Best of the Week
of June 30, 2002
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of June 30, 2002, as
selected by Y? Thesepostings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as
well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will
find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
The book
on Y? is here!
"Why Do White People Smell Like Wet
Dogs
When They Come Out Of The Rain?"
Order it here!
Read the
Associated Press story on "Wet Dogs"
Question:
How can anyone not believe in God? Even if you don't believe in
Him as our Lord and Savior, how can you not believe He is the
creator? At least believe that. You can honestly look at yourself,
knowing how complex you body is, and think you were just there from
the beginning, or that some evolutionary phenomena happened? How can
you look at the moon and the stars and the sun and think they just
happened "just because"? How can you wake up every day and not know
it was by the grace of God?
POSTED 7/2/2002
Erin, Fort Lauderdale, FL, United States,
<MsECJ7@hotmail.com>, 20, Female, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, Student, Middle class, Mesg ID 72200215100
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Question:
Are any of the following true about white people�s hygiene:
- Do they really sit on public toilets?
- Why, when they are cooking, do they think it is OK to put the spoon
they are cooking with in their mouth and then back into the pot?
- Do they really kiss each other in the morning without brushing
their teeth, like in the movies?
- Do they really just wash their skin with a bar of soap and not a
bar of soap and wash cloth to get rid of died skin?
Please don�t think I�m crazy, but in recent years I have
noticed my white friends have very different hygiene practices than
any other race I have come in contact with.
POSTED 7/1/2002
Mary, Jones, GA, United States, <ndotodream@yahoo.com>,
22, Female, Agnostic, Hispanic, Chinese, African, Straight, designer,
4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 712002112339
Responses:
Hilarious! And no, I don't think you're crazy for asking. I'm white,
and no, I don't sit on public toilets ... I 'hover.' If I'm making
dinner for me and my hubby, I do occasionally taste off the spoon,
then put it back in the pot to stir. But if I'm entertaining guests,
I do no such thing. Gross! In the morning, I smooch my hubby,
closed-mouthed of course, lightly on the lips, but that's it. No one
wants a big wet smooch first thing in the morning. Ick. As far as the
soap, I use soap and a sponge and loofah to wash, and hubby uses soap
and a wash cloth.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Kimberly, Kalispell, MT, United States,
<play4k@hotmail.com>, 31, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, emergency, Middle class, Mesg ID 71200234922
My white friends and I first look at the toilet seat to see if
there are any urine splashes. Sometimes we wipe it with wet toilet
paper. Then we sit down. Putting a spoon you have used back in the
stew is frowned upon. My husband washed with only a bar of soap and
his hand. I always use a washcloth. I believe we all wake up with
'morning mouth.' Some brush immediately, some ignore it and kiss.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Jean K., North Palm Beach, FL, United States, 68, Female,
Unitarian, White/Caucasian, Straight, retired director March of
Dimes, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 712002104904
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Question:
I am a white teenager and wear 'black' clothing, like Fubu,
Sean John, Phat Farm, School of Hard Knocks, etc. Why do some African
Americans dislike it when I wear these clothes? I might wear a
leather jacket, or a pair of shoes with a special material that might
be seen as 'ghetto,' and I am a little worried about being
harrassed.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Jules, East Hampton, NY, United States, 15, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Less than High School Diploma,
Middle class, Mesg ID 712002113506
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Question:
Do all Jewish men have to wear those small hats that sit on the
top back part of the head? If yes, what if the person didn't have a
lot of hair? The hats attach to the head by hair clips, so how would
you attach the hats to your head in that case? Or would you not be
required to wear them then?
POSTED 6/13/2002
Robert S., Poole, NA, United Kingdom, <rms6859@yahoo.com>, 26,
Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Mesg ID 529200222057
Responses:
The hat you're referring to is called a 'kippah' or 'yarmulke.'
