Best of the Week
of May 14, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of May 14, 2000, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s new
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
Lately I've been hearing commercials on the radio and seeing ads on
TV that make me think the United States is heading in the wrong
direction socially. On one of the ads, a husband forgets his and his
wife's anniversary, instead remembering that it's the anniversary of
a major day-trading corporation. I tried to laugh initially, but
can't shake the feeling that, as a society, our priorities are
seriously out of order. With schools still underfunded, the homeless
still in need of shelter and children (not to mention adults) in
serious need of health insurance, I feel this obsession with stocks,
IPOs, and the like shows a disdain for community the likes of which
I've never seen. Sometimes I find myself hoping the markets take a
jarring hit, if only to bring these hot-shot, nouveau-riche wannabes
back to earth and force them to look at the lives of those left
behind in the past decade. It seems like it would be the only way to
quell this mad chase for quick wealth, which has seemingly warped our
abilities to care for others who are less fortunate. What do others
think of all this?
POSTED 5/19/2000
Vincent B., Chicago, IL, United States,
<ariesflame73@il.freei.net>, 27, Male, Black/African American,
Over 4 Years of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID
5182000125057
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Question:
I visited Israel recently, and I loved it. However, I was surprised
at how aggressive Israelis were compared to Americans. By American
standards, people are downright rude to each other: they don't stand
in lines, they yell at each other in 'customer service' situations,
and they are very abrupt. Why is this?
POSTED 5/17/2000
Rhiannon, Eden Prairie, MN, United States, <hyena@visi.com>,
29, Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Professor, Middle class, Mesg ID
5172000111748
Responses:
I'm an American residing in Israel (I've lived in Israel, on and
off, for five years). Yes, everything you note is typical Israeli
behavior, and you are not the first to notice it. Here are two
theories on why this is so: First, history has taught Israel to be
tough and aggressive. The country owes its continued existence to
toughness and aggressiveness, and so individuals learn from this.
True, this lesson is less true today than it was 20 years ago, but
attitudes change very slowly. The other theory is that local
attitudes teach individuals, as children, to not be suckers. Thus,
everyone always pushes everyone to ensure that no one will take the
slightest advantage.
POSTED 5/18/2000
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 41, Male, Jewish, Engineer, 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 518200081301
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Question:
I have always wondered how a girl arrives at the point of displaying
her private parts to strangers for money, and what the circumstances
are. Little girls aspire to be doctors, actresses and lawyers, but
surely not nude dancers, so how do they become dancers? Yet I find
most nude dancers at strip clubs fascinating. Most I've talked to
come from white, middle-class backgrounds and are bright and
educated. One girl I got a lap dance from was born and raised in
Beverly Hills and attends a reputable four-year university. Not quite
a teenage runaway from a troubled home life. So how do these girls
become nude dancers? Were they abused sexually in childhood, thus the
'different' view of sexuality? At what point does money become more
important than maintaining one's sexual privacy?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Noah, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Male, Straight, engineer, Over
4 Years of College, Mesg ID 14200093007
Responses:
I started stripping a month after I graduated high school. (This
was topless dancing, not nude.) I wanted to move out of my parents'
house and needed money, and when I started college I wanted to work
weekends only but still live comfortably. I couldn't think of another
job in which I could make nearly as much money. I was also a little
bored with my life, and when I graduated high school I wanted to turn
everything familiar upside down and go wild ... and I was so curious
to see rich men and (what I thought would be) glamorous naked women
and smoke and hundred-dollar bills... I kept the job for nine months,
the longest I've kept any job. I'd begun to have sexual issues with
it. I wasn't sexually abused as a child, but the sex-filled
environment of strip clubs wore me down. I think it can be very
damaging to attach a price to sexual favors. It messed my head up,
and my sex drive had crashed by age 19, which I easily recognized as
pathetic. So I quit. As for backgrounds, all the dancers I knew had a
different story. Many had babies or lazy husbands; others were just
like me (from a solid home in suburbia). And we were all pretty damn
materialistic. The cliche about dancers is that they all have either
incredibly high or low self-esteem. I was definitely at the low end
and thought that making lots of money based on my looks would help me
feel better. And it did, for a while.One more point: I was always
interested in the psyche of my male customers and thought their
reasons for coming to the club were infinitely more interesting than
the dancers. So I'd like to throw the question back to you, a man:
Why do you patronize strip clubs?
