Best of the Week
of Feb. 17, 2002
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Feb. 17, 2002, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s database using the search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as
well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will
find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
The book
on Y? is here!
"Why Do White People Smell Like Wet
Dogs
When They Come Out Of The Rain?"
Order it here!
Read the
Associated Press story on "Wet Dogs"
Question:
At 76, I have struggled for most of my years to free myself of
prejudice, but still find nasty vestiges buried deeply inside. Reared
in a small Southern town and on a farm that employed black field
workers, I accepted strict segregation and all the rest as the
'natural order' of things. As I began to see the wrongness, the
internal war was joined. I believe I've made much progress, but now
doubt I'll ever get all the way. To black readers: Given the nature
of humanity, can eradicating prejudice ever be achieved, and if so,
will it bring the utopia so earnestly promised?
POSTED 2/18/2002
Art D., Morganton, NC, United States, 76, Male, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Retired, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 217200242032
Responses:
I've come to realize that people will continue to be prejudiced
as long as one person believes he is better than the other in some
way. We all have some sort of prejudice. Some of us just express it
more. All we can do is pray about it, do what we can and give the
rest to God when those situations arise. I believe the only time
there will be no prejudice is in Heaven. I commend you for wanting to
change something about yourself that you don't like. Many people do
realize things like this but feel they are powerless to do anything
about it.
POSTED 2/20/2002
J. Hector, Tyler, TX, United States, 19, Female, Methodist,
Black/African American, Straight, Student, 2 Years of College, Lower
class, Mesg ID 218200264935
I do not feel prejudice can be defeated. Given our human nature,
history, psychological profile ... utopia denied. Besides, consider
all the things one could be prejudiced about: eye color, hair
texture, voice inflections... All of these things one could alter or
modify. Skin pigmentation? Besides, it's just too easy to target the
color of one's skin. I have hope, however. I know that true change
begins in me. It is a constant, daily struggle, and I believe in the
power of one.
POSTED 2/20/2002
N.F., Hampton, VA, United States, 47, Male, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 218200294443
The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was, there
is no perfect being but Jesus. Granted, that's based on my own
beliefs, and they may not work for you, but whenever I find myself
sucking my teeth at someone else's foibles, I try to remember that I
am subject to the same judgment that I mete out to others. My belief
system also tells me that my God is tremendously merciful and doesn't
expect perfection from me. He expects me to try. That's all. That
said, Art, I don't know whether prejudice can be eradicated, nor am I
sure that that's what's most important. That is, as a black person, I
don't care as much what any given non-black person thinks of my
blackness as I do about how their beliefs cause them to behave. One
could posit that it's nearly impossible not to act on judgments we
make about people and situations (keep in mind that white people
don't have the corner on the market of prejudice - it's a human
thing). However, I feel that all that anyone can ask of another human
being is that they grapple with these issues. You seem like a person
of goodwill. That is tremendously valuable. Maybe you should
concentrate on the journey rather than the destination. That is,
don't stake the success or failure of your journey to eradicate
prejudice within yourself on whether you feel you've achieved it. Try
to concentrate on whether you will still try, whether you can ever
say you have no prejudice within you at all. If you can say you will
try and keep trying, well, you are a better man than many, regardless
of ethnicity.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Jennifer, St. Paul, MN, United States, 31, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Non-Profit, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 219200235524
Racism cannot be wiped out because it's too deeply rooted in human
nature. The only thing that we can do is try to recognize that we
aren't perfect, try our best to rise above our petty prejudices and
try to see each other as people. Remember that everyone is an
individual and can't be lumped into categories.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Sherman, Richmond, CA, United States, <SJACK916@AOL.COM>,
33, Male, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, contractor,
Technical School, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 220200273157
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
For all of the things Jews went through over the past 50 years,
why is it that so many of them purchase German products, especially
cars - i.e. Mercedes or Audis or BMWs? It just does not make sense to
me, and as an aside, when I was in Israel, I could not understand why
all the buses were Mercedes until I inquired and found out that it
was German reparations for their behavior.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Stephen N., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, Male, Mesg ID
2192002102748
Responses:
Perhaps Jews believe that German products are superior to
American (i.e. Europeans being more sophisticated). Millions of
Chinese died at the hands of the Japanese during World War II, yet I
can guarentee you that many Chinese people own Japanese rice cookers
and cars.
POSTED 2/20/2002
C.C., Somewhere in Canada, NA, Canada, 22, Female, Asian, Student,
4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 220200275150
I remember that my father would never buy a German product. For
that matter, he would never buy a Ford product because Henry Ford was
a notorious anti-semite. But in my opinion, and obviously in the
opinion of the government of Israel, things have changed. The German
government has paid reparations to the victims of the Holocaust, and
to the State of Israel. It has established a true democracy and seems
to uphold democratic ideals. Virtually all of those who could have
been considered war criminals have already died, and the few
survivors are aged, toothless wrecks. So the question arises: how
long do you punish anyone for crimes committed by their parents and
grandparents? At some time they have to be re-admitted to the
community of decent people. It appears that enough is enough.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Gerald T., Tampa, FL, United States, 68, Male, Jewish, Over 4
Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 220200282706
I think it is wrong to punish someone because of what their
parents, or in this case, grandparents and great-grandparents, did.
The German government has gone to a great effort to make reparations
to Israel and Jews as a whole, contributing a great deal to the
Israeli economy and military as well as providing an incredible
amount of political support. We will never forget what the Germans
did, but that is not what they DO.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Alex, Beloit, WI, United States, 18, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Student, High School Diploma, Mesg ID 2202002123812
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do girls let a guy think they like them if they don't?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Eliezer, Middletown, CT, United States,
<goldinboy3@hotmail.com>, 17, Male, Catholic, Hispanic/Latino,
Straight, Less than High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
25200281217
Responses:
In my experience, guys almost always misconstrue friendliness for
interest. So it has not been that I have ever intentionally 'let guys
think that (I) like them if (I) don't,' but moreso them thinking that
I like them and being weird when they find out I have no interest in
them other than friendship. Any female intentionally attempting to
make a guy think she likes him is probably insecure and looking for
attention or validation. Has this happened to you? What were the
circumstances?
POSTED 2/7/2002
Jay, New York, NY, United States, , Female, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 26200253405
That girl who answered is fooling herself and you. Usually that's
not the case at all. Truth is, we like the flattery and love the
attention. It boosts our ego to know that a guy will jump at the
chance to be with us. Lots of times we have other motives, like being
let into clubs by bouncers and club owners, getting put on the guest
lists by bands, and having male friends who will protect us in club
and party situations when we might get too drunk or have led OTHER
men on who are not as in control. Plus, let's face it, there are
plenty of dumb and desperate guys who will pay a girl's way for food,
drinks, parties, sometimes even a place to live, all just for the
very slightest outside chance that a girl might change her mind and
let you in her pants. I know being a tease has paid off for me very
well, and it's paid off for most attractive women I know. It gets me
out of traffic tickets, gets my teachers to give me higher grades,
and makes my life so much easier than women who don't have my looks.
And as long as there are men out there who are dumb and desperate,
why change? I'll give you the same advice I gave a very sweet guy who
never had a chance with me but kept making a fool of himself for
months on end: quit being such a sucker. The moment a girl treats you
badly, teases you or leads you on and uses you in any way, walk away
and don't look back. Until you do that, we have no reason to respect
you until you stand up for yourself and quit being a doormat. Then,
believe it or not, you actually WILL have a chance with more of us.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Sheryll, Mobile, AL, United States, 23, Female, Asian, Mesg ID
216200215913
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
The book titled 'Why do white people smell like wet dogs' is a
racist slur! How would the author like it if I wrote a book titled,
'Black people smell like wet monkeys when they come out of the
rain'?
