Dare to Ask: How much time should dads spend with their daughters?

By Phillip Milano

Question

I'm curious what women think about their relationship with their fathers while growing up, specifically how much time you needed to see them. Would weekends and a kiss at night have been enough for you?

Nick, 37, Australia

Replies

No! A girl learns what she wants out of a man from her dad. My dad was often on business from before school until evening, and when he did see me, he was tired or stressed. On the flip side, if you do only see a child on the weekends, you can't just be their "friend" ... they need a real father, not a buddy.

Anne, 49, Indianapolis

I still spend time with my dad. As the sole provider, we knew he was busy and stressed, but it did not stop him from spending time with us on weekends. He put us to bed at night, and I can still remember him taking the time to blow-dry my hair just the way I wanted it, or later on as a teenager the conversations we had. ... As a result of the closeness we have, I can talk to or come to my parents with anything.

Serilda, 31, Jacksonville

Dad time is always good. I grew up in a happy, two-parent home but still remember that my dad and I walked to Donutland every Saturday morning, where he would drink coffee with a cherry doughnut and I got chocolate chip. We read the newspaper together. I appreciate my dad and the pressures upon him more each day.

A.C., 24, Iowa City, Iowa

Expert says

Dads and daughters, read this and get bonding:

Quality and quantity of time together are important.

"So much of imprinting of children goes on in day-to-day living," said family therapist Beth Erickson, author of "Longing for Dad: Father Loss and Its Impact." "If Dad's not there when she's disappointed over her first love, that's hard to re-create once the tears have passed."

Girls often blame themselves for an absentee dad.

"Women are socialized that their success arena is in relationships," she said.

As a result, things can get screwy for a girl while dating or during marriage.

"They can carry this 'not good enough' mantle the rest of their lives, unless a psychotherapist helps them correct it," Erickson said. "There's a sense of unworthiness, no matter how many times someone tells you you're loved. ... In extreme cases she'll prove herself unworthy by having affairs."

Girls learn how to relate to men by how they relate to their father. Dads also provide encouragement.

"His job is to be a safe male for her to experiment with her femininity ... to learn she can be admired by a man without it boiling down to sex," Erickson said. "Dad also tells her, for example, if she's climbing a tree, to see how high she can climb."

Dads: If you can't always be there because of a job or other reason, explain why.

"Make sure the kids know it doesn't mean you don't love them. In the meantime, do things like leave Sticky notes that say 'I love you' or 'I'll miss you today.' And try to be there when you are there. Play Scrabble, or sit and talk with them. For girls, it can protect them from blaming themselves."

ADD OR READ MORE COMMENTS

This is your column. You can help it grow! If you like "Dare to Ask," please call or e-mail your favorite newspaper or web site and urge them to start running it. It's syndicated by Universal Press.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.