Best of the Week
of Nov. 8, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of Nov. 8, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
GE15: I've noticed that a
significant number of men are resentful and unhappy if their wives,
girlfriends, etc., make more money than they do. I know of one man
who badgered his wife into trading her nursing position for a
lower-paying service job because he resented her higher salary. How
common is this trait among men? Don't they recognize the benefits of
two high-paying salaries?
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Melody, 45, married white working female, Atlanta, Ga.
ANSWER 1:
My husband is quite happy
with the fact that I make a higher salary. It certainly makes our
lives easier. I would guess most men who are unhappy with it either
feel less manly because they can't support their families alone, or
feel at a disadvantage because the balance of power is different. Or
both.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston
FURTHER NOTICE:
Men have trouble accepting
partners who earn more money than them because men have always been
known as the traditional "bread-winners" in the family. Even though
our society may preach that it doesn't matter which partner earns
more, it is inevitable that other men with relations to the man who
earns less than his wife will take notice. Even if on an unconscious
level, I feel the treatment that the man may then receive from his
fellow men could be tainted by the fact that he earns less than his
wife. After all, if the man doesn't even rule in his own home, how
could he ever presume to overcome another man? Though some of this
logic on the part of my gender may seem flawed, it is very hard for
men to overcome the fact that their wife makes more money and still
retain a sense of being the dominant partner, as the trait of
masculinity is supposed to entail.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Michael B., 18, male, IL
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THE QUESTION:
G34: Why is it that when people
from non-Southern states hear my Texas accent, they seem to
automatically assume I am one of the following: A) stupid, B) a
racist or C) backward, probably due to inbreeding of a rather
extensive nature?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Maybelle June Bodine <bodine@slip.net>, San Jose, CA
ANSWER 1:
I think this is another of
the evils in modern society that can be laid at Hollywood's doorstep.
If you want to make a show about well-educated, well-adjusted,
attractive young professionals, you set it in New York or Chicago or
L.A. If you want to make a show about people who drive around in an
ugly orange American car with the doors welded shut, foiling the evil
plans of the crooked local Judge and Sheriff, you set it in the
South. And then, to add insult to injury, you give the strongest
Southern accents to the stupidest or most crooked characters.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Mark, Alexandria, VA
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THE QUESTION:
R503: As a white male, my male
friends and I have often commented on how wonderfully sexy and erotic
Japanese women are. Do white women find Japanese men similarly
sexually exciting?
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
K. Larrson <klnx@spidernet.com.cy>, Nicosia
ANSWER 1:
I've lived in Japan for seven
years and know many white women dating or married to Japanese men, so
there are definitely women attracted to Japanese men. However, I
don't think as many white women are specifically attracted to
Japanese men the way white men are attracted to Japanese women. For
many men, it's a fetish. I think the women who go out with Japanese
men are going out with a particular man they like, who happens to be
Japanese. Another reason is the way Japanese men are portrayed in the
media - overworked salaryman, ninja, sex-crazed rapist, sneaky
businessman, samurai, geeky science student, poor English-speaker,
etc. How many of these stereotypes come to mind at the thought of
"Japanese man"? There aren't so many positive images, which is
unfortunate. Last reason: While short and slender is considered
attractive for women, it is not for men. Most Japanese men are this
body type, which white women may not find as attractive.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Brian B., 30, white male married to Japanese <bajuk@pop17.odn.ne.jp>, Nishinomiya, Japan
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THE QUESTION:
SO96: I know it's extremely
difficult to come out and admit one is gay. Can anyone share their
experience? How did you do it? How did the people around you
react?
