Best of the Week
of Oct. 18, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of Oct. 18, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
R395: Why is it that everything
from European culture (i.e. folklore, history, literature, language)
seems to be considered fair game for any American who wants to create
their own version of it, while Americans insist that cultures of
other groups be protected and kept exclusive? I'm talking about
things like the recent movies The Three Musketeers, The Hunchback
of Notre Dame and
The Man in the Iron
Mask, all made with no regard
for the original literature, true history or original
culture; Doctor
Doolittle made with
Eddie Murphy; and versions of European folk stories and legends
filmed or illustrated with multi-cultural characters, etc.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI
ANSWER 1:
Just an inquiry: Were you
aware that The Three
Musketeers and
The Man in the Iron
Mask were both written by
Alexander Dumas, a black man?
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
Black female, Los Angles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I had no idea Dumas was
black. Thanks for the info ... but he was still part of European
culture in any case (African-French?), and his work is considered
French literature. I am surprised to learn he's black, though, since
I read his book Adventures
with my Animals, in which he
included his black servants along with the cats and dogs. Anyway,
this wasn't meant to be a question about race (it's probably safe to
say these movies and books are made mainly by whites), but about
culture, and why some seem protected while others are regularly
ripped-off. For example, would anyone publish a book of Native
American legends and feel they had to illustrate it with Europeans
and Africans included? Why is that idea any more ridiculous than the
idea of giving Robin Hood a multicultural band?
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Black female: Where did
you get the idea that Alexandre Dumas was black? I'm French and have
studied French literature, and my mother is a French professor. I can
guarantee you that Alexandre Dumas was not black. Besides, it does
not answer Colette's question. I think that Americans do this because
as America is still a new country by European standards, it has not
had time to produce enough cultural material of its own, so it tries
to make some by importing raw material and adapting it to U.S.
standards to satisfy the needs of its inhabitants. Thus the
transformation of bad endings to happy endings and inserting
multicultural differences to be politically correct and not hurt any
feelings. I must point out that we Europeans smile at the attempts
made by Americans to remake original European cultural creations. We
feel Americans try to simplify everything and make everything seem
shallow and commercial, and that in America, everything has a price
tag on it - even culture.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Zobe La Mouche, 25, Paris, France
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
R499: In a recent Philadelphia
case, a white woman was sentenced to five years in jail for
"alerting" her white neighbors that a black family was moving in. She
did not participate in vandalism or violence against them, yet she
received a more severe sentence than some of those who did. Do you
agree with the judge? Why or why not?
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Linda F., 47, white female, Bristol PA
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
A31: What do you do if you're a
kid and have no money?
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Josh, 11, Gainesville, MO
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
GD41: Does anyone think this site
is yet another symptom of the breakdown in society's connection? By
that I mean the way we all sit alone in our cars, get home, shut the
door and feel like we've been real sociable if we nodded at the guy
next door washing his car?
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Stephen H., white European male <baronkgc@bigfoot.com>, Pflugerville, TX
ANSWER 1:
I don't feel it is. If people
keep in mind the original goal of the forum, it can be a useful
resource for healthy and much-needed communication. True diversity
means that freedom of expression thrives and individual opinions,
experiences and perspectives are respected. I tend to try to be as
non-judgmental as possible here because I have a genuine desire to
engage with those who can challenge me. I value continual growth and
development in my life, and the Y Forum is an additional way to gain
insight on issues that all of us, on a day-to-day basis, face. Your
question made me think!
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Dee, black female <westde@hiram.edu>, Cleveland, OH
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think this forum allows us
to understand one another a little better, with a degree of
anonymity. The editors keep the material from being offensive and
reword it in a more "factual" way. Societal breakdown is not a
phenomenon that is happening out there, but is the decision of
millions of people who decide not to communicate with others. While
some see this occurring, others see and do what they can to
communicate with others and forestall societal breakdown.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
A. Urban, 45 <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
R354: I have noticed a number of
younger African Americans wearing knee-high pantyhose on their heads.
