Best of the Week
of Dec. 30, 2001
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Dec. 30, 2001, as
selected by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the
Week" entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing
Y?'s database using the search form, or, in
the case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the database as
well). In the Original Archives, as well as in the database, you will
find questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at Y?'s
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
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Question:
Why is it that people are nearly always assumed to be straight
unless they fit the obvious stereotypes of gay/lesbian? For example,
instead of asking a female, 'Do you have a boyfriend?', why can't the
question be, 'Do you have a partner?' or if a female says, 'My
partner...', do people have to start saying, 'he', when they don't
know for sure? I know people don't intend to be offensive, but a bit
of extra consideration would be nice. It gets frustrating having to
keep correcting people's assumptions, and you don't know whether the
other person is going to react in a homophobic way when you make the
correction.
POSTED 1/1/2002
Paulette, Sydney, NA, Australia, 25, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Lesbian, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
11200211207
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Question:
Are guys interested in girls who are always talking, or in shy
girls who don't talk very much?
POSTED 1/1/2002
Alicia, Chicago, IL, United States, 19, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
1230200145016
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Question:
Is it unusual for a couple in their 60s to enjoy sex as much as
my wife and I do? We are a very close couple, and we like each other
as much as we love each other. We love sex with each other, a little
bi, and sometimes a little swinging.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Don B., Glendale, AZ, United States, 60, Male, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Production type work, High School Diploma,
Lower middle class, Mesg ID 1229200195733
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Question:
Why is it that when interracial couples (black men/white women)
are out and about and see a very attractive black woman, they stare
at her (as if they want to be acknowledged or seen) or dramatically
grab, hug, or kiss each other? If you're dating for true love, why
put on the act? I've noticed this a lot lately, as my friends and I
are very attractive black women. I don't think white women really
understand something: We don't want the man you're with. We are
attracted to black men who are attracted to black women - get it?
POSTED 12/30/2001
Nikki T., Washington, DC, United States, 31, Female,
Black/African American, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg
ID 1228200180148
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Question:
Are Jewish men attracted to non-Jewish women? I have always
wanted to have friends of different backgrounds, races and
religions
POSTED 12/30/2001
Daisy, Panhandle Area, FL, United States, 28, Female,
Black/African American, Straight, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 1226200185437
Responses:
I find myself attracted to the person first and then discover
their religion. My first girlfriend was Christian, and since then a
little less than half the girls I've dated have been Jewish. I have
never dated an African-American girl, more due to lack of opportunity
(there have been none I've felt very close to) than any aversion.
POSTED 1/1/2002
Alex, Beloit, WI, United States, 18, Male, Jewish,
White/Caucasian, Bisexual, Student, High School Diploma, Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 1230200141245
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Question:
A while back I ran into this guy who was down on his luck and
temporarily homeless. After we went to a pool hall and shot a few
games, my treat, I led him to a campsite with shade trees and a
stream. After that I saw him around here and there, and we would talk
and whatnot. Then I didn't see him around for about three months.
When I did run into him, he did not remember me at all. It took me
several minutes to try to jog his memory, and even then he could
muster only a vague recollection. He was a heavy pot smoker and did
speed and a few other drugs, just like many others around here. I
have experienced this with other individuals as well. So, to people
who have done heavy drugs: What is it like to experience such mental
deficiencies as a result of drug use, and how do you cope?
POSTED 12/9/2001
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
617200051127
Responses:
As someone who recently pulled himself from the brink of chronic
alcoholism, I can only give you an approximation of what it must be
like to be a full-time, full-fledged burnout. Getting drunk or high
is a time-consuming process. It's not just the two or three hours
downing a couple ludes with a bottle of popov, it's that AND the nine
hours of inebriation followed by 10 hours in bed. You do this on a
daily basis and you have zero hours of clarity. Imagine that getting
your laundry done was such an organizational ordeal that when you
finally do it (in the most slipshod of fashions) it's actually a
great source of pride. You get your laundry home and decide to get
good and roasted before putting it away. It doesn't get done that
night or the next. Two weeks later you pull your last wrinkled
garment out of the bag on the floor and find yourself reflecting on
how fast your work's been undone. Cleaning your clothes seems as
futile as anything else in your life, so you go three weeks past
laundry day wearing either smelly clothes or clothes you've washed in
the sink with dish liquid. This is your life: just barely managing to
keep it together enough to keep your job. You see other people,
clean-shaven, making it to work on time, and you hate them. You
figure they grew up privileged with a better body and mind than you.
