Best of the Week
of Aug. 22, 1999
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Aug. 22, 1999, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our
new database using our search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question:
I recently ran across the name "Hashem" as a name for God. I never
saw this before, but it was on a web page about Orthodox Judaism. I
wondered about the derivation of it and consulted my dictionary, but
all I found was "hashemites," who were a group of people, so that
didn't fit. So what is the etymology of the name "Hashem"?
POSTED 8/27/1999
Nancy, Tucson, AZ, United States, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Technical School, Mesg ID 8219924932
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Question:
Why is it that whenever I hear something just totally crazy,
something I would never have thought of doing, it's always white
people who are doing it? For example, devil workship, white kids
killing their own parents and other kids, and even weird sexual
fetishes. I even saw something involving white kids eating human
waste for a keg of beer. I don't see any people of color doing this
kind of stuff, unless they grew up with white people or hang around
them too much. I'm not talking about all white people because I have
some cool white friends. But do many white people not have any
self-esteem?
POSTED 8/27/1999
Cheemama, New York, NY, United States, 25, Female, American Indian/
Latino, Lesbian, Entrepreneur, 2 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 825199980116
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Question:
This has bugged me for months: I have heard the word boo used by
black women in describing a relationship. Now, I was married to a
black woman for 17 years until she passed away, and I thought I was
pretty knowledgable, but this word really doesn't make any sense to
me. What does it mean?
POSTED 8/27/1999
Dorssie M. Jr., Pensacola, FL, United States,
<www.lavernemelvin@prodigy.net>, 52, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Retired soldier, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 826199925223
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Question:
My family has been invited to a celebration of circumcision for our
neighbors' newborn baby. I am not sure what to expect. We have two
boys ages 11 and 14, and she said they should come, but would not
have to watch. Could someone explain what might be involved, and also
what an appropriate gift might be for this occasion?
POSTED 8/25/1999
Beth Y., Emporia, KS, United States, <yewells@valu-line.com>,
38, Female, Catholic, White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
7229992649
Responses:
I presume you are referring to a Jewish cirumcision, called a
Brit Mila. There's some fairly brief ceremonial stuff, some
blessings, the baby is passed from his grandfather to father and also
to an honored person, vaguely like a "godfather." The actual
circumcision is performed by a specially trained person called a
"mohel," (pronounced moy-el). It is done quite fast; a good mohel can
do it so fast that if you don't pay attention you'll miss it. It's
all followed by a lot of eating and socializing. The kid tends to
scream for a brief moment, and then it's over. Come to think of it,
kids tend to scream anyway. I think you ought to go, and bring your
kids, and encourage them to watch. They're old enough to understand
what is being done. I think that you ought to explain the whole thing
to them before you go, so they're not shocked. It's really cool, and
there ought to be no problems. I invited a friend with three kids
(from about 12 to 6) to the Brit Mila for my youngest, and they were
cool and really enjoyed the experience. Any gift that you give for a
newborn would be appropriate, like baby clothing or toys.
POSTED 8/27/1999
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 40, Male, Jewish, Engineer, 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 825199910435
I'm Christian and had never been to a bris until my girlfriend's
son was born. I went with much trepidation and a preconceived notion
that a bris was "barbaric." I felt the best place for this procedure
was a hospital with a qualified doctor in attendance. I was very
surprised to witness a beautiful celebration. I was not in the room
when it was done, and I don't recommend that you or your children be
a witness to the act. What I did find very sweet, however, was that
when it was done, he was placed in the loving arms of his family, and
not put in his cold basinette at a hospital. If the gathering is
anything like the one I was at, you can expect a "Christening" kind
of atmosphere, along with a naming ceremony. The only people present
at the actual circumcision were the immediate family (except for the
baby's mother, who couldn't watch). As for a gift, I would think
anything you would give to welcome a baby into the world would be
appropriate and appreciated.
POSTED 8/27/1999
Barbara, New York, NY, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, Mesg
ID 826199924611
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Question:
My sister has William's Syndrome, a little-known, very rare (1 in
20,000) disablity that gives kids physical, emotional and educational
problems. While William's kids do have a certain "look," it is not as
recognizable as a Down's look, etc., because it is so rare. This
leads to funny looks from strangers when my 10-year-old sister (who
looks like a normal kid) does things such as fussing and whining over
small things, etc. I get embarrassed by my sister doing these things,
and strangers just thinking she's a spoiled brat. Is this right? My
parents says she's my sister, and I should learn to live with it.
