Best of the Week
of July 19, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of July 19, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
R366: Why do many white Americans
(with the exception of Southerners) seem cold and unfriendly? I find
it difficult to make white friends, because I don't get the same
positive responses I do with other ethnic groups. What are some
possible reasons?
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Michela, 23, Latina-Asian female, Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER 1:
I think there could be a
number of reasons, depending on the person you are trying to talk to.
The same thing happens here around New York. I have noticed that it
comes down to discomfort based on "race issues." Sometimes I get
uncomfortable speaking with some of the people here at work because I
do not want to offend them accidentally. Because of the many possible
sources of friction between different ethnic groups and whites, it
can get tricky. And unfortunately, some white people simply do not
like anyone who is not white, despite the silliness of such an
attitude. My suggestion would be to simply continue to be friendly
and open. The right kind of people will relax and come around in
time. The rest are hardly worth your time. One more piece of advice:
Try not to classify one group of whites as friendly and open and
another group as unfriendly. That only adds to the stereotype. I
think you would find that the open nature of whites in the South is
more of a regional thing, and that under that mask they are just like
everyone else. Personal experience has proven that to be true.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
John K., 24, straight Irish-American male, <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE:
I come from an upper
middle-class New England white family. There may be many reasons for
the reserve of whites, but there is a strong cultural component: We
simply value our privacy, and we are hesitant to invade others'
privacy (from our point of view). We can be as open and friendly as
anybody when we get to know you, but until you can cross that
barrier, we would rather keep to ourselves. I don't walk down the
street or eat in a restaurant with the idea that I want to chit-chat
with anyone who comes up to me. The flipside to your question is that
we don't want to be rude by imposing ourselves on you (from our
perspective) too aggressively. It's not rudeness, it's just another
culture. There are individual, regional and class considerations, so
of course you can't generalize. I should also say that this isn't
just a case of whites treating non-whites like this. We treat other
whites this way, too.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Martin P., 42 <mpollard@ix.netcom.com>, El Cerrito, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I recently relocated to the
South, and I am not only disappointed by the lack of that famous
"Southern hospitality" here, but disheartened and appalled by the
hateful and ignorant attitude that characterizes the area where I am
living. I have lived all over the country and am tired of hearing
Northerners accused of being cold and unfriendly, when I think it's
true for the whole United States. But I cannot support notions of a
"friendly South." Everything here is determined by race, sex and
ethnicity. If you found the South friendly, please take into account
that it's a very different experience for a white male, and to a
lesser degree, a white female. Try living as a black woman here for
just one day and see if your opinion changes. It's still 1900 down
here, and it's downright scary.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
D.M.M., white female <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC
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THE QUESTION:
RE39: Why do people in some Asian
cultures shave the heads of their babies on or around their first
birthday? What is the cultural/religious significance? I desire as
detailed an answer as possible.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
L.A., 29, white female, Boston, MA
ANSWER 1:
I am from Thailand, where
this custom is still practiced widely. The hair is shaved more for
hygienic reasons, as the climate in our country is very humid. The
head is not completely shaved - usually a patch covering the crown is
left. This is to protect the head, as the crown is still not fully
formed in the child's first year. In choosing a child's hairstyle,
parents will give a couple of clay dolls with differing hairstyles to
the child (some with pigtails or topknot, or as many as three to four
knots of hair). The child will choose one style for
himself/herself.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
K.P., Chinese-Thai, Bangkok
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THE QUESTION:
R377: My grandma nursed the
babies of the white woman she worked for in the '30s, but she still
had to come in the back door, and she still couldn't sit at the white
woman's table. It's been 35 years since I first asked why this
happened, and I still would like a better answer that what I've
received. Does anyone have one?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
A.A.W., 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL
ANSWER 1:
This is not a particularly
logical attitude, but I think it has a simple explanation. The
aversion to having blacks use the front door or sit at the table was
not because it put them in close physical proximity, but rather that
such actions implied equality. Thus, blacks could cook and serve
meals, but not sit at the table with whites. "We go to keep them in
their place!" was meant very literally, and anyone growing up in that
society knew when the line was crossed. Many cultures through history
have been perfectly willing to live in close contact with "inferiors"
as long as the recognition of differential status was maintained. The
particular indicators of differential status varied between
societies. Nursing of white babies by a black woman in the South was
probably a little unusual, but there is a long history of "inferiors"
being used as wet-nurses. For example, read the story of Moses in the
Bible.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
T. Douglas, 52, white male, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Thanks T. Douglas, for your
response. Grandma was inferior, but her milk wasn't; seems 50 percent
racist to me. Either you are or you aren't - and so the world turns.
