Best of the Week
of March 29, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of March 29, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
A7: My question is for the
elderly: Is your self-image that of a person your current age? Or do
you think of yourself as though you were younger? At 33, I still
imagine myself as I was at 25, the height of my glory years.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Natalie W., 33, white <nataliepw@aol.com>
Orchard Lake, MI
ANSWER 1:
Good question. At 50, I have
just begun to accept myself as middle-aged, and also prefer to
envision myself in my mid-twenties, which I also think of as my glory
days. I think this all relates to the worship of youth that we are
bombarded with in the media.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
B. Hudson <hudson@pacificrim.net>
Bellingham, WA
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THE QUESTION:
R111: I teach anti-bias
education. When I use the word "nigger" in a learning situation
(i.e., a discussion about racism), I have been told that because I am
a white male, there is no acceptable context in which I should utter
that word. What do you think?
Richard C., 33, white male <richie1@mcs.net>
Chicago, IL
ANSWER 1:
N----r is an especially
offensive word even to me as a white person, unless you are using the word in an educational context (i.e.
"black people used to be called n-----.") Even then, you could
probably just say "black people were called the n-word." POSTED MARCH
30, 1998
Dan M., 40, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Maybe you should just refer
to the word as the "N-word." Even though you are using the word in
the context of discussing race relations, some people may view the
use as a challenge to them. Personally, I would feel that you were
trying to see what my response would be; i.e. would I get angry,
would I try to act as if you had not said it, etc.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Lisa J., African American female, 32 <lisa.jackson@cmsx.com>
Smyrna, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
By avoiding the word
"nigger," we are all giving it more power. If someone were to call me
a "honky," it would not bother me; in fact, I'd feel sorry for the
person who used it. If blacks tell people that the word "nigger"
bothers them and make a big deal out of it, then it will be used to
do so. The fact that broadcasters, who would otherwise report that a
political candidate had been overheard to use the word "polack" or
"dago," would actually say that the politican had been overheard to
say "the n-word", proves that blacks have given this word tremendous
power. What if I called you a "glorf?" It's the meaning behind it,
not the word, so blacks and trendy whites should not avoid this word
if it's used in a normal discussion.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
S.M., Kansas
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To S.M., Kansas: I don't
understand how you can say blacks gave the "N-word" power. The word
was coined by whites to refer to blacks in an insulting manner. As is
the case with most words, it is still viewed as an insult when spoken
by whites and blacks. I think the usage of the words by some blacks
is actually an attempt to nullify the meaning and the power the word
has. You also stated that it is the meaning behind the word, not the
word, and that blacks and trendy whites should use it in normal
conversation! Why would one need to use that word in normal
conversation unless the purpose was to offend the black person? Since
you are not offended by the word "honky," would you suggest that
blacks and trendy whites use words like honky, cracker, wetback,
dago, etc., in normal conversation? Also, what is a trendy white?
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Claire D., black female
Stone Mountain, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am an African-American, and
to me the word "nigger" is offensive and demeaning. Why anyone would
choose to add this word to a conversation, educationally or
otherwise, is highly offensive. I agree with an earlier assessment of
using "n" if a point is tryiing to be made.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Debra P., Dallas, TX
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THE QUESTION:
C2: It seems to be the "in" thing
these days for someone to say they grew up poor. What is considered
poor these days? What about middle class? What makes a person middle
class vs. poor?
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Apryl P, Black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park , MI
ANSWER 1:
In Britain (where we are
class-obsessed), your class doesn't have all that much to do with
wealt, though it may once have. It has more to do with your
expectations in life and the type of culture you belong to. At
university where almost all classes of people are poor (I think our
system is different from yours), it is still easy to spot the general
background people have come from. Usually the scruffier people are,
the higher class they are! And working-class students generally try
to look neat and tidy. Obviously I'm generalizing. I'm not sure why
it is popular to be poor - but I think often people want to be what
they aren't - the grass is always greener on the other side!
