Best of the Week
of Oct. 28, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Oct. 28, 2001, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s database using the search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
I have read that most Muslims in the world deplore the actions
of the radical fundamentalists and that they are actually peaceful
people. In mainstream Muslim societies and families, are females
considered the equal of males in all respects? Does the religion
consider women and girls as somehow inferior or less important than
boys and men? Is it expected that females would be afforded as much
education and opportunities as males?
POSTED 11/2/2001
Fred H., Avon, MA, United States, 72, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, retired, High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1112001100311
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Question:
A friend who is married (a woman) is having an affair with a
co-worker who is married. She told me it was an instant attraction
for both of them, and neither one of them wants to stop seeing the
other. They can't get enough of each other, but it's not just
physical. To those of you who have had affairs outside of your
marriage, why did you start the affair? What kept it going? Why do
you think men and women have extramarital affairs? Do men have
affairs just to get physical attention, or do some men fall in love
with these women? Do most women who have affairs have serious
feelings for these men, or are they just out for a piece of a**? I
know it's morally wrong; I'm just trying to get inside the head of
someone who has been there.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Missy, Somewhere, PA, United States, 34, Female,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
111200191127
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Question:
When did women started to grow and polish their nails?
POSTED 11/2/2001
A. Lenumérosix, Montréal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 44,
Male, Lutheran, White/Caucasian, Straight, teacher, Over 4 Years of
College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 1031200164741
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Question:
I just started seeing a Japanese girl; we both like one another
and get along great. We've started fooling around recently, with
clothes on (rubbing, massaging, etc). But while she lets me rub her
sexually, she does not want me to kiss her, and I had heard from some
other friends (with no substantial proof) that to Japanese girls,
kissing is taboo and something you save for your definite loved one
or husband. Is this true ?
POSTED 10/29/2001
D.R., Vancouver, British Columbia, NA, Canada, 27, Male,
White/Caucasian, Mesg ID 1027200151401
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Question:
Why do some people say women are better drivers than men?
POSTED 10/29/2001
Ashley, Horicon, WI, United States, 16, Female, Mesg ID
1029200175217
Responses:
Actually, I have heard more talk about how bad women drivers are
than how good they are. I think a better question would be, Why do we
feel the need to make generalizations about an entire group of people
based on the actions of a few?
POSTED 11/2/2001
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 26, Female, Middle class, Mesg
ID 1029200140714
I think it's because males have higher accident rates overall,
according to the insurance companies. Young, impulsive males are more
likely than females to drive aggressively and take risks than are
female drivers, so those guys drive up the insurance rates for the
rest of us men. As far as the actual ability to control a motor
vehicle, there is probably no gender difference.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1030200164817
I am afraid I have never heard that expression or anyone say it in
my entire life. From what I have seen, women are horrible drivers.
They either drive so slow and cautious it takes twice as long to get
anywhere, or they drive completely out of control. When I drive, it
is usually above the speed limit, and I know exactly where every car
is in front of me and behind me. The average woman does not. Don't
bring up insurance because those figures they rely on were taken in
the '50s, when almost no woman drove, so it was always men who got
into accidents, whereas when I see an accident now it is usually a
woman getting her insurance papers in order.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Adam P., Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, 20, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
class, Mesg ID 1031200192458
I have heard that statistically women are involved in fewer
serious accidents than men. Women, at least in the United States, are
raised to be more conciliatory and less aggressive, so they may be
more courteous drivers, and that can lead to fewer accidents. It
could also be that women may be more likely to have children in the
car and thus may feel more of an incentive to drive carefully. All
just guesses.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Ramonna, Cleveland, OH, United States, Female, Mesg ID
111200185017
I don't know that I have ever heard that women are better drivers
than men. I have heard it phrased the other way around, however. I
would have to say that in my experience women are horrible drivers. I
have been driving for the last six years, and all my experiences with
bad drivers have been with women. Although not proven, most
stereotypes reflect the truth in some manner. So there must be some
truth to the statement that women can't drive.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Jon, Windsor, Ontario, NA, Canada, Male, Mesg ID 10312001100636
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Question:
I was wondering if nurses, doctors or morticians have ever had
strange experiences when working with people who are dying/dead, such
as ghosts, something strange the person said, any suggestion of life
after death, etc.