Thanks again.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
A.A.W., 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R367: Why do people in the United
States put their aging parents in convalescent homes? I come from
both an Asian and Latino background, and I know this would be
absolutely unacceptable in those cultures and a great source of
disrespect.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Michela, 23, Latina-Asian female, Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER 1:
First of all, the percentage
of the population over 65 living in nursing homes is extremely small,
despite what we may think. My mother went into a nursing home when I
was a teenager. She should have gone in about 10 years earlier. She
had a very bad case of multiple sclerosis, and became a quadriplegic,
as well as very mentally disturbed, quickly. My father worked days,
leaving my older sister and I to care for her. Her own family was
estranged from her because of her mental problems, and we could not
keep a housekeeper or nurse working with her for any length of time.
She only went into the nursing home when my sister left for college.
The experience of having one member's needs dominate the entire
family tore us apart. We paid a huge price for trying to care for her
ourselves. Seeing the other patients in her nursing home, and how
much care they needed, made it obvious to me that few families have
the ability to care for a parent as ill as these people. I am now the
mother of a Chinese baby girl. I would never want her to sacrifice
herself and her family as I did for my mother. It can be very easy to
judge when one hasn't experienced caring for someone with, say,
Alzheimer's disease and/or multiple health problems, and still work
or care for a family. Also, American families are often smaller than
other families, and there may be fewer adult children to share the
work involved.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
P.J., 38, white <civserv@yahoo.com>, San Jose, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Having cared for my
mother-in-law in our home when she was in fairly advanced Alzhiemers,
I can tell you that most families are not equiped to handle these
intense and demanding duties. We coped, and only moved her to a care
facility when she broke her hip, but the burden was great. After
working all day, I would have to fix her meal (separate from the
other family, because eating to her was a full-time job for both of
us), then take her to the bath and bathe her, and eventually put her
in bed. Putting her in bed could take two to three hours, as she
would continually get back up and get dressed again. Finally I could
sit down and relax. My husband did morning duty to balance the
duties. Getting her up in the morning was the reverse ritual of going
to bed. When illness is that demanding, it is really best for all
concerned to be in the care of people who have the equipment and
facility to cope.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
48-year-old white female, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
R369: How universal is the
concept of "Black Time"? When my black friends arrive hours late for
a luncheon or haven't finished preparations when I arrive on time at
their home, they just say with a smile that they are on "BT." In 20
years with our mixed group of close friends this hasn't hurt
relationships, but I wonder...
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Beth, white female, 60, Orlando, FL
ANSWER 1:
Everybody who's black has
heard of "CPT" (Colored People's Time). My grandmother, who's 103,
taught me. CPT, or "BT" as you call it, is only an excuse, but it's
funny! I told my wife about CPT because she is always the last one to
get ready to leave the house for, say, a movie. Even though she's
Native American, she still qualifies, so she just falls in line, and
laughs with the rest of us. Hey! Grin and bear it!
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
K.R., 51, straight black male, Oxnard, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Funny, in the queer
community, people talk about GST (Gay Standard Time). This is to
account for the fact that a certain percentage of gay men tend to be
late for things because they talk too much or spend too much time
fussing with their hair. It's all in good humor, but I know a lot of
queer events, even serious ones, not just dances or parties, are
planned with the expectation that about a third of the people will be
late by at least five minutes, while a few will come in 20 minutes
after, or even later.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Wendy D., 23, white bisexual female <wiebke@juno.com>, Atlanta, GA
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THE QUESTION:
D15: Our family was recently
at the community pool. Our five-year-old son saw a little girl
swimming who had lost her hand in some sort of accident. He was
petrified when he saw it and ran under a towel for the rest of the
time we were there. Now he's nervous about going back to the pool.
