Best of the Week
of March 26, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of March 26, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
I recently found some Playboy pictures in my 12-year-old son's
drawer. I didn't make a big deal about it, just took them away and
told him why I didn't like them. Any suggestions on how to handle
this?
POSTED 3/30/2000
Lucille L., Kansas City, MO, United States, 42, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Research, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 3302000120534
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Question:
I have a 14-year-old who likes a boy at school. I feel it's all right
for her to have a friend who is a boy, but her father does not like
the idea. He doesn't even want boys to call her. Does anyone have
some advice on this type of problem?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Rhonda K., Porterville, CA, United States,
<rkruger@pc.cc.ca.us>, 35, Female, Mormon, White/Caucasian,
Straight, student, 2 Years of College , Lower class, Mesg ID
325200024118
Responses:
Most of my closest friends have been male. Although I found these
boys attractive, it never led to a sexual relationship. As a matter
of fact, I waited until I was married (at 23) to have a physical
relationship. That said, I can understand the father's hesitation.
All fathers want to protect their girls. Perhaps the father is
remembering his own raging hormones at that age. And some males who
have been unable to have platonic friendships in the past may project
their psychology on all males. I think you both have a great
opportunity to teach your daughter valuable lessons for the future.
Talk (or continue to talk) to her about boys, her own changing body
and feelings, your values concerning relationships with men. I would
allow her to be friends with this boy openly, in supervised
situations. She will interact with men all her life, in the workplace
and in society in general. What better time to learn to be friends
with males than now, when she has you two to guide her?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Stacee, Houston, TX, United States, 31, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, TV director, Over 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 3292000103230
In my experience, making rules that seem ridiculous or senseless
to teenagers causes them to decide you are arbitrary. She doesn't
have enough life experience to fully realize that you, her parents,
are just two people; exactly like her, but older. Instead, she sees
you as a totally different species. And if what you say makes no
sense to her, instead of being able to figure out that you have
'buttons' about certain issues, she will probably think that a.) you
have no idea what you are talking about, or b.) you are trying to
make her miserable on purpose. Add to that the implication that she
cannot be trusted, and you are asking for trouble. And it really is
unreasonable to expect her to have no association with boys. She is
with them all day in school, after all! What you may want to do is
tell her that she cannot date until she is a certain age (say 16).
That leaves her free to make friendships, but lets her know there are
limits.
POSTED 3/30/2000
Robin W., Westland, MI, United States, 46, Female, White/Caucasian,
author/illustrator, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 330200011742
She's on the brink of rebellion if she hasn't hit it already. For
God's sake, give her some love and freedom. Fourteen year-old boys
may have raging hormones now, but they're just going to be raging
more when they're 18, and your daughter won't necessarily be
following your rules by then. I think the girl deserves to have
normal social interaction. Besides, all the 14-year-old boys I knew
at that age were more interested in each other than any of the girls
in the class.
POSTED 3/30/2000
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Mesg ID 330200020513
It's hard for a 14-year-old to accept anything a parent says.
Remember, in her mind, she is mature enough to handle 'hanging out'
with all types of people. I agree with limit-setting, though. I was
very much into boys at 14, but was not allowed to 'date' until I was
16. Any people were always welcome at my house, and I even had a
'boyfriend,' but without the freedom to go out by ourselves, it was
nothing more than a friend I thought was cute. That experience, plus
all the others I had, made me who I am today: A 23-year-old woman
ready to settle down in life. Support and guide her.
POSTED 3/30/2000
Kathy, Mt. Clemons, MI, United States, 23, Female, Caucasian/Asian,
Straight, Comunications Specialist, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 330200030854
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Question:
I recently mentioned that my parents were hippies, and all three of
my black co-workers started laughing hysterically. I'm white, and I
didn't wait around for an explanation. Is there one?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Corrie, Washington, DC, United States, Mesg ID 325200085619
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Question:
I am a 16-year-old Catholic, and recently I have found myself
doubting the only religion I have ever known. Perhaps it is because
it is all I've ever known that I no longer accept every aspect of
this faith. My confirmation is coming up in a few months. I do not
want to go through with it for obvious reasons. Is it normal to have
such tremendous doubts at my age? Could this just be a phase? I
sometimes find myself doubting the very existence of God. Would it be
safe to call myself agnostic until I figure out my thoughts?
