Best of the Week
of June 28, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of June 28, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
SO59: To gay people: How, and
when, did you know you were gay?
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Sue A., 38, Wilmington, DE
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THE QUESTION:
R310: Why are there so many black
TV sitcoms nowadays? It seems the number far exceeds the demographic
numbers. Is it possible we are reverting to the days
of Amos and
Andy? Also, are black people
offended by these shows? It seems to me they are a bit demeaning.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Wayne, 52, white male, WayneHD@aol.com, Anaheim, CA
ANSWER 1:
I don't think the situation
is as bad as Amos and
Andy. These were whites in
blackface, which is far more offensive than anything going on now.
Furthermore, it's hard for African Americans to make shows other than
comedies that will sell. You may remember an African-American soap
opera called Generations a
few years back. Why did that get cut? Because nobody was watching
it.
POSTED JUNE 21, 1998
Katherine, Richmond, IN
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am black and yes, I am
offended by some of these sitcoms. Especially shows like
The Wayans Brothers
Show. It is no more
flattering than Step N
Fetchit or Amos and Andy. It is one of the most degrading shows I have ever seen
both times I watched. Our forefathers must be turning over in their
graves in protest of this setback. Have you ever thought of why it
can place last in the ratings for so many years and still remain on
TV? Have you ever thought of why sitcoms lead the sector of TV work
for blacks? No accident. Much better shows like The Gregory Hines Show and many tries by Tim and Daphne Reid
(Frank's Place) have lasted only two or three weeks at best.
Sometimes I think whites make sure such stupidity stays in front of
TV audiences to perpetuate the clown myth. Their is nothing wrong
with the amount of shows, but the fault lies in the quality and the
lack of chance in the drama sector.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Embarrassed As Heck, black <Firdinand@AOL.Com>, Gainesville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R366: Why do many white Americans
(with the exception of Southerners) seem cold and unfriendly? I find
it difficult to make white friends, because I don't get the same
positive responses I do with other ethnic groups. What are some
possible reasons?
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Michela, 23, Latina-Asian female, Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER 1:
I think there could be a
number of reasons, depending on the person you are trying to talk to.
The same thing happens here around New York. I have noticed that it
comes down to discomfort based on "race issues." Sometimes I get
uncomfortable speaking with some of the people here at work because I
do not want to offend them accidentally. Because of the many possible
sources of friction between different ethnic groups and whites, it
can get tricky. And unfortunately, some white people simply do not
like anyone who is not white, despite the silliness of such an
attitude. My suggestion would be to simply continue to be friendly
and open. The right kind of people will relax and come around in
time. The rest are hardly worth your time. One more piece of advice:
Try not to classify one group of whites as friendly and open and
another group as unfriendly. That only adds to the stereotype. I
think you would find that the open nature of whites in the South is
more of a regional thing, and that under that mask they are just like
everyone else. Personal experience has proven that to be true.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
John K., 24, straight Irish-American male, <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
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THE QUESTION:
RE38: What is the
religious/cultural significance of the dot on the forehead of Indian
females? How do they get it there? Is it tatooed, painted or
stick-on? What would happen if they neglected to put it on? I desire
as detailed an answer as possible.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
L.A., 29, white female, Boston, MA
ANSWER 1:
Traditionally, the dot on the
forehead was a symbol of marriage. A woman, once married, has to wear
the dot just like you wear a wedding ring. I think different
communities have different traditions regarding which color should be
used if you are not married or widowed. Today, that symbolism has
largely vanished, and the dot is simply a beauty accoutrement for
Indian girls and women, much like lipstick or eye-shadow. The dot can
be put on in many ways: A liquid that washes off, a powder that will
easily come off, or, most popular with the younger women and girls,
stickers in a variety of colors and shapes. You stick it on, you can
take 'em off and after a few times, the stickiness will be gone, so
you throw it away and use a new one.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
P.K.M., 29, Indian, Berkeley, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
The "tika" mark worn by most
adult Indian women on their forehead is usually made of a red
vermilion paste, ash or sandalwood, and is not permanent. It can be
applied by the woman to denote her Hindu sect (different colors), or
can be applied by a priest as a blessing. Sometimes they are in the
shape of three horizontal lines (followers of Shiva), and vertical
lines (followers of Vishnu). On a man, the mark is known as a
"Tilak." The tika mark in the shape of a dot is known as a "bindi"
and is worn to signify that a woman is married.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Martin J. <gshrzarmod@aol.com>, Salinas, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R26: Why do Asian-Indian men in
the United States dress in traditional "American" clothing, but the
women or wives still wear headresses and long skirts? Does this tie
into the belief (or maybe the stereotype) that Asian-Indian women are
submissive and subservient?
