Best of the Week
of April 16, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of April 16, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
What are the consequences, if any, if a Jehovah's Witness dates
someone of another religion? I have broken up with a young man who
was kicked out of the group for not following the rule to not have
sex before marriage. He is now trying to get back in and do the right
thing. He and I have had sex, so he was advised to discontinue dating
me and cut off all communacations.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Denise C., Detroit, MI, United States, 22, Female, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
915199940417
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Question:
I live an area with a large population of people from India, and I
find they will speak to whites and Asians and people from their own
background, but will avoid black people, especially black men. Some
of these people are twice as dark as I am, and they don't see
themselves as black. I don't understand it. Is there a history of
dislike for other people of color, Africans, black Americans, etc.,
among people from India? I am nice to everyone, and I speak to
all.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Tony, Cincinnati, OH, United States, <ubcool@excite.com>, 44,
Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Senior executive,
Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 71499101841
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Question:
In general, and from the people who write in Y? Forum, certain races
seem to match with certain religions. A lot of black people are
Baptist, while a lot of Hispanic people are Catholic. This might be
understandable historically and culturally, but I want to know if
those of you who violate the cultural-religious stereotypes, for
example the Italian Hindu, Saudi/black Jew, etc., are the objects of
prejudice from others. Are you even out there?
POSTED 4/19/2000
Mr. Dickerson, Tucson, AZ, United States, 31, Male, Non-Religious,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 418200063857
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Question:
What part does religion play in Irish medicine? Do you have any types
of home remedies you use?
POSTED 4/18/2000
Donna S., Chipley, FL, United States, <Dignupbnz@aol.com>,
Female, Mesg ID 4152000110520
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Question:
I have suffered through the slings and arrows of my various friends
as they've attempted to find dates through Internet matching
services. The reports I'm getting would indicate that virtually all
men, no matter how heavy or balding, have described themselves as
good-looking. My male friends have had the opposite experience,
wherein the women they meet in person have really underplayed their
looks online, generally referring to a 'few extra pounds' or 'just
average,' when in fact they're very attractive. Why do women feel so
negatively about the way they look while men seem able to say 'I'm
hot' with a straight face?
POSTED 4/18/2000
Emma, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Mesg ID 4152000115739
Responses:
It is much easier for women to entice men than for men to entice
women. It has been my experience that women, no matter how great they
look, have a problem with some physical feature they have. Their
boobs are either too big or too small, hair too curly or too
straight, body too fat or too thin, etc. These things are issues that
seem to plague women regardless of how nice they may look. Men on the
other hand feel that they need to embellish their looks for women
because they still don't understand clearly that women are not as
visually stimulated as men are. Looks count alot for men and 'us men'
assume that looks count as much for women. Thus, when you have
internet ads, or ads in a paper where people give physical
descriptions of themselves, you are very likely to find the
disparities that you have so accutely pointed out.
POSTED 4/19/2000
Gary, Los Angeles, CA, United States, <garybobs@yahoo.com>, 37,
Male, Jewish, Black/African American, Straight, Professional, Over 4
Years of College, Mesg ID 4192000120032
Women are pressured by the fashion industry to be skinny and
anorexic, so they think that's what men want. As any male will tell
you, they would rather have a full-bodied woman who tells them they
are attractive. If a man says he isn't attractive, he lessens his
chance of pairing with an attractive woman. Would a man take that
chance?
POSTED 4/19/2000
Andrew, Livingston, NA, United Kingdom,
<arcmedia@technologist.com>, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight,
Multimedia, Mesg ID 418200081352
Every day we are bombarded with images of how women are supposed
to look. Most women do not look like this narrow standard of beauty,
but we are told that we should. This leads to tremendous
disatisfaction with our bodies. All the women on TV are thin. Most
are rather tall, and many have had cosmetic surgery. The women in
every advertisement and magazine look like this, too. And don't
forget the women in the clothing catalogs. And most of the clothes
are designed with a model body in mind. The women in the plus-sized
catalogs are not even heavy. This is why so many women diet or have
eating disorders. Practically from birth we are told that we must
live up to a certain standard to be beautiful. The thing that many
women do not realize is that this standard of beauty that we measure
ourselves against isn't the same one that men measure us against. So
we end up striving for something that we can't achieve and is
meaningless anyway.
