Best of the Week
of July 26, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of July 26, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
A8: Director's Paraphrase: K.W.
of Orange Park, Fla., would like to know why movie theaters tell
people under 18 they can't enter an R-rated movie because they aren't
adults, but then charge them the adult rate instead of the child's
rate for entrance into a PG movie.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
ANSWER 1:
I believe R-rated movies
require those 17 and under to be admitted only with a parent or
guardian. If you are 18, you should be allowed to see R-rated movies
alone. I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I tried to
buy some liquor when I was 20, and was charged (as an adult) with
being a minor in possession of alcohol. This is a double standard. A
person who is 20 should either be an adult or a child, not both. I
think people who have reached the18 should be considered adults for
all purposes. If you're old enough to die in a war for your country,
you're old enough to drink a beer and watch any movie you feel like
watching.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Robert W., 33, white <rwalling@connect.net>, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
The Ratings System (G, PG, R,
NC-17, X, etc.) is a product of the Motion Picture Association of
America, which sets guidelines for who is allowed to see what movies.
Movie theaters must follow the guidelines set forth by the MPAA.
Movie theaters, as independent businesses, can charge whatever they
like for admission, and most have fallen into a rough classification
system (Youth, Adult, Senior, Student, etc.). This "Adult"
classification has nothing to do with the MPAA guidelines, which make
no mention of the word "Adult." They are two separate distinctions
that both happen to use the same term to roughly define an age group.
Therefore, one can pay a price for the "Adult" tier and still not be
an "Adult" in any other sense of the word.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Brian W., 24 <brian@darkwolf.com>, Atlanta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I understand your frustration
with theaters not allowing people 17 and under into R-rated movies
without a parent or adult. I have three teenagers, and they never
want to see any movies that aren't rated R. However, in our area, the
kids usually get in without any problem. If there is a problem, I
simply go to the box office and give my permission for the kids to
see the movie, and they're allowed in. With shows on HBO and Showtime
rated closer to X than R, how as parents are we to control what our
children view? Why are theaters so concerned about our childeren when
they can already see what they want, including X-rated stuff and the
R-rated movies on HBO and Showtime? If it is left up to us as parents
to regulate what our children watch at home, why does it concern
theaters? My children are already so much more advanced in years than
I was at their current ages (14, 15 and 18). I'm finished worrying
about R-rated movies; I spend my time trying to keep my 14-year-old
out of the porn sections on the net.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Jayale1955 <jayale1955@aol.com>, Oak Ridge, TN
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R311: Why do more Asians seem to
eat with their mouths open than any other group? I have lived and
worked in several Asian countries, and most of my friends in America
are Asian, so I have a representative sample from which to draw the
above conclusion, but I haven't learned of a reason for this.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
thsmith, 28, white, Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER 1:
I am a Chinese male, 32, and
I do not eat with my mouth open. It was taught to me constantly, by
my parents and grandparents, during meals to keep my lips closed when
I chewed. It is also considered extremely impolite and disrespectful
to talk while having food in your mouth. Maybe my family is an
exception, but I have never seen any of my friends do what you asked
about without someone showing disgust.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Joe C., 32, Chinese, Fremont, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I can't speak for all Asians,
but I know that my mom lectured me about it when I did it as a kid,
and it turned out that in my case, it was allergies. I couldn't
breathe through my nose during certain seasons (summer's pollen,
winter's indoor dust) and would chew with my mouth open in order to
breathe as well. It's possible that that has to do with having
evolved in a different climate, that ragweed or stuffy, sealed indoor
environments wouldn't have been a problem for me were I living where
my parents were born, in the Philippines. If there are cultural
answers to this question, I am not aware of them.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
David, 35, Asian American <HoopNation@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think I can guess why so
many Asians eat with their mouths open or at least talk with their
mouths full. I've lived in different parts of Asia for the last nine
years, and now I'm living in Japan with my husband. I've discovered
that you can speak Japanese, and probably quite a few other Asian
languages, without spitting food all over the place. Most Asian
languages don't seem to have the same amount of aspirated letters as
in English (or any at all). English is full of "p's" and "t's" that
involve a little expulsion of air (and food, if there's any in your
mouth at the time). So, while our mothers always taught us that it
was rude and disgusting to speak with your mouth full (which, if you
speak English, is), Asian mothers were busy teaching their kids that
it's rude to blow your nose and other such things.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
G. Onosaka <gillonosaka@hotmail.com>, Japan
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it is a cultural
thing. I am Chinese living in the Philippines. Because this country
was colonized by the Spaniards and the Americans, there are a lot of
Western influences imbedded in our culture. I lived in Taiwan for a
year and have been to Hong Kong and China. In these countries, I have
witnessed so many habits and customs that, as seen through my
Westernized point of view, are utterly disgusting. And one of them is
eating and talking while their mouths are full. But for the Chinese
living in these countries, this practice is as common and as
unconscious behavior as covering your mouth when you cough. If ever
they do it, I am sure they do not to irritate or insult anyone. They
don't even know some may find it offensive.