I would like to know why this is done, and where this trend came
from.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Jason <microft@westol.com>, Washington, DC
ANSWER 1:
I'm not exactly sure where
this latest trend came from for young black men, especially when you
consider all the fashion designers who have their signature models of
these caps. However, black women have used them for ages. They come
in really handy for keeping hair neat and in place while you're
sleeping. I used them when I was a kid. We'd take a pair of new
pantyhose, cut off most of the legs, tie what was left of the legs
into a knot and stretch the seat area over our heads. We called them
"stocking caps."
Denise, 27, black, Bronx, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
This trend dates back to the
days of pirates, when men wore "scullies" to protect their hair from
the enviroment (wind, rain, saltwater). Also, it was a way of
controlling their hair without a lot of grooming. This later evolved
into the wave cap and "do rag," where black men would put
hair-processing ingredients to condition, put waves or straighten
their hair at a time in history when this was the trend. Now it's
more for putting waves or a fashion statement of the black male.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
E. White, 43, Afro American, Fairless Hills, PA
To
respond
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THE QUESTION:
D11: When I think to myself, I
"hear" myself "talking" within my mind (for illustration, also when
I'm reading). Obviously, people who were born deaf think, but do they
"hear" themselves in some way in their own minds? What is the form of
their "thinking"? What, if anything, substitutes for phonetics in
their reading? I suppose a similar question could be asked of people
who are blind from birth: How do they "see" the images of what they
touch?
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Art K., Washington, D.C.
ANSWER 1:
As someone profoundly
hearing-impaired since age two, I can tell you that the "thinking"
depends on whether the person signs, lip-reads or can hear a little.
For signing people, the thoughts are formed as signing hands. I can't
presume to speak for others, but I find that as a lip-reader and
speaker, my thoughts are a combination of vocalization and
visualization of objects and concepts. I'm guessing that to one who
"sees" silent lip-reading as a form of communication, the thought
would emerge as a face or lips moving.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
A .Goode, 20, white deaf female <jgoode@ns.pic-internet.or.jp>, Osaka, Japan
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO87: I am a white, gay,
professional 35-year-old male currently living in Philadelphia
(Center City). My partner (a physician) and I wish to move to a
modestly affluent suburb. I am feeling very vulnerable about leaving
the city. How do "straight" people feel when they realize their new
neighbors are gay? Do people really care that much? It would help to
know.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Joe D., 35, gay male, Philadelphia, PA
ANSWER 1:
Some will hate you with a
passion that defies comprehension, some will consider your
orientation irrelevant, some will not know what to think. My gay
acquaintances tell me that there are well-established networks in the
gay/lesbian communities. Check out your neighborhoods before you make
a down payment.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Al,straight, 59 <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC
FURTHER NOTICE:
Your neighbors will probably
gossip about you initially, but they probably won't try to run you
out of the neighborhood.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Straight white female, 31, Panama City, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I could care less if my
neighbors are gay or straight. It would be naive, however, to expect
everyone to think that way. One way to get a good read on things is
to go house-hunting as a couple. See how the real estate agent, home
sellers, etc., react. For what it's worth, although it's true suburbs
tend to be more conservative than cities, most suburbs are more
sophisticated and tolerant than one suspects - particularly in a
suburb of a larger city. My own suburb, for example, has an annual
gay pride parade.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Andrew, 34, straight suburb dweller <ziptron@xoommail.com>, Huntington, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
We live in a somewhat
"redneck" suburb south of Indianapolis, Ind. (Dan Quayle's home
state), are very "out" and have had very few problems in our 13 years
here. We've made a point to be polite and friendly to all our
neighbors, nodding or waving when we see one another taking out trash
or whatever. When we see someone doing yardwork we offer to lend a
tool that might help them, and when we've gotten kid books at a book
conference we offer them to the parents of the neighbor kids (not to
the kids themselves - call it paranoia if you like). When the kids
become teenagers and are standing around in groups, we make a point
to make eye contact with the ones we know and nod politely. We hug
and kiss goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening, hold hands
on our neighborhood walks,and don't hesitate to show we love each
other, and have never even been called ugly names. It's all in
behaving as though you have a right to live on the planet, no more or
less than your neighbors, we think.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Becky, 55 <bthacker@iupui.edu>, Indianapolis, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It's all going to depend on
your neighbors. Not all straights are the same, just like not all
