Best of the Week
of April 23, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of April 23, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
To kids: Why do kids feel they have to take their lives, and that
they can't turn to anyone? What would make someone take their own
life? What kind of person can make someone feel so insignificant that
they'll take their own life?
POSTED 4/23/2000
J, Lara, CA, United States, <boykenpo@yahoo.com>, Male,
Catholic, Straight, Mesg ID 45200011552
Responses:
I'm a 14-year-old high school freshman and have been depressed
for about 2 1/2 years. I have had suicidal thoughts for about two of
them. I have attempted suicide once, but my parents came home and I
was forced to stop. My plan was, and still is, to overdose on
aspirin. Frankly, it is hard to explain the feelings associated with
depression, especially in teenagers. Often, as in my case, you lose
touch with reality. My friends tell me I have become 'too sensitive.'
I alternate between crying and yelling, mainly because I do not know
how else to express the pain I am carrying around inside of me. I
feel like a hopeless recluse who can't do anything right. I think of
suicide at least one time every hour of every day. Unfortunately,
recognizing there is something wrong with me and knowing I need
professional help is not enough to actually get it. It feels like I
am at the bottom of a very dark pit, and everyone else is living
above me. The more I scream for help, the farther away they get. I've
broken off from the world. I'm always tired, and I sleep as much as
possible on weekends, just to escape the horror that has become my
life. I've lost any pretense of a social life. I am slowly wasting
away, becoming a body without a soul. I am rapidly becoming more
desperate, and my thoughts of suicide become more frequent and
elaborate. The way I see it, the world would be better off without
people like me contaminating the gene pool. Yet, I am still afraid to
ask for help. Afraid that my peers will see me as even more strange
than they already think I am, afraid that I might be hospitalized and
be forced to quit school for a few months, which would ruin my
chances to go to a good college, if I haven't done that already.
Perhaps, most of all, I am afraid that someone might actually
listen.
POSTED 4/26/2000
Katie, San Diego, CA, United States,
<IntergalacticKat@aol.com>, 14, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Less than High School Diploma ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 425200085524
Katie, here are three numbers you can call. All in San Diego.
Please do so. I've been there, I know how hard and scary it is.
Please be brave and ask for the help you need and deserve. Crisis
Center: (619) 232-2753 Juvenile Crisis Program (619) 543-9850
National Youth Crisis Hotline (858) 292-5683. If they can't help you,
ask for a referral to someone who can. And keep asking.
POSTED 4/26/2000
Clio, Boston, MA, United States, 23, Female, White/Caucasian,
Lesbian, educator, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 426200045629
What's causing your pain, Katie? If you can find out why you're
feeling this way, you can probably avoid/escape/reduce the pain short
of dying, which can't be fun. You can find out, I think, by talking
to someone, and from introspection (which you will have to do when
your head is clear enough to do so - not when you're at the bottom of
a depression.) I know that sounds improbable, but I have been able to
find out why I was feeling depressed by naming the exact emotion I
was feeling. Depression is an inchoate glob of feelings. Try to
differentiate which ones. It's a start. Talk to someone. The Internet
is maybe the best bet right now. I found a young woman at work (I was
then about 40) who listened to me and made a few comments that helped
me in my solitary introspection to trace out my feelings. I hope and
expect you will get lots of messages. There will be lots of claptrap,
tripe and BS in them, but be careful to examine them all because
there will be some help in them.
POSTED 4/26/2000
Jack H., Corte Madera, CA, United States, <jhand@jps.net>, 68,
Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Retired, Over 4 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 426200081226
Dear Katie, I was heartbroken when I read your posting. Why are
you in distress? There is so much to life, of course life has its bad
sides, but it also has its wonderful aspects, too. I do not know your
pains and what you have gone through, but I do know that you are NOT
in the worst position. You should not let you pains overwhelm you,
please try and get control of your life. There is so much to this
beautiful and sacred world, it really has a lot to offer. Please try
and seek help, go to a compassionate school counselor who will relate
to your pain and help you. Life is really sacred and should never be
thrown away. You have so much to offer. If you think you have a
rotten life, can you imagine how the hungry kids in Africa or Romania
feel? Indulge yourself with positve things: flowers, candy, genuine
laughter, good adventurous novels and good company. PLEASE SEEK HELP.
TAKE CARE AND SMILE.
POSTED 4/26/2000
Ify, Miami, FL, United States, <ifebigh77@hotmail>, 22, Female,
Black/African American, student, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
426200090503
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Question:
I've noticed that on every award show I watch, white people never
thank God or any other higher spiritual source. They often thank
their agent and friends first, but never God. Blacks, on the other
hand, are the first to thank God. I've noticed the same for liner
notes for CDs as well. Whites never thank God unless they are a
gospel artist. What is the deal? It makes it appear that whites do
not have a spiritual side or do not want to acknowledge that it is
not the producer of the movie who made them the success they are but
the one above. Please explain, because everyone at this year's
Academy Awards DID NOT thank God.
