Best of the Week
of June, 13, 1999
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of June 13, 1999, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from
previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our new database using
our search form, or, in the case of
answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
Why do women talk so much more than men?
POSTED 5/10/99
Don J., cleburne, TX, United States, <cougar@hpnc.com> , Male,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Sales, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
5899100748
Responses:
I find it interesting how many people still believe this
stereotype. There is an article by linguist Dale Spender ("The
Writing or the Sex: Why you don't have to read women's writing to
know it's no good") in which she studied the misconception of the
talkative woman. This was not the original purpose of her work, but
her research showed a large descrepancy of equal talk time in
conversations between male and female colleagues of equal position.
None of the women spoke for more than 42 percent of the conversation,
and in the groups where the women spoke for more than 38 percent, the
men felt they had not had a fair share of the conversation. I would
hardly say speaking for less than half of a conversation makes a
woman "talkative," but then, isn't it all about our perceptions?
POSTED 6/18/99
Nicole, Arlington, TX, United States, <spazdog30@msn.com> , 25,
Female, White/Caucasian, Student/substitute teacher, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 5309933814
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Are there Jews who have converted to other religions?
POSTED 2/18/99
Joe C., Fremont, CA, United States, 32, Male, Asian, Mesg ID
21899115025
Responses:
I'm surprised more people did not respond to this question. Yes,
Jewish people do convert to other faiths and belief systems. I chose
to believe in Christianity (acceptance of Jesus Christ as Lord and
Savior). To me, Judaism is a dead "faith" and hypocritical, and
Christianity offered the only logical answers to my questions. My
conversion took place after 28 years of Jewish belief.
POSTED 6/18/99
Al, Ottawa, Ontario, NA, Canada, 49, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Audio engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 6189945957
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I just moved to a city with a large gay/lesbian community. I've
noticed that there seems to be a disproportionately large amount of
lesbians who are physically "stocky" compared to the female
population as a whole. Why is this? Is this seen as a desirable,
attractive trait among lesbians?
POSTED 6/17/99
Dan, Denver, CO, United States, Male, Unitarian, Straight,
Professional, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
6129913747
Responses:
I found your question odd in that you assume a woman can choose
her physical proportions. Some lesbians are stockier, and while some
other lesbians find this build attractive, some find femininity
attractive and others find androgenous women attractive. My point is
that I would bet some of your category of "female populations as a
whole" are lesbians, but because they don't fit the stereotype you
are aware of, you don't recognize them as being lesbians. I am a
lesbian and slightly stocky (I'd describe myself as athletic). I
blend in just fine with the "female population" up to formal wear
(where I stick out and am obviously not built to wear a formal). I
certainly wouldn't choose this form of dress, but as I sometimes have
events where this attire is required, I can't change it, either. I
have very good dietary and exercise habits that keep me fit, but I am
built the way I am built.
POSTED 6/18/99
M.G., Portland, OR, United States, 27, Female, White/Caucasian,
Lesbian, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 6179952721
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
When I told a black friend I hardly ever see any black people hiking,
camping or out in the mountains in general, he replied "Black people
aren't trained to waste time." What does he mean by this?
POSTED 6/11/99
Phil R., Aurora, CO, United States, <prouse@icxintl.com> , 32,
Male, none, White/Caucasian, Straight, Senior Technician
(Electronics), Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
679935500
Responses:
First, your friend may have been being sarcastic with you.
However, his remark has a kernel of truth in it. If you're poor,
you're more interested in keeping a roof over your head than
recreational activities. The reason that you may not see many black
people participating in these activities is that blacks are a
minority group and only a percentage will have the money or
inclination to participate in these activities.
POSTED 6/17/99
Rain, Dallas, TX, United States, 44, Female, Methodist, Black/African
American, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
61599120346
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do many older women drench themselves in perfume? Does a woman's
sense of smell diminish as she grows older, making her compensate by
adding more perfume?
POSTED 6/14/99
Mike L., Denver, CO, United States, Male, Mesg ID 689924859
Responses:
I am a recent graduate with a degree in psychology. My focus was
on the functions of the brain, including the senses. As we age, cells
die. This includes the proteins that we need to perceive odors. (This
becomes a safety issue because many older people cannot smell the
chemical added to gas for us to be able to detect gas leaks.) Without
the proteins, there is less ability to perceive odor. Most older
women do not realize how strong their perfume is. They simply put on
enough for them to be able to smell it.