Wearing one is a sign of humility in the presence of G-d. The
decision to wear one is largely shaped by the level of adherence to
the laws of Judaism one practices. I cannot imagine, for example, an
Orthodox Jewish man not wearing one, but having grown up in a Reform
(more liberal) Jewish congregation, I know of many men, including my
father, who do not wear one or who wear one only when in Synagogue.
They don't have to be kept on with clips, but certainly the clips
help. I suppose a bald man who cannot clip it to his hair would
probably use a form of double-stick, toupee-type tape.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Cari, Austin, TX, United States, 30-ish, Female, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, attorney, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 6172002101850
An Orthodox Jew will never leave his head uncovered; it's a sign
of respect for God, in whose presence we are at all times. It is
similar to the way Muslims keep their heads covered. A regular hat
will do; the little beanies you see these days are something of a
modern innovation, for indoor wear. They will stay on a bald head,
although not very well. Observant Jewish married women cover their
heads, too, but that's a matter of modesty.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, 54, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 617200214705
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Question:
I am a white woman and have never had a black friend. There is a
black woman at work with whom I would like to become better
acquainted, yet I know she has too much going on at home and at work
right now to find time for me. I wrote her an e-mail in which I
mentioned that I would contact her later on this summer to see if
she'd like to get together. Besides trying to understand what my
white privilege will bring into the dynamics of this relationship I'm
hoping to form, is there anything else of which I should be
aware?
POSTED 6/13/2002
Lori, Saco, ME, United States, <monami@loa.com>, 43, Female,
Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 69200292343
Responses:
I would strongly recommend that you read, Bridging The Gap Between
Black Women & White Women: Divided Sisters by Midge Wilson
and Kathy Russell. This book will not tell you everything there is to
know about black women. However, I believe it will provide you a
strong foundation that will lead to insight about black women and the
relationship we as black women have had with the dominant group,
specifically white women. I applaud your efforts and hope you are
able to forge a relationship that extends itself to something beyond
black and white.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Elle, Chicago, IL, United States, 30, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, stay-at-home mom/grad student, 4
Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 613200232608
I think you should approach a friendship with the African-American
woman as you would with any woman. Take the time to get to know her.
If you have questions, ask. Try to be honest when she asks you
questions that may be uncomfortable. I work with three white women
and have formed a friendship with one because we think alike and
share a lot in common. This woman may be black, but give her more
credit for being a good person and someone you find interesting.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Michelle, Cleveland, OH, United States, 27, Female, Catholic,
Black and Filipino, Straight, library clerk, 4 Years of College,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 614200291905
As far as I know, friendship has never been based on color lines.
It has always been just a matter of what type of person you are and
what type of person you care to hang around. I am a black female, and
the majority of my friends are also black. However, it is not because
I chose to mostly have black friends; it was a matter of who I like
and who likes me. I think it is good that you may want to go beyond
your usual social circle, but don't go looking for a black person to
befriend just to say you had/have a black friend, or as an experiment
to find out what it is like to have a black friend. Another note on
interracial friendships: there are to my knowledge no privileges or
restrictions that being a certain race bring (well, not outside of
certain things you can't say, like when associating with black
people, 'nigger' is definitely not a word that should come out of
your mouth). Anything that comes out of a friendship should be
genuine.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Denise, Indianapolis, IN, United States, <A1DNB01@aol.com>,
20, Female, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Student, 2
Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 615200253629
Whew! I don't know where to begin! I must assume you are sincere
but your whole approach troubles me. Did you just decide that you
wanted a black friend and chose this woman? Do you have any common
interests? Do you have mutual friends? Have you picked up on any
signals from her that she would be interested in getting to know you
better? Friendship must be mutual, and your posting seems one-sided.
Regardless of race, it seems to me that writing someone an e-mail
saying that you will contact them later in the summer is a strange
way to make friends. I have friends of many races, and I believe true
friendships operate on a personal level rather than on a
group-to-group level. What you would need to know is how to relate to
that specific person. The way you find that out is by talking to her
about mutual interests. For example, do you both garden? Read books?
