Best of the Week
of June 21, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of June 21, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
C5: Do people who live in
expensive houses on hills that overlook a city feel superior to those
who live below? I often wonder when I look up at these houses whether
people buy them because they like the view or because they feel
superior to everyone else, or a combination of the two. Or are there
other reasons?
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Tom, Fremont, CA
ANSWER 1:
The English language seems
loaded with examples of phrases in which height or altitude has
positive connotations. Examples include "King of the hill," "upper
class" or "rising above." Some of this may date back to the Middle
Ages, when castles (homes for the upper class) would be built on
hills for defensive purposes. Those living off of the hill (the "low
life") would plainly be in the poorer social classes. So maybe this
tendency is a legacy of our culture's predominantly European
heritage. Alternatively, perhaps this is biological. The ability to
see danger farther away has an obvious survival advantage. Those who
can afford it would buy houses on a hill because of the added feeling
of safety the view gives them. Personally, I think aesthetics have
value even without psychological underpinnings: The rich live on the
hill simply because the view looks cool.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Dave K., 34 <dkline@worldnet.att.net>, Caldwell, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE:
I believe this is a status
symbol of wealth. I would also live further from the crowded city
life if possible. But because of El Nino's effects on many of the
hillside homes in California, a lot of these homes are ending up at
the bottom of the hill.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Maureen, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe they feel they are
superior to the rest of society. They feel they are "looking down" on
the socioeconomic infrastructure that supports them, and that they
see and understand things us "working stiffs" cannot grasp, and thus
deserve to live above us, enjoying the wealth we working people
produce.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Dave, old, white, working-class Haole, Honolulu, Hi
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I grew up in one of those
expensive hilltop houses overlooking a city. My parents bought it
because they liked the view and it was in a very safe neighborhood.
One interesting thing: Most of the people around us were in serious
debt. We never cared how much money anyone else had. My first love
was smart, talented and poor. The class difference made him
uncomfortable at first but was never even an issue for me. We were
much more alike than different.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Anna, 33, single female, San Francisco, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO40: Are there any specific
reasons for the lisp many gay men have when they talk?
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Dan J., 32, white male, Sonoma County, CA
(Similar question posted June 23, 1998, by Mark, straight male,
Chicago, IL)
ANSWER 1:
I'm sure some people won't
like your question, but I know what you're saying. I'm a gay man and
there definitely is a "lilt" to the voices of many gay men. It's very
easy to detect. Sometimes it's a lisp, but more often it's an extra
inflection (i.e. taking two syllables to say "please"). I don't think
there's a clear reason for it - it's definitely not something gay men
try to do consciously. It just happens to some of them, and the
reasons are mysterious to us as well. Some gays try to deny lisps and
lilts even exist, but they're kidding themselves.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
W. Cranston, gay <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R358: My young son has a dark,
quarter-sized birthmark on his forehead. On two separate occasions,
Hispanic females have stopped, pointed and spoken in Spanish to each
other about the birthmark. Are facial birthmarks culturally
significant to Hispanics, and if so, how?
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Cindy B., 34, white female <burses@worldnet.att.net>, Tallahassee, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R110: I am a 23-year-old white
female graduate student who was recently visiting a friend living in
Mexico. I have very fair skin and was often referred to in Spanish as
"little white girl" or simply "whitey." My question is: How are these
comments meant? I generally associate them with catcalls in the
United States. Do people not understand they are offensive? Or should
they be considered flattering?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Travis, Carbondale, IL
ANSWER 1:
As a white woman with a
Mexican husband and in-laws, I have also struggled with this
question. My husband insists that when his father calls me "huera"
(white girl), it is not meant to be offensive, but is merely a
descriptive term. He says that anyone (including other Mexicans) who
has particularly white or dark skin is referred to as "whitey" or
"darky," respectively. It seems to be customary in the Spanish
language to refer to people by distinguishing characteristics (skin
color, hair type, body type, etc., i.e. "skinny") rather than always
by their name.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Chris, 24, white female, Long Beach, CA
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THE QUESTION:
A12: Does anyone know why kids
are killing kids and teachers in our schools nowadays? What is
happening and why? Is anyone out there afraid for their school-age
kids?
