Best of the Week
of April 4, 1999
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of April 4, 1999, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from
previous weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question Code
Key:
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A=Age
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GD=General
Diversity
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RE=Religion
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C=Class
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G=Geography
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SE=Sensitive
Matters
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D=Disabilities
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O=Occupation
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SO=Sexual
Orientation
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GE=Gender
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R=Race/Ethnicity
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THE QUESTION:
RE150: As a 21-year-old female
who was born Jewish but never practiced, I am beginning to explore
other religions in hopes of finding one that suits my beliefs. I am
considering Catholicism. Do Christians see converts as "true and
equal Christians," or will I never be truly accepted as one of them?
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Kate, 21, female, Ithaca, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SO114: What do you think is the
origin of homosexuality?
POSTED DEC. 30, 1998
Yael B. 14, (heterosexual) <xyz_il@yahoo.com>, Beer-Seva, Israel
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It seems as though the main
argument relating to homosexuality is "You are born with it" vs. "it
is a choice." Anyone with any sense knows that no one would choose to
be gay. I don't understand how one could be "born gay," but I cannot
say it is not possible. I don't understand gay people who say "I knew
I was different when I was five." No one knows anything when they are five, especially regarding their
sexuality. I am a firm believer in the power of psychological
conditioning, and I believe most gay people are so because of the
environment they grew up in. I believe I am gay because my mother was
the figure I was closest to and most dependent on as I was growing
up. My father is a wonderful man, but I didn't connect with him in
the typical masculine father/son way, and because of that, he has
always been sort of distant. Therefore, it makes perfect sense to me
that I am gay.
My first memory of noticing men is
when I was in the sixth grade. I have, however, become interested in
a new theory that homosexuality is related to the amount of
testosterone in the mother's system while the fetus is developing. I
believe it is possible that this chemical difference can determine
one's sexuality. But I pretty much believe that everyone is born
bisexual, and that environmental and upbringing factors determine
which way one will lean. The most important point I can make, though,
is not to dwell on what made you this way. When I was coming out to
myself, I eventually realized it would not help me to try and figure
out what made me gay, but that I should accept that I am this way and
that it is part of who I am. It has made all the difference, and I am
perfectly content with who I am as a person.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
F. Mann, gay male, <Dr_aftershave@hotmail.com>, Raleigh, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Predominantly, I believe it's
genetic. Twins studies have shown genetics play a part in everything
from color preference to political leanings. (I can't buy the
"distant father/strong mother" theory because that wasn't the case in
my family.) Sexuality is something innate in all advanced life on
this planet, so if you believe in a Creator, then I guess you'd have
to conclude God is the originator of homosexuality - which doesn't
invalidate the scientific view in the least.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Michael, 37, gay white male, relaxed Methodist <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>,Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I disagree with people who
say that because they identify with their mother, that they are gay.
When I was growing up, I did not want to become like my father. I
identified with mother. That has molded my character to be more
emotional and caring, but not to make me homosexual. I find women
easier to talk to, and enjoy their company more.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Ronald V., 46, male, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
GE131: I was wondering why some
men with hair loss grow it long on one side and comb it over the top.
I know it's probably traumatic to lose one's hair, but do men who do
this really think nobody else notices that? They look just fine
without doing it.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Kellie L., 25, female, Medford , OR
ANSWER 1:
I am going bald and keep my
hair cropped short. However, I rarely see the top of my head and am
surprised when I do at how bald I am. So some men may actually not
realize how they look. But the answer to this question might be to
turn it around - why do women wear make-up, when it is obvious they
are wearing it and would look better without it? In both cases, it's
just an individual choice to try and look better. In the case of bald
men doing this when it obviously looks strange, it may be fashion
sense: You don't see too many men wearing Armani suits with their
hair combed this way.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Steve, 42, male and follicly impaired, Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Well, there is
long and combed over the
top, and just combed over.
