Best of the Week
of Oct. 22, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Oct. 22, 2000, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s new database using the search form,
or, in the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in
the Original Archives (all
questions from the Original Archives have been entered into
the new database as well). In the Original Archives and the new
database, you will find questions that have received answers, as well
as questions still awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer
any questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to
ask any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
I've noticed that older people tend to believe anything that is
presented to them, from politics to the door-to-door salesman. We are
always seeing on the news where the older generation is targeted for
a lottery, sales or fix-it-up scam or believing politicians without
researching them. I was always told how wise this generation is, but
from what I've seen I am beginning to doubt this. With the exception
that older generations are more trusting (that's a copout), why are
they so ready to believe everything they hear?
POSTED 10/24/00
Rob, Warren, MI, United States, 30, Male, Catholic, Straight,
Architect/business, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
102400110654
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Question:
It seems that many black people favor using corporal punishment to
discipline children. What is the reason that blacks seem to support
this method more than whites? Or, is this actually a socioeconomic
difference, as many poorer white people also seem to use physical
punishment more often than middle- or upper-class whites? Are there
the same socioeconomic differences in black child-rearing?
POSTED 10/26/00
Kirby N., Philadelphia, PA, United States, <n148@aol.com>, 50,
Female, White/Caucasian, teacher, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
class, Mesg ID 10250082321
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Question:
Why do U.S. women shave and European women do not? Where and when did
this obsession with being hairless start?
POSTED 10/25/00
Sandy Y., St. Louis, MO, United States, <haphaz99@yahoo.com>,
26, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian, Straight, housewife, 2 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 102400115848
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Question:
I think a gay/lesbian couple should be able to adopt a child. What do
others think? Why or why not?
POSTED 6/28/00
M.E., PTV, CA, United States, 37, Female, Hispanic/Latino, 2 Years of
College, Mesg ID 627200011618
Responses:
Homosexuals should not be allowed to adopt children. Children are
vulnerable and susceptible to influences from all areas of their
lives. Because homosexuals have decided to allow their sex life to
take predominance in their lives, that automatically makes them unfit
as parents. Children who are to grow mentally sound and fit will
never be able to do so in a homosexual household because they, too,
will become as preoccupied with sex as these parents are. I do feel
that homosexuals who have children should be allowed to see them, as
long as there is another parent who is heterosexual and can guide and
lead them into a young life where sex is not the most important
factor of who they are to become.
POSTED 10/25/00
Lynne G., Jacksonville, FL, United States, 44, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Writer, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
102500124438
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Question:
I'm white and have a 14-month-old adopted black grandchild (the
adoptive parents are white). How can the child best be helped to stay
in contact with its own heritage?
POSTED 10/8/00
John C., Strafford, MO, United States, <jelad@hotmail.com>, 56,
Male, Unity School of Christianity, White/Caucasian, Straight,
factory worker, High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID
107200010853
Responses:
Focus on your own culture and values, and not on your
granddaughter's race. You have no special duty to black culture
merely because your granddaughter is black; and your granddaughter
will not suffer any more than any other child should you
unflinchingly impart your world view to her via your children. By her
parents' and your persistently high expectations and example, she
will eventually come to share and espouse your beliefs. And this will
give her certain knowledge that she is an extension of your moral and
spiritual force. She will come to see that the same noble mind and
heart that lives in you also lives in her, without respect to race.
