Best of the Week
of Feb. 7, 1999
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of Feb. 7, 1999, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question Code
Key:
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A=Age
|
GD=General
Diversity
|
RE=Religion
|
|
C=Class
|
G=Geography
|
SE=Sensitive
Matters
|
|
D=Disabilities
|
O=Occupation
|
SO=Sexual
Orientation
|
|
GE=Gender
|
R=Race/Ethnicity
|
|
THE QUESTION:
R604: I have dated a few women of
Spanish/Latin American descent, and I don't understand why their
family or friends always call me "weto." Is this a racist thing or an
affectionate running joke?
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
M. Smith, 24 white male <skiir2@prodigy.com>, Oceanside, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R600: To our users, from the
Director of Y?: What is your
reaction to the following post, which we received
yesterday?
"Y? Forum sucks! It's nothing
more than dumb-ass white people asking stupid questions about other
people (mostly blacks). The answers are obvious if these white people
would just scratch below the surface and elevate themselves beyond
their typical hate-filled heads! Your forum provides an outlet for
these morons! You suck!"
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
F--- you all, Anycity, MA
ANSWER 1:
Wow! I just came on here to
ask a "dumb" question to a black person from a white person and read
this. I was going to ask why it seems that no matter what white
people say, it is always offensive to blacks. I am what I consider a
non-racist individual, and am somewhat envious of blacks, who seem to
have a wonderful culture that I, as a white, do not feel I could ever
fit into.
Instead of my question, I would like
to tell the person who wrote this that maybe if blacks could try to
meet us halfway, and remember that I was not the one who brought them
to this country, then we wouldn't have to ask "dumb" questions. Don't
you think that maybe we are making an effort to understand what it is
exactly that makes you so mad whenever we utter a word in your
direction? Maybe some people don't want racial harmony, and it may
not be only white people that feel that way. Maybe blacks do not want
it, either. I was not raised to be a bigot or racist. I was raised to
believe we are all the same inside, and I believe this. I believe we
all come from the same ancestor. whether we are Chinese, Japanese,
Indian, African, South American, Russian, German and so on. We are
all the same. By the way, I think this forum is the best place on the
Internet. Keep it up!
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
J.P., white, NC
FURTHER NOTICE:
Obviously this came from a
young coward who doesn't realize that his or her reaction is the
reason most people do not scratch beneath the surface. Instead of
insulting those who actually may want to learn or build something
positive, why don't you come up with a better solution? This is the
best forum I've seen so far. My donation is in the mail.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Samm, 34, African-American female, Boston, MA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I feel that Y? Forum provides
a unique cross-cultural discussion forum. It allows individuals to
ask even possibly insulting questions in a monitored fashion. I read
your website at least two to three times a week. It was actually the
topic of discussion in our Cross-Cultural psychology class this
semester.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Leah, 27, psychology student
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Underneath the venom I think
there is a legitimate question. The only answer I can offer is this:
By "dumb-ass," I hope our virulent-tongued comrade meant "ignorant."
If that is the case, then note that Webster's defines ignorance as "a
lack of knowledge." America is arguably the most racist country in
the world. I believe the reason this racism, mistrust and hatred
continues to mutate and thrive is that we as a nation choose to adorn
ourselves in a cloak of ignorance. We refuse to honestly examine, or
in some cases even acknowledge, the historical vortex that has
brought us to where we are today. The only way we can hope to escape
this downward social spiral is to educate ourselves and each other.
Sometimes this means uncomfortable questions will have to be asked.
No matter how offensive, trivial, ignorant or silly these questions
may seem, we must all learn to accept them and answer them as
honestly as possible. It's called communication, and just because it
isn't always easy doesn't mean we can be excused from making the
effort.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Sam, 30, male, brown American <SamAlex67@aol.com>, Chicago , Il
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As one of the dumb-ass white
people who has recently begun posting questions on this site, I will
be the first to admit that my queries may seem stupid to some people.
I will also be the first to admit that I need to elevate myself and
scratch below the surface to find out more about people who are
different from myself. To me, Y? Forum is a great first step toward
achieving those goals. I don't ask questions out of hatred; I ask to
learn and understand. If this poster gave the forum a chance, and
responded to some of the "obvious" questions, he or she could be an
instrument in this learning process. Instead, he or she chooses to
taunt us about our ignorance. If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the problem. And if you don't like the forum, no one's
asking you to stay.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Jodi, white female, 25, Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Hmm ... do I sense some
latent hostility here? I wonder why, if he or she thinks this forum
sucks, the poster was reading it? I'll bet he or she wasn't; it's
easier to complain about something one doesn't know about. As to the
statements on race, from what I've seen, people of several races post
here, not just white people (and most don't sound like dumb-asses).