homosexuals talk with a lisp or vote Democrat. I am a straight, very
conservative white male, but some of my best friends are gay, black
and/or liberal. The biggest thing your neighbors will care about is
how your moving into town will effect their property values. If they
think having gay neighbors will lower their values, they'll treat you
the same way they treat other minorities in the same situation. The
majority of them will probably realize your sexuality will have no
effect on them, and they'll be cool. Unfortunately, they will
probably be wary of letting their children play near your home. The
stereotype of the homosexual pedophile is disgustingly prevalent in
suburban America. But I'm sure you've had to deal with worse. Good
luck.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
B., 23, straight white male, Kokomo, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I live in a rural town in
Connecticut that has a few established homosexual households. These
people are surprisingly well-accepted. I have even heard old-timers
say things like "He is as queer as a three-dollar bill, but he pays
on time, so I'll keep working for him." Moral of the story: You may
be grist for the rumor mill, especially at first, but living in
Pennsylvania or New England, I think you'll still be OK leaving the
city. Just beware of pockets of religious fanaticism.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Lynda, 28, straight female, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Joe, Since you and your
partner are moving to an "affluent" neighborhood, you shouldn't
encounter too many woes. Being that your new neighbors would be
mostly successful and medium-well educated (which usually falls in
line with being more open-minded), you guys will probably be accepted
very well. My partner and I were the first gay couple on our block in
a middle-class neighborhood in Houston, where we have been for six
years. All of our neighbors absolutely love us, and each of them have
told us this personally (in so many words.) There was a period when
we were thinking of moving, and some of our neighbors practically
begged us not to go. This is probably because they see we are not a
"threat" to them, their children or their way of life. As long as you
don't walk down the street with a lisp, I bet everything will be
fine. Good Luck!
OCT. 22, 1998
Aaron D., gay male, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I'm a 25-year-old Japanese
woman. I would be very interested if my new neighbor were gay. I
would think that I'd love to be their friend, and my life would be
more interesting. There is no negative feeling about having a gay
neighbor.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Kanako, Tokyo, Japan
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Feeling the squeeze of growth
in our old neighborhood - made up predominantly of white, Catholic,
youthful and highly fertile couples and their families with modest
incomes - my partner and I put our suburban house up for sale. When
our next-door neighbor pressed us for details about the new
homeowners, we informed her they were a black couple. With a look of
anxious surprise, she responded: "Ah! More controversial neighbors!"
While we were quite friendly with our immediate neighbors (and
largely ignored by the rest), this was the first that we had heard
that we were controversial.
We have since moved to a more rural
setting, expecting more privacy but getting actually far less. It's
regrettable that we've experienced more vandalism at the hands of
strangers, but where we expected to find bigotry in the folks who
live nearby we have found acceptance instead. We have shown ourselves
to be good neighbors who work hard to improve the property, and this,
we are told, is appreciated by all.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Rex T. 35, "Bachelor Farmer" <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Somewhere near Cincinnati ,
OH
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
R201: Growing up in Queens, N.Y.,
it was a "requirement" that you knew how to play chess. I wonder: Do
white people believe blacks don't play chess, since the media only
shows blacks in physical activities?
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Jas, black <themoas@aol.com>, Pensacola, FL
ANSWER 1:
I would have to say I'd never
thought about it. In fact, I never really think about chess at all -
but if someone had asked me to close my eyes and picture a chess
player, my automatic mental image probably wouldn't have been a
black. Thanks for raising my consciousness a little.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, white, Houston
FURTHER NOTICE:
When I walk by the park,
almost all the people playing chess are black. So I have not held the
notion that all chess players are from the former Soviet Union for a
long time. By the way, the chess board is a great metaphor: Black and
white facing off against each other. But without the differences in
color and pieces, there would be no game.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
thsmith, 28, white, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
FYI, in the movie
Searching for Bobby
Fischer, Lawrence Fishburne,
who is black, plays the part of a champion park chess player.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Jeffrey D., KY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
One of my fond childhood
memories is my 12th year, when every day after school I had a
standing chess game with the only Chinese boy in the neighborhood. He
always won (I wasn't a great chess player) but I liked that, because
it was a challenge. We played on the front steps of his house, and I
was never invited inside; being the only "ethnic" family in the
neighborhood, I think they felt isolated and rejected by the whites.
