Best of the Week
of July 18, 1999
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of July 18, 1999, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from
previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our new database using
our search form, or, in the case of
answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
How do non-stutterers see stutterers? Do you pity them? Do you see
them as regular people you could get to know? Do you regard them as
less-intelligent? Is stuttering funny?
POSTED 7/23/99
Jeff, Andover, MA, United States, <jeffrey_rose@eri.eisai.com>
, 38, Male, Agnostic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Stutterer,
Biologist, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID
7219943518
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Question:
Do most people think leaders of the religions of today are doing a
good job helping others understand and open their hearts to other
religions and people? Or are they mainly trying to show us, by all
means, that there is no other truth but their own? What will happen
to the world if all religions stay stuck in their own world and don't
want to open up to other religions? Should they, or should they not?
Will there be more ethnic cleansing, or will there be a single
religion to replace all others to show the path of the soul and
spirit?
POSTED 7/23/99
Sultan O., Geneva, NA, Switzerland, <sogva@iprolink.ch>, Mesg
ID 7189953958
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Question:
I have noticed some lesbians are very overt about their sexual
orientation in a way that I have trouble describing. It's sort of
angry, sort of in-your-face. I am not talking about holding hands or
kissing in public. For example, there is a lesbian couple at work who
got into some very graphic dancing at a work party (like mimicing
their sex positions). I guess I don't understand why some lesbians
feel the need to act like, "I'm a lesbian!", when I never see
straight people acting like, "I'm straight!" Can anyone help me
understand this?
POSTED 6/28/99
Edna, Yonkers, NY, United States, 31, Female, Straight, Teacher, Over
4 Years of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 62699100156
Responses:
While some of us in the gay community have a rather
"in-your-face" mentality, I don't really know that this is a case of
that. You claim that "I never see straight people acting like, 'I'm
straight'". I beg to differ. Every time I watch a movie, I see 'I'm
straight!', Every time I see photos on co-workers' desks, I see 'I'm
straight!', Every time I go to the beach or pool, I see 'I'm
straight!', Every time I go to community events, I see - yep... 'I'm
straight!'. I think some people are overly sensitive to homosexuals
and us being "ourselves." While I know some of us can be a bit
militant - and I am not suggesting that this is not a case like that
- I ask that we are afforded the same respect as others. A perfect
example of this: You haven't seen - yet - a gay couple in bed or kiss
on primetime TV.
POSTED 7/23/99
Stephen H., Lafayette, LA, United States, 29, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Human Resources Consultant, 4 Years of College
, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 72199101432
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Question:
A teacher/colleague told me that we shouldn't expect black students
to sit still in class and not speak out because their culture
conditions them to be aggressive and active in classroom situations.
Is this true?
POSTED 7/23/99
Julie E., Lincoln, NE, United States, 31, Female, Presbyterian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Educator/Musician, Over 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 72399123618
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Question:
I continually debate wilth myself on whether this is a valid
question, but it's been bugging me for years: Do people in the
richest 1 percent of the U.S. population feel any guilt about
controlling 40 percent of the wealth, while the working class and
poor control less than 10 percent of it (if I remember the correct
figures)?
POSTED 7/21/99
Dan, L.A. County, CA, United States, <aztec_fly@hotmail.com> ,
20, Male, Born-again Pentecostal, Chicano, Pub and restaurant worker,
High School Diploma , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 7209930933
Responses:
Unfortunately, I do not belong to the richest 1 percent or even
close to it. But I do not understand why the "rich" should feel
guilty. Most certainly some people inherit their richness so that it
cannot be said that they "earned" the money. A lot of people make
their money. Why should either feel guilty? I always have the feeling
that the people who believe that the rich should feel guilty are just
jealous, or are looking for an excuse. I will never be rich, but then
again, I am too lazy to put in the effort required.
POSTED 7/22/99
Turk, N/A, NA, Turkey, 57, Male, none, White/Caucasian, 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 72199115009
Although I am far from that category, I'd have to wonder why they
would feel guilty about their wealth. If the wealth were inherited,
then it was totally out of their control. If they earned it
(honestly), why should there be guilt associated with it?
Analogously, should people who are able to access Y? Forum experience
guilt because there is a segment of the population which has no
access to computers or the internet? If there is guilt associated
with wealth, I'd think it would stem from what is done (or not done)
with it.
POSTED 7/22/99
D.N., Seattle, WA, United States, 35, Male, Agnostic, Black/African
American, Gay, Project Manager, 2 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 7219921235
Do they? Who knows - some people feel guilty about anything.