POSTED 10/25/2001
Craig, Minneapolis, MN, United States, 38, Male, Gay, Mesg ID
10232001112451
Responses:
I have an uncle who was a pilot, and he used to fly passengers
and cargo to and from Honduras. Once he had to fly the body of an
extremely overweight woman back to Honduras. She was so large they
had to take the top off the casket and place it on its side next to
my uncle, the pilot. According to him, as the airplane gained
altitude, it forced air from the woman's lungs and she groaned. He
always carried a sidearm and he pulled it and told the woman that if
she moved he was going to kill her again!
POSTED 10/26/2001
Redeemed One, Newport News, VA, United States, Female,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
10262001111556
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Question:
I recently fell in love with a Japanese girl on an exchange
program from her university in Japan. She has since gone back, but we
e-mail and talk a lot on the phone, and I plan to visit her next
summer. We have talked about whether our relationship will work after
we graduate. The problem is that she seems too willing to sacrifice
her life's goals and ambitions for the wishes of her parents. For
example, she is studying to be a teacher but doesn't think she will
find a teaching job in Japan. Because she loves other cultures and
travel, she would like to work in a country other than Japan, at
least for awhile. But her parents have said they don't want her to
leave Japan, and if she can't find a job as a teacher there, she will
work for her father's bank as a teller or something. Also, she wants
to be with me, but her mother has told her she doesn't want her to
date non-Japanese because of language-cultural-religious differences.
While she is certainly not happy with her parents' views, she doesn't
seem willing to stand up for what she wants. Is this a common
attitude among young Japanese women? That what they want is not
necessarily important in relation to the wishes of their parents? Do
I encourage her to stand up for herself, or just leave it and hope
they come around eventually?
POSTED 10/23/2001
J., Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 21, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Engineering Student, 2 Years of College, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 1022200125528
Responses:
What, exactly, do you think you can do? Sounds to me like you
don't know this girl, her background or her family enough to really
say that you 'love' her. Not to mention your condescending attitude
to what is generally regarded as traditional Asian cultural values.
Your white male superiority, in hoping that they will 'come around
eventually,' is sickening. The assumption that 'she doesn't seem
willing to stand up for what she wants' implies a subservience and
weakness on her part, i.e. that standing up to her parents is the
correct thing to do. Does your attraction to this girl stem from some
hope of 'saving' her from her own culture and family?
POSTED 10/26/2001
D., New York, NY, United States, 25, Male, Agnostic, Asian,
Straight, 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
10252001102426
North American culture is based on the individual, whereas
traditional Asian culture is based on one's relationship to the
group. To violate group norms is to become a shunned outsider. In the
United States, a naughty child is disciplined by being sent to a room
to be alone, whereas in Japan a naughty child might be disciplined by
being placed outside the home, excluded from the family unit. To ask
her to go against her parents' wishes is almost equivalent to asking
her to be disowned and bring society's disapproval upon her. Her
lifelong social implications of making the choices you would like are
enormous, much larger than an American making a similar set of of
decisions. Japanese culture has a separate word for those who have
lived abroad, and they are viewed as being tainted and not totally
Japanese any more. Interracial and cross-cultural marriage is treated
even more harshly. As a product of an interracial marriage, I have
experienced discrimination from both Asians and Americans, and I fit
in nowhere. Yes, her not wanting to stand up to her parents is
common. Her parents have a set of expectations from a son-in-law, and
it's likely that you, coming from another culture, are not prepared
to fulfill them. Rather than encouraging her to action, or passively
waiting, I strongly recommend that you learn a lot more about
Japanese culture, values and expectations. This way you will
understand the full implications of what you want her to do, and you
will understand where she is coming from much better. Right now, it
sounds like you don't know her that well, in that you are approaching
the situation in a very American way. Once you understand the
magnitude of what you want, through Japanese eyes, then you will be
better prepared to decide whether to encourage her (and support her
through all the subsequent problems she will have).
