Best of the Week
of Nov. 18, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Nov. 18, 2001, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s database using the search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
OK fellas, fess-up: Why do some men feel the need to lie or
tell half-truths? Do you males understand that a lie, once it is
identified, can cause severe damage to a relationship? Once a woman
no longer trusts you, it's only a matter of time before she's
gone.
POSTED 11/21/2001
Julie, Woodbridge, VA, United States, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
1120200142159
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Question:
Just what constitutes defending Islam? It seems to include not
just retaliating against, say, an invasion, but also against less
physical attacks, such as from writing. Did the sentence upon Salmon
Rushdie count as such?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Chuck C., Middlefield, CT, United States, 21, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Middle class, Mesg ID 1119200173311
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Question:
To women: Do you always wear undergarments under your clothes?
Also, do you remove all your clothing before having sex?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Rosa C., Middletown, CT, United States,
<amoswindward2001@yahoo.com>, 40, Female, Catholic, Puerto
Rican, Straight, student/mom, Less than High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1119200184310
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Question:
What would the sense of acceptance be for someone who converted
to Islam after being born in South Africa and moving to Australia,
compared to someone in the same circumstances who was born into
Islam? Would there really be any differences, or would it depend on
the person, the person they are married to and the friends they have
made?
POSTED 11/8/2001
Fadiela K., Ballajura, na, Australia,
<fkirsten@student.com.edu.au>, 44, Female, Muslim, Straight,
Psychology student, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
114200132438
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Question:
Why must Americans take important roles in conflicts throughout
the world?
POSTED 11/8/2001
Dil N., Bombay, NA, India, Male, Mesg ID 114200134738
Responses:
American values of individual human rights and free enterprise
benefit from global stability, so the United States generally tries
to use its considerable influence to promote such stability around
the world. Also, it is part of being a good ally.
POSTED 11/14/2001
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 119200174127
I don't think it is imperative that the United States takes an
important role.For some time in the early 20th century, it was rather
isolationist. However, U.S. commercial interests now dictate that
there is some intervention - in the Middle East the main factor has
always been oil. The strength of the oil and car lobby in the United
States and the active destruction of alternate choices of transport
now mean you have few other options. (In the 20s the United States
had a fantastic interurban electric rail system, the envy of the
world. It was slowly bought up by oil companies, etc. and ripped up.)
Protection of 'freedom' is sometimes a reason, but mostly only when
it tallies with commercial interests - note the example of Kuwait, in
which calls for Western support for Kuwait's democracy movement after
the 1991 conflict were ignored as soon as the oil was flowing again.
It's not a uniquely American thing. In my country, Australia, the
government spent years supporting the odious Soeharto regime in
Indonesia for precisely the same reason: access to Timor Gap oil and
gas.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Ben S., London, NA, Australia, <bscaro@yahoo.com>, 33, Male,
Rosicrucian, White/Caucasian, Gay, traveller, 4 Years of College,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 1118200171537
Ben, I found your explanation insightful, but I don't agree with
your implication that U.S. self interest is a bad thing. I quote here
from the Sunday Times (of London): 'Let us ponder exactly what the
Americans did in that most awful of all centuries, the 20th. They
saved Europe from barbarism in two world wars. After the second world
war they rebuilt the continent from the ashes. They confronted and
peacefully defeated Soviet communism, the most murderous system ever
devised by man, and thereby enforced the slow dismantling--we
hope--of Chinese communism, the second-most murderous. America,
primarily, ejected Iraq from Kuwait and helped us to eject Argentina
from the Falklands. Americans stopped the slaughter in the Balkans
while the Europeans dithered.' The article goes on to state that
without such U.S. involvement, the Earth would closely resemble hell.
No other world power in history has ever been as benevolent. A pretty
good argument for U.S. involvement in world affairs. Even if the
United States acted out of commercial interest in Kuwait, the result
was positive and has helped stabilize the region. However, as you
suggest, there is always room for improvement.
POSTED 11/21/2001
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 11192001104443
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respond
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Question:
As Earth can support and take care of only so many people, what
should we do about certain people who cannot contribute to society?