For me (I am going bald) I am used to getting my hair cut a certain
way, and combing it a certain way, and it is just a hard habit to
break. But then I don't intentionally let my hair grow long to do
this. I happen to also not like getting my hair cut. I'll let it grow
until it gets down over my ears, then have it cut back up over my
ears. This way, I can go longer between haircuts. Usually, I just
tell the barber/hairdresser "up off the ears, and short all the way
around." What this actually gets me is reasonably short hair on the
sides, but a little longer hair on top. They don't like bald people
in barber shops, I guess. Anyhow, I'm not particularly picky, so I
just live with it, and comb my hair the way I learned as a
kid.
I think there are some men who really
do feel they are putting one over on you - that it makes them look
like they have more hair than they really do. In my opinion, if done
well, this can work to a degree. But it has never been my intention
to decieve.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Kyle, 33, single white male, WASP, balding <kyle.brown@bently.com>, Carson City, NV
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THE QUESTION:
RE149: If, as it is written in
the Bible, God sees the end from the beginning, then what possibly
can be changed by prayer? Isn't prayer an assumption the God has made
a mistake and needs to change the future (which has already happened
as far as God is concerned)? Does God really make mistakes?
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
G.P. Axe <gpax@spacestar.net>, St. Paul, MN
ANSWER 1:
A man on a tall building can
see two cars that are about to collide. If he has a cell phone, he
can warn one or both of the cars to prevent a collision. Knowing the
end from the beginning doesn't mean that it has already happened.
Prayer is primarily communion with God. Answered prayer isn't God
changing His plans to suit someone, but God meeting our needs by
means we wouldn't normally consider. A mechanical breakdown of a
delivery truck can occur in the middle of nowhere, or by an orphanage
in need of food. God doesn't cause a truck to break down; poor
maintenance does. But He can use events to meet others' needs.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Ronald V., 46, male, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE:
This question shows that you
have been doing a lot of thinking, which is great. I think the
problem you are having is putting too much responsibility on God.
Imagine you were a teacher, and your kindergarten class went to the
playground. You told your class that they could do what they wanted,
but you were there to help them. One kid fights everyone and bullys
the other kids, and says he doesn't have to listen to you. Another
kid is having a fight with someone about who got to the swing first.
Finally, they go to you and say, "We both say we were here first.
What should we do?" You give them an answer they can agree on, and
they become more mature. The next time this happens, they will act
more grown up. That's all prayer is. God gives free will, and you
allow God to intervene, making you a little more like God.
As far as seeing the future from the
beginning, it also says that God is in the past, present and future.
Time is simultaneous. However, I believe the future is different in
that it is always changing, depending on what we choose to do. In
A Christmas
Carol, Scrooge sees the
future, but by changing the present, he also changes the future.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Craig, gay white male, 35 <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There is little mention of
God being omnipotent in the Bible. This concept emerged later when
certain European rulers wanted to embellish their authority by
promoting the concept of God controlling everything, and thus if I'm
in charge it must be because God wants it that way. The Bible has
many examples of God trying things that don't work out that well,
implying that God is not all powerful or all-knowing. Examples: Adam
and Eve in the garden, God trying to intimidate residents of Israel
to make way for the Jews. This is discussed in a recent book by Greg
Easterbrook titled Beside
Still Waters.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
B. Hale <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
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THE QUESTION:
SO132: To straight high school
age or younger readers only: What have been the primary influences
regarding your understanding, beliefs and comprehension of sexual
orientation? Parents? Peers? Religious teachings? School? TV?
Reading? Internet? What are those beliefs, and how have they changed
(if any) since your earliest awareness that not everyone is
heterosexual? Has first-hand exposure to gay friends or family
members influenced your beliefs?