But the thing about not scratching below the surface is interesting.
I think there's so much political correctness out there that people
are afraid to even bring up a topic that's offensive in public
anymore. The other end of this is that when people do bring up the
subject, others might just assume it's racism (or whatever other -ism
applies).
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Patrick, white male <mcnamepf@whitman.edu>, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Being a dumb-ass white
person, I can't directly address issues of race, but as a woman, and
a sexual and religious minority, I think that Y? fills an important
niche by providing people a place to ask questions they know might
not be polite but that they still want to know about. After all, if
the question is never asked, it's a lot less likely that
misconceptions will be cleared up. Yeah, some of the questions seem
calculated to offend, but not most, I think.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Catherine H., bisexual white witch <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
There really isn't much to
say about that post, because obviously the writer didn't say much at
all (when you are afraid to sign your name, that fear says a lot more
than anything you say.) I believe the Y? Forum is a great place to
ask questions, some silly and shallow at times, but all still very
important. The forum is effective because you can ask those silly
questions, even when you know they are silly but just have to know.
You can expect some judgmental answers and some sincere answers, much
more than you normally get from other factions of your life. Just
imagine having a legitimate, possibly offensive question you had to
have answered by the writer from "Anycity.'' Not much would be gained
by approaching him, but with this forum you can encounter others like
him, and still learn a great deal from still others, who are a little
more tolerant of honest inquiry.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Issac B., 25, black male, journalist <ibailey@thesunnews.com.>, Myrtle Beach, S.C.
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I found this post offensive
when I read it, and I still find the language offensive. After
reading the "Best of the Week," however, I basically agree with the
person's sentiments. Many of those questions could easily have been
answered by simply talking to the person or people to whom they
refer. Ask someone why they wear what looks like a knee-high stocking
on their head! Don't assume that a person who makes strange noises
while he or she works does so because he or she is Asian. Talk to
them! If we talked to people who are different from ourselves in the
same way in which we talk to people who we identify as being like
ourselves, we might begin to understand them. This forum, I think,
offers an opportunity to "spy" on other people by gaining information
about them without coming face to face with them. That's part of our
problem already.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Elaine, 40, Caucasian, Lexington, KY
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Wow. So much hate in one
paragraph. Aside from the obvious conclusion that you need to talk to
someone (therapy), you need to realize that education is the answer
to most of the hate and misconceptions in the world. Please know that
there are actually some people out there who really want to learn. Y?
Forum is an outlet and an anonymous way for them to do this. I am
thankful for the opportunity to read and respond to these questions
and feel that Y? Forum serves a unique service. Your self-hatred is a
sign of some pretty deep stuff. I hope you get some help.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Sheila, lesbian, 49, gay/lesbian/bisexual/transexual youth
counselor,<Hopeteens@aol.com>, West Palm Beach , FL
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Yeah, your site is basically
a bunch of fluff. You pretend to be cutting edge, but you censor
material that is not sensitive enough for politically correct
individuals. Anybody can be passive and post the easy question. I
feel Y? Forum should post questions that may be vulgar, obscene or
just plain insensitive. Perhaps this will change people's demented
attitudes and promote a harmonious society through understanding and
compassion for those who give constructive criticism to others.
Thanks for the effort - yeah right.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
W.O.W. 30 Caucasian <testing9897@yahoo.com>, Detroit , MI
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
My reaction is a shrug. This
person obviously hasn't read too much on this site. When I'm walking
down the street and see someone in a spittle-slinging rant about
something they know nothing about, I keep walking. I'd have done that
here, too, except you asked me to stop and look.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Andrew, 35, dumb-ass white person <ziptron@start.com.au>, Huntington , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
It's true that some of the
questions have obvious answers if the person were to step outside of
their own cultural bias. The problem is that it's hard to step
outside of what we have known as "normal" for our entire lives. I
hope that by at least asking the questions, and receiving (mostly)
civil, patient responses, the questioners will realize that they are
operating out of their own perceptions, not out of a "black and
white" (excuse the pun) reality.
