Best of the Week
of June 8, 2003
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of June 8, 2003, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from
previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s database using
the search form , or, in the case of posted
before April 24, 1999, in the Original
Archives (all questions from the Original Archives have
been entered into the database as well). In the Original Archives, as
well as in the database, you will find questions that have received
answers, as well as questions still awaiting responses. You are
encouraged to answer any questions relevant to your demographic
background, as well as to ask any provocative question you desire.
Answers posted are not necessarily meant to represent the views of an
entire demographic group, but can provide a window into the insights
of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop
at Y?'s guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
The book on Y? is
here!
"Why Do White People Smell
Like Wet Dogs
When They Come Out Of The Rain?"
Order it here!
Read the Associated Press story
on "Wet Dogs"
Question:
I always thought reaching the mid-40s was the kiss of death for
women as far as dating. But I am noticing much younger men flirting
with me. Do younger men really like older women? Is it purely sexual?
What's up?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Valerie, Ft. Lauderdale, FL, United States, 45, Female, Mormon,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Sales, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 513200310550
Responses:
Yes! Maybe! Yes, we do really like you. When I was a young man,
older women were always beautiful and very sexy. In my 20s and 30s I
dated many women 40-plus, and it was wonderful. I had a healthy,
normal relationship with women of my own age, but older women also
got my full attention. In some cases it was sexual, but not always.
Some of the best times in my life were spent in the company of mature
women. If you find the young ones are flirting, then you've got it!
You've got the kiss of life!
POSTED 6/11/2003
Harvey, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 50, Male, Catholic,
Black/African American, Straight, Sales, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 5242003115700
I am a 44-year-old woman looking forward to turning 45 in a few
months. I am constantly hit on by younger men. I have dated a few who
have their heads together. No, it's not all about sex. The ones who
are trolling for sex don't get far with me, basically because you
have to be able to make love to my mind first. However, the ones who
I have dated look at older women as widening the dating pool. I am
also not looking and will not become involved with someone who is
just looking for notches on their belt, or wants to be raised again.
Younger than me doen't mean young enough to be my child - they've
been raised in an era in which they are not intimidated by a woman
with education, her own wealth or possessions. Let's face it: turning
40 did something really beautiful for you. In my case, I wasn't as
driven to succeed in business, had completed my child rearing and was
more relaxed in mind and spirit and felt more appreciative of myself
and others. Some very smart younger men could be picking up on that.
I have been told by younger men open to dating older women that that
is the quality that they appreciate most: A woman who knows who she
is and is comfortable with that. I am enjoying myself more now than I
ever have.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Serene, Chandler, AZ, United States, 44, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Self Employed, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 525200380441
Why don't you find out and report back to us? If they are
flirting, take them up on it and find out if it is flattery, lust or
love. You will only know life by living it. Good luck.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Matthew, New York City, NY, United States, 44, Male, Middle class,
Mesg ID 529200381202
Ever since I turned 39, I notice that much younger guys have been
hitting on me. I have absolutely no idea why this has been happening,
but it's very flattering!
POSTED 6/11/2003
Jackki, Louisville, KY, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Nurse, Mesg ID 530200364122
Most women meet their sexual peak somewhere in their forties or
fifties - the high level of desire is likely to last from the
thirties to sixties. Men reach their sexual peak in their teens and
twenties, so you are an attractive find as someone who is likely both
experienced and lusty.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Jessica, Huntsville, TX, United States, 23, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 5312003124033
I am a 17-year-old male and can say that older women are
definitely more of a turn-on for men, as they are generally more
experienced.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Ne0n, Northampton, NA, United Kingdom, Male, Straight, Mesg ID
63200373917
My opinion is that women (men, too, I suppose), are taking care of
themselves much better than in past generations (physically,
emotionally, etc.) and therefore remaining 'attractive' much longer.
Also, women seem to be more confident as they age and become more
comfortable with who they are and not so hung up on trying to 'be'
something they are not. To me, any woman (regardless of age) who is
confident, feels attractive and is comfortable in her own skin is
very attractive to me.
