Best of the Week
of March 14, 1999
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of March 14, 1999, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question Code
Key:
|
A=Age
|
GD=General
Diversity
|
RE=Religion
|
|
C=Class
|
G=Geography
|
SE=Sensitive
Matters
|
|
D=Disabilities
|
O=Occupation
|
SO=Sexual
Orientation
|
|
GE=Gender
|
R=Race/Ethnicity
|
|
THE QUESTION:
A42: To retired people: What do
you do all day?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
C.P., 21, Montreal, Canada
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE128: Why do many women, even
when strongly complimented on an attribute, soon change that
attribute, if they can? For example, if you tell a woman you like her
hairstyle, she will no doubt have her hair different within the next
few weeks. You would think a compliment would have the effect of a
woman trying to maintain that certain look. But I do not observe this
to be true, especially in younger women.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
W.G., 35, male, Cincinnati, OH
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R632: Why do some Asian people
wear face masks when out in public? I am referring to the surgical or
dust type mask that covers the mouth and nose. I assume it has
something to do with germs or such, but I only see Asians doing this,
wearing them on the bus, in the mall, etc.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
White male, 26, Santa Clara, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
A24: Why do people feel it is all
right to stereotype all teenagers and younger people based on one bad
apple? Example: In my hometown, teenagers who came into the local
mall in groups of four or more were told they either had to split up
or leave. Why don't they do the same to 40-year-olds?
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Craig, 15 <Bonowitz@aol.com>, Des Moines, IA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
It's not your imagination; a
lot of older people really do exhibit bad attitude and prejudice
against young people. When I was in high school, I worked in my
town's public library, and it hurt me so much to see the way the
library staff treated some of the middle school and high school
students who would come by to do research, study and, yes, hang out.
Often the library floor monitors would swoop down on unattended
backpacks the moment their owners got up to use a reference computer.
The owners would then have to go through a fight with the desk staff
to get the backpacks back. Other staff would break up any
conversation between young people after about 30 seconds or not allow
young people to sit more than four to a table, even if the table was
large. Most of the library staff acted as if all young people were
criminals, while in reality they weren't doing anything bad at all. I
always thought it was disgusting because they treated me with respect
and I was the same age as these "criminals." So it's not your
imagination, even though some adults may deny your charges.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1999
Wendy, female, 24 <wiebke@juno.com>, Atlanta , GA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE147: To Christian scholars and
clergy: I identify myself as a Christian, but believe that all
religions are essentially worshiping the same higher power, whether
He is called "Christ," "Allah," "Buddha" or the various other deities
of other religions. I also look at the Bible as an important piece of
literature and as a guide, but considering the number of times it has
been edited and translated over the centuries, I believe it would be
impossible to attempt to understand and comply with the original
intent, so while I follow the Bible's general philosophy, I don't
look at individual passages for guidance. Is this blasphemous?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Shawn, 23, gay male, Episcopalian <pharaun@aol.com>, Fort Worth , TX
ANSWER 1:
As long as you identify
affirmatively with your higher power, you are not blasphemous. I
share your belief that we all worship the same higher power that some
call God. I feel that Jesus, Buddha and Allah, etc. are all Christs
who came to be examples for us to follow. We can all live as they did
- as a Christ. The Bible is an extremely important text ,but there
are many more. I'm sure your priest could recommend some. I am fond
of Paramahansa Yogananda's The
Divine Romance Try reading
these spiritual books by allowing the book to open where it may and
see if you find your daily answer there. It has never failed to amaze
me.
POSTED MARCH 17, 1999
BPMass, 46, female, Jacksonville, FL
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
G73: I'm reading Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horwitz. Are white Southerners really
still hung up on the Civil War? Do some Southerners still perceive
the South as being occupied by the federal government?
POSTED MARCH 3, 1999
B. Hale, Yankee <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
ANSWER 1:
From my experience growing up
in the Deep South, only a small percentage of people were intensely
interested in the Civil War - some out of historic curiosity, others
out of more sinister, racist motives. But I have also observed people
with this interest while living/working in the
Mid-Atlantic/Northeast.
