Best of the Week
of July 16, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of July 16, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
Is it normal for a woman to have tiny bumps on the skin of her
nipples?
POSTED 7/19/2000
John, Redmont, MA, United States, 21, Male, White/Caucasian, student,
4 Years of College , Upper middle class,Mesg ID 7192000122846
Responses:
The bumps are the ends of the mammary ducts. There are about 20
of these on each nipple, and they help drain milk from different
segments of the breast. Some women's are more noticeable than others,
but unless there's some unusual inflammation or redness around them,
they're fine.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Becca S., St. Paul, MN, United States, <freudella@yahoo.com>,
34, Female, Unitarian, White/Caucasian, Straight, Writer/Technogeek,
Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 7192000104222
Yes, they are normal. They are called Montgomery glands.
POSTED 7/21/2000
J.B.S., Corvallis, OR, United States, Mesg ID 719200070027
If you are talking about the skin surrounding the nipple, the
areola, yes it is normal. The areola is the circular part around the
nipple itself, generally the same color as the nipple. The skin is
roughened, which is what you may be thinking are bumps. Depending on
the person, the nipple may also be 'wrinkled.' This is more
noticeable on a woman when her nipples aren't erect. Perhaps either
one of these is what you are thinking of as bumps. Regardless,
nipples are a lot like snowflakes: No two are the same. If a woman
has breastfed a child, her nipple will, most likely, be different
than it was a year before breastfeeding. If you're worried about
something you've noticed on your partner, you might want to ask her
about it. Only she can tell if it's normal, seeing as how none of us
responding have seen this woman's nipples (most likely).
POSTED 7/21/2000
Stacey, Boston, MA, United States, <stimply@bigfoot.com>, 28,
Female, Middle class, Mesg ID 719200054608
Yep, indeed it is - as long as you are talking tiny bumps...
POSTED 7/21/2000
Iteki, Stockholm, NA, Sweden, <iteki@chickmail.com>, 24,
Female, Recovering Catholic, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 719200035312
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Question:
Why are the vast majority of over-the-road truckers from the South?
Is there anything in particular about this occupation that appeals to
Southerners?
POSTED 7/19/2000
Dave, Las Cruces, NM, United States, Male, Mesg ID
718200013759
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Question:
I am utterly frustrated. I am a 31-year-old attractive, successful
woman who happens to use a wheelchair. Like any human being, I am
capable of love and intimacy and want very much to share my life with
someone. However, I have found that, in general, men are either
afraid of or intimidated by me. Some even give me looks like 'Yeah,
right, I don't think so.' It is very hurtful to experience a barrage
of rejection on a daily basis. I have many friends and am an actress
and singer. Through all of my many exciting experiences, I have yet
to meet someone to be with. Why is this a problem for men? Do you
guys really think you would be looked at as pathetic if you dated a
woman in a wheelchair? Do you honestly think a woman in a wheelchair
is unable to have sex?
POSTED 1/31/2000
Maria J. C., Bridgewater, NJ, United States, 31, Female,
White/Caucasian, Straight, use wheelchair, High School Diploma ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 817199925821
Responses:
I am dating a woman in a wheelchair, and we have a great and
normal relationship. Other than the fact that she is in a wheelchair,
there is nothing different about our relationship. We have a great
sex life, and yes, she is very able to have great sex; in fact, I
think she enjoys it more than I do. So to all those people in
wheelchairs who are afraid they won't find anyone or that no one will
want them, never fear. You will find someone. And to those who avoid
people in chairs, shame on you. You might as well avoid people of
different heights, or colors.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Michael, Denver, CO, United States, 27, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Technical School , Middle class, Mesg ID
717200011636
Personally, I am attracted to women in wheelchairs. There's a
whole wide world out there, so don't be discouraged.I believe there
is someone for everybody.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Stephen, Sydney, NA, Australia, Male, Mesg ID 77200015643
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Question:
Are Christians inherently masochistic? I was watching this
documentary on S&M, and they drew a relationship between basic
Christian doctrine and sado-masochism. Does anybody understand the
correlation between the two?
POSTED 7/19/2000
Fionna, London, NA, United Kingdom, 24, Female, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, student, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
718200011554
Responses:
I don't know what kind of documentary you were watching, and I
don't see how anyone can make a correlation between Christianity and
masochism. One has nothing to do with the other. A Christian is
someone who believes and accepts the death, burial and resurrection
of Jesus Christ as full payment for their sins and has asked to be
forgiven. Period. Where does masochism enter in?