POSTED 3/29/2000
J. Lara, San Diego, CA, United States,
<mellowyellowSD@yahoo.com>, 16, Female, Unsure about religion,
Chicana, Straight, Mesg ID 328200013640
Responses:
It's normal to have doubts. Look at Moses when he asked for proof
before he would follow God. He received a burning bush. Noah sent out
a crow and a dove, just to make sure there was land out there even
though God said He would take care of him. Thomas had to feel
Christ's wounds. I, myself, have had doubts. In fact, it was around
your age, too. And while I call myself a Catholic, I don't agree with
everything the Church says. And for many people this is the same way.
That is why the Church keeps on changing. Is it a phase? Maybe. But
don't write it off as one. The way I removed my doubts was by
surrounding myself in other religions. And the more I explored other
religions, the more I found myself being pulled back to the Catholic
Church. However, this may not be the case for you. If this is so,
don't fight it. It's not wrong. It's who you are. Should you go
through with your Confirmation? Only if you want to. But talk it over
with your parents. Don't let them be in the dark. Should you call
yourself an agnostic? Again, if you want to. It would lead to less
conflict if someone were to ask what religion you are.
POSTED 3/30/2000
Mekki, Virginia Beach, VA, United States, 23, Female, Catholic,
Irish/Puerto Rican, Mesg ID 330200041743
I'd say it's normal to have doubts. I certainly did around 16 or
17. Take some time to think about it all. If you don't believe
everything, why go through a process designed to say you do? You can
always be confirmed later, if you decide to do so. In my opinion,
they push this confirmation thing too early. I was confirmed at 14
and hadn't given much thought to my religious beliefs. It turned out
that I eventually stopped believing. For lack of a better word, I'd
call myself an atheist, but the labels 'atheist' and 'agnostic' seem
to have a negative connotation. Just tell people you want some time
to figure out your thoughts.
POSTED 3/30/2000
Patrick, n/a, CA, United States, 21, Male, Atheist, Straight,
student, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 329200035139
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Question:
This thought popped into my head and I've been hoping to get it
answered. I understand that among certain cultures/religions, it is
taboo to eat with your left hand, as it is the hand you use to wash
yourself and is therefore considered unclean. What happens if someone
in that culture breaks his/her right arm? Or doesn't have one? How do
they circumvent this taboo? I know this sounds like a strange
question, but I had to ask.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Annique-Elise G., Vancouver, British Columbia, NA, Canada, 22,
Female, White/Caucasian, Deaf, University student, 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 3242000121157
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Question:
Where exactly (and how) do men get their penises pierced?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Sarah U., Forest, Canada, 33, Female, Presbyterian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 3282000121305
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Question:
To Christians: You insist that everyone must follow the rules given
to you by your God. Why? You can be obedient to Him if you want; you
chose that religion. But why force me to obey him through legal
manipulation (blue laws, laws against same-sex marriage, anti-gay
laws, laws forbidding assisted suicide, etc.?) According to your
views, I'm going to Hell anyway because I'm not a Christian, so what
difference does it make?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Robin W., Westland, MI, United States, 46, Female, Wiccan,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, author/illustrator, Over 4 Years of College
, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 328200053410
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Question:
How do I keep myself safe without offending people? One Oprah show
tells me to guard myself from strangers, another tells me how
offended black males are when people ignore or avoid them. I'm not
assuming all black males are dangerous - if I'm someplace unfamiliar
I'd avoid any strangers - but to a black male it might appear as
though it were a race issue.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Tracy M., Madison Heights, MI, United States, 44, Female,
Presbyterian, White/Caucasian, Straight, Dispatch Planner, High
School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 3252000120329
Responses:
Your safety is a priority; others' feelings aren't. I know
exactly which 'Oprah' show you are speaking of, and the advice came
from Gavin de Becker, who wrote The Gift of Fear. If you feel there
is reason for you to be cautious of someone, it is so much more
important to keep yourself safe at the expense of someone else's
feelings. You could possibly be wrong, but what if you're not? It's
stupid to put yourself at risk because of the way someone might feel.
You don't owe anyone any explanation for your actions. And if you
trust yourself and your intuition, you'll probably be right. I would
definitely recommend reading The Gift of Fear. I worried about the
same problem constantly until I put myself in the position of the
person I might be offending, and I can say I would prefer to be
offended than to have someone place themselves in a potentially
dangerous situation.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Julia, Arlington, VA, United States, 20, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Secretary, High School Diploma , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 3282000125011
You have no control over how other people perceive your actions.