Also, my parents say this does not reflect on me, just them, because
they are the parents. I say they are wrong, it reflects on everyone
with her, including me. What do other people think. If you saw a
10-year-old girl who looks normal doing something like crying and
whining over small things, what would you think of her, and the
people with her?
POSTED 8/23/1999
Matt C., Arlington, MA, United States, 15, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, High School Student, Less than High School Diploma ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 8209942425
Responses:
My sister, who is just a year younger than I, is a
high-functioning autistic. I can relate very much to what you're
saying. Aside from her posture (she slouches sometimes), she appears
as a perfectly normal person. This is only appearence, though. Even
at 18, she still throws tantrums in stores, screams, yells, cries and
just about everything that should make me feel self-conscious in
those public places. What I've learned has been a difficult lesson,
but a good one. First, I know that I can't apply the world's rules of
logic to her. This means that anything can happen at any time and
it's not her fault The second thing is the realization that I don't
care what people around me think. She's my sister and I love her more
than anything in this world. Your concern shouldn't be with image.
Trust me on this. You've got to be a good big brother for your
sister. You've got to be there for her and try to understand her, no
matter how frustrating it gets. And never be ashamed of her, please,
just never be ashamed of her. In many ways you're blessed to have her
as a sister. Trust me on that, too.
POSTED 8/24/1999
D.G. Brown, Tigard, OR, United States, 19, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, College Student, 2 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 824199935717
I understand how bad being embarrassed in public can make you
feel. My brother is not disabled but throughout my childhood I was
known as the sister of Daniel the weirdo. He used to wear
deliberately awful-looking clothes and spoke in a voice that nobody
else used. Even now as an adult he has this amazing ability to
embarrass me in public. Obviously my situation is enormously
different, and I was perhaps able to argue and fight with my brother
in a way that you are not with your sister. I know that people will
always say to you that it doesn't matter what other people think, and
that the only opinions you should really care about are from your
friends and family. Of course that's true, but it doesn't prevent
embarrassment. The only thing that prevents embarrassment is having
enormous self-confidence, something I'm getting more of the older I
get. By the way, if I saw you with your 10-year-old sister while she
was crying/whining, I would think how mature and responsible you are
to look after your sister when she is upset. Big cars and expensive
trainers aren't the only things that impress people.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Beth, Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom,
<ebaines@holyrood.ed.ac.uk>, 25, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, PhD Student, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg
ID 824199973848
My understanding of Williams' Syndrome is that your sister,
although challenged with limitations in her reasoning, has extremely
heightened hearing, musical ability and emotional depth. You need to
understand that no two people receive information the same way, and
less so for your sister. However, as you continue to finish your
education, you need to understand that you will, more and more, learn
to appreciate your sister's heightened abilities as gifts. Compared
to the person you are going to be when you are 25, right now, you are
a mess. Otherwise, there would be no further need to educate you, and
you would be on your way to the world of the working week at the age
of 15. I'm not saying it's easy, just that you need to understand
that you will be compensated for your patience, if you don't abuse
your situation too much.
POSTED 8/27/1999
Mike L., Walnut Creek, CA, United States,
<mleung@mikeleung.com>, 29, Male, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
824199994710
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Question:
It seems to me that women take longer than men to accept, trust and
be open with each other. Men seem to band together and have more of a
laugh, yet women seem to be less sociable with their own sex. Is this
part of our genetic makeup, or is it based on socialization and
expectations?
POSTED 8/23/1999
Anatole R., London, NA, United Kingdom, 25, Female, Taoist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College,Middle class, Mesg
ID 81999101840
Responses:
Women are instinctively very communal - meaning we are naturally
very social and look to one another for support. Women rely on each
other for emotional help, advice, help with daily chores, etc. This
type of closeness forms very strong bonds between women, but it
requires the women to be close, not new acquaintances. Women often
view women they do not know as threatening, and therefore are cold to
them. I don't know if this is instinctual or due to socialization,
but women tend to view other women as competition for male attention.
