Best of the Week
of April 20, 2003

Best of Week ArchivesArchives

Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or advanced during the week of April 20, 2003, as selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s database using the search form , or, in the case of posted before April 24, 1999, in the Original Archives (all questions from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual from that group.   

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Question:

Why is it OK for girls to be short, but guys get a tough time?

POSTED 4/20/2003

David, Auckland, NA, New Zealand, Male, Mesg ID 4152003102539

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Question:

Is it just me or does it seem like each race tends to have a very distinct odor? I've been in all-white environments and have noticed that white people tend to smell like spoiled milk or hazelnut coffee. Asians tend to have a noodle-like smell, and Indians smell like musk and curry. Of course, I've heard that black people tend to smell like cocoa butter, which is apparently revolting to someone with different olfactory sensitivites.

POSTED 4/20/2003

RealityCheck, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 25, Male, Black/African American, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 4172003124352

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Question:

As a rule, I don't go around telling people that I am gay. I keep a picture of my galpal on my desk at work, and I talk about us, what we did over the weekend, etc., openly, and I let people connect the dots themselves. However, since she has a name that could also be a man's name, sometimes people get confused and I have to say, 'She's a woman and we're gay.' Almost every time this happens, straight people have the same response: 'That's OK' or 'I don't mind' or 'It doesn't bother me.' Why do straight people feel the need to tell me it's 'OK' that I'm gay? If I said I was Catholic or Portugese, I don't think they would reassure me my religion or national origin didn't bother them. How come no one ever just says, 'Oh' or 'I see' or 'That's nice.'? I mean, it's not like I'm confessing a deep, dark secret and hoping that I'll still be accepted.

POSTED 4/7/2003

Jean, Southern California, CA, United States, 38, Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Analyst, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 42200312807


Responses:
Unfortunately, some people are just stupid. When they say 'that's OK', they are really just trying to tell you that it's OK with them and doesn't weird them out, though obviously it does a little or they wouldn't be saying that. I think they are just trying way too hard to tell you it doesn't matter to them and that they are politically correct and cool. They probably just don't know any better. Maybe you are the first lesbian they ever met and they are unsure how to respond.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Libby, Los Angeles, CA, , 17, Female, Episcopalian, Black/African American, Straight, student, High School Diploma, Upper class, Mesg ID 48200360748


I hate to break it to you, but to the mainsteam world (not only America), homosexuality is not 'nice.' They wouldn't want their kids growing up to be gay. What happens is that people assume you know this, and that's why they give you some reassurance, thinking they will make you feel 'accepted' (they appreciate you). It's great that you don't give thought to your gayness (you just live it). That's fantastic, but get real. The gay movement has come a long way, but it still has a long way to go before gays are seen as, say, Catholics or Portuguese. So when people say 'it's OK,' understand that they know that you know that being gay is something not accepted by the mainstream world as yet.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 33, Male, Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Lawyer/Educator, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 492003120311


These people are trying - although clearly without much panache - to tell you that they're not like the homophobes you've probably had to deal with in your life. While their delivery might lack diplomacy, their intentions are good.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Emma, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, Mesg ID 49200315149


My typical response is 'oh, OK.' I'm bisexual and have no problem with any sexual orientation that doesn't involve children or other species. However, the reason people are stuck in the notion that they have to reassure you that it is 'OK' with them that you're gay is that often their experience dictates that they must do this. For example, one of my best friends is a lesbian. My husband (who is extremely nosy) asked her if she was bisexual, and she replied, 'No, even worse.' Even worse? She's used to getting criticized by people for her sexuality, and people like us see that, and feel the need in future circumstances to assure people that we are not the criticizers.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Jessica, Huntsville, TX, United States, 23, Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 49200322356


