Best of the Week
of Nov. 28, 1999
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Nov. 28, 1999, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our
new database using our search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
$9.95
Order the
hilarious and heartwarming book on
Y?
"Why Do
White People
Smell Like Wet Dogs
When They Come
Out Of The Rain?"
ISBN: 0-9675971-0-2
Question:
How do Roman Catholic recovering alcoholics take communion (wine)
without triggering a relapse?
POSTED 11/30/1999
Gerald M. T., Tampa, FL, United States, 66, Male, White/Caucasian,
Attorney, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
11299995859
Responses:
As far as I know, only the priest partakes of the wine and not
the congregation, but I am altogether unfamiliar with the methods of
Catholicism. However, I responded to your post because it made me
recall something very interesting. Back in the 1850s, a Protestant
pastor saw that some of the members of his congregation had this
problem. They were recovering alcoholics, and one sip of wine would
have caused a relapse. He thought that if only he could make wine
that was not fermented, then the problem would be solved. The trouble
was that back then when juice was derived from grapes, there was no
way of keeping it from fermenting. So he put together a contraption
that would process the juice but keep it from fermenting, and so
grape juice was invented. The pastor's last name? Welch.
POSTED 12/2/99
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Student/dishwasher, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 12199125827
It is not necessary to take both the bread (wafer) and the wine,
as the Catholic Church teaches that the body and blood of Christ are
present in both the elements. The wine is optional. According to a
seminarian I know, for alcoholic priests there is a special sort of
wine called mustum (I think that's what it's called...), which is not
actually wine but has the potential to be wine.
POSTED 12/2/99
C.P., Montreal, Quebec, NA, Canada, 21, Female, Mesg ID
113099124030
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I was wondering why so many black men date white girls, and why so
many black men hold white girls to a higher value than black girls.
For example, when I listen to black guys talking about a club, they
seem to always ask if there were white girls there.
POSTED 11/30/99
Patrick W., Jacksonville, FL, United States, 31, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, administration, 2 Years of College , Lower
middle class, Mesg ID 817199993130
Responses:
Your perspective is interesting. The question could also be
phrased, "Why do so many white girls date black men? Do white girls
hate white men?" Sound ridiculous? In any event, as cultural norms
fall by the wayside, people are bound to realize that people are
basically the same.
POSTED 12/1/99
Bob T., Ventura, CA, United States, Male, Christian, Black/African
American, Straight, Law, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
11301999113325
There are a few reasons why I think a lot of black men date white
women: 1) Historically, white women were put on a pedestal. They were
seen as ladies, the ideal woman. A black man could be killed for
dating a white women, so she was seen as 'special' or 'superior.'
Therefore, she became a symbol of social status. Notice how many
black athletes or sucessful black men marry white women. They have
money now, and they need a white woman to validate them in society.
2) Self-hate. Believe it or not, there are black men out there who
say they are with white women in order to have 'pretty children,'
meaning light skin and 'good' (straight or wavy) hair. They hate
something about themselves, and they prove something by being with a
white woman. 3) From what I am told by black men, white women put up
with a lot more sh-- than black women. Black men say they can get
over on white women, and black women are too strong, etc.
POSTED 12/1/99
Mary, Columbus, OH, United States, 19, Female, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, college student, 2 Years of College
, Lower class, Mesg ID 113099112532
This question pops up on a regular basis, but rest assured, in
general, black men do like/love black women. We marry them, love
them, have kids by them - and most of our mothers are black. I think
it is just the forbidden fruit theory, and that some of the white
women who will date a black man will move a little faster than
average, with a lot of lust involved. Rap music is bringing more
whites (especially white women) into the black culture, and getting
them together with other blacks. I can tell you that I will date
whoever attracts me, and I love good-looking women. I don't like the
women wearing all the fake hair, and especially the fake nails. That
is just too much. Yet, on the whole, 80 percent of the women I have
dated have been black, 15 percent women of color (i.e. Latino, Asian,
Indian) and 5 percent white. It could be just 'Jungle Fever,' and
once the fever is over, people will tend to go back to those closest
to what they grew up with.