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Mendoza, 21, Hispanic <mendo015@mailhost1.csusm.edu>, San Marcos, CA
ANSWER 1:
I think "coming out" is
something gay people do all their lives. Of course the biggest step
is simply coming out to oneself and admitting one is gay. For me, at
least, the next hardest thing was telling my mom - she cried because
she didn't understand much about gay people and thought I was in for
a terrible life. That was almost 10 years ago. Now things are amazing
- she's educated herself and come to realize that me being gay is a
wonderful thing. Again, gay people are always "coming out" to varying
degrees. Just yesterday I mentioned the fact that I have a boyfriend
to a casual friend - I don't know if she suspected I was gay, but, I
guess she knows now! In the 10 years since I came out to my mom, I've
learned that honesty is truly the best policy.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Doug, gay white male <dkerr@uwgt.org>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE:
I cannot write about coming
out as gay, but I can write about coming out as an agnostic. I live
in a country that is 98 percent Catholic (though the state is
secular), and where more than 60 percent of the population goes to
Sunday Mass. I lost my faith when I was 15, partly because I was
brought up without contact with non-believers, and was quite
surprised to realize they could be decent folks, too. I found it very
difficult to tell my parents; my friends did not accept that I simply
had different beliefs, and even eight years later I find it difficult
to tell people that I am not a believer. In fact I did not discuss
religion with my parents at all in those few months when my beliefs
were changing, because I did not want any parental pressure during
this delicate period; I still think I did the right thing because I
am now satisfied and convinced of my new beliefs, which is better
than living in continual doubt. The experience made me quite
sympathetic toward gays because, while the two issues are different,
they have one important point in common: I did not decide to change
my religious beliefs (in fact, I resisted the change initially), and
gays do not decide to be gay; they just find out that they are
different and that society usually does not accept this
difference.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Alastair F., 23, straight agnostic male <nafarr@waldonet.net.mt>, Paola, Malta
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Coming out is not only
difficult, it is never-ending. However, it does get easier with
practice. By saying it is never-ending, I mean that I am constantly
having to weigh whether it is important to "come out" to a person.
When a stranger on the bus, a coworker or anyone else chats you up,
and the conversation turns to spouses, families or social activities,
I have to decide whether to come out to them. I find myself weighing
in my mind, basically, if they have the power to hurt me if they find
the "true" me not according to their standards. It's unfortunate, but
I judge other people's open-mindedness before I make the decision. It
seems to work for me. I haven't been beaten up since high school and
haven't been discriminated against. The caveat, of course, is that I
live in San Francisco, and can afford to come out to more people. I
might be less open and honest if I were still in a small town in
Louisiana.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Gay White Male, 36 <mancub@gay.net> San Francisco, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R512: I've noticed that some rich
white people call poor white people "poor white trash," and seem to
condemn them for being poor. They also treat them really bad. Why is
this?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Whitney T., 19, black female <scrumpies@juno.com>, Oxford, MS
ANSWER 1:
I have used the term "White
Trash." To me it means white people who are poor, possibly on welfare
and who have no intention of getting off welfare. They also seem to
have been on welfare for several generations. I've also heard others
use the term referring to those individuals who may embarrass them,
like something you would see on a Jerry Springer
episode (i.e. "I'm sleeping with my sister!"). Those people are also
referred to as White Trash. I think they treat the white trashers
badly because of the lack of effort (or appearance thereof) to
improve one's lifestyle. As an aside, I would like to comment on an
article I found in a news magazine about poverty levels in America.
There was a white poverty level and black poverty level. The last
time I checked, my family was below the black poverty level, though
for where I live we are about average. I guess we are all white trash
to city folk?
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Scott C., 28, married, white <smcolson@key-net.net>, Mt. Jewett, PA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think it has more to do
with the attitudes and actions of the people in question than their
financial situation. My understanding of the term is that it
describes people who are generally loose with their morals,
irresponsible and unkempt, for lack of a better term. There are
members of my family who are financially stable but have been called
"white trash" for acting in that manner.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Contrary to what many
non-whites may think, we aren't all alike. To whites, there is a big
difference between "white trash" and high-class. Just as many blacks
feel that all whites see them as looking alike, I sometimes think
blacks think all whites look alike. Basically it comes down to money,
and acting like you have money or education. The blacks who are
accused of "acting white" or selling out are not really acting white;
they're acting rich. Us rednecks and hillbillies don't put on airs
like that. And, for that matter, most of us hillbillies actually get
along better with poor blacks than rich blacks do.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
B., 23, white male, Kokomo, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I've never really heard the
expression "poor" white trash as it pertains to income specifically.