POSTED MAY 23, 1998
Cheryl G., 44, black <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
I heard an answer the other
day that made sense to me: Teens today are products of our video
culture, which portrays violence as cool and attention-getting.
Violence is also depicted as a direct solution to correcting a
perceived wrong or a sure way to getting your minute of fame. Teens
and others, especially those who think they have to pay back others
for real or imagined wrongs, find all kinds of encouragement to take
matters into their own hands. The media will give them all the
attention they think they deserve, so they convince themselves they
must act violently against their peers, in many cases their worst
tormentors.
These teens are acting out in their
school environments the acts of Tim McVeigh and Ted Kasczinski and
the America First-ers. The media doesn't describe these acts as
cowardly and demeaning to the perpetrators; instead, it finds all
kinds of "human interest" aspects of these cowards and their
anti-human acts. The media plays to our prurient interests, and we
read this stuff and give our teens the impression there is something
of value there. The teens are acting out our least generous and most
anti-social ways of thinking and talking. All the stuff vented on
talk shows like Jerry
Springer, et. al., gives
teens the impression that life is like that - a mess. So why shouldn'
t they act to "clean it up"?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
Robert, 62, white male <robertgagnon@hotmail.com>, Ottawa, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE:
Many young people do not have
the stability to know what is right and wrong to meet the challenges
of today. They have the TV image of life: Overpower or kill to make
things right. Lack of parental guidance has left them with nothing to
determine whether their actions are right or wrong.We must remember
that guns and weapons that kill come from a source, and many belong
to parents. It is a parent's responsibility to teach these things,
but unfortunately many parents are ignorant as to the way to do right
themselves, being victims of their childhood teachings. I don't think
kids want to be bad, they are just not thinking right or have the
right direction. Let's also remember that these kids are in the
minority, as I believe the majority of kids show a very high level of
behavior and intelligence when it comes to making the right
decision.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Charlie D. <CTD28@aol>, Ocala, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would like to add that the
ability to discipline our children is greatly hampered in this day
and age. Look at the track records of some of these kids: They seemed
to have a very loose leash. I read in a newspaper that the boy in
Oregon was angry his parents took his guns away from him as a form of
restriction for his pulling stunts like throwing rocks at cars from
overpasses and toilet-papering houses. Then he was caught trying to
buy a stolen gun in school, after which he sought retribution. Most
"problem kids" know that if they are disciplined too harshly, they
can call someone and it will be stopped. What else could happen with
things working this way?
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
David B., 21, DHBrantner@worldnet.att.net, St. Petersburg, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I have a five-year-old and am
very worried about the world he is facing. We worry more about the
rights of an individual than the rights of society, including raising
our children. Parenting is not secondary to your professional success
or increasing your income. Instilling values and self-discipline in a
child requires time and interest in their growth. It is not easy when
television, movies, toys, etc. seem to show them that all behavior is
acceptable. Parents are using television and day cares to raise their
children. I have been to see Jurassic Park, The Lost World
and Godzilla. All
had scenes of violence and pretty tense moments. The theaters were
full of small children, some as young as three. I was angry with the
parents. What are they thinking? My wife and I can't watch television
with our son because of the constant references and displays of sex
and violence, and we don't have cable! When we talk with other
parents, I feel we are in the minority. I wish we had more time to
spend with our son. The parents I talk to wish they had less time
with their kids. I'm not trying to be superior to anyone, but I've
got to believe that not enough parents get involved with the growith
of their children.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Snorget, 34, white middle-class parent <rcoate@robinent.com>, Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Single parent homes, little
or no parental supervision, lack of rules or restrictions and
misunderstanding of personal responsibility are all factors in what
causes children to kill and break the law. Yet these young people are
making a conscious choice to do something illegal. Our society tends
to blame anything and everything for the way people behave. It's time
we take notice that we are responsible for our own actions and
choices. It is our job as parents to teach our children right and
wrong. I feel that many parents leave discipline and child-rearing to
schools, day care providers or other means.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Charlynn, 39, Middletown, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I would like to point out
that this rash of murdering teens cannot be entirely blamed on the
influences of television. I go to school in a public, suburban high
school, and I can tell you that the way a parent handles a child can
warp or redeem him or her for the rest of their life. In my own small
circle of five close friends, three have been physically abused by
their fathers; another's mother emotionally breaks her down; my own
father committed suicide and my mother is intent on making sure I
never feel I am worth anything ever again. And these are not isolated
cases: This is through the whole school, if not the whole country. No
offense, but why don't baby-boomers know how to be good, loving
parents? Divorce, death, suicide, homicide, adultery and an array of
abuses take their toll on children who are as impressionable as a
dollop of warm wax. So don't blame TV or gun culture or violent
movies. Blame the parents whose treatement of their child has caused
him or her to snap. I think it was Dostoevski who said that whenever
a child murders his parents, his parents are partly to blame.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Kendra N., 17 <englishgoddess@hotmail.com>, Carrollton, TX
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THE QUESTION:
G9: I live in the Northwest, grew
up in the Southwest and was born in Washington, D.C. My question: Why
does it seem that many Easterners, mostly New Yorkers, are so rude
and do not respect another's personal space?