As for the feelings of the majority
of Southerners, the Civil War is probably no more a topic of daily
interest than for most Northerners. There is, however, probably some
dichotomy of opinion or perception on the subject. Certainly, or at
least hopefully, almost everyone would agree that any actions
necessary to bring about an end to slavery were necessary and
justified. But I think many Southerners feel a certain bitterness or
melancholy about that period in history due to the capricious
destruction visited upon the South during the war, the impoverishing
federal tax and trade policies after the war and the wholly
inadequate protection of the lives and liberties of freed slaves
before, during and after the war. For this variety of reasons, I
think most Southerners do not view the Civil War quite the same way
that many Northerners do - as a clear-cut struggle between good guys
and bad guys and winners and losers, with a beginning and an
end.
As for the second question, I have
never heard anyone speak in terms of the federal government as an
occupying force, but many Southerners believe more strongly in the
concept of States Rights as enumerated in the Constitution. This
causes us to chafe at massive unfunded federal mandates, federal
intrusion into public education, federal mandatory sentencing laws
for state crimes and things like that. One of the unfortunate
lingering after-effects of the war is the national inability to
seriously debate these issues.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Mark, 32, white male, Alexandria, VA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Almost without exception, the
Southerners I know will tell you with some vehemence that the War
Between the States was not fought on racial grounds. Sadly, some
morons feel the need to align these two things and have, as a result,
besmirched the Confederate Flag as well as Southern history. Sane and
otherwise rational Southerners frequently do feel very strongly about
the Civil War, viewing it as the tragedy it was. The South was
galvanized by its defeat, and that affects Southern culture to this
day. The South, for many decades after the War, was captured land. I
remain a part of the Union only grudgingly. Southern history is
my history, and the people whose homes were destroyed and
lives reduced are my people. This land, language, food, culture - all
of it is who I am, and it is too frequently misunderstood by Yankees
who persist in the notion that they are the Great Moral Hope of the
world, and that they can do things bigger, better, faster and more.
Like any Southerner, I resist this change with all my being. Part of
resisting it is maintaining my identity as Southern. As a little P.S.
I'll add that I am also left wing, feminist and queer.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Kathryn, Southern Dyke <barefoot-rivergirl@usa.net>, Roanoke, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
From my experience in the
Army, where most white soldiers are Southerners, there is still an
enormous anger left over from the Civil War, which must have been
passed down for generations. Some were all right by themselves, but
in groups had on open hatred of all "Yanks," were found of saying "It
(the war) ain't over yet!" and believed the South was in the right
about their causes, both states rights and slavery. You could not
even mention slavery, civil rights, Dr. King, the Klan, lynching or
the Confederate flag without it becoming a shouting match or
near-fight. Yet the evidence shows the South suffered less than it
would have you believe. They lost on the battlefield but won control
in politics. How many other defeated rebel groups were able to elect
a President, an ex-Confederate general at that, only 11 years after
their supposed defeat? How many rebel groups were able to dominate
one of two major political parties for more than 100 years?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a Southerner, I rarely
encounter people who think about the Civil War on any kind of regular
basis. My grandparents' generation tends to have more of an interest
in that era. When children in the South study the Civil War today,
they are likely to be studying it in a very similar way to children
in Northern schools. With modern technology and culture, some of the
historical divides between Northerners and Southerners are closing.
Sure, there are still a few people down South fixated on "The War of
Northern Aggression." There are people who are terrible racists and
would love to return to those days. And that crosses socioeconomic
lines, too. But you're much more likely to discuss the Gulf War or
even Vietnam with a typical middle-class Southerner these days -
probably because these people can see the direct impact these more
recent wars have had on their own lives.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Jennifer, Memphis, TN
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R628: I have a friend who is half
of an interracial married couple. They have two children. I could
never ask her, but I've wondered how she felt when her children were
born and didn't look like her. She is blond and blue-eyed, and her
husband is African American. Her children are beautiful, but wouldn't
it be strange at first?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Lynn Marie W. <tenquid1@prodigy.net>, female, Minnetonka, MN
ANSWER 1:
I am blond and green-eyed, my
husband is Asian and we have two children. When they were born, they
had black hair and very dark eyes - but they were the most beautiful
children I had ever seen, and I had no doubt they were a part of me.
