Best of the Week
of Feb. 3, 2002
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Feb. 3, 2002, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as
well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will
find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
The book
on Y? is here!
"Why Do White People Smell Like Wet
Dogs
When They Come Out Of The Rain?"
Order it here!
Read the
Associated Press story on "Wet Dogs"
Question:
Do all men get the urge to rape? And if you don't really see
women as sex objects, why do you watch so much porn?
POSTED 2/6/2002
Melanie, Tacoma, WA, United States, 17, Female, Mesg ID
242002113832
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Question:
I am interesed to hear views from Germans on how reunification
has affected their lives and how they view their country today. I
also would like to hear from others on their views on Germany. Do you
see it as a 'European super-state' or a bridge between East and
West?
POSTED 2/7/2002
Eleanor T., Birmingham, NA, United Kingdom, 22, Female,
Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 27200245935
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Question:
What is it really like to be addicted to smoking? How do you
feel when you haven't had one for a while? Why do people bother to
light up for a short period of time - like when they won't even have
enough time to smoke a full cigarette? And what makes it so difficult
to quit? Or to not restart? Thanks for your answers - I've never
started so I've never had to stop.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Maggie, Cologne, NA, Germany, 25, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
25200253547
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Question:
Are there certain types of recurring dreams that are common to
people? I ask this because ever since I could remember I would have
weird dreams about having shattered or severely chipped teeth. The
emotions felt during the dream were an intense fear and a feeling
that I would be perceived as unattractive and weird to the world. I
asked others if they had dreams such as this, and to my amazement
they said yes, especially my father. I have no explanation of why I
(and maybe a few others) have this type of recurring dream. And I
don't think it has to do with my dental health, because my teeth are
pretty healthy - in fact, I've never had a cavity. The dream seems to
release some innate fear I have, and I just don't know what it is. If
anybody else has had this type of situation, or if maybe there is a
psychiatrist cycling through here, any comments would be greatly
appreciated.
POSTED 1/15/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 112200253507
Responses:
I have to admit that on occasion I do have worrisome dreams about
losing or chipping my teeth. But at least in my case, I've always
been really anal and careful about my teeth. I'm one of the few
people I know who actually loves going to the dentist! But ever
since, say, elementary school, I've always been worried about losing
my teeth. I don't know. It's just that once you lose your permanent
teeth, you'll never get them back. So I occasionally worry about
getting hit in the face with a door, or accidentally biting down hard
on a metal utensil, and of course I dreaded cavities. The last thing
I want to happen is to be wearing dentures by the time I'm 30 (no
offense to anyone who does have them, of course). But I guess some of
my fears are a bit anachronistic. I recently did have a cavity (a
small one, I still have my tooth!). I always really worried because I
still kinda remember the days when they used mercury fillings and you
got stuck with a mouth full of metal for the rest of your life! But
it turns out that now they have really good fillings that are pretty
much undetectable, so that was a relief. So I'm not sure if I've
exactly answered your question, but rest assured that there are other
people who care about and worry about their teeth! =)
POSTED 2/6/2002
Eric, Chicago, IL, United States, 20, Male, Religiously
independent, Straight, Student, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 115200273614
For years I have had a recurring dream, from time to time, with
the same general theme: it is near the end of a semester in college,
and I either have a term paper due the next day that I haven't
started writing yet, there is a class I'm enrolled in but have never
attended (and am therefore going to flunk), or some such thing. I
finally figured out that this dream is the result of subconscious
guilt over not having taken college seriously enough. By most
standards I was an excellent student, but there were books I was
supposed to read that I didn't (I took really detailed notes in
class), and I could have written outstanding term papers over a
semester rather than whipping out 'three-day wonders' at the end of
the term. (By the way, I never cheated, not even once.) My advice to
students: no matter how smart you think you are, don't take the high
road, follow both the letter and the spirit of what the class
requires, and work with your professor throughout the semester to
make sure you're getting the most you can out of the class.
Thankfully, learning is a lifelong process, and you can always make
up for slacking off in college by later reading and study (as I have
done), but why invest all that time and money if you're not going to
maximize what the experience has to offer? And if you don't want to
be there, take a break, get some life experience and make room for
someone who does want to be there.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 122200251219
I think your dream means there is pain and fragility in your life.
You are suffering from inner doubt about whatever ... I don't know,
but you must find out what is bugging you right now and sort it out.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Andy G., Berlin, NA, Germany, Male, Mesg ID 25200230705
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Question:
What is it that girls have against hairy guys? I can't figure
out what is so disgusting that they would have a total fit about it.