POSTED 7/21/2000
Redeemed1, Newport News, VA, United States, 52, Female, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 7202000104006
Is it inherent in Christianity? No. Influenced? Perhaps. I was
raised Catholic and am drawn to S & M. I've read a lot of
literature and testimonials about it, practiced it and met numerous
people in the S & M community. Most of the S & M people I've
met, as well as the insider-writers on the subject, come from a
Christian or Jewish background, with a spectrum of indoctrination
ranging from none to strict. All are atheistic and embrace a certain
hedonism frowned upon by any religious upbringing. That said, Judaism
and most sects of Christianity tend to value suffering. Think of the
historical persecution of the Jews whose events are commemorated in
Jewish holy days, and all the martyrs in the Catholic gallery of
saints. In addition, most Christian religions teach that any sex
outside of marital reproduction is a sin that deserves punishment.
For me, the pleasure of sex combined with the indoctrination that
it's a sin (and that suffering is good) took me to a place where sex
with punishment and suffering is more exciting than 'vanilla' sex.
But maybe my Catholic upbringing had nothing to do with it, and I
just like S & M. I'm convinced that few or none of my fellow
alumnae from convent school like S & M, and that the vast
majority of ex-Christians, Christians and Jews I know do not practice
S & M or fantasize about it. S & M is an expensive hobby
requiring leisure time, toys and (for some) professional services.
It's definitely more popular in Protestant cultures with mature
economies, e.g. England, Germany, the Netherlands and United States.
This skewed popularity may have more to do with money than religion.
There's also a theory that abuse and incest survivors are drawn to S
& M, but I think the sociologic statistics crunch out the same:
Some are, most aren't.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Name withheld, San Francisco, CA, United States, 40, Female,
Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Computer Technician, 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 7202000125002
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respond
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Question:
A friend of mine has been arrested and is looking at some prison
time. He's already in city jail and is not having an easy time. He is
white, originally from Russia. I'm curious if white guys always have
it hard in prison, and how they could get over it. Do they have to
kill assaulters, or can they just fight them off?
POSTED 7/19/2000
Mickey, Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, NY, United States, 18, Male, Mesg
ID 718200025414
Responses:
First, I'd like to say I'm sorry for your friend's misfortune.
Maybe he's guilty of the crime for which he's been convicted, but the
prospect of prison is not something I'd wish on anyone. I've read
some abstracts about how to survive in prison in the course of my
human rights work. From what I've read, it seems that it depends on
what kind of prison your friend is going to -Minimum, Medium or
Maximum. The first two might indicate less-crowded conditions, and
less stress among the population, so less potential for violence. In
a less violent population, it's possible that your friend might have
more of an opportunity to 'do his own time' and be left alone, as
long as he doesn't bother anyone else. No matter what level of
security the prison happens to be, however, it's possible that your
friend will have to defend himself, anyway. In terms of his
ethnicity, some will maintain that the only way to be safe is to
split along ethnic lines, that you don't have a choice. Most white
prisoners align themselves with the Aryan Brotherhood. This is in
exchange for protection from others not of the Brotherhood. The
blacks sometimes split among the gang affiliations to which they
belonged on the streets, but if something happens between a white and
a black, chances are that there will be a moratorium on gang
separations. Hispanics also have a gang. If your friend prefers not
to join with anyone, and even if he does, he may, indeed, have to
fight. Even if he loses, it will show that he's not willing to simply
let others take advantage of him - and people will be testing him
right away. It can be something as minor as trying to take his food,
or something as major as trying to make him a 'punk,' i.e. a
surrogate woman. I can't offer more specific advice unless I know
what he's going in for or how long he'll be there or what kind of
prison he's going to. Some prisoners, i.e., pedophiles and
child-murderers, are hated by everyone, and likely won't be helped by
any other group, no matter what their ethnicity. I'll pray for your
friend, and I hope he'll be OK.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Jennifer R., St. Paul, MN, United States, <DKFLWR@aol.com>, 29,
Female, Humanist, Black/African American, Straight, Writer/Student, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 720200040931
It depends on several things: 1) Whether he is a lightweight or a
heavyweight. If he's a (no disrespect intended) punk, then he'll be
treated as such. But if he's a pretty tough guy with a sharp mind, he
can build his reputation and gain respect. 2) How many other whites
are in the pen he's going to. If it's 8 percent white and the rest
black and Latino, he'd probably be in big trouble. But if whites are
a sizeable population, he may be able to fit in. Also, there is a
growing Russian criminal presence on the East Coast, and he would
probably be able to find refuge without too much looking. 3) How
young he is. Young guys who go in fresh and who committed minor
crimes (burglary, stealing cars, etc.) usually get it the worst. But
if he's a crusty, middle-aged guy who goes in for robbing a bank,
he'd probably be left alone. 4) How well he is able to stay
inconspicuous. One does have to hang with one's respective race and
honor the respective heads (leaders), but it is best to retain a low
profile and try to avoid as much trouble as possible. Hopefully the
most he'd ever have to do to stay on their good side is back them up
in a riot or go beat some guy up. What he'll want to do is keep his
behavior record good, or else he'll be doing more time than it
already looks like. All in all, prison is a terrible place. Take
note, kids. Do whatever it takes to stay out of it.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal,
Hispanic/Latino, Student, 2 Years of College , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 720200024457
Have your friend prepare himself for even harder times. Some of
the friends I grew up with made the same dumb choices your friend
did. They always said city jail is much easier than actual prison.