POSTED 2/19/2002
Dan C., Omaha, NE, United States, Male, Mesg ID
216200271244
Responses:
I find it ironic that on a web site dedicated to developing
understanding between the races and sexes that they feature a book
with such a title. To respond to the original question, I believe
there would be more of an upheaval than what white people are making
about this book.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Mark L., St. Louis, MO, United States, Male, Mesg ID
220200211806
Yeah, that title is a racist slur, but who's to say that a black
person wrote it? You seem more interested in trying to start some
mess rather than ask a question. That's why this is called a forum, a
place where you ask questions. I'm sure that whoever the author is
didn't intend for that title to offend, although it does. By the way,
if you know what wet monkeys smell like, then either you're a zoo
keeper or an animal trainer.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Marco, Chicago, IL, United States, 27, Male, Black/African
American, Library Assistant, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
220200273010
You are right, that is a racist slur, but why is it surprising to
you to find out that black people can be just as racist as white
people? Whites do not have a monopoly on hatred or intolerance, but
if that offends you, at least you can get a small feeling of the
racism that minorities have had to suffer over the years.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Sherman, Richmond, CA, United States, <SJACK916@AOL.COM>,
33, Male, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, contractor,
Technical School, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 220200274135
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
If the three firefighters in the famous World Trade Center
picture, raising the American flag, had been black and their race was
changed for any reason, how do you think African Americans would have
reacted? Tell the truth.
POSTED 2/19/2002
William, Cola, SC, United States, 38, Male, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, sales, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 2182002100629
Responses:
Why can't the three guys who actually raised it, who just
happened to be white, be memorialized truthfully? What's so damned
evil about being white? I feel like I'm being erased in the rush to
be PC. Is it politically incorrect to just be white? Is that a crime?
"Living while being white"?
POSTED 2/20/2002
katfish, Montevallo, AL, United States, Mesg ID 220200285220
If all three firefighters had been black, I very much doubt anyone
would have wanted to change it, outside of some hardcore white
racists. Remember the flag-raising at Iwo Jima during World War II?
When the American public found out one of them was a Pima Indian
named Ira Hayes, most whites were fascinated and took this as a
hopeful sign of America's inclusion of native people. Hayes was
treated like a hero and widely welcomed in speaking tours all across
the United States that raised funds for war bonds. If the
firefighters had been black, I have no doubt they would have
similarly been asked to speak all over the country and help raise
funds for worthy causes by both black organizations and those aiding
disaster relief. There might have been a few people grumbling, 'Yeah,
it's only cuz they're black, how typical,' but they would have been
in the minority. What I think has been missing from the discussion
is: Why were there only white firefighters raising the flag? New York
is not exactly short of non-whites, but apparently their Fire
Department is virtually whites-only. It seems like people complaining
about the change are mostly whites who are resentful or fearful of
non-whites. It also seems to me that some people found the image more
heroic precisely because the firefighters were white.
POSTED 2/20/2002
A.C.C., Phoenix, AZ, United States, Male, Mexican and American
Indian, Mesg ID 220200210256
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I never in my life had heard of women of different races dating
each other until I encountered a female of another race who admitted
her growing attraction for me. Is this taboo?
POSTED 2/18/2002
Shavonne H., New York, NY, United States,
<xouniquestar@aol.com>, 34, Female, Baptist, black native
american, Straight, financial services, 2 Years of College, Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 2172002115437
Responses:
I think this has more to do with geography than sexual
orientation. I live in an area where interracial relationships are
common, as are gays and lesbians. As a result, I have seen many
interracial lesbian couples. If you live in an area where there
aren't a lot of interracial couples or lesbians, it makes sense that
there won't be many interracial lesbian couples.
POSTED 2/20/2002
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 27, Female, Engineer, 4 Years
of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 218200214324
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Do all men get the urge to rape? And if you don't really see
women as sex objects, why do you watch so much porn?
POSTED 2/6/2002
Melanie, Tacoma, WA, United States, 17, Female, Mesg ID
242002113832
Responses:
Not all men get the urge to rape. For me personally, an unwilling
partner is a major turn-off. Men who view a lot of pornography do see
women as sex objects, whether they will admit it or not. This is
because the sole purpose of pornography is to arouse men. Men who
frequently indulge in pornography eventually begin thinking that
sexual interest is the sole purpose of not only pornography, but
women in general. A man in this condition is not capable of looking
at a woman without deciding whether or not she would look good naked.
There are men who do not view pornography and have a healthy attitude
toward women, and understand that women are valuable individuals.
Anyone who tries to defend a rapist by arguing that it's just part of
male nature is either misinformed or lying.
POSTED 2/11/2002
Steve, Nashua, NH, United States, 30, Male, Mormon,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 211200260627
I can only speak for myself. I can honestly say that I have never
had the urge to rape a woman. I am married and am attracted to my
wife as well as other attractive women. My sex drive is most often
driven by aesthetically pleasing female forms or sexually-related
conversation. That is not to say, however, that I would force a woman
to have sexual contact with me. I believe it is a matter of
individual impulse control.
POSTED 2/13/2002
John B., Dallas, TX, United States, 27, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Sales and marketing, 2 Years of College,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 2132002101021
First, not all men get the urge to rape. I abhor the thought of
such predation. I'm not a violent person, but I have imagined wanting
to do violence to any man who does this to a woman. What most people
DO have is a desire for at least a certain degree of control of
others. I think rape happens when someone becomes fixated on this
control, to the point of becoming neurotic. Personally, I can't
sexually function with an unenthusiastic partner, so the thought of
rape has no appeal to me (to say the least). With regard to your
second question, I think nearly all men see women as sex objects.
Certainly, I do this. Now, stay with me here, I DON'T see women ONLY
as sex objects. I have many women friends, and don't think much about
their sexuality when we're together. I think some about it, but not
at the expense of everything else. I can feel affection for a woman
without wanting to have sex with her. I have reported to women in the
workplace, and find myself more motivated working for a woman than
most men I've worked for. I can feel sexually attracted to a woman
who does not seem to feel the same about me, and still get along well
with her. I have no problem confiding this feeling to her, or just
avoiding the subject altogether if I've gathered that she would be
uneasy with the subject. Usually, it's the latter. If there's a curse
to being a male, it's probably the frustration resulting from the
ratio of 'potential' sexual partners to the number of actual sexual
partners. With regard to porn, I do watch it and am not sure why.