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Bickelb, 51, male, Clinton, WA
ANSWER 1:
New York City and its
surrounding areas have a culture all their own that many people don't
understand. (I'm a Long Islander currently living in Southern
California.) New Yorkers prefer their own space; they like to be left
alone to do whatever they're doing. They work hard and can't be
bothered with any silliness (like singing on the subway). To make
some generalizations: East Coasters are true, genuine people. You
know where they're coming from. They don't mince words. They are not
flakey or pretentious. East Coasters have a solid work ethic and a
strong sense of family. Just because they don't go skipping down the
street saying hello to everyone they meet doesn't mean they're rude.
They'd give you the shirt off their back, then ask if there's
anything else you need. Many of my friends in California are from the
East Coast. It's funny how we all seem to gravitate towards each
other.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Kris B. <bria@connectnet.com>, Carlsbad, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
What you perceive to be rude
behavior and disregard for "personal space" reflects differences of
urban life in most major world cities (i.e. Mexico City, Paris, etc.)
Also, please note the difference between New York City and New York
State. Most of New York is rural. Upstate residents are completely
different from New York City residents. I see three major
environmental differences between urban NYC residents and those who
reside almost anywhere else. I believe these lifestyle difference
directly affect an individual's conceptualization of "personal
space." Travel: Most NYC residents commute by subway, bus or ferry.
In most other areas, individuals travel alone in an automobile. The
solitude of an individual in a private automobile is a rare luxury in
NYC, where parking costs prevent many from owning autos. Housing: NYC
is suffering from a housing shortage. Outside of the city, families
generally live in single-family units with at least some yard space
separating neighbors. In crowded apartment buildings, residents have
neighbors on two sides, above and below. In effect, there is less
privacy and "personal space."Culture: NYC residents, even those who
remain in traditional ethnic enclaves, frequently interact with
foreigners and first-generation Americans who speak limited or no
English. Tact is often lost on those who possess different customs.
It is sometimes best to be direct. This "directness" is often
perceived by outsiders as rude behavior.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Andrew W., 22, Davis, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
New Yorkers encounter
thousands of people daily and have few opportunities for privacy.
This lack of personal space may cause them to become indifferent or
abrupt. All humans need peace to quiet their spirits, and little
peace or quiet is available in a city with 8 million people.
Consequently, New Yorkers may become aggressive or abrupt because
they are emotionally overwhelmed, and because they must compete for
something individuals from rural areas may take for granted - space.
In addition, individuals from more than 180 countries call New York
home. Imagine the communications nightmare that occurs when no one
speaks the same language nor shares a common culture. New Yorkers
typically "mellow-out" after having lived in a peaceful, spacious,
culturally homogeneous environment - but never quite lose their
edge.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Peggy, 39, black, former New Yorker <brownsville3@juno.
com>, Atlanta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I grew up in New Jersey,
lived in North Carolina nine years and have settled back in New
Jersey. New York City dwellers may appear to have less respect than
others for personal space, but I think their behavior (and maybe my
own) is a function of not having any space to start with. Some
Europeans, Asians and Middle Easterners have (to my mind) far less
respect for personal space than New Yorkers do, and, again, I think
it is because they live in very crowded conditions, which simply
makes their concept of personal space different from that of people
who grow up in wide-open spaces.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Erin B. <eboyle@planet.net>, Morris Plains, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I grew up in Brooklyn, went
to college in Boston and now live in Georgia. New Yorkers are not
rude. We seem to have an "in-your-face" way of dealing with issues
that seems to put some people off. To me, it is because New York has
been fast-paced long before many cities; we don't take time for the
niceties others may use in conversation and interpersonal relations.
