Best of the Week
of Aug. 15, 1999
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Aug. 15, 1999, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our
new database using our search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
I want to know why Y? Forum allows asinine and degrading questions
about blacks or any other race's physical features to even be posted.
For example, I've read posts questioning why blacks have big lips,
why blacks' palms and soles are white in color, etc. To post
questions of this type implies that the physical features of whites
are the standard, and that anything else is abnormal or deviant.
Nothing positive or informative can be obtained from questions of
this nature, so why are they even entertained on this forum? As an
Afro-American, I find them offensive, and an error in judgment on the
part of the webmaster of this site.
POSTED 8/20/99
Shawn, Baltimore, MD, United States, <mrmoore15@hotmail.com> ,
30, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, MIS
Professional, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
8161999110700
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Question:
I am a 41-year-old man who has worked for a large international
corporation for 18 years. The company recently decided to change its
pension plan which, in effect, reduces my pension by about 40
percent. The plan primarily affects mid-career employees such as
myself. Those near retirement age (25 or more years of service) are
allowed to choose between the old and new plan. Our state
representatives in Washington are looking into the legality of this
and call it age discrimination. How do people in the business sector
view this? Discriminatory or not?
POSTED 8/19/99
Bill, Burlington, VT, United States, 41, Male, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 81999102850
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Question:
Can a man wear women's pantyhose or clothing and still be truly
heterosexual? Or does this mean he has homosexual feelings he is not
expressing?
POSTED 2/22/1999
Female, N/A, IL, United States, 25, Female, White/Caucasian, Mesg ID
2229960221
Responses:
As a 38-year-old man who occasionally wears pantyhose, and as
often as not wears panties, I am not homosexual in any way. I enjoy
the feel of the fabrics, and find the women's styles of undergarments
much more attractive than the men's styles. I have no desire to be
with a man, and though currently not in a relationship, I have had
many long-term relationships with women. Some of these women have
been understanding of my choice, but the usual case is, if they find
out, they are immediately put off. Of course, I can't speak for all
men who partake of this underwear selection, but for me there is no
hidden homosexual tendency.
POSTED 8/18/1999
Maxwell, Denver, CO, United States, 38, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Database administrator, High School
Diploma , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 817199943046
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Question:
In my family it is believed but not proven that we are of mixed race,
specifically Native American, but some of us also suspect
Afro-American (that part of the family has been in the United States
more than 200 years). I would be proud to be either, but many people
would not. I am very fair - red hair, hazel eyes - and if it were
proven, would you still consider me white? My cousin married a Puerto
Rican; their son is fair-skinned. On school forms that ask race, what
should they put: White, Hispanic or other?
POSTED 8/17/1999
Kelly, Brooklyn, NY, United States, 30, Female, Lutheran, Unsure of
race, Straight, Overnight stocking, 2 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 816199914101
Responses:
I think it's a shame that so many forms require you to "be" one
particular race. I would like to think that we'd gotten past this,
but we haven't. I would be tempted to specify None of Your Business
or None of the Above or Humanoid or some other such vague answer to
the question.
POSTED 8/18/1999
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 40, Male, Jewish, Engineer, 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 818199934822
Our society seems obsessed with labeling and categorizing people.
Many people are of mixed ethnicity and don't fit into the prescribed
categories. The choice is really up to you; you decide how you would
like to identify. And, if you don't like the choices, you can always
choose "other." That's really where most of us belong anyway.
POSTED 8/20/99
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, 24, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 817199951801
My sister in Kansas City encounters the same problem on government
forms. The government has it all wrong. They put Latin/Hispanic as a
race when it's not. My family is white/Caucasian and we are
Venezuelans since six generations ago (ethnically Latin/Hispanics),
like 30 percent percent of the population here. My six-year-old niece
looks like Snow White, is perfectly bilingual (English/Spanish) and
dances Latin rythms like crazy. So what does my sister (her mother)
put on government forms? She puts what they ask for, race, in our
case white/Caucasian. But when the school district people (for
example) hear them speaking in Spanish they ask them to correct that
and put Latin/Hispanic. Talk about ignorance! Racial tensions in the
United States will decrease when the government stops asking about
things like race, or when schools stop teaching racial highlights
like so and so was the first "African American" to do such and such,
as if they were a separate species. My advice to all Americans and
the U.S. Government: Just be that, Americans. It's easier than being
White-American, Afro-American, Hispanic-American, Asian-American and
all that bull.
POSTED 8/20/99
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 30, Male, Catholic, Salsa dancing
White/Caucasian, Lawyer/Business, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 8199934248
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Question:
Why does everybody worship Jesus when God has said not to worship
graven images or any other before him?
POSTED 8/17/1999
James L., Weston, WV, United States, 25, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Truck Driver, High School Diploma , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 816199982937
Responses:
As a Christian, I believe that Jesus was at the same time both
fully human and fully divine. The Holy Trinity is God is made up of
the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Therefore, I worship God the Father,
God the Son (Jesus) and God the Spirit. To me, worshipping Jesus is
the same as worshipping God. They cannot be separated.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Heather, Richmond, IN, United States, 25, Female, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Administration, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 817199994204
It is a common Christian belief that God assumed human form in the
person of Jesus and that if you worship Jesus you are worshipping
God. The idea is that they are so closely linked as to be one and the
same. Not all Christian denominations or individuals agree with this,
and some do not worship Jesus, but I can't give you a list of those
who don't.
