Best of the Week
of Aug. 13, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Aug. 13, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
My boyfriend is in his mid-thirties and does not like for me to look
at his penis. After we have sex, he covers his penis up. When he
showers or needs to get dressed, he will change in another room. He
even gets offended if I sneak a peek at it. He said he does this
because he is shy. We've been together a little more than a year and
he still doesn't feel comfortable being naked in front of me. Is this
normal, especially for a man in his mid-thirties? I don't think it
is, and wonder if perhaps he was abused as a child or something. I've
always thought that men were proud of their tools. It seems like he's
ashamed of it or something. I don't think he's ashamed of the size,
either.
POSTED 8/17/2000
J.W., Newark, NJ, United States, 25, Female, Methodist, Black/African
American, Straight, Customer Support Administrator, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 815200044428
Responses:
His parents were probably just a bit overzealous in teaching him
to cover up in public. If it wasn't his parents, then maybe he had a
bad experience at school. I think it is unlikely to be abuse, as that
usually has the opposite effect. Either way, I'm sure it would help
if he were to track down the event in his past that has caused his
shyness.
POSTED 8/18/2000
anonymous, London, NA, United Kingdom, 26, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Psychologist, 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 818200054652
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Question:
I live in a neighborhood with a significant black population. I'm
always curious as to why many blacks here insist on owning pitbulls.
I've noticed this at many other neighborhoods, also. Why is it that a
relatively large section of blacks own a serious-ferocious dog vs.
owning a more fun-loving and likable breed, i.e. retriever, collie,
beagle? Is there a message here? Does one need an animal to instill
fear and earn respect from the public? Is is sending a 'DONT MESS
WITH ME' attitude?
POSTED 8/17/2000
portchatter, Birmingham, AL, United States, 25, Male, Asian, Student,
Mesg ID 815200064338
Responses:
A lot of oppressed people, or people who have trouble finding
work, look for a way to make a quick buck. A very easy way to do this
is dog fighting, and pit bulls are the dog of choice for this. People
train their dogs to be ferocious because a pit bull who wins a dog
fight can bring in thousands of dollars.
POSTED 8/18/2000
Danielle, Forked River, NJ, United States, 25, Female, Over 4 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 8172000124649
Sometimes if you live in a high crime area and can't afford a home
alarm system, a big, mean dog can mean the difference between peace
of mind and a ransacked house or assaulted family members. Also, in
such areas the pitbull has proliferated, so it would be much easier
and cheaper to acquire a pitbull puppy as a pet than to go to a fancy
breeder and get a purebred labrador, and that's generally because the
guy on the other side of the alley breeds pits for a living and can
cut you a deal. Also, such a dog can be a status symbol. Its fierce
and muscular appearance and bad reputation can enhance someone's
machismo and self-assurance just like a monster truck or an assault
rifle. I don't it's a race thing because certain Latinos and whites
own such dogs in equal frequencies. It seems to be more of a class
and environmental thing.
POSTED 8/18/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal,
Hispanic/Latino, Student, 2 Years of College , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 817200093622
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Question:
All my life I have been searching (more or less actively) for what I
believe in and a form of religion that felt right to me. My family is
Catholic, but I always had great doubts about many of the Church's
teachings and practices. My mom has been fairly open-minded, but for
my father, openly questioning my faith was never an option. His
parents are also very strict Catholics, more active in practice than
my father, so I have never raised any questions with them because I
fear it would break their hearts. Over the past few months, I have
been attending a Quaker meeting, and for the first time I feel really
comfortable in a religious setting and very much in concordance with
their beliefs and practices. I believe I have found my niche. I have
told my mom and she is happy for me and has offered to speak with my
father about it for me. I am scared about telling my father; the
other night I dreamed he found out that I had chosen another religion
and was enraged and upset. Does anyone have suggestions on how to
tell my father and grandparents, or has anyone faced similar
circumstances before with their family?