POSTED 6/16/99
Leah, Seattle, WA, United States, 27, Female, White/Caucasian, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 61599100419
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I have heard several Jehovah's Witnesses state that wearing a cross
(necklace) while in their presence offends them. Is this a personal
thing, or part of their religion?
POSTED 6/14/99
Amanda, Saratoga, CA, United States, 28, Female, Mesg ID
6119961952
Responses:
They believe that Jesus died on a stake, not a cross; hence the
cross on a necklace is seen as a false idol.
POSTED 6/16/99
Mark S., Colchester, CT, United States, 20, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 6159934639
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I've noticed more and more that discussing whether you are straight
or gay/lesbian with others has become an absolutely normal thing,
something mainstream. To me, it seems fitting to ask if you're male
or female, young or old, in high school or college, Protestant or
Catholic, and even your income and social status, which are natural
and normal, everyday things. But if it's OK to ask if a person is
gay/lesbian in sexual orientation, then you also have to include
hermaphrodites and transsexuals in gender, and pedophiles and
zoofiliacs in sexual orientation; otherwise it's unfair to those
extreme groups. What has led the gay movement to become so powerful
and influential and so near the goal of becoming as accepted as male
and female, young and old, educated and uneducated, Protestant and
Catholic, etc.?
POSTED 6/10/99
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 29, Male, Catholic, White/Latino,
Lawyer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
6109922946
Responses:
The way in which homosexuality was declared normal was by a vote
of professional psychiatrists in 1972, I believe. Presumably,
pederastry could also be declared normative via a vote. Part of the
reason this sort of behavior has become accepted lies in the
increasing reluctance of more and more Americans to say forthrightly
"this is wrong" and "that is right." To do so is to invite charges of
intolerance, homophobia, mean-spiritedness, etc.
POSTED 6/14/99
Normand O. L., Alameda, CA, United States, <nlariviere> , 50,
Male, Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Mechanic, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 6149913804
They didn't take a simple vote. In 1973, the American Psychiatric
Association declared it was not a mental illness after 35 years of
research that found that "Homosexuality per se implies no impairment
in judgment, stability, reliability or general social and vocational
capabilities." The American Psychological Association agreed in 1975.
Recently the American Psychological Association has been accused by
Dr. Laura and others for supporting child sexual abuse. The APA came
out with an official statement to the contrary. But Dr. Laura
continued to broadcast, falsely claiming the APA is considering not
classifying child molestation as a mental illness, and obviously,
there are a couple of people willing to believe anything they hear.
It is a feeble attempt to dehumanize gays and lesbians, and to group
them with child molesters. The APA has since taken legal
cease-and-desist action for slander against the talk show host. I
suggest that if you are going to make the insulting claims that you
are, Normand, that you take the time to research what you are being
told, and to back it up with fact.
POSTED 6/15/99
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, <cmorris@loft.org> , 35,
Male, Gay, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 6159923603
I think that comparing homosexuality with people who abuse or want
to abuse children is totally wrong. Being homosexual is perfectly
natural and has nothing to do with harming people or animals. It is
perfectly normal and proper not to accept pedophiles, as they do get
pleasure from causing pain and suffering.
POSTED 6/16/99
B.B., Leith, NA, United Kingdom, 24, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 6169965102
The gay movement didn't become so powerful and influential by
itself. Gay people have become open and honest about who they are and
have educated more people around them. It's hard to make a powerful
statement by yourself. But, we're not by ourselves anymore. We're
becoming more accepted because we're coming out and saying who we
are. People who didn't know gays before are finding out that they've
always known us. We're their family members and friends; and they're
finding out that it's no longer a secrete topic. It's as normal as
man and woman.
POSTED 6/16/99
Patrick S., Dallas, TX, United States,
<PatrickSenkel1@CompuServe.COM> , 24, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Programmer, 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 6109994001
Perhaps you have trouble differentiating between a man and a woman
having a loving, sexual relationship, and a man who rapes women,
molests little girls, females dogs, a female corpse, etc. Most of the
world seems to understand the difference between consenting and
non-consenting relationships, though, and have taken the time to find
out that heterosexuals and homosexuals aren't all that different.
POSTED 6/16/99
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, <cmorris@loft.org> , 35,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
61599124748
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I moved to Denver about a year ago. I've noticed that as the weather
gets colder and snowier, many people dress like it's still summer.
