Best of the Week
of July 1, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of July 1, 2001, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s new
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
If I have kissed a woman, does that make me gay?
POSTED 7/5/2001
Jolie, Temple, TX, United States, 23, Female, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 752001120046
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Question:
Recently in the news I have heard of several parents killing
their own kids. Most of these parents are white. Do mostly white
women suffer from post-partum depression? Am I correct in my
observation that most of the parents are white in these news stories?
Is there something in the white value system/culture that makes this
more prevalent?
POSTED 7/2/2001
P.P., Porterville, CA, United States, 53, Female, Sikh, Asian,
Straight, nurse, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
722001102338
Responses:
This is far from only a white problem, as parents, especially
mothers, of all races have killed their babies/children in recent
years. There is, however, a separate though related issue with urban,
mostly black or Hispanic mothers abandoning their children in
Dumpsters, alleys, etc. that is economically related for the most
part. Some of these children are not found in time and do not
survive. If you are talking about post-partum psychotic infanticide,
there are definitely verifiable cases that do not discriminate by
race (mother in Texas was white, Hispanic mother in Paterson, N.J.,
threw young child in the Passaic River, black woman in New York threw
baby out the window, etc). This is a major psychiatric problem that
requires treatment and possibly prosecution, depending on whether the
act was committed in a psychotic state or just diminished capacity,
which mitigates charges and sentences, though the person is still
legally responsible for his or her actions.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Pete, New York, NY, United States, 30, Male, 4 Years of College,
Mesg ID 75200171017
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Question:
Why are Muslim women not supposed to show their ankles?
POSTED 7/5/2001
B.M., Bristol, NA, United Kingdom, 33, Female, Hindu, Asian,
Straight, Administrative Assistant, Technical School, Middle class,
Mesg ID 74200144015
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Question:
Why do white men and women find small, non-existent backsides
attractive? Every African-Caribbean person I know (and this is
without exception) believes a woman with a round, full bottom is
attractive and sexy. I am not saying that every African-Caribbean
woman has this body shape, but the majority do, and if she does not,
it is something on her 'wish list.'
POSTED 7/5/2001
Anne, London, NA, United Kingdom, 30, Female,
African-Caribbean, Straight, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
752001113653
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Question:
I have a fair-sized red birthmark on my face, near my nose, and
have always wanted to know how others really feel about it. Do you
think they are ugly? Do you pity people with them? Do you worry about
touching them?
POSTED 7/5/2001
Kate, Bloemfontein, NA, South Africa, 24, Female, Middle class,
Mesg ID 75200143523
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Question:
How can I respond to U.S. colleagues who, because I come from
Northern Ireland, assume that I sympathize with Republicanism/IRA?
They talk of 'the cause' and refer jokingly to pro-IRA songs. This is
upsetting, as the IRA almost killed me when I was three.
POSTED 7/2/2001
Mandy, Reading, NA, United Kingdom, 31, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Technical Writer, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 72200155819
Responses:
There's no way for them to know if it is hurting you unless you
tell them. Just talk to them about it, possibly including your
encounter with them that you mentioned above. If this is a serious
issue to you, don't let them see it as a laughing matter.
POSTED 7/5/2001
Pat, Somewhere, CA, , 22, Atheist, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
74200150422
There's no easy answer to your question. Fundamentally, it's the
old 'one man's terrorist is another man's freedom-fighter' problem.
It's very easy to turn around and point out the Oklahoma bombing, one
of the few domestic U.S. acts of terrorism that is on the same scale,
but it does seem to play on sympathies and is also unrelated. My
suggestion would be to try and subtly enter into conversation about
The Troubles. If the person shows no knowledge of the history and
background, then you can either try to set them right or tell them in
no uncertain terms that they don't know what they're talking about.
If they do know the background, then, hey, you'll have to respect it
and agree to differ.
POSTED 7/5/2001
Geoff R, Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom, 24, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Bartender, 2 Years of College, Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 74200151531
As I'm sure you are aware, if this sort of thing happened back
home, it would be called 'harrassment,' and the perpetrators would
expect a good ticking off from the boss (or the law). If it happened
in England (and I have seen it on a number of occasions), it seems
the best thing to do is spread a little education. Explain to the
bigots the difference between the IRA, the UDF, etc., and the vast
majority of Northern Ireland Citizens. I'm sure most of the people
saying this would never dare think of walking up to an African
American and saying, 'Don't throw bloody spears at me' (for anyone
who doesn't know - apocrophal reference to expression reportedly used
by Michael Caine during making of the film Zulu). (I'm English by the
way).