POSTED 5/17/2000
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, student, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
517200033421
I manage a team of software testers for one of these startup
'dot-com' companies everyone complains about. I (and my partner) own
a house in San Francisco, which is no mean feat with today's real
estate prices. In my spare time (mostly weekends), I'm also a male
escort specializing in a particular scene. I wasn't abused or
molested as a child - I was raised Catholic. I hold two bachelor's
degrees in scientific/engineering fields. Why do I do it? I like sex
as much as anyone else (probably more). I put a price tag on it to
keep it manageable - I stay within the bounds of my 'hobby,' and my
relationship at home is still sound. I'm not likely to fall in love
with someone, because I maintain a business relationship with them,
and they understand that. I don't do heavy drugs because I have to
drive to my see my clients, and I never know when they're going to
call. I always have the kind of sex I like (which I don't always get
at home - he's not into that), because that's what I advertise, and
that's what they call me for. When they call me back, I feel better
because they like me enough to pay me for a second visit. In the bar
scene, you never know what you're going to get until you get home.
The money isn't important to me - I make enough at my day job to
afford to live here. 'Sexual privacy' doesn't necessarily have to
have value - only to those who desire it. I have no need for it. (By
the way, I've always wanted to do this. Surely there are women who
want to be exotic dancers as well.)
POSTED 5/17/2000
Rusty, San Francisco, CA, United States, 32, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Software Testing Manager, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 516200032815
I agree with you completely, Rusty. I have been a dancer in some
shape or form all my life, and after spending a few years with a
dance-theatre company, the idea of stripping has appealed to me even
more. I get to dance AND get the starring role - my solo onstage
(which usually went to the friend of the director or something). And
I'm not going to strip because I have no other option or have been
forced into it; it's because I like nice things, I love my sexuality
and am shamelessly egotistical (although never snobby). I think
narcissism is the healthiest thing that can happen to a person. The
worst thing a girl can endure is to feel undesirable and
worthless.
POSTED 5/19/2000
Sylph, Toronto,, Ontario, NA, Canada, 19, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, student, High School Diploma , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 518200050441
I read that 70 percent of all women in the sex industry (porn
films, strippers, prostitutes, etc.) were abused as children, sexual
or otherwise. Unfortunately, Hollywood glamorizes these occupations.
They give little girls the impression they'll be desired by men.
POSTED 5/19/2000
Elena, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Secretary, Mesg ID 519200053119
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Question:
What do people who have been blind from birth dream about?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Michael S., Toronto, Ontario, n/, Canada, 27, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 510200050026
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Question:
As a virgin, I have been wondering (especially since I have been in
high school) what is so big about sex. I am a very sexual/erotic
person but yet do not care to have sex. I have discussed this with my
friends but still do not totally see what's the big deal.
POSTED 5/15/2000
M.B., Kansas City, MO, United States, 18, Female, Mesg ID
515200062605
Responses:
Oh, you will, buddy, you will.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Gary, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 38, Male, Black/African
American, Straight, professional, Mesg ID 515200091053
Sex is often more hype than anything else. As a young person,
particularly a virgin, there tends to be a lot of pressure to 'do
it,' get it over with and find out what sex is all about. Despite all
of the romantic novels, porn movies and sex scenes in books, the
actual act doesn't take that long for most couples. Usually, the most
amount of time is spent in foreplay ... and afterward in critiquing
one anothers' performance. Perhaps, for you, your sexual desires are
satisfied by heavy petting or just kissing and touching. Often, when
someone isn't ready to 'go all the way', they ask questions such as
yours. There's nothing wrong with that, we all decide when we are
ready to have sex at our own time and shouldn't allow ourselves to be
pressured into doing something before it's right for us. There's no
rush to have sex. Having sex just to have sex is pretty unfulfilling.
