Sexual
Orientation
Questions 61-70
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THE
QUESTION:
SO70: As a child, I was a frequent victim of "gay bashing" at
the hands of other children of the same or a slightly older age. I
was not merely accused of being gay; it was accepted by my peers as a
fact. It affected me severely, and now, as an adult, I stutter and
live a celibate life without female companionship of any kind. Here
is the kicker: I am straight, and the boys who most tortured me in
childhood are now almost all living openly homosexual lives. One is
even a drag queen. Why would some homosexuals beat up on other
homosexuals?
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Bryan, 31, straight white male, Canada
ANSWER 1:
For the same reason straights do: To "prove" they're not
gay and thus avoid getting harassed themselves. Some of the most
violent gay-bashers have been closeted gays whose actions are
motivated by self-hatred. Of course, the majority of gay-bashers are
straight, but their actions may still be motivated by a fear that
they would have their own sexuality questioned; hence the term
"homophobe" was coined. Of more concern is the impression in your
post that you feel this adolescent taunting has permanently damaged
your own hope for a healthy sexuality. As I know of many gay men,
myself included, who underwent terrible abuse during our teenage
years, I can assure you it is possible to heal and move on. Don't
give up and don't continue to empower those who abused you - this is
a lesson all gay men, and all oppressed peoples, have had to
learn.
POSTED SEPT. 2, 1998
Mark M., 42, gay male,
<marknyc@hotmail.com>,
NY, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a child, I was harassed a lot in school and by my
neighborhood peers, too. I don't know the sexual orientation of my
tormentors today, but I was assured by one of my teachers that they
were merely covering for their own insecurities over their own
identities. This was but a small comfort. The teasing still hurt.
Kids of all stripes are cruel, I think.
I was fortunate to have supportive adults in my life (though they
were not my parents) who helped me learn to be comfortable in my own
skin. They taught me that the only person I had to measure up to was
myself, how to set my standards high and how to achieve those
standards. Were it not for them, I doubt I would have made it out of
adolescence at all.
POSTED SEPT. 2, 1998
Rex T., 35,
<rex_tremende@hotmail.com>,
Cincinnati, OH
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO69: What do most straight people really think when you hear
or read about gay people attempting to advance our civil rights -
including reducing stereotypes and discrimination, passing
legislation that protects gay people from discrimination in
employment, etc.?
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Palmer, 30, gay male,
<sammas99@hotmail.com>,
Central, GA
ANSWER 1:
I do not have any problems with the concept of "gay
rights" (I put it in quotes because it is a movement). It would seem
obvious to me that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of
the law, government, etc. However, there are times when I think the
methods used to gain/retain those rights are misguided. For example,
the head writer for Ellen recently stated that anyone who did
not think the sitcom was the "best-written show in television
history" must be a homophobe. As someone who does not watch sitcoms,
I thought that was an ignorant and damaging statement. Was that
supposed to advance gay rights? If so, I imagine it did more to hurt
than help. Of course, the issue is far more complicated than that.
Many object to gay rights because they believe gays and lesbians are
lobbying for rights they already possess, or ask for more than they
should reasonably expect. An example is the recent movement to have
employers extend health benefits to the partners of gay/lesbian
employees. One could argue that no employer would ever be asked to
extend benefits to a striaght employee's live-in girlfriend or
boyfriend or fiance, so why should it be different for gays/lesbians?
As I said, "gay rights" is a simple concept, but it is very difficult
to make the concept into reality.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
John K., 25, straight Irish-American male, 25
<the-macs@geocities.com>,
Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE:
When I hear about that, I think it just makes sense, and I
wonder how anyone could justify opposing it. But that's the nature of
bigotry, I guess - fundamentally nonsensical.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Andrew, 34, straight
<ziptron@hotmail.com>,
Huntington, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Thank you for asking. A real attempt to understand. I
don't think much about the activities you describe. When they are
conducted in the legislative arena (at whatever level), I generally
applaud those who take the time and trouble to organize themselves
and work within the system to get something accomplished. I do my
best to understand the issues from the gay point of view. When they
are conducted in the social arena, I am not uncomfortable and again,
attempt to see things from the other side. When they are accompanied
by confrontational tactics, however, I find myself turned off. I know
there are those who might argue that with some folks, confrontation
is the only thing that will work. I just don't buy that. I must admit
that my viewpoint is colored by the fact that I live in a heavily gay
part of my city and have long had many gay friends and neighbors.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
John, 48, straight white guy
<voiceman@electrotex.com>,
Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO68: As both a transsexual and a lesbian, I have a hard time
with the gay and lesbian community at large, which fails to
acknowledge transsexuals can also be as queer as they are. Why can't
gays and lesbians accept us for who we are - their gay and lesbian
brothers and sisters?