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Beth, white, middle class, 23, Edinburgh, UK
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THE QUESTION:
RE18: As an undergrad, I noticed
Jewish students favored purple clothing. I also knew of a Jewish
fraternity employing purple as one of its colors. Is there, in fact,
a connection, and if so, what is the significance?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
James J. <crash57927@aol.com>
Novi, MI
ANSWER 1:
This is in no way an
"official" explanation for the "purple" phenomenon, but here is one
possible point of view. In the Torah (the first five books of the
Bible) there is the instruction to tie tsitsi (tassels) to the
corners of our garments. These tsitsi were supposed to have been dyed
with a substance that came from a molusk that was indigenous to the
Eastern Mediterranean, and that produced a purple die that was
reserved for royalty. (The die was actually more of a fuchsia color,
but it was called blue or purple.) The garment was a rectangular
cloth worn by men and women and later evolved into the tallis (prayer
shawl) used in worship today. The tsitsi are tied in such a way to
reflect the 613 commandments in the Torah, and looking at them is
supposed to remind the wearer of the blessings of the Torah. In
modern times it has become unclear which species of molusk produces
the die, or even if it is or isn't extinct, so tsitsi are now usually
white. I personally like the color purple and wear it most of the
time, and aside from the above know of no religious or cultural
reason for wearing purple. Still, as a color that non-Jewish cultures
limited to royalty, the choice to use it in the tsitsi to me
reflected a kind of royal priesthood to which all Jews belong.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Cheryl J. M., Reconstructionist Jew, Columbus, OH
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THE QUESTION:
RE23: I have been researching
aspects of the Pagan religion for a while and have come across a
marriage practice known as "handfasting." Some have told me that this
is an engagement ceremony, but I have also read it is considered a
marriage ceremony. Aside from the legal matters, is handfasting a
formal marriage ceremony for Pagans?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Nika S. <violette@ibm.net>
Baltimore, MD
ANSWER 1:
My husband and I are Pagan,
and my dear friend has her ministerial credentials from the state of
California. There are various traditions in Paganism, and the
practice of handfasting varies from tradition to tradition, but what
is most important is the intent of the couple being handfasted. The
handfasting can be a sort of engagement, usually lasting a "year and
a day," or it can be permanent marriage, like our own. The
"officialness" depends on many things, of course. For instance, is
the officiating priest or priestess a legal minister? Ours was, so
our handfasting is a legal, state-recognized marriage. If the
priest/ess isn't a legal minister, then for a legal marriage
something like a civil ceremony is needed to make it so. There is
also the question of state laws, as some traditions perform same-sex
handfastings. So there are a number of variables, but on the whole I
would have to define it as a religious ceremony of commitment between
two people.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Leah and Ward M. <WMccreery@aol.com>
Santa Rosa, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO16: I am a straight male. When my gay friend and I go to a gay male
bar, why is it that other gay males try to pick me up when I tell
them I am straight?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Scott, Ontario, Canada
ANSWER 1:
First, your presence in a gay
bar probably makes them question your claim that you are straight.
Many men who have sex with men identify as straight, even though they
engage in all the sexual practices of gay men. Second, some gay men
seem to enjoy the challenge of seducing a straight man, much as many
straight men enjoy the "hunt" when pursuing a reluctant woman.
Lastly, some gay men express self-hatred by finding straight men more
attractive, as though they are "better" than gay men, and therefore
more desirable. This is fortunately seen less these days, but was a
common form of internalized homophobia back when gays were more
oppressed. My suggestion is just to be flattered, but polite and firm
in expressing your lack of interest.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M., 41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R116: I have come up against
the bias that I am some to blame for 400 years of black enslavement.
Why blame me? It makes me feel that I am not considered an
individual, but the sum of the white race. I treat people based on my
experiences with them, not on their ancestors. What can I
do?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Ian F., white, 31 <Iroc_56@Yahoo.com>
N.Y., NY
ANSWER 1:
I feel that most
African-Americans are not blaming any individual white person for
past wrongdoings. African-Americans are mostly concerned with the
things that white people (I am talking about those who are in
positions of power and those who support them) are doing now. Much of
the discrimination and oppression we face can be related (directly or
indirectly) to slavery. However, not all of our hardships are related
solely to that time period. I am not mad at white people for their
past wrongdoings. I am angry at those who are oppressing us and
supporting that oppression (either actively or by silence) now.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Kara H., African-American, Japan
FURTHER NOTICE:
See the reply to R87 from
Molly (in the Archives). It's a great answer to your question. I
think it's important to remember that the legacy of slavery
continues, and that every day black folks are mistreated without
deserving it, while white folks are given entitlements they haven't
earned. If you are stopped by a policeman and treated courteously,
that's an entitlement. If you go into a store and are not followed
around as if you are a thief, that's an entitlement. White folks need
to recognize all the "hidden" entitlements they get each day that
people of color do not get. As a white man, when you walk into a
room, everyone assumes you are honest, upstanding, noncriminal,
trustworthy, etc., until you prove otherwise. If you were a black
man, a lot of folks would assume the opposite until you proved
otherwise - so you would spend your whole life trying to prove things
other folks take for granted. Unlike slavery, this is happening right
now, and whites need to understand and take responsibiility for the
benefits they continue to receive from the racism in our society.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Sara, Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Sara, thank you for
responding to my question. I do not feel that personally I take for
granted the indignities you have described. I am sure that many do
not understand. I just started to write that I felt frustrated by
being judged by my skin color, and it occurs to me that this is what
you are saying. The feelings I have pale in comparision to the racism
that exists today. I am not trying to compare them. I suppose that I
am saying that I treat people as people, and that I would like the
same in return. Perhaps, I need to take a better look at my feelings
and realize that the "racism" that I am subjected to in no way
compares. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Ian F. <Iroc_56@Yahoo.com>
NY, NY
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THE QUESTION:
D3: As a recovering alcoholic,
I would like to know if society in general still views alcoholics as
a "plague," or are people beginning to aknowledge alcoholism as a
disease?