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Z.J., Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
The code of dress for men,
even in India, is universal. Unless for certain functions, they
always resorted to the Western dress. For Indian women, I think, it's
more a matter of comfort, that's all. Mind it,they do go for the
Western, also. There is no submission or force, but as in all cases,
there are exceptions. From my point, (and from many of my friends')
my man never insisted on that. At least in this generation, it
doesn't happen.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Simran, MN <sim@ol.com>
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a married Indian male
living in the United States and I have thought about this question in
a slightly different way. Why is it that women of other nationalities
are not seen in their traditional dresses as much as the Indian
women? One reason might be that in India, traditional women's
clothing has been adjusted and accepted as formal/office wear.
Another reason- according to my wife - is that she feels much more
comfortable and beautiful in Indian clothes. I agree. Unfortunately
she can't wear them at her place of work in the United States every
day because they are too "nice" for a chemistry lab. But she is
always looking for a chance to wear something colorful and
traditional whenever she can.
As for men, speaking for myself, I
have always worn pants/jeans/shirts (except for special occasions)
when I was in India, and there was no big adjustment to make after
coming here. My question for the original questioner is, Why do
Americans think all women outside America are
submissive/traditional/incapable-of-thinking-for-themselves,
etc.?
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
C.A., Indian <p2k4@hotmail.com>, East Lansing, MI
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THE QUESTION:
D1: I am interested in how the
average person views people who stutter. Do they perceive the
handicap as mental, physical or whatever? I am 55 and a former severe
stutterer till I was 22. I also have an adult son who still
stutters.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Jim Y., Walled Lake, MI
ANSWER 1:
I would have to say I view
stuttering as a physical condition. I have however, seen a stuttering
friend treated as though he were mentally disabled. People become
impatient waiting for him to finish a word or sentence and attempt to
finish it for him or excuse themselves while he is in mid-sentence to
speak to someone else. They will often try to speak slowly to him and
loudly as though he were deaf. This is very frustrating to him and
devalues the intelligence he possesses.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Lori C., 33, Bellevue, NE
FURTHER NOTICE:
I can't answer this as an
"average" person, because I am a person who stutters. Personally, I
believe the cause of stuttering can be either physical or
psychological, or both. My stutter, for example, completely
disappears when I am alone, or when I speak to my dogs. I stutter
worse when I am under stress (like when I have to verbally defend
myself). These characteristics seem to me to be psychological in
nature. I participated in group speech therapy while I was in high
school and came in contact with very severe stutterers, some of whom
couldn't utter a sound without stuttering, regardless of the
situation. These people, I'm convinced, had a physiological defect
that caused them to stutter.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
John H., 27, white male <jhopkins@osscorp.com>
Farmington Hills, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a speech-language
pathologist, and people do tend to be impatient with people who
stutter (disfluencies). I think a good starting point is for the
person who stutters to let his communication partners know he/she
stutters. This takes pressure off the person who stutters ("the big
secret is out") and it also lets the other person know the situation
and hopefully be less critical. If needed after the initial
explanation, the person who stutters can let the listener know he
understands everything, hears well but has some difficulties getting
some words out. It is also important for the person who stutters (and
the rest of us) to realize that nobody has completely fluent speech -
not actors, newscasters - nobody.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
L.K., San Diego , CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am 21 and have been
stuttering ever since I can remember. I was raised in Africa, where
stuttering is ridiculed, and because of that I became very conscious
of my speech defect. I have managed to control my stuttering over the
years, but I notice I stutter more when I am participating in group
discussions (when all eyes are on me) or when I am really nervous or
angry. People are very impatient with those who stutter; the only
advice I can give is to find a unique quality and flaunt it. That
will make an individual feel good.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ifeyinwa <ifebigh77@hotmail.com>, Miami, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am not an expert on the
subject of stuttering, but I did work for a non-profit organization
here in Canada that provided financial support for stutterers in
Canada to attend a program in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, called the
Institute for Stuttering Treatment and Research. Dr. Einer Boberg was
the founder of this Institute. Sadly, Dr. Boberg is no longer with
us, but I know his work continues. And I have seen before-and-after
video tapes of individuals who stutter (or I should say "used to
stutter"). It is amazing. I don't know if there is a program similar
to this in the United States, and if I'm not mistaken, the techniques
and practices utilized by this Institute are internationally known.