They didn't need blond hair for me to feel that. It's hard to
explain, but it wasn't strange for me. Maybe because they looked a
lot like my husband and so they were familiar. As they grew, though,
they changed a lot. Their hair lightened to a warm brown, and their
Asian features softened - they look like a perfect combination of my
husband and myself. Also, as parents, we see ourselves in our
children in countless other ways than just their hair or eye color -
their personalities, preferences, tendencies, etc.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Victoria, 30, white female, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a mother of two biracial
children. It may seem strange, but I am unaware of the differences in
my appearance vs.my children's appearance until it is mentioned,
mostly by children, who are so uninhibited. I enjoy a child's
interest and lack of negative perceptions. I must mention that many
parents have children who look very different from them due to the
mysteries of genetics. Do you think a blond mother feels strange
toward her brown-haired child? Please be open with your friend about
issues you can share and grow from.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Blonde Mom, white female, TN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I was in an interracial
marriage for 22 years. We had two beautiful children. My daughter
doesn't particularly look like me, but many other (same race) parents
don't look like their children, either. I never thought of it in
terms of their being interracial. She is my child, and I was very
glad to have her!
POPSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Chris R., 46, white female, Lincoln, NE
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R406: Is there something about
the German culture that may have allowed the Holocaust to happen
there, and is this something that is talked about in Germany? What
are other explanations? I realize this is not the only country in
which something like this happened, so culture cannot be the only
explanation.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Marcie B. 28, Jewish female, Boston, MA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
For a chilling account of how
Germans in particular were capable and willing participants in the
Holocaust, read The Rise and
Fall of the Third Reich by
William Shrirer, the definitive historical account. But be warned, as
you read you may see parallels to the United States, and not just
concerning anti-Semitism.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Jason, 29, Jewish male <jessetr@jps.net>, Brooklyn, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
There was a study done years
ago on this. I am not sure of the man's name who conducted it. His
plan was to prove that Germans were more obedient than Americans. He
started his experiment in America but was so shocked at the results
that he never made it to Germany. He pretended to be a scientist
doing an experiment about the mind. The people being tested thought
they were helping in the research and that they were not the
subjects. He had actors pretend to be the subjects. The real subjects
were supposed to administer an electric shock if the actor pretending
to be the subject got a question wrong. The actors sometimes screamed
in pain, but the people kept shocking them. Even when one of the
actors said he had heart trouble, the people still continued to shock
him, as instructed. It shows how authority can control. What happened
with the Holocaust could have happened anywhere.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
19, Italian female, college student <haylie79@hotmail.com>, NY
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
G66: Do people living in the
South have more racist attitudes than people living in the North?
POSTED JAN. 14, 1999
Nicole, 21, white female <ngebhart@hotmail.com>, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
My high school teacher (a
Southern white male probably not offended to be called a redneck)
said Northerners are more likely to accept black people (for example)
as a group but not individually, i.e. "They're OK, but I wouldn't
have them to dinner." Southerners, on the other hand, are likely to
accept black people individually but not as a group, i.e. "Old Roscoe
is a decent fellow, but the rest of them ..."
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Kevin, male <jones@ecel.ufl.edu>, FL
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
C13: To people who are homeless,
have been homeless or are experts on the topic: What types of class
and power structures do homeless communities institute and follow
among themselves? This culture must fend for itself, so I imagine its
members follow some unwritten codes for survival. What are they?
