Best of the Week
of April 9, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of April 9, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
In my hometown, it was a commonly held stereotype that
Italian-Americans had a preference for what most consider to be gaudy
possessions. I found this stereotype to be true. Not all Italians
have 'poor taste' when judged from a middle-American standard, but I
knew a disproportionately large amount of Italian-American families
with houses filled with rococo furniture, clear vinyl-covered carpets
and furniture, loud wallpaper, yards covered in statuary and
fountains, initials on the garage door, large Cadillacs with
aftermarket vinyl roofs in the driveway, ornate wrought-iron fences
surrounding the property, elaborate shrines to the Virgin Mary, and
so on. Many Italian-American families also paved or bricked over much
of the front lawn. Why are these tastes so prevalent among
Italian-Americans?
POSTED 4/13/2000
Dave, Denver, CO, United States, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 46200053028
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why is it that sometimes people who help disabled people make them do
the most inappropriate activities in relation to their disability?
For example, I have seen people make blind people jump off a diving
board. Do you think that these disabled people are really missing out
on this activity, or do you see it as them getting over their
disability?
POSTED 4/13/2000
R. Sterken, Ontario, NA, Canada, 19, Female, Muslim, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, Upper middle class,Mesg ID 412200071538
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do people from other countries hate Americans so much? They say
Americans are stupid, slow, fat, etc... How can anyone say negative
things about a whole group of people with a clear conscience? I
consider someone who says that all Americans are this way as
offensive as saying all blacks are that way.
POSTED 4/12/00
Terry, San Francisco, CA, United States, 16, Male, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Less than High School Diploma ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 482000121607
Responses:
I'm not American and don't hate Americans. But to address the
stereotypes you cite 1) Americans are stupid: I don't think Americans
are stupid. America has had a lot of inventions, and technologically,
the United States is the most advanced country in the world. However,
many people from other countries think Americans - from presidential
candidates to former vice presidents to many regular folks - are
quite naive because they are so self-centered. Even with the easily
accessible information technology most Americans have, they don't
know much about what's going on the world. So how can you blame
others when they say Americans are stupid? 2) Americans are slow: The
pace of life of most Americans is quite fast compared with most
African, Latin American and European countries, but slower compared
with some countries in the Far East. There is nothing wrong with
being slower; it is just a matter of comparison. 3) Americans are
fat: I'd have to say that on average, Americans are the most
overweight people in the world. It is just a fact; go all around the
world and you won't find any countries that have that many fat
people! Stereotyping is not right, but unfortunately, many people in
and outside the United States still use it to judge people, because
it is an easy and lazy way to come to conclusions about people.
POSTED 4/13/2000
J.C., Boston, MA, United States, 29, Male, Asian, Straight, Over 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 41200100148
It's not right for anyone to make sweeping generalizations about a
whole group of people, because those generalizations will always be
wrong. But people do it all the time. As for people hating Americans,
some do and some don't. The United States is a huge country with a
lot of wealth and resources compared with a lot of other countries.
Some people look up to Americans, and others dislike us for this. The
United States also gets involved in the conflicts of other countries
all the time. This either makes friends or enemies, depending on
which side of the conflict a person is on.
POSTED 4/13/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 412200022818
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
As a black male who has dated white and black girls, I want to know
why black girls are so difficult. I have found that most white girls
are polite and considerate of their partner's feelings, whereas most
black girls tend to be downright rude most of the time. They seem to
want everything to go their way while giving very little in return.
Is this common, or is this just my perception?
POSTED 4/13/2000
Jon, Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, <jon_harder@hotmail.com>,
20, Male, Black/African American, Straight, Upper class, Mesg ID
472000110524
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I recently admitted to myself and several close friends that I am
bisexual. Now I am looking for a relationship with another man, but
how do you tell if another guy is interested without offending a
straight guy by mistake? Note: because I am still in high school, I
do not want anyone who is not gay/bi to know about my orientation.
Although I come from a tolerant upper middle class school, I have
seen it hurt others.
POSTED 4/13/2000
Alex, Elkins Park, PA, United States,
<first_wizard@hotmail.com>, 16, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, High School Student, Less than High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 4122000111409
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
A Realtor I've known for years confirms that many whites refuse to
knowingly buy a house from a black if they intend to live in the
house instead of hold it as an investment. He noted that this
practice is less rampant today than several years ago. I know of one
black family that claims to have lost a sale when an anxious
potential white buyer visited the property and realized the owner was
black. The prospective buyer apparently refused to even enter the
house. Why would a white buyer feel this way?