It's probably a misguided attempt to satisfy a desire, maybe similar
to overeating. I think it can reinforce the notion that women are
only sex objects, but I doubt it creates that notion. I've noticed
that my interest in watching it diminishes as I interact more with
women professionally. I know porn is highly offensive to most women,
and can only repeat that my desire to watch it does not mean that I
think of women only as sex objects.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Stuart S., Austin, TX, United States, 47, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, IT Professional, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 2132002103736
I have never had the urge to rape anyone. I doubt I am in the
minority. Just like women report having cozy 'rape' fantasies, men do
to. This is a far cry from acting on them. I don't think men see
women merely as sex objects any more than women just see men as
'paycheck' objects. These are stereotypes. Sometimes you want to read
a book, sometimes you want to play golf, and some times you want to
see a woman doing nasty things. If a live woman is unavailable or
unobliging, porn is an acceptable alternative. This does not mean
that this is the only thing you value in the opposite sex, it is just
one aspect.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 45, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Cubicle Dweller, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class, Mesg
ID 211200254942
I do not get the urge to rape and don't know any men who do. While
I do enjoy energetic sex, the idea of anything sexual with an
unwilling partner disgusts me. I do admit I enjoy porn, but it is not
because I see women as sex objects. I enjoy porn because I have
sexual urges and am currently without a partner, and it is a healthy
way to deal with sexual frustration.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Alex, Beloit, WI, United States, 18, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Student, High School Diploma, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 2112002123651
I don't think most men have the natural urge to rape. It is so
repulsive, and I would think to some extent demeaning, to a man. Why
would he have to force a woman to have sex with him? If he is really
hot and manly, the woman should want to have sex with him. Even in
porn (at least mainstream American porn), usually rape is not
depicted. There may be scenes of 'gang-bangs' when several men at
once have their turn with a woman, but usually she is a more than
willing participant. I think men do want women to enjoy them
sexually. There are probably cases of odd fantasies or what not, but
I'm sure there are underlying psychological or emotional reasons that
cause those types of desires. But I don't see the sin in acting out a
'rape fantasy' if the woman is a willing participant and no violence
is involved; I guess if it's done as a roleplaying situation that's
play and not reality, it's OK. To answer the other part of your
question: yes, men do see women as sex objects. This is very apparent
in every media. It's always the woman who has to be alluring and
sensual to the man. But this is a natural expression of a man's
psyche; they are more physical than women. I don't think they should
really be faulted for feeling that way, just like women shouldn't be
faulted for wanting to get married or have children.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 211200251000
As a 27-year veteran of the male gender, I'm proud to announce
that I've never had the 'urge' to rape anybody, and I'm quite
confident I never will. The fact that some men rape women does not
mean all men want to. The same holds true for pornography. Yes, it's
a huge business, and millions of men view pornographic material
regularly (women do this, too), but that doesn't necessarily mean
that all men view all women as sex objects. There are good and bad
people. Those who rape women (or men, children, animals, etc.) belong
in the 'bad' category, but don't lump the rest of us in there, too.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Brian, Spokane, WA, United States, Male, Mesg ID 212200244043
I've never had the urge to rape. I HAVE had the urge to have sex
with women I don't know, all of whom would presumably decline my
advances. The urge, however, isn't about consent or anything as
logical and civilized as that. In me, it seems born of this primal
longing to have her, the physical part of her. Hardcore porn is
actually boring to me. On the other hand, I can get gripped by a
Victoria Secret's catalog for an hour, easy. I'm ashamed of this. I
know I'm objectifying a real human being when I eat up their photos
with my eyes, and I feel less connected to myself afterward. I know I
occasionally objectify women like this, and not only in magazines.
Sometimes I catch myself and stop it, other times it gets all
confused with the healthy pleasure of looking at someone attractive.
POSTED 2/18/2002
Mike, Portland, ME, United States, 32, Male, Unitarian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 218200285655
I certainly don't get the urge to rape; if anything, most of my
fantasies revolve around being seduced. As for porn, there are plenty
of women who watch it - I don't think it has anything to do with
rape, or even with seeing women as sex objects. My wife has more of
an appetite for 'dirty movies' than I do; she likes to watch them
with me as a prelude to sex between us.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, 53, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 215200230508
Your question speaks of much hostility toward men. I hope that you
are not a victim of sexual assault, but it is likely that you are. To
assume that most or all men rape, which is inherent in your question,
is pretty misanthropic. Porn comes in many flavors, and some of it is
patently violent and misogonystic. Porn may also be made by and for
gays and lesbians, or at least not denigrate women, e.g. Yellow Silk.
In a recent New York Times article on the porn industry, it was
revealed that the porn industry is absolutely huge. That doesn't make
it good, but when you stop and consider that it is bigger than the
non-porn film industry, bigger than the NBA, NFL and NHL combined,
that's a lot of people. They are not all perverts. Many are women and
couples, too. Men and women may both see one another as sexual
objects from time to time. Lighten up and take it easy on yourself
and the other sex.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Nice guy, Boston, MA, United States, 21, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, student, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 215200281855
The vast majority of men don't rape, probably greater than 99
percent. Sex, yes; rape, no. An unwilling partner is a total turnoff
for most of us. Rapists are defective mentally, emotionally and
perhaps genetically as well. Your second question is entirely
different, with an incorrect assumption built in. Porn is simply fun,
exciting entertainment for most viewers. Degradation and moral issues
aside, which I happen to agree with, porn is no different than
watching soap operas, WWF, bad TV sitcoms, teen movies, etc. I's just
fun, low-class, predictable entertainment based on a proven formula:
voyeurism/insults/violence/embarassing situations.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Ken L., Cupertino, CA, United States, 43, Male, Atheist, Asian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class, Mesg ID
213200295036
Some men may have rape fantasies, but few act them out. Iit takes
a level of frustration and anger that few men possess. The second
question is easier. The answer is that men do indeed see women as sex
objects, because that's what they are. Women are human beings and as
multifaceted as anyone, but whatever else we are, as women or men, we
are also sex objects. It's not a good idea to forget that a sex
object is also a person, but for all that, women (and men) are sex
objects. As for porn, it excites the imagination and stimulates the
libido.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Walter, Orlando, FL, United States, 44, Male, Christian, 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 213200295311
From the responses so far, by now you know that very few men, on a
percentage basis, feel the urge to rape, and I'm another who doesn't.
But of course we think of you as sex objects! What are we supposed to
think of? Wall sockets? Tangerines? Coffee cups? No, when I think
about sex, the object I have in mind is a woman who doesn't object.
(Get it? Little play on words, there.) Where many men go wrong is in
thinking of them as ONLY sex objects. More highly evolved men
recognize that, in addition to their delightful potential as sex
partners, women are also capable of all the things men are. As for
porn, most men are easily stimulated by the visual, whereas (I hear)
most of you women like a good romance novel.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Craig C., Racine, WI, United States, <mjc613@cs.com>, 50,
Male, Atheist, High School Diploma, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
214200272435
Because I am male and have not had the urge to rape, no, all men
do not get the urge to rape. Porn is fun because sex is fun. I don't
see that whether we think of women as sex objects (we all don't) has
anything to do with watching porn. There is no cause and effect here.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Bill, Huntsville, AL, United States, 33, Male, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, programmer, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 214200291713
You've really got two questions here. The first, about the urge to
rape, is one I can't answer. I'm not all men, and I've never had such
an urge. Rape isn't really about sex, anyway - it's more about power.
Now the porn thing. I used to work in a porn shop, and like any other
business, 20 percent of the customers generated 80 percent of the
revenue. As for the 80 percent of customers, most guys like porn
because it's masturbational fast food, plain and simple. Men consume
more porn (and by porn I'm referring to video and print, not books
and other more 'sophisticated' media) because they're more visually
stimulated than women. I'm generalizing here, but that's my sound
bite on it.
POSTED 2/19/2002
K.T., Omaha, NE, United States, 31, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 2142002101440
Not all men get the urge to rape. Some may get off on the fantasy
of doing it, but that doesn't mean they'd get off on actually doing
it. I'm not even sure rape should be viewed from such a sexual
standpoint. If sex is defined as a sharing of pleasure, rape
certainly doesn't fit this description. It seems to me that rape is
much more about having power over someone else. Yes, sometimes men
see women as sex objects. Hell, sometimes women see men as sex
objects. But that doesn't mean all men see all women as sex objects.
Sure, some men might see all women as sex objects - but the world is
full of sh**ty people and we shouldn't judge a group based on a few
losers. Some women turn themselves into sex objects, like Brittany
Spears. At any rate, just because men may watch porn or view some
women as sex objects, this does not mean they see all women as sex
objects.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Matt, New York, NY, United States, 22, Male, Mesg ID
214200212216
Just as many men find rape repulsive as women do. People watch
porn for many reasons, and not every man does. Most humans are
willing to admit that watching attractive members of your desired
gender engaging in sexual acts is arousing.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Dan, New York, NY, United States, 31, Male, Mesg ID
215200292039
I don't know if I could speak for all men on this for two reasons.