POSTED 8/17/2000
Shelly, Pittsburgh, PA, United States, 25, Female, Quaker,
White/Caucasian, research, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 8162000101125
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Question:
I am a straight male, but I've seen many men write about how they
were untrue to themselves and married a woman. I don't understand how
this is possible: I would understand how 'faking it' would be easy
for a woman, but if a gay man isn't attracted to women, how does he
get aroused enough to have sex (ejaculate, etc.) and 'pretend' to be
straight?
POSTED 8/17/2000
Thomas H., White Falls, CO, United States, 38, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Architect, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 816200062925
Responses:
Basically it boils down to one simple fact: Men like sex, no
matter how it gets done. In my case, I got married at 22 and was able
to have sex regularly (not overly passionate, but sex). How? Lights
off, visualize other things (guys), etc. Could I still fake it? Not
with a woman only, but if the opportunity to do a three-way with a
hot couple came up, I'd be in the middle of it. For me, the primary
issue became the ability to be committed and work at the
relationship. I failed there, because I knew I was living a lie. That
was the part that was hard to fake.
POSTED 8/18/2000
Mark B., Dallas, TX, United States, <civic-si@swbell.net>, 39,
Male, Christian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Financial Analyst, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 817200060507
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Question:
As a teen I am curious why a parent would be so quick to blame types
of media - music, video games, television and in some cases teachers
and supposed role-models - for their kids' behavior, rather than take
a look at their own parenting skills to see if anything is lacking.
Or, they lay the blame on their own child. Is it fear for yourself?
Your child? My parents weren't perfect, but if I screwed up, I was at
fault - not Eminem or Marilyn Manson.
POSTED 8/17/2000
Chris P., k-w, NA, Canada, <pipesp@hotmail.com>, 19, Male,
Christian, White/Caucasian, Straight, High School Diploma , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 817200011004
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Question:
Why do young men of all races wear clothes that are two sizes too
large, and pants so low that their underwear shows?
POSTED 8/13/2000
Joseph F., Brandon, FL, United States, Male, Follower of Christ,
Black/African American, Straight, Employment Rep, 4 Years of
College,Mesg ID 723200013527
Responses:
Someone told me once that this was a jail thing. When you go to
jail, you get prison-issued clothes that often don't fit, plus they
take away your belt (and shoelaces). So I heard it started as kind of
an homage to kids' older brothers and dads who had gone to jail, and
obviously spread beyond that. I don't know if this is true, but it
sounds plausible. I have also wondered, though, if it bears some
relationship to the little-kid cutesy aspect of rave culture - the
idea being that a person who wears baggy clothes looks littler and
younger and kind of sweet. So maybe it has something to do with that
fetishization of childhood as well?
POSTED 8/16/2000
Sue, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 33, Female, White/Caucasian,
Middle class, Mesg ID 815200023414
Some do it to fit in. Others do it to rebel. I do it for comfort.
Usually I behave and wear pants that fit, but I like my cheap Kmart
shorts to be nice and big. Room to move, room to breathe, etc. A nice
big pair of shorts can be as freeing as a kilt. And I like my shirts
to be loose-fitting so I can swing my arms around like a monkey
without getting skidmarks on my armpits or having it bunched up into
a halter-top. And it helps in the summer because the breeze goes
right up my clothes, and my sweat won't make them cling to me. But I
don't like to sag. I like to keep my rear-end covered, and I don't
like the sensation of my pants falling down.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal,
Hispanic/Latino, Student, 2 Years of College , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 816200045448
The young people are very simply being new and up-to-date. I would
like to see more traditional dressing, but so much is new and
changing in the world. I think we are much less bound to respect
authority of our elders.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Em, Allentown, PA, United States, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Less than High School Diploma, Mesg ID 815200045443
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Question:
If he becomes vice president, is Joseph Lieberman's religion going to
be a hindrance or a help? Or is religion even an issue here?