While I've felt there are a number of
questions that have been asked only as an opportunity to air the
questioner's prejudice, I feel that the vast majority are asked out
of a sincere (if sometimes naive) desire to understand others. Since
my belief is that the root of hatred and prejudice is lack of
understanding (we hate the things we fear, we fear the things we
don't understand), my hope is that by just trying to gain knowledge,
people will start to change, and to stop fearing and hating a little
bit more each day.
I don't think this forum could end
all hatred and prejudice by itself, but it's a start, and a
relatively safe place for people to begin the learning
process.
Another comment made by the poster
was that most questions were from whites asking about blacks. While
other countries do access this site, it is American-based. The
majority of people in America (and also those with Internet access)
are white. The largest U.S. minority, and the one with the most
history of visible racial interaction with whites, are blacks.
(Obviously, not the only interactions, just the most publicized.) I
think it's pretty logical that most questions are from whites about
blacks.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Janon, 38, multiethnic <janon_rogers@cv.hp.com>, Lebanon , OR
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
This person has every right
to think that about this site, but I disagree with the sentiments. I
feel the only way to break down the walls that separate us is to
become educated about one another. Non-white members of this society
are required to understand the white culture in order to be
successful at work, school, etc. Let's face it, if you watch TV or
look at a popular magazine, you will get to know white culture.
Unfortunately the same is not true in the reverse. Many whites I know
do not care about the cultures, beliefs or attitudes of others. It is
imperative that whites begin to learn about diverse cultures. This is
the only way things will change for the better. This forum is a place
where people can feel free to ask questions and learn about others -
which will be a vital step in healing this nation. I hope the person
who wrote that can find peace.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Michael , 25, white guy <mjolson@prodigy.net>, Minneapolis , MN
FURTHER NOTICE 14:
There are a couple of ways
one could look at this. For years, white Americans have wondered
about certain issues related to black Americans, but have been afraid
to ask for fear of being tagged "racist." But I've also seen
questions about white folks posted by blacks on Y? Forum, so I'd say
this curiosity runs both ways. You don't conquer barriers without
asking questions and working through issues. Change requires
confrontation, and that means asking and answering simple, complex
and sometimes stupid-looking questions.
On the hand, you could say the person
posting the remark is deliberately trying to label Y? a black-bashing
forum. What do others think?
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Alma, white lesbian <pridewks@seacove.net>, Kempner , Tx
FURTHER NOTICE 15:
Despite my suspicion that the
statement was made by a white boy in the suburbs, I will respond. 1)
There are questions about sexual orientation, occupation, geography,
religion, etc., on the forum If the race category makes you mad,
don't read it. 2) In the race category, you seemed to have overlooked
all of the questions directed to whites, Asians, Latinos and Native
Americans. 3) Many of the questions are asked by blacks, Asians,
Latinos, etc. 4) It is not your job to educate, and yes, some
questions sound stupid from your point of view. I can't tell you how
many times I have been asked, "When did you choose to become gay?"
But biting someone's head off will burn more bridges than build them.
It will cause people to stop asking questions, to believe in
stereotypes and to maintain intolerance. However, if you use
patience, it will help someone understand a little better. 5) Y? is
not a solution; it is a springboard for dialogue. I have asked and
answered, and a couple people have talked with me via email. They did
more than tell me to scratch the surface. They showed me how to -
they pointed me in a direction. And after the brief exchange, I was
left with another person's insight, a few book titles, a new friend
and an overwhelming feeling how we are all the same inside. That is
the whole point.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Craig, gay white male, 25 <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I find that participating in
the Y? Forum by reading the archives and new posts, as well as asking
and answering questions (even if it seems like my contributions are
rarely posted) is an excellent way to find out about other people's
differences. It is not just a white/black thing; there are questions
about Asians, women, men, parents, rich people, poor people,
teenagers, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Jews, disabled people,
etc. The vast majority of the people whose comments I have read do
not seem to be motivated by hate. They are motivated by a desire to
overcome their ignorance and learn more about people who are in some
way different from them. Difference can cause fear, dislike,
curiosity, attraction and many other emotions. By taking a closer
look at our differences and trying to understand them, we can help
dispel prejudice. (My only beef with this forum is that there are not
enough contributions from other countries. The world is better than
just the United States.) POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
C., 21, female, Montreal, Quebec, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 17:
My gut reaction was "F---
you, too." I grew up in an all-white, all-Catholic, Beaver
Cleaver-type neighborhood. I went to college in the same type of
neighborhood. Does that make me a "hate-filled moron" with a racist
attitude? I don't think so. I know absolutely nothing about other
races, religions, sexual orientations, etc., other than my own. The
reason for Y? Forum is to acquire knowledge about others so as not to
make fools of ourselves out in the world. If someone doesn't like the
idea of Y? Forum, get the hell out of the web site! I think this is a
fantastic idea and an excellent source of information. It sounds to
me like the person who wrote this is the hate-filled moronic racist,
especially considering he or she wasn't big enough to leave a name or
e-mail address. Keep up the good work, Y? Forum.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Jen, 28, single, white, heterosexual woman, Royal Oak, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 18:
And this person is calling
other people "hate-filled?"