No matter what you do or say, at some point someone will
misunderstand you. They will color your actions with their own
experiences or prejudices about you. You can't live your life trying
to make sure this never happens, because it will. If you treat
everyone equally regardless of their skin color, and someone
perceives something you do as being racially motivated - like locking
your car door when a black man approaches - then I guess that person
thinks you think black men are criminals. What can you do?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 327200044650
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Question:
My wife and I maintain separate checking accounts. We collaborate on
the expenses (bills, groceries, etc.) that we incur together, and we
spend and save the remainder of our respective paychecks at our own
discretion. (We have no children.) My wife and I each had complete,
fulfilling lives before we got married, and each of us continue to
have our own hobbies, interests and ways of spending our own money.
Yet other people have reacted to this with shock and indignation. How
do other married couples manage their checkbooks and expenses?
POSTED 2/24/2000
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 39, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
220200081655
Responses:
My wife and I have been married five years, the second marriage
for both. She has two daughters (one now in college, the other, 16,
at home). I have three children, a 21-year-old son on his own, a
17-year-old son at home, and a 15-year-old daughter who lives with
her mother. We agreed at the onset that we would maintain separate
finances and split household expenses based on our W-2 income
contribution to the household. As I bring home 44 percent of the
bacon, I pay 44 percent of the bills. We use Quicken and a Lotus 123
spreadsheet at the end of the month to settle the monthly budget. (I
am an accountant, and we are both quite computer literate, so the
bookkeeping is not a problem). We never have fights over finances
because we each control our money and discuss and agree ahead of time
on major purchases. We have separate checking and savings accounts,
separate investments and separate credit card accounts, and we borrow
jointly for major purchases (again, payments at 56%/44%). We had a
pre-nuptual agreement, not because either of us had any significant
assets, but because we both had been through a divorce and wanted
things spelled out, just in case. Our arrangement might not work for
everyone, but it works very well for us.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Bill, Burlington, VT, United States, <billinvt@yahoo.com>, 42,
Male, White/Caucasian, Accountant, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 3262000104325
My husband and I have seperate checking accounts also. This
prevents a lot of flights over who took money from the ATM and forgot
to tell the other. In addition to our own accounts, we have a joint
household checking account, as well as joint savings, investments,
etc. This arrangement creates more bookkeeping than a single account
would, but it works for us. The important thing is for couples to
decide on an arrangement that works for their situation.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Julianna C., Santa Clara, CA, United States, 26, Female,
White/Caucasian, Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
225200043301
I believe that to maintain an element of separation is good, as
long as there is disclosure and mutual understanding. The premise
that "what is his/hers is mine" is outdated, legally and sometimes
emotionally. It inhibits growth and trust. As individuals, what has
attracted two mates is often the diversity and commonality that they
can share. As long as one does not abuse this spectrum of the
relationship, tell others to butt out.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Neelie, Detroit, MI, United States, Mesg ID 31200094514
My wife and I also have separate checking accounts. That is just
the way we feel we can manage our money best. I pay the bills with my
checkbook, and she buys the groceries and other household necessities
with hers. Like you, I have also experienced shock from other married
people that we do our finances this way; but hey, we just feel
comfortable doing that. I cannot understand why they would care, but
apparently, they do.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Stephen S., San Antonio, TX, United States, 32, Male, Mesg ID
332000112831
My wife and I have a joint checking account, which is used mostly
(but not exclusively) for bills, and a joint savings account. But we
have separate credit cards, and neither of us pays much attention to
how the other uses the cards. Every couple manages money their own
way, and if it works for you, I don't see anything to worry about -
for you or anyone else.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Andrew, Huntington, NY, United States, <ziptron@start.com.au>,
36, Male, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
36200083746
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Question:
Why is it that black men have such hostility toward black women? As
an African-American woman, age 38, I have encountered this very
extreme hostility (or extreme coldness) from my African-American
brothers. It is displayed in many ways, from making disparaging
remarks about my body to sitting next to me on the subway or bus with
a leg pressed against mine. It is for this reason that I no longer
attempt to have friendships/relationships with African-American men.
This is especially important because I have a son, age 6. If black
men are openly hostile to me, how would they treat my son?