From my experience, what you're talking about has to do with the other person being uncomfortable about the subject and trying to be polite. I'm a 50-year-old completely out lesbian who works on the largest military installation in the United States. For about 10 years after I came out, (and I mean tore the door off the closet) I got this response. For a while, I tended to be a little defensive, until I figured out that a whole lot of people simply did not know how to respond to my casually mentioning my spouse, or describing our lives, and this was their way of saying, 'uh,um, really I don't know what to say.' As I spent more time working with these folks on a day-to-day basis, they figured out that it was OK to integrate me into their daily work relationships; including conversations where we agreed to disagree. Now, mind you, you will always have the knothead that wants you to feel like a leper. But, I've found that; for the most part, when I practice the golden rule, my coworkers get their hackles up when someone tries to harrass me about my sexual orientation. And, guess what, most of my coworkers are soldiers. Both my partner of 20 years and I have the reputation of being 'mother hens' in our workplaces. It has taken time, but most people we know look at us as just another diverse part of the work force. Will we ever be free of harrassment? I doubt it. But I've been working with soldiers for 20 years and wouldn't dream of doing anything else; especially at this moment. You may not realize it, but, in some manner, whenever you mention your spouse to someone for the first time, you are 'coming out' again. And coming out is like biting into aluminum foil; it leaves a lasting impression. You are actually a teacher for a sensitve and uncomfortable subject for many. For the most part (except for the knotheads) treating people as you would like to be treated will go a long way toward those around you learning and practicing tolerance. Kudos to you for being up front and direct; it takes courage.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, 50, Female, Methodist, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, government contract worker, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 49200380651


In this situation, what I have felt is that I already know, or think I know, a co-worker and already have built up a level of respect, trust, dependence and the ike for that individual. I am now told something that is pretty personal, and a somewhat touchy subject in the workplace. Not to say that you should not bring up the topic. It is your right. But what happens in the mind of the receiver is fear. Fear that we are going to say something stupid. We often do. You obviously experienced that. Fear that we might look or act around you differently, even though deep down we know how absolutely asinine it is to do so. Fear of our own sexuality. Believe it or not, there are a lot of confused folks out here who say they are straight but don't even feel comfortable talking about sex at all. Fear of your sexuality. Will my co-worker turn me gay with their gay vibe? (Laugh here.) This is where ignorance comes in. People are still under the impression that being gay is a choice like picking out a new suit, and that one day they will wake up and, through your gay influence, will want to try on that new suit and it will look great. Fear of losing your respect, trust, dependence and the like if we think that you think we are showing any of the above-listed fears. All of the above hits us, at once, the second you say you're gay, and it scares the sh** out of us that something is going to change between us. We know that it won't. We fear that it might. So the only words of confirmation that everything is still the same between us with this new piece of data about you is, 'That's OK' or 'I don't mind' or 'It doesn't bother me.' We are all human. Fallible at birth. Stupid till death.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Robb, Cockeysville, MD, United States, 31, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight, System Enginer, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 4102003125124


Sometimes you meet people who wear their orientation on their sleeve, and sometimes you meet people who wear their amazing capacity for tolerance on their sleeve. Sometimes people can go so overboard in showing their tolerance that it makes you want to throw up, but it's better than the alternative.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Eric, Honolulu, HI, United States, Male, Mesg ID 4112003120846


A lot of people are very confused about how to react to gay people because they get so many different messages about how they should see it. The media and pop culture tell them that it's all good, but then they have the extreme Christians telling them it's a horrible thing. We are such a God-based country that we feel guilty no matter what our view. My solution was to give the lifestyle a try. Now my view is that people are people. Dating women was identical to dating men.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Cheryl K., San Diego, CA, United States, 29, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian, Bisexual, homemaker, 2 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 411200324149


As a gay woman with a partner named Chris, I understand your frustration. My understanding of this type of response is that it is a knee-jerk reaction, albeit a kind one, to the fact that they think we think they may freak out on us 'now that they know.' In other words, they are reassuring us that 'it's OK' with them because lots of people we tell might be immediately angry, disgusted or even violent in their reactions (gay-bashing). They're letting us know that they are not that kind of prejudiced, biased person. If you could stand some advice, I would respond with something kind, like: 'Thanks. I think so, too.' Or even avoid pointing it out, but use 'she' a lot in the next few sentences before they can assume you're talking about a guy. They'll get it, and you won't put them in the position of having to reassure you at all.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Jane, Morton, IL, United States, Female, Lesbian, teacher, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 411200352934


Because there is still prejudice against gays, people who are not prejudiced feel they need to state their position - lest they be suspected of being prejudiced.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, 54, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 414200351300

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Question:

Do most women find men in the military attractive, especially when in their fatigues? If so, what might it have to do with?

POSTED 4/20/2003

Airman H., San Angelo, TX, United States, <maxthecat.geo@yahoo.com>, 19, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight, U.S. Air Force, Technical School, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 417200340710

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Question:

Women: Does size matter?