I grew up in the "yadda-yadda-yadda" and "cut-to-the-chase" frame of
mind, and it is hard to break out of that mold. New Yorkers seem to
ask the most personal questions, which people answer without the
slightest hesitation, even thought they may feel funny about
answering them. I ask those "cut-to-the-chase," work-related
questions in meetings, and people always seem put off by them, like
they are sorry the meeting cannot last for hours by "beating around
the bush."
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Tammra N., 35, black female <nelsont@nscdiscovery.org>, Augusta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I grew up in the Midwest,
have traveled around the country and world and have now lived in New
York City five years. I think the problem is not that New Yorkers
don't respect personal space, but that they tend to have less of it,
and by extension perceive you as having less of it, too. The rudeness
thing is different. I am convinced Southern manners and Midwestern
pleasantness are shams that cover a horrifying mass of ill will,
resentment and the inability to express thoughts and feelings without
a lot of hemming and hawing. It's a cover for the same bad wiring New
Yorkers have. New Yorkers, as part of their constant feeling of
urgency and the need for forward movement, eschew the pleasantries
and formalized rituals that much of the rest of the country holds
dear. If you want to get along with a New Yorker, speak plainly,
succintly and to the point. Tell it like it is.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Grant B. <files@smtp.jerrynet.com>, New York, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R196: A question for African
Americans: How common is it to hear the word "nigger" used as an
intentional insult by non-African Americans? I hear the word
occasionally, but never with an African American around.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Joseph, 35, white <shaules@rikkyo.ac.jp>
Tokyo, Japan
(Director's Note: Because of the high interest we have received from
people using Y? regarding the use and power of this word, we would be
interested in hearing specific examples from African Americans (when
answering the above question) of when this word has been used in
front of you by a non-African American as an intentional insult. That
is, describe the circumstances, why or how the person used the word,
how you reacted, what thoughts or emotions you had, etc.)
ANSWER 1:
My husband was riding his
bike when some white males in a car rode past, threw a bottle at him
and said "nigger get a car." Of course that was cowardly of them, but
these days people have more sense than to use that word to your face.
Had they been face to face, there would have been a fight. It's that
simple. Don't use the word.
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
Black Female, N.C.
FURTHER NOTICE:
When we moved to Columbia,
S.C., in 1989, our first day there my mom and I went to a convenience
store to purchase some items for my new home. When we walked out the
door, a group of white boys looked at my mom and called her a nigger.
I was very angry, but my mom told me to ignore them and not respond
because that would put me down to their level. It bothered me for a
long time after. I have heard that word all my life and am raising my
children never to use it. It is very painful and only causes
fights.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
C. Lorick, 44 <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Generally, when "nigger" has
been directed toward me or people with me, the situation is that we
are physically in the minority. Specifically, we're at a "white"
club, or maybe at an event with a predominantly white crowd. Me and a
couple of friends were at a white club, and one of my friends was
involved in a fight with another patron. After the fight, someone
said, "Why can't you niggers stay at your own clubs and stop coming
to ours causing problems?" My personal reaction to confrontations
that involve being called "nigger" is more to laugh than to become
angry. If that is the best (worst) insult that can be thrown at me,
then I don't feel threatened. Anyone who uses the word as an insult
is only showing their ignorance and lack of education.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Sean C., 30, black male, Flint, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I'm a black man, and yet the
majority of my friends are white. They have never used the word when
I'm around, and because of the people they are, they probably don't
ever really use it, at least not specifically to hurt anyone. Words
are just symbols, and it is the meaning behind the word that gives it
significance. Blacks banter back and forth with each other constantly
using that word, and it is a mark of brotherhood among many. Whites
avoid the word, unless they have a harmful intent, at all cost when
around a black person. Right now, I could spew out an entire roll
call of typically loathesome words, but it would mean nothing without
intent behind it. Still, people would get offended. Why? Because
people give it intent. The word has no value in itself. People get
angry when the word "nigger" is used because of the meaning they give
it and the connotations they assume it implies. I despise the word
because few people are enlightened enough to separate speech from
intent, expression from connotation. If you say the sweetest thing to
me in the sweetest possible way, but its intent is to destroy me, you
are my enemy, and more despicable than a rapper who spews
profanity.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Ike D. <nukemall@hotmail.com>, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
While in the Navy, I heard
the word "nigger" used by one of my contemporaries at a meeting. I
was the only black person who met with this group, and I don't think
he knew I was there. We were discussing plans for our ship's
commissioning ceremony in Philadelphia. He made the comment to
someone that the only problem with Philadelphia was that there were
too many niggers there. He didn't know I heard him. We worked
together for four years, and he even invited me to his house a few
times, but I never went because what he had said that day stuck in my
mind. I hate to stereotype people, but that word makes me stereotype
non-blacks as being capable of racism. Probably because of the
history of the the negativity and injustice of it.
