Best of the Week
of June 4, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of June 4, 2000, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s new
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
I have always been curious about why gay men use those odd
mannerisms, such as the limp wrist, different speech patterns, etc.
Are they supposed to be like women? Where do they learn these
mannerisms, and are they attractive to other gay men?
POSTED 6/7/2000
Isabelle R., Leonardtown, MD, United States, 47, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, medical transcriptionist, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 662000105422
Responses:
Simple answer: Group behavior. Same way as other groups of people
develop similar patterns of speech, dress, mannerisms, etc. People
from from Minnesota say 'Ja' instead of yes, for example, and in any
city you go to you will find the local kids divided into groups that
dress and talk in a specific way. As to the origins of this 'style'
(and this stereotype of gay men has been around a long time), one of
the more interesting theories I have heard on this is that way back
when, it was quite socially accepted with 'sissys' or 'dandies' of
the Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde sort. This was (and still is) a hell of
a lot less threatening to straight guys than if queers acted 'just
like them.' If 'they' were just like you, then how would you know
your friend or your brother wasn't one? It is comforting for people
to behave in a way that lets you easily label and box them. So the
whole thing may have started as a defense mechanism. Depending on who
you hang out, where you meet your friends and their age group, you
are more or less likely to see this pattern. Older guys whose only
way to 'come out' was to start going to gay bars picked up this style
very easily. Among younger guys whose first 'coming-out' experience
is at youth groups, etc., with other people their own age, there is a
much more individualistic style of being themselves. There's nothing
wrong with the queens, though; camping it up is fun.
POSTED 6/8/2000
Iteki, Stockholm, NA, Sweden, <iteki@chickmail.com>, 24,
Female, lapsed Roman Catholic, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, High School
Diploma , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 68200023148
I feel it is likely that the reason you think all gay men have
these mannerisms is that that is how you were brought up to identify
them. In reality there are probably many other gay men who escape
question because they blend into an otherwise straight society. I'm
17 and gay, and I don't have a limp wrist, or lisp, or speak in a
feminine voice.
POSTED 6/9/2000
Dorian, Ralph, NA, United Kingdom, <r5_d4@hotmail.com>, 17,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, musician, Less than High School Diploma ,
Upper class, Mesg ID 672000112142
The range of mannerisms in the gay community is incredibly broad,
running from the effeminacy you describe to the super-masculine.
Young gay men adopt the mannerisms that reflect their images of who
they are and how they fit into the world at large. Some seem
themselves as highly masculine; they may join the Marine Corps, ride
motorcycles or become police officers. Others see themselves as
graceful, behaving with the feminine graces they prize. And then
there's the huge majority in the middle. As in the rest of life, some
gay men find one set of mannerisms attractive, other mannerisms less
so and some utterly offensive. A lot of this is cultural:
heterosexual men in Italy and France often develop mannerisms that
straight Americans at home would consider to be gay.
POSTED 6/9/2000
Thom, Washington, DC, United States, 57, Male, Gay, Over 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 67200061955
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Question:
I'd like to know what people think about someone donating eggs. Do
you think it's wrong to do because there are already children out
there who want to be adopted? My father said I'd just be helping out
the 'rich' if I did this, and that it would be wrong. He thinks that
just because someone can 'buy' eggs doesn't make it OK for them to
look past all the kids in orphanages. I am a very moral person. I
don't drink or smoke. I'm really doing it solely for the money, but I
know it will help someone. Also, isn't it kind of unfair to bash the
rich just because they are able to do something like this?
POSTED 6/6/2000
Anonymous, South, NJ, United States, 25, Female, White/Caucasian,
Systems Analyst, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
65200082120
Responses:
Your question is really about two different issues. One is the
donation of eggs, and the other is the selling of eggs. The idea of
selling body parts in general bothers me. I have seen advertisments
from people willing to pay more than $300,000 for eggs from the right
'donor,' i.e. blond and blue, tall, high IQ, etc. It's as if the
people are trying to create the 'perfect' child, and nothing less is
good enough for them. I would never presume to tell another person
how to spend their money, but I think about how much that same
$300,000 could accomplish if put to some other use than to buy eggs -
especially when there are other options for having a child. Is the
selling of eggs any different than selling a kidney on eBay? On the
other hand, I think that donation is perfectly OK. Eggs fall into a
category similar to organ donation.
