Best of the Week
of Dec. 9, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Dec. 9, 2001, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as
well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will
find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
Is it difficult for people with disabilities to have
relationships?
POSTED 12/11/2001
Janine, Melbourne, CT, Australia, Female, Mesg ID
1210200113759
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Question:
I've noticed that on many talk shows where they present real
people, not actors, that many of the black Americans gesticulate
frequently, move their heads in a strange pattern and use the phrase
'know what I'm sayin." I would like to know how, and why they do it -
from whom they learned it, and if it's habit or just a manner of
expression.
POSTED 12/11/2001
E'd, Esbjerg, NA, Denmark, 19, Female, Pagan, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
12112001124629
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Question:
What's it like to grow up rich? Did you ever feel guilty or
ashamed about your position in life? Did you ever fantasize about
being from the wrong side of the tracks, so to speak? Was there a lot
of pressure to be a 'model child'? Did you rebel from your parents
and surroundings? Don't worry about these specific questions; I
appreciate whichever manner you would share your story.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
617200051815
Responses:
I didn't grow up 'rich' but more upper middle class, and it's
something I didn't realize until I was in high school. My sister and
I weren't spoiled, but were coddled a lot. We grew up in a
middle/upper middle class neighborhood, and didn't get exposed to
kids of lower economic status until middle school. I didn't know what
one of my friends meant when he said something about 'When the
collectors call.' I had no idea what a collector was or why they'd
call. I grew up not knowing what a family budget was. I never heard
the phrase, 'We can't afford it;' rather, 'That's too expensive.' My
parents were and still are somewhat frugal, but we've never not been
able to afford something we really needed. And there was pressure
only to be good and do my best, not to be a model child. Our family
is a rags-to-riches immigrant story (dating back to the 1940s), so
that may have something to do with it.
POSTED 12/13/2001
Sarah C., San Francisco area, CA, United States, 24, Female,
Asian, 4 Years of College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 1211200133543
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Question:
I have heard several times that sharks in the Atlantic Ocean
still follow the trade routes of slave ships, due to the fact that
they would throw overboard the many who died en route. Is this true?
Is there a source that can be quoted?
POSTED 12/9/2001
Scott, Hardaway, MI, United States, 27, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Pastor, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 127200160518
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Question:
I have read that most Muslims in the world deplore the actions
of the radical fundamentalists and that they are actually peaceful
people. In mainstream Muslim societies and families, are females
considered the equal of males in all respects? Does the religion
consider women and girls as somehow inferior or less important than
boys and men? Is it expected that females would be afforded as much
education and opportunities as males?
POSTED 11/2/2001
Fred H., Avon, MA, United States, 72, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, retired, High School Diploma, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1112001100311
Responses:
In most religions of the world, women are deemed inferior.
However, Christianity does not look down on women. Jesus spoke with
the women, which surprised the disciples. The teaching for women to
submit to men comes right after the verse in Ephesians that we are to
submit to one another. A man is to love his wife as his own body,
caring and nurturing it. Christianity has a higher view of women than
most other world views.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, 48, Male, Over 4 Years
of College, Mesg ID 11162001120047
A few years ago, I met some Muslim girls who were in their last
year of high school. This was in Winnipeg. We started talking a
little bit about why they chose to wear the hijab (head scarf), and
they asked me to remember what I thought about most when I was in
school. (I said, guys and being pretty and probably drinking.) They
said that for them, wearing the hijab, along with not drinking, being
alone with men, etc., had freed them to study. All three of them were
planning on medical school, and their grades were a lot higher than
mine. They told me they expected to be equal partners to their future
husbands, and, unlike lots of Western girls, they seemed
straightforward and unambivalent about this. This is all to say that
those particular Western Muslim girls (born in Canada) certainly had
high standards for themselves.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Susie, Winnipeg, NA, Canada, 34, Female, journalist, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1272001104607
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Question:
Shopping for Christmas gifts for an 8-year-old I could not help
noticing the sudden and sharp differentiation between girls' and
boys' toys starting at about this age group. I find it pathetic. All
girls' toys are ridiculously wrapped in pinkish stuff and center on
mothering or dressing (dolls and accessories), or crafts of the
pretty and cute kind ('Jewels and gifts for your friends!'). Then,
turning around the corner, you seem to enter a different world of
brown, black, silver and plastic: boys' corner! Here you get to
build/buy monsters, dinos, spaceships and machines galore, or fiddle
about with computers and game stations. Also, the challenging types
of games are in the boys' corner as well: inventions, experiments,
programming. I've been in so many department stores and shopping
centers and these impressions are uniform - and uniformly depressing.
I know from several children that this differentiation does not at
all conform to their interests. Girls love to experiment, invent,
construct as well - and yet from a certain age they get discouraged
from it because the outfit clearly is boyish and aims at boys only.
My daughter's school-friends all mope secretly for a Gameboy, yet
they would not be seen dead with one at the same time. No matter how
cute that Pikachu is, a Gameboy is a GameBOY. And why do boys in turn
get discouraged from caring (like they do naturally for their
teddybears) and encouraged instead to play games of endless and often
mindless destruction/construction/destruction? I used to think we
were beyond such ridiculous gender attributions in society, yet when
I enter toy stores here they all are again. How are we to raise these
children as mature, complex, multifaceted individuals when the role
models we offer for their games are so ridiculously confined? I
cannot believe this is all because of the industry banking on that
which sells best. I am sure more differentiated toys and games would
sell as well. Any thoughts?