POSTED 6/11/2003
PHil, Warren, MI, United States, 37, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, technical, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 66200333405
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Question:
Why do people automatically think that a guy is gay if he looks
great and has a certain sense of style, or only wears certain
clothes? I mean, some women do this, so why can't men?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Jen, Flint, MI, United States, Mesg ID 5142003104234
Responses:
There are certain styles of clothes that younger and 'out' gay
men seem to gravitate toward, such as Abercrombie & Fitch. Tight
t-shirts, tight jeans, shiny fabrics, necklaces and bracelets also
seem to be common fashion statements among younger 'out' gay men. But
this is true of lesbians, too. The 'biker chick' look and lose jeans,
braless with white t-shirts and plaid shirts seem to be favorites of
many lesbians I know. If a straight person dresses this way, I too am
guilty of assuming they are gay. If they choose to dress this way,
the assumptions are a given ...and they better be prepared to deal
with it.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Mike, Santa Cruz, CA, United States, 42, Male, Humanist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 5222003121306
Style and attention to beauty and details are usually attributed
to women because that was the main focus of most women's existences
for many centuries: housekeeping, making clothes, decorating (both
their home and themselves). Men, meanwhile, were out hunting, farming
and chopping wood. They didn't have to pay attention to how they
dressed or show an interest or inclination toward style of any sort.
When a man did dress stylishly, he was seen as being less 'manly'
because he obviously wasn't doing what other men were doing.
Unfortunately, many people still feel that way today.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Tracy, Oklahoma City, OK, United States, Mesg ID 523200314434
Women and men have roles in society. A female's conventional role
(although of course things are changing nowadays, so this 'role' is
also evolving) is to be the 'charmer,' because long ago, people
believed it improper for women to court men. Men, on the other hand,
are supposed to be the ones to make the first move after being
'charmed.' To be able to 'charm' men, women are supposed to look
good. This is probably why when you say fashion, you think of girls
first before you think of men. Though things are different now, that
attitude is still rooted in us, and we still think that stylish men
are somehow playing women's roles.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Steffie, Manila, NA, Philippines, <unorthodoxie@yahoo.com>,
23, Female, Catholic, Asian, Straight, medical student, Over 4 Years
of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 5242003100150
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Question:
Why do so many Hollywood films seem to feature villains played
by British (more specifically English) actors? For example, in Robin
Hood Prince of Thieves, heroic Robin and his men are played by
American actors (even though it's set in Medieval England), while the
Sheriff of Nottingham, the evil guy, is played by a very English
actor, Alan Rickman. There are many other examples. Is it acceptable
for some reason for the English accent to represent evil, when other
accents would be unacceptable?
POSTED 5/11/2003
Kathy B., London, NA, United Kingdom, 40s, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Middle class, Mesg ID 59200342753
Responses:
If you think only British accents are used to represent villains,
you aren't paying much attention to movies. How about all the Arab
terrorists, Latino drug dealers and black 'ghetto-sounding' gang
members that make up a far larger portion of film villains? How about
all the Russian villains or Italian mafiosos? British accents in the
American mind represent the upper class, old money or other
privileged elites, which only by coincidence also makes them good
villains. Think about the Star Wars series, for example. Frankly, we
get all too many movies that assume a British accent equals
sophistication and the height of culture. Think James Bond or all
those boring Ivory Merchant films.
POSTED 5/20/2003
A.C.C., Phoenix, AZ, United States, Male, Mexican and American
Indian, Mesg ID 513200364332
Don't you think maybe you put too much thought into that? Why does
everyone want to be a victim? Did you ever stop to think maybe he was
just the best actor for the part and it had nothing to do with
accents?
POSTED 5/20/2003
Natasha, Kansas City, KS, United States, Female, Mesg ID
514200322704
My guess is that it's just a quick and dirty way to show
'otherness,' especially if you are not a very good actor or the
director doesn't think the audience is smart enough to deal with
villains that don't 'talk funny.' It's not just English accents:
German, French, etc. are also used.
POSTED 5/20/2003
Ramonna, Pensacola, FL, United States, Female, Episcopalian,
Black/African American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 515200391620
I'm from England and I've noticed this, too - almost every movie
I've ever seen has had a British-accented bad guy. And they are
always rational, exceptionally intelligent bad guys - never
slash-and-grab types. I've also noticed that Eastern European accents
are sometimes used for intelligent, calculating criminals. I think
the PC crowd would not be so accepting of other accents used for the
same types of roles. Recently, groups have boycotted various movies
because of the use of Middle-Eastern accents for the villains. I
guess because the British are a Western, Caucasion people, it is
considered OK to stereotype them. At least we are portrayed as
intelligent and elegant people, and even though that's a stereotype,
it's better than some of the other stereotypes.
POSTED 5/20/2003
Jay, New York, NY, United States, Male, Mesg ID 516200394829
I have two theories why so many Hollywood baddies are British.
First, an English accent, especially the to-the-manor-born type an
Alan Rickman can achieve, tends to symbolize breeding (authority) in
this country. Mainstream American movies are built on the idea of the
'little guy' defying authority. Second, because most British-accented
actors are white, they make a perfect image for villains, as a bad
guy of any other ethnic background would bring accusations of racism.