POSTED 8/13/2000
Natasha, Capitol Heights, MD, United States, 28, Female, Christian,
Afro-Caribbean, Straight, receptionist, Technical School, Mesg ID
87200053558
Responses:
His religion will probably be a factor as he campaigns for the
vice presidency, but I doubt it will affect anything if he actually
becomes vice president. Assuming he and Cheney debate, a question
along this line could be raised - how he replies will surely sway
some voters one way or the other. Personally, it's not an issue with
me.
POSTED 8/14/2000
Paul, San Antonio, TX, United States, 53, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
8142000114424
I think Joe Lieberman will not be able to say anything in Israel's
defense without the charge (I believe false) of 'dual loyalty.'
Further, religion is an issue because the only way that Joe Lieberman
retains his political worth for the next election is if he maintains
his 'religious' views and supports school vouchers and reduction of
'filth in Hollywood.' He could get away with saying that he supports
a 'woman's right to choose' but that he personally would discourage
women from getting abortions. If he retains those three positions and
drops his position on Tort Reform (against the trial lawyers), he
might still retain his sobriquet of 'conscience of the Senate' (or I
guess he then becomes 'conscience of the White House') and thus his
political worth to overcome the 'taint' of Clinton. As far as getting
elected goes, it would seem that he gains some Republican votes
(Born-agains) and loses some Democratic base (secular extremists -
boy, they sure make a lot of noise on the radio talk shows) to Nader
on the same issue.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Burt B., Los Angeles, CA, United States, 39, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 815200053437
I don't think Lieberman's religion will matter all that much. The
right-wing anti-Semites would not have voted Democratic anyway, and
from what I know of the 'left-wing' anti-Semites (the followers of
Sharpton, etc.) they are unlikely to be voters at all. A Jewish vice
president is far more likely to be accepted by the 'mainstream' than,
say, a pagan or 'out' atheist. Certainly it does not matter to me.
Church and state are supposed to be separate.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Crystal, Oakland, CA, United States, Female, Pagan, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Office Manager, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
815200011352
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Question:
Why are most white women so sensitive, subjective and emotional
compared with minority women?
POSTED 8/13/2000
TMC, St.Louis, MO, United States, 19, Christian, Straight, Student,
High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 8112000121008
Responses:
At first I was a little annoyed by the assumption in your
question. It's perjorative and against the rules of this page, but
anyway ... As for whining, maybe you're right in that white women
whine more than black women (I know you didn't specify black, but I'm
making assumptions, too). Possibly this is because in white culture,
it's less acceptable for women to be loud, argumentative or
aggressive, so they resort to whining as the lesser of the two evils.
Although I don't think white women are more sensitive than any other
racial group, I think it's possible that, at times, they could appear
so, again because of somewhat different ideas on social interactions.
It's my impression that black social interaction allows for a lot
more teasing and putdowns than do white interactions. So it's
possible that whites do take more offense at what blacks consider
harmless banter. But I also find black women to be extremely
sensitive and prone to overinterpret the comments or behaviors of
whites as racist. I don't know what you mean about white women being
more subjective. How so? As for being more emotional, I'd really have
to disagree. I think black people, in general, tend to display more
emotions than whites. I think it's kind of a white thing to be more
cool and distant emotionally.
POSTED 8/16/2000
n/a, Philadelphia, PA, United States, <n148@aol.com>, Female,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 814200074839
I don't consider myself sensitive, subjective and emotional. But
what the heck: I would say you might find your answer in Abraham
Maslow's hierarchy of needs. According to Maslow, first off, people
try to meet their physiological needs; once those are met, they
address their need for safety; then love, then esteem, then
self-actualization. You wouldn't, for example, care about not having
a boyfriend if you had nowhere to live. So ... minority women are,
not always but often, poorer than white women. Thus, they're probably
likelier to get stuck at the physiological-needs level (trying to
find daycare or pay the rent), whereas a white woman might have the
luxury of being able to indulge her sensitive, subjective and
emotional side. So it wouldn't be that minority women are less
sensitive, etc., just that their situations, in some cases, might
force them to behave more pragmatically.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Sue, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 33, Female, White/Caucasian,
Middle class, Mesg ID 815200024712
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Question:
How do Muslims feel when they hear about another terrorist attack
orchestrated by Muslim fundamentalists, e.g., as is going on now in
the Philippines? Do they cringe, do they secretly believe that sort
of activity is sanctioned by their religion, or do they oppose it? If
they oppose it, would the opposition be in conformance with Islam, or
against it?
