Best of the Week
of Feb. 20, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Feb. 20, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
For commuting reasons, my partner and I are moving from the city to
an upper middle-class suburb (Eden Prairie, MN). My head is filled
with nasty stereotypes about suburbia. I fear conformity,
materialism, unfriendliness, racism and homophobia. What can we
really expect?
POSTED 7/21/1999
Rhiannon, Minneapolis, MN, United States,
<rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, 29, Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Professor, Middle class, Mesg ID 7149995452
Responses:
About 13 years ago, my father, a successful Hispanic businessman,
was planning to move into our present house. The neighborhood was
affluent upper-middle class, and because he worked late into the
night, he found himself moving a carload of things into the house in
the evening. A party was going on, and the guests had parked in our
driveway, so my dad got out to ask a hired security guard to get
someone to move them. He scoffed at my father, as did others who were
just leaving, not believing my father could live there. My father
showed he lived there by producing the control to the garage door,
and the party-goers then rushed to get out of his way. Today, I don't
know a single one of my neighbors, except for my uncle, who lives
across the street, but I believe this is because of apathy on all
parts. I'm not saying all neighborhoods are like that, but that's
what ours is like.
POSTED 2/23/2000
John C., San Antonio, TX, United States, 17, Male, Hispanic/Latino,
Host, High School Diploma , Upper middle class, Mesg ID
7251999104157
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Question:
How can women justify spending thousands of dollars on fertility
treatments to have their own babies, when thousands of unwanted
children are in orphanages? I'd prefer a response from a family that
has gone through or is considering fertility treatments, or
professionals who deal with such issues.
POSTED 2/23/2000
Alex, Elkins Park, PA, United States,
<first_wizard@hotmail.com>, 16, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, High school student, Less than High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 2222000110013
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Question:
Why do older people seem to not like teens nowadays? Why is it that
they have a bad opinion about them at all times? It seems that teens
and older people never get along.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Carlos, Porterville, CA, United States, <coseguera@ocsnet.net>,
20, Male, Catholic, Hispanic/Latino, Straight, student, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 2212000114139
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Question:
Is it true that Europeans are less dependent on the car than North
Americans, and if so, what are the reasons for this difference?
POSTED 2/22/2000
C.P., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 22, Female, Mesg ID
2222000102549
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Question:
I recently overheard a conversation between two black women at the
store. They were talking about a man they both met, to which one of
them was attracted. One said, 'Girl, what you wanna go out wit him
for? He got ashy knees.' What are ashy knees, and why would this be
so bad that one wouldn't want to go out with a man with them?
POSTED 2/18/2000
TreeSprite, n/a, IL, United States, 31, Female, White/Caucasian,
Homemaker, Over 4 Years of College , Lower class, Mesg ID
218200032503
Responses:
Ashiness on dark skin means that the skin is dry and flaky, so it
looks 'ashy.' It is in very bad taste to leave the house with an ashy
face, or ashy knees and elbows ... it just speaks to whether or not
you have any personal pride in your appearance. It means you are
unkempt - although it's nothing a little lotion can't fix!
POSTED 2/22/2000
Wildflower, Long Beach, CA, United States, 30, Female, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, Assistant Academic Coordinator,
Mesg ID 222200051325
First, I think you need to be chastised for your use of incorrect
spelling and grammar to record what you thought was being said. Most
people in America - black, white, Asian or Hispanic - do not properly
ennuciate in spoken dialogue. However, had the women been of your own
race, I doubt you would have made such a effort to 'exhibit realism.'
As for your question, 'ashy' refers to dry skin. When people's skin
gets very dry, it turns sort of flaky and looks kind of like a thin
layer of ash on the skin (there's a demonstration with a magnifier on
a Curel lotion commercial). In the same way that dandruff is more
noticeable in darker-haired people than in lighter-haired people,
dry, flaky, 'ashy' skin is more noticeable on darker-skinned people
than on lighter-skinned people. No, that does not mean only black
people get ashy, and yes, black people do use lotion.) Whether
someone's dry skin keeps you from wanting to go out with them is a
personal choice, just like any other aesthetic quality. POSTED
2/22/2000
Amanda, Boston, MA, United States, 19, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, student, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 2202000103522
'Ashy' is a term black folks use to describe dry skin, especially
on elbows or knees. Among us, ashiness is practically a mortal sin
(especially since Vaseline is cheap and plentiful). A man who allows
himself to be ashy is perceived as not caring about his personal
appearance. Thus, the women's rejection of him.