POSTED MARCH 11, 1999
Ed V., 37, white, middle-class professional student <EdVirden@aol.com>, San Clemente , CA
ANSWER 1:
I found your question
interesting. Living in Montreal, Canada, we are also not oblivious to
the plight of the homeless. There are about 30,000 in my city. I used
to be homeless and am now finishing two degrees from university work
with homeless people. Some comments: 1) The homeless befriend others
who they trust; usually people the same as them; 2) They find centers
or shelters to survive; and 3) They panhandle and hope for humanity
from others. Take care.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Homeless people <matt269@hotmail.com>, San Clemente, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO129: I think my 30-year-old
brother may be gay but am afraid to ask him about it. He has never
had a girlfriend, and most of his friends are older, single men. I
don't want to make him feel uncomfortable, but I want to let him know
it is OK with me. Our parents are very homophobic. Should I ask
him?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Carlin J., white male, 25 <carlin11@yahoo.com>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
RELATED QUESTION:
I teach high school psychology
and was asked a question I need help on: My 18-year-old student feels
her 21-year-old brother is gay, yet he hasn't come out. She wants to
reassure him of unconditional love, yet doesn't know if she should
ask if he's gay. He's been on gay chat lines, gone off for a weekend
with a man... Should she say something or wait for him to tell her?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Sus, Psychology teacher <obriens@vcss.k12.ca.us>, Simi Valley, CA
ANSWER 1:
I wish I had asked my brother
if he was gay when I suspected it. We wasted a lot of time
pretending. When he finally told me, we were able to build a real
relationship based on truth. I wish I had more time together with the
real man that I came to respect for who he really was. The AIDS virus
took him 4 1/2 years ago, and I miss him.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
B.B., New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
You should ask him. He may
really want to talk with someone. If he denies it, you must allow
that to be his answer.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
48-year-old open lesbian <pj1304@yahoo.com>, Philadelphia, Pa
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would suggest you try to
let him know via your conversations that you are not homophobic and
are open to people and their differences. Mentioning gay friends or
interest in the gay community, etc. may help convey this. My brother
did this for me, and I was able to come out to him in my own time.
However, I think if he would have asked me directly, it would have
freaked me out and I would not have wanted to talk about it. I had to
do it when I was ready. Knowing that he would be open to it was the
nudge I needed.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Ramonajane, 29, lesbian
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think you should confront
him, especially if you are close. If you don't know how to approach
the subject, casually ask if he is seeing anyone or has been on any
dates lately.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Jen, female, <j1c1r1@yahoo.com>, Annapolis, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Considering that he is your
brother and not a stranger, friend or co-worker, you should ask him.
As you mentioned, make him aware that his (possible) homosexualality
will have no bearing on the relationship you two have. You should
also attempt to speak with your parents about their attitude toward
homosexuals and lesbians.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Janet, straight African-American female, Capitol Heights, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
You should most definitely
talk to your brother, and the sooner the better. Your brother is in
the same situation as many of us are. We choose to live two lives
rather than face heartaches and rejection from our families. You
should be clear about your acceptance of the situation at the
beginning of the conversation with your brother. I bet it will make a
big difference in the rest of your and your brother's lives. As for
your parents, they don't have to know. That sould be up to your
brother. At 38, I recently had this conversation with one of my
sisters, and it was an absolute wonderful feeling to finally talk to
someone in my family. This feeling lingered for days. The feeling
that just one person in your brother's family knows, accepts and
loves him as he is will really take him a long way. And it will be
rewarding for you as well.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Aaron D., gay male, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I think that rather than
coming out and asking him you should make it clear that you love and
accept him no matter what. Perhaps if the subject of homosexuality
comes up, on the news or in conversation, you could take a "what's
the big deal" attitude (assuming that is your attitude. Then if he is
gay, he'd be more likely to confide in you about it. I'm sure if he
knew you'd be supportive, he'd much rather tell you than keep it a
secret).
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
T.B., straight but gay-friendly female, 30, NY , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If you love your brother and
are genuinely worried about him, ask him. What do you have to lose?
Maybe your brother is looking for someone he can confide in. Maybe
your parents are not the people he looks to for comfort. Maybe he
goes only to his friends. If you take the initative to talk to him,
maybe he will realize he can go to you, and that he can tell you
what's on his mind. Maybe he is gay, maybe he's not. It is your
choice to bring up the question.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
J.B., Annapolis, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Bluntly put, it really isn't
your business if he's gay or not. He will tell you when he is
comfortable (or he may never tell you, in words). If it really
doesn't matter to you, then don't stress on it and just be there for
him when he needs you, and he will know you love him. I am gay and
have never told any of my family (but that' not to say they don't
know; they do). My straight brothers and sisters never had to go to
mom and dad and say "I'm straight," and I never felt I had to,
either. Just be a friend to your bro; if he wants to tell you, he
will.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Kyle, 30, gay black male <kyllr2v231@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I feel strongly that you
should broach the subject with your brother. My sister is a lesbian,
and even though everyone in the family has known for years, no one
mentioned it, including her or her live-in partner, whom we have
always treated as part of the family. A couple of years ago, I
started to talk to my sister about something very personal to me, and
she reciprocated by bringing up the subject of her lesbianism. After
years of tiptoeing around various subjects, it has been a miracle to
be able to talk to my sister honestly, and I know she feels the same.