However, the term "white trash" is certainly prevalent among white
people, but I really do not believe it referrs to economic status as
much as to a certain group of behaviors. Someone who is considered
"white trash" might do things like not take good care of themselves
and their families, become absorbed in partying and pleasure more
than work and self-improvement, and generally show a lack of respect
for themselves and those around them. This type of behavior is
certainly not limited to poor people. White usage of this expression
is similar to black usage of "nigger" when referring to other black
people in the community that bring shame to it.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
D.M.M., white female, 24 <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Middle/upper-class whites
have more in common with middle/upper-class blacks than with
lower-class whites. Upper-class people tend to define themselves in
material terms - large house, fancy cars - and often reinforce that
by disparaging those without money. Thus, wisecracks about trailer
parks and white trash. There is also a fear factor. In upscale
communities, everybody is kept in line because they have a lot to
lose. People without much to lose are perceived as playing by
different rules, or outside the rules, which is scary.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Bruce H., white, upscale suburbanite <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I believe that in today's
"politically correct" world, white people often experience great
pressure when talking to people of other races. I believe that by
degrading members of their own race, some whites feel as if they are
appealing to whoever it is they are talking to. Personally, I am
extremely offended when somebody of any race uses the term "white
trash," and I never hesitate to tell them.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Age 23, Caucasion, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I've heard the insults "white
trash" and "trailer trash" used occasionally, but I can't recall ever
hearing "poor white trash." (Maybe "poor" is inherent in "trailer.")
Perhaps the most public example was James Carville's description of
Paula Jones. In any case, I have always understood it to mean an
individual who has no self-respect, sense of propriety or common
decency (e.g. Jerry
Springer guests). Personally,
I can't think of something a whole lot trashier than condemning
someone for being poor (or white, for that matter). So to answer your
question, I'm not sure that people who use that particular phrase are
looking down on others for being poor, but whether they are or not,
they may be saying more about themselves than the people they are
intending to insult.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Mark, white, middle class, Alexandria, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Middle-class white people
live in morbid fear of falling into the lower ranks, or of being
identified with the lower ranks of "undesirables." Ways of not being
white trash are drilled into children, including: Refined conduct and
dress (prohibitions against being loud, or wearing worn or overly
casual clothing in public, or having tattoos), and keeping the yard
and house looking spiffy. White trash does not mean lower class or
poor. It means a lack of couth, or decency, or culture. "White trash"
really means "uncultured." It is a put-down. "Poor white trash"
describes a white trash person who is also poor, but the main
put-down part of that term is still the "white trash" part, not the
"poor" part.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Mark S., 30, white, middle class <markseely@aol.com>, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
O33: Why do we lower physical
standards for women in police and fire occupations? Are we not
risking the lives of people in the interest of equality? I for one
would not want a woman half my size attempting to carry me out of a
burning building. I would much rather it be a man who I know has the
physical capability.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Pete, Toledo, OH
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THE QUESTION:
RE83: My six-year-old daughter
would like to know why only Native American men and not women are
allowed to dance around fires in the tribes that have these
traditions.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Grant and Katie, 35 & 6 <artmcm@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
It's very tricky and probably
inaccurate to generalize about Indian traditions since there are
several hundred different ones in the United States alone. But from
what I know, most traditions believe in the separation of masculine
and feminine roles, power and influence. There are also many rituals
that are for women and girls alone. Some tribes have
had women warriors and did allow them to take part in warrior
rituals. Please don't get any ideas that all Indians believe in the
subordination of women or the "squaw" (which is a crude word meaning
vagina) stereotype from old movies. There are some tribal nations
that have that problem, but there are also many that are
traditionally female-led or at least with a great deal of female
influence.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio, TX
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THE QUESTION:
O31: Can anyone in the fashion
industry tell me why the runway models have such outrageous clothes
that nobody would be caught dead in? The clothes on display by major
designers never resemble anyting I see in public. Do people really
buy that stuff, and where on earth do they wear it?