You will see it gradually develop, and it will bind you to her in
ways that you cannot now comprehend. The goal of parents and
grandparents should always be spiritual and cultural oneness with
their offspring - biological or otherwise. Work toward this and your
granddaughter will experience few conflicts. Do not separate yourself
from her by intentionally giving her cultural values foreign to your
own, and do not in any way tiptoe around issues of race. Handle the
minor issues of race, how to care for her hair, for example, as if
they are mere tasks of the overall job of making her presentable, the
best representative of your values she can be. Should you
purposefully cause cultural wedges between you, she will certainly
grow insecure, seeing her race as an innate barrier so significant
that it compels you to send her toward cultural experiences in which
you yourself would not partake. The same would occur were she very
short or tall and you incessantly focused on her height as opposed to
unabashedly loving her because she is your granddaughter. I think we
must not confuse race and heritage. I am black with white parents. I
have never felt a need to identify with blacks in particular, and my
parents have never felt a need to do anything in this area. They
taught me their own culture, which is now mine. It is from that
vantage point that I approach the world, and I have no conflict
whatever about my identity. I am a black, English-speaking American
male, the essential product of European culture. I move through
various ethnic groups as well as most because I try to approach
relationships more from the perspective of mutual ideals and honor,
rather than race.
POSTED 10/25/00
M. Freeling, New York, NY, United States, 30, Male, Black/African
American, Straight, Attorney, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,
Mesg ID 102100120546
This is not an either/or situation. The best answer is to raise
the child to know both cultures. As parents of a biracial daughter,
these are issues my husband (who is of Eastern European Jewish and
German descent) and I (an African American) have grappled with. There
is no reason to exclude either culture. If you raise the child as
German or white, he will only grow up confused. Likewise, if he's
only raised to know black culture, he will be equally confused. I
have no problem with transracial adoption, but I do feel that those
who choose to adopt across cultural lines have a responsibility to
teach the child about his birth heritage and history. This could be
as simple as reading a few books and magazines on the culture and
making them available to the child; taking him out to cultural events
and shops; and/or joining a multiracial/transracial adoption support
group in your area. It is important that the child be taught about
his history, whatever that may be, so that he doesn't feel it's
inferior or get wrong-headed ideas or simply isn't aware of it. I'm
interested in knowing why this is such an issue when discussing
black/white adoption. When I've read/heard of whites adopting Asian
children or others, I've never heard this concern. They seem to take
it for granted that the child learn his heritage, going so far as to
give the child an Asian name. Is it just an ignorance (simply meaning
'not knowing about or aware of' and not to be taken negatively) of
African history or African-American culture that concerns whites when
it comes to black/white transracial adoption?
POSTED 10/25/00
Jennifer, Dallas, TX, United States,
<jenn_williams@prodigy.net>, 25, Female, Yoruba/Ifa,
Black/African American, Straight, Writer, Teacher, Tutor, 2 Years of
College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 10210031704
You are doing the right thing in addressing your grandchild's
cultural needs. I am a black woman, but because my skin is light
brown and my hair wavy, I have actually been asked what race I am.
When this has happened, it was as if the earth spun for a second,
clocks melted and an alternate universe was born. How could people
NOT know that I was black, was my answer. For that instant, I felt
that I had been stripped of my association with every black person in
the world, because one person could not see to whom I belonged. Many
interracial people live with this every day of their lives, and it's
enough to traumatize a child who doesn't belong or doesn't know where
they belong. Definitely teach your grandchild how to be proud of both
of his cultures. Most importantly, you must also remember that your
child will experience racism at some point in life, as long as he
lives in America, and it is your responsibility to prepare him to
handle bigots. Failure to do that will ensure him a lot of heartache,
confusion and feelings of isolation later in life, which could stunt
his emotional growth, or worse.
POSTED 10/25/00
Lynne G., Jacksonville, FL, United States,
<POSITIVEVIBES@iwon.com>, 44, Female, Christian, Black/African
American, Writer, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
102500123359
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Question:
I've heard that Mormons aren't supposed to have caffeine, but that
they've signed a deal with Coca-Cola, and that now it is OK for them
Mormons to drink Coke products. Is this true?