POSTED 8/13/2000
I. Singh, San Francisco, CA, United States, Female, Buddhist,
Indo-European, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 811200091307
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Question:
I was watching Big Brother on TV with a friend. I said I
thought Eddie was really great. My friend said, 'How can you look at
a man with one leg gone?' It doesn't matter to me - he's strong,
funny, open and handsome. Why would girls not want to go out with
Eddie?
POSTED 8/11/2000
Jayne, New York, NY, United States, 24, Female, Catholic, Asian,
Straight, media planner, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
7142000100446
Responses:
It was interesting on the show that Eddie told Cassandra he had
previously only dated older women, since younger women wouldn't date
a guy with one leg, but older women didn't seem to mind. I guess
compared to Eddie I'm an older woman, but it wouldn't have made any
difference to me when I was younger, either. He is sensitive, funny,
very masculine and extremely sexy! I do believe that I would need
some time to get used to whatever his stump looked like, and I don't
know that it would be easy, but that would absolutely not stop me
from dating him. I guess I didn't answer your question, but I wanted
to let you know that I think your friend is nuts, too.
POSTED 8/16/2000
Julie, San Francisco, CA, United States, 30, Female, Methodist,
Black/African American, Straight, Mid-level manager, 2 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 8142000102324
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Question:
Why have almost all the contestants on Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire been white and male? Is this a problem?
POSTED 8/13/2000
Rhiannon, Eden Prairie, MN, United States, <hyena@visi.com>,
30, Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 812200032446
Responses:
Considering the fact that contestants on the show initiate their
participation with a phone call during which they answer practice
questions, I cannot for an instant believe there is any
discrimination going on here. The show producers cannot determine
from the phone call what ethnicity the caller is, only whether they
have the knowledge to answer the type of questions asked on the
program. I know a man from my town who was one of the 10 at the
beginning of each round, and he said that no questions were asked
during the screening process about the race of the potential
contestants.
POSTED 8/17/2000
Kathy, Springfield, IL, United States, 48, Female, White/Caucasian,
administrative assistant, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 816200085914
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Question:
Which restroom do transsexuals use? I mean, a man who tries to be a
woman? Please excuse my ignorance, but I am trying to open myself to
the world. Also, does transsexualism have anything to do with
homosexuality?
POSTED 8/10/00
Robert, Phoenix, AZ, United States, Male, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Gay, Less than High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID
890085908
Responses:
As a single Christian woman, I attempt to live as chaste a life
as I can. This means that until marriage, I will remain celibate.
This is not just a random decision ... it is a way of life. I object
strenuously to men being in the same bathroom with me. Is the need of
a sexually confused person to be 'reassured' more important than my
right to privacy?
POSTED 8/13/2000
Amanda K., Jacksonville, FL, United States,
<POSITIVEVIBES@iwon.com>, 44, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Self-Employed, 2 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 811200014511
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Question:
Do male coaches of female athletes freely walk in and out of the
locker room? If not, where do they go during half time? Do they stand
outside the locker room while the women/girls are changing and then
walk in when everyone's decent? That seems very inefficient,
especially when a lot of half-time adjustments are in order. Also,
don't male coaches have to be sensitive to female problems as well?
How do they deal with them?
POSTED 8/9/00
David, Orange, CA, United States, 34, Male, Straight, engineer, Over
4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 880013517
Responses:
When I was on my high school diving team, we had a male coach,
and he was not allowed in the locker room at all. When he wasn't out
on the pool deck, he went into the men's locker room.
POSTED 8/13/2000
Trudy, San Jose, CA, United States, 18, Female, Straight, student,
High School Diploma, Mesg ID 8132000122839
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