When we asked him why he was upset about it, he said it scared him
and he wanted to know if the girl was going to be OK. What would be
the best thing to say to him to make him less fearful of this girl
and this type of situation in the future?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
R.D., white female, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
Tell him she may have been
born without her hand and has never missed it. Plus, she seems to get
along well without a second hand, and he would learn to do the same
if anything like that happened to him. Finally, tell him she probably
feels bad when people stare at her, and may not mind if he asks her
how she lost her hand. She might even turn out to be as sweet and
nice as he is.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Mike <thewests@ctsi.net>, Richmond, VA
FURTHER NOTICE:
First of all, I'd acknowledge
your son's fear. After all, many adults are frightened by someone
else's disability; we just hide it better. Then I would be honest -
tell your son you aren't sure what happened to the girl's hand,
whether she was born that way or lost it in an accident, but that
nothing is going to happen to his hand. I suspect your son is afraid
that one day he'll wake up missing something, but can't quite put his
fear into words. Finally, I'd point out that, while the little girl's
hand won't grow back, she is definitely OK - she's swimming and
playing, just like your son. Help him see that she's still a kid,
just like him, who probably watches TV and gets in trouble and likes
to eat ice cream, just like he does. The important things are to help
your son understand that A) with or without a hand, the little girl
is OK, and B) he's still safe, and nothing is going to happen to
him.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Laura, 37, white female, MD
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THE QUESTION:
RE77: To Muslims: Please comment
on the recent attacks of Muslims on Chinese people in Indonesia,
wherein some would shout "God is great" before doing terrible things
such as looting, raping and killing. Why would they say this?
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C. , female, Manila, The Philippines
ANSWER 1:
"God is great" has been a
battle cry for Muslims for five centuries since the original battles
were against the "infidels," which at that time were the armies
determined to smother the new religion and deny the One God. Modern
Muslims who see themselves as fighting this holy war still use that
phrase, though to an outsider it seems quite horrific. It is, in
essence, no different from any other religious fanatic who believes
that by killing the "unbeliever" he is defending something sacred.
There is, however, a great deal of disagreement within the Islamic
world about what constitutes a "holy war." By no means do all Muslims
accept what you are talking about.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Halima B. <exhiled@yahoo.com>, Jaén, Spain
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THE QUESTION:
R374: Does it hurt that much to
be an African American?
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Rev. J. O'Daily, 38, European American, Tallahassee, FL
ANSWER 1:
It only hurts when people
disrespect us, just as it probably hurts when people disrespect you.
All we want is to be treated as equals. Remember this: We are all
members of the same race. The Human Race.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
B.V.R. (Beyond Visual Range), black male <alski96@airmail.net>, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
I don't think being black
hurts at all. Anyone of any race, creed or color can be proud of that
heritage and upbringing. I am a young African-American female who has
always found pride in myself and my race. I hear my fellow blacks
talking and complaining about "the white man" and what he has done
and continues to do to us, but we can only use that excuse for so
long. I have not walked a mile in someone else's shoes, but I know my
own trials and believe that although it may not be easy, we can still
rise above racism and prejudices of all kinds; black, white, red,
woman or man. It may sound idealistic, but it is definitely possible.
So if I had it to choose all over again, I would put my money on
black any day!
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Shawn, 28, African American, Orlando, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It doesn't hurt at all being
black, and I never felt I should feel inferior because of it. I love
who I am, but if you mean as a whole do blacks endure unnecessary
stress just because they are black, I would say yes ... and that
hurts. That is not fair. You wonder sometimes, "Why me?" You don't
let the hurt dictate how you live, love and feel, but it does nag you
like a gnat.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Joyce J., black single female <PLatimer@MSN.COM>, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It doesn't hurt to be African
American. The racism received for being an African American and the
reactions we get as a result of stereotyping does hurt. The worst
experience I've had where my feelings were hurt happened just five
days ago. I was in a major department store looking for some soap. So
was a white woman and her four-year-old son. I was standing about 10
feet from the lady and her son. Her son was hanging off the edge/end
of the basket. He fell. I rushed over to help him up because his
mother looked stunned. He wasn't crying. When I reached down and
picked him up, he started to cry. I was telling him it was going to
be OK when his mom literally snatched him from me and looked at me
with accusation flaring in her eyes. I was shocked. Here I was trying
to help a child up and his mom is looking at me like I knocked him
off the edge of the basket (please remember I was standing about 10
feet away). Belatedly, she gained her wits and thanked me. Feeling
rather wilted, I quietly told her she was welcome and that it was no
problem. As I was turning to leave (my feelings crushed), she was
telling the child to thank me. He was silent. She asked him if he
would tell the "nice lady" thank you. He answered her with a
resounding, "No!" I just gave a sad little smile and told her that
was OK and walked off. I felt as if my heart were breaking. I kept
remembering the look she gave me when she snatched her son and the
way he wasn't even crying until he looked up and saw me. I think this
is the worse feeling I've ever had. I will definitely approach the
situation cautiously when helping another white woman and her child.