POSTED 6/7/2000
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 25, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 662000124313
It can't be any more wrong than sperm donation. I would, however,
worry that your children would marry and have kids with their
half-siblings.
POSTED 6/7/2000
Amy, Charleston, WV, United States, 28, Female, Baptist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
66200080721
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Question:
There are more Latinos moving into our community, and I strive to
welcome them. Part of my job takes me into homes in the community -
and of course, Latino homes. I am trying to learn the culture so as
to be polite and not offend, but one thing is curious to me: In
several homes I have visited, especially with younger heads of
household, there have been several large stuffed animals on display.
These are usually of cartoon characters, bears or dogs and some are
2-4 feet tall. Sometimes they are hanging on the walls like pictures.
Why are these used as prominent decorative pieces?
POSTED 6/6/2000
Candice, Fremont, NE, United States, 25, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, education, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 662000120530
Responses:
I've noticed this here and there. I guess we just like to
decorate our houses with inexpensive items. Sometimes you'll see
clown and circus animal statuettes bought from flea markets,
sometimes you'll see little plastic dolls from 25 cent vending
machines, sometimes you'll see empty tequila bottles lined up on the
mantle, sometimes you'll see a drawing made by a family member, etc.
It has a folksy, kitschy charm to it, and it's a heck of a lot easier
on the wallet than getting stuff from Spiegel or Nordstrom.
POSTED 6/7/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, student, Lower middle class,Mesg ID
66200012505
I've never seen, heard or read about anything like what you
describe among Latinos. I've always associated adults with stuffed
toys as something young white women sometimes have a thing for, as a
way of playfully showing they haven't yet needed to grow up because
their families are so well-off. Sounds to me like what you're
assuming is something that a few Latinos do is actually more a sign
of upper middle class assimilation or imitating well-off white
women.
POSTED 6/7/2000
A.C.C., W. Lafayette, IN, United States, 34, Mexican and American
Indian, Grad student, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
66200060113
I don't agree that one can assume the questioner thinks all
Hispanics have stuffed animals in an attempt to mimic rich white
women. This generally lower-middle-class white lesbian has about 30
stuffed animals in her living room. My partner and I have collected
them over the years to celebrate various occassions, and none of them
cost more than $10. The primary reason Y Forum has been so successful
is that people feel questions about other cultures can be asked
without being raked over the coals for having the nerve to ask the
question.
POSTED 6/9/2000
Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, 46, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, unemployed, 4 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 67200083709
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Question:
I have spent a lot of time with gay men, time that I've really
enjoyed. There is a problem, though. I find that they are often
really unreliable. For example, they're late, they cancel
arrangements at the last possible minute, etc. It's really hard for
me to cope with. It's not how I operate. I realize that problem might
not be just gay men, and that it could be a broader social problem,
but am I right in thinking this is related to gay men?
POSTED 6/6/2000
Priscilla, Sydney, NA, Australia, 23, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
63200072314
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Question:
Why do ladies who are over-large (size 18 or more) insist on wearing
skin-tight leggings with short t-shirts that show their rolls of fat
wobbling as they walk? My mother is a size 18 and is just over 5 feet
tall, but she wears trousers that taper to the ankle and blouses that
come down to her hips. She often gets told how smart she looks. So, I
guess my real question is: Do large women ever look in the mirror at
their back view before they leave the house?
POSTED 6/6/2000
Patjlewis, Liverpool, NA, United Kingdom, 43, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, sales assistant, High School Diploma ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 64200034400
Responses:
If someone is happy with his or her body, I say let them wear
whatever they want. We all come in different shapes and sizes. If you
are a size 18, five feet tall and feel comfortable with yourself,
then wear something that shows off your body. If you go around trying
to make others happy, you will never truly be happy.