POSTED 10/17/2000
Tanner H., Laramie, WY, United States, 18, Male, Lutheran,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Mesg ID
10170012803
Responses:
I'm a Mormon and have been raised not to drink Coke or other
caffeinated soft drinks. However, Coke and the like are not actually
forbidden by the Church. We're advised not to drink them because they
can be addictive, but it's not actually forbidden. (I had my first
Coke when I was a missionary for the Church!) We are not allowed to
drink coffee, tea or alcohol, though. Moreover, contrary to rumor,
the Church does not own Coca-Cola. This website has more information
on the matter: http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/mormon.htm
POSTED 10/18/00
Daniel H., Columbus, OH, United States, 33, Male, Mormon,
White/Caucasian, Straight, librarian, Over 4 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 10182000123150
I have a lot of friends and family who are Mormon, so I hope this
doesn't offend anyone, but this is one more instance of seemingly
hypocritical actions my the LDS church. According to the 'Word of
Wisdom,' the Mormon advice on how to live various aspects of one's
life, a Mormon should not drink 'hot drinks.' This has been
interpreted as coffee, tea and anything with caffeine. The Mormons
own a major chunk of the Coca-Cola company, but there has been no
easing of the 'Word of Wisdom.' This may seem contradictory or
hypocritical when viewed against LDS teachings, and I have as much
trouble reconciling this as much as I do their paying for light rail
to run on Sundays during their semi-annual conference, when Mormon
doctrine requires people not to work on the Sabbath or to cause
others to have to work on the Sabbath.
POSTED 10/24/00
G.P., Salt Lake City, UT, United States, 36, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class,
Mesg ID 1019200023143
I hear that the Mormons in Alaska drink caffeine now because of
this deal. I don't know if it's true if the Mormons signed a deal
with Coca-Cola or not. However, even if they did sign a deal with
Coke, they wouldn't change their religion all of a sudden and start
drinking caffeine, would they? The reason Mormons don't drink
caffeine is that it's a 'drug'; it's addictive. I'm not saying that
they don't drink caffeine. 'Good' Mormons don't drink caffeine. Or at
least they aren't supposed to. I know so many Mormons, though, who do
drink caffeine already. They are just using this deal as an excuse.
True, all religions change their ways over time. They conform. The
Mormons have changed a few things throughout time; I just don't
understand why caffeine would be so important. This is all just my
opinion. I don't know either way. But I saw your question and I
thought I would comment. The only thing I think they did wrong is
that they signed the deal with Coke ... they should have signed with
Pepsi!
POSTED 10/24/00
Natalie, Worland, WY, United States, Female, Mesg ID 10220035614
It is not true. We are instructed to abstain from coffee, tea,
illegal drugs, tobacco and alcohol. There is no mention of caffeine.
Many people choose to abstain from it, but it is left up to the
discretion of the individual. Our dietary laws come from God, and not
from deals with industry.
POSTED 10/24/00
Trudy, San Jose, CA, United States, 18, Female, Mormon,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Mesg ID
102300101400
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Question:
My friend makes a lot of comments suggesting he has an interest in
homosexuality. He told me about a study about men's finger-length and
orientation, he's made joking remarks about becoming bisexual, he
pays special attention to gay questions in Savage Love, he 'jokingly'
appreciates pictures of the male body. He also likes to embrace and
lie on my bed with me in his arms, to caress my back, put his hand on
my buttocks, and he lets me touch him, too. But then he also
demonstratively appreciates beautiful women in public, and has been
with his first girlfriend for eight years, and had a couple of sexual
dalliances with other women. My question is, do straight men normally
engage in limited sexual contact with other men? Or is it more likely
that he's a fence-sitter, as I am?
POSTED 10/16/2000
Dont know what to think, Seattle, WA, United States,
<eyenvu@hotmail.com>, 35, Male, White/Caucasian, Straight, 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 10140034824
Responses:
I know you must feel a little weird that your friend is sending
you mixed messages. As a straight white woman, I do not know any
straight males who would let you do what you said your friend lets
you do. I did date a guy who was very feminine (I thought). I was so
in love with him, but he would never kiss me or even try to do what
most straight males would do if a woman were sleeping next to him. I
respected him but jokingly asked if he might be gay. He giggled and
said 'no' at the time, but I later found out that he came out of the
closet. Maybe you should talk to your friend about it, and let him
know your feelings; you might be surprised.