It never occurs to you that what is present in your life and absent
in theirs is the constant fog of inebriation. When you evaluate
yourself in rare moments of clarity, the drugs and alcohol are as
invisible to you as the nose on your face. For what little bit you
are aware of your dependence, you flatly reject the idea of living
without it. You blur the ordinarily very clear line separating
moderate drinking and using booze to choke back suicide. Your mind is
active, but undelineated, floating around in a stew and inaccessible.
The only continuity in your life is getting wasted. That's when you
shine brightest. The guy you met that night was only with you
subliminally, his cognitive mind buried under 10 layers of fat trying
desperately to remember how normal people have fun together - trying
to think of an amusing story to share that doesn't center on crack.
When you saw him later, he genuinely didn't remember at first, but
when he did remember, he wanted you to go away. You treated him like
a human being, and that's better than he'll do for himself. It's a
shame beyond words or tears.
POSTED 12/30/2001
J. Fleming, Chicago, IL, United States, 35, Male, Atheist,
White/Caucasian, 2 Years of College, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
1228200143948
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Question:
I've noticed that on many talk shows where they present real
people, not actors, that many of the black Americans gesticulate
frequently, move their heads in a strange pattern and use the phrase
'know what I'm sayin." I would like to know how, and why they do it -
from whom they learned it, and if it's habit or just a manner of
expression.
POSTED 12/11/2001
E'd, Esbjerg, NA, Denmark, 19, Female, Pagan, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, High School Diploma, Middle class, Mesg ID
12112001124629
Responses:
The pattern of movements and speech you've described are part of
a subculture of blacks who use more colorful slang than their
(typically older and better-educated) black counterparts. It's used
for self-expression and out of habit, depending on the person. You'll
see a lot of this on talk shows because talk show audiences are not
typically populated by well-educated people, but by high school
students skipping school for the day or other young, sometimes
lower/working-class people. The people on stage are generally from
the same socio-economic class. 'Know what I'm sayin'' is definitely
in vogue among the youth/hip-hop set in general - turn on the Korean
or Chinese Top 20 videos and you'll hear it coming out of the mouths
of Asians, turn on MTV and God only knows who you'll hear it from.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Sera, Seattle, WA, United States, 27, Female, Agnostic, Straight,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1213200152611
I find it annoying when they say, 'You know what I'm saying?' 20
times in a minute on these shows; in fact, I don't know what they're
saying - to me, they haven't said anything.
POSTED 1/1/2002
Thom, Chardon, OH, United States, Male, White/Caucasian, Mesg ID
1231200161753
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Question:
Islam is the second-largest religion in America, and growing
fast. It accepts all the Jewish prophets and Jesus. Why is it then,
that many Jews and Christians have an aversion to Islam, even though
most Muslims are peaceful?
Original Code RE70. Click here to see responses from the
original archives. Click "to respond" below to reply.
POSTED 2/18/1999
Brad P., Honolulu, HI, United States, Male, Mesg ID
2189990647
Responses:
There are innumerable passages, many of which are quoted in this
forum, from both Bibles and the Koran, instructing the believer to
proseletize, and in the case of Islam, to do so by the sword. Though
plain to me, no one seems to observe the obvious. The issue is not
intolerance toward or by Islam. The problem is religion in general.
History is rife with wholesale slaughter between factions of
Christianity, between Christians and Islam, etc., ad nauseum. Belief
in anything always results in the believers shoving their beliefs
down somebody's throat. The authors of the U.S. Constitution and the
Bill of Rights knew this well, which is why they wrote a wall of
separation between church and state into the foundation of their new
government. Claiming that Islam, Christianity and Judaism are
basically benign is idiotic. The history of these three major
religions is little more than intolerance and slaughter of anywone
who didn't agree with someone's idea of perfection. It's true for
Christians, Jews and Muslims, just as it was true for Stalinists and
Nazis. Religion demands that the believer be incapable of recognizing
truth, even if it bit them. Its foundation is that clerics must
interpret the truth for you, from secretive and mystic runes. This is
particularly offensive in certain southern U.S. states, where they
play with deadly snakes. Give me a break! Get a life! Think for
yourself!