POSTED 5/20/2003
S.B., Detroit, MI, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, 4 Years
of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 517200394933
I don't think Brits are portrayed as evil. However, in many
historical movies in which the language of the country was not
English (i.e. The Gladiator), all the characters have British
accents. Americans think that by sounding 'Britishy,' you sound
regal, educated and formal, sometimes to the point of being uptight.
POSTED 5/20/2003
John, New York, NY, United States, Male, Mesg ID 519200331655
If the film is an American production, I will venture to say that
the villain or antagonist is going to be represented as a foreigner
99 percent of the time, even though some people here are convinced
that anyone who speaks proper English can't be a foreigner. Hollywood
offers a very distorted reality. To attempt to answer your question,
I can only reason that in the context of a film that takes place in
England, made almost exclusively for a U.S. audience, you can be
certain that anything American (accent or actor) will never be used
to portray 'the bad guy.' Conversely, have you ever noticed how in
British films, television shows and novels, continental Europeans and
other foreigners and their accents are the epitome of evil? Nearly
every James Bond movie has a foreigner as the villain; even Count
Dracula in Bram Stoker's novel is meant to represent everything that
wasn't English and Victorian. Look at most historical films about the
Romans, Biblical stories, World War II films, etc: the protagonists
all use British accents. I suppose it depends on who is directing the
film and in which country, which brings up another fact that most
movies are not even filmed in the country where they are supposedly
taking place. By the way, Alan Rickman played the best villain in Die
Hard as Hans Gruber. Remember?
POSTED 5/20/2003
Christian, Boston, MA, United States, Mesg ID 520200390428
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Question:
Why do black people think it's OK to be loud and disruptive at
the movie theater?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Natasha, Kansas City, KS, United States, 22, Female,
White/Caucasian, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
514200324050
Responses:
So I guess you never noticed a white person being loud and
disruptive in the movies? Well, I sure have. When are people going to
realize that race has nothing to do with loud and disruptive
behavior? It's prevalent throughout American society. There are loud
and disruptive people, period, and being a certain race has nothing
to do with it.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Been There, Newport News, VA, United States, 54, Female,
Black/African American, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
5222003101446
I would have to agree with Natasha on that one. Most of the times
when I went out to see a movie, the ones who blurted out loud,
unnecessary comments, laughed out loud or who made some other
obnoxious sounds were black. Even before the movie started and the
seats were starting to fill up, you could tell the people who were
entering the theater were black because you heard their big, loud
mouths. I would think to myself, 'Uh-oh, I heard some blacks coming.'
I know loud people come in all races, but blacks seem to stand out
the most. They are inconsiderate of others and their rights. After
all, we pay our money to be entertained and enjoy the movie. I know I
will catch a lot of flak for this from others, but that is my honest
opinion.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Moni, Ft.Myers, FL, United States, Female, Mesg ID 522200373300
First off, I think it's ignorant of you to hold an entire race
resposible for your not being able to hear the punchline of a joke in
a movie theater. It's not a matter of race, rather how one was
raised. I have been in a movie theater and not been able to hear
because some white boys were yelling stupid stuff. Obviously they had
no respect for the other people in the movie theater. So hun, don't
be so quick to stereotype - this is why we have prejudice and racism
running rampant today.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Wendy, Lansing, MI, United States, 17, Female, Black/African
American, student, High School Diploma, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
523200322825
I don't think its fair to say that all of us are disruptive at the
movie theater. I have had problems with blacks and whites at the
theaters. If you go to theaters where people have no respect for each
other, you will never enjoy the movie, regardless of the race of the
moviegoers. I can't tell you the number of people I cussed out
because of their cell phones going off during Matrix 2. I actually
have to go to theaters in the suburbs so I can at least hear the
movie.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Trina D., Chicago, IL, United States, 27, Female, Black/African
American, Network Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class,
Mesg ID 523200373243
I get so tired of people generalizing about black people because
of their experience with a few black people. This is not a racial
thing; I see all kinds of people talking loud and disrupting others
at the movie theater.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Jezebel, Austin, TX, United States, 24, Female, Black/African
American, Exotic Dancer, 4 Years of College, Upper class, Mesg ID
526200373116
As a black person who does not think it is OK to be loud at the
movies, I think your question should be why are POOR black people
loud. Sometimes people who feel powerless assert themselves in a
disruptive manner in order to feel more powerful. Poor white people
don't have such a great reputation, either.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Rachel, Boston, MA, United States, <minoritysig@attbi.com>,
35, Female, Wiccan, Black/African American, Straight, Bookkeeper, 4
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 61200354506
Do you honestly think that ALL black people think it is OK to be
loud and disruptive at the movie theater? Do you honestly think that
black people are the only people who are loud and disruptive at movie
theaters? Lack of consideration and poor manners do not have a race.