I also know how gratifying it would feel to her if other members of
our family would tell her they accept her and her partner, instead of
hoping she picks that up from unspoken clues. I hesitated for years
to say anything about her sexuality because I didn't want her to
think I thought it was an issue, but as it turns out I could have
provided some important support. If you bring it up to your brother
and he doesn't want to talk about it, fine. But he will know you are
there for him if he needs it.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Cyndi, female <cjmoritz@SUMMON2.syr.edu>, Syracuse, NY
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO127: I've done some grass-roots
work for gay and lesbian civil rights. During these events, I have
heard many speakers compare the cause of
gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender acceptance to the struggle for
racial equality. This is usually followed by a strong counter from
the opposition that many blacks and Latinos would find that
comparison extremely offensive. Are most folks in the black and
Latino civil rights movements offended by the gay rights movement? Do
they see their struggle as morally and ethically unrelated to ours?
Do they object to our community "piggybacking" on their issues and
history?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Matthew T., gay male, Charlotte, NC
ANSWER 1:
I am a black lesbian and am
not offended by the gay rights movement. It is just as inhumane to
discriminate according to color as it is according to sexual
orientation
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Malika, black lesbian, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Being both black and gay,
I've experienced this from two areas. I do think that some of the
resentment may stem from cultural homophobia. However, there is a
major difference between the struggle based on ethnicity and that
based on sexual orientation. That difference is appearance. In most
cases, ethnicity is immediately visible, but sexual orientation is
not. People can usually see your race, which then affects how they
treat you. But how can you see one's sexual orientation? Until people
can be identified by sexual orientation as they can by race, they are
different.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
D.N., gay, black, 34, Seattle
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
At least one major black
denomination (African Methodist Episcopal) condemns homosexuality
because the church is very concerned about absent fathers, and
homosexuality is seen as another thing that can lure men away from
their traditional role as father/husband/family stabilizer. I think
there is some tension between race, which is obviously beyond choice,
and sexual orientation, which people argue over vehemently as to
whether it is a choice or not. Black people who see being gay as a
matter of choice may resent gays complaining when they supposedly can
just stop being gay, while blackness is forever.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
B. Hale, straight white male <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a heterosexual Latina, I
fully support the movement for gay/lesbian rights. I think the
problem is when we start to assume that "gay/lesbian" and
"Black/Latino" are mutually exclusive categories, and this may be
what offends people. I am not denying that some people involved in
civil rights may be homophobic, but in my experience many people are
trying to incorporate gay and lesbian issues into their activism. It
could also be that gays and lesbians are inadvertently glossing over
racial issues, which is certainly problematic.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
A.E.H., 22, straight Latina female, Deer Park, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think for homosexuals to
compare their issues to racial issues is fraudulent and undermines
the homosexual cause. It's not about comparing whose suffering is
worse. Blacks and Jews do this same thing with the Holocaust and
slavery. Homosexuals should try to plead their case rationally and
logically, without comparing the suffering they experience with the
suffering people face based on their race. The issues faced as a
homosexual and as a black person are not the same and should not be
addressed as the same or similar. The fact that there is
discrimination is not just cause for homosexual activists to
associate their discrimination with racial discrimination. Without
doubt, we are born black. And while you may argue that homosexuals
are born homosexuals, black is black.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Taysh, African American, Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think some blacks and
Latinos find the gay rights movements and gays and bisexuals in
general offensive because they were raised in conservative religious
atmospheres - Catholic, Baptist, Muslim and so on. Many would also
resent the comparison because usually blacks and Latinos don't have
the choice of "staying in the closet" about their minority status.
But there are also many like myself who think it's wrong to hate
someone for the way they were born. We do have that in common. Many
of us also recognize that we have mostly the same enemies in common.
Those who are racists usually hate gays, too. By the way, most
American Indians don't have prejudice against gays because some of
the spiritual traditions allow homosexuality or tranvestite roles for
medicine men.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio, TX
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
Copyright and
disclaimer