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Marlene, 38, out and proud transsexual lesbian
<marleneb@wcnet.org>,
N. Baltimore, OH
ANSWER 1:
As a 41-year old gay man, I remember the discrimination
against drag queens that ran rampant in the gay male community. Many
gay men are particularly insecurie about their masculinity, and feel
they have to attack those who "cross over" in role. And while it
isn't as bad as it used to be, many in the lesbian community are
insecure about anything male-associated, which includes women who
have sex with men and women who used to be men. It's almost a
"loyalty oath" mentality, as in the notion that lesbian female
transexuals are predatory straight men who got a sex change so they
could hit on "real" lesbian women. It's ridiculous, but there it
is.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Josh G. gay-identified bisexual man
<joshuag@slip.net>, San
Francisco, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO67: I am a mother ot two and love my husband very much and
enjoy sex with him, but I find myself attracted to women. Has anyone
ever acted on these kinds of feelings, and what has been the
result?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
L.E., Georgetown, IL
ANSWER 1:
I am a gay male who was married to a woman for 12 years
when I decided to act on my feelings of homosexuality. I have four
children and my now ex-wife and I still talk, but it changed our
relationship forever. I guess I would have to say I am not sorry I
came out; as a matter of fact I am finally happy. I always knew I was
gay, but my question to you is "Are you just curious or are you gay?"
Not an easy answer, and finding out can change your life forever.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
David , 33, Euro-American
<GayDadwgr@aol.com>,
Detriot, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a heterosexual female. Before I met and married my
husband, I found myself attracted to a female as well. I think women
have beautiful bodies. The curves and shapes are truly a work of art.
I had a brief encounter with this woman. It was an experience, but, I
will say this, I didn't find it nearly as satisfying as my
relationship with my husband. I love men and men's bodies. God did a
marvelous thing when he created two types of bodies that fit so
perfectly. Enjoy your appreciation of the female anatomy. Enjoy your
husband. But you are in a marriage commitment, and I believe that is
your primary concern. Don't do anything that will jeopardize your
family. You must think about the repercussions of your actions should
you decide to act on these feelings and/or fantasies. Are you willing
to lose everything you have for this?
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
A., straight female, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If you have always been homosexual, and got married only
in an attempt to deny that fact or escape from it, you may be
entitled to sympathy. If you never loved your husband and never had
any sexual desire for him, it's possible that leaving him is the
right thing to do. However, since you say you love your husband and
enjoy sex with him, you are not entitled to special rights or special
sympathy just because the person you're attracted to is a woman. A
heterosexual male who says, "I love my wife and I like sex with her,
but I just noticed this woman down the road, and I'm experiencing
lust for her" would not be met with sympathy and compassion. He'd be
told: "Look, mister, you took a vow before God to be faithful to your
wife. Your current desires are irrelevant." And I say the same thing
to any bisexual married person. You have no more right to cheat with
a member of your own sex than you would with a member of the opposite
sex.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Astorian, straight male, 37
<Astorian@aol.com>,
Austin, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am in a 10-year relationship with a woman but have sex
with other men and women too. I found out monogamy does not work for
me, and I'd rather not be in a relationship than be forced into a
monogamous one. However, that may not work for you. If your
attraction to women is strong enough, you'd act on it sooner or
later. You need to think about how to handle this. It'd be best if
you could talk to your husband about this. It's never good to ruin a
good relationship if it can be avoided.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Josh G., gay-identified bisexual man
<joshuag@slip.net>, San
Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
You may have other options besides denying your feelings.
I don't know any man who hasn't fantasized about the Menage a Trois.
Perhaps you should find out your husband's feelings on the subject.
He may be eager to explore this facet of your sexuality with you. The
personal ads are full of ads from bi-curious couples and individuals.