POSTED 4/12/2000
Floyd L., Memphis, TN, United States,
<lastchild@worldnet.att.netr>, 59, Male, Black/African
American, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 492000124219
Responses:
Some white people are racists, and if their hatred is so strong
against blacks, this would be a reason for them to not purchase a
home - just as blacks who are racist against whites and have such
hatred against whites will not buy a home in a predominantly white
neighborhood. I live in a predominantly white neighborhood, and yes,
neighbors have commented that if a black family were to move in on
their block, their home would be up for sale. I feel very strongly
against segregation and racism, but realize that it is still a force
in today's world. Certain neighborhoods in the Chicago area do
attempt to create an environment of racial unity and
non-descrimination (Oak Park is an example), but typically, the
neighborhoods here are very segregated. One reason I can think of is
that predominantly white neighborhoods that at one time flourished
and were kept up very well have deteriorated, and the property values
have diminished once an element of destructive behavior/black gang
violence unfolded. Being a Chicago native and having a family
background here since the early 1900s, I can understand this opinion.
Certain predominantly black neighborhoods in this region include
deteriorated housing, boarded-up windows, garbage, violence, gang
activity, drugs, etc., and this is what is seen through our eyes when
we enter a black urban neighborhood. This same neighborhood was at
one time safe to walk in at night, well-maintained and well-managed.
The before-and-after pictures are drastic and saddening. To be
honest, many of the predominantly white neighborhoods are not
gang-ridden or deteriorated, are well-kept and maintain a much lower
crime rate. Perhaps the fear of an area being disrespected and having
it decline into a degenerate environment is what fuels this
situation.
POSTED 4/13/2000
Linda, Chicago, IL, United States, 26, Female, White/Caucasian,
Nurse, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
412200070934
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
The term 'White Castle' is mentioned in Eminem's song 'My Name Is'
and by KRS-One when he collaborated with the Rascalz on 'Where You
At.' What does it mean?
POSTED 4/13/2000
Chris, Kitchener, NA, Canada, 18, Agnostic, White/Caucasian,
Straight, High School Student/Meat Clerk, Less than High School
Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 472000115114
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I find the supermarket tabloids (National Enquirer, The Globe, etc.)
abominable. They even sling mud at little kids like JonBenet Ramsey
and Kathie Lee's kid. Even though their only target seems to be
celebreties (willing or unwilling, such as Monica Lewinsky), I still
cringe at the thought of these tabloids ever digging up largely
fabricated dirt about me if I ever became famous. How can anyone
stomach such yellow journalism? If you buy them, why do you?
Obviously they sell like hotcakes, because they're featured
prominently at every checkout stand I've ever stood in.
POSTED 4/12/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, student, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
4112000112643
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Men, what is your dream woman? How does she look, what does she say,
what does she do? Women, what is your dream man? How does he look,
what does he say and do? Be honest. Don't say you like romantic
men/women just because it's the thing to say. What's beautiful seems
to always change with fashion, but some things never change. So what
do we truly appreciate in each other?
POSTED 4/2/2000
Adriana, Harrisburg, PA, United States, 17, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Less than High School Diploma , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 3312000125153
Responses:
As cliched as it may sound, the biggest characteristic in my
dream woman would be personality. If there's no personality, it
really does make a difference in terms of both communication and
feeling good around her. I think I have lots of personality, so being
with a personality-less girl makes me feel like I'm on a one-way
road. I've always found brunette hair to be sexy (most guys go for
redheads, but I like brunettes the best). She's GOTTA have a
beautiful smile: One that would make me wanna smile, too. And of
course, a sex drive is also a must. Guys like sex, and there are
times when we can't control our urges, especially when in the arms of
a girl we can call our own.
POSTED 4/12/00
David, New Orleans, LA, United States, 26, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 49200054023
My idea of a perfect girl, despite the fact that this is
superficial, is someone who is athletic and very fit. She must be
someone I am physically attracted to first before I want to get to
know her. A girl's personality and overall nature comes second to me.
I don't go with the idea that people are big-boned or have some sort
of metabolism problem; if a girl is fat, it is because she is fat and
eats a lot of crap, and there's nothing more to it. Too many people
hide behind medical terms instead of facing the fact that they are
lazy and can't take of their bodies; that is why I need a girl who is
fit.
