Best of the Week
of April 12, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of April 12, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Site improvement
update here.
THE QUESTION:
R95: Is claustrophobia more prevalent in Western cultures as opposed
to the more closely knit Eastern cultures?
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
Michael M., MI
ANSWER 1:
I'm a Westerner living in
Japan, and while I can't speak to the clinical "claustrophobia"
aspect of your question, I can say that Japanese people in general
seem more tolerant of close quarters than the average American. The
concept of personal privacy differs here, an outgrowth of the
close-knit features of the society you spoke of. Homes are closer
together, people sit closer in restaurants, stand closer in line or
on the subway. Many homes and apartments are half the average U.S.
size or smaller, and people just take this as a matter of course -
it's normal here. My own apartment is rather old, but it's of
comparable size to many units Japanese families with small children
live in. To be honest, I haven't a clue how they manage - I just need
more personal space, a little more privacy. Whether this tolerance
for proximity and smaller living quarters would affect the incidence
of claustrophobia, I don't know. It might be more accurate to ask if
the social conditions
in the West (or United States)
result in an increased incidence of claustrophobia compared with
Asian cultures.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Geoff C. <boston@eolas-net.ne.jp>
Asahikawa, Japan
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THE QUESTION:
RE25: Director's Paraphrase:
W.O.C. of Dearborn, Mich., asks why it seems that (what he terms)
many Catholic priests have been found to sexually abuse young boys
who are parishioners at their churches. Y? would prefer
someone who has investigated and/or studied this situation to answer
the question.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
ANSWER 1:
As a psychotherapist, I've
worked with a few members of the Catholic clergy, and I've thought a
lot about human sexuality. These factors occur to me: 1) Priests are
expected to live as though they have no sexuality. No one can achieve
this, though some people can adjust to the expectation better than
others. 2) The anti-sexual bias in Christianity (and many other
religions) tends to produce shame. When the person's sexuality bursts
through that wall, it is usually distorted into something that
conforms to the expectation: That is, it's shameful. Shamefulness
comes to have its own sexual thrill. Priests often carry a heavy load
of this burden. 3) Another factor: Men who, for whatever personal
reason, can't deal with their sexuality, may try the priesthood as an
attempt to escape it. These men are even less able to deal with
celibacy. Many of the child-molestation cases involve girls or both
girls and boys. The issue here is pedophilia - sexual attraction to
children - more than homosexuality. Gay priests who act on sexual
impulses have sex with men, not children. This brings us to 4)
Pedophiles are unable to cope with the complexities of relating
sexually to an equal. The pedophile needs to feel powerful, needs to
have a sexual "partner" who cannot challenge him (or more rarely,
her) or threaten his/her sense of being in control. Therefore, if a
man has entered the priesthood because he needs to have his sense of
authority shored up by being "the voice of God," (and if he has
serious problems of personal development) he may pose a greater risk
to children.
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Will H., gay, white, 48, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Be careful not to confuse
perception with reality. In the '80s, certain changes in child
protection laws made molestation cases a big political boost for
successful prosecutors. Accusations of molestation are also difficult
to defend against and are extremely devastating, whether true or not.
These factors created a huge boom in molestation accusations and
prosecutions into a least the early '90s. Then you started to hear
about the gross miscarriages of justice that resulted. Priests are
particularly vulnerable to these kinds of things because the
accusations are particularly sensational, their jobs require them to
give counsel privately and they live alone on church property. That's
not to say it doesn't happen, it just isn't unusually out of
proportion with the general population. With the backlash that arose
against some of these flagrant abuses, you don't see nearly as many
of them any more and the accusations against priests are also down.
Also, to say a person is denying their sexuality by not acting on it
and that this can someday explode into pedophilia is a scary thought.
For instance, to say that if some lurid billboard catches my eye and
my sexuality is temporarily awakened but I do not act on it, that I
may then go on to molest children, is an absurdity too frightening to
think about.
Peter P., Roman Catholic <PPROUT20@aol.com>
Redford, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE16: To married women: How
many times per week do you think is an adequate frequency of sex?
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
T.M., Detroit, MI
ANSWER 1:
That depends on the woman. It
also depends on how she is feeling about her partner at the time.
Personally, I am happy with once or twice a week. When we are getting
along really well and turned on by each, other we can have sex
several times a day. When we are in a slump, it can be a month before
we give in. I think anytime she feels close to you and good about
herself - you know, when she can't keep her hands off you and laughs
at your silly jokes, gives you a lot of friendly eye contact - she
might be available for sex with you. It makes me feel sexy when I
catch my husband looking at me or sneaks me off to a passionate kiss.