POSTED JULY 29, 1998
I.C., 32, Manila, The Philippines
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE83: My six-year-old daughter
would like to know why only Native American men and not women are
allowed to dance around fires in the tribes that have these
traditions.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Grant and Katie, 35 & 6 <artmcm@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE49: Why don't many women have
motor skills? Most females can't throw a ball correctly or swing a
golf club. When they drive, they hold the steering wheel in funny
ways and are constantly trying to correct the wheel. Looking for
answers...
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Eric, white male <boss_hogg@geocities.com>, Iowa
ANSWER 1:
I think it's just the way
women are made. Maybe a certain part of our brain is more dominant
than the other. That's why there are women and there are men. It's
like comparing an apple to an orange - they are both fruits, but
their tastes and colors are different, and it's not fair to compare
them because they are totally different.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C., 32, female, Manila, The Philippines
FURTHER NOTICE:
I can't imagine what women
you have been observing. I am by no means an athletic person, but I
can throw a ball (although not as far as a man), I can swing a golf
club (again, not as long of a drive as my husband, but at least
straight) and I'm a pretty good driver. I hold the wheel as I was
taught, at "ten o'clock" and "two o'clock" or, when I get lazy, just
hold it with one hand at the bottom. The only answer I can think of
to your question is that it is not a gender issue (I know plenty of
clumsy, uncoordinated men) but that you have been watching some
rather uncoordinated women, or people who simply haven't practiced
the activities you mentioned.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Michelle, 26, female <wxjon@minor.stlnet.com>, St. Louis, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't think men are
naturally more inclined to have better motor skills. In childhood,
women are generally less encouraged to develop physical prowess, and
less challenged when they show an inclination. Obviously, many manage
to become great athletes in spite of and even because of these
obstacles.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I've never seen the steering
wheel example you referred to. However, your other two examples
(throwing a ball and using a golf club) are not biological, but
learned behaviors. If you are right-handed, try throwing a ball with
your left hand. If you've never done it before, you simply won't be
able to throw a ball as well with your non-dominant hand because you
haven't learned and mastered the necessary mechanical motions. Boys
learn the necessary mechanics of throwing from associating with other
boys, watching them throw and throwing things themselves. Unless a
girl is in a similar situation (e.g. several older brothers), she
most likely won't learn the mechanics of throwing on her own. But it
can be learned. In regard to your other example, there
is a Women's PGA tour.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Bill L., San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Women do have motor skills.
All humans have motor skills, except those disabled in that area.
Women may use their motor skills in different ways. I, for one, play
a very good game of softball and can swing a golf club in the proper
manner.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Kat, Topeka, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Many girls and women throw
baseballs and swing golf clubs beautifully. I am not one of them, but
that's because I don't care for those sports. That's not because I'm
a woman - I cycle, and I and dance extremely well, which both require
strong coordination. I know no one, male or female, who holds a
steering wheel "in a funny way," and I hope that everyone is
adjusting the wheel as he or she drives, since I'd think that's part
of how one steers. Finally, how are you defining "motor skills"? Can
you, for example, do fine needlework, swiftly julienne vegetables or
build and wire a lamp? I can do two of these three things - which I
believe require fine motor ability - better than most people I know,
and if I were a betting woman, I'd put down $5 that when you first
posted your question, you wouldn't guess which two correctly.
POSTED JULY 29, 1998
D.S., 32, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
G19: I come from Japan, which
doesn't have any custom for giving tips for service. When and why did
this custom start in the United States?