POSTED 4/23/2000
K.R.B., Detroit, MI, United States, 22, Black/African American, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 4212000120427
Responses:
God doesn't get credit because that would interfere with reaping
all the personal glory and benefits of being on top of the world. In
a reverse kind of way, I wonder why professional athletes (of any and
all ethnicities) are all thanks to God when they make a touchdown
(glory), but cussin' and stompin' when they fumble (humility)? God
gets used/abused in some funny ways, huh?
POSTED 4/26/2000
Mark B., Dallas, TX, United States, <civic-si@swbell.net>, 39,
Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Financial Analyst, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 4252000102658
Wow ... this is why I like Y? Forum so much; I would have NEVER
observed this - not in a million years. I guess if we are going to
judge human and racial spirituality by pop stars, we are all in
trouble. While not religious now, I was brought up to view one's
spirituality as private discourse with God. My guess is most white
Protestant Christians are brought up the same. Thanking God for
something so trivial as a personal award seems to demean what God
stands for. I perceive those who gush on about God while getting such
awards as pathetically trying to say, 'Look at me, I am God's
favorite,' rather than seeing them as truly thankful. So my guess is
that if there is a racial difference, it is just in the privacy of
the spirtuality and not the depths.
POSTED 4/26/2000
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 43, Male, White/Caucasian,
Executive, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID
4252000115000
Perhaps more whites, or some whites, just feel that their religion
and their work are separate areas in their lives. I guess I'm
speaking on behalf of Australian whites rather than American whites,
but it can't make much difference.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Kate, Armidale, NA, Australia, 18, Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, High School Diploma , Middle class,Mesg ID
427200042451
Some whites do thank God. In football, everyone thanks God when
they win, but nobody criticizes God when they lose. Nobody ever says
'The good Lord made me drop the ball' or 'God tripped me up behind
the line of scrimmage.'
POSTED 4/28/2000
Ethan, Berkeley, CA, United States, 18, Male, White/Caucasian,
student, High School Diploma, Mesg ID 427200033149
I don't watch award shows much, I think they're all phony, but
black artists do many times thank God for their success. But on the
flip side of things, how can some black artists, and you know which
ones I'm talking about, 'sing' graphically about explicit sexual
activity, include vulgar language, degrade women, glorify violence,
make videos about these 'songs' that are in essence mini-porn shows,
and then have the audacity to receive an award and then 'thank God'
for the success that they have? Kind of makes you go Hummm?
POSTED 4/28/2000
Holly, Annapolis, MD, United States, 28, Female, Black/African
American, transcription, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 426200093312
White people are not as vocal or flamboyant about their religious
beliefs in comparison to African Americans. That doesn't mean we
don't love or appreciate God; we are simply more private about our
relationship with Him. Just because you broadcast your faith does not
mean you are a better person or Christian. Sometimes showing off
one's beliefs and faith can be a farce and a turn-off. Only God knows
who the faithful really are.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Sue, Atlanta, GA, United States, 30, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, professional, Over 4 Years of College,
Mesg ID 424200023527
I don't think people should thank God when they win awards, win
the Super Bowl, produce a CD, etc. I don't believe God has anything
to do with whether a person wins something. God doesn't decide who is
more 'worthy' to win an Acadamy Award, the awards committee does. If
God were to get directly involved in the outcome of an event, I think
he would influence something more important than some meaningless
awards ceremony - like maybe he would have prevented half a million
Rwandans from being massacred by their government. I am not saying
that God is not important. God is very important, as is prayer and
everything else. A strong belief in God can help a person stay on
track in achieving their goals, but it doesn't help a person win an
Acadamy Award.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Jacqueline C, San Jose, CA, United States, 26, Female,
White/Caucasian, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 4242000115952
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Question:
I would like to know what people from different cultures - Americans,
Latinos, African Americans, Asians, etc. - think the ideal atmosphere
is for a food and beverage outlet or restaurant.
POSTED 4/23/2000
Caroline, n/a, n/, Australia, 18, Female, Christian, Australian,
Straight, student, 2 Years of College , Upper class, Mesg ID
421200024546
Responses:
I prefer the atmosphere to have the option of inside or outside
dining, cool yet relaxed music that is not too loud so you can hear
the conversation, some artwork on the walls, interesting lighting
fixtures, funky, stylish furniture and window decor, and decent
acoustics so it's not too loud when crowded. I also appreciate a
candle or flower on the table. Decent service, a
well-maintained/clean establishment and an interesting menu also
helps keep me coming back. Anything the place can do to add its own
signature charm also works, including occasional live
entertainment/music.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Anne, Chicago, IL, United States, 36, Female, Humanist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, sales consultant, Over 4 Years of College
, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 4252000123631
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Question:
Why do most people fail to set goals after the age of 25?