The violence in prison is so extreme it's almost impossible to
exaggerate. Being white has little to do with how hard or easy his
time will be. Prisons try to keep the different groups as segregated
as possible, and the inmates further choose to segregate themselves.
Russians stick together, Italians stick together, Jamaicans, Black
Muslims, etc. Most fights and rapes happen between men of the same
ethnic background - unless he is dumb enough to try to get into one
of the prison gangs. So the people he should fear most look just like
him and will be the ones trying to fight him and f*** him. The prison
gangs use racist fears (very successfully) to get recruits or get
people to pay for protection. No, he should not kill his attacker,
unless he has no choice. Think about it: That would just lengthen his
stay and/or get him thrown in solitude and/or get other people trying
to take revenge. But he shouldn't back down, either; that will just
make things worse. Hopefully, the bad experiences will teach him the
most important thing - to never do anything that would get him sent
back there.
POSTED 7/21/2000
A.C.C., W Lafayette, IN, United States, Mexican and American Indian,
Mesg ID 720200015708
When I worked as a corrections officer in a maximum security
prison in California, it was not my perception that white guys had a
harder time than anyone else. There are a few distinct groups among
the whites, like the bikers and the skinhead/white supremacists, but
not everybody belonged to these groups. Other races have gangs of
their own, but like I said, not everyone belongs to a gang. Some of
the inmates are intimidated into joining these gangs because they are
told that bad things will happen to them if they don't. These gangs
will offer the inmate 'protection' if they join the gang, but once
they join they will be pressured to do things that they don't
necessarily want to do and end up getting more time. As far as how to
handle a situation where the inmate is being targeted, he should
stand up for himself and possibly ask the staff to be relocated to
another housing unit. It is definitely not necessary to kill the
aggressor. It would be a very short-sighted solution, and in fact,
would make your friend's situation a lot worse.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Michell, Dayton, OH, United States, 33, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
720200010953
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Question:
Why don't Chinese restaurants have windows?
POSTED 7/17/2000
Rackula, Windsor, MI, Canada, 30, Female, Agnostic, White/Caucasian,
Straight, chef apprentice, Technical School, Middle class, Mesg ID
715200041358
Responses:
I love Asian cuisine. There are many Chinese restaurants in the
Baltimore area, and every one I've been in has windows. In places
like New York, some restaurants are located in the basements of old
buildings with areaway entrances, but if they have no windows, it's
due to architecture, not ethnicity.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Laura, Bel Air, MD, United States, 39, Female, White/Caucasian,
writer/teacher/editor, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 7172000110409
According to Feng Shui as I understand it, a window is a
passageway. While one is enjoying the bounty of a good meal, one
would want a mirror to reflect bounty, rather than a window to let
good energy pass through.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Beth, Buffalo, NY, United States, <bethipoo@yahoo.com>, 33,
Female, Jewish, Mexican/EasternEuropean Ashkenazic, Straight,
Advertising Agency Network Manager, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 7192000100731
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Question:
Why do they say male gynecologists have a dead sex life? Is it true,
or is it just another myth?
POSTED 7/17/2000
Melinda, San Diego, CA, United States,
<lonelygirl_007@yahoo.com>, 24, Female, Christian, Asian,
Straight, student, Over 4 Years of College , Upper class, Mesg ID
715200042959
Responses:
I read somewhere that they have the highest rate of
infidelity.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Lili, San Francisco, CA, United States, Female, Mesg ID
717200092010
My OB/GYN has four kids. Go figure.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Laura, Bel Air, MD, United States, 39, Female, White/Caucasian,
writer/teacher/editor, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,Mesg ID
7172000110517
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Question:
Why is it that there are, in my area, an above-average number of
red-headed Causasian women involved in relationships with black
men?
POSTED 7/17/2000
Oliver, Savannah, GA, United States, <oliver@rocketship.com>,
39, Male, Black/African American, Straight, Mesg ID
715200045116
Responses:
I don't know the answer, but thought as a redhead I should speak
up. I've never seriously dated a black man. Although I would consider
it, I've never met the right one. Also, I've always assumed that most
black men weren't attracted to me.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Jennifer C., Arlington, VA, United States, Female, redhead, Mesg ID
719200042300
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Question:
I've noticed that black people in my predominantly black neighborhood
tend to be very open about the use of marijuana. They will often sit
outside in front of their door or out on the apartment steps and
smoke blunts or joints. This seems to be socially acceptable, even to
the point of smoking in front of young children. Now I don't have a
problem with pot smoking (I smoke myself), and I find that
pot-smokers tend to be mellower and more friendly (I'd take
pot-smoking neighbors over drunk neighbors any day), but I'm
wondering what the view of pot is among black communities. It seems
to be so casual and open (whereas in white communities, you really
have to hide it). What do black people feel about the fact that so
many of their own people are going to prison for such a widespread
activity?