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Takeo F. <Takeo
Fukuda@amat.com>, San
Francisco, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE69: It's my feeling that some
Christians, particularly fundamentalists or born-again Christians,
feel a need to tell others how to live their lives. On the other
hand, while messages from society and the media may not necessarily
be "Christian," I don't see non-Christians telling Christians to
change their beliefs. Wouldn't it be more "Christian" to live and let
live, or turn the other cheek? Is their some religious reason behind
this?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Allison S., 33, white female, <alnshawn@aol.com>, Mission Viejo, CA
ANSWER 1:
Have you known married people
who love to fix up their single friends? They are so happy being
married they want their friends to know the same happiness. That is
how it often is for born-again Christians. We sometimes get
overzealous when sharing our joy. It is an intensely personal and
emotionally charged topic, and it can be hard to discuss in a
sensitive manner without seeming holier-than-though. True Christians
know we are sinners like everybody else, but it's like we've
discovered the "cure" for guilt and shame. When we become Christians,
we are forgiven and lifted up into a loving relationship with God. We
want our friends to know the same joy.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
T. Arthur, 38, born-again Christian <MrsArthur1@aol.com>, Sterling Heights, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
There is definitely a
Christian teaching behind helping others. It was the whole point of
Jesus Christ's life on earth. Imagine if you saw a burning building.
Would you feel the urgent need to get the people out? Most people
would say yes, because those inside are going to die. However, if you
try to help someone out and they refuse, you move on to someone who
wants your help. This is how we feel about those who are not
Christians (and even some who claim to be.) Matthew 28:19-20 tells us
to "Go therefore and make disciples of people of all the nations ...
teaching them all the things I have commanded you." If however,
someone does not want to learn, that is their choice. God has given
us the free will to decide how we will live our lives. But I don't
want people to make an uninformed decision about such an important
matter.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
M.A.M., 25, Atlanta, GA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R14: Do African Americans
generally expect eventual betrayal from white people? Or do they
simply see white people as naive about the nature of racism and,
therefore, unaware of when they (whites) might be unintentionally
offensive? Is it a survival mechanism learned from living with the
constant, wearing effect of racism? Can an African-American ever let
down his or her guard and trust a white person?
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
Susan J., Dayton, OH
ANSWER 1:
I trust people who are honest and sincere and whose values are the
same as mine, regardless of their color. I think trust is something
that should be earned. So I don't get chummy and confide in people
who haven't earned my trust. My guard is up no matter what color you
are.
Sometimes I meet white people and I
instantly know they are racist even though they try to hide it.
There's always something - a look, body language, a comment - that
gives them away. Sometimes it's very subtle. I also know white people
who admit they have racist feelings and want to educate themselves
and learn where those feelings come from (stereotypes, from their
parents, a bad experience, etc.) It takes patience, but I can work
with that.
I do have black friends, though, who
don't want anything to do with white people. When they get home from
work they don't wat to see them or think about them. They feel tired
from having to deal with them all day long. It's like a game or a
dance. People tiptoeing around race and differences, not saying what
they really mean and not asking what they really want to ask. I
understand why they feel that way.
RECEIVED MARCH 11, 1998
M. Johnson, Jacksonville, Fla.
FURTHER NOTICE:
I never thought I would
answer one of these questions until I saw this one virtually
screaming at me. No, I do not feel I could ever trust a white person
again. I have had far too many instances when I have been burned
because I have been too trusting of them. I have had many white
employers, friends, peers, etc., and all of them are untrustworthy. I
treated them the exact same way as all of my black o Latino
acquaintances (and usually went out of my way to be nice), but all
with the same end result: An inappropriate comment starting something
like "Why do you people..." or "Why do blacks..." or "Do all black
people..." This leads to an immediate termination of the
conversation, trust and the friendship. I cannot see, even in my
young age, ever approaching a white person and striking up a
conversation without them saying something inappropriate. I think it
all stems from the fact that white people (because they have no
culture to identify with) have no sense of loyalty and feel that
people of different races are disposable. I feel that if there are
some black people out there who can trust you, you should be
grateful.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
L.W., 24, black female, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To L.W.: I am really sad that
your experience of white people has been so bad. I wish there were
some way I could change your opinion of us, but that is virtually
impossible in a letter. I can only tell you about my situation and my
friends and let you know that my color really does not make me
unreliable and lacking in loyalty or culture. I work in a laboratory
with people of many nationalities, from China, Taiwan, Southern
India, Northern India, Ireland, Denmark, Nigeria and the Ukraine, and
many more people have passed through. We all get along very well and
none of us, to my knowledge, has ever had problems because of our
different skin colors or races. We talk about our different cultures
to each other, and I enjoy learning about foreign places very much.