POSTED 4/19/2000
Jacqueline C., San Jose, CA, United States, 26, Female,
White/Caucasian, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 418200062549
To Gary and Andrew: Why would an unattractive man feel he deserves
an attractive woman? Most of us work very hard to stay fit, and we do
expect a certain visual appeal from our partners, be they male or
female. Also, why lie on the net, as the truth will be revealed once
the correspondents meet in person? Is it that these guys feel their
charm will outweigh their physical shortcomings?
POSTED 4/21/2000
Emma, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, Mesg ID
4192000100017
The responses about women being subtly told they need model's
physiques are probably true and kind of sad. But to be honest, what
women hold as the 'super male' is just as hard for the rest of us
shmoes to deal with as well. I am not at all sure what women consider
attractive in men, but Bill Clinton has women dropping trow on him
left and right. But put him in the office cubicles with the rest of
us, and how many women are going to be showing him their underwear
across the office desk the first time they meet? Would an Internet ad
saying 'I am not all that good-looking but have lots of money and
power' be more honest? I would suggest that either gender holds its
ideals (super models vs. super powerful) at a level unattainable by
most of us. And the effect of this - and media focus on it - is just
as devastating to either sex.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Guy, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,Mesg ID
420200085031
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Question:
I was at lunch with friends the other day and ordered beans, collard
greens and cornbread. Although I know my black co-worker loves this
food, she didn't order it. When I asked her later why, she said she
didn't want her friends to consider her to be too 'country.' She also
said she heard I wasn't selected for a job I applied for because the
supervisor considered me too 'country.' I'm only hearing this from
black Americans, specifically black women. Whats up with this? I may
be from the mountains, but my manners are not in the ditch. What in
the hell is wrong with being from the country? As I recall, Abe
Lincoln was raised in a log cabin.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, 46, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, federal employee, 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 4162000122351
Responses:
I think the prevailing idea is that 'country' doesn't go over too
well with the masses. Country people have the stigma of being
uneducated hicks with no idea how to act civilized. I don't know why
this is the prevailing stereotype when so many people -including
myself - find country comforting. My dad's family is from the country
(South Carolina), and they are the most wonderful people; they are
the epitome of Southern gentleness and hospitality. I would much
rather spend time with them than my mom's somewhat abrasive city-folk
New England family. I think the stereotypical country bumpkin is a
product of the media based on exploitation of character -i.e. the
slower-paced life equals 'dumb'; the lilting accent is portrayed as a
twang; the colloquialisms are exaggerated into ridiculous massacres
of Standard American English. Be proud of your country roots. And by
the way, I've always lived in big cities but think beans, collard
greens and cornbread sounds like a great meal.
POSTED 4/21/2000
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, student, Mesg ID 419200021850
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Question:
I am a male turning 20 and am curious about why a man would be
attracted to an extremely obese woman. I have many 'larger' friends,
and they are some of the best people I know, but I feel no attraction
to them. My ideal woman does not have a model's body, but to me, too
much weight is debilitating and unattractive.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Chris P., Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, <lumbergb@hotmail.com>,
19, Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Straight, student, High School
Diploma , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 418200021637
Responses:
Different men are attracted to different women. This holds true
for women as well. You may not like larger women, but a lot of men
do. I am an overweight female. I have been told by many people that I
am very pretty. I have no problem getting dates. Fat people have
feelings, too. Most of us are not lazy, messy slobs. I am a
well-educated, successful, sassy Big Beautiful Woman and proud of it.