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Laura, white female, 37, Baltimore , MD
FURTHER NOTICE 19:
I am a dumb-ass white moron.
The writer is also a dumb-ass if he or she only uses Y? instead of
getting with people of color to talk and work things out. But the
writer disses everybody of every color who might really want to learn
more but don't have any way to meet all the people whose ideas are
posted here.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Ron, 65, Cajun-American male <ramelancon@email.com>, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 20:
The post stereotypes white
people as having "hate-filled minds," criticizes those who attempt to
have a dialogue on diversity, and yet the poster is such a coward
that he or she refused to give his or her name. I would have to say
that someone is just trying to get attention. I would not have
bothered posting those comments, since catering to fools is a
pointless exercise, but I have to admit that it displayed a great
deal of courage. Keep it up, and lessen the restrictions on the
postings. Keep out the obvious personal attacks and posts like that,
but put everything else on. If people are willing to put their names
to hate speech, so be it. There is more than one way to learn, and
rejection of the negative is just as useful as acceptance of the
positive.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
John K., 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford , NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 21:
What's wrong with being
curious? In kindergarten, we were often told that asking questions
was the best way to gain knowledge (or something like that).
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
C.C., Canadian female of Chinese descent, Kingston, Ontario,
Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 22:
I strongly disagree. Any
forum that encourages an open and candid discussion of sensitive
issues is positive and useful. I feel we are often embarrassed to ask
questions, even when the asking is a step toward ending our own
ignorance, or a step to a better understanding of our
differences.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Andy B., 38, white, gay, Catholic <ATB0118@aol.com> Somerville, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 23:
Yes, it seems quite obvious
that some posters ask questions or post answers just to express their
negative opinions on other races and cultures. And yes, it does seem
that the vast majority of posts are by whites. And too many answers
are by whites, even when the question was directed to another
race/nationality. But the Y? Forum is a great site. This white male
has put it in his "cool" bookmark directory (and not the "fun"
directory, mind you). However, I can think of a few ways the Y? Forum
could be improved. First, the use of passwords would help screen out
silly posts. Second, some collation and statistical analysis of
questions and answers would add greatly. For example, it would be
useful to know how often any given question has been asked before,
and of the anwers given, how often those answers have been given
before. I think it would help people to know what the greatest points
of contention between their culture and others' cultures are. It
would be great to be able to search what are the most common
questions from group X about group Y. And what are the most common
answers by group Y for those questions. The same information can be
gained by reading all of the archives, but that is
time-consuming.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Mark S., white male <mseely@wt.net>, Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 24:
I think Y? is very biased in
the questions and anwers it posts. There is obvious manipulation of
the views on various subjects because of this "hand-picking." People
who have unpopular views are not being heard unless they are angry
white men. Also, notice who the posters responding to this submission
are. This is another example of the hand-picking that has the
original poster so furious. Be honest, Y?: You constantly delete
comments by African Americans who are attempting to explain something
just because they don't have a "tone" that white people are
comfortable with. That's not cutting edge - it's just cut-off.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Tracy, 31, African American female, Cleveland , OH
The Director responds: Y?
would be happy to post more submissions from African Americans that
have a hostile tone - if it received them. Though our analysis shows
that about 30 percent of our users are African American, we do not,
quite frankly, receive that many posts from African Americans that
could be termed "hostile" (not nearly as many as those that come from
non-minorities). Why this is would make for an interesting discussion
in itself in the Y? Forum. As far as why some hostile posts from
African Americans (or non-minorities) have not been posted, the most
likely reason, other than the fact that we do screen for outright
hate, is that we simply have not been able to get to them yet. We
receive an enormous volume of submissions daily, and as such have a
backlog of more than 5,000 posts. We are attempting to secure
additional funding and donations to help address this situation, and
hope our users will be patient in the meantime.