Having sex with someone you truly and deeply love transcends the
physical experience to become something more magical. Unfortunately,
words don't adequately describe the feeling. When you're ready and
the time and the other person are right, your sexual experience will
be one that you treasure.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Pete, Orlando, FL, United States, 51, Male, 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 5172000123342
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Question:
Do people from poorer neighborhoods feel uncomfortable when visiting
more affluent neighborhoods?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Candice, Toronto, Ontario, NA, United States, 18, Female, Asian,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 515200063537
Responses:
When I go to rich areas of Montreal (like Westmount), even if I'm
just walking in the street or looking around in a store, I feel out
of place. I feel as if everyone must know that I don't belong there.
I feel self-conscious about my clothes and manners. Looking at those
huge, gorgeous old houses with ivy all over them makes me feel poor
and insignificant. I just don't feel at ease among people who hire
nannies for their kids, don't do their own cooking and cleaning and
spend more money on one outfit than I spend on a month's rent.
POSTED 5/15/2000
C.P., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 22, Female, student, Mesg ID
515200054609
I never grew up in the inner city or a 'barrio' suburb, but I
didn't grow up in a posh neighborhood, either. My neighborhood sort
of straddles the line between working and middle class, and by middle
class I mean an electrician or low-end office worker and not a lawyer
or doctor. There are more 'peckerwood' types than gangbangers. And
all the drugs and illicit stuff mostly stays within people's homes
and not on the streets. All-in-all, pretty decent. But across town on
the western side, things are really posh. Four- or five-star
restaurants, fancy hotels, $600,000+ houses, etc. I don't really go
over there too much except to go to school. It does feel kind of
weird traversing around there clad in cutoff Dickies and battered
work boots, with a hard-edged demeanor about me. Sometimes people
seem to assume I'm entirely out of place, and others do their
darndest to pretend I'm nothing out of the ordinary. I don't think
I'd want to live there, because I'd lose my identity, and I'd rather
be surrounded by construction workers than high-society types. As for
my friends from the barrios, they're always darting their eyes around
making sure the cops aren't on their tail.
POSTED 5/18/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Student, Lower middle class,Mesg ID
516200030655
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Question:
I have noticed a number of younger African Americans wearing
knee-high pantyhose on their heads. I would like to know why this is
done, and where this trend came from.
POSTED 3/3/1999
Jason, Washington, DC, United States, Male, Mesg ID 3399111616
Responses:
Those aren't knee-his. They're wave caps. They help keep waves in
their hair. Actually, they're supposed to be worn when they sleep.
Perhaps they're getting their hair ready so it will look good when
they reach their destination (work, party, school).
POSTED 5/15/2000
B.J. Hunt, Florissant, MO, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 515200061832
It's called a stocking cap or wave cap. With African-American hair
being naturally curly, we can style it so that the hair becomes
'wavy,' henceforth 'wave cap.' Traditionally it was worn to bed and
taken off in the morning. But, with younger generations, it's become
a trend to wear them everywhere. In the past it was worn by men only,
because our hair was generally shorter than our female counterparts.
Then women began wearing their hair shorter, allowing them to wear
the same hair style. As always, younger generations have a more
relaxed sense of style than the previous. Once, wave caps were worn
in the house only. Then, it became socially allowable to wear them
outside. Now, young people have decided that wave caps are
fashionable attire. My generation would never have worn them as a hat
(and I'm not that old), which shows how quickly trends and social
atmospheres change.
POSTED 5/18/2000
J. Allen, Charlotte, NC, United States, <bigsicky@hotmail.com>,
29, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Office Asst,
Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 516200023251
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Question:
Do white people believe that all of the discussions about race make
people of color feel bad about living in the United States?
POSTED 3/3/1999
Mafusa, Rocklin, CA, United States, Black/African American, Mesg ID
339915535
Responses:
What a good question. It makes me think about what it is that
makes me feel so nervous about the race issue. I'm a white female. I
have been trying to understand how it must feel to have been part of
an oppressed group for generations, and how this treatment must color
the way one sees the world, and especially how one feels toward the
oppressor. I think I'm profoundly embarrassed by the way white people
have treated minorities. I'm also very ashamed. I have a guilty
conscience, and I'll probably be involved in equity issues for the
rest of my life trying to make amends for my ancestors'
intolerance.