Go to movies? Because you both work at the same place, there should
be some common ground.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Ramonna, Minneapolis, MN, United States, Female, Episcopalian,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 617200290318
Why are you even worrying about it? Obviously you have things in
common, so why is race a factor for you? Your underlying concerns
might even put strain on the friendship. There is no such thing as
'white privilege' anymore. If anything, it's 'black privilege.' You
just have to look at 'affirmative action' and all the scholarships,
awards and orginizations that blacks have to see that white privilege
is no more.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Mari, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 28, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
624200293709
What do you mean by 'white privilege'? She has privileges, too.
She's an American woman. You two may share more than you think. Maybe
she'd like a new friend as much as you would.
POSTED 7/2/2002
Kimberly, Kalispell, MT, United States,
<play4k@hotmail.com>, 31, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, emergency, Middle class, Mesg ID 71200240943
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Question:
What are some things African Americans think white people could
be doing to improve racial equality in the United States?
POSTED 6/12/2002
Bonnie F., South Florida, FL, United States, Female, Protestant,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 612200222225
Responses:
White people just need to generally have an open mind and see people
for who they are. I have noticed that the more enlightened the white
person is, the easier it is for them to acquaint themselves with
people from other ethnic groups, because they are more emancipated,
broad-minded and intellectual.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Chelsea, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 29, Female, Pentecostal,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
617200225145
Your question is so very much appreciated. It's one I seldom hear.
The answer is very simple: Recognize that African-American people are
just that - people, too. Just as we are seldom inclined to lump all
Caucasians into one group - sharing all tastes, interests, strengths,
weaknesses and personal attributes - we should try to be aware
whenever we are doing just that when referring to African Americans.
We all come into this world as individuals; though we might share a
similar skin shade or similar history, each of us have different
perspectives on life, different values, interests, social and
financial statuses and ambitions. When you come into contact with an
African American, try to make your mind a 'tabla rasa' - a blank
slate. Forget whatever stereotypes you've learned and explore the
individual standing in front of you. Find out what he or she likes
and dislikes, and what his or her history and perspectives are. If
they appear different from yours, find out why the person sees things
differently from you. Only if we begin to learn authentically about
one another can we begin to minimize the destructiveness we all
experience in our society as a result of stereotypes.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Susan, Brightwaters, NY, United States,
<silvercolor16@aol.com>, 33, Female, Unitarian, Multiracial,
Straight, Personal/Business Coach, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 622200255712
I'd say all things begin with education. I'd first begin with
re-learning history to include viewpoints from multiple races and
ethnicities. The way many Americans are educated now excludes
different experiences and views. This blinds people from seeing the
way racism along with other forms of discrimination has been deeply
institutionalized in our society. Learning this will help you see and
get a better understanding of racism. Second, I would say re-evaluate
your current situation. Are things truly equal around you? Talk to
people and try to understand how other people see things. Third, do
the best you can to spread what you learn to others. Finally, for
today, don't be afraid to talk about racism. It's not Fight Club,
it's OK to talk about it.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Marc M., State College, PA, United States, 24, Male, Black/African
American, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 625200265223
First, whites can start by treating us as if we're equals. Hear
our concerns and see them as more than racial issues. Know that they
are human issues. Try and understand that the things we want are the
same things you want. Nothing extravagant - just to be treated with
respect and dignity.
POSTED 7/1/2002
Kiea, Montgomery, AL, United States, 25, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, secretary, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 712002102039
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Question:
Does anyone know where the statement 'White people smell like
bologna' originated? I know it is similar to the title of the book
Why Do White People Smell Like Wet Dogs When They Come Out of The
Rain, but why bologna? A recent beer commercial makes reference
to it.