It is not at all uncommon these days, and it would allow you to get
in touch with those feelings that will only get stronger if they are
repressed.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Ian B., Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO66: I would like to know if there is more racism in the gay
community than in society in general. I live in San Francisco, and
whenever I drive through the Castro, it looks like 99.9 percent of
the gay men are white. Gays of color tell me they will not go there
based on discriminatory treatment received. There is one black bar,
and gay Hispanics have their bars in other parts of town. Does "the
gay community" really mean for gay and white men only?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
M. White, black
<Sfa2z@aol.com>, San
Francisco, CA
ANSWER 1:
Here in Dallas it appears to me, a white gay male, that
there is more of a separation between Hispanic and white gay males
than between black and white gay males. My husband and I don't go out
on any kind of regular basis, but when we do we go to a bar that has
a 90 percent white crowd, with the other 10 percent being of other
nationalities. I'm pretty sure the bar does little to ask for a
particular nationality since it's one of many bars owned by the same
corporation that makes big bucks on anyone who walks in the front
door. I think San Francisco might be different.
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Steve, 46, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am African American and live in the Castro. I have not
experienced racism from my neighbors or from the neighborhood
shopkeepers, but I have experienced it from some men in some of the
bars. The neighborhood in general is friendly, quiet and relaxing.
It's a joy to live here. It's empowering to share a home with my my
partner and be able to enjoy the restaurants and cafes and other
gay-oriented outlets here. The Castro is about being gay, whatever
color you are. Because the Castro is considered "ground zero" for gay
people all around the world, hundreds of tourists flock to the Castro
every day and night. I believe most of the men in the bars here don't
actually live in the neighborhood, or in San Francisco, for that
matter. There are bars with a better mix of people (all in other
neighborhoods) and there are predominantly gay black male bars in
Oakland. I would conclude that most bars in this neighborhood simply
don't appeal to black men. Like me, most of my black friends prefer
dance clubs rather than bars, and all of the dance clubs are in
SoMa.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Tony W., 36 gay black male
<tonyway@yahoo.com>, San
Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Recent census data show the Castro to be about 80 to 85
percent white, whereas San Francisco as a whole is barely 50 percent
white. Gay publications seem to have primarily white models in their
cover and article illustrations and in advertisements. Many gay
events - the Castro Street Fair, Pride parade, etc. - seem to attract
primarily white participants and spectators. As a white person who
dates only Asian men, I am especially sensitive to this. In my gay
sport activities I have never seen it as an issue - and I seem to see
more non-whites in those settings than in social life. But there may
also be another factor at work: That some non-white cultures are more
homophobic. But racism can be so subtle it is a constant fight to
keep it weeded out of one's psyche - if a person even really wants
to. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he or she isn't
racist.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Chuck, 35, gay white male, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not know if there is more racism per se in the gay
community than in whatever prevails in the surrounding community at
large. A recent television documentary on
"The Castro"
also mentioned the predominance of white gay men in that San
Franscisco district. From my observations in the Midwest, there does
appear to be a more distinct division of activities along racial
lines in larger urban areas than in medium-sized cities. Why this is
I could not say for sure. Racism may play some part. My guess is that
gay and lesbian bars and activities are so much less available in
smaller towns that everyone shows up for them regardless of race or
ethnic background. But in large urban areas such as Detroit, where
there are sizable gay populations of several ethnic backgrounds,
minority members may choose to patronize specific bars or organize
groups and activities specifically geared toward various minority
groups.
I was surprised whem Detroit Mayor Dennis Archer, who has
maintained friendly relations with the gay community, did not
recognize the organizing groups for Hotter Than July, the Detroit
area's yearly black gay pride celebration, and initially withheld
support for that celebration. Letters of support from a wide range of
community groups helped to educate the mayor, a sample of diverse
ethnic groups working together.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
DykeOnByke, white lesbian, 48
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO65: I am a teacher and my sixth-graders have been using the
word "gay" as a slang term meaning "good." Is this viewed as an
insulting term?
