Best of the Week
of Aug. 19, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Aug. 19, 2001, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s database using the search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
I was recently sitting in a crowded subway car. At the next
station, a young woman entered the car, stood in front of me and
started to talk to another young woman standing next to me in a voice
loud enough to be easily heard (and I assume directed at me). She
talked about chivalry being dead, how she rarely encounters men
giving up their seat for her on a subway car and how women's lib has
spoiled everything. This has happened twice in the past two weeks.
I'm happy to give my seat up for an elderly man or woman, a disabled
person or an obviously pregnant woman. I don't understand why women
still expect men to accommodate them simply because of their gender.
How do others feel about this?
POSTED 8/23/2001
Roger D., New York, NY, United Kingdom,
<rdapiran@erols.com>, 48, Male, White/Caucasian, Gay,
Self-employed, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 8212001114344
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Question:
Are there people who wear diapers from infancy to their teens
and into adulthood?
POSTED 12/27/1999
Angie, Charleston, SC, United States, <Wynonna@aol.com>,
24, Female, Baptist, White/Caucasian, Straight, High School Diploma,
Middle class, Mesg ID 1112199995035
Responses:
Yes, I wear diapers just because I love the feeling of it. They
are a great invention, and I wear one all the time. I am not that big
of a person, so I just wear something like Huggies and duct-tape the
sides to make the diaper a bit bigger. Soon I will have to get
adult-size diapers, but they don't have designs on them, and I feel
more like a baby in Huggies or Pampers.
POSTED 8/21/2001
Rather not say, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, Mesg ID 817200182331
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Question:
I often read the posts here on Y? Forum, look at the news and
read other news-related materials. I often come across 'white'
America's view on the state of 'blacks' in America. I am confused
about how, why and where 'white' Americans come up with their
assumptions. There was a recent study cross-matching 'white'
assumptions with actual statistics of 'black' America. Needless to
say, the results were so far apart that the data points could not be
charted. If 'white' America is making these assumptions from the one
or two 'blacks' they come across in the workplace or neighborhood,
how can they transfer that to a whole population? I guess it comes
across in reverse - that they see ghetto images and think that also
applies to all. I just want to know: what are people thinking?
POSTED 8/21/2001
R.J., Washington, DC, United States, 26, Female, Presbyterian,
Black/African American, Straight, doctor, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 8162001111134
Responses:
Most whites I know get their viewpoint on race relations the same
way anyone else does: personal experience, media, innate bias. And if
you want the truth, most whites I know don't even really want to
think about it because the market on this discussion has been
dominated by blacks. No matter what opinion a white person could
share on blacks in America, it would be immediately pounced upon as
racist, ignorant and hopelessly generalized. I will state my opinion:
In the last 20 years, an increasing section of the black population
has moved comfortably into the middle class, carrying with them
economic, educational and political power. However, it has not
carried an equivalent level of comfort in dealing with whites. The
poorer black population is worse off than 20 years ago because they
are marginalized against whites and middle class blacks. Whites today
are far less likely to make overt racist comments, but this is
because of fear rather than enlightenment. Institutional racism is
beginning to be understood by a larger portion of the white
population. Blacks have regressed in having public leaders who
clearly identify with the racial causes. Current black cause leaders
are viewed as buffoons by whites, whereas 20 years ago, whites viewed
black leaders with fear. Today white leaders overtly play the race
card from both sides and are not even subtle about it. There is a
large generation gap with whites in regard to interracial sexual
relations. Whites under 30 seem far more comfortable having black
partners than those over 30. No one but no one, white or black, can
make a good argument for Affirmative Action, but no one has a better
idea, either. I could go on ... how do I match up against your
survey?
POSTED 8/23/2001
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 45, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Cubicle Kind of Guy, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class,
Mesg ID 8212001105118
I gather my opinions from what I see, read and hear. I see quite a
few blacks, have read quite a bit of black literature
(fiction/non-fiction) and hear your culture through the contributions
of your artists. What more do I need to perceive? Is there anything?
I think you are a group of citizens who are as diverse as whites, but
not as large. Money and education make a difference in this country,
and both seem to be lacking in the black community. Some nice people,
some mean. Some happy, some sad, etc.