POSTED 7/6/2001
Dan, London, NA, United Kingdom, Male, Mesg ID 742001113416
You can respond by letting the jackasses know exactly what you
went through and how their comments make you feel. Frankly, I can't
see how an adult could be so presumptuous or behave so callously
about such a serious matter. Most Americans haven't had direct
experience with war and may not know how to respond to it, but that's
a reason, not an excuse.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Hallie, Frankfort, KY, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Clerk, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID 75200184356
Being from Dublin, I find the same issues are relevant. They
assume that coming from the Republic, I am a hardline republican. The
only advice I can offer is to do the same as one does when offended
by any other comments: explain that it offends, and educate on why.
Chances are they know nothing of the situation in Northern Ireland
and how it came about. Explain to them that it is very insulting to
you that they assume that you are a person who would support violence
as a means to an end. Tell them it reflects badly on them that they
would joke about something they know nothing about. Make the
comparison (cheap shot, but it might get the point across) of how
entertaining they would find pro-McVeigh jokes about the Oklahoma
bombing. You could also try giving them a brief history of the
situation, and explaining who the various players are. I identify, as
I said, with your issues because while my feelings are that Ireland
should never have been divided, and that Ireland is the whole of the
island, no belief is strong enough, and no piece of land important
enough, to kill for. This might be an extra-difficult premise for
Americans to grasp, considering their own highly combatent national
history. Come to think of it, they can sing all the pro-IRA songs
they like, they are still living in a country that they took with
violence from the people who lived there first...
POSTED 7/6/2001
Iteki, Stockholm (via Dublin), NA, Sweden,
<iteki@valheru.com>, 25, Female, Recovering Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, student, 2 Years of College, Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 76200110458
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Question:
Would most young, 20-something men find it shocking if a woman
told them she was still a virgin at, let's say, 22 years old? Do guys
prefer girls who are more 'experienced,' or are virgins OK?
POSTED 7/2/2001
Charlotte, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 22, Female, Asian, 4
Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 71200155517
Responses:
I'd definitely have no problem with it. In fact, I think it would
be a lot worse for a guy in his early 20s to be a virgin, because
society expects men to be good lovers, no matter what. As a case in
point, women often complain about men who don't (or can't) use their
'equipment' properly. On one hand, 'experience' can make things
easier, but on the other, teaching/learning with a virgin can be a
lot of fun, and part of a deep and meaningful emotional and sexual
relationship.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Michael, Sydney, NA, Australia, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight,
Mesg ID 722001102136
From my experience while in my early 20s, I might have shied away
from virgins for two reasons: First, I was mostly interested in
having sex. Second, I always felt that if a woman was a virgin at 22,
it was probably very important to her to 'save' it for someone with
long-term potential (whether that was true, I don't know). I never
viewed myself as the settling-down type in my early 20s, and would
have felt a lot of guilt over possibly taking something important
from a nice woman and then dropping the relationship in pursuit of
other sexual partners. Now, at 29, I would view your virginity as a
very attractive quality. People shouldn't be shocked about it because
there are many virgins in their 20s. Most young men might prefer more
experienced girls for casual sex. But not too many of my friends
suggest that they are looking for a partner who's 'been around.'
POSTED 7/6/2001
Tim, Milwaukee, WI, United States, 29, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
732001115638
If a 22-year-old girl told me she was a virgin, I might wonder
why. I would be concerned about the reasons behind this. I don't
think the 'lack of experience' is really an issue, because in most
rewarding sexual relationships, people have to grow together and
learn about each other, meaning that prior experience isn't
necessarily of great value.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Phil, London, NA, United Kingdom, 27, Male, Wiccan,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Mesg ID 742001123856
What exactly do you mean by 'are virgins OK'? It's a bit
ambiguous. If you mean 'will a man go out with me and agree not to
have sex,' this will almost certainly depend on their and your
religious backgrounds. If, on the opposite end of the spectrum of
possibility, you are asking if a man will agree to sleep with you
'even though' you are a virgin, I think you will find in most cases
the answer to be, 'Yes please!' If you are in a relationship with a
man and give him your virginity (hey, I'm assuming this is your case
you're bringing up;; if not, sorry!) at 22, IF he's got any brain, he
will be greatly flattered and touched and realize he means a lot to
you.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Matthew, London, NA, United Kingdom, 29, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 72200140210
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Question:
How do Christian Scientists really view homosexuality? Is it
completely incompatible with being a member of the religion?
POSTED 7/2/2001
Anna P., London, NA, , 22, Female, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Writer, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
722001104444
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Question:
Why is it that they say that people with red hair have a
temper?
POSTED 7/2/2001
Marksam, Rhyl, NA, United Kingdom,
<markheyward@talk21.com>, 40, Male, Agnostic, White/Caucasian,
Gay, Counselor, Over 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
722001113059
Responses:
I doubt anyone really knows why this myth started, but I do
wonder if it has something to do with red-headed Vikings. I guess it
is possible that there is genetic linkage between red hair and a bad
temper, but I have a feeling it's more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My grandmother still gets away with temper tantrums by blaming it on
her 'coloring' - even though it now comes out of a bottle!