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
DykeOnByke, 48, soon-to-be lesbian grandmother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
ANSWER 1:
Most of the understanding I
have gained about homosexuality has come from knowing and interacting
with homosexuals. Now that there is a growing population of teenagers
who feel comfortable expressing their sexuality, I interact and
communicate with teen homosexuals on a daily basis. Though I've been
brought up in a Christian community that in general is "against"
homosexuality, I have learned that a human is a human, and sexual
preference, just like physical appearance, disabilities, age, race,
or any other discriminating factor, has nothing to do with the
goodness of a person's heart.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
K. Baker, Raleigh NC
FURTHER NOTICE:
My primary influence has been
my parents. They are really such open-minded, loving people. It's
funny though, because I don't remember ever giving a thought to
sexual orientation when I was younger. However, as I grew up, and
society taught me there was a "difference" between people, my
parents' teachings have led me to as follows: Free love! Love is so
precious and rare that if you are lucky enough to find it, hold fast
and cherish it. Whether it is with men, women, kids, cats, dogs, the
important thing is being happy. To most of my peers, being gay wasn't
"cool" and so the boys tormented a guy friend of mine. He and two
relatives are the only homosexual people I know personally, but that
hasn't really affected me; I would feel the same way had I not known
them. And congrats on becoming a grandma!
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Jennifer, straight, black, 17, senior, Brooklyn , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a high school student who
has not yet made up his mind as to whether he is straight, bisexual
or gay, I have to say peer presure has been the most influential
thing. I go to one of the top 50 high schools in the country (as
rated by Money magazine), and from my friends, I am given
the distinct impression that homosexuality is an "OK for them but not
for us" thing. My parents have been very supportive, saying numerous
times, both during and not during sex chats, that whatever I choose
is OK with them. However, since I am the only male youth of my family
name, my grandfather (father's side) is putting a lot of pressure on
me to get married and have children at some point. I am Jewish and
conservative, so the official religious viewpoint is "Homosexuality
is a sin, but the least important one in the Bible" (I realize this
may not be the official Jewish viewpoint, but it is what my Hebrew
school teachers believe). I am still a virgin, so I have nothing
physical to compare it with. Maybe I am straight, maybe I am gay,
maybe I am bi. I do not know, and in the end, whatever G-d has
blessed me to be, I will be.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
High School Sophmore <the_prophet@bolt.com>
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THE QUESTION:
G76: I recently had a discussion
with a woman who believed that the United States had stolen Texas
from Mexico and that Caucasians and African Americans had no right to
be here. Do Mexicans really believe Texas is rightfully a part of
Mexico?
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
J.D., 30, white male <Spazdog30@msn.com>, Arlington, TX
ANSWER 1:
The first part of her
assertion is historically accurate. In spite of what the myth of the
Alamo would have you believe, Texas was stolen by force from Mexico
by outsiders, namely Anglos from the United States. But as for Anglos
and blacks not belonging here, I and every Mexican I know don't
believe that. I do know most resent it when the media or Anglos refer
to us as an immigrant group, when most of us are native. Our
ancestors were here quite a bit before yours, so being lumped in with
illegal aliens is wrong, both factually and morally. I don't know any
Latinos who want Texas to be part of Mexico, either. Many of us have
visited Mexico and don't care for the corruption or poverty. I wonder
if you are misreading her anger over exclusion and racism in the
United States to mean she wants to be back in Mexico, when actually
she might simply want America to live up to its promise - that there
be a true society of equals here.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian <bigi__@yahoo.com>, San Antonio, TX
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THE QUESTION:
R643: While watching a show on
the U.S. Space program the other night, I was struck by the fact that
all of the engineers were white males. Recognizing that the time
depicted was the 1960s, I did some research and found that the
engineering field is still dominated by white males. Data showed that
while there has been some increase in women and minorities in
engineering, engineering graduates are still 80 percent white male.
This contrasts to fields like medicine and law, where white males now
make up less than half. Why aren't more women and minorities drawn to
engineering?