POSTED 12/1/99
Tony, Cincinnati, OH, United States, <more_stuff@zoomtown.com>,
44, Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, Manufacturing,
Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 11309911932
I can tell you why I seek an interracial relationship (to all the
black females who are reaching for their verbal rapiers to skewer me,
I'd remind you that the following is my own opinion and can change at
any time): From my own experience, I have come to believe that I am
not the ideal mate for black women. My features are not that of
Denzel Washington, Babyface, et al. As a college student, I barely
have enough to stay in my studio apartment, much less buy an
expensive car (I cannot drive, so that's a non-issue in any case),
jewelry or the latest trends in clothing. The standards set in the
media, which many black females seem to eat up instantly, are too
high for me to touch. Character doesn't seem to register (even though
I am far from a saint, I admit). What I am ultimately trying to say
is that nice guys appear to finish last when it comes to hooking up
with a black female. They appear to want either a roughneck gangster,
an R&B uberlover or the next NBA or NFL superstar. All I ask in a
lady is acceptance of who I am and who I can become. Unfortunately,
in my opinion, BET and many urban radio stations have poisoned the
minds of African-American women by presenting so much eye candy that
they dismiss a regular, plain-looking college student who seeks a
regular career.
POSTED 12/2/99
Vincent B., Chicago, IL, United States, <flame73@iols.net>, 26,
Male, Black/African American, Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 1219920611
I think, first of all, it may have something to do with geography.
In some parts of this country (and the world, for that matter) no one
really gives it that much thought. Interracial dating, while still
something of an oddity (as compared to the rest of the dating
population) is not seen as an earth-shaking development and is just a
casual, matter-of-fact thing. In Jacksonville, however, it may still
have a stigma attached to it, and that makes it an
out-of-the-ordinary, eye-catching thing. Because of the climate of
the area, you might be more attuned to it and notice it more than,
say the number of white men who date Asian or Hispanic women, the
numbers of which may be just as great. Secondly, the media may have a
lot to do with the desire of some men and women to date
interracially, particularly in the case of black-white relationships.
Through television commercials, beauty pageants and even kids toys
(don�t forget Barbie), the idea that white American women are the
end-all and be-all of beauty is perpetrated daily, even hourly. On
television commercials for beauty products, white women are
glorified; in almost every television program the female lead is
usually young and white. Only now are African American, Asian or
Hispanic women being featured in those outlets, and even then their
numbers are few. And when you are bombarded with images that tell you
that 'white is beautiful' and all else pales in comparison, it
naturally becomes desireable. Your last statement is very telling:
The guys you overheard didn�t ask if there were any 'beautiful' white
women at the club, just if there were white women. If doesn�t matter
what they look like. They, according to the media, are the
pinnacle.
POSTED 12/2/99
Kenny G., Chicago, IL, United States, <KennyG9@yahoo.com>, 35,
Male, Catholic, Black/African American, Straight, marketing, 4 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 11309961221
There are many reasons black men date white women. Some are the
same as why they date black women. They meet, they like each other,
they fall in love and so on. Do you ask white women who date black
men if they hate white men? I know black men who date white women,
but most of the black men I know date and marry black women.
POSTED 12/2/99
Elisa S., Los Angeles, CA, United States, <reswain1@msn.com>,
31, Female, Christian, Black/African American, Straight, Credentials
Analyst, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 12299121519
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I teach a public speaking class at a large university. I have seven
Asian students from various countries. They are shy about speaking
out in class, and I know they are not accustomed to the open
interaction I encourage in the classroom. What can I do to make them
more comfortable and to encourage them to participate?
POSTED 6/18/99
Rhiannon, Minneapolis, MN, United States,
<rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, 28, Female, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Grad student and university instructor, Mesg ID 6179950632
Responses:
I teach cyberlaw and computer ethics at Florida State University
in the Computer Science Department. As you can imagine, we have a lot
of Asian students, mainly from China. My classes are discussion
classes and heavily Socratic due to the subject matter, and I have
noticed this tendency toward shyness in class, particularly among the
Chinese. I found that although some of the reluctance is due to the
language barrier, most of it is cultural. I spoke with some of the
Chinese students about this, and they were quite expressive on an
individual basis. Many told me they were very uncomfortable talking
in class and particularly uncomfortable about expressing an opinion,
or even worse, questioning or disagreeing with the instructor. This
is a problem, because disagreeing with the instructor is a required
element in my courses! It seems this is not done in China. The
instructor speaks, the students copy down his words verbatim, and
that's it. I don't have any easy answers, but meeting with the
international students individually and explaining the U.S. style of
education might help. I did succeed in getting a few to open up, but
many were still reluctant.