For example, we swap music and cook for each other. Reading what you
have said has made me realize how lucky I am to have such a good
workplace. I hope you meet nicer white people in the future - please
don't give up on us.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Liz, white <Elizabeth.Baines@bbsrc.ac.uk>, Edinburgh, UK
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To L.W.: My trust has been
trampled on by blacks, whites, older people, teenagers, Jews,
Christians, Muslims, men, women ... the list goes on and on. Don't
adopt the attitude, "Well, I'll never trust another white person
again (or older person, or Jew, or man, etc). The world is
(occasionally) a nasty place, and sometimes it's nasty because of a
particular person (who, inevitably, will be of a particular color,
gender, age, religion, sexual preference, etc.) That nastiness is not
a product of race or creed. They are nasty people because they are
nasty.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
J. Storm, 43, Salem, OR
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To L.W.: How can you say
white people have no culture to identify with? That is quite a
stereotype. I'm a white Italian who has plenty of culture to identify
with. I'm very proud of my heritage and have mounds of respect for
all cultures. As far as trusting people, you cannot bunch everyone
from the same race into one stereotype. I've been screwed by people
of all cultures (white, black, Hispanic, Indian, etc.), but I will
always give someone I meet the benefit of the doubt, no matter their
race, color or religon. If you are going to distrust an entire race
because you have been by a handful of people of that race, you are
going to have an uphill fight the rest of your life.
POSTED JULY 29, 1998
L.D., white Italian, Boston, MA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R376: Why are Asian male/white
female couples much rarer than Asian female/white male couples? And
why does one hardly ever see an Asian male/black female couple?
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Julie B., 25, white <bouzoun@mri.jhu.edu>, Baltimore, MD
ANSWER 1:
I think it's a matter of
exposure, personal conceptions and background. Asian males seem to
have a "stick-to-your-own" mentality, while Asian women have more of
a "go get him" mentality (this is not to speak for all Asians, just
the ones I've been in contact with). This idea is borne from my
contact with other Asian males and females, particularly with those
born and/or raised in the United States (like me). Asian women get
approached because of the stereotypical "exotic" nature of "Oriental
women" that men find so attractive (not the only reason, of course,
but it's an attention-getter). Asian men, however, aren't approached
by non-Asian women as much because of the stereotype that they are
analytical and quiet. Boisterousness (read: self-confidence) is not
usually a characteristic attributed to Asian men, unless they happen
to be around other Asians, usually of the same culture (Japanese to
Japanese, Korean to Korean, Vietnamese to Vietnamese, etc.)
I have to confess that sometimes I
find myself wondering what it would be like to date a Japanese woman.
But since I don't know any in the area, I don't even think about it.
Beyond my girlfriend (who is white) and myself, I have never seen any
other Asian male/white female couple. Ironically, my manager is a
Chinese woman who is married to a white man.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Japanese male dating white female, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
In my experience, Asian
male/white female relationships are not as rare as they appear. In
Chicago, especially at large city socials like Taste of Chicago, I
see such couples among a crowd. However, you're right that AM/WF
couples are less common than white male/Asian female couples. I think
one of the main reasons are that WM/AF couples have been "accepted"
in the media and in real life for a very long time, as far back as
when white male colonials visited China and Japan and married the
locals there. But images of Asian males in sexual relationships with
white females still bring up associations of "little Japanese
businessmen" doting upon tall, blonde "party-girls;" the fear of
white females being "taken" by non-white men is an age-old and
continuing taboo (black slaves raping white women, etc.). Other
reasons concern the myth that Asian men have small penises, which in
part, insults white women, because it questions their motives for
being with certain men and avoiding others. There are other more
sociological reasons that concern the negative labels attached to the
Asian male sexual identity in the United States and general social
roles of men and women (e.g. tall, strong, bold men with rock-hard
abs are considered desirable in America, but Asian males are accused
of lacking such qualities).