POSTED 12/30/2001
Rick S., Williamsburg, VA, United States,
<mrwizard@erols.com>, 54, Male, Atheist, White/Caucasian,
Straight, musician/artist, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class,
Mesg ID 1228200165847
1) For starters, they are theologically opposed, as Christianity
and Judaism are essentially theologically opposed. Jews are still
waiting for the Messiah. Christians claim Jesus was the Messiah.
Muslims claim Muhammad was God's final prophet. Christians don't
accept this because Jesus said he was the last one. It's true that
Islam does acknowledge Moses and Jesus, but it 'demotes' Jesus to
just another prophet. Hence the rub.
2) There is the problem with a fatwa of condemning someone to death
for blasphemy, whether they are a Muslim or not, such as what
happened to Salman Rushdie. Even Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam),
author of 'Peace Train,' said Rushdie must die.
3) Though it's not 'true Islam,' some quasi-Islamic cults often use
the religion as a racial bully pulpit, such as the cult 'The Nation
of Islam' run by the racist Louis Farrahkan. I've heard a few black
people say things like: 'Don't fall for white man's religion
(Christianity). Become part of the brotherhood, the true black man's
religion: Islam.' This is not true Islam, anymore than the KKK is
true Christianity, but it's still 'out there' creating a false
impression.
4) It's a lot like what mainstream Christians have to endure due to
the small-yet-vocal minority of fundamentalists who give the
impression that Christianity is a loud, divisive, intolerant, warring
religion. The vast majority of Christianity is peaceful, tolerant and
loving, but you wouldn't think so if you only had contact with the
mass media or a fundamentalist. Islam has the same problem with the
militant, extremist Muslims who do hate Christians and Jews and often
use violence as a means. Most of Islam is not like that, but you'd
never know this from the media.
So, even though most of Islam is comprised of devout, peaceful
people, there are some things that have contributed to a negative
stereotype.
POSTED 1/1/2002
Yahmdallah, Castle Rock, CO, United States, Male, Presbyterian,
White/Caucasian, 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 1202000122523
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Question:
What's it like to grow up rich? Did you ever feel guilty or
ashamed about your position in life? Did you ever fantasize about
being from the wrong side of the tracks, so to speak? Was there a lot
of pressure to be a 'model child'? Did you rebel from your parents
and surroundings? Don't worry about these specific questions; I
appreciate whichever manner you would share your story.
POSTED 12/9/2001
Dan, Los Angeles area, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal
Christian, Hispanic/Latino, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
617200051815
Responses:
I am fortunate to have been the daughter of a multi-millionaire.
I had many comforts and privileges, including travel to foreign
countries when I was a child. I grew up in a beautiful home filled
with fine art and antiques. My parents were, in spite of this, quiet,
gentle, generous people who taught me to appreciate my situation. As
a young child, I felt lucky just to have a roof over my head and
enough food to eat. To this day, I consider myself lucky to have
grown up in a rich family in the United States.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Jesse, Ashland, OR, United States, 45, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Upper class, Mesg ID 12112001100537
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Question:
A strange thing came to my notice and I would like people's
comments on it: On doing a bit of research on the atrocities of
Muslim invaders on Hindus, I became interested in their invasions in
other parts of the world. I found that Arabs openly enslaved pagan
blacks and Christian Ethiopians long before the Portugese took
slaves, and they treated them very badly. Europeans were enslaved
extensively by the berber states of North Africa. White Christians
had their ears cut off, nails ripped off, etc. Their Muslim masters
openly called them white Christian dogs and used to say, 'See how I
control my Christian white dogs.' In addition, there were white
female slaves, especially slaves in Turkish harems. These harems even
had black, East Asian and Hindu slaves. Many Armenian and Serb
freedom fighters had their wives enslaved and sold in Turkish markets
after being raped by Ottoman generals, and their children were sold
as slaves, too. Another piece of information: when Britain decided to
ban transatlantic slavery, black tribal chiefs who had grown fat on
the slave trade sent diplomats to London and Paris to oppose the
move. Any comments are welcome.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Anand M., Ahmednagar, NA, India, 30, Male, Hindu, East Indian,
Straight, Educator, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
1228200145425
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Question:
I have heard several times that sharks in the Atlantic Ocean
still follow the trade routes of slave ships, due to the fact that
they would throw overboard the many who died en route. Is this true?
Is there a source that can be quoted?