However, age, education and social factors do occasionally come into
play.
POSTED 6/11/2003
T-D., Los Angeles, CA, United States, 34, Female, Mesg ID
62200382831
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Question:
I am going through the process of coming out, and because I am
in my late 20s it is probably easier for me than many others who are
forced to in their adolescent years. I am comfortable with my
sexuality and wear a small pride necklace every day to my job in
community teen programming. I'm worried about how to respond to a
parent who may have a problem with me being gay and 'exposing their
child to immorality.' While I do not discuss or promote my sexuality
with teens, much less anybody at work, it is part of who I am, and I
feel an obligation as a very feminine gay woman to show that we do
not all 'look gay.' How should I defend myself against a homophobic
parent?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Shannon, Glendale, CA, United States, 29, Female, Humanist,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Community Services Specialist- Teen
Programs, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 514200334431
Responses:
When I started my current job I was already out. One of my
coworkers confronted me shortly after I was hired. She looked at me
and said: 'I don't like gays and I think it is morally wrong and a
sickness. I don't want you around my children.' All I did was give
her an icy glare, a scowl and the silent treatment. From that point
on it was business only with her. When I became her supervisor, I
took her into my office and flatly stated that any comments made
about my or anyone else's sexual orientation would result in
immediate disciplinary action as outlined under the laws of the State
of California. Hopefully, like California, all states will soon make
discrimination based on sexual orientation illegal. Until then, an
icy glare, a scowl and walking away with no comment will say it all.
There is no need to defend your sexuality to anyone.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Mike, Santa Cruz, CA, United States, 42, Male, Humanist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 5222003105034
I know you want to learn about how to defend yourself against a
homophobe parent. You mentioned how you want to show that not all of
you look gay. So if you don't look it and can pass for being
straight, why would you want to risk a bunch of strife and conflict
because you feel a need to tell others about your sexual preference?
I mean, you know that most parents would be highly suspicious if a
known homosexual were around their kids, so why risk the potential
drama if you can avoid it, especially if you have an advantage of
posing as straight? I feel if you are gay, why tell the whole damn
world? Why subject yourself to scorn when you can keep it a secret?
It's not like it's anyone business or right to know. Just keep it to
yourself. I know I sound unsympathetic, but I feel as though many
homosexuals bring things on themselves by being too open about their
sexuality, and then they get pissed off beyond piss off-tivity when
others don't accept. What do you expect? You could have saved
yourself from a lot of scorn, rejection and ridicule if you'd just
kept that fact to yourself. I'm not saying you can't be proud about
who you are, but I don't feel you have to broadcast the fact that
you're gay or a lesbian in order to be proud of who you are. You can
be proud in the silence. I think some think if you're closeted, then
you're ashamed. Not true. And to those out there who would be
outraged at what I'm saying: I'm just saying keep it to yourself but
be proud. Don't accuse me of being a homophobe, because that's not
what I'm saying. Are we clear?
POSTED 6/11/2003
Moni, Ft. Myers, FL, United States, Mesg ID 522200380327
I don't have a great answer for that, but my first question to a
parent who might broach that question is: How am I exposing your
child to immorality? You mention that you work in teen programming,
and I am working on the assumption that you don't openly, without
provocation, tell every teen you come across your sexual orientation,
with all the details. Sure, you are open about your sexuality, but so
is everyone else. What I am saying is, unless you are pushing your
views on everyone who enters the door, rather than letting the
opportunity to discuss sexual orientation rise from the teens you are
helping, then how could what you are doing be defined as 'exposing
them'? You are acting as a role model for those teens who feel that
they might be homosexual, and need someone to counsel them through
it. Teens will be 'exposed' to homosexuality everywhere - and
sometimes that exposure will certainly be unpleasant, stereotypical
or derogatory. Sometimes it will be in-your-face. What you are doing
is letting them know that homosexuality is not the most important
thing about you, presumably, but it is a part of you, and a good
part, too.
POSTED 6/11/2003
beautifulstars, St. John's, NA, Canada, Mesg ID 64200394138
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Question:
Why is it that black men frequently wear the most
ridiculous-looking suits? Bright colors like pink, white and red,
with matching hats? Just curious.