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
David L., 25, Asian-male <dlin@orion.it.luc.edu>, Chicago, IL
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE80: Why don't Jehovah's
Witnesses accept blood products, even if it means saving their or a
family member's life?
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Tina S. <beaniejet27@yahoo.com>, New Haven, MI
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R370: I work for an older,
wealthy, Jewish woman. She is very bright and enthusiastic. I am
taken aback, however, when she walks into our office and begins by
criticizing everything, often before knowing what she's looking at.
I've been told this trait is typical of Jewish women. If there's any
truth to this, what might be helpful for me to know in order to work
better with her? Is this a culture issue? I assumed it was a
personality trait. I'd really like some more positive interaction
from the get-go, vs. having to work backwards toward it.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Thirty-Year-Old, Southern Protestant Liberal, St. Louis, MO
ANSWER 1:
It's a personality trait.
Less-thoughtful people often find excuses to behave badly; it has
nothing to do with genetics. You mentioned she was older and wealthy;
these facts may provide the clue you're looking for. Older people who
have (obviously) lived longer and experienced more can be presumed to
know a bit more than the rest of us; some feel the need to remind us
of that fact. Those with accumulated wealth are often revered by
society and gain a false sense of superiority. Less-polite members of
that group may try to tell the rest of us how to succeed. Deal with
these (rude) people the same - no matter their ethnicity.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
43-year-old Jewish female, Long Beach, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
She might just have a
self-esteem problem. I have worked with many a Jewish person, and
they do tend to be aggressive, but as long as you know your stuff and
have done what you are supposed to do, everything works out.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
ANABWI, 42, black female
<anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't agree with the people
who told you it is a Jewish female trait to be critical. My
experience has been more the opposite. Although this is a gross
generalization, I have to say that the Jewish culture tends to place
a higher value on tolerance and respect for diversity than average.
Your boss is like she is because that's her personality - not because
she's Jewish. There are lots of jokes about "Jewish mothers" and
"JAPS" that assume Jewish women are whiny, intolerant and
self-absorbed, but in my opinion there is no more truth to that than
there is to the false but popular assumption that all Jewish men are
money-grubbing and wealthy.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Laura W., 36, Jewish female <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am Jewish and wanted to let
you know that part of a powerful personality like that is just that,
personality, and some of it (depending on her age) is a survival
technique. Let me explain. Throughout history, the Jewish people have
been harrassed, persecuted and chased out of more countries than I
have space to list. Out of habit, we have become survivalists. If
your boss is old enough, she remembers struggling a lot, or the
stories from her parents' lives. She pays extreme attention to detail
because as Jews we are used to our decisions having life/death
consequences. If you aren't the best, you are dead or being sold a
one-way ticket on a train bound for nowhere. As for dealing with her,
have you tried talking to her? If she is friendly and bright, she
will surely understand a simple and well-worded request for better
staff motivation along with her critique.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Rachel, 24, Jewish female <speedyrae2@aol.com>, Oceanside, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R339: It seems to me that when
stresses in the black community reach a certain level, one reaction
is to riot, loot and burn the very community in which they live. Why
is this? I cannot recall a riot in the white community equal in scope
and damage to the L.A. riots, the Watts riots or the riots in
Detroit.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Ray B., 40, white male, U.S. Navy (retired) <raynfran@bellsouth.net>, Summerville, S.C.
ANSWER 1:
A very wise man I know said
that "white people do their rioting at the ballot box." (And sure
enough, not long after that, they voted out affirmative action
programs in California.) That made me realize that feeling empowered
in a society makes someone believe they have options for changing
things they don't like. But when a group of people feel powerless and
oppressed and think they have nothing to lose, they can resort to
irrational behaviors such as violence. As far as riots happening in
the community where someone lives: Every person of color knows that
the price is higher for committing a crime in white neighborhoods
than in non-white neighborhoods. Secondly, usually when violence
erupts, it's spontaneous; driving across town to another neighborhood
is not spontaneous.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Sara, black female, Oakland, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R382: Why is it that many Puerto
Ricans and other Hispanics speak so loudly when in groups?
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Sage <mcsage@bigfoot.com,>, Brooklyn , NY
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
Copyright and disclaimer