POSTED 7/17/2000
Sarah I., Tampa, FL, United States, 22, Female, White/Caucasian,
graphic designer, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 715200095509
Responses:
First, I'd like to posit that black people who are incarcerated
on drug charges are not going because they were smoking pot. That is,
unless they're selling large quantities, or growing, which is the
same reason whites are incarcerated with regard to weed. As far as
usage, most blacks who smoke blunts, whether out on the stoop or not,
are part of the rap/hip-hop subculture. These folks tend to have kind
of a low-grade defiance underpinning whatever they choose to do. I
guess the attitude might be, "Well, I have to fear the law anyway,
and I just ain't gonna let 'em scare me all the time." Kind of a
'bring it on' type thing. Resignation, maybe. In terms of smoking in
front of young children, in my ganja days, I noticed that white
people also didn't bother to hide the fact that they were smoking in
front of them. They just did it in the house, or in a crowd of people
large enough that it would be more trouble than it was worth for any
police presence to figure out where 'that smell' was coming from.
POSTED 7/18/2000
Jennifer R., St. Paul, MN, United States, <DKFLWR@aol.com>, 29,
Female, Humanist, Black/African American, Straight, Writer/Student, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 717200071600
Where I'm from, it appears that pot smoking is not a particularly
well-hidden habit among white people at all. During college and
after, I have known a host of white people who openly, publicly
embody the 'stoner' image complete with bong on the coffee table and
joint in the purse. My white parents smoked pot in front of me, too.
And they are mainstream, non-hippy people. Perhaps the reason black
people are 'going to prison for such widespread activity (if that
really is why they're going to prison)' lies in the law enforcement
and judicial system (racial biases and whatnot), since, in my
observations, I have not noticed any discrepancy of the type you're
suggesting.
POSTED 7/18/2000
Lisa, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class,Mesg ID 717200073713
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Question:
How do other big women handle nasty comments made about their weight
in public? I have had men (and it has always been men) call out 'fat
bitch' to me on the street, and other nasty, crude comments. Most
people's advice is 'just ignore it, just don't let it bother you.'
That's easy to say when you're not the one who gets called a 'fat
bitch' in public. And to men who do this sort of thing, do you have
any understanding of how humiliating and hurtful being treated like
this is?
POSTED 7/14/2000
Jenny, Wellington, NA, New Zealand, 35, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Librarian, Technical School, Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 7122000122057
Responses:
Kia Ora, Jenny. I haven't engaged in such behavior since grade
school, but I've made it an odd habit of mine to study these sort of
things. I believe it is one of the roots of human nature to treat
differently those who are different from what the society considers
'normal.' I know that in New Zealand, there is quite a bit more of an
emphasis on being thin or athletic than here (one of my best friends
is a Kiwi). Anyone who doesn't fit the mold is taken note of, and
much like the malformed chick who is pecked to death by the mother
hen, society chews them up and spits them out. It's not just with
weight problems: it can be facial features, hair, voice, mannerisms,
intellect, socialization within pop culture or any number of things,
regardless of whether it's within the person's control. I reckon the
best path is to realize they are ignorant and know not what they do.
Most people grow out of it by the time they leave grade school, but
some just never learned.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Dan, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal,
Hispanic/Latino, Student, 2 Years of College , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 714200080557
I say take a lesson from your African-American sisters. A while
back there was discussion on Y Forum about how white women have
trouble with their self-esteem if they are not 'skinny,' but that
black women seldom seem to. The consensus(and I would agree) was that
black women in America like their bodies more and don't obsess as
much about being the 'perfect size 6.' Personally, I think a few
extra pounds are very attractive. More curves to appreciate
POSTED 7/17/2000
Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, 47, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, contract employee, 4 Years of College,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 716200043226
Jenny, I'm sorry you had to go through such unpleasantness. Those
guys are a**holes. I never have understood such behavior. I remember
in my college dorm when some of the guys thought it would be funny to
put "No Fat Chicks" signs on everyone's door because female college
students sometimes cut through our dorm to get out of the cold on
their way to class. I thought, 'Why try to make people feel bad?' I
went around and tore down all the signs and threw them away. This
seemed to perplex the pigs who posted them. I think maybe such
behavior makes the men feel macho or something. Blame society as well
as them.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
719200012814
I'm in the same boat as you and it sucks! Why should we care what
people we don't even know say and think about us? As if the people
who are calling out names are so attractive themselves. Nine times
out of 10 they are ugly (outside and in). If you find ignoring them
difficult, or if it's not making you feel in control of the
situation, then don't ignore them. Do what makes you feel good. Shout
'skinny wanker' or 'I'm not a bitch, I'm lovely' back with as much
venom as you can. These people are so used to us fat people being the
victim that I bet they fall over with shock when you don't behave
like one. Also, if you stop acting like a victim, you'll stop feeling
like one too.