For example, if I were informed that my son would be born with severe
brain damage, I would not approve of life support to spare the life
of someone who will never contribute to society. I'm sure there are
many people who have retarded children who will say their child is a
loving person and that you are glad they are alive today. This is
absurd. A dog is a loving animal with a distinct personality. But if
a dog consumed resources like a retarded child does, I'm convinced
they would be illegal. My conclusion: anyone who cannot contribute to
society should not be allowed to consume resources that should be
left for our posterity. Instead, they should be humanely removed from
society, either euthanised or left to fend on their own. If you
really want a stupid, loving animal (because we are all animals), get
yourself a dog, because a dog won't consume nearly as much of the
earth's irreplacable resources. What do others think?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Patrick, Los Altos, CA, United States, 35, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 1118200185943
Responses:
Adolf Hitler felt the same about Nazi Germany in the '30s and
'40s. Where is your compassion?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Bill, Burlington, VT, United States, 43, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1119200162700
I think you've failed to establish that getting rid of such people
would significantly impact the planet's resources. Would not strong
family planning incentives be more effective and humane? Also, you
fail to define 'contributing to society' and other practical matters
such as who decides, etc.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Rick, Springfield, OH, United States, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1119200184159
Does your solution include euthanising your aged grandmother when
she becomes too old to contribute to society?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 27, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1119200193015
The problem with your argument is that it places material
contributions above all others. I believe the value of each human
life can never compare to any material thing. A dog may give
affection and companionship, but I do not think the relationship
between an animal and a person can compare to that of two human
beings (whether that be a relative, friend or life partner). My
mother had a sister who was mentally retarded, yet the love she
brought to the family was immeasurable. In addition, who is to say
who contributes more and who contributes less? Who gets to judge?
What if there were 'contribution police' and they said you used up
much more than you contribute? If you use more resources than you
consume, does that mean you should be 'humanely removed'? After all,
as a nation, the United States uses up about 80 percent of the
world's resources, yet we are only about 5 percent of the population
(I heard these statistics recently - they may not be exact but they
are close). With your logic, shouldn't our entire country be
destroyed? I believe our value is not measured only by our
contributions. We have value just because we exist. And it is an
immeasurable value.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Marianne, Cleveland, OH, United States, 40, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, educator, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 11192001111006
I find the premise behind your post - that people are worth only
as much as they can contribute - very troubling. How would this
contribution be measured? Who makes this type of decision? Is an
artist worth more or less than, say, an engineer? Who contributes
more, and how do we quantify that? How do we decide when someone is
too old/feeble/poor/short/tall/black/white/etc. to do what 'we' think
they should? Where does it begin, and how will we know if we've gone
too far? This is a very tricky (not to mention cold) calculus, and I
don't think there's anything 'humane' about it. I believe there is
more to life than trying to climb over your neighbor to soak up 'your
share' of the resources. I also believe that we are more than
animals.
POSTED 11/19/2001
L., Chicago, IL, United States, 22, Female, African Methodist
Episcopalian, Black/African American, Straight, writer, 4 Years of
College, Middle class, Mesg ID 11192001111533
Who is to decide what constitutes a valid contribution to society?
And what exactly would such a contribution be measured in? Economic
value by income? Then a housewife should be put out of her misery
a.s.a.p. Emotional support? Then a bitchy, 30-year-old single loner
would have less worth than society is ready to pay for. Social
involvement? Then an organized, froth-at-the-mouth do-gooder using up
barrels of fuel per year for driving about pestering his victims
should be encouraged. What's yours, for instance? Some people might
argue you use up way too many resources, only abuse the economy for
your own benefit and in old age are reasonably to be considered a
pest to humanity - plus not likely to contribute anything worthwhile
any more. And from what age onwards would we then (all of us) expect
to be put out of our misery for not contributing to society?
Actually, come to think of it, what do you suggest doing with those
who have accidents that leave them permanently damaged even at a
young age? I reckon your line of thought is like a stone thrown into
the water: the circle of potential victims increases in diametre the
more time you think about it. Maybe think about it again.