POSTED 8/23/2001
Matthew, New York City, NY, United States, 43, Male, Middle class,
Mesg ID 822200145656
I have grown up watching Good Times and Fat Albert, where the
families lived in the projects. My dad would drive us into Chicago,
and we would go through poor, black neighborhoods with littered
streets. I would hear on the news of gang members shooting each
other. As I got older, I saw movies like 'Colors,' 'Do the Right
Thing,' 'Jungle Fever,' 'Boyz in The Hood' - movies that all took
place in the ghetto. I would drive home through poor neighborhoods
with littered streets, and the majority of the residents were black
and openly selling drugs. I would hear rapper after rapper talk about
how they came from 'the streets,' and rap about gang affiliation,
often glamorizing violence. When someone would talk about 'inner-city
youth,' it usually meant black kids, and they would talk about the
threat of drugs, gangs and violence in their lives. I'm unsure what
assumptions whites made, but these are the dominant images, and when
a black person says of these images, 'This is how it is - I'm just
keeping it real' - what can one expect?
POSTED 8/23/2001
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, 38, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Less than High School Diploma, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 8222001122845
I grew up in a lily white community, raised by parents without any
racial bigotry. I had no assumptions about blacks when I entered
college and found myself living in a co-ed dorm with the entire OSU
football team, mostly African Americans. These guys were funny, macho
and none too studious, and I suppose that informed my early opinions.
I have since worked in the music and film industries with some
incredibly educated, talented and accomplished black men and women.
As I live in a relatively cosmopolitan city, I see blacks of all
types, from rappers to physicians, politicians to street people. I
think I have a well-rounded view of African Americans, but I know
that a lot of whites, especially those living in smaller cities and
towns, might not have had the benefit of my experience. They form
their views of black America from what they see on TV, which is
skewed by the media's concentration on youth culture and the major
networks' inability to adequately diversify their programming. Too
many non-black Americans fail to support good African American shows
like the late, lamented City Of Angels or the current cable offering
Soul Food. In short, people don't want to be challenged or to think
too much. I hope things are getting better, but gauging from the
NAACP's recent reports on blacks in fiction programming, I fear they
are not.
POSTED 8/23/2001
Emma, Los Angeles, CA, , Female, White/Caucasian, Mesg ID
8222001125341
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Question:
What is the difference between a stripper and a fashion model
who is almost naked on stage? And why is the person who makes those
clothes usually a short, old, fat man?
POSTED 8/21/2001
Maria, Paris, NY, France, 18, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID 817200170756
Responses:
What is the difference between a fashion model and a stripper?
About 10 grand a day. Actually, there is a difference: A fashion
model walking down the catwalk in the latest Gucci, Betsy Johnson or
whatever is selling the idea of high-end glamor. That is the idea of
wealth and power through the use of clothes, which is probably why
you will always have celebrities and the very well-to-do at these
shows rather than the usual crowd you see at a strip bar. When the
high-end audience sees a model walking down the catwalk, the focus is
more on her clothes and how she carries them rather than her body. If
it was more for the sexual nature of the body, then a curvier model
would be the norm rather than the sleek, almost non-curved model.
(Compare a Playboy Bunny to the latest model find and you will see
the difference.) On the other hand, a stripper is portraying a
different and single idea: sex. She isn't selling the idea of 'You
too can be as glamorous as me if you have these clothes and carry
them the way I do.' Rather, a stripper is doing her catwalk dance for
the sexual pleasure of her audience. And that's it. While there is a
sexiness to a fashion show, that isn't the direct idea, and it isn't
the only idea - unlike stripping.
POSTED 8/23/2001
Nicole, Virginia Beach, VA, United States, 24, Female, Catholic,
Irish/Puerto Rican, Straight, Mesg ID 8222001113655
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Question:
Why do people assume all Asian people just 'got right off the
boat?' My family has been here five generations. I've been told 'you
speak very good English for a foreigner.' Give me a break, I don't
speak any other language. When people ask me where I'm from and I say
Baltimore, they'll say 'No, where are you really from? I even had one
guy who had just met me chastise me and say, 'Young lady, you know
you weren't born here.'
POSTED 8/20/2001
K. Miller, Baltimore, MD, United States, 36, Female, Asian,
Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 820200115631
Responses:
Giving kids nicknames as legal first names (such as Sally and
Peggy), not encouraging them to 'be American/Canadian,' living in an
area dominated by your home culture and not encouraging them to go to
summer camps and other North American activities does not help.
Seriously, this sort of behavior only adds to non-Asians perceiving
Asians as 'outsiders.'