Don't know if this answers your question or is of any use to you. I
just felt I should pass along the fact that there is help for
stutterers to overcome their problem.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Marie B.<bradnmarie@dlcwest.com>, Regina, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am an 18-year-old
stutterer, and I think people who think stuttering is a disability do
not know what it's like. I lead a very normal and active life, and my
speech does not affect me, although I have had my share of people
patronizing me. Stuttering is not a disability or physical condition
- it adds to a person's character.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Ryan D., 18, white male <jroosa@hotmail.com>, Rayne, La
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I've stuttered all my life,
and the fact that I am an Asian immigrant has made it much more
difficult. when I was still in chool I could not speak or read in
front of any one. I was able to negotiate through a very successful
technical management career, during which I spent the first six years
as an individual contributor, and the latter five years as a manager.
I was at least more effective than my fluent, domestically born
peers, with up to nearly 30 degreed technical staff under my
responsibility. I created my own company 10 years ago after I was
convinced there was nothing more I could do by continuing my
corporate career, and I have had no problem running and growing the
business. I'm in my early forties, and I still stutter terribly even
talking to my three children. It is obvious that I'd feel much better
without stuttering - I may even do better without stuttering, and I
do wonder often, "What if I never stuttered?" I never looked for a
psychologist, I never spent time finding a cure. But I did try
harder, and I did find ways to get the job done.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Isaac, 43, Asian Male <isaac@iccas.com>, Newbury Park, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R326: Living in Los Angeles, I've
noticed many white/Asian couples. Why does it seem that white men
usually seem to be with unattractive Asian women? Is it just the
exotic factor that they're after?
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Twentysomething, San Gabriel, CA
ANSWER 1:
I think you may just be
picking out certain couples. Here in Hawaii, we have many racially
mixed couples, and there are just as many "attractive" couples as
there are "unattractive." Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. These
people may have something really special between them, and it is not
for us to judge.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Valerie, 30, white, Honolulu , HI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Interestingly enough, I've
always felt it was attractive Asian women with unattractive white
men. Regardless, I think there's a dual effect going on. First, many
of these white men have apparently bought into American society's
treatment of Asian women as exotic, submissive, obedient creatures,
an image cultivated by the mass media (like everything else). Movies
that deal with the Vietnam or Korean wars come to mind, where saucy
"oriental" hookers wear skimpy outfits and try to get business from
American GIs.
The second effect is simply that of
Asian women buying into American society itself, in which the
dominant race (white) is the de facto standard by which other races
are judged. In this racial paradigm, the attractiveness of other
races is measured by how "white" they look. (If in doubt, think of
most non-white models - do they tend to exhibit facial
characteristics that lean closer to white, or to their own racial
group? In other words, will a model with extremely thick lips, a flat
nose and nappy hair ever become a smash hit in America?) I'm not
placing a value judgment on this situation, I'm only making an
observation. Anyway, to conclude this second effect, many Asian women
are attracted to white men because the latter are the pinnacle of
attainment in this society. Black men are considered "taboo," while
Asian men are asexual computer geeks or martial arts experts (think
Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid
or that Indian guy from the
movie Short
Circuit).
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Ray, 24, Asian <yangban@erols.com>, Washington, DC
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a European engaged to an
Asian American, I find most attraction is based on personality. While
I find my fiancee physically attractive, I fell in love with her
honesty, outward shyness and faithfulness. Many European females seem
to "look down" on guys these days, something I have never encountered
with Asian females.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
T. Rameth, 22 <rameth@hotmail.com>, San Leandro, CA
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