POSTED 10/18/00
Teriza, Douglasville, GA, United States, 21, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, clerk, 2 Years of College , Lower middle
class, Mesg ID 1018200013439
Your friend obviously feels some comfort in discussing the male
body and sexual orrientation with you in extensive detail. With my
experience, I'd have to say he is either very comfortable with the
established relationship with you and is bisexual (and very possibly
coming onto you) or he is gay and not yet out of the closet. Straight
men often have fantasies about sexual conduct with other men, and
will act them out given the right circumstances. Be careful engaging
in any sexual relations with him, though, until you get your facts
straight (no pun intended) and understand one another.
POSTED 10/24/00
Rajadove, Pomona, CA, United States, <rajadove@altavista.com>,
18, Male, Catholic, White/Caucasian, Gay, Student, High School
Diploma , Middle class, Mesg ID 1018200021756
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Question:
We get a lot of Japanese-from-Japan tourists here in Hawaii, and
something puzzles me. Japanese people appear to love a lot of
American culture. I have friends who are very Caucasian-looking who
have made lots of money modeling in Japanese fashion magazines. Why
hasn't orthodontia become popular in Japan? You see a beautifully
dressed, immaculately made-up young Japanese woman. She opens her
mouth and has the worst snaggle teeth you've ever seen. Their teeth
are clean, just really crooked. Asian people in general seem to have
teeth that are more crooked than other people's teeth. Are their
mouths just too small for the number of teeth they have? Or is it
that Americans are obsessed with teeth?
POSTED 10/16/2000
Maile, Makawao, HI, United States, 19, Female, Methodist, Pacific
Islander, Straight, Student, 4 Years of College , Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 10150085828
Responses:
As I recall, crooked teeth used to be very common among showbiz
stars in Japan; I guess they find that attractive somehow. But
judging from the recent popular idols, they seem to have grown out of
that obsession. I'm not Japanese, so maybe this isn't the best answer
you can get.
POSTED 10/24/00
Anna, Hong Kong, NA, China, Female, Mesg ID 102100120240
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Question:
I am a late-20s Asian male professional in Chicago. I notice that
when Asian men express their sexuality to Caucasian women (i.e.
flirt, jog shirtless, make eye contact or otherwise express
interest), it makes Caucasian women uncomfortable, which is exhibited
in their body language and facial expressions. I realize that some
Caucasian women are not this way, but my question is directed to
those who have this 'problem.' Why are so many Caucasian women
uncomfortable with an Asian male who has a sexual identity?
POSTED 10/16/2000
David, Chicago, IL, United States, <linstirr@earthlink.net>,
27, Male, Agnostic, Asian, Straight, Attorney, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 10150041248
Responses:
I don't perfectly fit your description of the Caucasian woman
uncomfortable with your sexuality, but I have a related comment. I am
half Asian and half Caucasian and grew up mostly identifying with
Caucasian, maybe because the Asian culture was not really taught or
emphasized in my upbringing. I hardly recognized any differences in
myself from other whites. Later in life (after identifying better
with my Asian side), I noticed how attracting Asian men was not even
an option. I feel Asian men only pay attention to the 100 percent
Asian woman who fits the ideal of Asian beauty. Now married to a
black man, I still can't fathom an Asian man giving women a chance
who do not fit the description above. Perhaps this is why you get
reactions that white women are uncomfortable. Perhaps they are
baffled at your interest.
POSTED 10/17/00
Jordan, Wheeling, IL, United States, <ajerr@allstate.com>, 25,
Female, Christian, Asian and Caucasian, Straight, Editor, Over 4
Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 101700113309
I admit that I couldn't see myself in a serious relationship with
an Asian male or female. That is not meant to be offensive; it's just
that I like to have as much as possible in common. I can't understand
why masculine males and feminine females want to be together, either.