Oh, and I never did get my soap.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Whitney T., 18, Southern black <wkthomps@olemiss.edu>, Oxford, MS
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Imagine you wake up every day
paid lower than your white counterparts with the same education and
stopped by the police because you appear suspicious. It could be
because of the car you drive - it may look too expensive. Are the
police implying black people can't drive a car over a certain dollar
amount? Imagine you're at work, and your employer takes work from you
to justify giving a white person more work to increase her pay. The
prisons are full of black men on petty charges. In jail for
possessing a small amount of marijuana. White people can murder and
get out in five, but some states imprison you for life for possessing
a small amount of marijuana. So imagine waking up being black: Yes,
it hurts all of the time.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
A. McGee, Forestville, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The majority of the time it
does not hurt. I don't wake up every morning saying, "Boy, am I glad
I am/am not an African American!" I wake up just glad to wake up. The
times I dislike being an African American are when I have to buy
something and endure people following me in stores because of the
stereotype that all blacks steal. Also, when I buy a car, house, etc.
and always have that little nagging question of, "If I were white,
would the price still have been the same?" I always feel like I have
to approach these situations with full armor on, if you know what I
mean. I go in with "attitude," so people know I am not stupid because
of the color of my skin. Yes, sometimes it is hard to be black, but
most of the time it is just great to be alive.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Cheryl, 44 , black <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R357: What are some ways whites
who genuinely want to break down color barriers can do so amid
antagonism from all ethnic groups, even other whites? That is, how
can we distinguish ourselves from whites who are racist?
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Jeffrey D., white, KY
ANSWER 1:
You obviously feel a need to
distinguish yourself as being different from the modern stereotype
white people are now being labeled with. This is a paradox that many
white folks feel: If they don't show outward signs of being
non-racists, they believe they will be labeled racists. I suggest
that you don't worry about trying to show you are a good white guy,
but to simply focus on developing a mature, balanced perception on
all issues you feel influence your life . As for race issues, you may
begin with reading information on the Internet of the early slave
trading days, not just the history but the stories written during
that era, and work your way up through the Civil War and civil rights
days. Take a critical, objective look of the history and listen to
all intelligent sides of the issue. Find out what Africans are saying
about African Americans and what is happening in Europe with their
race problems. Expand your view and you will find that it is
complicated - like a big ball of tangled fishing string - and that
African Americans and whites don't have a perfect description of the
problem. Educate yourself and save yourself from the feelings that
come with trying to be a token good white guy. Just be a quality guy
!
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Dave <GILSTRAP@MS13.HINET.NET>, S.C.
FURTHER NOTICE:
When among whites, refuse to
participate in conversation or humor that promotes racist viewpoints.
If you are with people of a race other than your own, just be
yourself. You don't have to advertise that you are not racist. If the
conversation turns to the subject of race, join in, be honest and
don't think that you necessarily have to agree with the majority
point of view. You may have a unique perspective to share. You may
also learn you have some attitudes that still need adjustment. There
are just so many things we unconsciously pick up from our parents and
our culture that we may not even realize are racist. If you are not a
racist, it will be obvious to other people, regardless of what ethnic
group they belong to.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Suzanne, 45, white female, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many years ago, this thought
came to me when I encountered a problem because of my skin color (I'm
white), and I asked a woman of color who was feeling antagonistic
towards me: "Did you choose what skin color you were born with?" She
answered sarcastically, "You know I didn't!" Then I replied, "I
didn't either." She turned and gave me a long, hard look. "You really
mean that, don't you?" she said. "Yes." The folded arms came off her
bosom, her hand came out to mine, and from then on we were good
friends. If we can get past the outside wrapping color, we will find
warm, loving friends. After all, we're all pretty much alike inside.