One, I am gay. Two, who can generalize anything like that about
society at large? But this is my guess: First, I doubt any man
actually has the urge to rape - that is, I don't think any man thinks
he wants to sexually assault another person and in the process
commits a crime. But maybe that's semantics. What I think a lot of
men fantasize about is the desire to overpower, and possibly to just
'f**k the hell out of' someone. I think it's fairly common for men to
see someone they desire and just get that
deep-down-in-your-groin-wanna-have-sex-with-em feeling ... straight
or gay. The so-called 'urge to rape' is more of a manifestation of a
sociological/pyschological problem: thinking that a woman or man
wants to be physically/sexually assaulted beyond their control. That
is, the rapist doesn't understand that wanting to overpower someone -
in this case, sexually - is not wanted/desired/etc. Or, if they think
it isn't wanted, they may think the person being raped deserved it or
didn't know they wanted it. That type of urge is rare. And as men's
fragile egos work, when we're turned down, we don't want them more or
to 'teach them a lesson.' We usually just think they suck really bad.
Yet, actually highly desiring to have sex with a stranger (or someone
you know, for that matter) is a totally different ball of wax. I know
most men feel that at least once, if not numerous times, a day.
That's just biology.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Matt, Chicago, IL, United States, 31, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, IT support, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 217200281213
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I am interested to hear views from Germans on how reunification
has affected their lives and how they view their country today. I
also would like to hear from others on their views on Germany. Do you
see it as a 'European super-state' or a bridge between East and
West?
POSTED 2/7/2002
Eleanor T., Birmingham, NA, United Kingdom, 22, Female,
Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 27200245935
Responses:
I hope this will not be too much of a letdown: I lived in Germany
for more than a decade before unification and am living there now,
with a German passport (though I am not ethnically German).
Unification has not affected my life in the least, other than adding
a special subsidy tax to my income, which is supposed to benefit the
East German economy to catch up to the West German (though I reckon
the money ends up in darker, West German political channels). Other
than that, life hasn't changed in the least. The euro has had a far
more dramatic impact on daily life.
POSTED 2/19/2002
T., Munich, NA, Germany, 32, Female, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg
ID 2152002125218
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do black folks riot when they don't get their way?
POSTED 2/19/2002
Dan C., Omaha, NE, United States, Male, Mesg ID
216200285225
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
What is it really like to be addicted to smoking? How do you
feel when you haven't had one for a while? Why do people bother to
light up for a short period of time - like when they won't even have
enough time to smoke a full cigarette? And what makes it so difficult
to quit? Or to not restart? Thanks for your answers - I've never
started so I've never had to stop.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Maggie, Cologne, NA, Germany, 25, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
25200253547
Responses:
Smoking is not only an addiction, it REALLY becomes a habit. I
recently quit and after the first three days, which were an out of
control nightmare, it's the habit that I have to break. When a smoker
first quits, it takes about three full days to purge the nicotine out
of the system. That's the withdrawal. Personally, I couldn't control
my moods. I screamed, cried, swore: it was a temporary case of
extreme manic depression. Small things turned me into a raving
maniac. But after that, I no longer craved the cigarette - I wanted
the habit. Smoking becomes a part of who you are. Do you crack your
nuckles? Bite your fingernails? It becomes part of your daily routine
and it's comforting. And leaving the comfortable is not an easy thing
to do.
POSTED 2/11/2002
Tracy Z., Aliquippa, PA, United States, 37, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Clerical, financial, High School Diploma,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 2112002122327
I wouldn't say all people who smoke are addicted. I smoke one or
two cigarettes at night and when I go out on weekends. I have gone
several days and/or weeks without smoking just because I felt like
it. I think the addiction is more of a nervous habit for a lot of
people, just like biting your fingernails or something like that. I
also think some people just have addictive personalities and can't
control themselves. I smoke because it gives you about 30 seconds of
a light-headed groovy feeling, and then I just go back about my
business. It relaxes you just a little bit.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Steve F., Longview, TX, United States, 30, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 2132002105155
I smoked for more than 20 years before I quit. When I was a
smoker, if I could not get a cigarette, it would make me feel
anxious, almost like stage fright, a queasy feeling, not so much in
my stomach, but between my stomach and lungs. I quit three years ago,
and though I still miss it sometimes, I hope to never smoke again.
POSTED 2/18/2002
Mark, Hartford, MI, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Police Officer, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
217200245013
Smoking feels like more of a habit after a while than it does an
addiction. The act of having a lit cigarette is sometimes more
appealing than actually smoking it. I've lit cigarettes before that
I've taken one or two drags from, but let them burn in my hand until
they were done. Sometimes you just need to take a drag.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Holmes B., Austin, TX, United States, 30, Male, Baptist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Game Designer, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 2142002115128
I've smoked since I was 15 (I'm now 28) and quit more than a year
ago. To answer your first question: for me, not smoking for a period
of time made me extremely irritable. I could not concentrate, because
the only thing on my mind was how to get the next smoke. Once done, I
knew that I had about an hour before the urges started again. Which
is why, even when there is limited time to smoke, I would light up
and immediately crush it out. When I didn't get to have one for a
while, the first thing I noticed was a taste in my mouth that would
not go away. I still have that taste today and can only describe it
as a 'clean' taste. When I quit, it was difficult but not impossible.
The hardest thing was trying not to think about it. I would fidget
and pace until the urge went away, but that taste always remained. I
learned to live with it. I have not restarted, because now cigarette
smoke disgusts me. I get very nauseous, and my chest closes up. It
seems like I have become very sensitive to it, and have a hard time
going to clubs with friends. Other ex-smokers have relayed the same
thing. The most adamant anti-smokers probably smoked at one point in
their life and understand.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Ryan M., Dallas, TX, United States, 28, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 214200231231
I smoked for a few years, and though I haven't had a cigarette for
about two years, the temptation is always there, even though I know
smoking is not good for me. My father had problems with depression,
and he was a chain smoker. I think I know why: Cigarettes lifted his
depression. They do the same for me. Smoking was a quick and easy
'fix' that was legal and didn't require a prescription. I suspect
that to some extent, the same is true for people who are not
clinically depressed. Cigarettes give you a lift, and they appeal to
a powerful part of the brain that doesn't care whether you're doing
something that's ultimately self-destructive.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Elliott, Dallas, TX, United States, 37, Male, Black/African
American, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
2152002123824
For one thing, cigarettes are physically addictive. But what
really makes it difficult is that they are psychologically addictive.
They fulfill many functions: They are a timing device (one more
cigarette, then I have to hang up or go walk the dog); they give you
a social barrier -something to do with your hands in awkward
situations; they become wired up with other things - a cup of coffee,
a beer, after a meal, getting into a car, etc. So these things come
to feel incomplete without the cigarette; they can also become wired
up with activities, such as writing or thinking. They function as a
bonding device with other smokers. Most important, they take the edge
off strong feelings like anger or stress, and going without them puts
such feelings into an uncomfortably high focus, which is why even
that puff or two can help. Thus, they become woven deeply into the
fabric of one's life. I've heard it said many times that quitting
heroin is easier. Many also claim the urge never completely goes
away. I was once talking with a man who'd quit for 10 years, and in
the course of the conversation, he quite unconsciously picked up
someone else's cigarette from the ashtray and started smoking it
without even being aware of what he was doing. People restart because
for many, the urge never completely goes away.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Lynne, Hartford, CT, United States, 60, Female, 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 2152002125927
I remember wondering the same things before I smoked, and yet it
is not easy to answer now that I have. The first time I began to get
cravings, I didn't immediately recognize the feelings. I felt
somewhat anxious and agitated, but the rush from the first drag would
clear that all up. The addiction is primarily a function of nicotine,
as most everyone knows, but the reason people will smoke even when
they know they can't finish the cigarette is more related to the
habit. There is a ritual to smoking - how you open the pack (ever
notice how some people pound the pack against their palm to pack the
tobacco), how you hold the cigarette, how you light it (matches?