POSTED 5/22/2003
F., Baltimore, MD, United States, Mesg ID 514200373833
Responses:
I live in New York and am around black men all the time, and
sorry, but I don't see the brightly colored ridiculous-looking suits
you claim to see. I do see black men, particularly those in
higher-level positions and who work on Wall Street, dressed in
business suits. The younger hip-hop crowd wears FUBU or Sean Jean or
Tommy Hilfiger.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Rhonda P. Outlaw, Laurelton, NY, United States,
<Rhonda_Outlaw@ars.aon.com>, 41, Female, Lutheran,
Black/African American, Straight, Account Representative, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 5222003104335
Who are the black people you see who wear these outrageous suits,
as you call them? Unless they're going to church or dressing up for a
special occasion, you don't see too many blacks wearing a suit, let
alone 'loud' ones. Most men I see wear conservative colored suits,
and that includes black men. It seems to me that whites always think
the world should conform to what they view as normal, and anything
outside that is weird or even questioned. Get a grip!
POSTED 6/11/2003
Moni, Ft. Myers, FL, United States, Mesg ID 5222003110051
I've often wondered that myself. Maybe it has to do with trying to
outdo one another: who is the best dressed, who is the most
flamboyant, who can catch the most attention. Or maybe they simply
don't realize that those types of outfits are not socially accepted
outside of the black community (sometimes not even inside the black
community). It is my belief that certain styles simply do not look
good on everybody; just because a particular style is sold at the
local clothing store does not mean it looks good on you or is
appropriate for business or other types of social situations. This
applies to halter tops, short shorts or skirts, skin-tight pants or
whatever. Colors like hot pink or bright red look ridiculous on men,
no matter who they are.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Chandra, Detroit, MI, United States, 26, Female, Jehovahs Witness,
Black/African American, Straight, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 5292003104058
Why do you consider a white outfit with a matching hat to be
ridiculous?
POSTED 6/11/2003
Jackki, Louisville, KY, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Nurse, Mesg ID 530200363642
Here are a few answers:
Bright colors offset a dark skin color, so we feel less
self-conscious wearing them;
You might think the color is 'ridiculous,' but are you right? At
the moment, wearing neutral or dark colors is a norm among the white,
European-based culture of the majority in the United States and
United Kingdom. Is it the norm among black people? If one's peers
dress in bright colors, then one is going to feel compfortable
wearing them.
Living in a white-oriented world, many black men don't fit in,
anyway, so why conform to dress codes set up by people who do not
accept you even when you do conform?
A person who stands out from the crowd often attracts a certain
kind of respect as well as ridicule. So when a black man wants to
make an impact, whether in business, romance or whatever, he will
often do it through his clothes.
Bright colors worn on special occasions are a long-standing part
of African culture, and the wearing of them by African Americans and
African-Caribbeans has survived beyond slavery as a remnant of this.
Other minorities, numerically or politically, also seem to stand
out. White heterosexual women tend to wear brighter colors than white
heterosexual men; some gay men display a flambouyant dress sense, and
so on.
Thanks for asking.
POSTED 6/11/2003
David, London, NA, United Kingdom, <lesnids3@lineone.net>,
46, Male, Christian, Black/English, Straight, Business Consultant, 2
Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 612003100822
I've noticed this myself! When I see it, I just shake my head. Of
course, there are plenty of black men who dress in what society would
call a normal way. In my opinion, it may be a socio-economic thing. I
can't say I know any middle- or upper-class folks who dress this way,
just as I don't know any middle- or upper-class white folks who dress
'Goth' or 'punk'. You also should remember that what looks ridiculous
to you might look perfectly fine to someone else. Just because we
don't like it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Finesse, Pittsburgh, PA, United States, 30, Female, Black,
Straight, Mesg ID 632003120949
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Question:
As a gay man, it seems to me that our society is obsessed with
'lesbianisnm' (just check out the "Girls Gone Wild" videos). So why
is it so dangerous for two guys to do the same thing? What is it
about two guys that you straight people find so offensive?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Bill, Ft. Dodge, IA, United States, 30, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, waiter, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 5162003115022
Responses:
There are two main categories of people who object to
homosexuality. The first is the moralists who believe that because of
religion or nature or whatever, homosexuality is simply wrong. I
doubt this first group would endorse homosexual women any more than
homosexual men (at least not in public). The other category is those
who regard the world as a playground for their own personal
titillation. For a man in this category, the idea of two women
together is attractive because it evokes a fantasy involving him (the
truth, that they would be an unwelcome interloper, would be a real
joy-killer). Of course, if these men don't find the lesbians
attractive, their obsession evaporates quickly. The heterosexual
women who accept lesbianism do so because it turns their man on, and
that makes them happy. It has nothing to do with acceptance of
lesbianism, and everything to do with satisfying - and keeping -
their mate. Male homosexual sex doesn't do anything for heterosexual
men, and heterosexual women are smart enough to know that they would
be an unwelcome participant, so it has no benefits for either
heterosexual gender, therefore it is still anathema. By the way, this
whole issue p***es me off no end. But what can you do - times will
change.