POSTED 8/18/1999
Jim C., Rochester, NY, United States, 42, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Medical Technology, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 8171999100001
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Question:
I've noticed over the past few months that many products I buy have
both English and French on them. I would almost expect to find
Spanish on a label, but French? Does anyone know why this is?
POSTED 5/17/1999
Nancy, Fargo, SD, United States, 29, Female, Mesg ID 5169965550
Responses:
I know this will anger some, but with my experience with the
French, they do not want to read, speak, see or hear English, and
certainly want nothing to do with America. This even means refusing
to buy products with English words on them.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Rick, Amsterdam, , The Netherlands, 23, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Technical School , Middle class, Mesg ID
8171999110652
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Question:
What is the appropriate word to use for small people; i.e. those who
in the past were referred to as midgets or dwarfs?
POSTED 1/13/1999
Jackie J., Houston, TX, United Kingdom, Mesg ID 11399125505
Responses:
There are several terms to use. First, you should understand that
just because a person is not of average height, he or she does not
automatically fit into a category such as "dwarf, midget," etc. For
example, I have Brittle Bone Disease. It is not life-threatening, and
I am very physically and mentally healthy and live a very active
social life. Though this condition has caused small stature, it does
not fit into code words, if you get my meaning. However, I recently
met a gentlemen who is 82 years old. He is under the average height
chart and considers himself a midget. Though I cringed at just
hearing the word, he used it happily. Why? Because when he was
younger that term was acceptable. Today most people want to be called
human before they are labeled. I would suggest that if you know of
someone who is small, ask them how they refer to themselves. Watch
out, though. The answer may just be their given name.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Maria J. C., Bridgewater, NJ, United States, 31, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Osteo Genesis Imperfecta, High School
Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 817199921222
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Question:
Why, when I have a girlfriend, do so many more women (mainly those I
know/work with ) flirt heavily with me because they know I have a
girlfriend, but less so when I don't? When my girlfriend's not there,
say if I'm in a pub or club, I also have a better success rate in
chatting up women (flirting on my part). Is it to do with confidence,
i.e. do people exude a different type of confidence when involved
with someone than when they are single? Am I the only one
experiencing this phenomenon?
POSTED 8/17/1999
Billoo, London, NA, United Kingdom, 34, Male, Sikh, Asian, Straight,
Computer contractor, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
817199914330
Responses:
Women do tend to flirt more with men who are "taken" for two
reasons: 1) Men who are in relationships tend to exude a relaxed
confidence, rather than neediness and/or desperation. Confidence is
so much more attractive; desperation can be a real turn-off. 2)
Because you are attached, you are "safe." A woman can flirt with you
and assume that nothing will come of it, so rather than a means to an
end, the flirtation is a little harmless "spicing up" of her boring
day.
POSTED 8/19/99
Crystal, Oakland, CA, United States, 30's, Female, Pagan,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Office Manager, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 8189925706
The key is that the more you have your own thing going, the more
confident you are. Then, women will be drawn to you, no matter what
you look like. I would take computer courses, as I'm about to, to
improve your salary; then your options become greater, because you
can do more with more money. Before, when I obsessed over women,
things just didn't work out, and now that I'm getting educated, I've
calmed down. It's simple: Just play it cool. They will find you
through the signals of the game.
POSTED 8/20/99
Reich B., Atlanta, GA, United States, <rbenasutti@yahoo.com> ,
42, Male, Pagan, White/Caucasian, Straight, Customer service, 2 Years
of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 817199952713
I recently took a European vacation with another man and four
women. I noticed that I received much more attention from women while
I was sitting with the women I traveled with as opposed to sitting by
myself. I don't have an answer for you, but I can relate. Even at the
bar in my hometown, I notice women are more forward with me while I'm
wearing my ring.
POSTED 8/20/99
Joseph, Detroit, MI, United States, <dickvarney@aol.com> , 25,
Male, Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, Plumber, 2 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 817199973138
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Question:
How come black people have white palms, and the bottom of their feet
are white as well?
POSTED 8/15/1999
Sam, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, Male, Mesg ID 8131999104148
Responses:
The palms and soles of the feet of black people are white because
they don't have as much melanin in this area. Melanin gives people
their pigmentation. The more you've got, the darker you are. It is
unnecessary to have melanin in the feet and palms because they are
not easily exposed to the sun. Black skin evolved from living in very
hot climates.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Julia, London, NA, United Kingdom, 29, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Admininstrator, Technical School, Mesg ID
817199964951
The most obvious answer, I would think, is this: Lack of exposure
to the sun. Walking on your feet prevents the sun from tanning them.
The theory exists for hands. Working with them prevents exposure.