POSTED 7/21/2000
B.B., Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom,
<Elizabeth.Baines@bbsrc.ac.uk>, 26, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, PhD Student, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg
ID 719200080645
I have to tell you that this is a really hard topic for me. I have
been overweight my entire life, but in the last few years I have
managed to drop 170 pounds (I don't know how that translates to
kilos, sorry) due to illness, and am now just chubby rather than
obese. I went from a size 30 to a 12. I cannot get the idea that I am
obese out of my head. I have been taunted, physically abused (an
ex-boyfriend once grabbed my gut and twisted it, threatening me to
lose weight), and embarrassed beyond belief. I am still uncomfortable
with my body because I now have pouchy skin where the fat once lived.
I find that meditating on my good qualities seems to help, but I will
never, ever forget the sting of hatred against my body. I wish I
could give you advice - remember that you are a good person and love
yourself. I know that's hard, but just hold your head high and move
on. PS - Been to Wellington - the restaurant portions are huge and
delicious. That can't be easy, either!
POSTED 7/21/2000
Beth, Buffalo, NY, United States, <bethipoo@yahoo.com>, 32,
Female, Jewish, Eastern European Ashkenazic/Mexican, Straight,
Advertising Agency Manager, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 717200045809
Such comments must really hurt. And though I'm ashamed to admit
it, I'll be honest: There are times I find myself reacting negatively
to those I see who are severly overweight, though I don't ever say
anything to anyone. It makes me pause, and realize the problem, and
look at the situation differently. So I have to ask myself: 'Why? Why
do people react negatively to those who are overweight?' All I can
come up with are two possible answers:
1. It's culturally coded: somehow, somewhere, society tells us it not
desirable to be overweight - although, with the exception of health
reasons - it shouldn't matter as long as you're happy. Right? Yet,
anyone who 'falls out of the norm' is seen as different: hence,
undesirable. This is a terrible knee-jerk reaction and very wrong.
Those who can't reign in their reactions are just plain ignorant.
They can't see the human first. Until a person can truly understand
and look at himself/herself, he/she will always be a slave to
kneejerk reactions.
2. Those who make hurtful comments about others are afraid. Either
afraid of becoming what they see, or, more than than likely, afraid
of their own worst self being exposed. So they divert the attention
to someone else to enhance their own self-worth. They are reacting
out of their hurt/insecurity.
Either way, these people are slaves to their own hurt and ignorance.
Really sad, huh? Take this information as consolation that people who
act/react to people for no good reason other than the other person is
overweight are slaves to their own unenlightenment. Also, I've heard
of other people handling those who've been mean to them with a little
dose of honesty mixed with sympathy. For example, a person who had a
roommate who was always harsh to everyone countered her sarcastic
barbs with, 'Was someone really mean to you as child?' or 'You must
be having a really bad week to react/act the way you've been acting.'
Whether you say something or not is not the point. Just know it's not
you, it's them. If you're happy with who you are, that should be all
that matters.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Dawn, Boston, MA, United States, 31, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Admin Asst/Student, Over 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 717200042124
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Question:
Why does it seem that many white people don't understand that blacks
in America are the only race of people who were stripped of religion,
culture and heritage? Or that we were forced into adopting their way
of living? Or how frustrating it is to not know our ancestory and
where in Africa we come from? White people can trace their geneology,
but when blacks try, the furthest we ever get back to is the
slaveship. Can a white person explain to me why he or she may never
have thought, "Maybe this is why blacks in America have so much hate
inside"?