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Karen, Portland, OR
ANSWER 1:
As a teacher, I can assure you the phrase "that's gay"
does not mean "that's good." It means "that's stupid or gross or
creepy or uncool," and I would assume your students told you it means
"good" so that you will allow them to continue saying it, thus
demeaning gay people and putting one over on you at the same
time.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Max H., Oakland , CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Yep, using the word "gay"as slang among young people means
"stupid, gross, odd." They lied to you.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Shon J., 23
<shonj@hotmail.com>,
Akron, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have never heard the word gay used to mean
good, particulary among youngsters. I have encountered a few
elderly people who didn't know it meant anything more than its
original usage as happy. I have heard teenagers use the phrase
"That is so gay" (often accompanied by an exaggerated flip of
the wrist) to mean something stereotypically gay, usually something
flamboyant.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian, 48
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield , MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO64: My three-year-old son loves to play with Barbies and
likes to be "the girl" whenever he and his brother role-play. He
plays with girlfriends' purses and high heels and loves pink. Are
these early signs of homosexuality?
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
P.S.K., 28-year-old mother of two boys, FL
ANSWER 1:
I have a nephew who is four. He played with Barbies and
wore high-heel shoes. I think it is natural curiosity for kids to do
this.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
E.J., 33, gay male
<ej2130@aol.com>, Tampa,
FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
For people who view with horror a kid's emerging queer
identity, the reassuring response is "Oh, it's just a phase. He'll
grow out of it." And that you'll see that these behaviors will,
indeed, diminish or even disappear. But that's often because he's
getting negative reactions for his gender-contradictory behavior.
He's being peer-socialized into stereotypical male gender behavior.
Does that mean he's no longer a gay-oriented kid? Not at all. It
means he doesn't want to be teased and tortured for his "girlish"
behavior. I can remember going through this process with my little
fellow sissies. We continued to do the Barbie Trip in private.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Max H., gay man, Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Reverse gender-role play is natural in many young
children, and in no way indicates any bearing on the development of
their sexual orientation. If such behavior continues several years
down the road, however, it may be a sign of transgenderism (a.k.a.
gender dysphoria). Transgenderism is when one's gender identity
(which is purely mental and has no bearing on orientation) is at odds
with one's physical sex. In this case, your son would be mentally
developing as a female (or as a male/female hybrid) and crossdressing
is pure stress relief from the masculine role society is pushing him
into. Don't consider therapy of any sort if your son does turn out to
be transgendered; numerous studies have proved that transgenderism,
like homosexuality, cannot be "cured." Love and nurture him like you
would any other child, and he will thank you for it later in
life.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Korpios, 19, bigendered
<korpios@darkblade.com>,
Warwick, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not have personal experience with this, but it's my
feeling that all children naturally explore as they are forming their
identities - I think it is healthy for the child to do so, and he
should be allowed this freedom, but should be prepared for the fact
that other adults and children may criticize him for it. I do not
think it makes a child gay. I've heard very bad stories of young
people doing this, being taken to psychiatrists and being diagnosed
with Gender Identity Disorder, then going through terrible treatment
programs, or even being institutionalized - so be careful.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica N., female, 26, bisexual, white
<jessica@pioneeris.net>,
NY, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO63: I have heard that the size of certain structures in the
brain and inner ear is linked to sexual orientation. Is this
true?
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Dave A., Camden, NJ
ANSWER 1:
There are anecdotal reports of anatomical differences
between heterosexuals and homosexuals, though to my knowledge no
major study has been done. The inner ear findings you mention refer
to a report that lesbians are more likely to have a hearing
sensitivity similar to that of heterosexual males, rather than
heterosexual females (there are some well-known hearing differences
between straight men and women). There have also been reports that
lesbian fingerprints often follow trends associated with males. These
findings suggest that some lesbians may have been exposed to a
masculinizing influence in utero, though no one knows what this might
be. However, these differences were not found in all lesbians - only
in a disproportionate number of them.