To each their own.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Kassie, Albany, NY, United States, 28, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Sales, 2 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 420200093622
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Question:
In my hometown, it was a commonly held stereotype that
Italian-Americans had a preference for what most consider to be gaudy
possessions. I found this stereotype to be true. Not all Italians
have 'poor taste' when judged from a middle-American standard, but I
knew a disproportionately large amount of Italian-American families
with houses filled with rococo furniture, clear vinyl-covered carpets
and furniture, loud wallpaper, yards covered in statuary and
fountains, initials on the garage door, large Cadillacs with
aftermarket vinyl roofs in the driveway, ornate wrought-iron fences
surrounding the property, elaborate shrines to the Virgin Mary, and
so on. Many Italian-American families also paved or bricked over much
of the front lawn. Why are these tastes so prevalent among
Italian-Americans?
POSTED 4/13/2000
Dave, Denver, CO, United States, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 46200053028
Responses:
Most Italian immigrants came from poor backgrounds in southern
Italy, where home ownership was not possible, and a fifth-grade
education was the only legal education requirement. They worked hard
in the United States and wanted to visibly express the joy of home
ownership and its related possessions. Many had a flamboyant nature,
and their homes expressed this trait. Thus their homes had fountains,
brick walks, grottos, etc. as a way of imitating the estates of the
wealthy landowners in their towns. They went through the flashy cars
and clothes phase to show off; it was their way of keeping up with
their compadres. Their homes were their sanctuary, generally very
clean (the plastic covers to keep the furniture clean), where they
welcomed family and friends. I'm second-generation, college grad,
executive type, live in a beautiful house on a two-acre wooded
setting, and have never owned a Caddy. I owe it all to a hardworking
father with a fifth-grade education and a devoted mother who insisted
I go to college. We descendants of those immigrants also joke about
those gaudy things you mentioned. And now we watch others, newly
arrived in this country, do similar things. It's part of this
beautiful thing we have called America. By the way, you forgot to
mention gold chains with horns and diamond pinky rings!
POSTED 4/18/2000
Dave E., Pittsburgh, PA, United States, 47, Male, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 417200090634
Maybe the gaudiness comes from the American part of
Italian/American. After all, the Italian side can boast of Raphael,
Leonardo da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Bernini, Pierandello, etc. I'm
Italian-American, and my taste runs to Post-Impressionism and Art
Deco. Go figure.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Laura O., Bel Air, MD, United States, 38, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, teacher/editor/writer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 414200042723
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Question:
Why is it that sometimes people who help disabled people make them do
the most inappropriate activities in relation to their disability?
For example, I have seen people make blind people jump off a diving
board. Do you think that these disabled people are really missing out
on this activity, or do you see it as them getting over their
disability?
POSTED 4/13/2000
R. Sterken, Ontario, NA, Canada, 19, Female, Muslim, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, Upper middle class,Mesg ID 412200071538
Responses:
I used to teach visually challenged kids many years ago. They
longed to be able to do the things they read about but never had the
chance to try, such as jumping off a diving board. It's the kind of
stuff you can't really understand until you experience it. So yes,
the person involved feels that they are missing something, and wants
to try it. No one is making them; they want to. And as long as basic
safety issues have been addressed, why shouldn't they? I don't see
this kind of thing as inappropriate. Performing surgery, now that
would be inappropriate. But not taking part in sports. (And you can't
'get over' something like being blind by jumping off a diving board;
if you could, there would be LONG lines.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Robin W., Westland, MI, United States, 46, Female, White/Caucasian,
Author/Illustrator, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 417200064244
I think if the person is free to say whether they want to jump off
a diving board, then that's fine. It's their right to chose how they
live their lives and how much they let their disability rule over
that life. But if a person were unable to answer, and an abled person
forced them to do something like that, that's not fair.
POSTED 4/18/2000
J. Jones, Auckland, NA, New Zealand, 16, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Student, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
416200093631
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Question:
As a black male who has dated white and black girls, I want to know
why black girls are so difficult. I have found that most white girls
are polite and considerate of their partner's feelings, whereas most
black girls tend to be downright rude most of the time. They seem to
want everything to go their way while giving very little in return.
Is this common, or is this just my perception?