POSTED 11/19/2001
T., Munich, NA, Germany, 32, Atheist, Over 4 Years of College,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 11192001112413
One who can't contribute to society should be removed? Who defines
such a one? Would Helen Keller or Beethoven be classified as
non-contributors because they were blind or deaf? If such a mindset
were to come into place (it sounds like Hitler already had one
similiar to that in Germany - the elderly non-contributors were
killed, as were various non-productive groups), everyone would live
in fear that they would be killed. Such a society would be very
efficient, but without heart. They would kill their own builders when
an age of infirmity would come upon them. Also, what would constitute
a contribution? Then how much must the minimum contribution be? Like
a salesman who doesn't make his quota, his life rather than his
employment would be terminated. From a Christian point of view, our
value comes from who we are, rather than what we produce. We are to
produce as we are able. God gives life, which is the most valuable,
and to prematurely terminate life would be to devalue this gift. It
is in times of reflection and non-productive activity that the
miracle and gift of life becomes apparent. Those who are obsessed
with more production are too busy to see what a wonderful creation
our Creator gave us.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, 48, Male, Christian,
Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 11192001115039
I realize you want a gut reaction, Patrick, but unfortunatly for
you my gut reaction to your post was boredom, so I ain't biting. I
would, however, be thrilled to know what it is that you 'contribute'
to society. Please don't use your job/qualifications to respond;
that's even more boring. I am not asking this in a rhetorical manner,
I would honestly like to know what it is you value as a
'contribution.'
POSTED 11/19/2001
Iteki, Stockholm (via Dublin), NA, Sweden, 25, Female, Recovering
Catholic, White/Caucasian, Lesbian, Student, 2 Years of College,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 1119200134135
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Question:
How do hundreds of young black males afford $60,000,
tricked-out Escalades but live in the hood? Why would anyone want to
live in a shack if you can afford to have expensive
clothing/jewelry/car? I don't understand the logic. It seems like it
is a sort of peacock syndrome. I would like to find one of these jobs
that could afford me these luxuries. But it seems I see these guys
cruisin' around while I am at work, so it must be nightshift work of
some kind. I don't get it. Everything is for show, it seems, like
walking around in a suit made of $100 bills, - and if someone
actually made a suit like that, you would see blacks wearing it.
Please explain!
POSTED 7/16/2001
Bill, Detroit, MI, United States, Male, Mesg ID
7132001102739
Responses:
I am a white girl who has lots of black friends - the most loving
and caring people, just like my white friends. I know what Bill is
talking about, and I have thought about it myself while driving down
Joy Road or Livernois and seeing all this stuuf as I go by. You will
always see people with the BEST of cars, BEST of clothes and BEST of
jewelry, and you always wonder where it comes from. Some do work at
the Big Three, but a lot only work on 'drug calls' at night. But I
have to say, it's not only blacks; whites do it, too. I have three
white friends who make their trips to Detroit to pick up some goods
and bring it on back into Howell to sell. So if we say "Damn those
blacks," we can also say "Damn those whites." Everyone lives off of
everyone else, and if there is nothing interesting in one's life,
then they have to find something else to look for to talk about. I
get upset because nine times out of 10, the man on the corner selling
drugs was just standing in the welfare line waiting for food stamps,
and there is a sign for McDonalds hiring for $8-$9 per hour. Now that
p***es me off. I don't like lazy people, but what are you going to
do? The only good thing about Michigan now is that those who are
welfare now have to take random drug tests, and if they are caught,
they lose their benefits. Unfortunately I think we will see more
homeless people, but it might make them think a little more next time
(in three years, when they can reapply) to not mess up.
POSTED 11/18/2001
Arleen, Pinckney, MI, United States, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Government Worker, 2 Years of College,
Mesg ID 11172001102433
I also am from the area and have seen the same types of things.
Blacks in the area seem to have an affinity for expensive cars, but
home ownership and living in decent housing seems secondary. I think
the answer lies in the psychological effects of slavery. During
slavery and the Jim Crow era, blacks were not allowed (either through
law, discrimination or financial constraints) to own homes, thus we
set our sights on things that were realistically attainable at the
time. Clothing, shoes, jewelery and cars were things that became our
status symbols. This is the same reason many blacks dress to the
nines to go to church (church was one of the few activities that
black families were allowed to manage and participate in during
slavery), whereas many traditionally white congregations(Catholic
churches, for example) place less value on your dress during the
service.
Blacks have suffered psychologically in many ways from slavery,
and you are just witnessing one of the ways it has affected and
continues to affect many of the values passed from generation to
generation in black culture.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Angel, Detroit, MI, United States, <sweetstilz@aol.com>, 23,
Female, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Research, 4 Years
of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 7252001112906
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Question:
What do gays enjoy about anal sex?
POSTED 11/19/2001
Curio, Portland, OR, United States, Mesg ID 1118200141542
Responses:
Maybe they enjoy the same thing about it that straight people do.