I have noticed that in situations where no men are present, women
tend to be much more open to women they do not know who are
introduced into the group. It definitely takes women longer than men
to become friends, but the friendships between women are generally
closer than those between men.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Lucy H., San Jose, CA, United States, <Lucy357@aol.com>, 24,
Female, Hispanic/Latino, Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 823199981438
I partially disagree with your analysis, and I also think that the
answer is socialization and expectations, nurture rather than nature,
if you will. I disagree with your premise of how fast it takes women
vs. men to make friends. Men make superficial friendships more
quickly, that is true, but women make long-lasting, deeper
friendships more quickly, in my experience. During youth, men are
grouped together in sports, in playtime, and women are pitted against
each other in social competition. How close man and women are differs
also on the basis of where you are from. When I lived in Africa,
there were more activities in school where girls were grouped
together, so I found myself able to meet more people. On the other
hand, when I returned to the States, I became more of a Man's woman,
and made friends with men more easily, but not the chummy kinds of
sporting events or "pub" friends most of my male friends have. I
found that for my male friends, they were looking for someone to talk
to about how they feel, what they think, what their goals and dreams
are. This was something they often did not get from their male
friends, or so they told me. I'm willing to bet that it differs from
country to country.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Tinu, Greenbelt, MD, United States, 27, Female, Sprirtualist,
Black/African American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 823199921547
Before I became a parent, I believed in socialization/expectation.
When I had my sons, I stayed at home to raise them. I expected them
to be people, not stereotypical men, and I spent an enormous amount
of time trying to teach them that. They are in their teens and I now
concede that it's an impossible task. I've learned that men are men
and women are women. It's not about socialization. Our friendships,
problem-solving, and committment to the group are (generally) totally
opposites. The "yin" and "yang" of men and women is from birth - ask
any parent.
POSTED 8/27/1999
Colleen, Quantico, VA, United States, <congdon@illuminet.net>,
38, Female, Stay-at-home-mom, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 825199982749
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Question:
I've always wondered why some smokers seem oblivious to the fact that
throwing their cigarette butts to the ground wherever they just
happen to be is actually littering. These same people would probably
never consider throwing a candy wrapper on the ground or out their
car window, yet don't hesitate to dispose of their cigarette butts
that way. Do these people think that cigarette butts disintegrate
(biodegrade) quickly? I'm sure they don't. Are these people so
consumed by backlash against anti-smoking advocates that they see
this as a form of passive revenge? I find it amazing and sad that I
can't stop in my car at a curb anywhere without seeing the curb
littered with tens or hundreds of cigarette butts. I've even seen
people who think nothing of emptying their entire ashtray in the
middle of the road or in a parking lot. I used to work at a company
that had large ashtrays outside the door where people gathered to
smoke. Yet the landscaping directly in front of this area was
littered with dozens of cigarette butts. What gives?
POSTED 8/23/1999
Jim C., Dayton, OH, United States, 34, Male, White/Caucasian, Gay,
Systems Engineer, 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID
8209943644
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Question:
What is the theology behind Catholics not eating meat on Fridays?
POSTED 8/23/1999
Nancy, Thomas, AZ, United States, Female, Methodist, White/Caucasian,
Mesg ID 8219924304
Responses:
It's not a question of theology or doctrine so much as it is a
pious practice of Catholics to do penance for their sins. Christ died
on Friday. Meat is somewhat of a luxurious food. So we give it up.
Fish has historically not been considered 'meat' for these purposes,
though it would be hard to take lobster tail or steamed shrimp
seriously as penances, for these are if anything more 'luxurious'
than beef, pork, or chicken. You can also go vegetarian or vegan,
that's your choice. It is just a token of respect to Our Lord and His
suffering. By the way, many Catholics think this practice was done
away with (except for during Lent) by Vatican II. That is not true.
The relaxed attitude of modern Catholics does not accurately reflect
traditional Catholic faith or practice.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 38, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
823199984022
I am Catholic but not an expert in all things related to my
religion. It is my understanding that Catholics do not eat meat on
Fridays during Lent as a form of sacrifice and remembrance. Meat is
considered a luxury or a treat, and forgoing it is a way of making a
personal sacrifice in remembrance of Christ's suffering. It used to
be more common that Catholics did not eat meat on any Friday, but now
this practice is usually restricted to Lent (a 40-day period leading
up to Easter). Incidentally, I read recently that this practice, as
well as some other religious practices regarding what people eat or
how it is prepared, may have started because of food safety problems.
Centuries ago, when these practices started, there may have been
problems with bacteria or disease, so the religious leaders told
their followers that God wanted them not to eat meat (or to prepare
food a certain way, etc.) and the practice held up over time,
although the reason may not have been known.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Michelle, St. Louis, MO, United States, 27, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Accountant, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 8231999114553
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Question:
I have noticed this all my life: Why is it that black women who are
overweight exude self-confidence, while most white overweight women
hate themselves and try desperately to change their bodies? Is it a
cultural thing? Has anyone else noticed this?