I know not all girls are like this, and I don't mean to generalize,
but I'm just really curious about what the big deal is.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Ed, Des Moines, IA, United States, Male, Mesg ID
22200280958
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Question:
What causes people to abandon their faith - other than
"switching" for a spouse? Are there certain aspects of religion that
cause some followers to become disillusioned and adopt another faith
or even become atheist or agnostic?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Jay, New York, NY, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, 4
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 25200294756
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Question:
I'm a 24-year-old white male who works in a store that deals
with a large number of people on a daily basis. I've noticed that
when I help a black customer who's middle aged or elderly, they're
often very friendly and appreciative, often much moreso than their
white counterparts. However, when I attempt to help a younger black
customer, especially a young man, they're almost always dismissive or
even rude for no apparent reason. Is there an easy answer for the
discrepency?
POSTED 1/31/2002
Ben, Morgantown, WV, United States, 24, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Salesman / Customer Service, Over 4 Years
of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 129200234122
Responses:
Maybe it's because of the almost daily humiliating experience we
go through of being suspected shoplifters and followed around in most
retail outlets. 'Can I help you?' has by now become a trite term for
'What are you planning to take?' The older African Americans probably
have a history of being bullied so much that they have come to accept
it; this is why they're polite, out of conditioning.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Black person, Gotham, CT, , Black/African American, Mesg ID
22200283806
They probably think you are challenging their intelligence by
offering to 'help' them, or they think you are suspicious of them
trying to steal. I see quite a bit of arrogance in some younger black
customers where I work that stems from a mistaken idea that they are
perceived as inferior by all whites, and they think of themselves as
inferior. A lot of young black (and white) males take on a macho
pose, too. Most of the time, if you act normal and respond honestly
and with respect, that 'hostility' will dissipate. Older people in
general are more established and confident about themselves. There
are of course some regional and cultural nuances that have to be delt
with depending on the situation. Also, age might be a drawback in
your case.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Bob, Laurel, MD, United States, 56, Male, White/Caucasian,
customer service, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
22200243256
There is no clear-cut answer for what you have experienced from
the younger black (particularly male) customers. In my retail
experience, I have dealt with quite a few young white, Asian, black,
and Middle Eastern (male and female) customers who were quite rude
and dismissive, even though I was very courteous and attentive to
them. Bad manners are present in all races, and I'm sure that many
people in the retail industry can attest to that. It's unfortunate
that you had to deal with a few bad apples that happened to be black,
but please do not think that almost all young black men are rude to
people who assist them.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Liz, Washington, DC, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 22200243800
Older black customers are especially nice to you because they were
conditioned to be that way by the racist society in which they were
brought up. White men had the power to make their lives miserable,
destroy their families and even murder them without recourse. Untold
numbers of blacks were murdered for such offenses as not being polite
enough to a white person. Younger blacks are less likely to be polite
to you because they know they don't have to be. Generations of their
ancestors were forced to submit to whites. Who can blame them for not
wanting any part of it?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 27, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Enginneer, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 25200220125
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Question:
During a legal proceeding (that is why I will not provide name
or city), a case was presented in which a Hispanic male was
co-habitating with a minor Hispanic female. The female was 15 years
old and pregnant by the male. I believe this male is a sexual
predator and guilty of sexual assault on a minor. An attorney present
stated it was 'a cultural thing,' and thus OK. Is an adult male
having sex and impregnating a minor culturally acceptable in Hispanic
cultures? If so, why? If not, please let me know so I can confront
the attorney.
POSTED 1/29/2002
G.T.R., Amarillo, TX, United States, 40, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, law enforcement, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 129200272554
Responses:
My father was 22 when he married my mother, who was 15. They had
their first child about seven months later, though they both believe
they would have eventually gotten married later. My maternal
grandparents were initially opposed to the marriage, but changed
their minds because they knew my father was a good man and it would
be better for the child to be raised by both parents. This was back
in the 1950s, and it was very common back then for an older man to
marry or live with a teenage girl, though less common among Anglos
than Mexican-Americans, especially middle-class Anglos. And
ironically, my grandparents never married and only had common law
status forced on them by a judge. That was also pretty common back
then, because many people were too poor to afford weddings. Again, it
was far more common among Mexican-Americans than Anglos. My own wife
was 17 when we married and I was 31, and no one in our families
thought any less of us for that. It's a tough call for this case,
though, because so much is left out of your question. Is this man
closer in age to 19 or 59? How long have they been living together,
and how old was she when they started seeing each other? Are they in
love or not? The answers make quite a difference in whether he's not
much more than a confused kid himself, a man who fell in love with
her in spite of her age, or just a creep out to take advantage of a
naive girl. My own take is that this lawyer is desperately seeking
some kind of a defense and is thus exaggerating, almost stereotyping.