POSTED 6/13/2002
S. May, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 38, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 523200211134
Responses:
I don't know the name of it, but there was a movie in the late '90s
that was a fairly big release. Marlon Wayans' character was getting
interrogated by the police, and he broke out with that line. I
laughed my ass off for days.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Bumpy, Chicago, IL, United States, Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID 614200290854
Come to think of it, I've noticed that (being white myself). White
people do have a 'lunchmeat' smell to their body odor when they
haven't bathed or are sweating heavily. When I'm in the gym with
black friends, the difference in smell is noticeable.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Brian, Peru, IN, United States, 26, Male, White/Caucasian, 4 Years
of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 623200273140
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Question:
I have a friend whom I've known for more than three years.
Recently, a mutual friend, who met her in drama and has known her for
about six months, mentioned in a casual conversation that our friend
is a lesbian. She has apparently had several girlfriends and is part
of a gay-straight club at our school. I don't think I'm homophobic,
but I am wondering why she would keep this from me and tell so many
others (apparently everyone in drama)? And should I say anything to
her?
POSTED 6/13/2002
Nicole, Northville, MI, United States, 15, Female, Straight, Mesg ID
523200243527
Responses:
Why would you want to say anything? Have you made the decision to
'come out' to her as 'straight'? What would you say to her? If she
feels the need to share that part of her life with you, I'm sure she
will. Perhaps she is afraid it will negatively affect your
relationship. If you really want her to tell you, join the club she
belongs to to illustrate your support of all sexualities. When she
knows you are accepting of who she is, it will be easier for her to
talk openly with you about it.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Jessica K., Huntsville, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, epileptic, student, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 613200214131
The only way to know why you were not told is to ask her. Maybe it
just never came up in conversation. Maybe she feels more comfortable
among Drama Club people. I would also not jump to the conclusion that
she told a lot of other people. It is quite possible she told only
one person, and that person told one person, etc. When I was in high
school, if you wanted the whole school to know something, all you had
to do was tell one person and swear them to secrecy. Of course, there
could also be the possibility that it is not true, or she may be
unsure of herself. Another reason to talk to her.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Ramonna, Minneapolis, MN, United States, Female, Episcopalian,
Black/African American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 617200282354
Ever heard of stigma management? I used to wonder why lesbians as
a group were so quiet, almost invisible, until I purposively sought
them out because I faced up to my own sexual orientation (at this
late phase in my life). I have always been heterosexual, been
married, and had a child. It is so difficult to imagine what it is
like to be discriminated against in a heterosexist society if you are
heterosexual yourself. A male gay friend of mine has the 'Don't ask,
don't tell! policy, and it works perfectly for him.
Instead of saying anything to your friend about this, show her
that you are a person who is tolerant and accepting of differences.
That may just do the trick.
POSTED 6/25/2002
KateCN, QC, NA, Philippines, <katecn55@hotmail.com>, 46,
Female, Catholic, Asian, Lesbian, Teacher, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 624200295901
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Question:
Why are Muslims supposed to like bean pies? I'm a Muslim and have
never even seen a one and don't know what it is. No one else I know
has ever heard of them, but I've gotten teased about bean pies often
in college and high school.
POSTED 6/13/2002
Vilas, Islamabad, NA, Pakistan, <muslim1400@hotmail.com>, 21,
Female, Muslim, Pakistani/Irish, Straight, Writer, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 5292002103655
Responses:
I used to have a neighbor from India who moved to England to study
when she was a kid. She eats beans, beans, beans. Everything she
cooks has bloody beans inside, and it's thanks to her I think beans
are one of the most disgusting things in the world. I mean, she cooks
like a whiz, and she bakes the best pies, but they have beans inside
- and they're all gross, disgusting, starchy lentil beans that taste
like sawdust. So maybe it's because many people have the perception
that blacks are mostly Muslims, and that some countries like India
include lots of beans in their diet and are full of black people, and
so they're supposedly 'Muslims' (the general ignorant perception of
the masses) so they eat beans.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Yuffie, n/a, NA, n/a, 16, Female, Atheist, Asian, Straight,
Student, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
615200241545
Years ago when I lived in Washington, D.C., members of the Nation
of Islam (which is not to say all Muslims) used to sell bean pies on
the sidewalks. I always assumed it was a fund-raising activity and
had no religious (or political, for that matter) significance. At
least none of the men selling the pies tried to convert me to Islam.