POSTED 5/15/2000
Barbara S., Las Vegas, NV, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Mesg ID 515200063247
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Question:
Why would an airplane window seat (in coach) have a black shroud
around it on all three sides? I saw this on a flight from Germany a
few years ago. Visualize a shroud hanging from the ceiling and making
a 90-degree angle at each corner of the seat, something like a very
small shower curtain extending all the way to the floor. There was no
way to tell whether anyone was behind the curtain or not. Could
someone have died in flight? Or could it have been a criminal being
transported in shackles? I swear I'm not making this up, and I didn't
have the nerve to ask a stewardess what was going on. Has anyone else
ever seen this?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 39, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 511200084204
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Question:
Why is it that when I'm in a mall or store I always seem to see white
kids telling their parents what they should and shouldn't do? Don't
the parents know how to control them?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Baby T., Elgin, IL, United States, Mesg ID 512200071359
Responses:
The simple answer is that from the time these children were
infants, they were in charge and they knew it. Every time they cried,
mommy or daddy came running to see what was wrong. As infants, the
children learned that they had control over the adults by using
certain behaviors. As the children grow older, the parents might try
to re-assert their authority over the kids, but the kids would find
new behaviors to stay in charge. By the age of three, most children's
behavior patterns are set for life. My wife and I are often amazed at
the interaction we observe between controlling children and their
docile parents. The fact is that Dr. Spock was wrong (and admitted it
before his death), as are so many pop psychologists. A swift swat on
the butt of a misbehaving kid establishes control and who holds the
authority in the family. Parents who let their kids walk over them
LET their kids walk over them.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Pete, Orlando, FL, United States, 51, Male, 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 5172000124451
I think my generational peers - white and black - who are in the
'baby boomer' generation tend to resist growing up. They want to be
'kids' forever. Being a kid and being a parent are incompatible, so
they let their kids 'run them.' I'm an exception - I think you'd
consider me a 'controlling' parent.
POSTED 5/18/2000
Jorge M., Jacksonville, FL, United States, 43, Male, Episcopalian,
White/Hispanic, Straight, Human Resource Professional, Over 4 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 5172000115919
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Question:
Is the idea of 'testing the other guy' to see how he will react an
outdated concept? I have in mind two instances I've seen of this, one
a post-70 man who worked for me, the other a co-worker who, while
young (28), comes from a very traditional ethnic background. In both
instances I detected a desire on their part to 'push me,' i.e., to
make subtle challenges to me to see if I would react in a 'manly'
fashion or 'wimp out.' I 'wimped out' to the older man in deference
to his age and never gained his respect; I stood up to the younger
man and, I suppose, proved to him that I was somehow 'worthy.' In
either case, I think it was ridiculous. I regard my manhood as a
'given' and have no need or desire to prove mine or challenge anyone
else's. Isn't this behavior that was more typical of
'rough-and-tough' men, say, 50 years ago? And wouldn't it be more
typical today of poorly educated, 'low-brow' types?
POSTED 5/15/2000
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 39, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
5132000124049
Responses:
I think some men 'test' other men as a sort of confidence
pacifier. Possibly, they can walk a little taller knowing that they
'out-willed' the next guy. It doesn't make sense. It seems to be some
outdated right of passage. The sad thing is that as outdated as this
concept might be, we still have to participate in it. There's no way
around it. When I'm confronted like that, as a rule, I attempt to
appeal to their sensibilities in a joking manner: 'Oh, you've
intimidated me, you're so big and bad, do as you will' (in a very
bland tone of voice). I haven't confronted any 'tough guys' who don't
feel stupid after hearing me say that. It makes them realize how
childish the whole testosterone-induced aggression thing really
is.
POSTED 5/17/2000
J. Allen, Charlotte, NC, United States, 29, Male, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, Office Asst., Over 4 Years of
College , Lower class, Mesg ID 516200035127
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Question:
I used to administer a rather sophisticated management training
program in which those who couldn't make it were fired. When I state
the fact that affirmative action destroyed the integrity of the
program, I am attacked, even though I am just the carrier of the bad
news. How come?