POSTED 11/30/99
H. Brown, Tallahassee, FL, United States,
<hugbrown@cs.fsu.edu>, 31, Male, Agnostic Methodist Taoist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Attorney/grad student, Over 4 Years of
College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 81899114217
I am Asian and was in a public-speaking class in high school
(Toastmasters). We had Asian nationals from places like Thailand in
the class - they were all shy, too. To me, the No. 1 reason they were
shy was that certain students were making fun of them (i.e. their
accents). If you want to help them, tell the ridiculing students to
behave.
POSTED 12/2/1999
David L., Chicago, IL, United States, 26, Male, Campbellian, Asian,
Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class,Mesg ID
6229935628
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
To people in wheelchairs: Is it appropriate for someone to ask if you
need assistance? Is it patronizing for someone to ask you, "May I get
the door for you?" I recognize that the answer will probably depend
on the individual and the circumstance, but I'm hoping for some
guidelines.
POSTED 1/13/99
Kim S., Tempe, AZ, United States, Mesg ID 1139914700
Responses:
God, I wish more people would ask if asking is OK. I do a lot of
teaching - children, adults, businesses, etc. about disabilities and
appropriate and acceptable behavior. I don't mind when people ask, as
long as they accept my answer ("Can I get the door for you?" "No,
Thanks. Got it."). But when my choice is taken away, that's when you
don't want to mess with me... Picture this: I am small and use a
wheelchair, and drive a very big van. People see me. They see
me get out of the van, yet they ask if they can help me. Sometimes I
want to say "Yeah, you can change my oil." Get the picture?
POSTED 11/30/99
Maria J. C., Bridgewater, NJ, United States, 31, Female,
White/Caucasian, Straight, use wheelchair, High School Diploma ,
Middle class, Mesg ID 817199923625
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Here in Cincinnati, a black man who served 25 years for being part of
a convenience story robbery at which a white police officer and black
civil rights worker were killed has become a lawyer. The man, who was
not the shooter, was imprisoned at 16, served his time, got his life
together, got his degree, took the bar and passed it. Now, the
police, judges and district attorney want to ban him from the
courtroom, and it has become a racial issue. Most people against him
are white, and most for him are black. What is your opinion? Should
he be able to become a lawyer, and be allowed to practice?
POSTED 11/29/99
Tony, Cincinnati, OH, United States,
<the_green_hornet@zoomtown.com>, 45, Male, Baptist,
Black/African American, Straight, manufacturing, Over 4 Years of
College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID 11279913247
Responses:
Quite apart from the racial issues, most states don't allow
people with felony convictions to be licensed as attorneys. Because
most states view attorneys as part of the justice system, they don't
trust ex-cons to be part of it. But if the rules in Ohio allow it, it
seems wrong to change the rules just to keep him out.
POSTED 11/30/1999
Andrew, Huntington, NY, United States, <ziptron@start.com.au>,
35, Male, White/Caucasian, Reporter, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 11299982029
Hopefully this decision will be made on other than racial grounds.
The real issue before the admissions committee is whether this
individual is qualified to be admitted to the practice of law.
Because I do not know whether he is qualified, I cannot render an
opinion as to whether he should be admitted. A lawyer is responsible
for many client interests. He is responsible for client funds,
property and liberty, among other things. He or she also has a duty
to the courts and others to act with candor and honesty. To be
admitted to the practice of law, the individual in question must
prove rehabilitation to the admissions committee. Rehabilitation
means he can be trusted with the responsibilities described above. In
Florida we have had a convicted armed robber admitted to the bar
despite the objections of the police and prosecutors. This shows that
it can be done. But the applicant must focus on his rehabilitation,
not on racial issues.
POSTED 11/30/1999
PappaJerry, Tampa, FL, United States, <gmt@gte.net>, 66, Male,
Attorney, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
112999121902
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
What is Judy Garland's appeal among some gay men? Is this just
another Hollywood myth, or is there some truth to it?
POSTED 11/29/99
A.S.B., Seattle, WA, United States, 31, Female, Straight, 4 Years of
College, Mesg ID 11131999101404
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I enjoy eating out often with other senior citizens, but somehow the
young waitress usually talks "baby talk" to us when describing the
specials. We can hear fine, but they shout as well. How come?