POSTED 4/13/2000
Jon, Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, <jon_harder@hotmail.com>,
20, Male, Black/African American, Straight, Upper class, Mesg ID
472000110524
Responses:
Maybe you experience these differences between black and white
women because you approach/treat them differently. I've seen black
males approach black women rudely, in a 'You should be glad I'm
speaking to you' manner, and then turn around and treat white women
with the utmost of respect. I've dated both black and white males,
and the white males treated me considerably better than the black
ones. When talking with the white guys, I had an opinion, and they
actually listened to it; when I had a bad day, they listened and
offered support. When talking with black guys, I'm there only to
listen to them talk - a two-way conversation isn't in the cards. And
if I dare complain about having a bad day to a black male, more often
than not I'm told in a surly tone, 'You make more than I do - what do
YOU have to complain about?' Essentially, you get back what you give
out. Take a look at how you deal with black women, and that will
probably answer your question.
POSTED 4/18/2000
G.E. Long, Chicago, IL, United States, <gelong@usa.net>, 38,
Female, Catholic, Black/African American, Straight, IT Management,
Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 414200013311
I would have to classify this as a 'new' age-old question. The
perception of black women being difficult and hard to please is
rampant and without merit. It is very possible you are treating these
two groups of women differently and getting the appropriate reaction.
I am fortunate in that I don't feel I've ever been mistreated by a
man with whom I've chosen to have a relationship - all of whom have
been black. If someone insists on taking the relationship to a gutter
level, it is your responsibility to stop it. Ultimately, your
perception is your reality, and that is the question you should be
asking yourself - What is my role in this?
POSTED 4/18/2000
Latoya, Hamilton, NA, Bermuda, 25, Female, Black/African American, 4
Years of College, Mesg ID 414200034155
All people can be difficult, regardless of race, gender or
ethnicity. All white women aren't nice, polite and considerate, and
all black women aren't rude and difficult. It isn't fair to
generalize based on race. Since you are a black male, I'm sure there
are black women in your family, right? Would you consider them rude
and difficult? I feel it is better to look at the individual and not
make judgments of a particular race or gender based on your limited
experiences with them. Doesn't it upset you when women say 'All men
are dogs'? I have dated men of different races and backgrounds, and
although there are some unsavory characters out there, I choose not
to fault men as a whole for my bad choices. Don't let your
misconceptions and bad experiences hinder you from meeting a nice
woman. I've found that when forming relationships, it' better to
start off with an open mind and clean slate and grow from there. It's
only fair to you and the other person.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Thai, Annapolis, MD, United States, <chulanegra@aol.com>, 24,
Female, African/Latina, Straight, Upper middle class. Mesg ID
4142000100710
Many people perceive black women to have attitudes and wanting to
roll their necks and have their hands on their hips, when this is not
the case. It is probably just the females you are coming into contact
with. However, I do see some of my white female acquaintances being
much more submissive with their men, whereas black women tend to hold
their partners accountable the majority of the time. Still, your
perception is a generalization.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Toni, Largo, MD, United States, 28, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, desktop publishing, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 4172000104415
Maybe black girls and women are difficult because of black men's:
1) Lack of care, respect and concern for our physical, mental and
emotional well-being (physical, verbal and sexual abuse). 2) Lack of
consideration for our communities, urinating in hallways, disposing
of empty 40-ounce bottles of beer on the street, loitering and being
a general nuisance to the rest of the neighbors. 3) Lack of concern
for the lives of black children, fathering children and abandoning
them, selling drugs to our children, allowing others to come into our
neighborhoods and sell alcohol and cigarettes to our children. 4)
Lack of appreciation for our strive for excellence - black men
respond with jealousy and envy when we become educated and
dramatically increase our salaries. 5) Lack of appreciation for our
physical beauty, though this is nothing new - black men have always
preferred white women over us. 6) Lack of appreciation for the way
we've loved and defended black men, fought every struggle with you,
from slavery to the present, and took up the slack financially. We
didn't have the luxury of staying at home with our children; we were
busy taking care of white folks' children so we could earn a living