But, you have to take time to get to know someone personally and
individually.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Vera F., 60, grandmother <vfurry@kumc.edu>, Wichita, KS
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THE QUESTION:
R304: Why does it seem that many
families of American Indian and Hispanic descent go generations
without upgrading their educational and economic status?
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Female, 36, Antelope, CA
ANSWER 1:
It's my belief that
government programs such as free health care and cheap, if not free,
housing bleed the will of people to promote themselves. I see it a
lot here.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Married to woman of native descent, Tulsa, OK
FURTHER NOTICE:
Many people assume government
"handouts" encourage laziness among First Nations peoples. On the
contrary, it is the shortsightedness of most government programs that
keeps the recipients of subsidized housing, etc., from improving
their living conditions. What good is a house, and how can it be
maintained, when, as is often the case, essential services like
running water, electricity and sewage systems are not provided for a
reserve, and the profits from a house's construction go into the
pockets of white contractors? As a teacher at a Native-run
university, I meet people every day who, with help from their own
communities, have managed to overcome enormous obstacles to improve
their own lives and those of their families and friends. Recovering
from long-term discrimination and economic disadvantage is a slow
process, but there are many people of courage and vision who are
seeking and creating positive social change.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Patricia M., 41, white, Regina , Saskatchewan, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
R363: What are black people's
opinions about why eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia are
not very prominent in their culture? It seems to me that even in two
middle-class families, one black and one white, the girls in the
white family are much more concerned about their weight and are into
dieting than are the girls in the black family.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Charlotte, 16, white, <fleure_@hotmail.com>, Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada
ANSWER 1:
Throughout my life, I have
watched many of the women in my family jump from diet to diet (and
spending quite a few dollars) with little or no success. Some women
in my family are just naturally thin, just like any other. I have
heard studies that conclude that black people are on average heavier
than others, which I believe is a cultural thing - much of
traditional "soul food" is very fattening. You will find a lot of
pork and fried foods, which may have a lot to do with the high
incidence of heart disease and the like within the race. Furthermore,
sitting down to a big meal with family always had a significant
value, and as a child, we were always encouraged to eat
plenty.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
A. Moore, 29, African-American <Moore29@aol.com>, Orlando, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Anorexia and bulimia occur in
the black culture, though at a far lower rate, the reason being the
extra weight is not unacceptable in body consciousness. Many foreign
black societies value women with more weight as a sign of beauty and
fertility, and some of that may still linger in current black
culture.
JayJay, 44, black female, <Lady_Jackie@yahoo.com>, Dayton, OH
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THE QUESTION:
D17: I would like to know why
being fat has such a negative connotation in our society. It seems to
bring out a "wounded bird in the flock" reaction in some people. "Fat
slob" or "lazy, fat slob"; these words almost go together
automatically. Do we ever say "skinny slob" or "lazy, tall slob"?
Being skinny, tall, short, bald, long-haired, etc. doesn't carry the
same insult. Being fat is almost synonymous with being disgusting.
I've struggled for years to improve and maintain my self-worth in a
world that says I'm defective and disgusting. What's up?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
38-year-old mom, fat, married and loved, Overeaters Anonymous member,
Long Beach, CA
ANSWER 1:
I have been struggling with
my weight my whole life, and know how it is to be on "both sides" of
the fence, so to speak. How did the word "fat" get a negative
connotation? I think "fat" is just like any other word; that is, the
most important questions are "Who said it?" and "How did he/she say
it?" I do not have a problem calling myself fat. I was, and still am,
a little fat. Why do use the word "fat" to describe yourself? Do you
consider yourself "fat"? If you do, then deal with it. Otherwise, use
a better term. I like "overweight." My feelings are, if you have a
problem with a word, do not use it.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
G. Mills, 25, male, "a little fat" <TW@sprynet.com>, San Diego , CA
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