Dare to Ask: Safe, sane coming out strategies

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

I am bisexual. I want to come out completely, as I am sick of pretending to be someone I am not. But I'm leery of coming out to specific people. For example, my father's side of the family is very conservative. My relationship with each of them is fragile enough that I believe if I come out, they will cease to love me.

A.E., bisexual female, Ohio

Replies

If they can't accept you for who you are, you shouldn't waste your time trying to get them to love you.

Norbert, 17, bisexual, Minn.

Please think about this. One thing about being in this type of lifestyle is that you open yourself up to all types of disease and emotional turmoil. There are some long-term effects that aren't really good. Women were not designed to be with other women. I speak from experience. Trust me, it isn't worth it.

T.M., Raleigh, N.C.

If you live where people are not accepting of this, be careful, as there may be safety concerns. However, if you're in a more liberal environment, it is an overwhelming relief to do so. You are not opening yourself up to disease or long-term harm by coming out. You are more likely to suffer more in the long-term by "hiding in the closet" because of constant fear, pressure and shame.

Jason, 29, gay, New York

Most of my gay friends came out only to find that their families already knew or suspected.

Dot, Los Angeles

Expert says

Come out, come out, wherever you are?

You might want to do a little recon work first - and, by all means, make sure you're doing it for you and no one else.

So says Candace Gingrich, senior youth outreach manager for the Human Rights Campaign. "It's good to test the waters first. Maybe before you come out to a parent, talk to a favorite uncle or aunt who's supportive and will be a friendly ear."

Gingrich, a lesbian, knows what it's like to come out, publicly and really publicly. In 1987, she told her own family. Then, in 1994, she clued in pretty much all six inhabitable continents, taking on half-brother Newt Gingrich in the media for his anti-gay views when he became Speaker of the House.

For most people, "Coming out to family still remains one of the more frightening things to do, and it requires patience. We want them to say, 'I love you just as you are' . . . but we often forget parents and family members may need time to get used to it."

Gingrich recommended consulting local gay advocacy groups or the Internet, such as sites like www.hrc.org, for more advice on coming out.

Oh, and timing can be everything.

"Find the right situation to perhaps say 'Mom and Dad, I want to talk to you because I recently realized something about myself, and you are too important for me to not be my true self with you," she said.

"That approach may be more successful than just doing it at Thanksgiving dinner. 'Pass the salt, Mom and Dad, I'm gay' is not the wisest thing to do."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.