Zippo? Bic?), how you inhale/exhale -and after awhile the ritual
itself can be as comforting as the drug. I smoked in high school, and
when late-afternoon cravings hit during class, I could stave them off
by mimicking a smoke with my ballpoint pen. I can't really answer the
last questions, beyond saying you get cravings. You know you won't
feel comfortable until you smoke one. Over time, this feeling
lessens, but you always remember how you felt better after that drag.
I 'quit' several times before finally smoking my last butt several
years ago. Each time, some trigger (often alcohol) would make me
smoke 'just one' and before I knew it I'd be back to the level I had
been. In the end, I quit because I felt worse after smoking than
before. I don't know if I have an acute sensitivity, or if a mental
mechanism kicked in to fool my body into quitting, or what, but I'm
not sure I would have been successful quitting without it. At your
age, you've made it past when most smokers start, so I probably don't
have to tell you this, but don't start. Once you get past the taste
and smell, smoking gives you a little drug-induced lift; later, when
you are addicted, the lift is less and doesn't last, but you still
need the nicotine. It ain't worth it.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Keith B., Austin, TX, United States, 34, Male, Taoist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, arborist, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 212200273111
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Are there certain types of recurring dreams that are common to
people? I ask this because ever since I could remember I would have
weird dreams about having shattered or severely chipped teeth. The
emotions felt during the dream were an intense fear and a feeling
that I would be perceived as unattractive and weird to the world. I
asked others if they had dreams such as this, and to my amazement
they said yes, especially my father. I have no explanation of why I
(and maybe a few others) have this type of recurring dream. And I
don't think it has to do with my dental health, because my teeth are
pretty healthy - in fact, I've never had a cavity. The dream seems to
release some innate fear I have, and I just don't know what it is. If
anybody else has had this type of situation, or if maybe there is a
psychiatrist cycling through here, any comments would be greatly
appreciated.
POSTED 1/15/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 112200253507
Responses:
I have to admit that on occasion I do have worrisome dreams about
losing or chipping my teeth. But at least in my case, I've always
been really anal and careful about my teeth. I'm one of the few
people I know who actually loves going to the dentist! But ever
since, say, elementary school, I've always been worried about losing
my teeth. I don't know. It's just that once you lose your permanent
teeth, you'll never get them back. So I occasionally worry about
getting hit in the face with a door, or accidentally biting down hard
on a metal utensil, and of course I dreaded cavities. The last thing
I want to happen is to be wearing dentures by the time I'm 30 (no
offense to anyone who does have them, of course). But I guess some of
my fears are a bit anachronistic. I recently did have a cavity (a
small one, I still have my tooth!). I always really worried because I
still kinda remember the days when they used mercury fillings and you
got stuck with a mouth full of metal for the rest of your life! But
it turns out that now they have really good fillings that are pretty
much undetectable, so that was a relief. So I'm not sure if I've
exactly answered your question, but rest assured that there are other
people who care about and worry about their teeth! =)
POSTED 2/6/2002
Eric, Chicago, IL, United States, 20, Male, Religiously
independent, Straight, Student, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 115200273614
For years I have had a recurring dream, from time to time, with
the same general theme: it is near the end of a semester in college,
and I either have a term paper due the next day that I haven't
started writing yet, there is a class I'm enrolled in but have never
attended (and am therefore going to flunk), or some such thing. I
finally figured out that this dream is the result of subconscious
guilt over not having taken college seriously enough. By most
standards I was an excellent student, but there were books I was
supposed to read that I didn't (I took really detailed notes in
class), and I could have written outstanding term papers over a
semester rather than whipping out 'three-day wonders' at the end of
the term. (By the way, I never cheated, not even once.) My advice to
students: no matter how smart you think you are, don't take the high
road, follow both the letter and the spirit of what the class
requires, and work with your professor throughout the semester to
make sure you're getting the most you can out of the class.
Thankfully, learning is a lifelong process, and you can always make
up for slacking off in college by later reading and study (as I have
done), but why invest all that time and money if you're not going to
maximize what the experience has to offer? And if you don't want to
be there, take a break, get some life experience and make room for
someone who does want to be there.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 122200251219
I think your dream means there is pain and fragility in your life.
You are suffering from inner doubt about whatever ... I don't know,
but you must find out what is bugging you right now and sort it out.
POSTED 2/6/2002
Andy G., Berlin, NA, Germany, Male, Mesg ID 25200230705
Bones and teeth are the 'hard' materials making up our bodies.
They give structure and protection to who we are. Teeth are the
'bones that are visible.' It's very possible that these dreams come
when situations in your life feel out of your control (the structure
breaking down) or when you fear others being able to see your
vulnerability. Have you correlated these dreams with any situations
happening in your life at the time?
POSTED 2/19/2002
Nicki K., Shelby Township, MI, United States, 52, Female, Pagan,
White/Caucasian, Straight, retired, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 213200294757
I think dreams reflect worries that we carry inside. However, I
wouldn't give literal interpretations to them. A book on dream
interpretation might be helpful. I dream frequently that I can fly -
like Peter Pan - but I don't plan on jumping off a roof to test that
ability! I've had the school/not prepared for finals, etc. dream,
too. I think that means you're a conscientious person and have a fear
of failure. I'm still not sure about the tooth dream. Could it be you
are hesitant to speak up about things that are important to you?
POSTED 2/19/2002
Annie D., Atlanta, GA, United States, 50, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, copy editor, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 2132002103307
It's interesting that you should be having a dream that puzzled me
for quite some time. I also had the same dream, though at times my
teeth would actually come out in my hand during the dream. I, too,
have excellent teeth and try to take care of them. Here's what I
discovered: Every time I had the dream, I was silently grinding my
teeth in my sleep. The sensation translated through my subconscious
into my dream and would cause me to imagine I had severely chipped
teeth or exceptionally loose teeth. I did not realize I had a
teeth-grinding problem; most people don't. This is very much like
chronic snorers not realizing they snore. Unlike Sigmund Freud, who
thought that dreams were a reflection or our subconscious, it is now
hypothesized that dreams are your mind's way of processing the huge
amount of data that your brain received that day. If this theory is
true, then that would mean that our dreams are influenced by things
around us as well as things that happen to us. The next time your
dream occurs, make a mental note to check if your jaw or gums are
sore. This is a good sign that you may be grinding your teeth.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Liam, McDonald, NA, Canada, 35, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight,
Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 2132002103938
I have had the same recurring dream for years. However, I also
seriously grind my teeth in my sleep. When I have such a dream, I
assume I was probably grinding my teeth so hard that it was somehow
connected to my dream. My teeth are pretty healthy, but I've never
been able to stop grinding. I think it's just nervous energy.
POSTED 2/19/2002
R.S.M., Oakland, CA, United States, Mesg ID 214200220221
Every couple of years or so after grade school, I would have
dreams of my teeth falling out. Usually I would be in front of a
mirror and would notice that my molars were breaking up, like they
had rotted away. Of course I'd react with dismay, and the dream would
end. I had another one a few months ago. I suspect it has to do with
fear of aging, a sense of impending mortality, maybe even guilt for
not taking good care of myself.