POSTED 12/5/2001
T., Munich, NA, Germany, 32, Female, Over 4 Years of College,
Upper middle class, Mesg ID 1252001121531
Responses:
Why would your daughter and her friends not want to be seen with
a Gameboy? I always thought that there were games available for
girls. I am sure that they existed 10 to 12 years ago, when Gameboy
first came out. Anyway, I think there should be a gender separation
in toys. Girls should learn how to be ladies while boys learn how to
be gentlemen. There should be a strict hierarchy and distinct
separation between the two, as our chromosomes are different. If
girls want to play with boys' toys, then they have serious problems,
and should be fixed by sending them to a good protocol school.
Ideally, I'd like to see young women wearing gloves in public and
actually appreciating it when men are holding doors for them, etc.
POSTED 12/9/2001
C.C., Somewhere in Canada, NA, Canada, 22, Student, 4 Years of
College, Upper middle class, Mesg ID 126200173312
This is a great, but sad, observation. I think it is up to parents
to overcome this. A few years ago my six-year-old son desparately
wanted an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas. These are clearly marketed to
girls. He is your basic 'frog in pocket' boy, but he is very
interested in food in any form, and this was a way he could
participate in making some. I have to be honest, I was against buying
it for him because mainly I didn't want him teased if his friends
found out. However, my wife insisted. So we bought it and he is very
happy with it and once a month it gets dusted off and he makes some
God-awful-looking brownie or something on it. The up side is that now
he is eight and has graduated to being able to make waffles for
breakfast in our real kitchen on his own. So occasionally I get to
wake up on a Saturday with breakfast already made.
POSTED 12/11/2001
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 45, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Slug, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class, Mesg ID
12102001103832
I have tried to persuade my five-year-old daughter to look at
boys' toys, but she's simply not interested; all she wants is toys in
the line of Barbie and Tinkerbell.
POSTED 12/11/2001
Graeme, Johannesburg, NA, South Africa, Mesg ID 1211200122304
I know just what you mean about getting depressed when looking at
all the pink vs. blue in stores. As a child, I would have loved some
Legos but was told they were 'boys'' toys. In my opinion (as a
sociology student), the reason behind all these gender-specific toys
is that these children are being socialized to accept the positions
they are expected to fulfill in later life. When I say 'gender'
instead of 'sex,' it is intentional. There is nothing inherently
biological in the choices children make regarding toy preferences.
It's all a social construction that tries to dictate what people
should act like, and this gets indoctrinated into the children at an
early age. Girls get baby dolls while boys get trucks, and that sort
of thing. There's actually been research that says in some stores
(such as Walmart) the female toys are actually placed closer to the
housewares section of the store. There's nothing wrong with children
playing with toys that are 'supposed' to be for the opposite sex. If
a little boy gets a toy airplane and gets to run around yelling with
it, wouldn't a young girl also love to get out her energy by running
around, too? It really has nothing to do with sex, but it's gender (a
social construction) that determines the shame that is placed on
children who want to play with toys geared toward the opposite
gender.
POSTED 12/11/2001
Deborah, Starkville, MS, United States,
<sirrah_h@hotmail.com>, 23, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, Over 4 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg
ID 1211200181914
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Question:
At my job we have a person who is in the process of undergoing
a sex change from man to woman. How should I identify and address
this person, as a man or a woman? (i.e. ex-him, her, Mr., Ms.)
POSTED 2/22/1999
George, Tampa, FL, United States, Male, Mesg ID 2229980640
Responses:
The most polite way to address the person in transition is by the
gender in which they present themselves, i.e. a male becoming a woman
would be addressed with feminine pronouns, and a female becoming a
male would be addressed with masculine pronouns - unless of course
they direct differently.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Jennifer D., Lindenwold, NJ, United States,
<JennD1249@prodigy.net>, 49, Female, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Bisexual, Sales, High School Diploma, Mesg ID 1011199985710
As a woman! It is really not a question of sexual orientation -
she may like girls or boys - but of gender identity - she sees
herself as a woman deeply enough to go through this very hard
process. Saying 'she' (and 'Ms.' is always safe) is, even if hard at
first, a real kindness and, also very appropriate.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Jessica, Seattle, WA, United States, Mesg ID 10281999124122
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Question:
Has anyone ever cut themself before? And why? I have, because
my mum accused me of stealing money from her.
POSTED 11/27/2001
Lou, From a place that I'm not tellin', NA, United Kingdom, 13,
Female, White/Caucasian, Straight, Less than High School Diploma,
Mesg ID 1124200135258
Responses:
When I was about 18, I used to cut myself on the insides of my
arms all the time. I don't even remember why I did it; I just
remember feeling really sad and anxious and angry all the time. I
would think sometimes about hitch-hiking really far out of town and
then just dying there. I had a tough couple of years, but eventually
it ended. All the bad feelings gradually start draining away, and
then I had some successes (I got some recognition at university, met
some good people) and things just started improving. I can tell you
this: being a teenager is tough. You live a restricted, cramped life
with rules you didn't choose or even agree to. Later, things get way
better. You get some money, don't have to live somewhere you hate
and, if you're lucky, find work you love. Everything is going to get
better: hang in there.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Susie, Winnipeg, NA, Canada, 34, Female, journalist, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1272001103312
I think you'll find many more people cut themselves than let on.
I've done it on and off for about 10 years, although it gets better
with time. I was your age when I started. Reasons? Many - small and
huge. When someone hurts you, sometimes hurting yourself is
acknowledging that you're as bad and useless as they say you are.
You're confirming it to yourself, and that's not a good thing.
I used to visualize my pain in that blood, and letting it out also
let out the pain. Make any sense? Take care, though - and try to talk
to someone in real time.
POSTED 12/11/2001
Scarlet, South-West, NA, France, 23, Female, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Teacher, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1211200190721
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