POSTED 2/22/2000
E.D., Kansas City, MO, United States, 43, Female, Black/African
American, Middle class, Mesg ID 218200094849
When people of color have dry skin it becomes ashy. This is
because the thin layers of skin being sloughed off turn whitish and
are visible against darker skin, giving an ashy look to it. White
people have the same dry skin, but it doesn't show because their skin
is light. Most people can take care of their ashy skin by scrubbing
the area well to get rid of the dead skin and then applying extra
lotion.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 218200060218
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Question:
Why is it like joining a sorority when a female wants to play
tennis?
POSTED 2/21/2000
D. Davidson, NorthHampton, NH, United States, Mesg ID
1229199985118
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Question:
Why do some homosexuals refuse to entertain extending to other
minorities the same civil rights that they themselves demand? For
instance, polygamy and homosexuality are types of behavior that are
not inborn, yet some homosexuals disdain polygamists. Is this a
double standard?
POSTED 2/21/2000
Normand O.L., Alameda, CA, United States, 50, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Mechanic, 2 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 6179915345
Responses:
Your premise is wrong: People do not choose to become homosexual.
People are born homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual. People choose
how to express their sexuality; they can choose to bond with one
person or with more than one. (Or with none.) Minorities thus come in
two types: Those created by birth/conception (like skin color or
sexual orientation) and those created by choice (like religion). One
can choose to be a Catholic. But one does not choose to be male. Now,
of course, that difference raises questions: Should choices be
honored and even protected? Many cultures believe that such choices
should not; witness the many wars of religion. At its strongest, the
American system at least in theory respects these differences. But
this system wars against the human tendency to see difference as bad.
Thus the ongoing attacks on people of the 'wrong' faith or skin color
or sexual orientation.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Thom, Washington, DC, United States, 57, Male, White/Caucasian, Over
4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 221200095039
Many scientific studies have shown homosexuality is ingrained at
birth - it's not a 'choice.' Equating a trait a person has no control
over with a behavior a person consciously chooses makes no sense.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Andrew, Huntington, NY, United States, <ziptron@start.com.au>,
36, Male, Jewish, Straight, Reporter, 4 Years of College,Mesg ID
221200053428
1) Most research points to a large portion of homosexual
orientation being genetic (inborn). 2) Polygamy (and polygamists)
refers to a type of marriage - which in some non-Western cultures is
still the normative behavior. 3) The disdain you may be perceiving
over 'polygamists' vs. gays is probably backlash for the hypocrisy
shown by the Mormon church - which winks and nods at polygamy in its
own ranks and history, yet spends millions of dollars backing
anti-same-sex marriage initiatives (Hawaii, California, etc.). 4) Not
to make too fine a point about 'inborn' behaviors, but religion is a
chosen behavior, not a genetic trait. It is, however, a behavior that
benefits from many 'special rights' granted in law. Unfortunately,
that special status has led many to believe that these special rights
also include discrimination of gays and lesbians with impunity, or
worse, the right to harass, beat and even kill as an extension of
their 'god's will.'
POSTED 2/22/2000
Michael, Houston, TX, United States, 38, Male, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Intranet Manager, 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 221200020439
It's not a double standard, because your analogy is false.
Polygamy is a cultural practice. We do not extend legal recognition
to polygamous arrangments for a number of reasons, the most important
of which is that it's widely considered to be prone to instability
and inherently exploitative as a social structure (witness the
situation of women in many Islamic countries). You liken being gay to
polygamy by claiming that homosexuality is a 'type of behavior' which
is 'not inborn.' How do you know that it isn't? Are you a geneticist?
What's your evidence? Even if homosexuality is the result of
environmental factors and not genetics, it is not experienced as
chosen (your own church acknowledges this, by the way). Homosexuality
is not a cultural practice or �behavior.� It is an orientation, which
may or may not manifest itself in behavior. A celibate gay priest, a
15-year-old virgin, a closeted man married to a woman, a promiscuous
party-boy and a man in a long-term monogamous gay relationship are
all equally gay, even though their behaviors are radically different.
And unlike polygamy (at least as our culture views it), gay
relationships are not inherently unstable or exploitative. Now here's
a question for you: Why do some Christians refuse to entertain
extending to other minorities the same civil rights that they
themselves already enjoy? Religion is a type of behavior that is not
inborn, yet some Christians claim that homosexuality is a 'chosen
behavior' and disdain gays for it. Is this a double standard?
POSTED 2/22/2000
Rob, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 32, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Filmmaker, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 2212000115549
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Question:
Are women wary of hugging a non-boyfriend guy friend so that their
chest is squeezed against his? I can get away with avoiding this
issue because I'm a bit taller than most women, and I have to bend
slightly to hug them. I guess I'm wondering how fuzzy the line of
showing affection is with women. Do you generally not hug a guy
closely if you don't know him very well, and then more closely once
you do?