POSTED 10/26/2001
Ruth, Denver, CO, United States, 38, Female, Christian, Asian,
Straight, Arthritis, etc., Software tester, Over 4 Years of College,
Middle class, Mesg ID 10262001113652
In most Asian countries, children are brought up to respect their
parents. Most parents born during the early to mid 20th century lived
a hard life due to the war. They didn't really have the chance to
pursue their dreams. So sometimes they tend to want to 'live their
dreams in their children,' which might not be what their children
want, but since they've been brought up to obey their parents, it has
become sort of second nature to give up their dreams. This is also
because they feel they owe their parents after all the hard work to
bring them up and can't bear to disobey their wishes. If she stands
up for herself, it may look like rebellion to her parents, and this
may cause tensions in the family. If she is close to her family, she
can talk to them and tell them she wants to choose her own path in
life, and if she encounters any problems, she would not hesitate to
ask for advice and assistance.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Ping, n/a, NA, Malaysia, 19, Female, Asian, Straight, student,
Middle class, Mesg ID 1031200154613
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Question:
When I moved to the United States (from the Caribbean) I was
surprised to hear the term 'white trash' used by whites to describe
other white Americans upon whom they look down. My assumption was
that white people stick together and wouldn't make derogatory
comments of someone within their own race. I guess I was wrong. Why
is this?
POSTED 10/23/2001
Natasha, Washington, DC, United States, 29, Female, Christian,
Afro-Caribbean, Straight, administrative assistant, Technical School,
Middle class, Mesg ID 1023200122553
Responses:
First, I abhor the use of this term, simply because I have
religious and moral principles that don't allow me to call any people
'trash.' Nobody is garbage. Having said that, though, most white
people have no problem with pointing out the shortcomings of other
white people because we don't perceive ourselves as a tribe. There
are exceptions, such as clannish ethnic groups (e.g., Poles or
Greeks) or people who take extreme pride in their own city, state or
region of the country, but as a rule, white people don't consider
themselves as part of a group - they are just 'people.' I don't
consider the race of a person in my assessment of their character.
This was Dr. King's dream, and the ideal to which we should all
aspire.
POSTED 10/26/2001
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1025200172648
This is not about race, it's about class. Whether we want to admit
it or not, Americans look down on other Americans who do not live the
same lifestyle they do. White people who call other whites 'white
trash' are knocking them for their lack of wealth,attitudes and
behavior. Where I live, someone who is 'White Trash' is not just
white, but is poor, has bad manners and lives in a trailer park,
drinks too much and marries his cousin. You get the idea, it's about
snobbery.
POSTED 10/26/2001
Susan, Reseda, CA, United States, Female, White/Caucasian, 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 1026200123609
I have more in common with my black and Latino neighbors than I do
some white guy living in Appalachia, despite the fact I'm white. To
suggest that 'whites stick together' is to believe we're all racist.
Educated people of all races have learned to define themselves in
terms beyond merely the color of their skins. To imply that I would
back or defend another Caucasian who was doing something harmful or
wrong solely on the basis of a shared pigment (or lack thereof) is
offensive. You will soon see, if you haven't already, that Jamaicans
and African Americans in this country detest each other, and they're
all black. What gives with that?
POSTED 10/29/2001
Emma, Los Angeles, CA, United States, Female, White/Caucasian,
Mesg ID 1029200175958
Your message surprised me - how could you not know that white
people are horribly divided? The class system is one expression of
this, but we also divide along religious and even sports-fan lines. I
assume you mean that when black people are divided, they show loyalty
to their race by keeping quiet about it when with whites. Personally,
I never thought of people being divided into races until I heard
about the black 'race' struggle. I always thought people just had
skins with various shades of brown and pink. Did you know there is no
scientific basis for race? According to studies, the DNA differences
WITHIN 'racial' groups are actually larger than those between them.
Anyway, no single group of people deserves the label 'trash,' black
or white. It is just lazy stereotyping.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Sean H., London, NA, United Kingdom, Male, White/Caucasian, Mesg
ID 1029200133500
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