POSTED 4/12/00
Jon, Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, <jon_harder@hotmail.com>,
Male, Black/African American, Mesg ID 47200010045
Perfection is unrealistic. It doesn't exist in women, men or
almost anything. That said, the things important to me in a woman are
a sense of humor, an independent spirit, boatloads of affection and
warmth, intelligence, confidence, wit and passion for something that
doesn't involve me. I want someone who's happy being herself and
doesn't need me to complete a picture; in other words, someone who
wants me more than needs me. At the same time, I want someone who
loves me the way I am and lets me know it.
POSTED 4/12/00
Andrew, Huntington, NY, United States, <ziptron@start.com.au>,
36, Male, Straight, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 44200085000
My dream man is a woman.
POSTED 4/12/00
Kathryn, Roanoke, VA, United States, Female, Mesg ID 442000103439
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Can black people grow their hair long? They always seem to have
either short hair or weaves or wigs. Is it that they're impatient or
because it just doesn't grow that long?
POSTED 4/2/2000
Michelle, Chico, CA, United States, 19, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Mesg ID 331200030736
Responses:
That is an excellent question. I'm a black woman who has long
hair (collarbone length). A lot of black women like to keep their
hair short for managability reasons; another reason is that we have a
tendency to use a mixture of chemical relaxers (hair straighteners)
and apply a lot of heat to our hair. That may cause damage and
breakage, which will force the purchase of a wig or weave job. In
conclusion, yes, black women can grow long hair - I have been doing
so for 30 years.
POSTED 4/12/00
Stephanie, Marietta, GA, United States, 30, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Technician, Over 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 45200070451
Black people can grow long hair, just like everyone else. If we
couldn't, we'd all be bald. Unfortunately, the procedures many of us
use to alter our hair's natural texture, such as perms and pressing
with hot combs, often break and damage it. Have you ever seen someone
with dreadlocks? They don't participate in any hair-breaking
activities, and some of them have glorious, waist-length hair.
POSTED 4/12/00
E.D., Kansas City, MO, United States, 43, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 45200074445
Yes, black people can and do grow their hair long. In my mother's
family, all of the women either have or have had long hair (my
grandmother could sit on her hair, it was so long). What the issue
really is is one of maintenance. My grandmother kept her hair long;
my mother, when she was working, had less time to do the necessary
maintenance, so she wore her hair shorter (shoulder length). When she
retired, she let it grow out, so now it falls halfway down her back.
I, too have long hair (middle of my back), and while the maintenance
takes a considerable amount of time, 1) I like having long hair, and
2) the look of disbelief from people is an extra 'bonus.' I am amazed
by the strangers who will walk up to me and ask whether my hair 'is
grown or bought,' or have the gall to touch it, 'to see if it's
real.' (I normally respond by grabbing a handful of their hair, and
asking them the same question). Also, in regard to maintenance, cost
can become an issue. I do my maintenance myself, because when I
priced having it done at various salons a few years ago, I was told
by more that one beautician that she would have to charge me twice
the basic fee, as it would take her twice as long to do my hair.
While I felt her reasoning was fair, at that time I could not afford
to have it done; now, I continue to care for my hair myself 1) as a
matter of personal convenience (don't have to leave the house), and
2) since I can care for it myself, honestly, I'd rather save the
money. In addition, there are some people who just prefer short hair.
One of my cousins had beautiful long hair as a little girl (waist
length), and as long as I can remember, she wanted to wear it short.
She and her mother came to the agreement that if she wanted to cut it
on her 16th birthday, she could do so. My cousin postponed her
birthday party so that she could get her hair cut the minute she woke
up on her birthday! She continues to maintain a short 'do -simply
because she prefers to.
POSTED 4/12/00
G.E.Long, Chicago, IL, United States, <gelong@usa.net>, 38,
Female, Catholic, Black/African American, Straight, IT Management,
Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 472000115035
The problem with black people's hair is that the chemicals used to
perm it tend to retard its growth. Nevertheless, there are people out
there who use the perm kit, and it does not affect them. I have
noticed that those with dreadlocks have very long hair, because it is
chemical-free.