POSTED JAN. 12,1999
Tim, male, gay, 32, mailto:tcran@hotmail.com, NY, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
Researchers were examining possible differences between
lesbians and heterosexual women. When they studied the inner ear
structure in women who had died, they discovered a statistically
significant difference between the inner ears of lesbians and those
of heterosexual women. The significance of this was that, up to that
point, no physical differences had been found between heterosexual
and homosexual women, and there had been speculation that, while gay
men may have been "born that way," lesbians were perhaps "choosing"
their sexual orientation. Gay men, by the way, have been found to
have different hypothalmus glands than straight men, and research is
still looking for other physical differences.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Larry M,, male, Westmoreland , NH
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO62: How might someone who practices a homosexual lifestyle
respond , specifically, to the following two arguments against
homosexual tendencies being natural/inborn feelings: 1) The American
Psychiatric Association used to consider homosexuality a treatable
psychological disorder (like, for example, pedophilia still is) and
2) the growing number of people leaving their homosexual
lifestyle.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Fred S.,
<A592M341E@aol.com>,
Bermont, CA
ANSWER 1:
Well, I have never understood what a "homosexual
lifestyle" is supposed to be, but I am gay, so I suppose that counts
for Fred S. Gay people have lots of very different lifestyles, but
some people seem to think that who we fall in love with is the only
defining factor in our "lifestyle." The American Psychiatric
Association used to consider homosexuality a treatable psychological
disorder, but they no longer do. I don't see how this is an argument
against homosexuality being inborn - respectable psychiatrists used
to think that autism was caused by emotional neglect, but that has
been proven to be untrue, and the fact that people once thought
otherwise isn't really considered relevant. How would an anti-gay
person respond, specifically, to the fact that the American
Psychiatric Association no longer considers homsexuality to be
abnormal? As for the "growing numbers of people leaving their
homosexual lifestyle," I have never seen credible evidence of this.
For another perspective, check out the Ex-ex-gays website at
http://members.aol.com/exexgay/.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Selena, 29, white non-straight female, Berkeley, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I lost my virginity to a guy when I was 16. I listened to
my friends who were sleeping with girls and thought I should at least
try it before I admitted being gay. I tried this for almost six years
(going straight as it were) and it was the only point in my life
where choice decided my sexual preference. It made me miserable,
lonely and depressed. It went against my very nature. I can tell you
from firsthand experince that being gay is not a choice. It's part of
who I am. It seems completely natural to me. And if being gay or
lesbian is a choice, why don't you try it out, to prove to everyone
that it is a choice? Or does that go against your inner nature as
much as being straight goes against mine? I have a life, not a
"lifestyle."
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Dionysus, 22, gay white male
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
For (1): The American Psychiatric Association is a group
of doctors, and we all know doctors have changed their thinking
drastically over the years as science has advanced. Just because
doctors used to treat almost all illnesses by bleeding and purging,
for example, does not mean we should still do so today. Similarly,
most psychiatrists now feel that homosexuality can no longer be
scientifically classified as a mental illness. For (2): I don't know
if you have any hard statistics to back up the number of people
claiming to have changed their sexual orientation - it may be
rising,,or just getting more publicity due to the recent ad campaign
by the Religious Right. However, all scientific inquiries in these
cases have shown that the individual involved does not change his or
her orientation, they merely suppress its manifestations.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
John, gay male, 42, Chicago, IL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Fred, before I answer your question, let me clarify
something: I don't "practice a homosexual lifestyle"; I'm just gay.
It's as much a part of my identity as my job, my friends or my
religious beliefs. There is no such thing as any one "homosexual
lifestyle" any more than there is any one "heterosexual lifestyle."
As for the APA once classifying homosexuality as a psychological
disorder, it realized its error and corrected it. Science is always
advancing, and that sometimes means that some theories are discovered
to be without basis. For example, scientists once believed the earth
was flat, but they had to discard that theory in the face of new
evidence. In response to your second question, I really don't think
it's possible to change your sexual orientation. You can, of course,
deny it and cultivate enough self-loathing to try and live a lie in
order to please others, but even so-called "transformation
ministries" decline to publish their "success" rates. That leads me
to believe that they merely try to suppress gay people's true
natures, not change them, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it
doesn't. It's kind of like making a left-handed person write with his
right hand. He can usually do it, but it's very difficult, and it
never feels as comfortable or natural as when he writes with his left
hand.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mike B., 25, gay right-handed male
<meb@ukrpack.net>,
Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Many medical associations have made incorrect declarations
over the years. In the past, for example, it was widely assumed that
bottle feeding infants was no worse than breast feeding, and that
autism was caused by poor parenting. Both opinions have been changed.