POSTED 3/21/2000
Rhonda O., New York, NY, United States,
<Rhonda_Outlaw@ars.aon.com>, 38, Female, Lutheran,
Black/African American, Straight, Account Representative, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 321200034726
Responses:
It seems it goes both ways. It seems that black women hate black
men, too. Black men tend to dislike black women because they feel
that the black woman disrespects black men, and in turn, the black
female feels the same way.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Robert R., St. Louis, MO, United States, 17, Male, Agnostic,
Black/African American, Straight, student/game developer, Less than
High School Diploma , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 3272000124346
I am a white male, so my opinion on this probably isn't what you
had in mind. I have no idea why, but I also know it isn't all black
men who have issues with black women. I date interracially often, and
many of my partners are black women who can't find a decent black
man. They (men) seem to think that a woman is something to be
tolerated instead of cherished. Much of 'black culture' consists of
music and behavior that glorifies the degradation of women and
promotes an anti-achievement attitude. Should it surprise anyone when
some people take these messages to heart?
POSTED 3/29/2000
Dave, Atlanta, GA, United States, 31, Male, White/Caucasian, Middle
class, Mesg ID 325200055027
I wish I could say I don't believe what you're saying, Rhonda, but
I've seen it, also. From the hip-hop denigration to everyday
conversation and interaction, it seems that far too many black men
have a deep loathing, or at least a disrespect, for black women. Not
all, though. You have to remember that the wounds of slavery and Jim
Crow have yet to heal. We, as black people, have been instilled at
the cultural level with a severe self-hatred. This includes black
men's all-too-common lack of regard for black women, and vice-versa.
If you happen upon black men who are aware of this condition, and who
have taken steps to deal with this cultural illness in their lives, I
believe you will find a much warmer reception. Also, perhaps, there
may be some instances in which your expectations of such treatment
are causing you to respond in kind before the black man has a chance
to offend you. I hope your son can find a way to learn that a black
man can love black women, as well as himself. I (and many other black
men, to be sure) am living proof that it can, and does, happen.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Sam, Chicago, IL, United States, <SamAlex67@aol.com>, 32, Male,
Black/African American, Straight, Firefighter, High School Diploma ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 329200014147
To Sam of Chicago: The 'wounds of slavery and Jim Crow' are no
excuse for the dismal treatment that many of my friends and I have
received from black men - we don't deserve it. We have always loved
and supported black men through the best and worst of times. I am a
good woman, conservative in manner and dress, who is respectful and
thoughtful of others, and I instill these and other good values in my
six-year-old son, who is my world and No. 1 priority. Here is a
sample of the hostility I receive from black men: Degrading comments
about my body (I dress conservatively - some friends say too
conservatively), offers to 'stop and talk,' and when I don't respond
the way they feel I should, they become insulting, invading my
personal space by pressing their leg against mine on public
transportation, etc. It's bad enough these things happen to me, but I
become extremely resentful when it's done in front of my little boy;
he certainly doesn't deserve this. I have not attempted friendships
and, especially, 'relationships,' with black men since my son was
born. I believe the hostility black men display toward black women is
extremely dangerous to my son, and to me. As his mom, it is my
responsibility to protect him from anything and anyone who could
cause him harm. I realize my decision is extreme, but I feel that me
and my little boy are better off.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Rhonda O., New York, NY, United States,
<Rhonda_Outlaw@ars.aon.com>, 38, Female, Lutheran,
Black/African American, Straight, Account Representative, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 3292000112722
Rhonda O.: Believe me, we hear you. And without 'beating a dead
horse,' I must reiterate what Sam in Chicago wrote - there are some
HUGE issues we as African Americans (especially the brothers) have to
deal with from slavery and Jim Crow. You can't reverse all of that
self-hatred over night. No, it is not an excuse, but merely a
possible explanation. I know there's not enough of us out here, but
there are brothers who treat the sisters with the respect they
deserve. All I can say is 'each one, teach one' and eventually the
bad apples will be weeded out. I'll do my part.
POSTED 3/30/2000
A.W., Atlanta, GA, United States, <alwill22@yahoo.com>, 29,
Male, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper class, Mesg ID 330200020801
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Question:
I would like to know if women are afraid to go out with men who are
confined to wheelchairs and can do some things physically but not
others.