POSTED 4/12/00
Ify, Miami, FL, United States, 22, Female, Catholic, Black/African
American, Straight, student, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
47200051414
Haven't you ever seen dreadlocks that are very long? The reason
many black people don't have long hair, particularly women, is that
many of the chemical processes used to make hair more manageable
(mostly relaxers, which straighten hair) are potentially damaging to
hair, causing breakage, etc. Non-chemically-treated hair is usually
easier to manage short, but that varies from person to person. For a
very thorough explanation of this, the website www.wanakee.com might
help a little.
POSTED 4/12/00
Mel, Gunnison, CO, United States, 19, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Student/carhop, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
48200022134
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I'm confused about how girls think. I've been going out with my
girlfriend for a while, and we couldn't get along any better. But
I've noticed she seems to talk about old boyfriends and the things
they did together a lot, almost like she is talking to one of her
girlfriends instead of me. It kind of bothers me because I don't care
to hear who she went out with or what they did together. Is there any
reason she would share this with me? Or anything I should do? I
almost feel like just an object to her. But I want our relationship
to work out.
POSTED 4/2/2000
David, Talladega, AL, United States, 20, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, student, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 331200053734
Responses:
She trusts you enough to speak openly. Is that such a bad
thing?
POSTED 4/12/00
Ava, Alhambra, CA, United States, 24, Female, White/Caucasian, Mesg
ID 492000114153
As a woman who has done this before, I can tell you that your
girlfriend is baiting you. She does not want you to question the
relationship itself; she wants to gauge your feelings for her by
seeing if she can provoke jealousy from you. It is weird, but true.
To many women, jealousy equals love, and if you aren't jealous, we
take that to mean that you don't care.
POSTED 4/12/00
Cari M., Cincinnati, OH, United States, <tcrca@juno.com>, 23,
Female, Baptist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Homemaker, High School
Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 452000122929
She wants you to be better than the old guy, and she wants to
prove that it is right to choose you! Don't make her disappointed.
Just show her your outstanding points.
POSTED 4/12/00
Sam, Beijing, NA, China, Mesg ID 46200093321
Either your girlfriend is not over her old boyfriend, or she is a
complete moron and has no clue that talking about her ex would bother
you. Or, their is the possibility she is trying to make you jealous.
But probably she is not yet over him, and because you are now the
person she spends most of her time with and talks to the most, she
will talk to you about it. I would suggest telling her how you
feel.
POSTED 4/12/00
Jon, Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, 20, Male, Mesg ID 472000100911
Just a guess based on my own and friends' personal experience:
Maybe your girlfriend is trying to give you hints about what she'd
like you to do - i.e. 'My ex-boyfriend used to take me out dancing,'
she says, thinking she wishes you would do that, hoping that you'll
follow suit and take her out dancing (or whatever), too. Read between
the lines; that's my advice. As annoying as these references may be,
it is likely that she's trying to communicate what she wishes you
would do, rather than trying to make you jealous or intentionally
being maudlin or anything like that.
POSTED 4/12/00
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, student, Mesg ID 46200013137
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I'm heterosexual but find myself deeply in love with a man. I've
since gone to gay bars 'just to see' and wasn't attracted to the men.
I'm not attracted to any women now, either. Just this one guy. I'm
really stressing; my life is falling apart. Any insights?
POSTED 4/2/2000
Jay, Oakland Park, FL, United States, 38, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 331200095701
Responses:
First, why is your life falling apart? If you have strong
feelings for someone, you should address them in an adult manner. The
best way to deal with anything is to face it. Have a talk with the
man. Feel it out and do it at a pace that is acceptable to both of
you. You might find you are confused about your feelings or truly in
love. Whichever, the only way you will find balance is to meet with
this guy and come to some understanding for yourself. Also, don't
forget, you live in a culture that has such a stigma attached to
being a gay person. Be true to yourself and your feelings, respect
the other person involved and plan on learning a lot about yourself
and human interactions.
POSTED 4/12/00
Matthew, New York, NY, United States, 42, Male, Gay, Middle class,
Mesg ID 45200080228
Here's some insight: You are gay! If you are not interested in
other men and women, it means, quite simply, that you're in love.
Good Luck. I hope he feels the same.
POSTED 4/12/00
Danielle K., Lakehurst, NJ, United States,
<daniellekoukos@worldnet.att.net>, 24, Female, Systems
Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
43200084751
We're talking about denial. Your confusion stems from the fact
that you are trying to fit into a category, either straight or gay.