I'm a straight female, and just about every guy I've dated long-term
has asked me for anal sex at some point. (I personally don't enjoy
it, though I also know plenty of straight women who do.) I also know
some gay men who don't really enjoy anal sex.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Sanvean, Lansing, MI, United States, 25, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Journalist, 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1119200132228
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Question:
Perhaps it is typical of 'Southern' speech patterns in the
Unted States, but when another person is being referred to directly,
the use of the word 'girl' is sometimes used, in Afro-American
conversation, rather than the person's name. It seems that the word
is used in a friendly context, but to me it seems more personal to
refer to the person's actual name, rather than a word that describes
the person's gender. If intimacy is being attempted, why would the
person's name not be used? Does it have anything to do with the way
people were referred to years ago? Why keep such a pattern of speech
if another style can be used that identifies the person by name? And
why is the origin of this speech pattern from the South? For all the
talk of manners, to me, the use of a person's name is highly
respectful.
POSTED 11/16/2001
Phil, Pittsburgh, PA, United States, Male, Mesg ID
11152001123526
Responses:
You said it: a name is very personal. I find it impolite to use
someone's name in the presence of strangers who could be listening.
You never know the intention of strangers. So, out of respect for the
person I'm talking to, I don't call them by name. If I were to holler
their name to everybody, that would show that I don't care who knows
them. They know I know their name.
POSTED 11/21/2001
Jada, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 21, Female, Agnostic, mixed
race, Straight, Student, Less than High School Diploma, Lower class,
Mesg ID 1119200191020
I have never particularly noticed this habit in the South, but I
think you are starting off with the presupposition that the use of
one's proper name indicates intimacy, and that's not necessarily
true. I think it might be the other way around - feeling comfortable
enough around someone else to use a generic or specific nickname. I
once had a boss who constantly referred to me as 'Bubba' (translated:
young Southern male of a certain physical size), and far from being
offended, I found it amusing and friendly, and I think that's how he
meant it. If it had been meant as a put-down, I would have picked up
on it, and it simply wasn't there. At this point I am also reminded
of the '70s sitcom 'Rhoda' (Jewish family in New York City) where it
seemed like everyone was constantly using everyone else's names in
conversation. It's probably a regional and cultural thing.
POSTED 11/21/2001
Augustine, Columbia, SC, United States, 41, Male, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1120200171515
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Question:
I am well aware of the sticker culture among
gay/lesbian/whomever (i.e.: Rainbow for gay/lesbian, earth tones for
bears, and black/blue with a red heart for SM/leather peeps). Here is
my question: The one thing that constantly puzzles me is when people
affix their badge of pride to their personal mode of transportation
either upside-down or backward (i.e.: instead of red, orange, yellow,
green, blue, and violet from top to bottom or left to right, some
place them in the opposite order). Why is this? On a side note:
Although I am proud to be gay, I am not one who would purposefully
affix a target to my vehicle for vandalization. And while it is
somewhat a game we play when on a road trip to say, hey there is a
friend of Dorothy and pass them just to see if they are cute, I am
not necessarily keen on advertising to strangers about my personal
life, just as I would want the same from others.
POSTED 11/16/2001
Kinsey, San Francisco, CA, United States, 26, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Business Consultant, Over 4 Years of College,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 1132001120419
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Question:
My neighbor from Syria is likely to lose his father very soon.
The family are Muslims. Can someone give me some do's or don'ts as
far as expressing sympathy and supporting the family in the event of
the death of a loved one?
POSTED 9/17/2001
Tom B., High Point, NC, United States, Male, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 916200144739
Responses:
Do: call them and ask what time you can stop by to express
sympathy. Muslims usually have 3 to 7 days after the death for people
to do that. You should not stay more than 20 minutes.
Do: when you go, do not say, 'I am sorry.' Just say that we are
all for God (Allah) and we all will go back to him one day.
Do (if you want): invite or send them lunch or dinner during the
first 3 or 7 days (call first), because they will be too busy to
cook. Do not send or serve desserts.
Do not: if you have a wife and she should wanted to express
sympathy, she should go to were women go; men and women have
different places to do that.
Do not: talk of death as a tragedy; talk of it as a test from God
and that we will all go to another life after this life.
POSTED 11/16/2001
Mohammad, Alexandria, VA, United States, 32, Male, Muslim,
Straight, bank employee, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
924200164609
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Question:
For those people who believe sex is prohibited before marriage,
how do you feel about those who don't feel the same way? And do you
ever feel like giving into your desires?