POSTED 8/23/1999
Jennie, Huntington, WV, United States, 22, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Office worker, 2 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 8219964358
Responses:
As a black woman who has been overweight most of my life, I can
say that one reason for the confidence we have is that our men
culturally seem to prefer our curves - they tell us that they prefer
a curvy size 9 to a skinny size 6. They say they prefer a slightly
rounded belly to seeing our rib bones sticking out. Other women of
our culture reinforce this preference up to a certain point. As long
as we are proportional and healthy, we make the cut. For my height, I
have always been a little too big by cover girl standards, a D cup
and wide hips. But this is the first time in my life I have felt
truly overweght, and even now I am only 30 pounds outside my ideal.
We also did not necessarily internalize the national/international
standard of beauty because it did not include us, but this is
changing. Bulimia and anorexia nervosa is increasing in young black
teens at an alarming rate. Hopefully the majority of us will see our
curves as a blessing, and maybe the world's image of what a beautiful
woman is will change back to what it was before about 100-200 years
ago, a healthy medium. After all, the average size woman, black or
white, is a size 12.
POSTED 8/24/1999
Tinu, Greenbelt, MD, United States, 27, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,Mesg ID
823199923222
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Question:
I want to know why Y? Forum allows asinine and degrading questions
about blacks or any other race's physical features to even be posted.
For example, I've read posts questioning why blacks have big lips,
why blacks' palms and soles are white in color, etc. To post
questions of this type implies that the physical features of whites
are the standard, and that anything else is abnormal or deviant.
Nothing positive or informative can be obtained from questions of
this nature, so why are they even entertained on this forum? As an
Afro-American, I find them offensive, and an error in judgment on the
part of the webmaster of this site.
POSTED 8/20/99
Shawn, Baltimore, MD, United States, <mrmoore15@hotmail.com> ,
30, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, MIS
Professional, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
8161999110700
Responses:
I think you are over-reacting. The questions you use in your
example come once in a blue moon. Agreed, "Why do black people have
white palms" is a silly question. But, what would you rather see, an
ignorant Caucasian (like myself) post a question like that on the
Internet, where no real harm is done, or have the same person stop
you in the middle of the street and say, "Hello, black person, tell
me, Why are your palms white?" only to embarrass both you and that
silly honky? Admit it, there are worse questions that could be
posted, and I think Y? Forum does a good job weeding out the
"questionable" ones. You say, "As an Afro-American, I find them
(questions) offensive." Well, Steve, as a Caucasian, I find (some) of
these questions informative. I never knew what "melanin" was until I
read the "white palm" question. Agreed, the questions could be better
worded, but they wouldn't be as interesting. Why don't you take the
opportunity and post some of your own silly questions like "Why do
all rednecks seem to be inbred?" or, to borrow a page from comedian
Chris Rock, "Why don't white people have any butts?" (That question
blows your "Whites are standard" theory.) Anyway, loosen up and just
take these questions for what they are : Questions! Peace
POSTED 8/20/1999
Murray C., Halifax, NA, Canada, 31, Male, Unitarian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Draftsman, Technical School , Middle class,Mesg ID
8209913536
If you can't ask questions like that here, then where can you? I
mean, isn't that the whole reason for this site? Do you want to
pretend that the culture of America is not overwhelmingly white? This
seems incredibly thin-skinned to me. I have a question about blacks:
Why do so many young black males seem to walk around with one pant
leg pulled up? What does that signify? I never see any other ethnic
group doing that.
POSTED 8/20/1999
Chris H., Kokomo, IN, United States, 41, Catholic, White/Caucasian,
Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 82099120002
Your question is very thought-provoking. At first thought I would
suggest you just click off if the questions offend you. However, then
none of us could learn from you. When Y? Forum is at its best is when
questions are asked, hopefully in innocence, and the responses have
turned on a light. While it may anger you to see questions about the
color of the palm of your hands, as a white person, I can't begin to
tell you the hooey I heard about that growing up in white
neighborhoods. Finding out that simply asking can provoke anger is
good data, also.
POSTED 8/20/1999
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 39, Male, White/Caucasian,
Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 8209925912
I disagree with you completely. Questions regarding the minor
physical differences between whites and non-whites are as valid as
any other question. You claim that the questions assume that the
physical features of whites are standard and everything else is
deviant. On what evidence do you base this assumption? The only
logical basis for the questions you detest would be curiosity about
something different from one's self. How is that racist or sinister?
Determining the cause of differences in physical characteristics of
human beings is the entire thrust of genetics and genetics research.