POSTED 8/21/2001
C.C., Somewhere, NA, Canada, 22, Female, Asian, University
Student, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 821200180630
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Question:
Why do black people, particularly in London (African and
Carribean), suck their teeth with their tongue or pucker up their
lips?
POSTED 8/20/2001
Gemma F., London, NA, United Kingdom, 31, Female, New
Age/Metaphysical, White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 817200120406
Responses:
You shouldn't study 'black people' in the sense of watching or
staring to see how they behave. Accept that I am a person no
different than yourself. I could take a sample of people you consider
white and exaggerate that white people are watching me.
POSTED 8/21/2001
Corwin J., Baton Rouge, LA, United States,
<corwinjohnson@hotmail.com>, 26, Male, Muslim, Black/African
American, Straight, information services, Over 4 Years of College,
Mesg ID 8212001122011
But that's precisely what Y? Forum is about: asking those
questions about people's differences that a repressive society
usually makes us too embarrassed to ask. 'Staring' is just a form of
mankind's natural curiosity. This site takes the stand that curiosity
and asking questions are OK. Please don't make us embarrassed to ask
the questions here, too, because, as can be seen, there are many
people who want to ask, and just as many who want to answer. It's
said that the truth shall set you free, and I'm sure you don't want
to block the free flow of information.
POSTED 8/23/2001
Joel S., Helsinki, NA, Finland, <jjesam@saunalahti.fi>, 18,
Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Middle class, Mesg
ID 823200115118
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Question:
To girls: How do you react when you hear guys talking about
sex?
POSTED 8/20/2001
Shey, cavite, LA, Phillipines, <loislane_162001>, 19,
Female, Christian, Asian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 817200164617
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Question:
Why don't most lesbians wear make-up?
POSTED 8/10/2001
Miisa, Helsinki, NA, Finland, <>, 22, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Mesg ID 8102001101644
Responses:
Many lesbians wear makeup. I, a moderately feminine lesbian,
never wear makeup. I hate it! Mascara runs, lipstick smears,
foundation makes me sweat. Some lesbians I know wear makeup daily and
won't leave the house without it. We are pretty much like most women
in the world.
POSTED 8/15/2001
Melissa, Cincinnati, OH, United States, <lesparent@aol.com>,
Female, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, health educator, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 814200123302
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Question:
Why is it that whenever a tragedy befalls a black person, such
as a death or a murder of a family member, the victim's family
members are immediately on the evening news, sometimes a half hour
later, talking about it? I would be so grief-stricken I would not
want to talk to anyone.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Ted, Wayne, MI, United States, Male, Mesg ID 819200151357
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Question:
I'm a 17-year-old girl who has never had a boyfriend and has
never even kissed a guy, whereas many girls my age have had numerous
boyfriends (and you can bet they do a lot more then kissing). I don't
think I'm ugly, because when I'm out guys will come up to me all the
time and tell me I'm beautiful. But that's where it stops. Strangers
compliment me all the time, but nobody has ever tried to get to know
me and ask me out. People tell me I have a model's figure, too.
Somebody once told me that perhaps it's because guys view me as
unapproachable. For the guys out there (or girls if you think you
could provide an answer): what makes a girl unapproachable?