POSTED 11/8/2001
Rebecca P., Melbourne, NA, Australia, 21, Female, Straight,
Nursing Student, Middle class, Mesg ID 114200134817
Responses:
I don't know whether or not I qualify, because I have been
sexually active, but because of a spiritual awakening, I became
abstinent. My conviction is to remain so until marriage. I guess that
implies that I can't very well judge someone who hasn't made the same
choice. I do, however, have opinions about people who are
"promiscuous." I wonder about their self-esteem. I frown upon the
cavalier treatment of something I consider sacred. I think about
disease, unplanned pregnancy and the frequent emotional pain I
perceive that people can suffer when they share their bodies with
someone who doesn't love them. With regard to temptation, certainly.
I feel longing sometimes. I have a healthy sexuality. However, it
will never go beyond fantasy, because I know I can't ever have a
fulfilling sexual experience outside of a covenant made between
myself, my husband and God. I should know, because I tried.
POSTED 11/14/2001
Jennifer W., St. Paul, MN, United States, <dkflwr2@aol.com>,
31, Female, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, Non-Profit,
4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1113200185030
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Question:
I have read that most Muslims in the world deplore the actions
of the radical fundamentalists and that they are actually peaceful
people. In mainstream Muslim societies and families, are females
considered the equal of males in all respects? Does the religion
consider women and girls as somehow inferior or less important than
boys and men? Is it expected that females would be afforded as much
education and opportunities as males?
POSTED 11/2/2001
Fred H., Avon, MA, United States, 72, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, retired, High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1112001100311
Responses:
The Quran does not teach violence. The actions of the Taliban and
El Queda have as much relation to mainstream Muslims as Adolph Hitler
had to mainstream Christians. Both justified atrocities with
religious-seeming language. But so did the Christian Crusaders of
1,000 years ago; they mercilessly slaughtered Jews and Muslims who
lived in Palestine together peacefully. Most of us do not understand
our own religions' foundations in a great prophet whose people
interpreted his life within a social context. As the social
conditions have changed, so the religions must also change. Those
religionists who would try to take the world back only impede the
visions of their religion's founders.
POSTED 11/6/2001
Kent, Melbourne, NA, Australia, 60, Male, Anglican,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1132001105623
I appreciate your question. Let me, as a literate, American
Muslim, inform you that in no way does Islam oppress women. The
religion of Islam is based on the revelation we call Quran. According
to the Quran, women are not only to receive equal treatment to men,
but in some cases it would seem even better treatment. One of the
main problems we have in Islam is the interpretation of the Quran by
Arab/Middle Eastern 'scholars' who infuse their cultural backwardness
into the religion. Most of the people in the so-called Islamic
countries are illiterate - male and female. They depend on a sheik,
mullah or religious 'scholar' to tell them what the book says, and
they live by that. Illiteracy and Islam can't co-exist. The word
Quran derives from a word meaning 'that which is to be studied.'
There's so much that can be said on this topic. I suggest you ask
some of the 'scholars' who claim that mistreatment of women is a part
of Islam whether Muhammad (peace be unto him) ever abused or oppresed
women. Ask them what condition the women of Arabia were in before the
revelation of Quran and how that changed when Muhammad began to teach
the religion. There's a well-known story in Islam of a young man who
asked Muhammad whom he should show the most regard for - the Prophet
answered, 'your mother.' The young man said, 'and then who?', the
Prophet said, 'your mother.' After saying this yet a third time, on
the fourth time the Prophet said, 'your father.' The Quran also says
that a man who educates two women is destined for paradise
(paraphrased).
POSTED 11/6/2001
Debra, Brooklyn, NY, United States, Female, Muslim, Black/African
American, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 1152001111239
Well said, Debra. Several years ago I did a little research into
Islam and Middle Eastern cultures because, as a young engineer
beginning my career, I was working more and more with people of
Middle Eastern descent, and I decided I needed to learn more about
their cultures and beliefs. Previously, I didn't know much about the
Middle East or Islam. I was very interested in the distinction
between what the Quran says and what the so-called scholars teach
about Islam. It's a case of those in power distorting a religion to
fulfill their own agendas (like that has never happened with a
religion before!). I also think it is very interesting how in the
United States, which is a predominantly Christian country, we tend to
think of Islam as backward and archaic, when it is actually a very
forward-thinking religion. At the time when Islam was promoting
equality between men and women, the Christian world was working very
hard at instituting inequality.