POSTED 6/11/2003
James D., Summit, NJ, United States,
<james_witted@hotmail.com>, 46, Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Gay, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 522200394203
I don't really agree with you that being a lesbian is seen as OK.
I agree that straight men like the idea of watching two women having
sex, but they like the idea of the women performing for the
entertainment of the man watching. Straight men don't understand if
you say to them that having a man in the background would completely
take away the meaning of the experience. So, the women who are
considered OK, in this context, are bisexual women who are more
straight than lesbian. Think of it this way: I know this is a very
unlikely situation, but if two men had sex for the entertainment of a
straight woman in the background, would they be gay? Would you want
to be seen as the same as them? (As a matter of interest, I think
lesbians and gay men should be allies.)
POSTED 6/11/2003
Barbara, Sydney, NA, Australia, 26, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Middle class, Mesg ID 5232003101003
It is unfair and a bit bigoted to assume all of us are offended or
uncomfortable with the idea of male/male relationships. I don't give
it a thought one way or another. A person is very fortunate to
develop a mutually loving relationship with another person, whether
that person be of the same gender or of the other. I do know that
there are some heterosexuals who are uncomfortable with same-sex
relationships because of religious beliefs and social taboos, but
lesbian relationships have been eroticized by straight men who love
the idea of 'the more the merrier,' so to speak. Most women do not
get turned on by two men together, so no eroticization of this takes
place in mainstream culture.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Tracy, Oklahoma City, OK, United States, Mesg ID 523200314024
The obsession with 'lesbianism' has nothing to do with true
acceptance of gay women. As a matter of fact, it shows the extreme
sexism still in existence in our culture. Why? Because the whole
fantasy going on in men's mind with it is basically that they think
they, in all their masculinity or whatever, can get the woman to
convert to them sexually. I think if a woman was gay for real, she
would encounter prejudice similar to gay men (although maybe not as
intense). I mean, look at all the controversey surrounding the
'Ellen' series, for example. As far as gay men being discriminated
against so much, I think it is because of fear, mainly from religion.
Remember, America was founded as a so-called 'Christian' nation, and
Christianity condemns homosexuality. In addition, gayness goes
against what is the 'norm.' Often it's the mentality of many to be
afraid of people or things they don't find familiar.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States, 22, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, Transcriber, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 5242003105013
Much of the porn industry is dominated by heterosexual men, many
of whom fantasize about threesomes. Often, a heterosexual male's
concept of a threesome equals two girls all over one guy. When these
guys see two girls together, they mentally put themselves between the
two girls. However, this is of course a very general statement (and
for all you guys with this fantasy, I warn you that the girls are
much more likely to be all over each other and leave you out).
Another reason (again having to do with the dominating party of the
porn industry) is that heterosexual men do not often fantasize about
other men - they fantasize about women. Adding another woman to the
visualization is just an added bonus.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Jessica, Huntsville, TX, United States, 23, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 526200393432
Simple. Heterosexual guys like good-looking women. And the idea of
two good-looking women is considered twice the fun by many guys. The
idea that straight guys do not want to look at two guys 'getting it
on,' so to speak, should not come as a surprise. It's simple human
nature for straight people to enjoy looking at the opposite sex. The
same way gay people claim it's human nature for them to look at the
same sex. But getting more to the point, the fact is we live in a
male-dominated society. And straight males are still considered to be
the majority. Therefore the entertainment industry, and society in
general, is going to be geared toward the majority. If we lived in a
gay-dominated society, things would be very different. I'm sure we
wouldn't be seeing as much of the 'Girls Gone Wild' videos you
mentioned.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Taz, Detroit, MI, United States, Male, Straight, Mesg ID
529200391643
Men are physically stronger than women, and are also genetically
more violent. I guess a man might fear homosexual men because they
fear the potential of homosexual rape. I have known many gay men, and
most seemed very 'normal' people (apart from non-standard sexual
orientation, of course!). There is probably the same incidence of
'bad apples' in the gay community as in the straight.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Sean H., London, NA, United Kingdom, 39, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Geologist, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 530200383529
My gay friends had a theory when I posed the question to them
years ago: Heterosexual men can obsess with lesbians because of the
fantasy to be with two women at the same time. They can visualize
themselves in the bedroom with the two women. I guess the fact that
true lesbians (as opposed to bisexual women) wouldn't welcome them
escapes the majority of men. Also, a lot of so-called 'lesbian porn'
is actually geared toward heterosexual men. It plays on the fantasies
of such men. I feel that people should feel safe to do whatever comes
natural to them. I believe that anyone who tries to hinder this
should go live in some other non-democratic country.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Anne, Madison, WI, United States, 32, Female, Middle class, Mesg
ID 652003120850
I think it is because most women are comfortable with the fact
that they are at least curious about same-gender sex, while
'straight' men are extremely uncomfortable with expressing any
curiosity at all. Men are supposed to be 'manly,' and there is
something gentle about being with another man. They feel they would
no longer be considered 'strong' or masculine because they would be
assuming a woman's 'role'.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Danielle, Houston, TX, United States, 38, Female, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, business owner, 2 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 65200393532
Actually, as far as women go, we're fine with gay guys kissing. If
I see a gay couple at the grocery store, I think it's cute. Men, on
the other hand, have the problem with you guys. It's probably because
you represent what they're most afraid of being: gay.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Christina, Long Beach, CA, United States, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Mesg ID 68200334120
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Question:
I am a social worker and want to know what people think of
people in the profession. I am a conservative white female. However,
because I am a social worker, people tend to think I must be a
'bleeding heart liberal' because I work with people who are less
fortunate or have mental health problems. Also, is there a stereotype
of women in this profession as being 'dowdy' as compared to women in
other professions, for example, in the business field? I am asking
because I recently retired and am seeking a career change, and I do
not know whether the employers I've sent resumes to are not
considering me because of stereotypes about me or because of my
qualifications.
