Dare to Ask: Admit it, kids, you're lonely, techno-loving blobs

By Phillip Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

Many kids my age feel it is impossible to live a comfortable or happy life without a TV set and probably not without a computer. Why?

Alex, 16, male, Elkins Park, Penn.

Replies

I love my computer, but I'd live very happily without it.

Bairn, 15, female, New Zealand

Expert says

Kids watch TV in between gaming? Not realizing that, we took this matter to former pro gamer Chris Lemley, now president of Team Pandemic (hardcore gamers).

Chris broke it down for us:

So, why did you have a rotten childhood?

My parents strongly supported my hobbies. I don't think I could have had it much better. I played every sport imaginable. It's that competitive drive that often leads players into "pro gaming" in the first place; you'll find that almost all of us were athletes in some form throughout our youth.

Can you walk when you're so morbidly obese?

Let's skip the walk and grab a cart instead. I'd be more than happy to take your money on the golf course.

How do you handle your Vitamin D Deficiency Syndrome?

Why go outside when you can get a perfectly good monitor tan? Going outside would lead to seeing the world, and that's something we just don't do. (Note: Team Pandemic has competed in almost a dozen countries and won championships on three continents.)

Is it bad being a loner with no girlfriend?

Oh man, one of our girl gamers has it rough. She does "Guitar Hero" promos and has been on stage with Gene Simmons (Kiss), Slash (Guns N' Roses) and even the ultimate rock star, Bill Gates himself. She gets hundreds of friend requests a week, and you know they're all from gamer guys.

How often do you cry or stomp your headset when your character dies?

I better not see anyone stomp on a headset. Our sponsors wouldn't want us treating their product that way. (Team Pandemic has partnered with a number of Fortune 500 companies to promote their products and services, including Dell, Intel and Plantronics. The latter has been the team's exclusive headset provider since 2006.)

Do you shave and bathe weekly, or monthly?

I'd say our gamers tend to do it monthly, or at least when it's time to go to the bank. They have to cash the checks from all their winnings. (Team Pandemic has collectively earned more than $500,000 since its inception.)

When did you realize you were so violent?

I found online gaming at age 9 - you know, when I was "living on the streets." Seriously though, I fell in love immediately.

Adult diapers, or bedpan?

Depends.

Real or animated porn?

C'mon, have you ever seen Lara Croft? Even Angelina Jolie couldn't do her justice in the movie.

You're really a 13-year-old Korean boy, aren't you?

If I was, I'd be playing Starcraft and making serious dough.

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.