POSTED 7/14/2000
MIke A., Brooklyn, NY, United States, 25, Male, Black/African
American, Straight, college student, 4 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 7122000115632
Responses:
I hate to tell you, but black Americans are NOT the only group of
people that was oppressed. History is filled with examples of one
group oppressing another for no better reason than that they could
get away with it. Blacks are not much different from any of a hundred
other races or ethnic groups. It does not serve any purpose to bring
attention to your past problems by pretending to be unique; it would
be better to spend your energy bettering yourself. Moreover, not all
blacks in America are angry. I know quite a few who can recognize the
futility in trying to punish the present generation for the sins of
100 years ago. They've learned to get a life; you should do the same,
too.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 41, Male, Engineer, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 717200030232
I agree that many white people don't understand the reason black
people have so much hate. I believe many have the attitude that
'slavery is over, it's not our fault, it happened and it would never
happen today so get over it...' I have NO tolerance for racism of any
kind, and feel for any victims of it, black or white. It's got to be
frustrating not to be able to track your geneology, and all of the
issues surrounding that. Slavery was the most horriffic period in our
country for black people, and I think most white people agree on
that. I don't, however, think that those white people who are blind
to what happened back then mean to be; it just doesn't pop into our
minds every day. I don't look at someone and immediately decipher
whether they're black or white and then whether to feel sorry for
them. I don't look at any ethnicity and think about what their
ancestors went through. It doesn't mean I don't care. I love all
people.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Jodie S., Detroit, MI, United States, 27, Female, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Support Executive, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 715200085524
Genealogy is my hobby, and I have often thought it must be
especially hard to be a black genealogist in America, because the
records would only go back so far. I think we have a need to know
where we came from (look at the years of searching that adopted
children go through to find their birth parents), and I can see that
it would be very frustrating to not even know what country your
ancestors came from. I don't understand the hate thing, though. The
slave owners are long dead, and living white Americans may have their
genetic material, but you can't inherit sin. Who exactly do you hate,
and why? In my family tree, there is at least one guy who owned
slaves, several men who fought on the Union side of the Civil War and
a couple who fought on the Confederate side. I don't regard them as
evil or good. I think they were a product of what they were taught by
their parents and pastors and leaders of that time. Are you hating
all white Americans because of what their ancestors might have done?
Do you hate me? Do you hate my two-year-old daughter? Will all of
your descendants hate all of my descendants?
POSTED 7/17/2000
Amy, Charleston, WV, United States, 28, Female, Baptist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Lab Tech, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
714200080547
I'm not trying to say this makes your feelings any less important,
but Australian Aboriginals have to deal with many of these same
problems, as far as I can tell. But I don't know about Aboriginals
having so much hate inside. Again, as far as I can tell, being a
white person, they just want to be treated fairly and have people
recognize that life in Australia didn't start 200 years ago {with the
arrival of the Brits}. Reconciliation, in other words. I don't think
I have the capacity to understand your problems at all, because I'm a
'privileged white middle-class girl.' It's not that I've never
thought about them - I have - but in the end all I feel I can do
without going over the top is to say I'm so sorry for what my
ancestors did.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Netta, Armidale, NA, Australia, 18, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 714200080230
Mike, I'm glad that more than one person brought up the fact that
African Americans are indeed not the only ones who have been stripped
of language, culture, religion, etc. We black people really need to
check ourselves on this issue, at least with regard to the indigenous
people of this country. To everyone: I don't know whether or not when
black people 'complain' that it has only to do with slavery. When I
have a hard time, it's because I get the sense that I don't really
belong anywhere. I'm not an African, and although I might visit
Africa some day, I would much rather live here than in many places
there. At the same time, I don't feel fully American, either. My
ancestors have likely been here longer than many of the ancestors of
white Americans, and despite the fact that every immigrant group has
had to suffer greatly to fit into the fabric, they have steadily
passed us by. Why? When you're white, and from Italy, for example,
you can learn English with a flawless accent, change your name and
blend in. But with dark skin, there is no way to do so. One of the
first ways to scrape off your 'otherness' as an immigrant was to find
someone else to be 'other' after you. That was always us. You might
be Irish/Italian/Slavic, but at least you weren't a nigger. Something
else I'd like some white people to understand is that 'keeping black
people down' extends *way* beyond slavery. Please stop reducing all
of our feelings down to that. Please stop saying, 'Slavery ended 200
years ago!' without understanding that after a brief period, it was
simply replaced with sharecropping and Jim Crow, which didn't end
until 1965, not to mention all the small ways we've been consistently
fucked over almost every time we've tried to attain something for
ourselves. I think white people have the right to say, 'Don't try to
make me feel guilty for something I had no part in', but please learn
to tell the difference between someone expecting you to feel guilty
and needing to understand that it's your history, too. No one needs
your guilt. I just want people to aknowledge the truth of history.
Screw all those who say you're evil just because you're white. Don't
fall for that shit. But for goddsake, you can't tell us to get over
it when it's not over. You can't tell us to try to change our
circumstances instead of complaining, and then accuse us of
complaining when we agitate!
POSTED 7/17/2000
Jennifer R., St. Paul, MN, United States, <DKFLWR@aol.com>, 29,
Female, Humanist, Black/African American, Straight, Writer/Student, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 714200070443
The majority of slaves were not captured by whites, but purchased
from black Africans. Do you extend your hate to black Africans as
well as white people? If you did, that would be irrational. Black
Africans alive today are not responsible for events that occurred 100
years before they were born - just as white people are not.
POSTED 7/17/2000
Dave, San Francisco, CA, United States, <matsdad@sirius.com>,
36, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight, Manager, Over 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 714200044255
I agree with Jennifer that whites need to make more of an effort
to understand our situation as African-Americans - and I call myself
that because I don't feel like an American, either. This is why there
are Chinese-Americans, Mexican- Americans and other
'Hyphen-Americans.' Whites seem to want to sweep all the wrongs they
do under the historical rug, from the theft of the New World by the
Portuguese, Spanish, British and others to the theft and
'colonization' of major portions of Africa, the Middle East and the
Far East. 'Let it go,' they say. 'That was in the past,' they whine.