POSTED 6/7/2000
Samantha, Livonia, MI, United States, Female, Mesg ID
662000113550
Did you ever consider that your sensitivity to larger women may be
your problem and not theirs? Maybe they're comfortable being who they
are and don't consider opinions like yours relevant.
POSTED 6/7/2000
Gerry Z., Philadelphia, PA, United States, Mesg ID 66200043152
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Question:
I would like to know about Muslims' religion and would really like to
have someone teach me the its followings. I'm not quite sure how or
what to ask, except: How do I get started?
POSTED 6/6/2000
Stormi, Roach, SC, United States, 39, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, submissive bisexual, technician, High School Diploma
, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 62200052218
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Question:
To females: Did you have any side-effects when you went on the Pill,
and if so, what were they and how severe were they? I am worried that
I will put on a lot of weight if I go on it.
POSTED 6/1/2000
Netta, Armidale, NA, Australia, 18, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 531200025338
Responses:
Side-effects depend on the type of pill you are using. There are
a lot of micro pills on the market that minimize the hormonal intake
nowadays. The best thing is to talk to your gynecologist about it. As
for me, I have always put on a little weight (been off and on the
pill a couple of times in my life) due to water. But it really isn't
that bad. On the contrary, I found that the pill reduces PMS
(especially the cramps) significantly. And of course your cycle will
stabilize. However, you DO have to consider the possible side effects
that can come with the pill and which are decribed in detail on (or
rather within) the package. By all means, talk to your doctor and/or
pharmacist about it.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Tina, Atlanta, GA, United States, 34, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, software specialist, Technical School ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 61200022408
Speak to your doctor about this one. There are umpteen different
kinds of pill, and it's not unusual for women to try a number before
they find the right one for them. The first one I tried made me burst
into tears at the slightest thing. The next one I tried was fine and
has the added bonus that I don't have to shave my legs as often as I
did! I don't know how common it is for women to put on weight when
they go on the pill, but I didn't notice any weight gain on either
kind that I tried.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Geraldine, London, NA, United Kingdom, 33, Female, Mesg ID
64200071734
I think it varies from woman to woman and on the type of pill your
doctor prescribes. I was taking orthotricylen and really have only
positive things to say about it - I didn't experience weight gain, my
periods were not as heavy and were more regular, and my moods evened
out. Taking the pill on time is key, though, not just for birth
control issues, but also in terms of feeling nauseous after having to
double up and your cycle not being as reliable. I would suggest
buying a watch with an alarm until it becomes part of your routine.
One caveat: when I stopped taking the pill, I lost a lot of weight
very quickly (and later gained it back) and my period was really
unreliable. It takes something like six months for your body to
readjust, so be warned.
POSTED 6/6/2000
Lisa, New York, NY, United States, Female, Mesg ID 65200032230
I didn't experience side effects of the pill until I had been on
it continuously for five years. I was far more irritable than usual,
my cycles were very predictable (as were my moods), my hair became
flat (it was fluffy) and I had terrible cravings about once a month.
The side effects crept up on me and I was unaware of them until I was
off the pill. If I were as active now as I was when I first got on
the pill, I'd still be on it, though. There is, in my opinion, no
better short-term method of preventing pregnancy. However, I wouldn't
recommend staying on it for a prolonged length of time.
POSTED 6/6/2000
Charlotte, Charlotte, NC, United States, 32, Female, Presbyterian,
Straight, Coordinator, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 652000111014
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Question:
Why is it that black people often seem to have a look of resentment,
or an angry, belligerent sneer, on their faces, even when no one is
looking at them? Is it a reaction to the racism they are surrounded
by? Or is it just the way their faces look, and white people
misinterpret it? Granted, people of all races can have a sullen look
on their face, as many can have a cheerful look, but why does it seem
that black people make themselves less likeable by looking so
resentful?