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
Steve, 31, white male engineer, Houston , TX
ANSWER 1:
I find that question strange
because there are quite a large number of families of Asian
background that encourage or even force their children, male or
female, to go into engineering programs in universities. As a college
student, I see many engineering students of Asian background at my
school.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Cynthia, 19, female, Canadian of Chinese descent, Kingston, Ontario,
Canada
FURTHER NOTICE:
While I might dispute your
statistics based on my own observations as an engineering student at
Virginia Tech, I do think I have an answer to your final question.
Consider that engineering requires a very strong background in math
and sceince, depending on your field. It has only been recently that
women and minorities were given the same opportunities to study these
subjects in high schools. My mother, for instance, was advised to
take "home economics" classes in high school (sewing, cooking, etc.),
while the men took college prep courses. Now women have the chance to
prove themselves. In addition, the quality of education varies in
certain areas. The sad fact is that inner-city schools, where a great
number of non-white children are educated, often offer less-advanced
courses. They usually have to focus on getting students to pass basic
skill tests or similar exams. Add to all of this the still-lingering
problem of student tracking and things get worse. Non-white students
have been traditionally steered into vocational programs rather than
college prep, and that is only slowly changing.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
John K., 25, white male <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Possibly women are not drawn
to engineering because it is not as people-oriented as medicine and
law. Although there is a wide variety of fields in engineering, all
are related to natural and man-made materials. There is no room for
interpersonal relations except with colleagues, and only
pharmaceutical engineering comes close to being perceived as helpful
to others.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
W.D., female, 20 years in engineering field, PA
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THE QUESTION:
O47: I have quite a few health
problems and visit doctors' offices frequently, and I am finding less
and less personal attention from the doctors. I suffered with a
painful distended abdomen for three months while doctors simply told
me the pain was in my head instead of listening to my symptoms. Why
does it take visiting numerous offices and dishing out mega bucks to
find a doctor who will listen to you as a patient and person?
(Director's note: Y? would be
interested in hearing responses from doctors.)
POSTED MARCH 29, 1999
27-year-old female suffering from Crohn's Disease, Erie, PA
ANSWER 1:
Some doctors are better than
others - and so are their staff --so if you find a good one, stick
with them! Unfortunately, the overhead of running an office and
hiring staff makes many doctors see patients for no longer than five
minutes at a time so they can see 40 or more people a day. Many
offices need one or two staff members who do nothing but sit on the
phone fighting with HMOs all day. To pay for that extra person's
salary, more patients have to be seen - but the care is more rushed.
It's a vicious cycle. We need to change what's going on.
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
An RN, West Palm Beach, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R641: I live in a nice, but not
fancy or rich, suburb north of Detroit. My brother recently had some
of his work buddies (they are black) over to watch the NCAA playoffs.
Three of the five guys were from the ghettos (their word, not mine)
of inner-city Detroit and mentioned that they were very nervous about
coming from the "City" to the "Burbs." Does this surprise anyone
else?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
C.H.P., white, Metro-Detroit , MI
ANSWER 1:
I grew up in Detroit and
never felt comfortable in the suburbs. I'm from a well-to-do,
racially mixed section of the city, but you have to understand that
Detroit is mostly black, has a black mayor, etc. So a lot of blacks
aren't used to being around white people - just as a lot of whites
aren't used to being around blacks. Also, you might remember the time
that the mayor of Dearborn said he didn't want blacks in his city,
and the tensions between the city and the suburbs, which are driven
by race. Even though I grew up around all types of people, I dread
going to the suburbs because I'm always afraid someone is going to
shout racial epithets at me, or worse. Suburbs have never been very
welcoming to minorities, and it might surprise a lot of white people
to know that blacks are often very uncomfortable in situations when
there are no other blacks around, just as whites are often terrified
when they're the only whites around. Also, your friends probably like
living in Detroit and don't see the suburbs as an "oasis" from the
city.
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
Black woman, 28, Chicago, IL
FURTHER NOTICE:
It doesn't surprise me.
There's one suburb in the Boston area where the police have stopped
black motorists driving through it so much that they have nick-named
the offense "driving while black."
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
Susan, black female, Boston , MA
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