My very first friends in this world were the two sons of the black
couple next door (a different, but also all-white and racist
neighborhood), who were my heroes - one was a born scientist and
taught me cool science stuff, and the other was an incredible
athlete. They were the ones who taught me all the childhood games
("Hands Down" was a favorite), and I remember watching them play
chess, but I was too young to learn it then. To me, they wore an air
of wisdom and strategic mystery as they played, which of course both
frustrated me with the desire to join in and inspired in me a love
for the game. Ever since, I think of playing chess as something very
mature, sophisticated and mysterious. I'm still bad at chess, as I
don't possess much of those three qualities!
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
The Well, 37, Caucasian (British mix) <the_well@pacbell.net>, San Diego, CA
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
R484: Many of my Asian clients
who are Taiwanese nationals have peculiar first names like Grover,
Winston, Kenneth, Eve, Judith, Lincoln, etc. These sound more like
Eastern U.S., Anglo-aristocratic first names that I rarely hear used
anymore. Where do they dig up these chestnuts, and why do they use
them?
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
R.R., U.S.A.
ANSWER 1:
I am American living in
Taiwan and have been here more than four years. The Western names you
hear Taiwanese nationals being called are nicknames they picked to be
able to associate with Westerners; these are not their legal or
actual names. It is popular in Taiwan to pick a Western nickname, and
also Westerners have a difficult time pronouncing Chinese names.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Dave, white male <Gilstrap@ms13.hinet.net>, Taipei, Taiwan
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
G37: While growing up in the
South I've often noticed that when two males attend a movie together,
they often leave a seat open between them. Is this a regional
practice or is it seen throughout the United States? What is the
reason? I don't remember seeing females do the same.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Merriman, white Southern female <idnod@hotmail.com>, MS
ANSWER 1:
I've grown up in the Chicago
area and now live in California, and I've seen the same in both
areas. As an adult male, I usually leave a seat between any person
unless it's very crowded or I'm sitting next to my wife. Two of the
reasons are I would be bumping shoulders, arms and legs if they were
in the next seat, and there would be competition for the armrest. Of
course, if it is an attractive woman, those would be the very same
reasons I would sit next to her.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Rob, white male, 35, San Jose, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I grew up in Nebraska and
have seen many men leave a seat between them at a movie. It has been
explained to me that this is so both will have full access to
armrests. No need to share. I've only done this once in my life and
did find that it was nice to have the armrests to myself. Whether or
not it is also an issue of intimacy is a question probably best left
to the larger group.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Patrick K., 26, white male <pkinner@upo.com>, Miami, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I live in the mid-Atlantic
area (Northern Virginia) and I do the same thing when seeing a movie
with a male friend. Why? We both want more space.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Racerx, 37 <spectre_rx@yahoo.com>, Fairfax, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
A lot of people would
kiddingly call this the "heterosexual" seat. That is, a signal that
the two men are not "together." My roommates and I used to go see a
lot of movies, and if possible we would leave a seat between us.
However, we did it mostly because we were stocky and needed the
space. Also, movie theater chairs are usually cramped, and I like my
own armrest. In retrospect, it could have been partially because of
subconscious discomfort with being so close to another male.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Taran6, 26, straight male <Taran6@juno.com>, San Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think it has to do with the
fear of someone thinking the guys are gay. My friends and I never
leave a seat between us in a movie. I was raised in the North and
currently live in the South. No seat splitting here.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Brian <dutting@hotmail.com>, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
This practice is not unique
to the South. When I was growing up in New York, guys who went to the
movies together always kept an empty seat between them if they could.
They'd put their popcorn and drinks on it, but that's not the reason
for the seat. Guys laughingly called it "the fag seat" or the "I'm
not a fag" seat. Insecure blue-collar New Yorkers that we were, we
thought it was somehow unmasculine to sit next to a male friend.