POSTED 5/11/2003
Linda C., Ann Arbor, MI, United States, 55, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Social worker, Over 4 Years of College,
Mesg ID 59200315120
Responses:
Hmmm. Interesting
question. I would never have thought of social workers as being dowdy
any moreso than anyone else, and don't attribute it to any
profession. I would think that most people don't really realize when
they have come into contact with a social worker. The connotation is
that they are all beleagured, overworked, underpaid government
workers steeped in bureaucracy and protocols per TV and movies. The
truth is social workers exist in some fashion in about all fields.
There are the social workers who work with the school system,
designing programs to help children learn. In the business world, EAP
counselors assist workers with all sorts of issues. There is even a
bit of social work in practically every facet of our everyday lives.
Aren't some of the the most prevailing assets and talents of a social
worker empathy and reaching out to people, providing insight? I could
see a social worker in almost any field; they would be very useful
in, say, human resources, matching the 'right' skill set and
'emotional' skills with the 'right' job. Or in marketing, banking,
medical etc.
POSTED 5/22/2003
Serene, Chandler, AZ,
United States, 44, Female, Black/African American, Self-Contractor, 2
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 513200334355
I used to work in a
department of social services in Virginia, and found all the social
workers who I worked with to be wonderful people - basically
compassionate and caring. None of them were dowdy. Most were quite
attractive and interesting. I think the reason you are not getting
too many responses to your applications is your age. I'm sure you are
not listing your DOB, but a prospective employer will be able to tell
you are older because of the graduation dates you list, or just due
to the length of experience. It's tough to switch careers at this
age. I changed my career in my 40s, and it took me a long time to
land a decent job. Hang in there. Persistence will pay off.
POSTED 5/22/2003
Annie, Lawrenceville,
GA, United States, 51, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian, Straight,
copy editor, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
5132003125028
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Question:
Why do a large number of Asians of non-Indian and non-Arabic
origins have minimal body hair? Also, do Asian women of these origins
shave their legs?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Kristina, Washington, DC, United States, 22, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Transciber, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 516200341144
Responses:
Asians tend to have less body hair due to genes. Asians in
general have less hair. To answer your question as to whether Asian
women shave their legs, it would depend on where she was raised.
Asian women, like myself, who were brought up in the West would
probably shave their legs (and armpits) or get them waxed, etc. Those
who are immigrants, especially older women, are less likely to do so.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Cyn, Toronto, NA, Canada, 23, Female, Asian, Straight, Graduate
Student, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
522200343126
I am asian, and yes, people do shave their legs here. I don't know
if women here are less hairy, but I have noticed that Caucasian guys
tend to have more chest hair than the average Filipino guy. I think
this is a matter of physical racial difference, and I think it is
evolutionary in nature. Since the earliest ancestors of the
Caucasians live in colder places, they need extra 'hair' to make
themselves warm. Over the years, we have less hair than Caucasians.
It's like asking, why do Americans have high nose bridges and
Filipinos don't? It's all about evolving and adapting to our
environment.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Steffie, Manila, NA, philippines, <unorthodoxie@yahoo.com>,
23, Female, Catholic, Asian, Straight, medical student, Over 4 Years
of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 5242003101439
It's an ethnic trait. And speaking for myself, I do shave my legs,
because I have a rather fair complexion (my legs moreso), and darker
hair shows up on it very easily. Though through personal preference,
I'm pretty lax on it until it comes time to wear shorts regularly.