FURTHER NOTICE 25:
Keep in mind that Y? Forum
offers a variety of categories and topics for discussion. When you
select the "race/ethnicity" link, it is reasonable to expect that the
questions and comments will focus on race matters. Your point, though
is well-taken - a majority of the questions are posed to minorities,
namely blacks. However, if you understand the origins of contemporary
race relations in this country, you'd know that all of us have, in
some way, been culturally miseducated. Language is one of the most
powerful tools we have. We can use words to cut like a sword or to
build coalitions and communities. Y?, for me, is a very positive
resource. I don't mind the tough questions, emotional issues or the
reality that, to some, my blackness is confusing, frustrating or even
intriguing. While I agree with your observation, I disagree with the
way that you handled the issue. (My check is on the way).
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Dee W. black female <westde@hiram.edu>, Cleveland, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 26:
First of all I'd like to say
thanks so much to the people who created Y? and keep it going. What a
wonderful idea, particularly because it seems to me that white people
and black people have few, if any, opportunities to get to know each
other beyond, perhaps, the relatively superficial level of friendship
that can be achieved exclusively at work (and often not even that).
Although I am a "dumb-ass white person," I work with many black
people and frequently have lunch with several of them, although we
unfortunately do not socialize after work. Over the years, I have
sometimes had the opportunity to hear what they have to say about
some of these issues, and I hope that I have grown as a result. But I
think the majority of white people probably don't work in such an
environment and therefore don't have the opportunity I have had to
learn. Keep it up, Y? You are providing a valuable social
service.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Nora F., white female, New York City metroarea , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 27:
I agree that some of the
questions are a little lame, especially ones that only require
digging out the dictionary. But I'm interested in seeing an example
of a good question from the original poster, either one of your own
design or one from the more than 1,000 questions in the archives.
Please post one. Thanks.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
B. Hale, conflicted between dumb-ass and smart-ass <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 28:
Even though the question
wasn't phrased too prettily, it did strike a chord with me. I often
find myself shaking my head at the questions, but enjoying the
answers. As soon as you open a question with "why do whites, or
blacks, or Asians, or Hispanics do..." you're on shaky, shaky ground.
Ethnic groups don't do things, individuals do things. Many of the
responses address this, and that's where I see the value in the
forum.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
G.H., 50, black <silent@sssnet.com>, Cleveland , OH
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R601: I lived in Japan for a year
and was very interested to find that cross-dressing was popular. The
males I encountered were usually straight but could slip easily into
a flamboyant female role. Why is cross-dressing so accepted in Japan?
Is it a type of rebellion toward the stern, traditional society?
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Cassandra, 29, white female, San Diego, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R599: My Hispanic boyfriend
dislikes using a fork to eat his food. Instead, he tears up tortillas
and uses them to pinch food from his plate. Today he ate an entire
plate of rice with tortillas without bothering to bring a fork to the
table. He also smacks his lips and chews with his mouth open. Why
does he do this ... and why does it bother me so much?
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Young white woman
ANSWER 1:
I don't know too much about
Hispanic culture, but could it be part of his background? I know that
Chinese people tend to slurp at the table, as my grandfather does
this. And it bothers me, too. It bothers me because we were brought
up to be quiet while eating and to use cutlery (or chopsticks) when
appropriate.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
C.C. Canadian of Chinese descent, Kingston, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE:
Sounds like a personal
problem to me. This seems much more like his own little idiosyncrasy
and your personal reaction to it. I think for you to assume he acts
this way because of his race is to put too high a premium on his
cultural background. There's more to him than his ethnicity -
apparently bad table manners are part of his individual
personality.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
D.M.M., white, female, 24 <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston , SC
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't know if this has
anything to do with it, but I've eaten at Ethiopian restaurants and
that sounds similar to what they do: Put all the food on a large,
flat pancake and tear off bits of the pancake to pick up the food. It
seems pretty smart to me; there's nothing left to clean up except the
plate.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
T.T., white female, New York , NY
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE86: Every time I see a woman in
traditional Islamic dress, I wonder why female genital circumcision
is practiced in some cultures. What purpose could it serve? Do many
Muslim sects condone this practice? What do Muslims in America think
of it?