POSTED 6/1/2000
Raul F., Denver, CO, United States, 40, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, cataloger, 2 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 528200041037
Responses:
I observe many white people looking pretty depressed and angry,
too. I think our society has become so impersonal and violent that
people are afraid to make contact and smile. Sometimes I get comments
that I should smile more, but I may be thinking about something or
just not in the mood. However, we should all make an effort to smile
and say hello to more people each day.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Denise, Hartford, CT, United States, 35, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, IT, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
62200022933
I think this is a personal observation of the people you have
encountered in your area. I am an African-American female (from the
South, so I actually have a reason to look sour) and am constantly
being told I am so approachable and friendly. I constantly receive
the comment 'What the hell are you so happy about?' on a daily basis.
Perhaps the look you are seeing is one of tiredness, or boredom, or
even depression. One can never truly tell what is going on in
another's mind or what their true feelings may be, but to assume
someone is less 'likable' based on what you consider to be an
all-around trait in African Americans is a little broad and invalid.
Keep Smilin'!
POSTED 6/5/2000
Jane, San Diego, CA, United States, <urofile@aol.com>, 29,
Female, Agnostic, Black/African American, Bisexual, Paralegal, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 62200064606
I will by no means claim the authority to speak for Afrikan
Americans collectively, but this theory is without doubt a plausible
one: In general, a person of Afrikan descent in America has little or
nothing to justify the pasting of a permanent smile on his or her
face. This issue dates back to our kidnapping from our true home and
being brought here to suffer some of the most heinous atrocities ever
committed against humankind. Think of it like this: imagine a
stranger breaking into your otherwise peaceful home and then raping,
robbing, maiming, torturing and otherwise dehumanizing you in every
imaginable way (and some unimaginable ways), slaughtering your
brothers and sisters before your eyes and then forcing you into
complete bondage and servitude to him. Understandably, a single
episode of this magnitude would induce severe levels of trauma in an
individual, so just imagine the application of this to an entire
people repeatedly for more than 400 years. As far as 'making
ourselves less likable by not smiling,' I must ask just who is it who
does not like us? Perhaps it is time we stopped smiling for the sake
of granting comfort to oppressive forces and let how we truly feel
show. Why should we worry about 'being likable' to those who smile at
us as they subject us to less-than-favorable conditions, and then
smile even more after the deed is done? I could not care less if a
white man ever saw my teeth again. You have no idea what my people
have been through and continue to go through. There are those who
would say, 'Remember the Holocaust,' but ours continues even today at
the hands of those who make, break and 'enforce' laws - they are all
one and the same.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Sherman A., Calumet City, IL, United States, 30, Male, Muslim,
Afrikan-American, Communications, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
652000125545
I have often wondered that myself being black. I cannot answer for
everyone, but you are correct in that a lot of what we deal with from
whites and others has caused us to become untrustful and angry. I
hate to always use slavery, but over the years that anger has not
subsided, because of the struggles we have gone through to get the
things we deserve in the first place. But when I look at pictures of
Africans, I notice they have that look, too, so maybe it's just our
culture.
POSTED 6/6/2000
Sabrina, Houston, TX, United States, 25, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, student/Admin Assist., 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 65200033230
Leaving aside all of the obvious historical, socioeconomic issues
for a moment, in my opinion, some of the 'black frown syndrome' comes
as a result of conditioning from others. I am generally a very
friendly person, but I can't tell you how many times I've smiled or
made eye-contact with a white person, only to be ignored or scowled
at. After a while you just don't bother being pleasant anymore. It
feels better to do the rejecting first, by maintaining a 'leave me
alone expression,' rather than always being the one who gets
rebuffed. C'est la vie.
POSTED 6/6/2000
K., Chicago, IL, United States, Black/African American, Mesg ID
652000100617
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Question:
To men: If you were a woman for one day, what would you do or what
would you be most curious about? To women: If you were a man for one
day, what would you do or what would you be most curious about?