POSTED 4/23/2000
Country, Cleveland, OH, United States,
<dmoss22922@hotmail.com>, 31, Male, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Computer (C++)Consultant, 4 Years of College ,
Upper class, Mesg ID 47200031839
Responses:
In the past, many working people stayed with a single company
until retirement. Many women were encouraged to view homemaking as
their only field of endeavor. So, by 25, when a majority of people
were working and married, their lives were set on a specific course.
Things are very different today. Most people will have several
careers in a lifetime. More women are working outside the home and
more professional homemakers are encouraged to foster other interests
outside the home, by volunteering or developing hobbies. Today, more
people are setting new goals after 25. I'm 31, and I'm working toward
my MBA. In the next two years, I expect to have a job in marketing
communications. I've also set goals for my retirement. I don't plan
to stagnate. I don't think I could stop growing, and still consider
myself to be alive.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Lisa, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 25, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 426200031245
Who said they do? I can think of a thousand examples of people who
rethink their goals at a later age, usually as a result of a large
transition; marriage, children, job change, mid-life crisis, disease,
etc., a lot of things can make a person reevaluate their life and set
a new path at any time.
POSTED 4/28/2000
Stacee, Houston, TX, United States, 31, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,Mesg ID
426200082825
I'm not sure of the motivation for your question, but I see that
people DO continue to set goals for themselves after 25. I think the
issue is more one of magnitude - once you're older and have already
accomplished a major goal or two, most people will only feel the need
to simply fine tune their goals ... get the next promotion, buy the
new house, open the new business, have the next kid, move to the
islands after retirement, etc. Of course, for those who are in any
way disenfranchised and have lost motivation or hope of achieivng
more, the nature of their experience and perceptions may well enough
answer your question from their perspective. I also think that major
consideration has to be given to the great amount of time and energy
consumed by earning one's desired level of living, supporting a
family emotionally, financially, spiritually, rearing children who
will become healthy contributing members to our society ... Given
that a person of 25-plus would likely be working toward such ends,
who is anyone to say these are not perhaps the loftiest of goals?
POSTED 4/29/2000
Monique, Bloomington, IN, United States, 28, Female, Unitarian,
Black/African American, Straight, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 429200010150
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Question:
What are the consequences, if any, if a Jehovah's Witness dates
someone of another religion? I have broken up with a young man who
was kicked out of the group for not following the rule to not have
sex before marriage. He is now trying to get back in and do the right
thing. He and I have had sex, so he was advised to discontinue dating
me and cut off all communacations.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Denise C., Detroit, MI, United States, 22, Female, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
915199940417
Responses:
Not having pre-marital sex is not a 'rule' of Jehovah's
Witnesses; rather, Jehovah's Witnesses belive in adhering to God's
loving commands in the Bible to 'abstain from fornication,' which is
just a word that essentially means having sexual relations outside of
the marital arrangement, or extramarital sex on the part of married
persons (adultery). (1Thessalonians 4:3-8) I don't know if your
friend was baptized or not, but his being what you consider 'kicked
out' would only take place of he weren't repentant - or in other
words, if he didn't think what he did was wrong and had no intention
of trying to do God's will. No one is just thrown aside for having
pre-marital sex; we're all human and make mistakes. Nevertheless, by
him trying to get back in, it would be likely that he was advised not
to see you. This is because the Bible says to marry only in the Lord.
(1Corinthians 7:39) I don't know what your religious faith is, but if
it is not your interest to abstain from sex before marriage, and he
is trying to stay on the right track, then there would obviously be
conflict. Of course, marrying only in the Lord is not just referring
to sex, but to other religious matters, also. The advice for him not
to see you is only out of concern for him and in an attempt to help
him from repeating the mistake. If you two stayed together long
enough, most likely you would become sexually active again. Consider,
for the sake of example, a mother who finds out her child has started
experimenting with cigarettes with some of his friends. If she
confronted him and helped him see the danger in this, and he agreed
and was willing to keep away from doing it again, don't you think she
would also tell him not to hang around those friends of his who are
smokers, as he would probably try it again and may even wind up a
smoker himself? The same principle applies to your situation with
your friend. It's nothing against you personally; I'm sure you're a
nice person, but this loving advice was out of concern for him and in
an attempt to aid him in continuing his spritual goals.