POSTED 1/11/99
Patrick, N/A, NA, United States, 73, Male, Mesg ID 1119954610
Responses:
I used to speak to my own grandparents in a 'younger' voice. When
I was a child and got to talk to Grandma and Grandpa on the phone, I
remember I would talk less like myself and more like a younger kid. I
don't know why for sure, but maybe it's because our grandparents
don't really see us as grown-up, so we tried not to sound like it.
Maybe your waitresses talk like that because it triggers in their
minds that they're talking to a grandparent, which makes them feel
like they should sound younger. Now that my grandparents talk to me
like an adult, I talk to them like an adult. My point is, I don't
think they speak to you that way to be condescending or
disrespectful. They probably don't even realize they're doing it.
POSTED 11/29/99
Jen I., Eielson, AK, United States, 27, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Military, High School Diploma , Middle
class, Mesg ID 11279934229
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
This may sound like a stupid question, but why do women sometimes
laugh or giggle when they see a guy's private parts? Does it look
funny or goofy to them? One woman even told me she thinks it is
funny-looking. Why?
POSTED 11/29/99
Eric, Minneapolis, MN, United States, Male, Jewish, White/Caucasian,
Straight, student, High School Diploma,Mesg ID 11289961148
Responses:
I think there are a variety of reasons women sometimes laugh when
they see a man's genitals. One may be the ludicrous appearance of a
man's penis/testicles; if you think about it, the whole package is
less than esthetically pleasing. It certainly isn't as neat and clean
as a woman's vulva. Another reason might be nervousness on her part,
or sheer unfamiliarity with a man's organs.
POSTED 11/30/1999
Steve M., Boston, MA, United States, 35, Male, Muslim, Black/African
American, Straight, Systems manager, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID
11299923704
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
Why do some Christians believe speaking in tongues is necessary for
worship? Do Christians who speak in tongues believe that those who
don't are not really saved?
POSTED 11/29/99
Jen I., Eielson, AK, United States, 27, Female, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Military, High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 11279922810
Responses:
Some congregations adhere to the 'tongues equals salvation'
doctrine, but the majority of Pentecostal and Charismatic
congregations are aware that tongues aren't necessary for salvation.
When people say that things other than or in addition to Jesus Christ
are necessary for salvation, I always point to the thief on the
cross. As for it being necessary for worship, well, when it comes to
worship, it is what's in the heart that counts. Tongues are a
spiritual gift. To the individual, it is direct communication with
God. To the congregation, when accompanied by interpretation, it is
God directly speaking.
POSTED 11/30/1999
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, student/dishwasher, Lower middle class,
Mesg ID 11299992810
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
I can't get a straight answer from my parents about what race I am
exactly. My mom is multiracial, but she is racist and very hard to
talk to on the matter. Does having light skin make one white? I do
not look dark enough to be considered by my other backgrounds, but
just calling myself white would be denying all my other backgrounds.
I realize we are all human and don't need to be classified, but this
is just to satisfy my curiosity.
POSTED 11/29/99
Zero, Vancouver, NA, Canada, 16, Mesg ID 112699105010
Responses:
Don't go by what others think you are, and don't go by the color
of your skin. I am multiracial as well - Irish/Puerto Rican - and
while I don't look like the stereotype of what it means to be either
Irish or Puerto Rican, that's what I tell people. Be proud of what
you are. If someone tells you that you can't be a certain ethnicity
because you fail to look like the stereotype, ignore them. You know
what you are, and that is all that matters.
POSTED 11/30/1999
Mekki, Virginia Beach, VA, United States, 22, Female, Catholic,
Irish/Puerto Rican, freelance writer, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID
11299993839
It is interesting that you now find yourself 'choosing an
ethnicity.' If your parents did not find one for you since birth, no
wonder you're confused! I believe you have to ask yourself several
questions: How do my parents identify me? How do my friends and
people I interact with identify me? How do I identify myself? If you
can believe you are more comfortable with one ethnicity (without
denying your other heritages) than the others, accept that as your
identity. Stay away from prejudicial remarks; accept only cultural
facts, do some research, and if you find more answers pointing toward
one culture, that might be yours. This society unfortunately bases
many things on color, but your identity should be based on what you
believe and understand to be you.