Is that entire branch of science invalid and degrading, because it
seeks to determine why two people (or groups of people) might have
different physical characteristics? Your interpretations seem to
assume racist assumptions on the part of anyone white asking
questions regarding physical differences between people of different
races. Do you really believe that you can assume the motivations of
every person asking an honest question? Do you really believe that
every white person asking such questions must be doing so out of a
racist point of view? Or is it just as possible that you are making
the racist assumptions? By the way, I do admit that it is at least
possible that some of the questions come from people trying to be
offensive. By the same token, most of the questions seem to come out
of simple ignorance, not ulterior motives.
POSTED 8/20/1999
John K., Cranford, NJ, United States, <jkeegan3@home.com>, 26,
Male, Chemical Engineering, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 82099121837
I think we all judge the world we see from the perspective of our
own experience. I don't think that asking a question about the
physical characteristics of another race necessarily means the
questioner believes that those characteristics are abnormal or
deviant, just different from our own. For example, Shawn assumed that
the person who asked the question about palm color was white, when
that message only indicated the questioner was Canadian. Asians,
Native Americans and Hispanics also live in Canada. However, Shawn
seemed to assume that any person who would make an (in his view)
insulting comment about African Americans would have to be white. I
hope Y? Forum continues to post as many questions as possible. I
might be offended by some questions about why women or whites or
Christians seem to have some characteristic, but I would rather be
slightly offended and try to respond in a mature manner than to have
someone continue to walk around in ignorance. If we are going to
learn from each other, we all need to develop a thicker skin. No
matter what tone that skin is. I'm glad most posters here seem to be
able to do that.
POSTED 8/20/1999
Stacee, Houston, TX, United States, 30, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, TV production, Over 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 82099115835
I have to defend Y? Shawn, your point of view is lopsided. You
insinuate that Y? is Anglo-oriented, but you don't realize that the
Y? director is of Italian descent (not white American). You notice
"degrading" questions about blacks more because you are from that
race. Remember that the most degrading thing a human being can have
is ignorance, and white Americans have plenty of it. But it's OK -
that's why Y? exists in the first place. I answer stupid questions
about Latin/Hispanics all the time, but to the ignorant they are not
stupid, they are valid questions. Their ignorance is not their fault.
Through us, Y? is doing a great job of helping eradicate ignorance;
let's keep up the good work.
POSTED 8/23/1999
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 30, Male, Catholic,
Latin/White-Caucasian, Lawyer/Business, Over 4 Years of College ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 82199124259
To deny that differences (physical and cultural) exist between the
various races is to hide one's head in the sand. The large majority
of questions posed about physical differences between the races have
answers grounded in scientific fact (regardless of whether these
facts make it onto this forum or not). I see no offense in asking
such questions. Likewise, most of the cultural questions posed have
answers grounded in historical fact, and these questions, in my
opinion, are no less reasonable. Perspective, I believe, plays a role
in your animosity. What if those questions had been asked by Asian
females or by an African-American curious about his/her own physical
characteristics? Would you be any less offended? Does your theory of
"standards" still apply? Or is it merely the fact that they were
asked by Caucasians? If the latter is the case, then I don't think
the real problem is with the questions being asked but with the
reason offense was taken. This is a forum about differences, and as
long as the questions asked are asked in an intelligent manner devoid
of malicious intent, they should be allowed. The only way any of us
will ever truly "get along" is to understand and embrace these
differences and quit persecuting those who notice the differences -
which is virtually everyone with a fully functioning set of
senses.
POSTED 8/23/1999
David, Columbia, SC, United States, <dash@netside.com>, 30,
Male, White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College. Mesg ID 8219925207
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Question:
I am a 41-year-old man who has worked for a large international
corporation for 18 years. The company recently decided to change its
pension plan which, in effect, reduces my pension by about 40
percent. The plan primarily affects mid-career employees such as
myself. Those near retirement age (25 or more years of service) are
allowed to choose between the old and new plan. Our state
representatives in Washington are looking into the legality of this
and call it age discrimination. How do people in the business sector
view this? Discriminatory or not?
POSTED 8/19/99
Bill, Burlington, VT, United States, 41, Male, Over 4 Years of
College , Middle class, Mesg ID 81999102850
Responses:
I'm 40, and I've got 18 years with a big American corporation, so
I'm in a very similar situation. Let's face it, big business has no
regard for its employees. It will treat you with no respect
whatsoever and will do whatever it can to increase profits this
quarter. The rank-and-file employees are dead last on the
management's priorities. Those are the sad facts of life, so you had
better get used to it.
POSTED 8/23/1999
Jesse N., Herzliya, NA, Israel, 40, Male, Engineer, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 8221999112441
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