POSTED 5/30/2000
P., E-Town, NA, Germany, 20, White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Mesg
ID 529200072301
Responses:
I would want to go through the menstrual cycle to see what it is
all about. I know this would be hard to accomplish in one day, but
maybe an abbreviated form of it. Maybe having and holding my newborn
child as well. Hopefully this could be contained to one day. I know
it is kind of weird to pick these two, but other than these, I don't
think there is much difference between men and women.
POSTED 5/31/2000
Matthew, New York, NY, United States, 42, Male, White/Caucasian,
actor, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
531200074541
I'd like to be lactating - feeding a baby. I'd love to know what
it feels like to have breasts and feed a baby.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Malcolm, Sydney, NA, Australia, 41, Male, Agnostic, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, 4 Years of College , Upper class, Mesg ID 642000110153
If I were a woman for a day I'd like to experience a multiple
orgasm. A women's orgasm comes in waves until climax, and then it
starts over again. Men build up to climax ... then it's over.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Rick, Charlotte, NC, United States, 29, Male, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, student, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
64200092926
The obvious answer is that I'd go out and have sex. Duh. I think
everyone is curious about what it's like for people of the opposite
sex. Then I'd probably go about my normal, everyday activities and
see how much differently I got treated as a man. But the sex thing
would come first
POSTED 6/5/2000
Melissa, Montgomery, AL, United States, 21, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 2 Years of College , Middle class,Mesg ID
622000124659
I wonder why no man said he would like to be a woman for a day to
give birth? Yes, it does hurt. But so do a lot of things. I would
like to know what it is like to experience morning sickness,
pregnancy and giving birth so that I could understand what a woman
goes through. There is the other side to the orgasm, you know. Does
any other man agree with this?
POSTED 6/7/2000
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, Male, Over 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 66200021603
I'd go camping, and pee standing up.
POSTED 6/7/2000
E.D., Kansas City, MO, United States, 43, Female, Mesg ID
67200012227
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Question:
Why is it that more and more white men are interested in black
women?
POSTED 5/30/2000
Cheron, Coopersville, MI, United States, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, customer service, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 5292000101101
Responses:
I think it is because it has become more socially acceptable for
white men to date black women. I am a white man and have dated two
black women, and they were both fantastic women. Many black women
have been sexual icons in pop culture: Tyra Banks, Halle Barre and
Janet Jackson, to name a few. Not only white women are magazine
covers and television; the beauty of the black woman has also been
portrayed in pop culture and elsewhere.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Tyler, Grand Rapids, MI, United States, 20, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Automotive, 2 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 64200031119
I am a black female and have dated a number of white men. I will
say that white men are not necessarily becoming more interested in
black women, but they are becoming more open about their interest in
black women. White men in general have always had interest in black
women (and I am not including those who seek us for sexually based,
rape-motivated and/or stereotypical reasons); it is just that based
on the times, locations and specific societal pressures that they
face, white men may not be as frank and explicit with their desires
to seek black women or extend their dating options to include black
women. Of course, there are white men who are used to white people,
'white ways' and white environments, meaning population and types of
people, and because of this narrowed experience with only their own
ethnic background, they may be comfortable with only or mostly white
women as romantic partners. Still, I have met and dated white men
from those types of environments who are tired of mono-racial
experiences and seek to diversify their options and relations to
black/non-white women as both friends and dating partners. I think as
society becomes more representational of interracial relationships
and settings in sufficient ways through mass media, public events and
functions, the ability for white men and anyone else interested in
people of different ethnic groups to date will become more of a
normal rather than taboo issue.
POSTED 6/5/2000
Mindkandy, Los Angeles, CA, United States,
<Mindkandy@hotmail.com>, 22, Female, Black/African American,
Straight, college student, 2 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 642000123140
I think the answer is that more women who are considered African
American have Caucasians in their family tree. Although many of these
women have dark skin, they were raised in a partially white culture,
which means there is more in common between the two. As
cross-cultural relationships continue, I think we can expect to see
even more of this in the future. The lines are beginning to blur.
POSTED 6/6/2000
John, Mt. Clemens, MI, United States, 34, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
622000110956
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