POSTED 11/8/2001
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 27, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1162001101850
Most religions, cultures and societies consider women less
important than men, including Christianity.
POSTED 11/6/2001
I. Cade, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 22, Female, Catholic,
Black/African American, graduate, 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 115200125040
Women who take part in religion are idiots. Anybody with a brain
can see that religion is a man-made construct. All these 'divine'
rules were invented by men to satisfy their base needs, to the
detriment of women. It's all bulls***.
POSTED 11/19/2001
Carol B., Waldorf, MD, United States, Female, Mesg ID
11182001102442
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Question:
A friend who is married (a woman) is having an affair with a
co-worker who is married. She told me it was an instant attraction
for both of them, and neither one of them wants to stop seeing the
other. They can't get enough of each other, but it's not just
physical. To those of you who have had affairs outside of your
marriage, why did you start the affair? What kept it going? Why do
you think men and women have extramarital affairs? Do men have
affairs just to get physical attention, or do some men fall in love
with these women? Do most women who have affairs have serious
feelings for these men, or are they just out for a piece of a**? I
know it's morally wrong; I'm just trying to get inside the head of
someone who has been there.
POSTED 11/2/2001
Missy, Somewhere, PA, United States, 34, Female,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
111200191127
Responses:
I am ashamed to admit I have had several extramarital affairs.
The first one happened after six years of marriage. He was married
also, and we both left our spouses for each other and moved in
together. It lasted only a few weeks because I realized I loved my
husband, and he was gracious enough to allow me to come back home.
The second one happened six years later, and I was in love with this
one. At first, it was purely physical; the sex was incredible. He was
also married, and we planned to leave our spouses for each other. We
eventually did, but we never got together. We are still friends to
this day, and my attraction to him is as strong as ever. However, I
realize that what we did was wrong, and there is no way to make it
right. It ruined a marriage and left several children on both sides
without their father.
POSTED 11/8/2001
Anonymous, Bridgeport, CT, United States, Female, Mesg ID
115200180816
Read His needs, her needs: building an affair-proof marriage by
Willard F. Harley, Jr. It talks extensively about affairs, and is
written by a psychologist who has helped many people through them. He
talks about the basic ego needs of men and the basic ego needs of
women that are not met at home, but are met by those in the office or
on the production floor. No, it is not primarily sexual, although as
sexual beings, people do get entangled sexually. I highly recommend
the book, which could be in your local library.
POSTED 11/8/2001
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, Male, Mesg ID
1152001113641
Although I don't speak from experience (who needs to be burned to
learn that fire burns?), men and women have basic needs that must be
met. Man�s five most basic needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companion
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
Woman�s five most basic needs:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment
http://www.geocities.com/celicastx/relationships.html is where you
can get a more detailed description of each of these. Morality can
provide an incentive to avoid misbehavior. However, meeting these
needs in a home is much better than having these needs met elsewhere,
which can lead to affairs and broken homes.
POSTED 11/14/2001
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, 48, Male, Christian,
Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 11132001114904
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Question:
When did women started to grow and polish their nails?
POSTED 11/2/2001
A. Lenumérosix, Montréal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 44,
Male, Lutheran, White/Caucasian, Straight, teacher, Over 4 Years of
College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 1031200164741
Responses:
It started in 3000 BC in China, according to this web site:
http://www.flirt.com/style/diva/
POSTED 11/8/2001
Doug, Phoenix, AZ, United States, 38, Male, New Age/Metaphysical,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Administrator, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 115200120652
It's hard to tell if you mean women historically or individual
women today. If you mean the latter, I started when I was in middle
school (about 13 years old).
POSTED 11/14/2001
E.D., Kansas City, MO, United States, 45, Female, Black/African
American, Mesg ID 1114200194106
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Question:
I just started seeing a Japanese girl; we both like one another
and get along great. We've started fooling around recently, with
clothes on (rubbing, massaging, etc). But while she lets me rub her
sexually, she does not want me to kiss her, and I had heard from some
other friends (with no substantial proof) that to Japanese girls,
kissing is taboo and something you save for your definite loved one
or husband. Is this true ?
POSTED 10/29/2001
D.R., Vancouver, British Columbia, NA, Canada, 27, Male,
White/Caucasian, Mesg ID 1027200151401
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