POSTED 4/20/2003

George L., Omaha, NE, United States, Male, Mesg ID 417200341421

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Question:

Why do Americans have this stereotype that people who are Asian are of oriental origin (e.g. Chinese, Japanese, etc.)? This is a huge misconception, especially if you consider that people from Russia and India are also on the continent of Asia, and therefore are Asians also. The Middle East is also part of the Asian continent. Chinese aren't the only ones who can be labeled Asian. I identify myself as 'Asian,' considering I'm Indian in ethnic origin.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Chris H., New York, NY, United States, 22, Male, Asian, psychologist, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 418200312400

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Question:

I have been fat essentially all my life, I'm currently size 26. I yo-yo dieted for 20 years, realized I can't keep the weight off, and stopped dieting. I have had many unpleasant comments about my weight, for example, kids teasing me at school from age 7 to 12, as an adult, men calling out 'fat bitch' at me in the street and making vomit noises, colleagues at work expressing distaste at what I was eating, and at fat people in general. In my therapy group I'm discussing how I feel about my weight and appearance with others. I would like to hear how people genuinely think and feel about fat people and their appearance. I don't want politically correct and 'nice' replies, I want completely honest replies.

POSTED 12/8/2002

Jenny, Wellington, NA, New Zealand, 37, Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Librarian, Technical School, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 128200274531


Responses:
I don't hate fate people, but what I do hate is when fat people make their personal weight problem my problem, by sitting - or should I say squeezing - next to me in a seat that is clearly too small for them, thus making my commute to and from work miserable. Every time the bus or train slows down, that fat person puts all their weight on me, which is not good for my back, or my clothes, which usually end up damp and wrinkled on the side where they sat. Other than that, I have no problem with fat people.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Rhonda O., Laurelton, NY, United States, <Rhonda_Outlaw@ars.aon.com>, 41, Female, Lutheran, Black/African American, Account Representative, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 417200351452

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Question:

Is it me or does it seem like black people are less open to listening to what is considered 'white music' ( i.e: punk rock, country, classical music) than white people, who openly support genres like R n' B, reggae and hip-hop? And it doesn't just apply to music. It extends into sports. You'll often see white kids following basketball and idolizing super-stars like Michael Jordan, but you'll never see a black kid with posters of white hockey players on his bedroom wall. It seems like black people are less likely to admire or glorify white entertainers, espeically if these entertainers are white males. What do others think?

POSTED 4/7/2003

B.V., Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, Male, Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 442003112132


Responses:
If black kids don't like hockey, then why are their black (or partially black) hockey players in the NHL?

POSTED 4/20/2003

Cynthia, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 23, Female, Catholic, Asian, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 47200341233


So how many black kids' bedrooms have you been in? And how do you know what their parents, friends of the same race, etc. listen to on their radios, or whose CDs they are buying? I would like to read this survey you have apparently taken. Growing up in the inner city of New York, I speak from personal knowledge that lots of kids' parents couldn't afford the equipment needed to play hockey or take swimming, tennis and golf lessons. We're open to communities offering these sports, but have they always been open to us? Think about this: Hip Hop music is basically like punk rock, just with better rhythm.

POSTED 4/20/2003

anonymous, Brooklyn, NY, United States, Mesg ID 472003112651


No, it just seems that way. There are a lot of blacks who listen to white music, just as there are whites who listen to black music. How do you know there are no white hockey stars in black kids' bedrooms? Do you go to every single bedroom in America?

POSTED 4/20/2003

VirginQueen, Ft. Payne, AL, United States, Mesg ID 410200383429


To me, music is music. If I like it, I like it. I gave up believing that black folks have the monopoly on vocal talent and dancing ability some years ago, and as long as I can understand the lyrics to the song and the beat doesn't make my head hurt, I will gladly embrace it. So along with my huge collection of R&B I have Eric Clapton, Bread, Norah Jones, Alanis Morrisette, Coorgan and others. I'm big on lyrics, and white folks have written some of the best 'black' songs ever. As far as hockey goes, there are a lot of financial implications that make it difficult for poor blacks to participate in it. One has to first know how to ice skate, have a decent pair of skates, live within a few miles of an ice skating rink and have enough money for all the equipment. It is so much easier to find three or four friends, put on some shorts and gym shoes and play basketball with a makeshift rim. The only thing that can't be compromised is that the ball has to be airtight and grippable.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Michael F., Chicago, IL, United States, <masterghen@yahoo.com>, 25, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Administrative, Over 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 416200314716