I see the APA�s stance on homosexuality as no different. At its
essense, science is about admitting the possibility of error as
illustrated through carefully documented evidence, gathered by
objective investigators. This standard also applies to people
"leaving" homosexuality. The very institution you cite as an
authority (the APA) has expressed skepticism as to the effectiveness
of conversion therapies, because of lack of evidence. I don�t believe
any ex-gay ministry has participated in a detailed double-blind
scientific study to back up its claims. Until this happens, many
people will consider ex-gay ministries to be wishful thinking rather
than an actual phenomenon. Science is not about anecdotes, it is
about data.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Tim Cranston, gay male
<tcran@hotmail.com>, NY,
NY
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
First of all, a note on the term "homosexual lifestyle":
There isn't one. It is as absurd to speak of a homosexual "lifestyle"
as a heterosexual "lifestyle." Gays come in all political stripes,
races and behavior habits; in this way they don't differ from
straights. Living on a houseboat is a "lifestyle;" I have a
life. That having been said, my answer to question #1:
Scientific, medical and psychological research very often causes
society to reevaluate its attitudes. For instance, people who are
schizophrenic used to be viewed as demonically possessed in centuries
past. The APA rightly determined that lesbians and gay men are just
as capable of enjoying happy, healthy lives and relationships
regardless of their sexual orientation. As for question #2, I
recognize there are some say people who become so convinced their
sexual orientation is somehow "wrong" that they choose to be
celibate; yet even such people recognize that their sexual
attractions remain. It may also be argued that for every one person
who renounces his or her homosexuality, there are many others who
come out of the closet after years of deception and pretending to be
straight.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck A., 39, gay male
<PolishBear@aol.com>,
Spring Hill, WV
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To the first question, "used to" is the operative term. I
think in our society it is probably understandable, given the
prejudice against homosexuality, that at one time this was viewed as
a disorder. The psychologists would have been conditioned to believe
this was the case, and many of the homosexual people they met were
unhappy with their lot, having been told for years that it meant at
least there was something wrong with them, and at most that it meant
they were damned to hell. That's a pretty heavy dose to take. I'm
only glad there were enough people of strong character to see beyond
this cultural conditioning and the misery it inflicted. To the second
question, I support people in finding the appropriate path, sexually
and otherwise, for themselves. I am bothered, though, by the guilt
and pressure applied to people to "recover" from their homosexuality.
If such choices are to be made (if choices are even the right word -
I think in many cases "acquiring deeper self-knowledge" might be more
appropriate) they need to be made freely, and I don't think such
high-pressure tactics allow for that. Are you aware of the various
support groups for people who have been through therapy (often
supported by a religious group) to combat their homosexuality and in
the end found the therapy to be more harmful than anything else? It
is a complex situation, and I can only hope that all people involved
find what they need, whatever that is.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Catherine H., 25, bisexual
<tylik@eskimo.com >,
Woodinville, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
1) It's called "learning" or "becoming educated." The APA
took the action because it learned, after much research, that
homosexuality is in fact not a mental disorder. (That some people
cannot accept that fact and still use the term "lifestyle" shows the
need for continued education.) Homophobia is, I believe, listed, at
least as an aberrant belief. 2. Two related responses: First, far,
far more people are accepting their homosexuality and coming out of
hiding, from straight marraiges and other shams. Second, gay people
for years have bowed to societal pressure and hidden their true
natures, in marriages and elsewhere. "Leaving the homosexual
lifestyle" is nothing more than bowing to that pressure; many who
have been so pressured have later recanted.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck, 35, gay male
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I frankly don't know whether homosexual tendencies are
inborn, and the two "arguments" you cite don't offer much evidence
either way. As you know, the major American psychiatric and
psychological organizations no longer consider homosexuality a
disorder. Even if homosexuality were a treatable condition, its roots
would remain ambiguous. With a few minor exceptions, psychiatry has
yet to determine whether any given mental disorder is a result of
biology, environment or some combination. Your reference to gays and
lesbians "leaving their homosexual lifestyle" implies that such folks
have changed their behavior. It says little about their feelings or
attractions, and nothing about where these feelings come from. No
doubt some gays and lesbians cease same-gender sexual activity,
usually out of religious sentiments. Celibacy has long been practiced
by heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Most gays and lesbians trace
their same-sex impulses to early childhood. Whatever factors affect
sexual orientation seem to be important very early in life and have a
profound impact - not the type of thing that's easily changed.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Charles L., 30, gay male
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
The leading scientists of the world used to consider the
world flat; pundits used to think that any vehicular speed over 40
m.p.h. would be fatal. The point is that as a society and as
intelligent beings, we must grow and learn. The A.P.A. continued
researching homosexuality and discovered wasn't any reason to
classify it the way it was. Leaving the lifestyle? What lifestyle?