That's probably where the idea came from that Muslims like bean pies.
The pies were very good, although I had to be convinced to try one
the first time. To me, they taste kind of like sweet potato pies, but
with a different texture, kind of sweet but not overly sweet.
Definitely something to try, if you have never tasted one. Lately, I
have seen them in a Lebanese deli near my house, but I don't know
whether the owners are Muslim.
POSTED 6/25/2002
Ramonna, Minneapolis, MN, United States, Female, Episcopalian,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 617200283925
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Question:
What does it mean when an American calls someone a 'French whore'?
How is that different from an American whore?
POSTED 6/13/2002
Julie, Nashville, TN, United States, 22, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
613200230601
Responses:
I believe the reference is 'You smell like a French whore.' As I
understand the phrase, it refers to an overindulgence in perfume;
perhaps because France is the home of expensive fragrances, or
because historically the French court used fragrance to hide their
body odor caused by infrequent bathing. 'Whore' would also indicate a
social class, perhaps someone of a lower or working class putting on
airs - in this case literally by liberally applying perfume. The
sexual aspect of whoring is ignored.
POSTED 6/26/2002
Doug, Phoenix, AZ, United States, 39, Male, New Age/Metaphysical,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Administrator, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 613200213913
Europeans in general are more open about sex, and more accepting
of prostitution as an industry, than Americans. Our 'highly advanced'
country is still obsessed with Puritanism and other moralistic rules
and regulations meant to keep women down. When these same people view
West European culture, such as French culture, they judge the way
France glorifies the female body as being immoral. They also don't
want to admit that the American media glorifies the female body just
as much (but America glorifies the plastic Barbie woman rather than
the real thing) - the same way they don't want to think of
prostitution as an issue in our culture. It's something that happens
'over there.'
POSTED 6/26/2002
Jessica K., Huntsville, TX, United States, 22, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, epileptic, student, 2 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 613200214903
I had no idea Americans use the term 'French whores,' but I would
say that after having seen a great variety of both (American and
French whores), the answer might be simple: like the average French
person, whores over there have more elegance and class than their
American colleagues.
POSTED 6/26/2002
Hanna, Stockholm, VA, Sweden, 27, Female, Lutheran,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Researcher, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 617200285324
I always took that to mean that a woman is heavily perfumed.
POSTED 6/26/2002
Jedd C., Akron, OH, United States, 35, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, escrow, 4 Years of College, Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 624200273029
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Question:
I am a young, attractive multiracial woman, with a light
complexion and ethnic features. I'm thicker than your average white
girl (I have bigger breasts and behind) and get attention from black
and Latin men, but not from white men. Why don't white men talk to
non-white women? Is it that they are intimidated by ethnic women, or
are they just not attracted to us?
POSTED 6/13/2002
Chrissy, Oakland, CA, United States, 23, Female, Catholic,
Creole/Mexican, Straight, health care, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 69200250751
Responses:
It's easy to generalize about ALL white men. Some men don't date
outside of their race, religion or ethnic background. Some men will
have sex with women outside of their race/ethnic group, but won't
date them or marry them. That tells you something about how they
perceive women of color. But also, some men just aren't aggressive.
Perhaps you can be sociable without seeming like you want a date.
That might allow a man who you might be interested in to get to know
you.
POSTED 6/28/2002
Gary, Chicago, IL, United States, <garylatman@yahoo.com>,
Male, Jewish, Straight, Left-handed, Teacher, Over 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 628200220228
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