Girls sit next to their female friends without thinking twice, but
young males are often terrified of doing anything that might make
them appear gay.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Astorian, straight male, Austin, TX
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO82: I was watching the news
today about the young gay man who was murdered in Wyoming. At his
funeral a group of anti-gay Christians were gathered holding signs
and such in protest of homosexuality. I was raised Christian and for
17 years have had all the morals and beliefs of these God-loving
people surround me. But why do Christians sometimes feel as though
they have the right to go back on all the values and teachings of
their faith (i.e. judge not)? For example, they hate gays because
they think being gay is anti-God, but hate itself is anti-God.
POSTED OCT. 17, 1998
Wondering why <ds799@webtv.net>, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
I too was very upset by the
brutal killing in this case. I am a Christian and have been for
several years. I do not like homosexuality nor do I see it as a valid
lifestyle. This point is both a personal feeling and a spiritual one.
However, my belief does not make me want to kill someone. The Holy
Word does not teach hate; it teaches love. I have always felt that
the homosexual was looking for something that they could not find. In
this case, the taking of a human life was the worst thing that could
have happened. People in America, both Christians and non-Christians,
had better take a good look at this case and make a choice. The lack
of respect for human life is widespread and seems to be getting
worse.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Stacey M., 28, white male <sfmmac@juno.com>, Booneville, AR
FURTHER NOTICE:
The people picketing the
funeral were from the Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, Kansas. They
actually have a very offensive website that might be worth a visit if
you're curious about seeing how low people can get:
http://www.godhatesfags.com. My hunch is that these people probably
hate just about everyone who doesn't think exactly like they do. I'd
like to know how they feel about blacks, Hispanics, Jewish people,
Asians, Catholics, Mormons, etc. I'd be willing to bet that they
would say that all of these people are going to burn in hell also.
Sometimes the most vocal anti-homosexual people are people who are
trying to deny their own attractions to people of the same sex.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Jim L., atheist, 36, Phoenix , AZ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a lesbian, I can affirm
that some of our staunchest foes are pseudo-Christian. I was born
Catholic and don't remember ever reading that Jesus said, "Love your
neighbors, unless they are gay." My belief is that intolerance stems
from ignorance, and a lot of ignorance is the result of lack of
exposure to diversity. In other words, if you only hang with people
like yourself, you don't learn as much as someone who experiences
other cultures and ways of life. Plus, your clique grows to think
it's the best and only way to be.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Ranebow <ranebow@iname.com>, Butler, PA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
You are looking for a
rational explanation for irrational behavior. Religious fanatics
exist in all religions, not just Christianity. Just because someone
calls themselves Christian does not mean they live their lives
according to Jesus' example as recorded in the Bible. The Biblical
Christ refused to condemn a woman for adultery, even though
considering it a sin. He devoted his life to praising God, teaching
and helping others. Those arrogant enough to judge and condemn
another's transgressions were told to remove the log in their own eye
before trying to remove the splinter in their neighbor's eye.
Irrational behavior can be caused by
physical/chemical causes or by irrational fears and beliefs. The
latter are often instilled by childhood events, sometimes not even
consciously remembered. While a person's religious beliefs may
include believing that homosexual behavior is a sin, to dedicate your
life and that of your adult family to proactively protesting the
lives of gay people and their families in the most obnoxious,
intrusive ways possible is obsessive/compulsive, homophobic behavior.
Such people may also be addicted to the notoriety of media attention
that their actions generate.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
DykeOnByke, spiritual non-Christian lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Great point. If they were
protesting anything, it should of been that he was killed for no
reason. Remember "Thou shalt not kill"? I never heard anything saying
"Thou shalt not be who you are."
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Chris, 23, Bartlesville, OK
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
God and religion are
creations of man. When man created God and religion, they were
created to accomplish something for society. Rules and guidelines
were established to govern conduct. Rules were made up to suit those
who controlled the game. All was written in the Bible, Koran, etc.
subject to everyone's interpretation. Today it is the same way. Each
group makes up its own rules. "God" save the Constitution, the Courts
and the Police. At least these rules are changed by majority vote.
Most hate groups hide behind some religious shield. No real God would
accept this behavior.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Les H. <lphfla@aol.com>, Plantation, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I think some Christians hate
gay people because they are taught to from the very beginning.