POSTED 5/8/2000
J. Whitelaw, Palm Coast, FL, United States, 65, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, retired, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 57200035447
Responses:
There is more ground to be leveled before anything will be fair
or equal in America. What is the history of Caucasian education?
Well, in the recent past, it was illegal to teach blacks to read. It
is still considered in some places appropriate to place minority
children in classrooms where no educational curriculum is used. Would
you consider educating minorities polluting the school system? The
same difference exists in the work world. Children grow to adults. If
they are not taught (allowed to learn) as children, then they don't
become adults who are able to compete academically/intellectually.
However, the extremely intelligent minorities who are usually passed
over because of the 'old boy network' (which still exists) are not in
that pool of affirmative action recruits because they would have to
be the supervisor/boss (given fair assessment of credentials). So I
don't believe you're just the messenger. You're the product of a
racist society, which happens to reap the benefits.
POSTED 5/15/2000
D. Rashid, Fairfax, VA, United States, Female, Christian,
African-Native American, Straight, Information Specialist, Over 4
Years of College, Mesg ID 59200033603
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Question:
Why are American-born and/or raised Asian children taller than
non-American born Asians? I was born in Vietnam and raised in America
since I was 7, and I am four inches taller than my parents. My
youngest brother, born in Wisconsin, will likely be six inches taller
than mom and pop. My Asian friends are the same - they're taller than
their parents by several inches, some by seven or more. My theory is
that it is caused by the richer diet in Western countries. Are there
any other factors?
POSTED 5/9/2000
Binh, San Diego, CA, United States, <just4bui@hotmail.com>, 25,
Male, Agnostic, Asian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 58200054514
Responses:
I do not think there is one easy answer to this. I am of Anglo
decent and am about eight inches taller than my father, yet he was
born here in America, as was I. I believe the answer lies in the
realm of evolution because I have noticed that all children to some
degree seem to be getting taller than their parents. If there is
another answer out there I would like to know it.
POSTED 5/15/2000
Rick F., Ypsilanti, MI, United States,
<papasito1999@hotmail.com>, 42, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student College, 4 Years of College ,
Lower class, Mesg ID 514200052321
I've heard that Asians in general are getting taller, not just
Asians in the United States, and this is because of the introduction
of milk into their diets. I don't have any evidence to back it up. My
family came from North Dakota, and of my mom's siblings, all of the
ones born in California are taller than the ones born in North
Dakota. But then I am shorter than both my parents (not even 5' tall,
even though my dad is almost 6'), and I have lived my entire life in
California. So who knows.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Jacqueline C., San Jose, CA, United States, 26, Female,
White/Caucasian, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class,Mesg ID 515200071539
I think you are quite right about diet being the most important
factor. Your height is achieved by a combination of nature (genetics)
and nurture (environment). Current knowledge on evolution would say
that we can't genetically evolve into a population of taller people
in just a few generations (unless we suddenly prevented all short
people from breeding). So the most likely explanation for us towering
over our parents is that we have had different diets (and probably
different exercise levels). Having more nutrients during childhood
than our ancestors did has allowed us to get closer to reaching our
'optimum' genetically determined, height. It will be interesting to
see how pollution, anorexia and highly processed foods affect our
nations' heights in the future.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Beth, Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom, 25, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, PhD, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 515200045321
I am a biology student, and I would definitely say nutrition is a
huge factor. People are eating better, healthier foods today than
they were even 20 years ago. We're also exercising more and smoking
less - I would say that on the whole, our culture has become much
more conscious of the need to take care of ourselves. I, too, am
taller than my mother and most of my aunts, and I am catching up on
my father. My mom agrees that I ate much better than she did as a
child, partly for financial reasons and partly because her generation
of parents had more knowledge about the healthiest foods for their
children than the previous generation.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Nicole, Toronto, NA, Canada, 19, Female, Mesg ID 5162000124510
I think you hit the nail on the head. Diet has been linked to
height and strength in Asian cultures. Here, we eat more
protein/calcium-rich foods than our parents did growing up. Simply
put, children here get more nutrients that stimulate growth.
POSTED 5/17/2000
Jaina, New York, NY, United States, 23, Female, Asian Indian, Gay,
Writer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 515200043118
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