DARE TO ASK: If she asks, should a guy give up porn?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

To men: If you had a great sexual relationship, but your partner did not want you looking at porn because it bothered her, would you stop?

T.H., 20, female, S.C.

Replies

Are you crazy?

Carl, 30, Hamden, Conn.

I wouldn't. Men have porn, women have Cosmo.

Ethan, 32, New Orleans

My partner using porn makes me see him differently, as if there is a superficial part of his personality. I don't understand how such a sensitive man can pay himself and me so little respect.

Sharon, 29, United Kingdom

Porn is as important as personal hygiene. You could survive without it, but why would you want to?

Dorato, male, Kansas City, Mo.

I would give it up. But no more "Oooh, Brad Pitt is sooo sexy!" And tear down the Orlando Bloom posters. Fair is fair.

Glenn, 41, Canada

One powerful element is that he can see beautiful women doing anything, anytime, without limit. It's like Scrooge McDuck when he swims in his money.

Jack C., 45, Indianapolis

With a "great sexual relationship," why does your partner need pornos?

Jerry, 60, Marco Island

Men and women have used porn since the first Troglodyte carved a boo-boo doll out of a hunk of wood from the fire pit.

Mike, Grand Rapids, Mich.

He should respect your wishes and "cheat" no more.

Charlie, 34, Knoxville, Tenn.

Those not bitten by the porn bug should flee from it, as an obese person should avoid streets lined with bake shops.

Ronald V., 47, Canada

Expert says

Gentlemen, start your search engines. Or, perhaps don't.

Raunch these days pretty much means cyber-raunch, and lots of men and women keep that dirty little secret, says physician Jennifer P. Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? (Hazelden).

The prurient . . . salient interest here is how often and why someone's doing it, and how much it bugs his mate, she said.

"Those are hours he could be with his wife and kids. On the other hand, if it's just entertainment, it may be a matter of negotiation. But if he is seeing stuff that leads him to make requests of his wife she's not comfortable with, that's a problem. It's not always about morality. Usually it's about the relationship."

Why does Schneider say people gawk to begin with? To generalize: For men, it's to quench visual fantasy needs and add naughty novelty to a routine sex life. For women, it's about intimacy and relationships. That's why men hit the jpg and mpeg sites and women frequent adult chat rooms.

Research shows about 10 percent to 15 percent of people into cyberporn get flat-out compulsive about it. Of those, 30 percent of the men end up cheating with real live people; 70 percent of the women do the same. And that ain't idle chit-chat.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information.