Growing up in a Christian home, I experienced that teaching
personally. I think it also has to do with fear - i.e. "They don't do
things the way we do, so they must be sinners and we should hate
them." Yeah right. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Matthew 7:1.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Tiffany <celticcutie@hotmail.com>, Asheville, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I applaud your question. I am
a Church of Christ-raised, God-fearing Christian, and I think I can
give you an accurate answer: Groups like that are self-righteous
hypocrites. Those people believe their hate is justified. They are
the plague of Christianity led by a minister of hatred. I do not
condone homosexuality. It is a sin. But I certainly do not hate gay
people, nor do I look down on them, judge their souls, etc. Those
people who protested at that kid's funeral were clearly doing the
devil's work with Bibles in their hands.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
R.B., <romieb@datachan.com>, Amarillo, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I have firsthand knowledge of
the Topeka, Kansas, minister who has made a career of gay-bashing.
I'm a lifelong Kansan, and my lover of 14 years went to high school
with this minister's kids and even dated his daughter for a while.
The stories about life in this minister's house are shocking. A few
years back every major church in Topeka held a public denunciation of
this man that was carried on local television. He is a sick
individual seeking to build a political career out of selling hatred.
He's been around for years, out waving signs in traffic, and has
followers who like to beat people up.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Daniel J., Topeka, KS
To
respond
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TOP
THE QUESTION:
R480: Until just a couple of
years ago, I never realized "Jap" was a derogatory term. Frankly, I
can't ever think of a time I used it, but I had put it in the same
category as "Brit," "Aussie," "Yank" or "Canuck." I'm sure there are
other examples. Why is "Jap" different? Or are these other short
terms for a person's country also derogatory?
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Pete S., 38, white male, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
That's an extremely
interesting question. I can only guess that it stems from World War
II. The sheer hatred that erupted after Pearl Harbor caused perfectly
innocent American-born people of Asian descent to be locked up in
internment camps, and anyone who showed any kind of sympathy toward a
person of Asian descent was ostracized and viewed with suspicion
themselves. Rarely in history has a group been so vilified.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Robert J., Erie, PA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think Brit and Aussie are
more akin to shortened nicknames, but "Jap" is more akin to a
distorted pronunciation that became a racial slur, much like negro
became "nigger," Mexican became "Meskin," aborigine became "abo" or
Indian became "Injun."
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I remember that during World
War II, the government operated a propaganda program that was
intended to aid the war effort. This program, as it related to the
Japanese, was expressly racist, and uniformly referred to them as
"Japs." Furthermore, the Japanese were always portrayed in posters
with exaggerated "racial" characteristics, including buck teeth, bow
legs and eye glasses. I guess the use of the term stuck, and because
of the context, the term is understood as being racist.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Jerry, 64, white male, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R481: To me, many people of
Middle Eastern and Indian background tend to have offensive body
odor. Is there a cultural reason for this?
POSTED OCT. 9, 1998
Darrell E., 56, white, Camarillo, CA
ANSWER 1:
I am a non-Indian woman who
has studied, lived and related to people of Indian origin and never
smelled this odor you are describing. I can say I have come across
the "smells" of tumeric, cardamon, cumin and hing, all spices used in
typical Indian dishes. And, since most Indian households still cook
and eat homemade ethnic meals, perhaps you came across some Indians
who had just eaten a fabulous feast. I would urge you to give it a
taste and find out for yourself. By the way, Indians bathe daily and
use deodorant. Matter of fact, speaking about Hindu Indians, they
have religious dogma that requires them to bathe before their daily
pujas/prayers. So any idea of a body odor because of not bathing is
false. Going a step further, my fiance, an Indian, gets complimented
often on his choice of men's fragrance.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Jenny S., 29, white-female <ganga@netrox.net>
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THE QUESTION:
GE84: Is it true that some men do
not find pornography appealing because they may feel it dehumanizes
or demeans the women (or men) depicted in it?