Should they? Not on your life! There is no denying that Capitalism is
the most successful wealth-generating economic system in history. It
is inherent in Capitalism that some will make out better than others.
Indeed, Capitalism depends on people wanting to do better enough to
work hard and be creative and take chances, thereby generating more
wealth for everybody. This is the system we all work in, the
objective we all share and the game we all play. Expecting those who
come out on top to feel guilty is like expecting the Denver Broncos
to feel guilty that none of the other fine AFC teams got to go to the
Super Bowl. Also, a great many of these rich people, Bill Gates being
the ultimate example, have, in the process of amassing their wealth,
created jobs for thousands or (perhaps indirectly) even millions of
others. You may be smarter and nicer and more honorable and in every
way that matters a better person than Bill Gates, but only on the
basis of what he has contributed to the national and global economy,
his billions are well-earned. Now, if they got filthy, stinking rich
by breaking the law, that would be something to feel guilty about.
But that's another matter entirely. PS Please don't send me any 'I
hate Bill' letters. I hate the little egotistical tyrant too - but
there is no denying what Microsoft has done to facilitate the
exponential growth of the computer industry. PPS Does anybody else
recognize how tragic it is that the majority of Americans feel their
only opportunity to achieve economic success comes from buying state
run lottery tickets?
POSTED 7/22/99
James, Oak Hill, VA, United States, <jbrase@csi.stel.com> , 32,
Male, Methodist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 7219963313
I doubt if most of them feel guilty, but I believe they should. I
think I would if I were in their shoes. As for all that nonsense
about them having earned their millions/billions honestly and through
hard work, I say "so what?" Much of what they do is not even socially
useful. (For example, stock market, advertising, violent
entertainment, sugary processed snack food, useless luxury items,
sports stars, etc.) Anyway, the money they do make is made off the
backs of other people. I always find it interesting to compare the
income of the CEO of a company with the salary of the lowest-paid
employee of that company: There's food for thought! It's not about
hard work: There are many poor people who work extremely hard for
what amounts to peanuts. But just to put this in perspective,
everyone in North America, even those on welfare, is incredibly
wealthy when compared with the people of the Third World. We should
all realize that we are in a position of affluence, which we were
born into and did not earn, and we therefore have a responsibility to
try to "even things out" as best we can.
POSTED 7/23/99
C.P., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 21, Female, University student,
Mesg ID 7229992641
Whether someone should feel guilty about their wealth is
debatable, but it is a fallacy to say that our system of Capitalism
is a meritocracy, one that rewards those who work hardest or are most
skilled or intelligent. Of course, some people who are wealthy have
worked hard to earn it, but there are countless others who have the
ability but not the opportunity. A very large proportion of wealthy
people have inherited it down several generations and have lived in
environments more conducive to succeeding, and those who start from
scratch at the bottom can't possibly compete with them. Furthermore,
I really don't see how anyone can believe in Capitalism without
believing in some sort of absurd racial bell-curve; how else can you
explain the stark socioeconomic disparity between white people and
people of color without realizing that exploitation is inherent in
the system? The fact is the the Founding Fathers succeeded in
establishing a legacy of white supremacy through Capitalism, which so
many people trust blindly.
POSTED 7/23/99
Priya, Berkeley, CA, United States, <priya_grewal@yahoo.com> ,
19, Female, Student, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
7229983930
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Question:
For commuting reasons, my partner and I are moving from the city to
an upper middle-class suburb (Eden Prairie, MN). My head is filled
with nasty stereotypes about suburbia. I fear conformity,
materialism, unfriendliness, racism and homophobia. What can we
really expect?
POSTED 7/21/99
Rhiannon, Minneapolis, MN, United States, <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>
, 29, Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, Professor, Middle
class, Mesg ID 7149995452
Responses:
I moved to a middle-class suburb of Milwaukee when I was sorta
young, and I'd just like to tell you that the stereotypes aren't 100
percent true. Oh, sure, there are those perfect, straight-laced
people. There are old women who will gawk and gasp about every little
thing. That's not a lie. But they aren't all like that. My family is
really extremely loose about quite a lot, and it's not like there's
June Cleaver/Carol Brady android-types coming over and attacking us.
There are decent people here, but there are a couple wackos, too. But
isn't that true everywhere?
POSTED 7/22/99
Ne1, Greendale, WI, United States, 15, Female, Mesg ID 7219963114
I live in Sugar Land, a small community on the outskirts of
Houston, Texas. My neighborhood is highly culturally diverse. We have
a large population of Asian Indians, and their presence is wonderful.