POSTED 1/11/1999
Reaper, Warren, MI, United States, Mesg ID 1119974117
Responses:
Wheelchairs do 'scare' some women. Perhaps they feel intimidated
that dating someone in a wheelchair would be too much of a burden. My
boyfriend is paraplegic, and even though I consider myself an
open-minded person, it took me a while to see past that. In general,
though, I think women are much more compassionate than you give them
credit for.
POSTED 3/27/2000
N. Lindsay, Boston, MA, United States, 22, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 326200091637
My boyfriend uses a wheelchair because he has no legs - he lost
them to an infection when he was 2. I didn't talk to him when we
first met, scared by his chair and lack of legs. But later, out with
friends together, I saw him jump from his wheelchair into a lounge,
walk across the floor on his arms and jump on his arms onto the
kitchen bench to make dinner. I realized he was a real man and did
everything everyone else does, just in different ways. We live
together now and have great times at home and around the city. He
doesn't care who sees him, and I'm starting to feel like that,
too.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Christine, Brisbane, NA, Australia, 23, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, systems analyst, 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 329200083607
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Question:
I am currently in a lesbian relationship and have a very close,
loving friendship with another female who is straight. We are
demonstrative with each other but not sexual. Others (including our
significant others) seem to think I can 'convert' her to being a
lesbian and have expressed concerns and jealousy over our friendship.
Why do others seem to be threatened by our friendship and seem to
view it as unacceptable to be openly affectionate with friends?
POSTED 10/15/1999
L.H., Denver, CO, United States, 36, Female, White/Caucasian,
Lesbian, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 9121999113302
Responses:
People in our society don't seem to understand that sexual
interest is only one part of a gay relationship, the same as it's not
the only part of a straight relationship. I don't know why they are
so blind. I am a lesbian, formerly straight. My best friend of 37
years needs a hug and someone to hold her when she cries now and
again - she's going through a nasty divorce - and my comforting is in
no way sexual. We're the same Rock of Gibraltar to each other we have
always been. But few would understand this. You sound like a mature
human being and a good friend. Note: I have never met a lesbian who
was 'converted.' We don't recruit - who in good conscience would try
to seduce someone into a lifestyle that is so difficult? Trust me on
this one, folks - if it's just life, we're everywhere because we're
part of society. If you want us for just sex, you won't find us. We
don't like being used to satisfy prurient curiosity.
POSTED 3/27/2000
Marilyn, Sierra Vista, AZ, United States, 49, Female, Native
American, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, customer service, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 3262000103135
It sounds like your significant others are picking up
uncomfortable vibes from you two. Are you and your friend as
physically affectionate with your significant others as you are with
each other? Do you share private jokes that go over their heads? Do
you spend more quality alone-time (coffee, movies, shopping trips)
with your friend than with your significant other? If so, you've got
some work to do. It seems to me that among lesbians and gay men, the
best friend/lover boundary can be difficult to draw. Maybe you and
your friend should tone down the physicality of your relationship -
at least for a while. If you have regular times that you spend with
each other, try to set up similar alone-time with your significant
other so that she sees you putting time and energy into her. Finally,
ask yourself if your significant others are right. Should they be
worried?
POSTED 3/27/2000
Megan L., Boston, MA, United States, 31, Female, White/Caucasian,
Lesbian, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 111200030324
Whether you are lesbian or straight, when the significant other
sees you having a good time with another, that person gets jealous. I
think there is a self-esteem issue with the jealous parties. Maybe
there just needs to be an affirmation of everyone's love for each
other - and to keep reiterating that playfulness is just that.
POSTED 3/29/2000
Jacob, Annapolis, MD, United States, Male, Mesg ID 329200012541
I would have to know more about exactly what forms of demonstating
your affection for your friend take. I am a straight female and have
a close lesbian friend, and we too are affectionate toward each
other, which has caused her lover concern, as well as my boyfriend. I
see the situation as basically being analogous to a male friend of
mine also being affectionate toward me, and tend to treat it
similarly. In other words, if your significant other is jealous, you
may want to cut back on some actions that may evoke a jealous
response. Perhaps those who are threatened may believe that certain
boundaries are being crossed, and your affection is looked upon as
being flirtatious. If it's going beyond a hug hello, and a quick kiss
on the cheek goodbye, I would opt to agree with those who are
concerned. If not, perhaps they are a little paranoid of the
situation.
POSTED 3/30/2000
Liz, Chicago, IL, United States, 30, Female, Unitarian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Fashion Designer, Over 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 3302000121219
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