It's as if people are thinking "Hey, it's snowing out - break out the
shorts and polar fleece!" I've lived in cities with much colder
climates and have never seen anyone wear shorts outside when it's
snowing and freezing - however, it's common in Denver, Boulder and
Fort Collins. Sidewalk cafes in Boulder and Fort Collins are packed
when it's only 40 or 45 degrees outside. Is this a fashion trend
among the many "outdoorsy" people who live in the Front Range area,
sending out a message that apparently says "The cold doesn't bother
me"?
POSTED 6/14/99
Dan, Denver, CO, United States, 33, Male, Unitarian, Straight,
Professional, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
6129914957
Responses:
You may or may not have heard the expression "hardening," which
is what you do to yourself, supposedly, by exposure to cold weather;
you build up a tolerance. I live on the Western Slope, half a mile
higher and a whole lot colder than you, and newcomers here are
advised to "harden" ASAP; it's too uncomfortable to spend 8 months of
a year in a heavy coat (and 2 more in sweaters and light coats). It
does seem to work; those who harden rarely complain about cold after
the first year (and I haven't been uncomfortable since my first year
here, winter of 94-95). You can push it too far, of course -
frostbite is too far. I know one doctor who claims you actually get a
faster metabolism and more capillaries close to the skin surface by
hardening, but I doubt that. Also, at least here on the Western
Slope, thin dry air is a great insulator, and consequently 50 degrees
really is shirtsleeve weather if there's no wind.
POSTED 6/15/99
John B., Rural area, CO, United States, 42, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, College professor, Over 4 Years of College
, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 6159915741
First of all, with the dryer climate in Colorado, you don't feel
the temperature as much. It's not as humid, so when it gets cold, you
really don't notice for a while. Second, Colorado has this weird
habit of snowing and then getting really warm. There can be several
inches of snow on the ground but it will be 60 degrees or warmer
outside. "Four seasons in a day," as natives like to say.
POSTED 6/16/99
Brian, Highlands Ranch, CO, United States, 20, Male, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, College Student, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 6169942747
I live way up in the mountians, in Steamboat Springs, where it is
much colder, and when you live in cold areas like Colorado, you get
used to the cold. Another plus is that the area is a dry climate,
which hardly bothers me when it is cold and not blowing. In fact, I
love wearing shorts or tank tops whenever I can, because it can get
tiring when I wear pants or long-sleeve shirts and even jackets (any
kind) for a long time. So I wear it whenever I can. Like John B.
said, wearing layers and layers of clothes can be cumbersome. You
really get used to it, and you'll learn how to not mind the cold so
much.
POSTED 6/16/99
E. Henry, Steamboat Springs, CO, United States, 18, Female,
White/Caucasian, High School Diploma, Mesg ID 61699121413
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Do parents of children 20 or younger realize how miserably they have
failed in their duty to discipline and acculturate their children,
and don't they realize they are creating a danger to society?
POSTED 5/3/99
Mark S., Houston, TX, United States, <mseely@wt.net> , 30,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 4289931526
Responses:
There always have been and always will be poor parents. But why
now are there seemingly more poor parents than before? Society as a
whole and the government are to blame. Of late, people have been
pushing that spanking and discipline is bad and harmful to children.
However, these are the same people who were spanked when they were
younger, and if you ask them they turned out OK. It is a hypocritical
stance to take and one that is leading to the absence of discipline
in the home. Add to that the push to involve the government in family
situations at the slightest hint or even thought of something going
wrong, and it only compounds matters. Children are taught that if
they are ever spanked or hit in any way (and I am not talking about
abuse that would leave marks) to call the police. Parents are
literally caught in a Catch-22. They are unable to discipline their
children because they fear the potential consequences of the law.
Then their children do something wrong and they get lambasted for not
being more strict. There is nothing wrong with some good,
old-fashioned discipline that includes spanking and the like that
many of us were accustomed to when we were growing up. By the way, I
am 24 and was disciplined as a child and have grown up respecting the
people around me as well as moderating my actions to conform pretty
well with established rules and law. Further, I still love my parents
and do not resent them for punishing me when I needed to be
punished.
POSTED 6/14/99
Patrick H., Colorado Springs, CO, United States,
<pah4@hotmail.com> , 24, Male, Episcopalian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Space Systems Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 679925315
While I admit that many parents seem more lax today in the
discipline of their children than previous generations, I'm quite
wary of saying it is the major cause of problems with today's youth.
