persuade Lot to let them have sex with
the angels that were being housed by Lot's famiily. I do not feel
that homosexuality is the intended plan for humans. Although I feel
this way, I am not going to condemn a person based on his/her sexual
preference. As a matter of fact, I have many close friends who are
homosexuals. Judging and condemning is not my job. I am glad God
takes care of that.
POSTED JAN. 18, 1999
Krystal R., 18, heterosexual female, Seventh-Day Adventist,
<rubytuesday_2@hotmail.com>,
Surfside Beach, SC
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO34: In the area where I live, it seems a lot of gay black
men adopt new names for themselves among other gay men. My lover is
black but has not changed his name, yet the practice of changing
one's name does not phase him. Is this a regional or cultural
practice? And what is the reasoning behind it?
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Steve N., gay male
<blaster7@hotmail.com>,
Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO33: I am openly lesbian and have always been open to
answering the "let-me-ask-you-a-dumb-question" questions from
straight people. But so much of the fixation is on the
sexual/physical aspect. Why is this?
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Lesbian
ANSWER 1:
What else is there that differs in a homosexual
relationship apart from the physical? I don't mean to sound flippant,
but I consider the meeting of minds to be the same whatever the sexes
involved.
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Beth, Edinburgh, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE:
To Beth: I have also long wondered why questions on "the
gay experience" from straight acquaintances are so focused on sex.
There are other things I would assume are of potential interest, such
as "What was it like coming out to your family?" or "What sorts of
negative reactions have you experienced?" The questions I am asked
are almost entirely about sex, and this puzzles me.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Brian V., 25, queer male, Vancouver, BC, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Brian: I have gay friends (male and female) and I'm
ashamed to say that those sorts of questions have never occurred to
me. If they had, I'm not sure I would have asked anyway, because, for
example, it might sound as though I'm implying there should be
a negative reaction if I ask if they have received one. I wouldn't
ask about the family, either, because it may be (as with one friend
of mine) that they are having an extremely bad time with their
family, and at a party or something you don't want to upset people. I
don't generally ask about my friends' intimate sex details,
anyway.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Beth, Edinburgh, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It always perplexes me that straight people focus so much
on the sexual. I think it's because that is what they perceive as the
only difference. They simply don't realize how being lesbian or gay
changes everything. Until (and perhaps even when) there is 100
percent cceptance, being gay or lesbian will be an inherently
different experience for us. We walk down the street and see straight
couples holding hands, and remember that we are different. We see all
the fuss over weddings and births and remember that we are different.
We see our dearly loved partner sidelined at family events and
remember we are different.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Chris M., Brunswick, ME
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I haven't noticed an abundance of questions about my sex
life. What still fascinates me are the simple questions like "When
did you realize you were gay?" or "What is it like to be gay?" It's
like asking me "When did you learn to tie your shoes?" or "What is it
like to have brown hair?" I mean, my orientation is just another part
of me, like my gender or my choice of clothes, and it feels so weird
when people are so curious about something that is no big deal to me
at all.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
F. Mann, 23, gay male, Asheville, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I found myself asking a lot of these "stupid" questions of
a lesbian co-worker of mine. To answer your question honestly, I
(like many other men) have always had fantasies of two women having
sex with each other, whether I was involved or not. Therefore I was
curious about things that "turned me on." I don't know how general
this is, but at least it's my answer.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Willie, 22, straight male,
<willie_wallace@hotmail.com>,
MI
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I'm gay, and I have to admit I'm kind of baffled by your
question. Aside from the sexual/physical aspects, what other real
differences are there between gays and straights? What kinds of
questions would you expect them to ask? Please, don't say politics or
Queer Consciousness. That's all very easy to understand, no matter
how you feel about it. My straight buddies ask me questions about gay
sex, and I ask them questions about straight sex, because we don't
know much about it and we're curious. The rest of our lives are
really incredibly similar, so we don't ask questions about that
stuff. It's the differences that are interesting.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Will H., 32, gay male
<whuer@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I'm a straight guy. I don't know what other questions you
want straight people to ask, but I guess it's about personal stuff. I
don't have gay friends but I have a zillion questions about what it
feels like, how you do it, stuff like that. It all sounds so
different. But if I met a gay guy I would never ask a question like
how did it feel to be rejected by your family. For the same reason I
don't ask my straight buddy how it felt to get divorced. It'd hurt to