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Jonathan A. <jdames@intrex.net>, Raleigh, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As U.S. Peace Corps
volunteers in Ethiopia, we found that 13 of the 14 provinces
practiced the ritual of clitoridectomy. The only province that did
not was Gojam province. When we asked our instructors why, we were
told simply that the practice ensured the fidelity of the female. The
belief was that the less pleasure felt, the less chance that a woman
would seek sex with a man other than her husband. When I later
traveled to Kenya, I found that clitoridectomies were no longer
practiced there. I was told that this was due to British influence,
because their colonists were "appalled" by the practice. As
Americans, we seemed to be more in favor of giving orgasmic pleasure
and less concerned about fidelity. A favorite saying among the men in
our group was, "Let's go jam in Gojam!"
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Paine E., male <starswirler@geocities.com>, Tampa , FL
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE9: I want to know why guys
are so turned on by breasts. It is not fair to me that they can so
easily check out my chest when I can't do the same to their crotch.
How important are breasts to males, and what pleasures do you seek
from them? Also, for women, how satisfied are you with your size, and
what encounters have you had because of the size of your breasts?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
J. Wu <Chinkgirl6@aol.com>, Lawrenceville, Ga
FURTHER NOTICE 15:
Not all men are breast men. I
have never dated or been that particularly turned on by women's
breast size. I am a sucker, however, for the tummy area, and most
importantly (and probably most unbelievably for you women out there)
beautiful eyes and a pretty smile. That, my dears, is what makes me
catch my breath.
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Hopeless romantic <bvarvel@wt.net>, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I work the Rennaissance
Pleasure Faire and find that my uplifted bust (my Cs in a custom-made
bodice can support a full tankard when I'm standing) attracts a lot
of attention. Only my cleavage, my face (not my hair or hairline) and
my hands from below the wrist are exposed. Yet the customer with the
woman in only three inches of spandex and stiletto heels will talk to
my breasts and take pictures for the entire time they are visiting my
booth. It's not a bad feeling; if I did not like the way people were
staring, and their inevitable stupid comments ("Are those real?"
"Nice breasts we're having today!"), I would make something else to
wear. But it's still fascinating.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A, 21, female <Arissssss@AOL.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE116: To men: When you see women
wearing tight-fitting bell bottom jeans, shoes that add a foot to
their height and lip liner that doesn't match the lipstick, does that
turn you on? Do you like that '70s style? What fashion style gets
guys going these days?
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Sid <skillam@funtv.com >, Escondido, CA
ANSWER 1:
The non-matching lip liner
has to go, but all the other stuff looks good on females as long as
they can do it justice. If a female is truly beautiful, she will look
good in everything - but I'm still a huge fan of mini-skirts.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
G. Brady, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
That look does not really do
much for me, since the people I know who dress that way are mostly
drug addicts, and that really turns me off. Being a native of New
Jersey, however, there are certain looks that I find attractive. One
is the current New York trend for women's fashion, which tends to be
black and gray clothing, as ni a form-fitting black dress jacket over
a white dress blouse, a relatively short black (or gray) skirt, black
stockings and usually black shoes with a heel (or even better, those
half-calf black leather boots that women love to wear up here). It
sounds boring, but it looks great. The next best thing is a mixture
of Italian and Hispanic fashions. By that I mean hair that is
generally more than one color (usually brown, red or black) in a
natural mixture, a brownish lip color... The clothes vary depending
on the ethnic group. People in New Jersey and New York will know what
I mean instantly. I cannot think of a public example offhand. The
local term is "guidette," which can be favorable or insulting
depending on the attitude of the speaker.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
John K., 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford , NJ
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THE QUESTION:
R354: I have noticed a number of
younger African Americans wearing knee-high pantyhose on their heads.
I would like to know why this is done, and where this trend came
from.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Jason <microft@westol.com>, Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Those aren't knee-highs.
They're wave caps. They help keep waves in their hair. Actually,
they're supposed to be worn when they sleep. Perhaps they're getting
their hair ready so it will look good when they reach their
destination (work, party, school?)
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
B.J. Hunt, black woman, Florissant , MO
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THE QUESTION:
R598: If America is so racist,
how does one explain the success of Asians in this country? Why can't
other groups follow their examples?