You're right, there are many 'white' things that blacks ignore, but there's white stuff we have adopted, like European clothing, artificially straightened hair, and white languages like English, Spanish and French. But in music, country, classical and punk have not really affects blacks the way black-American music affects Asia, Europe, Africa and South America. Blacks have always preferred African music styles and have evolved them into new styles (like hip-hop, R&B, reggae, samba, etc.) that are now highly commercialized by the white-dominated electronic media. And when it comes to competition, black performers have had to compete against white performers who perform black music and who eventually 'take over' the white fans, e.g. Elvis Presley, Eminem, Backstreet Boys, 'N' Sync and Britney Spears. White male athletes who seek adoration from black (and white) fans have to earn it by coming up with the best athletic performances and careers. Regarding ice hockey, unfortunately it's a sport that few young black athletes have in their communities and schools, so they don't see themselves making a living at it; consequently the black fan base and participation are small. And hey, don't be so confused about more white kids having Michael Jordan posters than blacks kids having, say, Wayne Gretzky posters. The reason is simple: Jordan is cuter!

POSTED 4/20/2003

Bella, Washington, DC, United States, 31, Female, Christian, Afro-Caribbean, Straight, Administrative Assistant, Technical School, Middle class, Mesg ID 417200335032


First, I don't think that all blacks are less open to listening to punk rock, classical,or country. I do not believe all whites support R&B, reggae and rap. I find many people of all races who are for and against the genres you mentioned. (I also have an aunt and mother who are avid country fans, my aunt having more than 300 albums.) I have seen children of all races idolize Michael Jordan. I have yet to make the acquaintance of anyone who chooses not to glorify someone based on race or gender. Because I don't know any whites who listen to reggae, and I constantly hear Bill O'Reilly detesting rap, should I assume that all whites do not support what you call 'black music.'? Music is sacred and should not be boxed in because we have an uncontrollable urge to assign race to every aspect of society.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Anna, Providence, RI, United States, <LiaTheAngel@yahoo.com>, 18, Female, Catholic, Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 4172003113429


Good question. My opinion is that certain types of music have a more universal appeal than others. It also has to do with exposure. If black kids aren't exposed to punk rock or heavy metal, how will they like it? it isn't played on the stations they listen to, but hip hop and R&B are played on stations that white people listen to. I have had this discussion quite a few times, and we come up with the same ideas. Certain elements of black culture are often envied and copied. White women tan to get darker skin, they get collagen treatments to have fuller lips. Rock n' roll was created by black people and stolen by the likes of Elvis and others. Same for Jazz, which is now considered the only classical American music. It seems like while black people were once reviled (and are still pretty disliked and pre-judged), we are seen as great sources of entertainment. White parents don't want their kids dating us, but they are allowed to listen to our music. Why do you think so many people love Eminem? Because there is finally a white boy doing the music that white kids love so much, and they finally have someone to identify with racially. Being black is seen as being 'cool' or 'down,' so our music is universal. Everyone wants to be 'down.' As for sports, it is again exposure. A predominantly white school is more likely to have a hockey team than a black school. Most schools that are predominantly black barely have money for books, much less a hockey team. Black people look for people to identify with, being numerical minorities. Many of us didn't care about golf before Tiger Woods because we had no one to identify with. Same for tennis before Venus and Serena. Young black kids look for role models, and when they look to sports, the sports with the most people they can identify with on the surface are basketball and maybe football. Many black people are raised to see things in color, whereas many white people are raised to be colorblind. Race is always on the forefront of the mind of a black person, whereas it might not be for a white person. So a white person may just vibe to the music or love the sport, while a black person is looking for identifiers.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Michelle, Jersey City, NJ, United States, 24, Female, Black/African American, Straight, Non Profit, 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 4192003110018

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Question:

A group of black men I work with have recently been in an argument at work with several women over what they describe as 'nosey black women who are always trying to get in your business.' They don't seem to be talking about any person specifically, just in general. What's up with this?