As with all things, there is more than one cause. It's easy to point
fingers at parents (especially if you're not one) or a lack of
supervision and rigid discipline. The truth is, there are numerous
variables that affect how children turn out. I was spanked very
rarely as a child and turned out quite well. When I did something
wrong, I was told it was wrong and why. Spanking a kid doesn't tell
him/her anything other than "what you did was wrong." It doesn't give
a reason, and if they don't know why it's wrong, they're likely to do
it again because they don't understand the consequences of their
actions, other than they might get spanked (if they get caught). I'll
admit, I'm not a parent, so I haven't had first-hand experience, but
I would think that talking to children and explaining why they
shouldn't do what they're doing would be more effective than spanking
them and simply telling them "No!" I think it would also help a child
understand how his/her actions affect others and help them make
decisions based on that. Spanking only teaches children that there
are certain rules that should be obeyed because their parents say
so.
POSTED 6/16/99
Brian C., Highlands Ranch, CO, United States, 20, Male, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, College Student, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 6169944922
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do so many straight people think gays and lesbians are
promiscuous and will sleep with anyone breathing?
POSTED 6/5/99
Sex-less, Fort Worth, TX, United States, 45, Female, Pagan,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 6499114834
Responses:
Part of the reason may be that it's true for male homosexuals.
Male promiscuity figures prominently in AIDS studies. It is
impossible to look at the subject of AIDS and not admit that male
homosexuals are very promiscuous.
POSTED 6/8/99
Normand, Alameda, CA, United States, 50, Male, Christian, Straight,
Blue-collar worker, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
679925320
I love it when straight people talk about the gay community as if
they were experts. Yes, Mr. Married Straight Man, I'm sure you know
all about the gay community. The 700 Club is so educational on such
matters. Really, I think the promiscuity thing does come from our not
being able to get married. The other side of it, the
being-attracted-to-every-person-of your-gender-because-you're-queer
thing, I think comes from vanity: "Hey, wow, Kathryn is a lesbian.
I'm a woman. Surely she is attracted to me!" But at the heart of both
these mindsets is a simpler answer: Ignorance.
POSTED 6/14/99
Kathryn, Roanoke, VA, United States, 21, Female, Transcendental,
White/Caucasian, Big Ol' Dyke, Waitstaff, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 6149922320
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I live in a large family. Three of my siblings have come out (one
male and two females). All three were married with children and are
now divorced and have partners. My husband is getting nervous... Have
there been any studies that indicate any genetic link to sexual
orientation?
POSTED 6/14/99
Kim C., Minneapolis, MN, United States, 29, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Professional, Over 4 Years of College,
Upper class, Mesg ID 6149924331
Responses:
Despite what partisians on both side of the issue feel, there is,
as of today, no known genetic cause for homosexuality. Indications
are, in fact, that the early years to a large extent determine this
aspect of a person's individuality. In my opinion, an overbearing
mother, a receding/uncaring father, a failure for a young boy to
transfer his identity from his mother to his father all help to bring
about this condition. In addition, in today's culture, there is the
added permissiveness to explore.
POSTED 6/15/99
Normand O. L., Alameda, CA, United States, 50, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Mechanic, 2 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 61499114425
I used the Excite search engine to look up "Sexual Orientation,
Genetic" and came up with a ton of articles. Good place to start. As
far as the old canard about the cause being the absent
father/overbearing mother: Forget it. There is no "in fact" to
support it. If this were truly the cause of homosexuality, then our
numbers would far exceed the much bandied about 10 percent. I had a
strong father (military pilot) who was at home for the formative
years of my life, and yet I'm gay. He wasn't at home as much for my
two older brothers, and one of them is gay. Go figure. Yes, the
debate is still on as to the origins of homosexuality. Scientific
studies have been published that lean toward genetics as the root;
psychological studies have been definitive in the dubunking of the
"mommy" factor. Time, and continued genetic research, will eventually
tell. I hope I'm around to hear the answer that I'm already pretty
sure of.