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Eve Norton <enorton@roadrunner.com>
Santa Fe, NM
ANSWER 1:
I speak only as the spouse of
an alcholic (now deceased). The disease model is a two-edged sword:
On the one hand, it lessens the stigmatization of substance abuse as
a sign of moral inferiority, especially as the underlying genetics of
susceptibility are discovered; on the other hand, if overemphasized,
it can portray the abuser as a helpless victim, and that in turn can
create a negative (if different) image. It's hard to keep to the
middle ground, especially if victimhood is rewarded in some way.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Jerry S., 49 <jerryschwartz@comfortable.com>
New Britain, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
When I took my first drink of
alcohol, I was 10, and I believe my motivation was curiosity. The
next 15 years, it was my choice to drink. Sometime after that I lost
the ability to choose, and I believe that is the onset of a physical
and mental addiction to the drug, alcohol. Ultimately, it was my
choice to seek help rather than die from the disease, and I have been
drug- and alcohol-free for seven years.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Eve N., 38, Santa Fe, NM
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THE QUESTION:
Director's Note: Question SE1 in
the "Sensitive Matters" archive, an area for viewing by adults, has
received quite a bit of attention.
THE QUESTION:
R40: I was shocked to find out
that two black women with whom I had participated in study circles on
racism were angry with me for marrying "a brother." They both have
talked to me since and said they had to work through these feelings
of dislike and have since discovered I am a pretty nice person. How
can a black woman get angry at a white woman who marries a black man
for love if they don't even know the black man? Isn't this prejudice
also?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
B.J.W., 33, white, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
I suspect this has gone
unanswered because it raises some feelings that some find hard to
face. I'm an African American female and have been guilty of what the
writer spoke about. (My sister-in-law is white, and I was initially
prepared to not like her just because of that fact; however, it
turned out that she is a good person with a kind heart.) It's more of
a resentment than a hatred. For all our lives, the media and society
have held up the white female as the standard of beauty. So when a
black man chooses to be with a white woman, it feels like a personal
slap in the face - like black women aren't good enough. There
unfortunately are brothers who shun their own race and only date
white women (and women of course who do the same). Unless we know the
people in question personally and know they are really in love, we
are skeptical and automatically assume it's the "status" thing.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Michelle, 36, African American <kmichell@umich.edu>
Ann Arbor, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R75: In England, the term "Asian"
almost always refers to people from India/Sri
Lanka/Bangladesh/Pakistan. In America, it seems it usually means
Oriental people - i.e. Chinese/Japanese/Korean, etc. In each case,
the color/features identify roughly the group, but not the precise
term to use. Is it insulting to a Pakistani to be called "Indian" or
to a Korean to be called "Chinese"?
POSTED MARCH 22, 1998
Gill Othen, 42, white, English <101540.540@compuserve.com>
Kenilworth, England
ANSWER 1:
I'm half Japanese, and if
someone says I'm of Asian descent or that I'm an Asian, that's fine -
it's a geographic qualifier. But if someone refers to me as Chinese,
I get a bit ruffled because it's a completely different culture.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Linn S., 29, <linnick@pcisys.net>
Denver, CO
FURTHER NOTICE:
My ancestors came from Japan,
but my family has been in Hawaii for more than 80 years. I was born
and raised in Hawaii and currently take residence in Washington.
People have wrongly assumed I do not speak English or that I am not
from America because of my appearance. This is why I take offense at
being called any Asian race, be it Chinese, Indian or even Japanese.
I am American and have never been anything else.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Vicky T., 25 <vickyt@bigfoot.com>
Seattle, WA
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THE QUESTION:
D4: I work in a small shop. We
have an occasional customer who is profoundly deaf. His speech is
very difficult to understand, so we usuallly communicate with notes.
He can lip-read pretty well. Is it impolite to augment my responses
with sign language (which I know very little)? His written language
skills are almost as cryptic as his speech. Am I being impolite to
"dumb-down" my written responses?