Because you are in love with a certain man, it is clear that you have
the ability to love men. You don't have to be the type of guy who
lisps, wears leathe and hangs out at gay bars in order to have
homosexual tendencies. After all, not every straight man gets his
kicks out of bars, clubs and pick-up joints, either. So why not throw
denial, confusion and categories aside and simply love whomever you
love and not try too hard to pigeonhole yourself?
POSTED 4/12/00
Iona J., Tucson, AZ, United States, 32, Female, Pagan,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 410200011333
The ways of love surprise us all at one time or another. Love has
certainly surprised you in the directions it now leads you. You're
not the first, but these surprises can shock, disorient, even pain,
and learning that you're not the first is no solace. Sorry, I have
few insights to help you. But let me add a couple of other notes I
hope may help you in a difficult time. First, I admire your
willingness to explore gay bars 'just to see.' But bars aren't the
answer. Neither are the men in them. You're NOT looking for love.
Your problem is that love has found you. So forget the labels: don't
worry now about declaring yourself as straight or gay. The real
question, the important question: Does he love you? If so, why not
explore this part of your lives? Why not act on your love, as slowly
as feels comfortable? Find out who the two of your are and what you
two want. Maybe you'll discover that what you both want is to share
the joy of life together. Sounds great to me! If, alas, he doesn't
love you, the world will be painful, but not over. He may have given
you a great gift: the opportunity to discover a part of yourself
hidden until now. If so, you may want to meet other gay people.
Unless you're comfortable in your sexuality, I'd advise you to stay
away from gay bars. Once they were the only place for men-loving men
to meet each other. Now you have lots of other options, places where
you can meet other men outside the context of sex. Check out these
other venues. Some of your distress comes from your definition of
self: a heterosexual man who deeply loves another man, spiritually,
probably physically. It's the labels that cause the pain. Later on,
if labels are useful, then use them. But for now rejoice that you're
Jay discovering another rich world of love. And maybe if this doesn't
work out you'll find yourself in love with a woman. Think of all the
ways in which you might enrich such a relationship with what you
learn from this one.
POSTED 4/12/00
Thom, Washington, DC, United States, 57, Male, Gay, Over 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 46200062334
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why are there not many young, married, African-American female
homemakers? Does this have to do with feminism?
POSTED 4/2/2000
Amoranda, Washington, DC, United States, 30, Female, Muslim,
Black/African American, Straight, Homemaker, 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 42200040835
Responses:
If I am not mistaken, most African-American women in our history
have had to work just to keep the family fed, clothed and housed.
This is true of most of the older African-American females I've
known. The only one I can remember NOT working is my grandmother, who
is now in her late 70s. But when she was newly married back during
World War II, she had to work, even though my grandfather was
classified 4F. Such is the case when for many years, black men were
not able to get good enough jobs to support a family by themselves.
These days, it may be a combination of feminism, tradition, a desire
for the fufillment work brings and the fact that a lot of men do not
seem to want wives who don't work, especially since most people
believe it takes two incomes to have a lifestyle consistent with the
'American Dream.' But that's another category, isn't it? POSTED
4/12/00
Miranda, New York, NY, United States, 30, Female, Unitarian,
African/Irish/Cherokee-American, Straight, Coordinator, Over 4 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 452000122044
Many people have the idea that women did not work outside the home
except in the last few decades. This is not true, especially among
women of color. The fact is that the wages for black, Mexican and
Asian men were much lower than those for white men. White men had
more educational oportunitues and opportunities for advancement in
their jobs than men of color, and could better support their families
financially. Women of color have always worked because it was
necessary for the financial survival of the family. Who do you think
cleaned the wealthy and upper-middle class white women's houses and
took care of their children?
POSTED 4/12/00
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 411200052935
There are a multitude of reasons why there are not that many
female African-American homemakers. Some of it is feminism, but it is
mostly economic. Most black males balk at the suggestion - they
simply can't afford it or don't want to. And, you have black women
who absolutely refuse to stay at home while the man brings home the
money (hopefully). In this country there is a strain between the
sexes - black women here have always made more money than black men,
so there is tension. There is a question of steady employment of
black males, morals and more - the list can go on forever.
POSTED 4/12/00
Stephanie, Marietta, GA, United States, 30, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Technician, Middle class,Mesg ID
45200071534
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Copyright
and disclaimer