POSTED 2/19/2002
David R., Lawrence, KS, United States, 42, Male, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Sales, Over 4 Years of College, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 211200230600
All through high school and for the first two years of college, I
had many different dreams in which my eyes would be unable to open
all the way and it would inhibit what I was trying to do. Sometimes
when I would wake up, I would expect my eyes to be that way, but they
would obviously be fine. The funny thing (and I don't believe it has
any real correlation) is that ever since I married a man who will
someday be an optometrist, they've stopped.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Carrie J., Provo, UT, United States, 21, Female, White/Caucasian,
2 Years of College, Mesg ID 213200233016
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
What is it that girls have against hairy guys? I can't figure
out what is so disgusting that they would have a total fit about it.
I know not all girls are like this, and I don't mean to generalize,
but I'm just really curious about what the big deal is.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Ed, Des Moines, IA, United States, Male, Mesg ID
22200280958
Responses:
There's nothing wrong with a hairy guy. For me, if you don't have
a hairy chest, beard and mustache, don't bother calling. There's
nothing sexier and more masculine than a man with a hairy chest that
you can run your fingers through.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Beth, Jacksonville, FL, United States,
<b041889@hotmail.com>, 34, Female, Catholic, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Journalist, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
216200282619
I think it's a matter of personal preference (like some people
prefer blondes, some redheads, etc.) Speaking for myself, I don't
like a lot of body hair on a man, but I know some women who think the
more body hair, the better.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Pam, Springfield, MO, United States, 28, Female, White/Caucasian,
4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 2132002111504
First, it depends on what you mean by hairy. Do you mean just
chest hair, or the kind of hairy where you look like you're wearing a
fur coat? As far as the hairy chest, I believe it is just a matter of
preference with women. If you're talking about a lot of hair all
over, I think it might be because when women meet a guy they are
potentially interested in, they start to fantasize about being
intimate with him, what his body looks like, what they look like
making love, etc. You get sweaty when you make love, and for some
women (not all), the thought of a hairy man getting all sweaty all
over them is ... ugh. I don't mean to generalize for all women, but
this is the reason that all the women I know give for not being with
a guy who is hairy. I know it sounds shallow, which it is, because
all that should matter is what's on the inside. But there's a lid for
every pot, and maybe you just haven't found your lid yet.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Lisa, Tyrone, PA, United States, 31, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Straight, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 214200255346
I think it is a socialized notion that body hair is somehow
unhygienic. Men pictured in magazine ads are always smooth-chested or
have minimal hair. I think body hair is nice, so I've always wondered
why people were grossed out about it.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Victoria, Knoxville, TN, United States, 30, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, academic, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 214200210109
I think the reason women don't like hairy guys is the same reason
men don't like hairy women. Women shave their armpits, legs and
bikini area. Hair interferes with the clean lines of the human form,
and it can look and be dirty. I personally wish that men would also
shave their armpits.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Jen, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 31, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, web developer, 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 214200232551
I'll begin my answer with another question: What is it that guys
have against hairy girls? This does go both ways. To be fair, guys
have a lot more surface area for potential hair - chest, back, face,
butt - so the standard being held up is not exactly equal. The amount
or thickness of hair might be more 'offensive' than the mere presence
of it. As a woman who does not have a preference about body hair
either way, I can only speculate as to why some women might have
extreme reactions against it: 1) it might be a grooming issue - body
hair = dirt in someone's mind; 2) it might be tactile - smoothness is
more pleasing; 3) it might be idealistic - how many buff male models
pose shirtless who are not also hairless? What you have observed
might be the flipside to what women experience on a daily basis,
which is being held up to an impossible standard that only a few
actually can attain.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Sheila, Tampa, FL, United States, 30, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
215200284617
In the United States, I believe, it is for the same reason that
men prefer women shave their legs and pits. It's strictly cultural.
POSTED 2/19/2002
V. Andersen, Phoenix, AZ, United States, 53, Female, Buddhist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Computer analyst, 4 Years of College,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 2192002100303
It can generally be said that hair is kind of nasty. I know it
seems impractical for men who have sparse, unchecked hair all over to
shave or wax it all, but male models and actors do it because your
average woman finds that more attractive than sparse, patchy thickets
of body hair. Any complaints that men might have of the fact that a
smooth chest is difficult to upkeep would likely fall upon
unsympathetic ears where women are concerned, for whom the practice
of shaving legs and pits is considered basic upkeep.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Justin, Chicago, IL, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
28200215553
I don't like excessive amounts of any physical feature - I don't
like excessively muscled bodies, or excessively hairy, etc. A
moderate amount of hair is fine. I also find that if I get to know a
person and like them, I stop noticing how much hair, or muscles, or
anything else, they have - even weight sort of fades into
invisibility once I know a person.
POSTED 2/19/2002
K., Austin, TX, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, Over 4
Years of College, Mesg ID 212200294600
When I was a teenager, I thought hairy guys were unnattractive.
But now that I'm a little older and the guys my age are the ones that
are hairy, I find it more attractive. One thought: maybe because
girls spend all their time shaving their legs, waxing their lips,
bleaching their tummies, etc., they're trained to not like hair.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Carrie J., Provo, UT, United States, 21, Female, White/Caucasian,
2 Years of College, Mesg ID 213200233518
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
What causes people to abandon their faith - other than
"switching" for a spouse? Are there certain aspects of religion that
cause some followers to become disillusioned and adopt another faith
or even become atheist or agnostic?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Jay, New York, NY, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, 4
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 25200294756
Responses:
Let me preface this by noting that my comments concern a
Judeo-Christian background (Catholic). I cannot accept the notion of
an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God that allows terrible
things to happen to innocent people. Formally, this is known as the
Problem of Evil. However, I did not reject my upbringing on the basis
of abstract reasoning; rather, I could not bear the immediate sight
of innocent suffering. I realized that I could not feel love or awe
for a deity which could prevent suffering, yet did not choose to do
so. T.S. Elliot put it much more eloquently than I can: 'If you love
someone, you don't want them to suffer. You want to take their
sufferings on yourself. If even I feel this way, why doesn't God?'
POSTED 2/18/2002
Paul J. N., Baton Rouge, LA, United States, 23, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Philosophy graduate student, Over 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 217200281825
For me it was two factors: having been raised Catholic, I
disagreed with may of the Church doctrines and their inflexibility.
In addition, with many religions I see both leaders and adherents
twisting their scriptures to promote agendas of hate and intolerance.
While I no longer consider myself a Christian, I do believe in a
higher power, but I just have not found it necessary to give a name
to him, her or it.
POSTED 2/18/2002
Dave M., Phoenix, AZ, United States, 26, Male, undecided on
religion, White/Caucasian, Straight, sales, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 217200290534
You have used two terms that don't necessarily mean the same
thing: 'faith' and 'religion.' Faith is the belief in a power greater
than oneself (simply stated). Religion is a whole other kettle of
fish. Organized religion is taught; faith is felt. Religion is
divided, i.e. Catholic, Jewish, etc. Faith just is. Once you become
caught up in the various 'teachings' and 'divisions' of religions,
it's no wonder people become disillusioned. Not to mention the
atrocities commited against mankind in the name of religions.
POSTED 2/18/2002
Serene, Chandler, AZ, United States, 43, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Business Owner, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 2182002104714
I very nearly renounced Christianity after becoming involved with
a very controlling, manipulative and sometimes downright abusive
church. They did many hurtful things to me claiming it was for my own
good, and the way they used the Bible to justify what they did made
me wonder if following the Bible really meant following the same evil
they did. In the end, I believe what kept me from leaving was the
realization that while there are too many people who do evil in the
name of God, there are many sincere Christians who focus on
compassion and kindness. If it had not been for some examples I had
known while growing up, it is quite possible I would have been
writing this response from the perspective of someone who is no
longer a Christian. So, I think the prime reason for those who leave
is a saying some cynic whose name eludes me coined long ago: 'The
worst advertisement for religion is its adherents.'