remember. Plus it's not such a big mystery; I can kind of see what it
might be like (really awful, end of story). On the other hand, sex is
different, and I have no clue how it would work between two guys and
still be fun. Sex is personal too, but it's kind of neutral and
people usually have fun talking about it.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Pete, Mattituck, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Straight people ask more about sex because the other
aspects of being gay are easier to understand. I find that straight
people are really pretty good at getting a rough idea (at least
abstractly) of what it is like to be sidelined by society, feel
rejected by your family or hide a "shameful secret." No straight
friend has ever told me, "I don't understand how coming out to your
parents could be difficult." They get it. They may not have been
persecuted as we have, but they have seen homophobia happen and
perhaps even participated in it. What they don't get is what it would
feel like to have anal intercourse with a man. Also, straights avoid
some questions because they do not feel like asking you to relive
painful memories. I would never ask a straight friend, "How did it
feel when your wife died of cancer?" but I would ask him how it felt
to have sex with a beautiful woman. That's because I can imagine what
it would be like to lose a loved one, but sex with a woman is
something alien to me. Plus, it sounds like a generally positive and
humorous subject to ask a friend about, as opposed to a sad and
painful one.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Tim C., 33, gay male
<tcran@hotmail.com> NY,
NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO32: Growing up, my mother taught me there was nothing in the
Bible that made any reference to homosexuals or homosexual activity,
and that when intolerant people said Jesus or God believed
homosexuality to be a sin they were mistaken. However, someone
recently showed me passages from Corinthians 6 and Romans in which it
is mentioned as sinful. I do not know what version of the Bible it
was, but I would appreciate it if someone with a theology background
could address this.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Barbi, 33, white, straight, Oxford, MI
ANSWER 1:
The passage you ask about in Romans is the 1 chapter verse
9 and on. It mentions that God changed a group of people's nature
from straight to what appears to be gay tendencies. The mistake lies
in understanding what was the "sin" and what was the "punishment."
These people who at one time worshipped the true God began
worshipping idols or "creation more than the Creator." As a
discipline measure, God changed their "affections." As a gay man who
attended seminary and pastored for several years, I believe that if I
suddenly "became" straight, then maybe you should ask if I had
started worshipping false gods, because that would be an appropriate
punishment based on the Romans passage. Although I do not agree with
a lot of gay ministers who try to find positive gay role models in
every passage they read, I also do not agree with straight ministers
using the Bible to condemn every gay/lesbian person to Hell.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Steve N. 40, gay
<blaster7@hotmail.com>,
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Several places in the Bible make it apparent that
homosexuality is a sin. In Genesis, the homosexual desires of the men
of Sodom were called "wicked." God soon after destroyed Sodom and
Gomorrah for their wickedness. In Old Testament law, death was
demanded for those who committed homosexual acts. It was there called
an abomination to God. The references you gave also show
homosexuality to be a sin, calling it a "vile affection" in Romans 1.
For reference, my theology background includes time as a church
deacon, Sunday school and Sunday evening Bible study teacher.
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Marty M., 31, straight, Stow, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It does seem clear that there are a few (very few)
anti-gay passages in the Bible. But some of the most famous aren't
anti-gay at all. The sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was not homosexuality
- it was inadequate hospitality. And in Leviticus, those against gays
harp on the verses about homosexual relations but ignore a few verses
down that state you'll burn in hell if you eat shellfish or wear a
red dress. Also, some of the passages have strong cultural relevance.
For example, ritual homosexuality was a practice of neighboring
religions, so the Hebrew scriptures wanted to make it clear you
shouldn't be like those heathens over the hill. Read the stuff and
learn the historical context - don't take people's word for it. I
consider myself lucky: I'm neither a Jew nor Christian, and I don't
care what their scripture says about me.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Will H., 48, Euro-American, gay, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Interpreting the Bible is hard. The question of what the
sins of those in Sodom were has already been mentioned, and the
question of just what an "abomination" - what Leviticus calls "man
lying with man as with woman" - means is not an easy one. An
interesting recent book on these topics is The Good Book by
Peter Gomes (sp?), who is a gay black male and the offical Preacher
at Harvard.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Brian V., 25, queer male atheist, Vancouver, BC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First of all, the books of the Bible weren't written in
English, but ancient languages that must be interpreted. One of these
languages had neither punctuation nor spaces between words. This
makes it difficult for interpreters to find the exact concept for the
right word in English. Second, the word "homosexual" wasn't coined
until the late 1800s, so any word translated as such isn't accurate.