I'm a gay Christian, and my lifestyle sure isn't the same as my gay
neighbor's lifestyle, whether he's Christian or not. I can just as
easily say that I sure see a lot of people leaving the heterosexual
lifestyle; what with all the people publicly coming out. It means
nothing. No group can be marginalized by a single "lifestyle." It
doesn't exist. The point is to take assumptions and challenge them
with research; reading new books on the subjects and talking to
people who have insight into the issues. I mean, after all, some of
my best friends are straight!
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mark B., 37, gay white male
<bentley@cyberramp.net>,
Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
You may be unaware of this, but describing my gayness as a
"lifestyle" is a code word, a way of dismissing my ability to love,
my hopes and my dreams, as if they were something I casually decided
to do one morning, like taking a Caribbean cruise. Now to your
specific questions: (1) As you noted, the American Psychiatric
Association changed its recommendations on homosexuality in 1973, in
the face of overwhelming factual evidence of the many millions of
gays and lesbians who lead happy, productive lives, and whose
psychological problems, if any, are the result of growing up in a
society that is at best, indifferent, and frequently, hostile to
them. The essence of the scientific method followed by these
professionals is to search and research, with a willingness to
discard pet theories when the facts require. Unlike pedophiles, who I
agree are severely disordered, healthy gays and lesbians do not use
force or seduction to trap unwary, helpless victims; our
relationships are with other consenting adults. (2) Although the
"ex-gay" movement has stepped up its efforts, most notably in a
recent series of ads in several national newspapers, I see no
evidence that large numbers of gays and lesbians are becoming
heterosexuals. I live in a large city and have dozens of gay friends,
many of whom have been in relationships for decades; I'm not aware of
any of them changing. I suspect that the increased visibility of both
gay groups and conservative religious organizations in this debate
gets increasing media attention, making it appear that more people
are involved in "ex-gay" groups than really exist. Psychological
research strongly suggests that although sexual behavior can be
altered in response to outside pressure or conditioning, sexual
orientation is generally fixed by puberty.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Scott H., 32, gay male, Boston, MA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Homosexuality is a difference that has often resulted in
persecution and trauma, which once made many homosexuals less
emotionally unstable. Psychiatrists probably noticed this and
concluded homosexuality was the problem. Of course the real problem
was the persecution. Many things used to be treated as illnesses that
no longer are, e.g. left-handedness. Medical attitudes change over
time. The "homosexuality as an illness" argument you've posited is
redundant. To address the "illness" argument: I didn't become ill, I
realized I was homosexual, and for me and most of my friends it was
something we'd always known, that was always "there." I might ask,
"If homosexuality is an illness, can I call in queer to work ?" This
illustrates the silliness of this argument. Where is the evidence of
homosexuals giving up the homosexual lifestyle (whatever that is)?
Even if they do give it u, that is no proof their preference has
changed, just their outward behavior.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Ben, 30, queer male
<bscaro@hotmail.com>,
Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
On your first point, you've answered your own question.
They "used to" consider it a treatable mental disorder, but most of
that was based on hundreds of years of ignorance about human
development and biology. Today, homosexuality is understood to be
just another aspect of the human being, not something to be "cured"
or "treated." As a 50-year-old baby boomer, I have been a gay male
since as far back as I can remember (although in pre-teen years I
didn't fully realize or understand it, as no one, not even my
parents, attempted to educate me nor discuss my sexual development),
and have been in a loving, stable, completely open, sharing and
committed relationship with another male for almost 20 years.