POSTED 2/19/2002
Matt C., Covington, GA, United States, 23, Male, Christian, Mesg
ID 216200285406
It's hard to have faith in a God that leaves you in the hands of a
sexually abusive mother who rents you out to men. Having been abused
as a child is certainly one reason people don't believe.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Jason G., Rockwall, TX, United States, 52, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Post Traumatic Stress, Mgr-Disabled, Over 4
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 217200252348
It was the 'one size fits all' syndrome that turned me away from
religion. It seems that all faiths profess to be the one true faith,
most in a very distasteful 'We know better than you what you should
think' zealotry. I didn't like being treated like a mental defective
who needed detailed instructions from some nebulous source on how to
live my life, feel my emotions and think my thoughts. I came to
prefer a rational, science-based outlook that makes much more sense
to me than some submissive theory of proper behavior. In addition, I
find that the more a religion shouts that it is The One, the more I
disdain and actively promote its demise. In a rational world, we'd
all believe in science and ourselves, not a pack of fairy tales spun
to control us.
POSTED 2/19/2002
L., Honolulu, HI, United States, 44, Female, White/Caucasian,
clerical, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
2182002122414v
I can only speak from my own experience. My father is Jewish and
my mother agreed to raise us in his faith (I don't even know what
religion she was before she met my dad). We all attended temple, and
not long after my two older brothers were bat mitzvahed, my parents
stopped making me go to Saturday school and Hebrew school. Soon, no
one was going, so my sister and I never did get bat mitzvahed. It was
very important to my father to have his sons bar mitzvahed, because
this is what his father would have wanted, had he lived to see the
boys turn 13. Basically, the message I got as a child was it wasn't
important enough for me to finish, maybe because I was female. So I
lost interest in organized religion, and I haven't ever found a
religion that answered all my questions satisfactorily.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Sue, Canoga Park, CA, United States, 36, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 27200224625
I'm an atheist. I realize the benefits of religion. It can teach
so many good morals to people. But too many people get caught up in
thinking that there is one god, and it is theirs. Then they start
discriminating against other religions and people in the name of
their 'God.' Some people get blinded and start acting in opposition
to their religion in their quest to promote their god. Plus,
religious people often think that EVERYTHING about their religion is
right, even stuff they know in their heart is wrong. So they'll take
the good with the bad. I believe in faith, but I don't think I have
to believe in a 'God' to have faith. I really don't know if there is
a god, and I really don't care. I think it's more important to do
what is right than to believe in a god. Those religions like
Christianity, which I grew up in, tend to say that if you do right
your whole life to other people but don't believe in a God, you're
going to hell. That makes no sense to me, and I really doubt there
could be a god like that that could be so cruel. When I explain this
to people who are religious, they ask me why am I good if I don't
have a God to punish me if I'm bad. I respond that the way I act now
affects my happiness on this earth. If I treat others mean, I
certainly get meanness in return.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Yuna, New York, NY, United States, 18, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 213200214614
Many people just wake up to the fact that the only reason they
have a religion in the first place is that it has been taught to them
by their parents and other influences - much in the same way racial
prejudices are taught. If you are told all your life that other races
are inferior, you will most likely believe it, until you start asking
real questions. Then you can make up your own mind. A thought: at one
time everyone thought the earth was flat. Why? Everyone's parents and
teachers told them so.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Gunter V. H., Ottawa, PA, Canada, Mesg ID 213200214137
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I'm a 24-year-old white male who works in a store that deals
with a large number of people on a daily basis. I've noticed that
when I help a black customer who's middle aged or elderly, they're
often very friendly and appreciative, often much moreso than their
white counterparts. However, when I attempt to help a younger black
customer, especially a young man, they're almost always dismissive or
even rude for no apparent reason. Is there an easy answer for the
discrepency?
POSTED 1/31/2002
Ben, Morgantown, WV, United States, 24, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Salesman / Customer Service, Over 4 Years
of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 129200234122
Responses:
Maybe it's because of the almost daily humiliating experience we
go through of being suspected shoplifters and followed around in most
retail outlets. 'Can I help you?' has by now become a trite term for
'What are you planning to take?' The older African Americans probably
have a history of being bullied so much that they have come to accept
it; this is why they're polite, out of conditioning.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Black person, Gotham, CT, , Black/African American, Mesg ID
22200283806
They probably think you are challenging their intelligence by
offering to 'help' them, or they think you are suspicious of them
trying to steal. I see quite a bit of arrogance in some younger black
customers where I work that stems from a mistaken idea that they are
perceived as inferior by all whites, and they think of themselves as
inferior. A lot of young black (and white) males take on a macho
pose, too. Most of the time, if you act normal and respond honestly
and with respect, that 'hostility' will dissipate. Older people in
general are more established and confident about themselves. There
are of course some regional and cultural nuances that have to be delt
with depending on the situation. Also, age might be a drawback in
your case.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Bob, Laurel, MD, United States, 56, Male, White/Caucasian,
customer service, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
22200243256
There is no clear-cut answer for what you have experienced from
the younger black (particularly male) customers. In my retail
experience, I have dealt with quite a few young white, Asian, black,
and Middle Eastern (male and female) customers who were quite rude
and dismissive, even though I was very courteous and attentive to
them. Bad manners are present in all races, and I'm sure that many
people in the retail industry can attest to that. It's unfortunate
that you had to deal with a few bad apples that happened to be black,
but please do not think that almost all young black men are rude to
people who assist them.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Liz, Washington, DC, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 22200243800
Older black customers are especially nice to you because they were
conditioned to be that way by the racist society in which they were
brought up. White men had the power to make their lives miserable,
destroy their families and even murder them without recourse. Untold
numbers of blacks were murdered for such offenses as not being polite
enough to a white person. Younger blacks are less likely to be polite
to you because they know they don't have to be. Generations of their
ancestors were forced to submit to whites. Who can blame them for not
wanting any part of it?
POSTED 2/5/2002
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 27, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Enginneer, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 25200220125
I don't think the older folks are being nice because they are
afraid of you, but possibly because you ARE helping them. If you are
used to being ignored or followed around, and someone genuinely wants
to help, you do appreciate it. Think about it: if you're getting
older, maybe your eyesight isn't what it used to be, or maybe you
can't lift as much, etc., so when someone offers help, you take it.
As for the younger people, there are many instances in which store
employess have unfairly profiled black shoppers as if they may steal
something. And they don't have to be young or poor. It happened to
Oprah in New York City. If I go into a store and leave without buying
something, sometimes I feel like they may think I am stealing.
POSTED 2/10/2002
Senetra, Anderson, IN, United States, 28, Female, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
28200284031
Put the 'old blacks grew up in an oppressive society' and 'young
blacks think that a 'hello' is equivalent to 'whacha gonna steal?''
arguments to rest. Old people are nicer in general, and young people
are more likely to be rude. It's just a common thing in a lot of
countries, not just the United States. If it makes you feel any
better, all races of teenagers are treated as potential shoplifters.
Simple fact is, most caught shoplifters ARE teenagers and thats a
stigma they will all have to bear until they grow up. I had to put up
with it and so did many others. Trick is if you don't act like a jerk
in a store, be polite and smile often merchants and security won't
hassle you. Just one of life's lessons.