POSTED 6/16/99
Mark B., Dallas, TX, United States, <markmark@airmail.net> ,
38, Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Financial Analyst, 2 Years
of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 6159975529
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Where I live, the local Jewish community is trying to get permission
to construct an Eruv on city property. They say it will be a series
of poles embedded in the ground, with twine running from pole to
pole. According to them, this acts as a symbolic wall and an
extension of the home, thus allowing Jewish people to go places on
the Sabbath and to work on the Sabbath, as they will technically
still be in their home. Is it not blatantly and inherently wrong for
followers of a religion to look for loopholes in the rules and
commandments given to them by their God? They are basically saying,
"My God said I could not do this, yet I found a way I could figure
out how to get around that rule." It's not really any different than,
say, figuring out a way around stealing, murdering or any other
commandement. If you're going to choose to be a follower of a
religion or deity, shouldn't you do so without trying to circumvent
the rules?
POSTED 6/11/99
Dondi M., San Francisco, CA, United States, 27, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, System Administrator, Technical School ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 689934832
Responses:
I guess it depends on how you look at it. If you call it an
excuse for doing something that would otherwise be illegal, then it
could be called a loophole. The other view is that the eruv is a
means to specify the division between the permitted and the not
permitted. More than 1,000 years ago, the sages carefully evaluated
the letter of the law, which can be vague or confusing, and decided
what procedures would be used to abide by them. In this case, the
Torah (Bible) simply says that one should not work or do labor on
Shabbat. The sages came up with several dozen activities that
constitute labor or work; one of these (for example) is carrying. But
what is carrying? A blanket prohibition would disallow carrying a
plate of food from counter to table, or carrying a prayer book from
its place to a seat in the Synagogue. So, they said that carrying
within your immediate domain is permitted, carrying outside the
domain is not. The eruv marks the boundary. The people using it don't
see it as a loophole; they see it as a personalized law specifing
what they individually can and can't do.
POSTED 6/13/99
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 40, Male, Jewish, Engineer, Mesg ID
6139920603
First, an Eruv does not allow most types of work to be done. It
simply allows for carrying outside. This includes carrying a young
child and pushing a baby carriage. It isn't a loophole; it's actually
part of the law, the specifics of which can be found in the Talmud.
The Eruv allows only for carrying things that can be used on the
Sabbath in any case. Money still cannot be carried, cars cannot be
driven, etc. But small children can be brought outside, books can be
carried outside, etc. Because of the complexity of building an Eruv
because of getting necessary city permits (as seems to be happening
in your community), generally only communities with large observant
populations have an Eruv, and the size and scope can vary based on a
community. Basically, the law is that you can't carry unless you have
an Eruv, so this isn't a loophole.
POSTED 6/13/99
Shevi, Baltimore, MD, United States, 23, Female, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 6139944723
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease two years ago and sometimes
have trouble walking because of it. However, when my medication is
working well, there is almost no sign of the disease. Still, the
medication can wear off in the space of a few minutes. I am
considering getting a handicapped placard for my car, but am slightly
concerned I will get dirty looks and questions if I am in one of my
"on" periods and use the placard. If the medication wasn't so
volatile and didn't wear off so quickly, I could use the placard only
during my "off" periods. But I do not feel it would be wise to do so,
since my "off" periods can come suddenly. Is this something I should
worry about? Do people consider that a disabled person may not be
visibly disabled, or that it may not be a full-time disability?
POSTED 6/11/99
Larry, New York, NY, United States, <mancub@gay.net> , 36,
Male, Presbyterian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Parkinson's Disease,
Network Administrator, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
689972456
Responses:
My mother has CFIDS and has gotten the state-approved placard. I
have seen people give her dirty looks, and I've seen people be very
understanding (CFIDS is rarely visible to observers). My opinion:
People are going to react to you according to their own notions of
what "disabled" means, but if I see you with it in a "handicapped"
parking spot, I'm going to assume you feel it's justified, regardless
of my initial reaction.
POSTED 6/11/99
Joel, Boulder, CO, United States, <joel42@concentric.net> , 21,
Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Software Engineer, High
School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 61199102924
If you feel you need a placard, by all means get one. If I see
someone who is not visibly disabled but has a placard, I am not going
to question the necessity of their having one. (What I do object to
is someone without a placard parking in a handicapped spot.) If you
have a legitimate reason for a placard, don't worry about what other
people think. If you need one, you need one, and you don't owe anyone
an explanation.
POSTED 6/14/99
Laura, Bel Air, MD, United States, 37, Female, White/Caucasian,
College professor, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
6129991332
If I were you, I would be more concerned about what could happen
if your medication were to wear off while you were driving. Don't
worry about what people think.
POSTED 6/14/99
Jim, Scio, OR, United States, Male, Mesg ID 61399101207
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Copyright
and disclaimer