After all, generations and generations of sun exposure is what caused
people to be black-skinned in the first place.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Chris, Warren, MI, United States, 33, Male, Catholic, Arab, Straight,
Computer Programmer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
816199995829
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Question:
How do partially or totally paralyzed people confined to wheelchairs
handle their body functions?
POSTED 8/15/1999
Nancy, Tucson, AZ, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, Word
Processor, Technical School, Mesg ID 814199981957
Responses:
My friend John is paralyzed from the shoulders down (he has
limited use of his hands and arms). He has to wear a catheter to
catch his urine, which must be analyzed often to check for infection.
No, he can't feel it. Each morning he must also have an enema because
he has no control of his bowels. This saves much embarrassment on his
part. From what I understand, anyone like him has to have much the
same things done to them. Every morning and evening, his caretaker
checks his entire body for sores and signs of illness, and takes a
rectal temperature. Why? If John is in a hot environment, his body
temperature must be monitored. He doesn't sweat from the shoulders
down - severed nerves in his neck cause this - so his oral and rectal
temperature can be very different. If it's cool and he has a high
rectal temperature, this strongly suggests he is ill. Remember, he
can't feel anything from the shoulders down, so something like
appendicitis could kill him easily and quickly. By the way, he works
full time and is able to drive a specially equipped van!
POSTED 8/19/99
Jeni B., Boston, MA, United States, <JeniB@vjmail.com>, 33,
Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, Software Specialist, Over
4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 8199914635
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Question:
My grandmother made a comment about women of my age, saying, "Those
young women do not know how to attract men anymore." Thinking back on
my experience with women, I tend to think what she said is true. What
do you think of this?
POSTED 8/15/1999
Christopher D., Arlington, TX, United States,
<ngc1977@hotmail.com> , 23, Male, Christian, Straight, High
School Diploma , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 815199955237
Responses:
I don't think it is a matter of attracting men. I think there has
been a sort of culture change since your grandmother was younger.
Women today are much more career-oriented. They are not only allowed
to have families, but work and be a part of the working world as
well. I think your grandmother is just seeing that change in
attitude. She's seeing more women caring less about "finding
themselves a man" and caring more about their careers. Maybe I'm
wrong, but that seems to be what I see as different.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Stacia, Madison, WI, United States, Female, White/Caucasian
You are correct in your assumptions that Southern women tend to be
more "male centered" than the rest of the country. I think this is a
throw-back to the days of the steel magnolias. The women appear so
helpless and in need of a man to take care of them, when in fact,
they usually end up running the man and the marriage. In fact, many
of them begin to call themselves by their husband's name. For
example: Mrs. John Doe, as opposed to Mrs. Jane Doe. That surprised
me more than anything when I first came to the South. Perfect hair,
perfect makeup, perfect husband, perfect children, perfect house ...
the only thing is, it's really stressful being this perfect, and it
really wears on them. Most of the older ones are tired and grumpy and
very unforgiving of anyone not as perfect as they feel they are.
POSTED 8/17/1999
Cheryl, Atlanta, GA, United States, 51, Female, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, QA Analyst, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
816199933839
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Question:
Why don't gay women smile at each other? I'm pretty friendly, and
smile at strangers all the time - holding or going through doors,
riding in elevators, walking through the mall, everywhere. Most
people seem just as friendly, or at least polite - except lesbians!
As an out lesbian (albeit femme), I think it's ironic that the one
group of people I'd most appreciate returning the greeting just look
away or seem to ignore me. Does anyone else notice this issue? Am I
hallucinating?
POSTED 8/13/1999
M.H., Boston, MA, United States, 30, Female, White/Caucasian,
Lesbian, Urban professional, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
6109950757
Responses:
Most lesbians I know smile at each other even more than they do
at the general population, so I'd say your situation sounds unusual.
A few possibilities come to mind as to why a lesbian might not smile
at another lesbian: 1) She is in the closet and doesn't want to be
seen being friendly with a known lesbian for fear of being suspected
of being a lesbian, too. 2) A stranger might not recognize you as a
lesbian and doesn't want to encourage someone she considers a
straight woman. 3) She has a partner and wants to discourage what she
interprets as flirting. 4) She has heard some negative gossip about
you, disapproves of you for some reason, is dating your ex, or
otherwise wants to discourage friendship. 5) She likes you a lot but
looks away because of shyness or nervousness. I'm not familiar with
Boston, but what is considered the "proper" level of overt
friendliness toward strangers varies in different communities. It
could simply be that the community in which you now live has
different social customs than those to which you are accustomed.
However, if you are not new to the area or your current circle of
friends and find that quite a few lesbians seem to be actively
avoiding you (as opposed to simply being busy), you might ask one if
something is wrong - that you've tried being friendly, but feel that
other lesbians are avoiding you for some unknown reason, and would
she have any idea why that might be? If what you say is true, some
rumor about you might be circulating that needs to be cleared. Even
then, I give little credence to unsubstantiated rumors.
POSTED 8/14/1999
DykeOnByke, Southfiled, MI, United States,
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>, 49, Female, White/Caucasian, Lesbian,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
8141999125442
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