How conveniently they forget that it has been only within my lifetime
that blacks in the United States have even been able to freely vote,
or that there has been only one generation after mine in which 1) we
have not had to endure the fear of not being able to love who we
wanted because of miscegenation laws, 2) we can buy a house wherever
we can afford to, 3) we can eat anywhere we choose, or 4) shop
anywhere we like. It really hasn't been that long. And to answer Dave
about the slave trade: while it seems true that there were blacks
sold by other blacks into slavery, who were the ones doing the
buying? Even the best salesman cannot sell if there are no customers.
Bringing up this fact is nice historically, but I have found that
whites who do this act like the little boy who points at his dog when
his mother confronts him about the lamp he just broke. There is no
absolution or lessening of guilt here. One more thing: I think that
the road to healing and forgiveness can be traveled by all races much
more smoothly if those doing the wrong to others simply stopped.
People would have no reason to bring up the past if it were also not
the present. When I can look my children in the eye and tell them
truthfully that the color of their skin means nothing in this
society, and that only the color of their souls does, then I will
'Let it go.' Not before.
POSTED 7/19/2000
Ron, El Cajon, CA, United States, 38, Male, Agnostic, Black/African
American, Straight, Artist, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 717200022053
It isn't that we don't know these things. For me, it is rather the
fact that the shipping of slaves from African occurred almost 200
years ago. I am sure it was terrible, but I notice that instead of
moving forward, there seems to be this desire to relish in the
misery. Being a gay person, I too know something about bigotry and
being denied God, relationships and a fulfilling life. But I try my
best to keep my head high and live my life. Don't get me wrong, I
speak about the injustices my people experience. I believe the Jewish
people have done a good job of moving forward after the Holocaust,
yet never letting us forget what can happen. That only occurred 60
years ago. They have since started Israel, where many have relocated
to make it a powerful country. With respect to researching one's
roots, isn't that more of a reflection on the cultures in Africa than
the current state of affairs in America? In Europe, they have been
recording births, deaths and families for century upon century. Why
African cultures didn't is a question you will have to ask of them.
If I may, there is one question I have always wanted to ask. If so
many Americans of African descent are so unhappy here, have they ever
thought of relocating to Africa? And if they have, why haven't they?
I know the cultures would be very differnt, but over there, there
would be like people, and the good could be taken from here (i.e.
education, business skills, arts)while leaving the racist bad
behind.
POSTED 7/19/2000
Matthew, New York, NY, United States, 42, Male, White/Caucasian,
actor, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
717200090248
The answer is no. Knowing one's heritage is a fact that most white
Americans can and do take for granted. Is it our televisions? Our
families? Our schools? Russell Banks lamented recently (Harpers
Magazine, June 2000, p. 83) that Americans as a whole know little
about what he calls the African Diaspora, the phenomenon of the
African migration and assimilation into post-Civil War America. This
'Creole-American' story is 'the one we all share, regardless of how
we label ourselves on the left side of the hyphen.' We live in a
country dominated by European ideals: free markets and gold medals
and prescription drugs and Hollywood, and maybe that's why I spent
most of my formative years learning about the War of the Roses and
not any time at all on Timbuktu. I feel schools should teach about
our collective origin, as Americans, in Africa. I don't want to feel
that because I am white I cannot be proud of this heritage, which
affects me every day. Just as whites like to think minorities should
know what the House of Tudors was, because descendants of that people
wrote our Declaration of Independence, so too, do I wish I could have
learned about my shared culture in Africa. The history of blacks is
not African-American history, it's American History. With knowledge,
we beget ignorance and hatred.
POSTED 7/19/2000
Scott M., Humacao, Puerto Rico, NA, United States, 25, Male,
Unitarian, White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 7182000100941
I think the real question you should be asking, Mike, is whether
white people can empathize with the plight of black people in this
country. It is one thing to understand (or to say you understand);
it's a whole other issue to feel what another might feel. Especially
if that other person has had experiences in this society that are
different from yours. As a young black female in this country, I know
that I see the world in a different way than say, an 80-year-old
white man sees it. This is something I have come to accept. The only
way to get empathy from someone is if they go through what you go
through. It's possible for a white person to understand what has
happened to black people. But he or she could never feel the same
degree of anger that you and others like you feel, because as a
people, they haven't lived your life or seen the world through your
eyes. That is why it is hard for different cultures to agree on
things sometimes. You always have to combat over-defensiveness.