POSTED 4/7/2003

Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, 49, Female, Methodist, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, government employee, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 328200370842


Responses:
I'm not sure what you mean by when you say, 'What's up with this.' What's up with what? A few people got into an altercation about loud, nosey women. The emphasis on 'black' was unnecessary, because loud women come in all races. My older sister majors in public relations and deals with people of all race 24/7, and she notes that all women can be loud and will be nosey.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Niecey M., Brooklyn, NY, United States, Mesg ID 492003103835


I've found the opposite: that white people usually are the ones who feel the need to stare into people's face while they have private conversations, and look over people's shoulders and grin sheepishly when you catch them. As if it's cute.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Deedee, Brooklyn, NY, United States, 17, Female, Black/African American, student, Less than High School Diploma, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 4122003111702

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Question:

Why are some people drawn to fringe religions and cults? Even a dear friend admitted to belonging to a cultish Christian group for reasons he could not explain. As an atheist, I try to understand it, but these people seem to need to suspend reality in the comfort of religion. I was brought up in Catholic schools but never could embrace religion. I felt like I saw it for what it was.

POSTED 4/7/2003

Andrew, Melbourne, NA, Australia, 30, Male, Atheist, Straight, I.T. Professional, Technical School, Middle class, Mesg ID 329200332654


Responses:
The need to believe in something is nearly universal; there are not, to my knowledge, any societies that are completely irreligious. To put it most uncharitably, the idea that god(s) control the universe keeps us from having to deal with the idea that the universe is completely random and life totally without meaning. As for cults and fringe religions, they tend to be extremely authoritarian and restrictive, and that appeals to some people. Like being tucked into bed, the constraints are comforting. Again, I'm being very uncharitable - in the spirit of your question.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, 54, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 414200352000

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Question:

If a black foster parent has a white foster child, should they go to extra lengths to ensure that the child has some access to what is commonly thought of as 'white' music, movies, etc.,if the main family and church experiences will be predominantly black? Or will the kids get enough exposure from outside sources so there's no need to seek out more experiences?

POSTED 4/7/2003

Katherine, Winston-Salem, NC, United States, 46, Female, White/Caucasian, social worker, Middle class, Mesg ID 442003100526


Responses:
Interesting question since it is widely assumed that white parents adopting a black child have an obligation to expose her to African-American culture. Seems to me that the best answer on either side would be for the family to go to integrated gatherings, churches, etc., and to have friends of various colors so the child can experience people of different races mixing without tension. Most of the children up for adoption or foster care in my state are black, and I have often wondered what the social climate would be like (for both myself and the child) if I were to adopt a black child.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Theo, Athens, GA, United States, 33, Female, White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 49200330915


First, the situation you speak of is very rare. However, it has happened. So, to answer your question, I would say no, because whites in this country generally don't identify with a particular culture, as the mainstream society pretty much flows with their ideals. Why would a black person need to educate a white child on their heritage when they will learn about it every day in school? When they look at the television or other forms of media, they will also see people of their own race. Whites in America are the accepted culture, so there is no need to teach a white child about it. However, if the child's parents came from a non-American background from a culture whose lifestyle was vastly different from Americans, it would be important they had a sense of who they were. For example, what if the child were from Russia? Even if the skin color is the same, culturally things won't add up, and for the sake of a healthier identity, the child should learn about his or her heritage. Yet, I would think this would apply to black or white parents, as this situation would be a matter of cultural identity, more so than racial.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Kristina, Washington, DC, United States, 22, Female, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 4102003121231


Look around. Everything is oriented toward white people. There is no way that child could escape his or her white culture.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Virgin Queen, Ft. Payne, AL, United States, Mesg ID 410200383118


I think it's important that black families who adopt white children make sure the children are comfortable with all aspects of who they are, but I don't think the imperative is as strong to make sure that the child has access to white/European culture or cultures, because in this society, it is impossible NOT to be exposed to them. 'White' is the default.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Jennifer, St. Paul, MN, United States, 32, Female, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, Non-Profit, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 415200373408

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Question:

Why do so many people have a problem with uncircumcised guys, when that's the way we're born and it's completely healthy and natural?

POSTED 4/7/2003

Tony C., Flagler Beach, FL, United States, 32, Male, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Gay, production superintendent, High School Diploma, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 43200320405


Responses:
I think this is a bit of an American thing. In Britain, for instance, because many men are uncut, it is not seen as strange. My boyfriend is uncircumcised, and I actually prefer it, because it supposedly makes men last longer. It is only a problem if they don't wash under the foreskin often enough.

POSTED 4/20/2003

Anne, London, NA, United Kingdom, 20, Female, student, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 492003115819

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