POSTED NOV. 6, 1998
R.J., Cincinnati, OH
ANSWER 1:
It is obvious you have never
been to Paris or Milan, for example. I have been in many dance clubs
and bars in these areas and see such extravagant outfits here. I
doubt you would see anyone wearing this in Cincinnati. Before you
assume no one would be caught dead in these outfits, maybe you ought
to think in a more wordly manner. There is a world outside the United
States and Cincinnati.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Jeff, male, Dayton, OH
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a student at the Fashion
Institute of Technology in New York, I can give you an explanation
about why designers design outrageous clothes that are impossible for
wear even to special events. Fashion designers are very competitive
with each other, especially when there are new and upcoming designers
who are just as talented as the well-established designers. Designers
are artists, and they need to express themselves. However, they do
have lines designed and marketed to the everyday customer. Those
outrageous clothes are ways to get their names out there so that
customers will respond.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Julie, 21, female <Jasmin411@aol.com>, New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
One is more likely to find
outrageous clothing in urban centers and among the wealthy,
particularly in Europe. The designers themselves seek to be
expressive and to create something invigoratingly new. To them and to
many others, like myself, the clothing is beautiful, inspiring, fun,
dramatic, moody, crazy, angry, soothing, etc. It extends and
represents who we are or who we desire to be.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Ryan H. <ryanhy@tbaytel.net>, Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I know! I know! My mother has
her master's in fashion design and she tells me that runway shows are
not in any way intended to exhibit a line of practical clothing. They
are to be taken like an art exhibit with no practical application;
their value is purely aesthetic. However, they do translate into
"real world" fashion in a subtle way. Let's say you observe a runway
show filled with models strutting down the catwalk practically naked
in nothing but sheer, drapey, shapeless fabrics. That season, you
might notice a lot of sheer blouses in the department stores, but
accompanied by another layer underneath because people in the real
world can't run around with their nipples showing. The fashion shows
basically serve to celebrate the fabrics and cuts that designers want
to be "in" that season in the most dramatic and showy way
possible.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
D.M.M., 24, white, female <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
From what I've heard there
are two types of fashion shows: Haute Couture and Pret-a-porter.
Haute Couture are the outrageous, one-copy-only creations. If you
want one of these, you have to buy the original and it costs an arm
and a leg and a few other body parts. These are the shows that are in
many ways like art shows. Most people who attend them won't buy any
of the clothes. But some will. Pret-a-porter means "ready-to-wear."
The clothes exhibited in these shows are less outrageous and are
usually for sale in ordinary stores. They can be quite expensive, but
they are made in many copies. They are often on the edge, but not as
outrageous as the Haute Couture clothes.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Frej <frejvall@online.no>, Oslo, Norway
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THE QUESTION:
GE90: A female told me she just
wanted to be friends, but one day when our school took a field trip,
she thought I was supposed to spend the whole day with her. Why did
she assume I would spend the day with her?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Matthew L. 25, Asian <mlee@curry.edu>, Quincy, MA
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THE QUESTION:
SO92: What would be the reasons
for "outing" a gay person, especially if it is against his or her
wishes? POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Stephen S., 31, straight male, San Antonio, TX
ANSWER 1:
The reasons would have to be
selfish (on the part of the "outer"). I cannot imagine what it would
be like to have someone take away this "control" over my own life.
Even if the gay person were overtly anti-gay, and the "outer" knew
this person to be gay, it would not, in my opinon, justify this.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Joe D., 35, gay white male, Philadelphia, PA
FURTHER NOTICE:
There is no reason for outing
someone who would not like to be outed. It is that individual's
decision to come out when and how they want.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Leticia <celestial611@hotmail.com> New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
"Outing" was popularized by
some radical gay groups in the 1980s. Their rationale was that the
image and self-respect of gay people would be improved if it was
publicly known that many famous people were gay. It was also seen as
important in the fight to secure AIDS funding. Another rationale was
that some closeted homosexuals actively worked to oppress gay people,
through political and other avenues. It was felt that these people
should be "outed" to expose their hypocrisy. The problem is that
"outing" is someone deciding to publicize another person's private
life. The victim has no recourse. Sometimes the victim wasn't even
gay. On other occasions the link between the individual "outed" and
oppressive acts and organizations was questionable. Outing is now
considered rather dated. As the Lewinsky scandal and U.S.
Congressional elections showed, public sentiment these days is that
someone's private life is their own business.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
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THE QUESTION:
R383: Why are long, elaborate
fake nails so popular among urban black women? Don't these interfere
with daily tasks? Do black men find these nails attractive?