POSTED MAY 4
Retired Navy, 43, black <bigbig@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was Christmas shopping in
Dearborn, Mich., a suburb of Detroit that at the time was 99.9
percent white (I think they had one black family). It was a common
practice for many black shoppers to shop at the Fairlane mall, which
was brand new and one of the nicer places in Michigan.
In the parking lot, a couple of black
girls walking into the mall were almost hit by a car driven by a
white girl who had a couple of other white girls in her car. The
black girl hit the hood of the car with her hand and yelled, "Watch
where you are driving!" The white girl got out of the car, and both
parties had to be restrained by their friends.
As the white girl got back in the
car, before she sped off, she leaned out and yelled, "Nigger!" I
remember thinking at the time: Hmmm, she has been taught the word is
powerful and is designed to hurt. She used it as a weapon, like a
knife. The black girl's friend persuaded her to "let it go" because
it was Christmas and they had shopping to do, but I was immobilized.
I had never been in the presence of a white person calling a black
person a nigger before.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Mark A., Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Once my roomate, who was
white, had a few friends from home at our apartment. I met all of
them and thought they were pretty nice guys. Well, it seems that one
was telling a joke that referred to a "nigger," though I did not hear
the joke because I was in another room. Later that night, the guy who
told the joke apologized for saying the word "nigger" just in case I
overheard him. He mentioned he was not racist and that he never used
the word. Never ever. I told him I did not hear the joke, but I give
him more respect for telling me what he said before I confronted him
than to just hope I did not hear it. Later on, my roommate asked him
who won the annual Halloween contest in their hometown, and he
replied, "I don't know who he was, but he was a nigger." He could not
even look at me; he just dropped his head as if to say, "I can't
believe I just said that."
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Myron P., 24, black male, Georgia Southern University, Statesboro,
GA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The word "nigger," as well as
any other demeaning word, can be extremely caustic, or it can be
benign. I feel it depends on the context in which it is used. I work
with many whites. Some affectionately refer to themselves and friends
as white trailer- truck- and even boat-trash. I am aware my
co-workers refer to blacks as niggers when I'm not around. For
effect, I innocently referred to a co-worker as "boat trash" (he
lives in a $50,000 boat). The reaction was very caustic. Everyone in
the room paused. I was even reported to a superior. My response to my
peers was that even though blacks use this word "nigger"
affectionately, it is offensive coming from an outsider. Much like a
German who is called a "kraut" by an American. They understood what I
did, and why. One was moved to tears because of his offensive
behavior and predisposed opinions (although I usually was not
around).
The context, circumstances, intent
and source are determining factors when offensive words are used. I
do not believe in double standards. I was never allowed to use the
N-word as a child, and I don't like its use in my presence. I, and my
parents, grew up in the South. This word not only has a negative
connotation but is deeply associated with pain and oppression to
me.