POSTED 12/9/2001
Scott, Hardaway, MI, United States, 27, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Pastor, Over 4 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 127200160518
Responses:
If sharks were still following old slave trade routes, it would
make you wonder how they have managed to survive 100 million years!
Why would they continue to do this 100 years after the food source
stopped? My guess is that it is either not true or the other way
around; that is, trade routes followed oceanic currents, and sharks
just happen to surf the same currents.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 45, Male, White/Caucasian,
Corporate Shark, Over 4 Years of College, Upper class, Mesg ID
1218200192851
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Question:
I have read many opinions pointing out that traits that
resemble those of African-American women are the idealized standards
of beauty. For example, Angelina Jolie is popular for her very full
lips, and Jennifer Lopez is popular for her round bottom. They both
have traits typical of African (American) women. Is it possible that
African (American) women are the idealized beauty?
POSTED 8/27/2001
Pat, White Plains, NY, United States, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Temp worker, 2 Years of College, Middle
class, Mesg ID 825200192452
Responses:
I come from a country of beauty queens. Venezuela is the country
that has won the most beauty pageants in the world, even though our
population is less than California's. Venezuela is a true melting
pot, where the mix is the majority. So, the beauty queens here have
those black-derived features that you mention, plus the white
features (big bust, skin complexion, facial features, hair) plus the
indigenous features (exotic eyes, hair and sex appeal). Even the
white-skinned blonde girls here have curvy hips and round bottoms.
This is what I believe to be the standard of beauty, a mix of the
most desirable characteristics from these three races.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Nelson A., Caracas, NA, Venezuela, 32, Male, White/Caucasian,
Lawyer/Business, Over 4 Years of College, Mesg ID 8282001102120
Why do you think J.Lo garnered so much attention for having a big
butt when you can step outside your door and find millions of black
women built the same if not better than her? Because it's easier to
take certain black characteristics piecemeal than to admit admiration
for black beauty. But let me digress: is black beauty the standard?
Sure. But when, say, Bo Derek wears cornrows, Pamela Anderson gets
collagen injections in her lips, or some other white female dons
'self-tanning' cream, who do you think still gets the credit? It
would literally kill some people to knock white women off their
pedestals, so it's easier to focus on 'parts' rather than the whole.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Nikki T., Washington, DC, United States, Female, Mesg ID
1226200191113
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Question:
I'm a young white woman. Lately I've noticed that every black
guy I know has either hit on me, asked me out or told me he was
interested. I've dated a couple of them, but I am not currently in a
relationship. I've found that most white guys, however, only see me
as a friend, or not at all. I've been wondering if my weight had
anything to do with this abnormality (I say abnormality because I'm
exposed to far more white males than black ones). I'm not huge, but
I'm not tiny, either. I'm about 185 lbs. on a 5'7" frame. I find that
most white guys seem very preoccupied with weight, whereas most black
guys don't seem to care. Is this true, or is it just me?
POSTED 12/6/2001
Dana, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada,
<danafox1121@hotmail.com>, 20, Female, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Student, Mesg ID 125200154844
Responses:
You're not imagining things. It's a cultural difference (with
exceptions) between black men and white men. The black community is
more accepting - indeed celebratory - of rounded women (remember
'Baby Got Back'?), and there are lower incidences of eating disorders
among black women as well. I know black men who even disdain women
who fit the American definition of 'slim.' I think part of this is
because American black women were not held up as fashionable and
beautiful in the public eye until well into the 1980s. Being ignored
as a target market has its good and bad points, among them not
feeling a relentless pressure to conform to difficult standards. No
women who look like you in '50s girdle ads? '60s diet ads? '70s and
'80s underwear ads? A neglectful kind of freedom, that invisibility.
Black women went about their business normally, and black men
basically said, 'Alright by me.' It's become rather culturally
ingrained. Meanwhile, white men have had 'skinny' shoved in their
faces so long that they're ashamed to deviate from what's expected of
them (supermodels), even if they want to.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Sera, Seattle, WA, United States, 27, Female, Agnostic, Straight,
Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID 1213200142552
Many of my female friends who are African American always told me,
'Nobody likes a bone but a dog!' I never heard that saying from
Caucasians.
POSTED 12/30/2001
Michelle, Las Vegas, NV, United States, 36, Female,
White/Caucasian, Analyst, 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg ID
1226200112837
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