If she feels comfortable and good about herself with , your wife
should be responsive.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Married for 10 years, female
Dallas, Texas
FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel that two to three
times a week is the way to go.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Amy, Ann Arbor, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think at least once a week
is good.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Jan M., Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is no "adequate number"
set in stone. The frequency with which my husband and I have sex
depends on so many things: Time, stress, schedule conflicts,
arguments, etc. We have definitely experienced problems, though - he
always wants sex more than I do. So we both have to give and take -
sometimes I let myself be talked into it, and sometimes he goes to
sleep dissatisfied. We probably average three times a week, which
even I think is low. (I get stressed easily.) If you're having
problems, talk about it. And don't be afraid to schedule time for sex
- may seem silly but it'll be worth it in the end. You might also
broaden your definition of sex - would it help if your wife helped
you masturbate, for example?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Ellie, married, 25, Washington, D.C.
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think three times a week is
an adequate number, but when I say this I am thinking of "adequate"
as the minimum number of times with which I would be pleased.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
K.S., 30, married female, Tennessee
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I would like to engage in sex
at least three times a month, which basically adds up to once a week
for three weeks and one week off. When I was younger, I enjoyed twice
a week; I'm 49 and holding!
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Margaret, Washington
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THE QUESTION:
SO21: Why do some gays and lesbians assume that if a person doesn't
accept a homosexual lifestyle that they are a hateful homophobe?
Isn't it possible to accept that while we may not agree with the
lifestyle, we can still accept and get along with the person?
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Jayce M., 24, straight male, Royal Oak, MI
RELATED QUESTION:
Why is it that many gay people
get upset when straight people say they are proud of being straight,
even though gays say they are gay and proud?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Tim, 21, straight white male <Inflicted1@aol.com>
Canton, MI
ANSWER 1:
Your (Jayce's) question
indicates a heterosexist bias in assuming there is something less
than acceptable about being gay or lesbian in the first place. If I
were to substitute the words "black," "Muslim," "female,"
"Christian," "Hispanic," etc., for the word "homosexual," the bias in
your question becomes much more apparent. If you do not accept "the
black lifestyle" and can get along with a black co-worker, can you
still deny you are racist? There is a difference between embracing
(taking onto oneself) a difference and accepting (acknowledging that
the difference exists and is an equally legitimate and valuable
alternative). I can accept that a person is male, or heterosexual, or
Hindu, or Native American and honor that as being just as central to
their sense of self, as being a good, positive and necessary part of
their life, as not requiring any kind of value judgement on my part,
without my embracing that difference in my own life (as indeed many
differences cannot be changed even if a person wanted to, sexual
orientation being one of these).
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer and corporate diversity council
member,<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
To Jayce: Racism, sexism,
homophobia, etc., are all most dangerous when they are applied to
groups. By accepting a gay individual but not the gay "lifestyle"
(and what does that mean, anyway?), you are saying that most likely
you would vote against equal rights for gays, and perhaps be vocal
about preventing gays from being teachers, getting married, etc. It
is this oppression of gays as a group that is most harmful. I have
straight friends who treat me fine, but when it comes to asking their
support in the voting booth, etc., they get nervous. This is the kind
of discrimination that the civil rights, feminist and gay rights
movements have fought for years - the feeling that members of a group
are OK one-on-one, but that they must be oppressed as a group. It
won't work, and we won't stand for it. We ask for nothing more than
the same rights as everyone else, and someone who finds us
"unacceptable" as a group is unlikely to agree with that. In the end,
if you're not our friend, you're against us.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Mark M., gay male, 41 <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Jayce responds:
Perhaps I should clarify myself. The
example I had in mind was that of my younger brother, Paul. He is a
gay male. I love my brother with all of my heart and would die for
him if it were necessary, but I don't condone his sexual preference.
As a Christian, I don't feel I can. Paul knows this and understands
it. I am in support of the right for gays to vote, hold whatever job
they desire, etc. I just have a moral problem with the sexual aspect
of it. Call me a prude, and you're probably right. I believe in the
concept of "hate the sin, love the sinner." (I know, calling it a
"sin" is inflammatory, I just don't know how else to put it). But
when Paul's friends hear of my position, they tell him I am a bigot
who hates all gays and wants to shove them back into the closet for
good. That's not the case. I guess my question is, Am I a bigot? Is
this a fair assumption by my brother's friends?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Jayce M., 24, straight white male, Royal Oak, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Jayce: You asked whether
you were a bigot. As a gay male, I don't think so. However, you are
in the unique position of having only your understanding brother for
a friend. In a polemical society such as ours, you can't justify your
position to either side. To those who agree with you morally, you
promote the sin by empowering the sinners. To those who are gay, you
fall into the "with friends like this, who needs enemies" category.