POSTED JUNE 21, 1998
SouthCentraLa <SouthLaCa@aol.com>, Quartz Hill, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I have a good friend who
happens to be white. I was at his house one day and some of his white
friends came in the house and said "Hey nigger-lover." They did not
see me sitting in the chair away from the door, but once I was seen,
there was no apology or anything. They just acted as if nothing was
said (they seemed kind of embarrassed). But I was very hurt.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Zakiyyah, 23, black, GA
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THE QUESTION:
RE59: I'm an atheist and very
much in love with a Muslim girl. She doesn't think we should be
together because of our different cultural (she's from Morocco) and
religious backgrounds. Her father does not approve of our
relationship. I know there would be difficulties if we were to stay
together, but I hope we would succeed. Should I persist, or do people
think it wouldn't work, anyway? Does anyone have experience with
this?
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Thijs, 19, t.j.vinken@kub.nl, Tilburg, The Netherlands
ANSWER 1:
I believe if you plan to
marry and have children, both people should be of the same religious
beliefs. This does not mean two people from different religions
should not marry. It means that one of you should convert, in my
opinion. My understanding of religion is that it is a manifest of how
one interacts with life. The problem I see is that you're both
entering into a relationship with radically different values for
which there is no compromise. How can you compromise on religious
faith?
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
D. Nichols, 34, agnostic, Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am Muslim and was brought
up with the belief I should marry only a Muslim from my race. After
you are brought up like this, you tend to believe it and base your
morals on it. Muslims I know who married out of their race tend to
have their partner change their religion because they are devoted
Muslims; however, because their partners don't truly believe in that
faith, there are many disagreements when they have children or try to
impose their beliefs on each other. If you really do love her and she
feels the same way, you will find a way to work it out but, must
understand that to some people, their faith is very
important.
POSTED JUNE 21, 1998
Sarah P., Muslim, Los Angles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have not had a romantic
relationship affected by different belief systems, but I have dealt
with the issue in a very close friendship. I was raised Catholic, but
have been agnostic with atheist leanings for many years. A couple
years ago, one of my friends "got conked on the head by Jesus" as he
put it, and it put a real strain on our friendship and altered it
forever. We struggled to come to terms with our differing beliefs and
our affection for each other and, for the most part, were successful.
But I would be lying if I said it didn't make a difference in our
level of intimacy and ability to understand each other.
In your situation, I would hate to
discourage two people who love each other from trying to make their
relationship work. However, the facts are that this woman has a
profoundly different belief system and cultural background from your
own, and she has expressed serious doubts about trying to continue a
relationship with you, indicating her level of commitment may also be
different. Compromise is an important part of any relationship, but
there are some compromises that place people so far outside their own
value systems that the relationship is unable to continue. I have
concern that the latter compromises are the ones you would end up
making. My last piece of somewhat contradictory advice: Don't let
others' opinions influence you too much. You are the only person
living your life.
POSTED JUNE 23, 1998
Felicia, 34 <foloughl@n3c.com>, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not think religious
differences mean there are radical differences in values. It seems a
given that this couple shares values simply because they are so much
in love. The only difference is where they look to for moral
guidance, but not necessarily the conclusions they come to from that
guidance. Several roads can bring you to the same destination. Thus,
it is possible it can work if your girlfriend can see what brings you
together and live with her parents' disapproval - that is, if the two
of you together cannot convince them you share more than they
realize. Best wishes to you.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Terri P., atheist, Fredericksburg, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I recently married a Muslim
Moroccan woman and converted to Islam. If you are truly an atheist, I
would suggest you don't pursue this relationship. It will cause
problems. Trust me. You need to think deeply about your level of
committment. You need to think about her relationship to her parents.
You need to have open eyes and not be blinded by love. Don't
compromise your integrity.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Brad, 28, white, Honolulu, HI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have friends from Egypt who
are Muslim. They are sisters from a very strict, religious family.
They have been told that if they marry outside of their religion they
will no longer be acknowledged by their family. Their ages are 23 and
27. The 27-yeasr-old is dating a Catholic and the 23-year-old is
dating a man who has no religious preference. Their family does not
know, so they live with the fear of them finding out, but they still
continue to date these men. So, I guess my point is, they choose to
live in current times regardless of their family beliefs. They have
not left their religion, just their family's cultural restrictions.
Tradition is important, but so is honesty to themselves. They choose
not to live their lives based on Egyptian customs, but on American
ideals.
POSTED JUNE 26,1998
Sue <107767.46@compuserve.com>,Grosse Ile, MI
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