As to your question about becoming an ex-gay, I believe there are
people at both ends of the sexual-orientation spectrum, from
absolutely, 100 percent heterosexual to 100 percent homosexual, and
everywhere in between. I don't doubt that those who fall somewhere
along that spectrum can actually live their lives as wholly one or
the other when it comes to the physical sex act, but no one's mental
make-up, which most truly defines and drives their sexual desires, is
ever actually "changed." You can paint a horse to look like a zebra,
but inside it's still a horse. Ok, I'm not great at analogies, but
this seemed to carry the most visual impact to make my point - what
you grow up to be is what you are, no matter how you try to act
differently. As a man of the Christian faith, I pray that God's love
will always be the leading motivation in mankind's loving treatment
of each other, not as a club to be used for discrimination and
hatred. Although sexual orientation (either way) may be the result of
a multitude of complex factors, such as biology, early developmental
years, environment, sibling relationships, etc., and therefore so
much a part of a person's complete psychological makeup as to be
truly unchangeable, prejudice, hatred and discrimination have to be
taught, and therefore can be changed. What this world needs is not
more "ex-gays" but more "ex-bigots."
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Michael, male, USAF (ret), gay, Dover, DE
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I have never seen convincing evidence that people can
"convert" from gay to straight, as some claim. Such an assertion may
be true. On the other hand, it could be a falsehood created to serve
an anti-gay agenda, just as saying "I have genetic proof that Asians
are mentally superior to whites" could actually be motivated by
racism. Such controversial claims require evidence. If you want to
convice me that what you are saying is true and not a subtle form of
manipulation, you'd better have first-rate scientific data on hand,
gathered by a reputable organization with no tendentious interest in
the outcome of the study. So far, I've only heard anecdotes and
testimonials of people changing sexual orientation. In fact, I've
heard a few stories of people renouncing their "conversions" as well.
Sorry, but without real, solid, peer-reviewed published evidence, I'm
not buying it. You might as well ask me to "take your word for it"
that a UFO landed in your back yard.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Will, 32, gay white male
<whuer@hotmail.com>, NY,
NY
FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I am responding to the second part of your question, about
people "leaving" the homosexual lifestyle. I am a bisexual female who
previously dated only men. At about age 21, I became aware I was also
attracted to women. Sexuality can and does change, or become more
clear. I believe what people are seeing is either denial of their
true feelings, in which they wish to be hetero and hence convince
themselves, or the homosexual experience was an experimentation and
not a reflection of a true orientation. Hence, if they are not gay by
birth, they have nothing to actually "change."
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
Kerry, 28, bisexual female, Ventura, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 15:
The APA learned lessons from its research and changed its
position. Gay men and women are not sick. The number of people
leaving "the gay lifestyle" that you know of is deceptive. Those
"ex-gay" groups apparently are good at manipulating the press.
Besides, the "ex-gays" I've seen on the national media didn't strike
me so much as "really gay" at one time, but "really desperate" at one
time.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Steve, male, Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO61: I've noticed that gay men sometimes wear bands on their
right-hand ring finger. Does this symbolize anything?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Wilbur C., Orlando, FL
ANSWER 1:
My "significant other" and I wear matching bands on our
right ring fingers. This symbolizes our commitment to each other,
much as a wedding ring would. Since we are not married (because we
cannot do so) and do not enjoy the societal and legal benefits of
marriage, we do not wear our rings in the traditional spot, which
would normally symbolize legal marriage.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
Jeff G., 31, gay, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
This seems to be something of a trend. Although there
don't seem to be any fixed rules, a silver or gold band on the right
ring finger would indicate that particular gay man is in a committed
relationship, just as heterosexual couples wear wedding bands on the
LEFT hand. Perhaps it is a statement not only of committment but also
pride in oneself as a gay person. Many years ago there seemed to be
similar notions about which ear to pierce, but with people piercing
just about every flap of flesh they can these days, those rules have
gone out the window.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck A., 39, gay male
<PolishBear@aol.com>,
Spring Hill, WV
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I've worn my ring on my right hand for years for two
specific reasons: One is that it is a tradition in some European
countries. The other is that it is not heterosexual. I like to
identify myself as a "married" man (even though it isn't legal yet)
but don't want to be misconstrued as straight. I still get asked what
my wife's name is, and I reply my spouse's name is Michael.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Allan, 38, happily married gay male, San Jose, CA
To respond
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