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
J. Chin, Asian male <sdboy@aol.com>, San Diego, Ca
ANSWER 1:
Although America is home to
many racists, Americans do not live in a "racist society." I have
lived most of my life in America, plus several years each in an Asian
society and a non-U.S. western society. All my experience teaches me
that the Asian societies that I know directly steadfastly maintain
standards of excellence and proper behavior that have been cultivated
over centuries. These high standards, supported not only by the
family structure, but by society at large, invariably lead to
achievement and elevated status wherever they are honored by
individuals. By contrast, for reasons I'll leave to others to
explore, other racial minorities have not been so determined to
maintain traditionally high standards of conduct and achievement,
leading to comparatively lesser degrees of social achievement here in
America. I submit that we could really find out just how racist
America is if everyone practiced the dogged determination to honor
traditional standards to the degree that so many Asian immigrants
do.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Parker <sparker@neptune.net>, Orange County, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think the assumptions made
in your question may be at least open to dispute or at worst totally
flawed. Much depends on how one defines success. Contrary to the
stereotype, many Asian Americans live in poverty, belong to criminal
gangs and share the same problems other minorites in America suffer.
In addition, it has been the frequent lament of many Asians who have
posted to this forum that they are treated in many ways like
foreigners in their own country. To my way of thinking, the Asian
experience does not constitute a story of success, but merely another
sad chapter in America's racist treatment of non- whites.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
S.F. black, male <sfinley@wans.net>, Naperville , IL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are so many
iassumptions in your question that it is difficult to respond without
addressing them. First, you assume that all, or at least an
overwhelming majority of Asians, are as prosperous as you evidently
are. Doubtful. Second, by tracing the history of each "group," you
will find that each has followed a different path to reach its
current state in the socioeconomic quilt of America. In other words,
you are ethnically and racially comparing apples to oranges. For
example, few African Americans have any cultural ties to the Africa
from which the bulk of their ancestry was kidnapped. Legal
immigration for Africans was forbidden by federal law until the mid
1960s, and much of the original slaves' culture was "reeducated" away
from successive generations. This cultural isolation created a
minority group left totally at the social and political whim of the
dominant culture.
Read up on slavery and Jim Crow (and
his unnamed Northern cousin), and hopefully you'll begin to see the
bigger picture. Quite different, I'm sure, from the history of most
Asian immigrants. In spite of our respective histories of facing
racism and bigotry in the United States, however, members of any
particular group still can point to many success stories from among
their ranks. Those are the examples that we all must find ways to
follow.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Sam, 30, male, brown American <SamAlex67@aol.com>, Chicago, Il
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Because some Asians have
become successful does not imply the non-existence of racism. Another
valid perspective is that they have prospered in the face
of racism. Consider the Chinese Exclusion Act, Japanese American
internment, etc., and tell me that Asians haven't confronted racism
in the starkest terms. Also, telling other minorities to "follow the
Asian example" is comparing apples with oranges. Blacks and Hispanics
have different backgrounds and historical legacies. For one thing,
the typical Asian immigrant today is not the same as the average
Latin American immigrant. Lastly, implying that all Asians are
successful is off the mark - many Asian communities are
struggling.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Ray, 24, Asian American male <yangban@erols.com>, Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
What do you mean by success?
And what kinds of Asians are you talking about? Many people have the
stereotype that all Asians are doing well and "successful" in this
country, but that is not the case. Many Asian Americans do well in
school, but that is not the only indicator of success, since they are
underrepresented in many leadership and corporate positions. Also,
many Southeast Asian or recent immigrant Asian groups have
encountered much racism and discrimination. It is a much more complex
question than you have presented when you really look at the issues
and how our society defines "success."
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Corinne, 30, Japanese American female <ckodama@deans.umd.edu>, College Park, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I agree with several other
posters that not all Asians in the United States have enjoyed
racism-free experiences. The Twin Cities are home to a large Hmong
immigrant community that has suffered a good deal of racism. A
controversy erupted recently when a local radio morning show joked
about a 13-year-old Hmong rape victim who killed her newborn baby.