I see so many lovely Indian families, including the grandparents,
taking walks in the evenings. When I work out at our community center
gym, it is very unusual to see a group of teens who are all the same
ethnicity. As far as homophobia, I don't know about my neighborhood,
but my parents live in another of Houston's burbs. They have a
same-sex couple on the same street, and it's really no big deal. As
far as conformity, if you live in a "master planned community" your
deed restictions will result in some uniformity in the neighborhood,
but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It sets some minimum
standards for housekeeping. Finally, in some burbs, people don't
interact much on the sidewalks of the neighborhood. Many people have
long commutes and two-income households and just want to crash when
they get home. But these neighborhoods often have community centers
and social and service organizations that act as a means for people
to get to know one another. I hope you enjoy your new home. My hubby
and I love ours!
POSTED 7/21/99
Stacee, Sugar Land, TX, United States, 30, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, TV director, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg
ID 7219990730
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Question:
At what age do most people who cross-dress begin to do it?
POSTED 6/24/99
J.B., West Palm Beach, FL, United States, Mesg ID 6249974231
Responses:
A usually very reserved guy friend of mine indicated an interest
in trying cross-dressing on his 18th birthday - no alcohol involved.
Up until then, he'd seemed to be asexual, and quietly tolerated us
(the girls) raving about Tim Curry. To my knowledge, he hasn't done
anything yet, though we're happy to help if he wants it, which,
strange as it may sound, seems very natural.
POSTED 7/21/99
Auth, London, NA, Canada, 17, Female, Straight, Mesg ID
7209933556
My partner first started to cross dress when he was 20 (about five
years ago). He had wanted to try it since his late teens. I think
this may have been why he moved so far away from home - because he
felt somehow different to other people around him. He was also
worried/confused for a long time about whether he was gay (not that
he is homophobic). He has spent the last few years really discovering
himself and has come to the conclusion he is not gay. I'm not sure
why he does it, but it is a compulsive behavior that makes him very
stressed (almost ill) if he can't or tries not to do it. I think it
may be that he has trouble expressing the "feminine" side of his
character in his role as a man - he is a very masculine kind of male.
And cross-dressing gives him a way to vent this other side of his
personality. In terms of the age thing - he wasn't interested in
dressing up as a female when he was a child.
POSTED 7/22/99
L.B., Glasgow, NA, Scotland, 23, Female, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class,Mesg ID 72199101048
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Question:
How many people are afflicted with pre-Apocalypse/Millennium hype? Do
you feel the world is about to end? If so, who do you think is going
to push the button, and why? And what are you doing about it?
POSTED 7/18/99
Kurt, Boulder, CO, United States, Male, Pagan, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Senior Market Research Analyst, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 679984726
Responses:
Your perceptions are basically correct: Many people around the
world are in a fear state regarding the impending millennium and the
supposition that the "world will end." Sadly, many Christian
believers are responsible for this nonsensical mindset. I do not
claim to have any future knowledge, but I do know this: If one is a
Bible believer, the clearly given set of "marching orders" from God
is to Love thy neigbor, Tell them about God's love and Share with
others what good Jesus had done for you. Even non-believers will be
unoffended if spoken to with genuine brotherly love, rather than dire
warnings and threats of God's wrath. To be sure, if God is really
there, and He really is going to judge people, then those who choose
(of their own will) to deny Him will go to their destiny, anyway. The
Scriptures do portray a fearful "last few years" before the Second
Coming of the Lord. Better to point folks toward reading for
themselves and making up their own minds.
POSTED 7/21/99
Allan, Ottawa, Ontario, NA, Canada, 49, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Audio engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 7199932451
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Question:
What do people think of women who do not shave their legs and/or
armpits? I have heard only extreme views (either from those who
really support it or really do not support it) and want to hear some
views that offer an attempt at a logical reason for holding the view.
I find logic often does not play a role in these things, but would
like to hear people's reasoning behind their views, anyway.
POSTED 7/18/99
Kay, Tampa, FL, United States, 20, Female, Agnostic, 2 Years of
College, Mesg ID 6309992356
Response:
I realize a lot of my opinions on this are nothing more than
cultural conditioning, but I'm turned off by hair on women's legs. I
have less of a problem with armpit hair. I think it comes from
wanting the females I'm with to be smooth and somewhat soft. A great
deal of the attraction men have toward women is that they are
different from us. I view men as hairy, smelly and for the most part
kind of gross - qualities I don't want to have anything to do with. I
think if men had breasts, we wouldn't have the obsession with them
that many of us do. By the way, I prefer that the women I date be
tougher than hell. I hate "girly girls," but I don't want their
toughness to come from looking like the typical testosterone-charged
male. I understand that many women are trying to break out of the
roles that are expected of them, and I support that. It won't change
my preferences, though.