POSTED 2/10/2002
Allan M., Halifax, Nova Scotia, NA, Canada, 22, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Student, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
29200220451
I don't understand some of these responses that equate
'politeness' with 'conditioning.' Is it a BAD idea to treat someone
with the same kindness and manners they have afforded you? Is it a
subordinate response to react with politeness and dignity and regard?
I think, in general, older people are more polite, and I am disturbed
by the fact that people would construe good manners as some sort of
plot by 'the Man.' Grow up.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Chris, Pittsburgh, PA, United States, 29, Female, Buddhist,
Straight, writer, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
215200244655
It's because older black people actually had to deal with real
racism, while their younger counterparts merely use perceived racism
to justify acting rude or obnoxious. Older black people have
perspective on the situation, and realize that things are actually a
lot better than they were in the '40s or '50s. Most young blacks have
no idea what racism really is. Having store clerks assume you're
going to shoplift isn't racism, it's a conditioned response to the
fact that most people who shoplift are young. Not black, white, male
or female. Just young.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Matt, Boston, MA, United States, 26, Male, Buddhist, Native
American/American Indian, Straight, Designer, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 2142002123548
Most young people are not raised to have the good manners older
people have. It's the child worship syndrome in action.
POSTED 2/19/2002
L., Honolulu, HI, United States, 44, Female, White/Caucasian,
clerical, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
2182002122606
Race and ethnicity have nothing to do with politeness or rudeness.
Neither does age, except that in gerneralities that young people can
have a natural bravado. That being said, I remember a Sixty Minutes
story a few years back showing an inner city minister doing outreach
with some neighborhood youths. Both were Afro-Americans. The young
men were complaining about how they felt the fear and distrust among
store owners, clerks, etc. The minister looked them straight in the
eye and said, 'If you dress like a thug, walk like a thug, act like a
thug and talk like a thug, don't start crying because people treat
you like you're a thug.'
POSTED 2/19/2002
Dennis, Boston, MA, , Mesg ID 282002124520
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
During a legal proceeding (that is why I will not provide name
or city), a case was presented in which a Hispanic male was
co-habitating with a minor Hispanic female. The female was 15 years
old and pregnant by the male. I believe this male is a sexual
predator and guilty of sexual assault on a minor. An attorney present
stated it was 'a cultural thing,' and thus OK. Is an adult male
having sex and impregnating a minor culturally acceptable in Hispanic
cultures? If so, why? If not, please let me know so I can confront
the attorney.
POSTED 1/29/2002
G.T.R., Amarillo, TX, United States, 40, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, law enforcement, 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 129200272554
Responses:
My father was 22 when he married my mother, who was 15. They had
their first child about seven months later, though they both believe
they would have eventually gotten married later. My maternal
grandparents were initially opposed to the marriage, but changed
their minds because they knew my father was a good man and it would
be better for the child to be raised by both parents. This was back
in the 1950s, and it was very common back then for an older man to
marry or live with a teenage girl, though less common among Anglos
than Mexican-Americans, especially middle-class Anglos. And
ironically, my grandparents never married and only had common law
status forced on them by a judge. That was also pretty common back
then, because many people were too poor to afford weddings. Again, it
was far more common among Mexican-Americans than Anglos. My own wife
was 17 when we married and I was 31, and no one in our families
thought any less of us for that. It's a tough call for this case,
though, because so much is left out of your question. Is this man
closer in age to 19 or 59? How long have they been living together,
and how old was she when they started seeing each other? Are they in
love or not? The answers make quite a difference in whether he's not
much more than a confused kid himself, a man who fell in love with
her in spite of her age, or just a creep out to take advantage of a
naive girl. My own take is that this lawyer is desperately seeking
some kind of a defense and is thus exaggerating, almost stereotyping.
Yes, at least until recently, there is less of a stigma for couples
with lots of difference in age than there is among Anglos. But that
shouldn't make any difference if this is someone out to use a girl
for sex rather than a man taking responsibility who actually cares
about her and takes care of her and their child. If it is the former,
I hope you do confront this lawyer. But if it is the latter, I hope
you overcome your own preconceptions and let this be.
POSTED 1/31/2002
A.C.C., Phoenix, AZ, United States, 36, Male, Mexican and American
Indian, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 130200213007
The world does not think like Americans; other cultures may have
different perceptions of when a person is an adult. In some
countries, a 13-year-old girl could be considered a grown woman - or
at least grown enough to marry and have kids. In these kinds of
societies, adulthood is determined by biology, whether a person can
produce offspring or not. In some ways I wish American culture was
like this, becuase teen girls who have sex (such as the example you
gave) are not being taught responsibility for their own doings. A
15-year-old girl or even a 13-year-old girl knows what they are doing
when they are having sex. Of course there are situations of statutory
rape, but many situations are not like that, even if the guy was
older. Most men, even older ones, are not rapists, and always
assuming it's the guy's fault when a young girl gives away her
virginity continually releases the responsibility from her own hands.
POSTED 2/5/2002
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States,
<kfount500@aol.com>, 21, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 21200284728
It is very common in Latin America to see an age difference such
as this. When my aunt married my uncle, she was 14 and he was 26.
They have been happily married for 25 years. She was 19 when she had
her first child. Two years later, she gave birth to another child,
and that was it. They were a very healthy and stable family. In Latin
America, Hispanics figure the man should be prepared to support his
family and the woman should be fertile and able to give a safe birth.
Access to medical aid is very, very low there, so by the time the
woman is in her 30s, it gets very dangerous to give birth.
POSTED 2/13/2002
Geneva, Porterville, CA, United States, 19, Female, Catholic,
Hispanic/Latino, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 2132002104307
I wish I had the book with me, so I could refer you to the
article. It was an anthology of legal and theological essays about
American constructions of motherhood and how they play out legally.
This essay was by a Latina lawyer, about the case of a 13-year-old
Mexican-American girl in Texas who lived with and had a child by a
man in his twenties. (Could it be the same case? This one was settled
in the mid-90s.) If I'm remembering correctly (I read the article
about 2 years ago), he was prosecuted for statutory rape charges; at
issue was whether the girl, defined as his common-law wife, should go
to school rather than stay home with the baby. The charges were
dismissed on the basis of the cultural defense--lawyers argued that
in Mexican culture, it was acceptable for such couplings and
therefore, he didn't know he was committing statutory rape. The
author of the article argued against this defense, characterizing it
as a way for American officials to evade their responsibility to
protect the girl's well-being--if she had been white, there's no way
that defense would have flown. The author also characterized it as a
way for people to cloak the sexism encapsulated by the defense in
'cultural sensitivity'--essentially using one political cause to sell
out another--which is why the case divided liberals so much. I will
look up the author and the article and refer you to it.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Samara, Keene, NH, United States, 24, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Writer, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
213200271811
This is never acceptable, and it's not cultural. You don't mention
how old the male is, but it still sounds like statutory rape to me.
Tell the attorney that he's only making the problem worse by
stereotyping and not helping the young girl in this situation.
POSTED 2/19/2002
Rosanna, Oakland, CA, United States, 32, Female, Catholic,
Hispanic/Latino, Straight, fundraising, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 2142002122126
I don't think it's necessarily a Hispanic thing. It's probably
more socioeconomic. He might be the best thing going for her right
now, even if he's a loser. Later on, she might shed him or stay
dependent upon him for life. I had a friend who married at 18
(Hispanic) to a guy who seemed to have it all together - American
pilot, photographer, older. He was actually a loser who suggested
keeping their marriage 'open' after they were married. Eventually
they divorced, and she moved on. Did he use her, or did she use him?
POSTED 2/19/2002
Honey, Springboro, OH, United States, 32, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 213200242938
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Copyright
and disclaimer