In reality, you're the easiest target for both sides and will be
called all manner of names.
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Michael, gay male <TheMartian@juno.com>
Houston , TX
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THE QUESTION:
O4: Why do nurses seem to
gravitate toward police and firemen in terms of relationships?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
T.M., Detroit
ANSWER 1:
It's funny this question was
asked. My husband accused me of asking the question and putting
someone else's initials. I believe it's true because nurses, firemen
and police officers all deal with the same types of situations -
death, birth, child abuse, shootings, accident victims and so forth.
We all deal with these things and find it difficult to discuss with
our families because many don't understand; or, we find it gruesome
to discuss. I feel it's a comfort zone, within the sick society we
live in and deal with at any given moment.
Tina, 27, RN, MI
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THE QUESTION:
RE26: The Christian church sends
out many missionaries each year to different countries. Do other
religions (such as Hinduism or Islam) send out missionaries? If so,
do they send them here?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Rick A. <ricka@efn.org>
Ottawa, KS
FURTHER NOTICE:
The Ahmadiyya Movement in
Islam is established in more than 160 countries and has missionaries
in most of them. Their web site in the United States is at
http://www.alislam.org and can provide you with information/contacts
on each of the countries.
Farhan <khokhar@interlog.com>
Mississauga, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In case of Hindus, being a
Hindu is determined usually by birth. Traditionally, that also
defines your caste. Plus, Hinduism is an ancient religon closely tied
to the Indian culture and way of life. Newer religions usually have a
need to popularize their religions through missionaries. I have never
encountered or heard of someone trying to convert others to Hinduism
in a formal way. There is the Hare-Krishna movement in the West, but
I am not sure if that is really strong and has buy-in from the rest
of the Hindu Temples. There has also been no cenral authority for a
long period (like the Pope) in Hinduism to give direction to the
religon and its spread in a formal way.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Amit <amit@well.com>
Austin, Texas
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THE QUESTION:
R168: Director's Paraphrase: Jas
of Pensacola, FL, asks a question for whites: He, as a black male,
often finds himself in a situation many blacks face: Being the only
person of their race in a room (at a party, school function, on the
job, etc.) He would like to know how often white people find
themselves the only person of their race in a room full of people,
and how they react to it and feel in that situation. If not, how
would they honestly feel and act if they were in that situation?
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
ANSWER 1:
In a military officer
training situation I once shared a dorm room for two weeks with three
black women. I felt like I was on an alien planet! They all read
Ebony magazine, listened to rap music and talked together in a city
slang I could barely understand. Everything was perfectly friendly
and polite on both sides, but I pretty much kept to myself. There
just didn't seem to be any common ground, and I was afraid of pushing
in where I might not be wanted.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a white woman who
considers herself "purposely bicultural," I find myself in that
situation very often, and I am extremely comfortable with it.
However, while facilitating a workshop on erasing racism ("Eracism"),
we found that most white people's comfort level is dependent on how
much free-floating guilt they carry with respect to racism. If they
have a lot, they feel uncomfortable in any situation in which they
are not in the large majority. If they have a little or none, they
don't. So the solution for white folks who feel uncomfortable (or
think they would) is to look inside themselves and determine what
steps they need to take to heal themselves in the area of prejudice
and racism. One step would be to do research; there are many good
books written on this subject. Another would be to purposely seek out
people of other cultures and get to know them and understand the
differences in our circumstances and perspectives. I believe the end
to racism will come one person at a time.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Joan, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It's not comfortable to feel
conspicuous in a group. As an extremely shy person, I can tell you
that the "Only One" feeling is not limited to race. It happens to the
only one of a gender, the only one in formal clothing, the only one
of a religion and anyone who feels out of place for reasons of
personal insecurity. I feel this almost every time I walk into a room
where there are people. I used to feel that black people would want
to reject me as an interloper when I was one of the few white people
in the room. I no longer do because, now, I have so many diverse
friends. Last weekend, I spent a day at a conference with about 150
black people and maybe three or four whites. I never felt
conspicuous. I had a wonderful day because so many people there were
friends, and they introduced me to their friends. However, I did feel
out of place during the praying and preaching because I am not a
Christian.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Molly, Ohio <jbfails@aol.com>
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I've encountered that
situation a number of times. My wife is black, and when we were
dating in college, I would go down with her to visit her grandmom on
the south side of Chicago. Being poor college students, we mostly
rode the bus, and virtually every time, I was the only white person
on the bus or in her grandmom's neighborhood. It was a truly
eye-opening experience - very, very weird. (Nobody ever bothered me -