POSTED 6/11/2003
Sarah C., San Francisco area, CA, United States, 25, Female,
Asian, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
610200343708
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Question:
Why is it that so many whites love black comedians like Eddie
Murphy and Dave Chapelle, despite the fact that much of their
stand-up routines addresse how racist whites are to blacks?
POSTED 5/22/2003
Jarrett, Chicago, IL, United States, 21, Male, Black/African
American, Straight, Student, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 5192003120954
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Question:
Why is it that men seem to hate asking for directions even if
it is very clear they are lost?
POSTED 5/11/2003
Krista H., Lapeer, MI, United States, 28, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, student, Over 4 Years of College, Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 510200330409
Responses:
I believe the reason men don't ask for directions is pride. Men
feel like they have to lead, have everything under control and show
no display of any incompetencies. So they feel as though asking for
help is a blow to their egos. All it is is their male egos.
POSTED 5/19/2003
Moni, Ft. Myers, FL, United States, Female, Mesg ID 514200355743
I may be the gayest man ever, but I'll tell you one thing: I don't
like to ask for directions. For one, it makes me look like I don't
know where I'm going (in my mind, stupid). Also, men like being in
charge of situations, and to ask someone for help is a sign of
weakness. That's why whenever I go to a city that is unfamiliar to
me, I always make sure I have the most detailed map possible. Always
have a current map with you!
POSTED 5/19/2003
Bill, Ft. Dodge, IA, United States, 30, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, waiter, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 5162003112701
I believe that by asking directions a man is admitting he is not
in control. I know that for many men, not being in control is the
same as saying 'victimize me.' I know that many men are taught by
society that because they are men, they need to be in control. I
think this is the same reason many men resist calling a repair person
to fix a problem that they can't fix. They don't want to admit they
can't fix it.
POSTED 5/19/2003
David, Tokyo, NA, Japan, Male, White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 5182003114011
Long story short: if you have enough time, fuel and a cell phone,
don't be averse to a little exploring. If you are in a developed
country, the likelihood of becoming permanently lost and eaten by
wolves is very low. Here are a few reasons why exploring is a good
idea:
1) Being 'lost' is part of the experience of learning your way
around a new area. If you don't take advantage of the learning
opportunity then you will just get lost the next time you come to the
same place. It is an investment in the future to learn about a new
place. Who knows, you might find something cool.
2) Women seem to assume that any random person at a gas station
will know the area and be able to give good directions. In reality,
many gas station attendants give lousy directions because they never
go anywhere besides the gas station. Pumping gas doesn't make
somebody a cartographer.
3) The more you try to coerce us, the more we will refuse. The
issue of resisting asking for directions may be part of a pattern in
which the man feels that the woman belittles his abilities or
opinions.
POSTED 5/22/2003
Edward, Nashville, TN, United States, 36, Male, Mesg ID
5192003125248
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Question:
What are some common stereotypes about women?
POSTED 5/11/2003
Jennifer, New York, NY, United States, Female, Mesg ID
511200372219
Responses:
The only comments I hear consistently about women are those about
their driving skills (and women who put on makeup while driving don't
help). One of my buddies jokes that whenever he's on the road and
encounters a female with poor driving skills: 'Women drivers...no
survivors.' Personally, I see no difference overall in the way men
and women drive.
POSTED 5/19/2003
T.C., Phoenix, AZ, United States, 35, Male, White/Caucasian, Gay,
Web Developer, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
5192003113210
Generally, or specifically? Here are several: Women are, in
essence, 'the weaker sex,' and for most of these stereotypes, the
opposite applies to men, and is a 'positive' stereotype. Woman is
always the virgin, the slut or succubus. Women who love sex are
'sluts,' men who love sex are normal (although I think this double
standard has gotten less prevalent since the '60s). Girls aren't as
good at math or science, and don't have analytical brains. Women are
weak and ineffective leaders. Women get hysterical. Women are not
career-oriented. All (normal) women must want children, and women who
aren't motherly are ostracized and seen as deviant. (Example: the
birth mother of Michael Jackson's children is always asked why she's
abandoned her children, when in reality, she repeatedly says she was
just the surrogate for him.) Women are dependent, controlling and
demanding of their partners. Women are fickle. All women are obsessed
with their weight. Women talk too much. Women don't speak their mind
(or 'don't have a thought in their heads.') Women lose their minds
when they get their period. Women lie about their age. Women love to
shop. I could go on and on. Some stereotypes have their basis in
fact, but to generalize all women as being such is harmful and
limiting.
POSTED 5/22/2003
Stephanie, Norman, OK, United States, <steph@asteph.com>,
23, Female, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Student, Over 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 5222003123255
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