DARE TO ASK: If she asks, should a guy give up porn?
By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union
To men: If you had a great sexual relationship, but your partner did not want
you looking at porn because it bothered her, would you stop?
T.H., 20, female, S.C.
Are you crazy?
Carl, 30, Hamden, Conn.
I wouldn't. Men have porn, women have Cosmo.
Ethan, 32, New Orleans
My partner using porn makes me see him differently, as if there is a
superficial part of his personality. I don't understand how such a sensitive man
can pay himself and me so little respect.
Sharon, 29, United Kingdom
Porn is as important as personal hygiene. You could survive without it, but
why would you want to?
Dorato, male, Kansas City, Mo.
I would give it up. But no more "Oooh, Brad Pitt is sooo sexy!" And tear down
the Orlando Bloom posters. Fair is fair.
Glenn, 41, Canada
One powerful element is that he can see beautiful women doing anything,
anytime, without limit. It's like Scrooge McDuck when he swims in his money.
Jack C., 45, Indianapolis
With a "great sexual relationship," why does your partner need pornos?
Jerry, 60, Marco Island
Men and women have used porn since the first Troglodyte carved a boo-boo doll
out of a hunk of wood from the fire pit.
Mike, Grand Rapids, Mich.
He should respect your wishes and "cheat" no more.
Charlie, 34, Knoxville, Tenn.
Those not bitten by the porn bug should flee from it, as an obese person
should avoid streets lined with bake shops.
Ronald V., 47, Canada
Gentlemen, start your search engines. Or, perhaps don't.
Raunch these days pretty much means cyber-raunch, and lots of men and women
keep that dirty little secret, says physician Jennifer P. Schneider, co-author
of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? (Hazelden).
The prurient . . . salient interest here is how often and why someone's doing
it, and how much it bugs his mate, she said.
"Those are hours he could be with his wife and kids. On the other hand, if
it's just entertainment, it may be a matter of negotiation. But if he is seeing
stuff that leads him to make requests of his wife she's not comfortable with,
that's a problem. It's not always about morality. Usually it's about the
Why does Schneider say people gawk to begin with? To generalize: For men,
it's to quench visual fantasy needs and add naughty novelty to a routine sex
life. For women, it's about intimacy and relationships. That's why men hit the
jpg and mpeg sites and women frequent adult chat rooms.
Research shows about 10 percent to 15 percent of people into cyberporn get
flat-out compulsive about it. Of those, 30 percent of the men end up cheating
with real live people; 70 percent of the women do the same. And that ain't idle
Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee),
moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's
Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to
Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL
32231. Include contact information.