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Keila, 23, female, San Jose, CA
ANSWER 1:
Er - yes and no. I do believe
that it can harm both the people in it
(exploitation/demeaning/trapped) and the people who use it (tend to
objectivize/idealize images; not relate to real people; not see
subjects as real people). However, I use pornography, so I am not
able to say I don't find it appealing. I am able to shut out my
objections to achieve gratification. I find it hard to make real
"grown-up," intimate relationships because of low self-esteem and
-image, and am in therapy working on feeling better about being me
and accepting that I am likable to and genuinely liked by others.
Using porn is more of a symptom and (as an ex-smoker of 40 a day)
like an addiction: You know it's not good for you, but it's a
"safe"/familiar action with a predictable outcome. I would be
surprised if there were men who didn't use it for the above reasons,
but I do know men who just don't need/use it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Steve H., 53, white, divorced <steve.hill@stevehil.globalnet.co.uk>, Leeds, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Like most men (including the
ones who won't admit it), I enjoy pornography. I regret that some
women feel it is degrading to women. I don't think it demeans women
at all. I believe it celebrates their attractiveness. (On rare
occasions, I hear women complain about being treated as "sex
objects," but I've never heard their feelings about treating men as
"money objects.") What I find demeaning are the commercials on TV
that portray either men or women as complete idiots.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Lazarus, 45, white male <lazarus99@usa.net>, Lawrenceville, GA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I also use porn. On a regular
basis. Not because of any lack of sexual activity, but as an
enhancement to sex. Whether I'm alone or with a woman, porn makes a
terrific visual stimulant. And why would someone think that porn is
degrading to women? There are black people in pornography, and yet
porn isn't considered degrading to colored folks, is it? Porn is
educational, stimulating and just downright good healthy family
entertainment. Don't just take my word for it, according to "Pop Up
Video" on VH1, Americans spent more money last year on porn than they
did on rock 'n' roll and country music combined!
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Dr. Coldfinger <metal_head_69@hotmail.com>, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It is totally true. My
boyfriend thinks porn is wrong. He feels that it can only serve to
"lower" the performer. Personally, I feel that if the actor is doing
it of his/her own will and being compensated fairly, there isn't
anything wrong with it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Jon, 22, white gay male <ruffles74@hotmail.com>, Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Yes, but I don't think
"appealing" is the right word. I have been taught all my life that
since I am a man, I must be compulsively interested in anything
related to sex at all times. Even what I find "sexy" and what I don't
has been beaten into me, often through humilitation and such. It
makes it hard to learn for myself what actually turns me on and how
to think well about it, and actually be able to tell I am in control
over my response to things sexual. Pornography that is offensive is
of course just that, but as long as this sexual compulsion is there,
it tells me, "Ignore the way you are offended and just pay attention
to this feeling you are getting from it." When that happens, it makes
me feel isolated from other people and from my own emotions, in the
same way someone taking drugs or zoning out to TV might. For those
reasons, I try to always avoid pornography.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Barry, 29, straight male <bjoseph@radicalmedia.com>, New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Yes, it is true.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
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THE QUESTION:
GD39: I am interested in finding
out if other adopted people want to know who their biological parents
are. I am torn on whether to do the research to locate my real
parents. I was adopted at two weeks old. My parents who raised me
were great parents, but I know nothing about the circumstances of my
adoption. The courts sealed the proceedings. Should I brave the
system and find out this information? Anyone who has put a child up
for adoption can answer, too. Let me know what you think about these
reunions.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
Steve S., 32, married white male, CA
ANSWER 1:
My son was adopted at birth
about 34 years ago. I was badly parented and felt no bonds or ties
with him; didn't know how families were supposed to work. He found
his mother about three years ago and she contacted me. (We had kept
in touch though we both had married twice since). It took me 18
months to be ready to meet him, though we wrote one letter each way.
I was so impressed when I met him. His adopting parents had done a
brilliant job in raising a great boy/man. I could not have done it as
well. I am working on re-parenting myself, and friends who have a
12-year-old boy who loves me unconditionally (scary but great; my
parents "didn't do" unconditional love) let me borrow him to practice
on. I realize this is more about me than about adoption - sorry. If
you need to ask the question - ask it and good luck! Be ready for
anything from "Sorry; busy; doesn't fit my current lifestyle/family"
to "Hi, son! Great to hear from you!"