POSTED 7/21/99
Brian, Minneapolis, MN, United States, 33, Male, Straight, Temp, 4
Years of College , Lower class, Mesg ID 71999101436
I can only speak for myself and say that I prefer a shorn woman.
If I were to break it down further, I could say that I don't mind
hair under the arms as long as it's completely grown out and soft,
and am very much against leg hair. The only reasoning I can find for
this is as a cultural extension of evolution. Men are able to grow a
beard so they can be distinguished from women, even at a distance.
Men have grown to appreciate the hairless quality of a woman's face,
and now their bodies. (Of course there's also a large contingent that
finds a woman's shorn pubic hair attractive.) Obviously these are
cultural issues and differ region to region. But perhaps these views
grew as clothing became more revealing. As men could see women's
legs, they wanted them to adopt feminine qualities.
POSTED 7/21/99
Jeff C., New York, NY, United States, 30, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Actor, Mesg ID 7199953307
Shaving my legs and my underarms has been optional for me since my
late 20s. At that time I recognized the unfair contradiction that
women (at least in the United States) are nearly always considered
unclean if they are unshaven but, that men are not. (I recognize that
some businesses require a clean-shaven male face. However, this
requirement is not the same as the societal expectation - or should I
say demand - that women must always appear hairless under their arms
and on their legs.) Furthermore, shaving daily under my arms is
painful, and I am simply not interested in engaging in behavior that
is painful just to meet other people's standards of beauty. Shaving
my legs is simply time-consuming. So now, because I like the way
smooth legs feel, I shave my legs once or twice a week during the
summer; in the winter when I wear pants or tights, I shave my legs
far less frequently. As for my underarms, I shave maybe once or twice
a year - whenever I feel the clean-shaven look is better with my
sense of style of the moment. Such a decision is similar to one
regarding my choice of earrings or shoes. In other words, my shaving
behavior is as much a choice as that made by many men. In closing, I
would like to mention that my significant other doesn't care either
way; when we first met, he was attracted by my sense of independence
and lack of attention to certain societal expectations, and his
attitude hasn't changed. (In fact, when I get in the mood to shave my
underarms, he is always a little startled because it's such a
contrast.) Even though we often have to interact with his business
associates, my chosen hirsuteness has not caused him concern.
POSTED 7/21/99
Kim S., Tempe, AZ, United States, <gibbon@asu.edu> , 34,
Female, Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Graduate student,
physical anthropology, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
7199985912
Since I tend to value non-conformity for its own sake, I rather
admire women who don't shave. I don't see any logical reason to
shave. It is time-consuming, and it just grows back tomorrow. In my
experience, shaving any part of a body (female or male) is more of a
cultural norm related to a society's or individual's esthetic sense
of beauty, gender role conformity and/or sexual attraction. Whatever
a woman chooses to do is fine with me.
POSTED 7/21/99
DykeOnByke, Southfield, MI, United States, <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
, 49, Female, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Engineer, 4 Years of College
, Middle class, Mesg ID 7199991551
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Question:
Do parents of children 20 or younger realize how miserably they have
failed in their duty to discipline and acculturate their children,
and don't they realize they are creating a danger to society?
POSTED 5/3/99
Mark S., Houston, TX, United States, <mseely@wt.net> , 30,
Male, White/Caucasian, Gay, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 4289931526
Responses:
Spanking/hitting/abuse - whatever fancy name you want to call it,
never taught anyone anything - except to do it their own children and
continue a vicious cycle. I never liked getting hit, and I still
don't like it. But narrow-minded people such as my parents and so
many others in society always say "They do it 'cause they love you."
Why don't these people stop lying to themselves and their children?
And here's the Catch-22: You get hit at home, but as soon Johnny at
school picks a fight with you and you beat him up, your parents start
yelling that you can't hit people because it's not right and it's not
fair. Then they hit you for hitting Johnny! Why don't they take a
look in the mirror? Children deal with bad situations the same way
their parents deal with them, yet they are told they are wrong, and
therefore need even more "discipline." If my boyfriend were to hit
me, everyone would tell me to get away from him and call the police.