POSTED 8/13/2001
Madeline, New York, NY, United States, 17, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, theater, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 812200190556
Responses:
I saw a poll about how people know the opposite sex is attracted
to them. I think women said it's when a guy keeps looking at them,
but men said it was when a woman kept talking to them. So the next
time someone comes up and says you're beautiful, you might keep
talking and see it that works.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Beth, Indianpolis, IN, United States, Female, Mesg ID
8192001115720
It could be: Your body language - If you're sitting or standing in
a manner that says 'Get away' or 'Don't come near me,' people will
stay away and not come near you. Or if your body language suggests
the opposite - many guys steer clear of women who seem too inviting
or desperate. Or maybe you just seem (unintentionally) uninterested
or busy. Many guys tell me their first impression of me was that of
aloofness or arrogance (both couldn't be further from the truth), but
I can see how someone else could say/see that because I'm in my own
world most of the time. It could be: That they're intimidated by your
appearance. Many men feel insecure in the presence of an attractive
woman. On the other hand, some men view perfectly attractive women as
brainless Buffy's only concerned with their hair and clothes. It
could be a number of things, but don't beat yourself over it. Just
try to feel comfortable with yourself and hopefully others will feel
at ease with you, also. And lastly, don't think about it. You never
find things when you're looking for them or waiting for them to
happen.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Lisa, Gaithersburg, MD, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, Mesg ID 8202001121004
I think if someone shows their self-confidence to society, he or
she will be approachable, definitely. You say you look good, and
that's great. But, and I speak for myself, a male needs to see the
inner side of a female and love it before the outside. That's the
path for good acceptance.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Yariv, rishon, IL, Israel, <yarivdavid@yahoo.com>, 25, Male,
Jewish, White/Caucasian, Straight, student of nursing, 2 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 816200162500
There may be many reasons you are not approached. I am not a
beauty queen, but I ran into much the same problem when I was
younger. With me, it seemed as if my shyness was interpreted as
'being snobby' when it wasn't the case at all. So I learned to be
more friendly. If an interesting guy approaches you and compliments
you, it helps if you respond to him in one of two ways: friendly
('Why thank you, that was a very sweet thing to say' - with a big
smile) or with a sense of humor (Thanks... You're not so bad
yourself! - another big smile) It's your willingness to BE approached
which makes you more approachable. I am considered attractive by many
men. However, I have found that I am most often approached by men who
I respond to first. I compliment them on their clothing, or I respond
to a comment they made, or I just smile at them in passing. Perhaps
you need to give a little in order to get a lot.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Susan, Jacksonville, FL, United States, 41, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Realtor, 2 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 818200133733
Beauty can make a girl unapproachable. Most regular young guys
don't have the confidence to go after a really beautiful female. And
getting shot down by one won't help the old confidence level, either.
But you may also give off body language signals that tell people to
keep away, such as not making eye contact with anyone. That's all I
can think of for your situation.
POSTED 8/20/2001
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 814200191915
Assuming for a moment that you are better looking than most girls,
it is safe to assume that most guys will think you are
'unapproachable.' Most guys honestly don't think they have a chance
with you and are afraid of getting 'shot down' in front of everyone.
People have the preconceived notion that a beautiful person can 'have
anyone they want'; therefore, why risk the embarrassment of getting
shot down? So it is up to you: if you see a guy you are really
interested in, but think he will never ask you out, then you have to
make the first move. Start slowly, don't thrust yourself into his
world. Let him get to know you first, and when he feels comfortable
around you, ask him out. I can't tell you the number of times I was
afraid to ask someone out because of getting shot down. In fact, I
went to my senior prom stag because I was affraid of getting
rejected. Later, after the fact, at least three girls (very pretty
girls) told me they wished they went out with me because their dates
turned out to be jerks because they only saw their female companions
as 'trophies.'
POSTED 8/20/2001
Murray C., Halifax, Nova Scotia, NA, Canada, 33, Male, Straight,
Draftsman, Technical School, Upper middle class, Mesg ID
816200145355
From a guy's point of view, the fact is that most heterosexual men
are reluctant to get involved with a bisexual woman. They generally
expect gender fidelity. You might fare better if you seek out
bisexual men (and they are fewer in number). Then both parties know
which team(s) they are batting for, and how to score a home run!
POSTED 8/20/2001
David C., Brisbane, NA, Australia, Male, Mesg ID 816200151429
There are several things that make a girl look unapproachable.
First, if she is with another guy, especially (in your age bracket) a
'big man' (football captain, etc.). Second, if she is always in a
group of girlfriends: when a guy approaches, does she step forward to
talk, or do the girls close ranks around her? Third, if she is not
outgoing, guys will assume she is not interested; I imagine that
beautiful-but-shy girls are perceived as stand-offish. I don't know,
because I always assumed they didn't want to have anything to do with
me and never found out if they were just shy.
I guess I could sum it up by asking if a guy you didn't like asked
you out, would you accept? Would you turn him down kindly? Or would
you and your friends start giggling at his audacity?
POSTED 8/20/2001
Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, 53, Male,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 816200114731
The most significant aspect of being unapproachable is attitude.
Are you being shy? Standoffish? Probably, and without meaning to be.
You probably lack the experience to respond 'correctly' to attention
paid to you, which may put people off-balance. Try being more
outgoing. This is the 21st century; you can ask guys out. I also note
that at 17 you have two years of college. That probably intimidates
guys your age, and your age puts your fellow students on edge.
POSTED 8/21/2001
Alex J., Beloit, WI, United States,
<first_wizard@hotmail.com>, 18, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, Student, High School Diploma, Upper class, Mesg ID
8202001115708
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