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Steve Hill, 53, white male, twice divorced <steve.hill@stevehil.globalnet.co.uk>, Leeds, Yorkshire, United Kingdom
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think the the urge to know
something about your biological parents is a very natural one, and
certainly shows no disrespect for the people who actually reared you.
However, if you are successful in locating one or both of your
biological parents, you should understand in advance that their
reaction may not be entirely positive. I was adopted shortly after my
birth, and was about your present age when I decided to try locating
my biological parents back in 1979. Court records were not available
so I used a private investigative firm. I was never able to locate my
mother, but I did find and contact my father. He had been only 17
when he fathered me, and knew of my existence but had never tried to
contact me. He was, by 1979, a very successful entrepeneur living and
working in a nearby city. When I contacted him, his reaction was,
"You know, people can get into lots of trouble in life without going
looking for it." End of conversation. So, all that I'm saying is that
if you decide to make the search and are successful in your endeavor,
you should understand that the results may not necessarily be to your
liking. Good luck!
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Robert, 52, Phoenix, AZ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a mother who gave up a
child 20 years ago. Through an almost miraculous set of
circumstances, we were able to be in contact again when he was 14,
and have now met each other and maintain contact. I would say do it,
for your own sake, and for the sake of the woman who longs to know
what became of you - but do it, if at all possible, with the support
and consent of your real parents, who raised you and sacrificed for
you. Make sure that searching for your biological relatives does not
diminish your relationship with them. I do not know how I would
survive if I had to continually wonder what had become of that
child.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
A mother
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Steve, I am adopted myself
and understand how you feel. I was adopted along with my biological
brother and sister. We never knew our parents, and growing up, we
were filled with questions. When I turned 18 I contacted my
biological parents and finally got the closure I was looking for. My
recommendation to you would be to go for it. You'll forever wonder if
you don't. Although I no longer correspond with my biological parents
(since we never knew each other, there was nothing in common) at
least I no longer have to wonder.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Ken, 27 <artnik@snowhill.com>, AL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I was adopted at three weeks
old. My parents too asked me the question, do you want to find out
who your birth parents are, and I said "no." I have had a good life.
My father, a mill worker, and my mother, a housewife, gave my
everything I could ever have wanted. They are all I know. My extended
family, aunts, uncles and cousins also never treated my any
differently from the others in my family. I am truly blessed. I guess
the only question I would like to know is about my medical backround.
However, it doesn't bother me not knowing. What I guess I want to say
is, if you have questions that are eating you up, find out. If not,
enjoy the family you have.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Brian D., 30 <dutting@hotmail.com>, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I would think that in this
day and age where the medical profession has made such great strides
in the research and cure of heriditary dieases, the background
knowledge of one's birth parents' medical history would be almost
paramount.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
John J., Port St. Joe, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am a 36-year-old white
female adopted at nine weeks of age. My adoptive parents were
supportive, loving and everything a child could ask for. I am college
educated now and financially comfortable. I found my natural family
five years ago, including three siblings. There are many drug and
alcohol problems in the family, and no one has near my education.
This has caused friction when my biological mother compares me with
my siblings. Do I regret my choice? No. They are also loving, kind
people who have opened my eyes to a greater diversity. However, it
took some time to get over our differences, and some of it was
uncomfortable. During my getting to know them I lost my "real"
(adoptive) mother, for whom I am still grieving. I think I know now
who my real family always was. If you want to do this, go for it, but
go in with eyes wide open and be prepared for anything.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Katherine, 36 <Curioddity@aol.com>, Jacksonville Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
My husband was adopted as an
infant, and I asked him once whether he ever wanted to find his birth
parents. He said no, because as far as he was concerned his parents
are the ones who raised him.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Hanofer <pwoodhouse@helsell.com>, Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I, too, gave up my son when
he was born almost three years ago. It was the hardest thing I have
ever done, or ever will do. I cannot speak for all birth mothers, but
I pray for the day that my son is old enough to find me, and I pray
that he will want to. We have an open adoption, so he will be raised
with some information on me, and if he does want to find me, it will
not be difficult. I hope his adoptive parents support him in this.
Rest assured that your birth mother did what she did out of love.
Good luck.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
The other mother, 23, TX
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