I haven't found that opposites attract.
POSTED 10/19/00
Priscilla, Sydney, NA, Australia, 23, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
1019200021625
I can't speak for all females, but I do not find Asian men
sexually attractive and can understand the 'recoil' factor. Why don't
I find them attractive? I don't know if I can answer that thoroughly,
but I will try: Many women, including myself, are not generally
attracted to men who are shorter than themselves, or less imposing
physically, and many Asian men are short and slender. Is it because I
was raised with the image of masculine white men in all the romantic
leads? I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I am 32, and there
were no romantic Asian male leads in any movie or TV show I can
recall growing up. The only Asians on TV that I can recall growing up
were in Barney Miller and M*A*S*H. Unfortunately, as I was raised in
the white enclave of Marin County, the only time I encountered Asian
men growing up was in San Francisco's Chinatown, and I have to say
that Chinese men of a certain age have an herbal odor that is really
unpleasant. This does not boost sex appeal. It is only as an adult
that I have noticed Asian actors in the media playing romantic leads.
Brandon Lee was handsome, and Chow Yun Fat is very attractive, and
still, I don't have the same reaction that I do to Brad Pitt or
George Clooney. Then, of course, there are those reports that Asian
men are not well-endowed. For about four years, I worked as a
stripper. We had many Japanese businessmen as customers. When you
lapdance, or do private shows behind glass while the customer 'takes
matters into his own hands' so to speak, you cannot help but either
feel or see his 'dimensions.' And without exception, they were, in
fact, not well-endowed. Sometimes so not-endowed that we felt sorry
for them. In Japan, they have different sizes of condoms, and the
smallest would literally fit snugly over your index finger. They make
them this size because some guys need them. The 'myth' of the black
man is that they are animalistically sexual, massively endowed sexual
beings. The 'myth' of the Asian man is that they all majored in
business and have pocket protectors. So these are some reasons,
perhaps, why some women are uncomfortable with Asian men expressing
their sexuality. The fact is that some or many Caucasian women don't
have a positive impression of Asian men's sexuality.
POSTED 10/24/00
Kathy, San Rafael, CA, United States, 32, Female, Pagan,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
1019200070315
Despite living in this 'progressive' era and country, attitudes
toward some types of interracial alliances are very primitive -
thanks in most ways to the mainstream media that promotes and
glamorizes only selective forms of interracial dating while subtly
mocking and 'taboo-izing' others. The media and Hollywood
romanticizes the white male/Asian or black female (more recently)
couple and 'taboo-izes' the white female/colored male alliance. Even
if a white female/colored male couple were shown, there are strong
hints of disapproval toward it. Moreover, the Asian man is portrayed
as an undesirable mate/friend by the media; someone who is not
romantic, sensitive, masculine, sophisticated, etc. It is this type
of idea that most women buy into, and therefore they are
uncomfortable being seen socializing with an Asian man. They fear
being looked down upon by the rest of the crowd. Be alone in
conversation with such white women and they are just fine, but be in
a social/public setting and they'd rather not be seen with you. This
in part explains the discomfort. I have had very similar
experiences.
POSTED 10/24/00
Portchatter, Birmingham, AL, United States, 30, Male, Asian, student,
Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 102200102149
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Question:
I've recently befriended a lesbian colleague. We have become very
close, and I found myself thinking about her romantically. The thing
is, I have always thought of myself as straight. I told her of my
feelings, but she admitted she wasn't attracted to me whatsoever. The
thing I find so confusing is that I know she likes me a lot, and even
told me once that she thinks I look good. So the problem is not my
looks, evidently, and not my personality, either, since we get along
so well. So, I felt extremely hurt that she could not feel the same
about me. Because I'm so confused about my sexual orientation right
now, I can only guess how it is for gays. How can they differentiate
between a friend and a potentail lover? Can a relationship that
starts out as a friendship evolve to more than that? I know this
colleague has several lesbian friends with whom she hasn't been
sexually involved. I've often wondered how she manages to draw the
line. I mean, she loves her friends, but each might be a potential
lover. So how can it be that sex hasn't got in the way? I'd
appreciate it if lesbians would share some of their similar
experiences.