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
J.A.B, 25, white, Pikesville, MD
ANSWER 1:
I have artificial nails and
get a lot of compliments. Most of the girls I know get them because
they look good continually, the polish stays on longer than your real
nails and they help stop annoying habits like biting your nails. A
lot of black men love them, I don't know why exactly, and are willing
to pay for their women to have them done. Long nails are really
impractical. I keep mine fairly short (they're still kind of long)
during the school year so I can type and play the piano. You just
adjust to them.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Kaleah, 18, black high school student, Houston, Texas
FURTHER NOTICE:
As part of our African
heritage, we love to decorate our bodies with elaborate braids, beads
in our hair and jewelry on our ears, hands, arms, fingers, necks and
toes. Fingernails are no exception. And we really love vivid colors,
probably because of African wildlife, especially birds and fish.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I notice more and
more white people are copying what we have always done in this area.
I remember in the 1960s when white men only wore black, navy, brown
or gray suits, and white women's earrings were no bigger than a green
pea. Today, they have joined the brothers and sisters and are also
wearing vivid colors and large earrings, sometimes multiple
earrings!
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Jaye, 63, black female, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GD46: I'm a single
(never-married) straight white female, age 43. I would like people to
comment on why never-marrieds like me are often treated like social
pariahs. Many divorcees seem to be able to make social contacts via
their children, but never-married women are left out of the loop
unless they are willing to limit social contacts to spouse-hunting
arenas. I'd just like a friend or two; I'm not looking for a
spouse.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Marg H., Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
ANSWER 1:
Like attracts like. Even in a
church setting, unless one specifically makes it a point to approach
someone outside their social circle, families will gravitate toward
families of similar-aged children. Childless couples will tend to
gravitate toward childless couples, etc. That is not to say that
boundaries can't be crossed. I hope that those who read this question
and my response will become sensitized to reaching out. That's what
it is all about. Singles can offer to babysit children of couples,
and families can invite singles to join them in their activities. Not
every attempt to reach out will spark friendships. Just as a
fisherman knows, he can't catch fish unless he's willing to try.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Ronald V., 45 <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
A29: Why do many teens (and
pre-teens to a lesser extent) always try to be individual by
attempting to fit in with others? For example, wearing a specific
brand of clothes or drinking a certain soft drink. Individuality
involves thinking for yourself.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Lawrence R., 16 <redrum31582@yahoo.com>, Indianapolis, IN
ANSWER 1:
I don't think a majority of
teenagers understand the term individuality. They hear the word and
associate it with a certain group. It's just like the kids who dress
like Goths; they say they do it to express themselves. What are they
expressing? That they like dark clothes and pounds of make-up? They
are not expressing anything. They don't know the meaning of it. If
you look at the kids who claim they are different from others, they
only dress different. They still think the same.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
J. Bennett, 21, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Anyone who thinks there is no
conservatism in our society has only to look within the walls of a
typical American junior or senior high school. Adolescents thrive on
conservatism at its worst. Teens are defined by their peers based on
what "group" they fit into - jocks, preps, cheerleaders, etc. Those
who choose to express their individuality are often categorized as
"freaks" and are subjected to unbridled abuse by their peers. Most
teenagers have not yet grown mature enough in their thinking to
realize it's better to be yourself than fit into a group, and will do
anything to fit in because if they don't, the long-term social
consequences will be dire.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Dan, 20, male, La Salle, IL
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THE QUESTION:
R511: I recently saw part of a
truly awful movie on HBO that involved a "boot camp" for juvenile
offenders. One character, an African-American guard, lectured an
inmate, also an African American, about his lack of character. In
doing so, he distinguished between "niggers" and "blacks," stating
that "niggers" are the gang-bangers and dope addicts, while "blacks"
are the hard-working, law-abiding citizens. Do African Americans
commonly make this distinction within the African-American
community?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Jerry, 65, white male, Tampa , FL
ANSWER 1:
Yes, black people do
distingish between the two. Haven't you heard Chis Rock's standup
routine about "I love black people, can't stand niggers!" There is a
difference: Black people care about the neighborhood, niggers don't.
In effect, niggers are the ones looting, stealing and just plane
trifling. They don't care about nothing, and people who do that are
considered niggers.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Gerald <g-battle@nwu.edu>, Chicago, IL
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