POSTED 7/19/2000
K.R., Atlanta, GA, United States, Female, Black/African American,
Mesg ID 718200024327
Jennifer's answer is the only logical reply I have ever seen on
this issue. She acknowledges that holding all whites responsible
doesn't cut it, but she also identifies how racism has changed only
its manner, not its intent or outcome in this country. Every day,
black Americans are discriminated against in this country. The
problem is still very prevalent. But the answer is not to copy that
behavior or use a 'blanket blame' policy. The answer is to teach by
example and hold irresponsible behavior accountable as it
happens.
POSTED 7/19/2000
Alma, Kempner, TX, United States, <pridewks@seacove.net>, 47,
Female, Methodist, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, 4 Years of College ,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 718200054932
Africans in America need to start a national web site, so that we
can find our relatives. I'm 58 and have never met my father. I was
three when my parents divorced. All my life I've been aware there's
another side to my family that we'll never know. Black men should
never raise a gun at another black because of the way we were
forcibly separated from our slave ancestors. We have relatives spread
all over this Native land. White people never understand, nor should
we expect them to. We don't understand, either. Also, why are we
always asking if whites understand? They don't and they won't, and
they don't have to. Slavery ended 135 years ago. If you read Forced
Into Glory by Lerone Bennett Jr., you'll see that it hasn't ended one
damn bit. The new slavery is prison. We keep falling for the hype.
Why anybody would get themselves in a prison situation is beyond me.
Shackles, a 7 X 5 cell, overseers, guards, beatings, deviant
behavior, no birds, no trees, no green grass, no snow, etc., seems
worse than death to me. Inmates are locked into these slave quarters
for eternities (some of them). Why? When you get yourself into one of
these quarters, slavery's alive and kicking, and maybe God will help
you. He didn't help Gary Graham. Don't do the crime, and don't do the
time in the Prison Slave Quarters.
POSTED 7/19/2000
H.G., Norwich, CT, United States, Black/African American, Mesg ID
719200042251
The most intelligent piece I've read on racism in the United
States was by an African-American columnist whose essay appeared in a
San Francisco paper's Op-Ed page in late 1995. I'm sorry I don't have
his name and cannot find the article in SF newspaper archives. He
wrote that a black person and a white person discussing racism is
akin to a rabbit and a lion discussing a dog. Certainly they can both
agree that the dog is big, mean and has sharp teeth, but the lion can
never truly understand the constant threat that the rabbit feels. As
a white woman who has done some ignorant, insensitive and racist
things, I now keep this in mind. A little empathy never hurts,
folks.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Monica F., San Francisco, CA, United States, 40, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Computer Technician, 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 721200013957
As a descendant of European Jewish immigrants, I can't trace my
family back much before 1900, let alone to a ship 200 years ago. Your
situation is not unique in that regard. If you feel that is the
source of your (justified) rage, then I suppose I'm entitled to even
more. Fortunately, I don't share your opinion. I have no hatred for
the Germans (the Holocaust), the Russians (pogroms), the Germans
before that (who probably drove my people into Russia), the French
(who drove them into Germany), the Romans who destroyed our Temple,
the Babylonians who exterminated many of our people, nor the
Egyptians who our common Bible says enslaved us. I reserve my anger
for things that can and need to be changed, and history is not one of
them.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States,
<jerryschwartz@comfortable.com>, 52, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 720200051807
Sometimes I think some people don't want others to understand,
whether those people do or not. There is power in oppression. I don't
know lynchings, but I understand gay-bashing and 'quail hunting,' and
everyone saying queers don't love, and those who do get what they
deserve. I've never been called nigger, but I've been called faggot,
pansy, pervert and queer, and those were the nicer ones. I have seen
people fired from their jobs and kicked out of the military for being
gay. I can't marry the person I love, and many churches won't allow
me through the doors because they believe I am an abomination, a
'hateful thing of God.' Violence against gay people is usually
targeted by appearance. An artist friend of mine was gay-bashed twice
in college, but he was straight. They just decided he 'looked gay.'
The 'love that dare not speak its name' has left little history to
look to, because it was suppressed. In fact, being the only gay child
of five makes you feel like a stranger in your own family. When I
say, 'I think I have a general idea of why you are angry,' I often
get the response, 'That's totally different. You can't understand
because you're white.' There were some radicals in ACT UP who, I
imagine, are a little disappointed today because when they protest
for AIDS funding and brutal deaths like Matthew Shepard, they are met
with sympathy and agreement. I think about the loss of culture,
especially during St. Patrick's Day, Octoberfest, etc., and while
most whites cringe at our history for killing off the natives to
slavery, there is a confusion, as if the expectation is to change the
past, leaving you still angry, and me feeling helpless. I encourage
anger, but ask, 'So, what are you going to do about it?' I think
about what we call American Culture, from jazz to blues to cinema to
sports to literature, and think that if anyone deserves to lose the
hyphen and proudly call themselves American, it is those who
descended from slaves, created a new home and have had such an
influence on the rest of us.
POSTED 7/21/2000
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, <cmorris@loft.org>, 36,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
7202000121144
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