POSTED 10/16/2000
Irene, New York, NY, United States, 28, Female, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Still not sure of sexual orientation, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 10160090404
Responses:
I went through a similar situation when I came out. I discovered
I was a lesbian when I was 19 and met a lesbian in college. I had
previously dated guys. I fell into a sort of puppy-love with her; I
then went through years of self-doubt, analysis and experimentation,
dating both men and women. I think this may be why your friend isn't
interested in you as a lover. Many lesbians I know have 'rules' about
whom they will and will not date, such as: 1. Never date bisexual
women. 2. Never date a woman who has never had sex with another woman
before. 3. Never date a woman who has never had sex with a man
before. (!) The rules help us avoid going through what you're going
through right now, over and over again. As far as how we can tell who
our friends are, well - have you ever been friends with a man who was
totally off-limits to you as a potential lover? (a brother-in-law,
former fiance of your best friend, gay male, a member of your group
of close friends?) Some lesbians 'draw the line' that way - don't
date the ex-es of friends, don't date people involved in a
relationship, don't date people in your gardening club, whatever. For
me, other lesbians are potential friends, but not potential lovers.
Then one day, something happens, and one may become a lover. Who can
explain mutual attraction? Nobody knows what makes it occur. It might
be a little like the way we decided someone was our 'best friend' in
grade school, as opposed to just a friend. Good luck - I know this
can be a difficult time. We all go through it, though, as far as I
know.
POSTED 10/18/00
Nancy, Atlanta, GA, United States, 35, Female, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
10182000102707
I can only speak as a straight female, but I can understand your
colleague's position. I have many male friends in whom I have no
sexual interest, even though they are attractive and we get along
very well. I also love my male friends but don't consider each of
them a potential lover. I would have to conclude that a lesbian would
differentiate between a friend and a potential lover the same as a
straight women would make the same distinction about someone of the
opposite sex. Why not just enjoy your friendship with this woman
without worrying about sex, the same as I enjoy my friendships with
my male friends without worrying about sex?
POSTED 10/24/00
Jo, Curubusco, IN, United States, 51, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Programmer/analyst, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
1018200082843
I'm gay, not a lesbian, but I'm going to make a comment anyway.
You are 28 and have been to college for four years, and always
thought of yourself as straight. In all that time, have you never had
a male friend? Can you differentiate between who you would want as a
boyfriend and guys you like a lot but have no romantic feelings for,
and befriend? So, why do you act so surprised when someone says,
'You're a nice guy, but...' Lesbians aren't as different as you want
to believe.
POSTED 10/24/00
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, 37, White/Caucasian, Gay,
Information Systems, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 1019200055512
First, just because a woman is attractive doesn't mean that
someone else is attracted to her in the sexual sense. And just
because someone is attracted to members of the same sex doesn't mean
he/she wants to bed everyone within that sex who is attractive.
Surely you have male friends who are handsome and nice but whom you
don't want to sleep with. The same holds true for lesbians and gays.
Sexual attraction is a personal thing - either you feel it or you
don't. While objective good looks are a good start, at the end of the
day, the most beautiful woman or man may not 'do it' for me. As for
why your friend may not be interested in you, most lesbian women have
no interest in being experimented with women by who aren't clear
about their preference. The gay lifestyle is hard enough - why get
emotionally and sexually involved with someone who might just be
curious?
POSTED 10/24/00
A.W., Seattle, WA, United States, 32, Female, Black/African American,
Mostly straight, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
102200102642
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