POSTED 12/2/1999
Sundiata, Washington, DC, United States, <sstreet@haleybp.com>,
Male, Baptist, Black/African American, Straight, security
specialist/contractor, 2 Years of College, Mesg ID 1219932540
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
To men and women: How important is virginity to you, and who and what
made you think this way?
POSTED 11/23/1999
Whitney L., Sydney, NA, Australia, Mesg ID 11191999114949
Responses:
Losing your virginity is like buying your first new car: It must
be perfect. It opens the door to sex, which everyone loves to have.
The first time is always the best feeling, and we all know feelings
are gifts from God.
POSTED 11/29/99
Rebecca R., San Diego, CA, United States, <Beck8036@aol.com>,
19, Female, Catholic, Hispanic/Latino, Straight, student, High School
Diploma , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 112499113745
To me, virginity before marriage is very important. I regret
having engaged in sexual behavior before marriage. My husband was in
his late twenties when we were married, and he was also a virgin.
This meant so much to me that he waited for me. (Yes, it was his
choice). I never have to wonder if he has venereal diseases, or if he
thinks about other women he has been to bed with. I consider his
premarital virginity a very flattering gift. I only wish I would have
done the same for him.
POSTED 11/29/99
Michell, Dayton, OH, United States, 32, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
11249952111
My parents taught me that females saved themselves for their
husbands. But when I was young, I was curious, my hormones were
boiling and I just couldn't wait. The only important thing seemed to
be my selection - the lucky male had to appeal to me, and he did,
plus more. He seemed to have valued my virginity more than I did
because he hesitated and questioned my certainty. Our short affair
ended abruptly on my part because of betrayal on his part. At that
point, I deeply regretted giving my virginity to him. Over the years,
he approached me several times, with no success. My fortune teller
told me that what he and I had was special, and that one day I was
going to realize it and see that both of us had had a
misunderstanding. At the time, I said, 'No way in Hell!' Sure enough,
he had been successful on one occasion in voicing his point of view
to me. But at that time, it did not really faze me because years had
passed and he had a child with someone else. I couldn't understand
why he still cared. Now, years later, I finally understand that he
loved me and I had hurt him by standing him up one night, and blowing
him off the next day. He felt I no longer liked him - but I was 12
and having fun with my friends. All of this is to say I realize now
how important my virginity was to him and that he had meant it when
he said I was his forever and that no one would ever take that away
from him. There's so much more to this story that it feels like some
forces of nature have had a hand in this one. He has given me a
change of heart and I am now glad he was the chosen one. Though we
live separate lives, when we see each other, we share that special
bond in our stare. If we get too close to each other, sparks begin to
fly, and one of us must quietly leave the room before anyone gets
hit. I wonder what made him value my virginity so much?
POSTED 11/29/99
S. Linsun, Hilo, HI, United States, 34, Female, Asian, Straight,
student, 2 Years of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID
11249910550
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Question:
It is well-talked about here in my country that American society is
full of psychopaths and nut cases. Here we have killers, of course,
but they are muggers, thieves, narcs and crooks, but there are no
psycho-killers, serial killers or any other homicidal Clark Kents or
Ward Cleavers. I have my theories, which are based on the aggressive
"Don't talk to strangers," "Mind your own business "and Get offa my
property" attitudes of American society, but I'm not a sociologist. I
would like to read the opinion of experts on this subject.
POSTED 8/2/99
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 30, Male, Catholic, White/Latino,
Lawyer/Business, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
82199915345
Responses:
Our psychopaths are also muggers, thieves, narcs and crooks. They
also pop up in everyday life in otherwise 'normal' roles here, as I'm
sure they do in your country. Psychopathic illnesses occur without
regard to nationality. However, we have a media culture that is often
centered on providing us with the worst news possible (to get better
ratings). If something terrible happens, we hear about it for weeks.
And because our media is often broadcast to the rest of the world,
you probably hear about it, too. I offer several examples that
psychopathic tendencies are not an inherently American affliction:
Adolf Hitler, Joesph Stalin and Saddam Hussein.
POSTED 11/29/99
Benjamin C., Anniston, AL, United States, 23, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Engineering, 2 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 112799103719
To
respond
BACK TO TOP
Copyright
and disclaimer