POSTED 2/21/2000
Allan, Marquette, MI, United States, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Student, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
220200042500
Responses:
It doesn't really matter who I am hugging - I like hugs to be
close and tight. When someone gives me one of those
only-shoulders-touching with the quick pat-on-the-back hug, it makes
me feel like I have cooties.
POSTED 2/22/2000
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, student, Mesg ID 2212000102027
I am a young woman who is a Christian and can tell you that my
views on this subject have changed since I became a Christian. 'Full
body' hugging is off-limits (for me) with anyone other than my
husband or family. I think that to hug a man like that, it naturally
creates desire for him. Men are more easily aroused than women, and
women should be conscious of this fact.
POSTED 2/22/2000
J.B., Tallahassee, FL, United States, 24, Female, Baptist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, student, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 221200010007
I don't get offended by a close hug. I think it depends on the
woman. But I have also noticed something that has to do with culture
or upbringing: In every picture of my Caucasian friend with her arm
around a guy, her arm is around him, but the rest of her body is
sticking out, not touching his at all. I tease her and call it, 'The
White Girl hug.' I don't think it's all Caucasians, though, just the
way you were raised. In my culture, when you greet someone, you kiss
them on the cheek and give them a hug. It's just like a hand shake
and doesn't mean anything else. I was taught that closeness was a way
of being polite, and I've always done it without thinking.
POSTED 2/23/2000
Pilar, Miami, FL, United States, <pilarsita@hotmail.com>, 23,
Female, Catholic, Hispanic/Latino, Straight, Student, 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 222200010207
I'm a 22-year-old university student with a lot of male friends. I
find that platonic affection is just as 'huggy' as in any other
relationship. Of course, hugging closely will mean your chest is
pressed against his, but because both's feelings are platonic, I see
no reason we shouldn't demonstrate our mutual and platonic affection.
If your best friend is male, as mine is, and you share a bond, what
better way to demonstrate that than through a genuine, warm and
affectionate hug?
POSTED 2/23/2000
Annique-Elise, n/a, NA, Canada, 22, Female, White/Caucasian, Deaf,
student, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 2222000114157
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Question:
I often hear conservative Christians talking about 'namby-pamby'
religion when refering to tolerance. Rush Limbaugh, for example,
prides himself on being Christian, yet mocks President Carter for
starting a program for housing the homeless, calling him 'The
Carpenter President.' Another conservative host quoted Martin Luther
King: 'Love is the strongest weapon,' and added, 'Well, isn't that
huggy-kissy sentiment.' Christ said to feed the poor, help those in
need, love your enemies, etc. This sounds like the same 'huggy-kissy
tree-hugging' ideation that is bemoaned, so I am confused. Can a
conservative explain this to me?
POSTED 2/21/2000
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, <cmorris@loft.org>, 35,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 62299105717
Responses:
You may just be out baiting conservatives, but your question is
unfair. Somewhat like asking why all gay people are like RuPaul, or
worse yet Jeffrey Dahmer. There are no Christian police to decide who
speaks for God and who doesn't. Rush Limbaugh is on the radio to make
money, not to promote religion. As long as he says things that
entertain his listeners, they'll be there. He's a fat Howard Stern,
no more, no less. The radio broadcasters presenting themselves as
representative of conservatism are like the TV ministers, just not as
successful. And as long as they pander to bigotry, distrust and the
other base inclinations of men, they'll be successful.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Porky, Austin, TX, United States, 60+, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Software, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 221200025645
Many politically conservative Christians have their politics and
religion 'all rolled up together', so to speak, and lean towards the
doctrines that favor their general worldview. I can only speak
first-hand from the Catholic perspective. For instance, a
conservative Catholic will usually tell you that poor people should
just work harder and if people suffer, they must have done something
to bring it on themselves. Sometimes not a lot of thinking goes on in
conservative circles, just knee-jerk, pre-programmed answers. But in
all fairness, not a whole lot of 'thinking outside the box' goes on
in either conservative or liberal camps, neither on political issues
nor religious ones. Everybody remembers the 'eye for an eye' and
'judge not lest ye be judged' Bible verses, because these conform to
human nature anyway; there are other verses (the 'hard sayings'),
some of which challenge conservatives and some of which challenge
liberals, and they conveniently ignore these. Any Christian needs to
read the Bible front to back, word for word. I did.
POSTED 2/22/2000
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 39, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
2212000102420
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