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
M. Peacock, 32 <Arulian@hotmail.com>
Sonora , CA
ANSWER 1:
Your sincere desire to
communicate is the most important thing. Deaf people have a lot of
experience trying various methods to get a message across - let
yourself go with the goal of mutual understanding, and you will
succeed. The best measure is to ask questions that can't be answered
with "yes" or "no." Some deaf people do not know English very well,
so that's why their writing can be hard to understand. (Until very
recently, deaf kids had to learn English solely through speech
reading. More fortunate deaf kids learned a visual language like
American Sign Language first, so they could have a strong language
base from which to learn English.) If you know some sign language,
try signing the words on the note - it may make more sense. Some deaf
people do not know sign language, so if you do sign, a good beginning
would be "KNOW SIGN LITTLE-BIT
ME. OK-[eye gaze]YOU?" (Translation, "I know a little sign language, would you
be amenable to using it?") Whether it's notes or signing, be sure to
use whatever visual cues you may have available. If the customer is
looking for something, ask them to draw a picture. Offer to follow
them to a place in the store if that's what they are asking about.
Mime. Charades. Best of luck! (Studied American Sign Language for
eight years, freelance interpreter for four years.)
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Jesse K., 43, white female, <jesse_the_k@hotmail.com>
Madison, WI
FURTHER NOTICE:
As the brother of a
profoundly deaf man, I would have to say that it depends on the
individual, although frequently the deaf can comprehend written
language better than they can write. This has to do with the fact
that profound deafness often affects one's socialization and learning
skills. Above all, remember: Although a deaf person may not be able
to communicate well in spoken and written word, in all likelihood the
person you ae communicating with is as intellegent as you are.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Tom G., <tgoode@interhop.net>
Toronto, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
R100: Can someone please explain
to me why white people insist on tanning (artificially or naturally)?
Especially since tanning in the sun can cause skin cancer?
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
K.C., black female, Kansas City, MO
ANSWER 1:
I tan because darker skin
looks better and healthier than being completely white. It's kind of
like natural makeup. Sure it is dangerous, i.e. skin cancer, but I
think the benefits far outweigh the risks. A pale, white person looks
like he/she is sick or something, whereas a tanned person looks much
healthier. Black people are lucky they don't have to worry about such
things.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Andrew V. , 32, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
There are subtle social
indications connected with tanning. In the 1700s and 1800s, pale skin
was considered beautiful. It indicated that a person was a member of
the rich, privileged class that didn't have to work in the sun but
got to sit indoors all day. Work situations have changed - the
lower-class worker has to sit indoors at work all day, while the rich
upper-crust get to lounge around their pools and beaches all day,
aquiring a tan. Also, some people feel a tan makes you look better.
It increases visual muscle definition and makes skin blemishes less
visible by decreasing color contrast with the rest of the face.
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour , WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Sun-tanning can have
beneficial results. Acne and psoriasis can be treated this way.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
C.M., 23, white, Eastpointe, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I used to try and tan when I
was younger. I grew up in a mixed neighborhood and had a lot of black
friends. I know I got teased a lot for being pale from my black
friends. They were just teasing, but I did want to be
tan. All my white girlfriends tanned, so it was "the thing to do." To
be honest, I am
pretty pale, and I do think I
look healthier with a tan - but it's not worth enduring sunburn and
skin cancer to get it. I think it's for the same reason that white
girls want to be so thin. All you hear growing up (as a white female)
is how you're supposed to be thin and tan and blonde, etc. I can't
speak for everyone, but I know that most of my white girlfriends had
self-esteem problems. I think the white culture places way too much
emphasis on physical traits. As I got, older I realized it was all
stupid. I don't tan, I don't wear much makeup and I weigh what I do
because it's what I feel comfortable with, not what others think I
should.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Andrea, 27, white, Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think Andrea has a point,
in that society does place too much emphasis on physical traits. My
wife, who is from the Philippines, has a delightful olive complexion
that does, however, darken with exposure to sunlight. Consequently,
she avoids exposing her skin to the sun. The average Australian, on
the other hand, still seeks the sun-bronzed look, even while the skin
cancer rate is climbing. So you have whites risking death to become
brown, while people who are brown would give anything to become
white. Very strange, no?
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
David, 51, white <dave@metzke.com.au>
Perth, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
While it may be true for
folks brainwashed into thinking that pale skin is most beautiful,
plenty of brown-skinned folks adore their naturally sun-kissed
complexions. I know African people from Limon, Costa Rica, to Harare,
Zimbabwe, to Harlem who revel in the inherent beauty of dark, boldly
black skin. Every time I visit the Carribbean, I cherish the new coat
of brown I wear back to chilly New York. So, never underestimate
black pride. Don't fall into the trap of thinking blacks want to be
white and vice versa. Blanket statments shroud truth.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Ansariyah G., African,Syracuse, NY
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