The DJs mocked Hmong customs, and in response to the girl's mother's
comment that assimilation had been difficult for the family, one of
the DJs said, "Assimilate or hit the goddamn road." A protest group
was formed and demanded an apology by the station, which finally did
apologize after major advertisers pulled their sponsorships. Happily,
many non-Hmong Minnesotans shared the Hmong group's outrage about the
comments, but others accused the Hmong of having thin skin, or
expressed approval of the racist sentiments.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Rhiannon, 28, white female <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis , MN
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
A person's place in society
is largely dependent on where that person wants it to be. I hear all
of these complaints about how racist America is. If that were true,
then no one from the "oppressed groups" could ever get ahead. In this
society, we see members of all groups that are successful. We live in
a very competitive society. Society does not wait around for you to
feel sorry for yourself; it goes on without you. Too many people are
looking for an easy way, and there has never been a substitute for
hard work and education. Very few people outwork the Asians in this
country that I have known. This is a credit to them and their
culture.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Jas, white, straight male, Norcross, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
As an African American whose
ancestors have been here for generations and have been systematically
kept out of the American dream, I find your question, however
well-meaning, somewhat insulting. While it may be true that some
segment of the Asian population is doing well, I doubt very much that
the entire Asian population should be held up as the model for the
rest of us to follow. The black experience in America is different
from that of other ethnic minorities. We are still recovering from
the many devastating aspects of slavery. Meanwhile, discrimation is
still rampant in this society, and I doubt many would disagree that
black folks are still the hardest hit. While you may have come to the
land of milk and honey to prosper, some of us are still trying to
recover from 400 years of slavery.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Gerry, African America, Boston, MA
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THE QUESTION:
C11: What does it mean when
someone ties their shoes together by the laces and then throws them
over a power line? I've seen shoes dangling on power lines in movies
and around town, generally in low-income neighborhoods.
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
Jodi, 25, white female, Houston, TX
ANSWER 1:
I have seen the same thing,
with one exception. I have seen multiple pairs of shoes tied together
and thrown in a tree. It is quite noticeable this time of year in
Michigan. One theory I heard is that it is a marker for gang
territory. I'd also like to hear more from anyone who is more
educated on the subject.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Patrick, 27, white male <hawkstu@juno.com>, Wixom , MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
This is a classic nasty prank
pulled by bullies in upscale suburbs as well as lower-income
neighborhoods. The bully humiliates the victim by taking the sneakers
and flinging them where they are irretrievable and stand out as a
monument to the bully's dominance.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
B. Hale, <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford , CT
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The tying of tennis shoes
together in my community is done to memorialize a dead youth. The
shoes are then thrown over a power line in the youth's "Hood."
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
African American <drena7@yahoo.com>, Baltimore , MD
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I heard a rumor about the
sneakers being a sign of gang territory and drug deals. In my city, I
see it more often near the beach than anywhere else. Whatever the
case, it certainly is an eyesore.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Cassandra 29, white female, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a person who lives in a
city with a huge drug problem, I can say quite confidently that the
tied shoes or sneakers on power lines, trees, etc. mean that this is
a place to get drugs.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Kevin H., male, 42 <kevin@javanet.com>, Holyoke , Ma
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THE QUESTION:
R597: I work with an Asian man
who makes slurping and other noises while working. It has become very
disruptive to me, but how do I tell him to stop when I can't even
describe what's bothering me? Would it be very offensive to ask him
to stop making all these strange noises?
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
29, Caucasian, New York, NY
ANSWER 1:
A lot of men from Asia seem
to make slurping noises, etc., when they eat - my immigrant father
does. I've tried telling him to stop, but it's totally a cultural
difference that is hard to bridge. He's just too used to doing it. I
suppose he thinks I'm too quiet when I eat. If it bothers you, either
politely talk to him about it or leave the room.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Ray, 24, Asian American <yangban@erols.com>, Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think the noisemaking comes
from a certain personality type that likes the vibrating sensation,
rather than for cultural reasons. I'm Chinese, and I've known both
whites and Chinese who have made all kinds of distracting noises at
work, from Three Stooges noises to humming. Let him know that his
outbursts break your train of thought. You may need to ask him to
restrain himself more than once. Don't get upset if you do ask
him.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Mike, Chinese male <leungm@ix.netcom.com>, Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would not assume that your
friend will be offended if you explain to him the etiquette of the
society he lives in. I lived in Asia, and I became a "slurper,"
learning a new way to enjoy some excellent food. When I'm
in the company of my Japanese friends, I ravenously inhale my soup.
But with fellow Americans, I restrain that impulse. Your friend, if
he has basic decency, will probably begin to do the same. Also know
that I was actually happy to be corrected when my Western behavior
clashed with local expectations, because it gave me the chance to
consider making an adaptation. Sometimes these cultural habits are so
subtle that we don't notice them on our own. But as your annoyance
with the slurping sound indicates, they can mean a lot to some
people. Your friend may be grateful to be taught that slurping is
considered ill-mannered in this society.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Parker, 36, white male <sparker@neptune.net>, Orange County, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don't think he will take
offense if you ask him nicely. By the way, what kind of work are you
engaged in? Asians do not always make noices when working, except
perhaps grunting in manual labor.
POSTED FEB. 8, 1999
Echo, 14 <brightex@hotmail.com>, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
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