and keep food on the table.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Rhonda P. O., New York, NY, United States,
<Rhonda_Outlaw@ars.aon.com>, 38, Female, Lutheran,
Black/African American, Straight, Account Representative, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 4172000104434
I am a black man who has noticed the same phenomenon, and I must
say that the responses to your question have done nothing but prove
your point. Most of the black women who responded, especially Rhonda,
instead of actually answering the question, were quick to get
defensive, turning the question around and blaming you for your
misfortunes with rude black women. This is typical of the black and
Hispanic women I have dated. White and Asian women seem to not have
their defense mechanisms and paranoia meters set quite as high. I
believe black women who go on preconceptions of how black men are
going to treat them become rude and lash out at all men, even the
innocent ones. Further, historically, black women have endured double
the prejudice in being both black and female, and therefore seem to
have twice the anger. They express their anger irrationally and
maintain a rude facade in a collateral 'affirmative action'-style
effort to regain control for the past.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Winston J., Pasadena, CA, United States, Male, Humanist,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 420200043836
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Question:
I recently admitted to myself and several close friends that I am
bisexual. Now I am looking for a relationship with another man, but
how do you tell if another guy is interested without offending a
straight guy by mistake? Note: because I am still in high school, I
do not want anyone who is not gay/bi to know about my orientation.
Although I come from a tolerant upper middle class school, I have
seen it hurt others.
POSTED 4/13/2000
Alex, Elkins Park, PA, United States,
<first_wizard@hotmail.com>, 16, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, High School Student, Less than High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 4122000111409
Responses:
The first thing I would recommend is to move slowly. Is there a
gay/lesbian community center in your town? If so, they probably have
a youth group. Or, maybe a Metropolitan Community Church? These are
fairly safe options for meeting other guys in your age group in a
controlled environment. You can also hit the gay.com 'youth' chat
rooms and talk to guys in the same situation. Check www.planetout.com
and go to the youth sections to chat with other guys there. The thing
you must be careful of is, and I'm sure you are probably aware of
this, that older guys will be in the youth rooms to see what they can
find, also. Watch your step, and don't give out details about
yourself. If and when you agree to meet someone in person, make sure
it's in a very public place so that you have security. Bottom line:
Be careful. There are good people out there, but there are also some
stinkers. Learning the difference is tough, and sometimes
dangerous.
POSTED 4/18/2000
Mark B., Dallas, TX, United States, <civic-si@swbell.net>, 39,
Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Financial Analyst, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 414200083939
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Question:
I find the supermarket tabloids (National Enquirer, The Globe, etc.)
abominable. They even sling mud at little kids like JonBenet Ramsey
and Kathie Lee's kid. Even though their only target seems to be
celebreties (willing or unwilling, such as Monica Lewinsky), I still
cringe at the thought of these tabloids ever digging up largely
fabricated dirt about me if I ever became famous. How can anyone
stomach such yellow journalism? If you buy them, why do you?
Obviously they sell like hotcakes, because they're featured
prominently at every checkout stand I've ever stood in.
POSTED 4/12/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, student, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
4112000112643
Responses:
I used to read them back in the day when they did stories on Bat
Boy and paper bag collectors. I thought they were so ridiculous that
they were funny.
POSTED 4/18/2000
S.J., San Diego, CA, United States, Male, Mesg ID 414200042516
I have tried really hard most of my life to figure people out. A
very large portion of my 'heroes' - Jules Verne, for example, became
very disenchanted with humanity in later life. Everything I can find
suggests that people are motivated by two basic Freudian urges, Eros
and Thanatos. Like Lions, we wish to rule the pride and will eagerly
eat the children of our rivals. Look at what sells: Fashion and
violence. At some level, our 'achievement' delights at the 'failures'
of others. Sociobiologists suggest that even altruism is calculated
to give advantage for our offspring. When one encounters true
compassion, it should be cherished, for it is rare!
POSTED 4/21/2000
Dan M., Mesquite, NV, United States, 50, Male, counselor, Mesg ID
418200083228
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