But if my parents hit me, it's "discipline." This so-called
discipline that I am supposed to get because I'm a kid never made me
respect my parents or other people more. Actually, I have lost all
respect for my parents, and I'm afraid to ever go to them again (and
believe me, I won't). Instead, I turn to what many kids consider a
first home, not a second home: School. At least there I have found a
few people who understand that one should never lay an angry hand on
a child. Whether you call it spanking, discipline, hitting or
whatever, it all falls under one category: A-b-u-s-e. Maybe it's time
everyone heard this message from someone who is still a kid, because
it seems that once everyone gets over 21, they forget what it's like
to be one.
POSTED 7/18/99
Natalie, Chicago, IL, United States, 17, Female, Agnostic, Straight,
High School Student, Less than High School Diploma , Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 7161394015
I was raised in a home with two loving parents who never laid a
hand on me. They did teach me to love, to be happy, to care about
friends and family, right and wrong, etc. Sure I was bad once in a
while and got punished accordingly, but I don't consider myself a
menace to society now. My parents have never failed me, and I think
it is unfair to blame the problems of society on the relatively small
percentage of problem children.
POSTED 7/23/99
Wendy, Fort Worth, TX, United States, 23, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Distribution manager, 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 7219950036
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Question:
What special foods do Mexicans eat during the religious holiday of
Semana Santa (Easter)?
POSTED 4/19/99
A.B., Mesg ID 4199944846
Responses:
In Mexico, during "Semana Santa" (Easter), an old tradition is to
prepare "Capirotada," a delicious mix of bread, cheese, honey,
cinnamon, raisins, onions, tomato, coconut, nuts, peanuts, tortilla,
corn syrup ... I can't even start to remember all of the ingredients.
It is very difficult to prepare, and unfortunately, not many people
know how to prepare it right. Fish and cooked vegetables are also
common: "Nopalitos" (cactus leaves) and that kind of stuff.
POSTED 7/18/99
Fede, Monterrey, NA, Mexico, <radiofutura@netscape.net> , 31,
Male, Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Straight, Software Engineer, 4
Years of College, Mesg ID 5299984521
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Question:
Why is it that such a seemingly large percentage of black people can
dance very well?
POSTED 4/19/99
Kenneth, San Diego, CA, United States, Male, Mesg ID 4199925247
Responses:
As a teacher, I have been asked this question by many brave
(white) children. My thought is that music and dancing are an
important part of black (as well as Latino) culture.
Often, when a child is old enough to stand up, parents will take
them by the hands and bounce them up and down to the music -
"dancing" with them. When I was a young girl, many girls spent
countless hours creating slap-pap rhymes, jump-rope rhythms and
original dances in groups. It is accepted and encouraged in black
society. Growing up, we all watched and danced along with Soul Train,
cranked up the music while washing the car and even danced with the
hose. Boys are encouraged to dance with girls from a young age as
well. There isn't the stigma of "growing up too fast" when dancing in
public, and some dances between boys and girls ages 10-13 can be
downright "grown up." I have not seen the emphasis on music and
dancing in white society. There seem to be more cultural inhibitions
related to dancing. Thus, kids in white families typically get less
practice. Since practice is what makes perfect, it only makes sense
that the kids who practice the most and in the most varied of
settings would end up looking like the best dancers. I always
recommend that, to improve dancing, kids go into their rooms alone
with a radio, and dance with themselves in the mirror. Keep what
looks cool, ditch the odd-looking moves. And watch Soul Train!
POSTED 7/18/99
Stacey, NY, NY, United States, 32, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Publishing, 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 5299921414
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Question:
Recently the Makah Indians participated in a traditional hunt of the
gray whale. There was a great deal of protest during the hunt, and
also a great deal of criticism after the fact. Do you think the Makah
had the right to hunt the whale? Or do you think the criticism was
valid?
POSTED 5/24/99
John K., Cranford, NJ, United States, <the-macs@geocities.com>
, 25, Male, Chemical Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 5219984021
Responses:
Though I understand the Makahs stopped hunting whales years ago,
I still support their action. Like most Native Americans, their
culture is endangered. Because of a myriad of factors, sustaining
traditional culture in modern times is a difficult thing to do.
Getting funding to renew cultural interests is difficult, and young
tribal members are often not inclined to learn a language and system
of beliefs that isn't widely admired by the United States. Symbolic
acts can often regenerate interest in preserving culture and can
unite many people. I believe the whale hunting is a symbolic act for
the Makah and not just a result of their "rights."
POSTED 7/18/99
Jaimie W., Wenatchee, WA, United States, Female, Multiethnic, Mesg ID
5289980344
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