POSTED 4/25/2000
Holly, Annapolis, MD, United States, 28, Female, Jehovahs Witness,
Black/African American, transcription, 2 Years of College,Mesg ID
424200053640
The Bible says at 2nd Corinthians 6:14 that we are not to be
'unevenly yoked with unbelievers' and at John 17:16 that we are to be
'no part of the world.' We all have free will and can do what we
choose, but to go against God's word has consequences. What happened
to your ex was based on Scriptural principles. Jehovah's Witnesses
try to follow moral guidelines laid out in the Bible, and therefore
have high moral standards. The Bible says in many places, including
1st Cor. 6:9, 10, 13, and 18, that we are to have no part in
fornication. The Bible says that sex is for marriage only. To
fornicate, or to have sex outside the marriage bond, is a clear
violation of God's Law. Any version of the Bible you read will tell
you that. We are to be a spiritually, morally, physically, and
mentally clean people who try to follow in the footsteps and the
pattern Jesus Christ (God's Son) left for us. People are
disfellowshipped because of willfully violating Scriptural principles
without repentance. The Bible says at 1st Cor. 5:13 that if there is
one who is PRACTICING wickedness, they should be removed. Removing,
or disfellowshipping, an unrepentant person from the congregation is
not done out of spite, but as a protection to the rest of the
congregation, and is a measure of Scriptural discipline. Our
relationship with God is of major importance, and once we decide to
commit ourselves do doing things 'by the Book,' we have to play by
the rules; that is, God's rules. The disfellowshipped person can
still attend meetings so that they are not denied spiritual food, but
he or she is asked to refrain from commenting during the meeting and
from socializing in the congregation until that person has gone back
to the Elders (dedicated, volunteer unpaid men who devote their time
to assisting the congregation in whatever way they can) and shown
that he or she is repentant and really wants to make sincere efforts
to please Jehovah God. Then they are reinstated and welcomed back to
the congregation. We do date, we do have fun. But true Witnesses try
to keep in mind the high moral standards of the Bible and don't want
to behave in a way that would go against Bible standards and
displease Jehovah.
POSTED 4/25/2000
Chandra, Chicago, IL, United States, 23, Female, Jehovahs Witness,
Black/African American, Office Manager, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 424200054243
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Question:
I live an area with a large population of people from India, and I
find they will speak to whites and Asians and people from their own
background, but will avoid black people, especially black men. Some
of these people are twice as dark as I am, and they don't see
themselves as black. I don't understand it. Is there a history of
dislike for other people of color, Africans, black Americans, etc.,
among people from India? I am nice to everyone, and I speak to
all.
POSTED 4/21/2000
Tony, Cincinnati, OH, United States, <ubcool@excite.com>, 44,
Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Senior executive,
Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 71499101841
Responses:
It's not really that there is a history of dislike between Asian
Indians and blacks. Most Indians living in this country are
immigrants. What they know about America comes from internationally
broadcast American media and word of mouth from family in America,
who have limited experience with blacks, outside of TV, themselves.
And you know what images of blacks are in American mass media.
POSTED 4/23/2000
Amanda, Boston, MA, United States, 20, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, student, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 422200012413
What a lot of people don't know is that the caste system in India
is also a system of race. All the darker-skinned Indians are at the
bottom of the system, and all the lighter-skinned ones are at the
top. Because Asians and white people don't have the stigma associated
with skin color (in most cases) they are not automatically viewed as
low-class, 'ghetto,' whatever you want to call it. Black people, on
the other hand (including other dark-skinned Indians), are
automatically conceived of as less and are treated like pariah. I
know this is true because of conversations I have had with Indian
friends who have lived in Africa, and from speaking with people from
Trinidad and Tobago, an island with an equal proportion of black
people and Indians. This racism is not true of every Indian person
you come across, but when you encounter it, the caste/color thing is
definitely in play.
POSTED 4/23/2000
Carlford, Brooklyn, NY, United States,
<cocabrotha@hotmail.com>, 21, Male, Christian, student, 4 Years
of College , Lower class, Mesg ID 422200035603
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Question:
In general, and from the people who write in Y? Forum, certain races
seem to match with certain religions. A lot of black people are
Baptist, while a lot of Hispanic people are Catholic. This might be
understandable historically and culturally, but I want to know if
those of you who violate the cultural-religious stereotypes, for
example the Italian Hindu, Saudi/black Jew, etc., are the objects of
prejudice from others. Are you even out there?
POSTED 4/19/2000
Mr. Dickerson, Tucson, AZ, United States, 31, Male, Non-Religious,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 418200063857
Responses:
I'm black and the only Catholic in my family. My paternal family
are Catholics and the maternal is Methodist. My parents divorced when
I was young, and I've had little contact with my father. The church
that I attend has a sizable amount of black parishioners, so black
Catholics are not that uncommon. I have a maternal aunt who feels the
need to make comments to make it seem like I'm doing something wrong
(being Catholic), and once I was complaining to a co-worker that my
son's religious education classes seemed to have too much of a
Hispanic overtone for me and she replied 'Well, Kim, it is THEIR
religion...' ? Other than that I have no problems.
POSTED 4/23/2000
Kim, Southern Calif, CA, United States, 35, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, Government, 2 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 423200012701
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