I suspect they could've cared less. The weirdness was in my own head,
because it was so different from what I was used to.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
A few years ago I checked
into a hotel near a conference I was attending. I started getting
mildly anxious and couldn't understand why. It suddenly hit me that
all of the people around me were black - guests and employees. I
realized I was worrying about my safety, and that worry was purely
based on the skin color around me. This experience was a real eye
opener for me. Since then, I have deliberately placed myself in
situations where I am in the minority. The more I do, this the more
comfortable I am. Sometimes it is uncomfortable - being one of two
whites in a class on the African-American family, I often felt
compelled to keep my comments to myself. I considered this a taste of
what it must be like for many African-American students on white
campuses.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Pat, white <hultsp@cobleskill.edu>
Cobleskill, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I'm gay, Jewish and the only
male of four siblings. Through travels, I've been the only white,
only American, only English speaker. It's an odd experience, that
over time, I guess I've just learned to get used to. Here's what I
do: A lot of smiling, nodding, trying to get along, trying to be
involved no matter how out of place, being at ease with the fact that
some people just plain don't agree with me and, most importantly,
always assuming the best of people. In high school I had a Hebrew
teacher who gave me the clearest understanding of the problem. He
could barely speak English except for his subject, and he was very
uncomfortable with the class. So every time someone cracked a joke
and the students laughed, he would get angry. He always thought we
were making fun of him, and that was rarely the case. Assuming the
worst kept him tense, out of place and ultimately unhappy. And even
if his assumptions had been true, they didn't help him reach the
class.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Michael, 30, white <TheMartian@juno.com>
Houston, Texas
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I grew up in a decent-size
city (100,000). I moved to Toronto to go to school and got a job at a
local community center working with kids. I remember looking around
one day at work and realizing I was the only white person there, kids
and all. Even now, there's only one white kid who ever shows up for
the program. At first it was odd, but now I don't even notice it. I
got used to it quick. Now, when I'm with a lot of white people, it
catches me off guard.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Kelly C., 20, white <crok9497@hotmail.com>
Toronto, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I live in Hamtramck, Mich., a
smaller version of the "Melting Pot." There are all races within this
city. I used to go to a dollar store on the main street here to get
my nails done but I quit going. The reason was that the place was
full of black women who looked at me like they were going to spit on
my shoes. But, the last time I was there I went with a different
attitude. I went in and sat down feeling I belonged just like
everyone else. Without showing my own feelings of discomfort, I
seemed to disarm their aggression toward me, and I actually had a
very informative conversation with a black woman sitting in the seat
beside me. It just makes you see the similarities in animal behavior
in comparison to human behavior. Animals keep their status in a group
by pure intimidation. Humans are not too different.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
N.Barrett <elton98@excitemail.com>
Hamtramck, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R164: I see Asian women dating more white men than Asian men.
I would like to know why.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Victor, male, Secaucus, NJ
ANSWER 1:
Many Asian women probably
think white men are more romantic, and (maybe the most important for
those women who are highly educated and have careers of their own),
many of them are not very strict about the so-called traditional
gender roles (where husband works and wife stays at home). This is what I heard from many of my female
friends who dated and married white men.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Chi Yu, Chinese female, Indonesia
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THE QUESTION:
GE13: Why is it that men seem
to have a tendency to take advantage of a woman's nurturing and
affectionate nature?
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
C.H. <Wisdom47@aol.com>
Dallas, TX
ANSWER 1:
I don't feel men necessarily
take advantage. I think we all suffer from the misfortune of meeting
the opposite sex at vulnerable moments. To claim "men take advantage
of women's tender moments" stereotypes all men.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Perry, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
The short answer is the
competitive male instinct and peer pressure. Men have a tendency to
look out rather than in and put their goals and energy into doing
things rather than strengthening bridges to the people who care for
them. In exceedingly driven males, there might even be a belief it is
their right to receive with no obligation to give back. We feel
measured by our external success rather than by emotional
equilibrium. I had to survive a serious two-year depression at 25 to
be able to understand family was the most important thing for me. I
was lucky to experience losing it all when I was still single. But
you constantly have to fight the feeling of being left behind in the
race to succeed as you make decisions in favor of your loved ones and
away from money and external success. And the media reinforces the
stereotype of the selfish, cool dude with all the toys as the ideal
of the successful male.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
J.P. Paz-Soldan <bbv-jp@blockbuster.com.pe>
Lima, Peru
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