POSTED 7/6/2001
B.B., Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom, 26, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, PhD Student, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 73200143721
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Question:
Some African tribes wear plates on their lower lips. Does it
hurt, and how do they eat and drink?
POSTED 7/2/2001
Francis, Frankfurt, NA, Germany, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
722001125353
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Question:
In the middle of a discussion with a gay friend, I said
something like, 'That'll be something to tell your children about'
and then immediately wondered whether I should have said it. Most of
my straight friends (students in their early 20s) have a fairly clear
idea about whether they want children. I assume that gay men and
women have the same desire to be parents as straight people, but do
they worry about the difficulties they might encounter? I guess what
I'm asking is whether mentioning parenthood in the context of gay
relationships is a 'touchy' subject or not.
POSTED 7/2/2001
Jessica N., Berkshire, NA, United Kingdom, 21, Female,
Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Straight, University student, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 72200185927
Responses:
I don't think it's ever a problem to bring up something that a
person would have thought about, and most people who are gay and out
would have no problem with being asked about that, as long as it were
asked sensibly. The questioner should be aware that loads of gay
people do have grandchildren! 'Do you have kids?' is sensible enough
to ask, but obviously if a person is in the closet, it would be best
not to embarrass them by asking anything about families at all.
POSTED 7/5/2001
Tony, London, NA, United Kingdom, <Granada65@aol.com>, 56,
Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian, Gay, diversity manager, Over 4 Years
of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 732001101303
What I would have initially thought is that this person doesn't
really know me that well. After some time, I would have found it a
harmless cliche used to denote some psychologically defining moment
in someone's life. Some gay people want children, a lot don't. We
come with a different set of operating instructions for life. We have
a choice, whereas I don't think straight people get much of a choice.
And more importantly, they don't think much of the sacrifice to their
self-development that raising children infers. I wouldn't read too
much into your use of the cliche, but you might be commenting on your
own thoughts on children and what they mean to you.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Matthew, New York, NY, United States, 43, Male, Gay, Mesg ID
73200151640
You shouldn't assume that anyone, heterosexual or gay, is going to
have children. However, because many gay couples have kids, there is
no harm in mentioning having children to gay single people or
couples. Use the same standards for everyone.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Frank, Washington, DC, , 25, Male, Methodist, white Southerner,
Gay, statistician, Over 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg
ID 732001102941
If I were the one you had said it to, my reactions would be mixed.
I would be pleased and think you were cool that you had not
automatically assumed that children were not part of my plans and
hopes. I would also be glad you didn't 'think before you spoke,' if
you know what I mean. I'd rather someone say something slightly
questionable with the right intentions than go through a conversation
constantly ensuring their own political correctness. But I would also
have been a little sad inside, because I know there are a bunch of
people out there who are making decisions that affect whether I can
have children and raise them in the security a little person needs.
But I would still receive the comment very favorably.
POSTED 7/6/2001
Iteki, Stockholm (Via Dublin), NA, Sweden,
<iteki@valheru.com>, 25, Female, Recovering Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, student, 2 Years of College, Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 762001125130
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Question:
As an African-American female, I am curious to know what men of
other ethnic groups think of us. Would you date us? Why or why
not?
POSTED 6/29/2001
Kiea, Montgomery, AL, United States, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, secretary, 2 Years of College, Mesg
ID 628200125737
Responses:
I can talk to you as a white Caucasian (racially) and
Hispanic/Latino (ethnically). First, I imagine that by 'us' you mean
'black,' right? Well, I have dated Venezuelan women of all races
(from white-bred redheads to black). White Hispanics differ from
white Americans, though; down here, if a girl is hot, she's hot, no
matter what color. There's really not much racism down here, except
in some specific cases. Now, if I were to MARRY a black woman, then
maybe my family and friends would try to subtly dissuade me, but you
asked only about dating. So the answer from this Hispanic-Latino is a
resounding YES! By the way, I believe I can also speak for the brown
Hispanics and black Hispanics. Oh, and they WILL marry without any
second thoughts.
POSTED 7/2/2001
Nelson. A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 32, Male, White/Caucasian,
Lawyer/Business, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 629200180826
I can't speak for anyone else, but if I think you're fine and we
have enough in common, I would date an African-American female.
Actually, I think brown skin is pretty sexy, but I don't like real
dark women. I have asked a couple I have worked with in the past,
with no good luck. P.S. If you're in the Detroit area, let me know.
POSTED 7/2/2001
Doug, Detroit, MI, United States,
<phillips_d82@hotmail.com>, 38, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Engineer, 2 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
630200170456
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