Yes, at least until recently, there is less of a stigma for couples
with lots of difference in age than there is among Anglos. But that
shouldn't make any difference if this is someone out to use a girl
for sex rather than a man taking responsibility who actually cares
about her and takes care of her and their child. If it is the former,
I hope you do confront this lawyer. But if it is the latter, I hope
you overcome your own preconceptions and let this be.
POSTED 1/31/2002
A.C.C., Phoenix, AZ, United States, 36, Male, Mexican and American
Indian, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 130200213007
The world does not think like Americans; other cultures may have
different perceptions of when a person is an adult. In some
countries, a 13-year-old girl could be considered a grown woman - or
at least grown enough to marry and have kids. In these kinds of
societies, adulthood is determined by biology, whether a person can
produce offspring or not. In some ways I wish American culture was
like this, becuase teen girls who have sex (such as the example you
gave) are not being taught responsibility for their own doings. A
15-year-old girl or even a 13-year-old girl knows what they are doing
when they are having sex. Of course there are situations of statutory
rape, but many situations are not like that, even if the guy was
older. Most men, even older ones, are not rapists, and always
assuming it's the guy's fault when a young girl gives away her
virginity continually releases the responsibility from her own hands.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 21200284728
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Question:
Why do girls let a guy think they like them if they don't?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Eliezer, Middletown, CT, United States,
<goldinboy3@hotmail.com>, 17, Male, Catholic, Hispanic/Latino,
Straight, Less than High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
25200281217
Responses:
In my experience, guys almost always misconstrue friendliness for
interest. So it has not been that I have ever intentionally 'let guys
think that (I) like them if (I) don't,' but moreso them thinking that
I like them and being weird when they find out I have no interest in
them other than friendship. Any female intentionally attempting to
make a guy think she likes him is probably insecure and looking for
attention or validation. Has this happened to you? What were the
circumstances?
POSTED 2/7/2002
Jay, New York, NY, United States, , Female, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 26200253405
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Question:
Why is it a big deal for some people to make fun of someone
with disablities?
POSTED 1/28/2002
Melissa, Middletown, CT, United States, 19, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Less than High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 128200275818
Responses:
For the same reason somebody won't yell 'hooray' at your funeral:
it's insensitive and dishonorable behavior. People with disabilities
do not have life very easy. Many of us complain about bad hair days,
acne, cold sores, broken nails or chipped teeth, but imagine if you
had spina bifida or multiple sclerosis to deal with every day until a
cure was found. These are some extraordinary people who must be very
tough mentally to put up with their daily struggles and difficulties.
POSTED 1/31/2002
Michael F., Chicago, IL, United States, <mfleury@ccc.edu>,
24, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Educational
Administrator, Over 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
1312002123054
How would you like to be made fun of because you're a female? Or
because you're white? Or because you're middle class and not rich?
You wouldn't like it at all, and a disabled person doesn't like to be
made fun of, either. It is wrong and insensitive to make fun of
differences that people cannot help. And anyone who would do such a
thing is showing cowardly behavior, because they know the disabled
person is weak and unable to verbally or physically fight back. My
brother (who has mental retardation and cerebral palsy) has had to
deal with bullies like that; people who would pick fights with him or
push him down on the floor because he's disabled. When we go out,
people are always staring - some may even comment, calling him 'dumb'
or whatever. And what did my brother do to them? Absolutely nothing.
The bottom line is a person should treat another person with respect.
A person with disabilities should have the same opportunities as a
person without, and they shouldn't have to undergo harrassment
because nature made them different. Doing anything otherwise would be
barbaric and uncivilized.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 131200250219
I think I interpreted your question differently from the first
person who responded. The way I read it, you're asking why some
people seem to feel the need to make fun of people who have
disabilities. My response would be that for whatever reason, some
people seem to feel better about themselves if they can put other
people down. It's a hierarchy in which people make fun of those
'below' (or sometimes 'above') them in a given area, whether it be
ability or socioeconomic class or whatever. The mentality is
something to the effect of: 'Wow, look at them. What if that was me?
It's a good thing I'm not like them. I hope everybody realizes I'm
not like them. I know - I'll show everybody how far I am from being
like that person.' And then come the taunts and rude remarks. It
sounds harsh and illogical, but it's a way to deal with insecurities,
and it happens time and time again.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Stacey, Durham, NH, United States, 21, Female, college student,
Mesg ID 242002112631
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