Third, and most important, what was labeled "homosexuality" in the
Bible does not reflect what we know as homosexuality today. What the
Bible condemned as "homosexuality" was in reality: 1) Pagan fertility
rites in temples using male prostitutes, 2) Social taboos toward men
who defied the rigid gender roles of the time (women were less than
animals back then, so the male who was passive was perceived as
acting as a woman, thus violating a taboo), and 3) Male seed in these
times was to be used for increasing tribal populations for future
wars. Spilling male seed in acts other than with women was banned
because of this.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Marlene, 38, transsexual lesbian
<marleneb@wcnet.org>,
N. Baltimore, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As someone with an anti-gay minister in the family, I have
read the passages regarding homosexuality. At first I thought I could
prove my relative was mistaken, but it really is true. The Bible
contains strong condemnations of homosexuality. Though many gay
people and some Christians say the Bible is really talking about
"other things" such as prostitution or poor hospitality, I think they
are kidding themselves. I can see how this is a big problem for
Christians who strongly believe in the Bible - it's a very strong
message. I don't believe the entire Bible is the literal word of God,
so it's never been a big issue for me.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Tim C., NY, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO31: Gays and lesbians seem to talk about their sexual
orientation a lot. Why is this? Heterosexuals don't talk a lot to
everybody about their being heterosexual.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
W., white female, MI
ANSWER 1:
We heterosexuals talk about our sexual orientation and
sexuality all the time; it just goes unnoticed, as we're supposed to
be the "normal" ones. And we don't have the unenviable task of having
to convince the rest of society that we aren't sexual deviants who
need to be watched. Anyone who, wears a wedding ring, has a picture
of their Significant Other on their desk, holds hands in public or
mentions that they took their girlfriend to a movie is talking about
their sexual orientation. When we straights witness other straights
do these things, nobody says anything. But if gays exhibit the same
behavior, they are accused of "flaunting it."
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
Jay B.
<jayboyd@ameritech.net>,
Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Most gays and lesbians don't talk about sexual orientation
a lot. Many closeted gay-lesbian-bisexual folks never mention it at
all for fear of outing themselves. Those gays and lesbians who do
frequently discuss sexual orientation openly are possibly doing
either of the following: 1) They recently came out and are excited to
share a part of themselves that they have hidden for so long; 2) They
are trying to dispel myths and stereotypes about gays and lesbians
and educate their heterosexual peers, some of whom may not realize
they know any gay people without being specifically informed
otherwise.
However, those unaccustomed or uncomfortable associating with out
gay people may perceive any mention of their sexual orientation as
"flaunting." A double standard exists: Ordinary behavior such as
holding hands, a kiss on TV or attending a company function as a
couple, which is acceptable heterosexual behavior, is perceived as
blatant when done by gays or lesbians.
Black lesbian poet Pat Parker wrote a great poem on this subject
called For The Straight Folks Who Don't Mind Gays But Wish They
Weren't So Blatant.
(Director's Note: The final verse follows:)
Fact is, blatant heterosexuals
are all over the place.
Supermarkets, movies, on your job,
in church, in books, on televisions
everyday and night, every place -
even in gay bars,
& they want gay men and women
to go hide in the closets -
So to you straight folks
I say - Sure, I'll go
if you go too,
but I'm polite -
so - after you.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
DykeOnByke, blatant lesbian
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Heterosexuals talk about their sexuality a lot. I don't
think a day goes by that I don't hear about some man's wife or some
woman's husband. We see heterosexual icons all over the place; look
at any commercial, advertisement, billboard, etc., and you'll see
only straight people on those billboards. Sure, occasionally you'll
see a gay billboard or advertisement, but those are extremely rare.
The problem is that the general population isn't accustomed to seeing
or hearing about gay people, and when it does, it really sticks
out.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Andrew V., 32, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don't talk very much about my sexual orientation to my
straight friends. They know me and my lover, and will occasionally
ask questions. But we do turn heads often because in certain parts of
town (the safe areas) we hold hands, at times put our arms around
each other's waist when walking, and when eating out always hold
hands when we say "grace" over our meal. One peculiar thing I've
noticed is that when we buy groceries, even out of town, the cashier
always hands my lover the change, even if I paid the bill. I
appreciate this small behavior and attribute it to the fact that
other gays and lesbians have been so outspoken about their life that
the rest of society is beginning to accept us as "real" people. So
thanks to all of you outspoken lesbians and gays.
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Steve N., 40, gay
<blaster7@hotmail.com>,
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Being bisexual, it is my belief that gay people talk so
much about being gay because they are forced by circumstance to do
so. You have to understand: Being a member of a persecuted minority,
marginalized at best, despised at worst, forces one into a defensive
mode. As much as you would like others to see you as simply "human,"
you are often forced to account for your lifestyle and placate the
prejudices of others. Gay people are so accustomed to doing this that
it becomes a reflex, and they end up obsessing over their "gayness"
in a way some straight people would consider excessive.
In reality, I have yet to encounter a gay person who thinks his
"gayness" completely defines who he is (despite the highly charged
rhetoric of certain factions in the gay-rights movement). And, if it
needs to be said, there exist among homosexuals as many grades of
personality and character as there are among the populace as a whole;
there are some you like and some that you don't. Simply knowing that
someone is gay isn't compelling information and doesn't convey the
most essential facts about that person and who he is.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Imani E., bisexual, African American
<kelashamba@hotmail.com>,
Austin, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP