DARE TO ASK: Is fastidious 5-year-old possibly gay?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

My 5-year-old son is very sensitive and fastidious. Last night, he told me he was going to marry his friend, a boy. I will love him the same no matter what, but it does worry me and scares his dad to death. When do boys begin to know something is different about them?

Renee, 35, San Antonio

Replies

I always knew I was "different" but didn't associate this with sexuality until 11 or 12. Others know at a very young age, around 5 to 7. Your boy may know he likes boys, so make sure your husband tries not to scold him for acting "gay," as this could be taken as rejection.

Kevin, 17, Los Angeles

It's more likely he's just developing his personality, and his fastidiousness may be a blessing in disguise. At least you won't have to nag him to keep his room clean.

M.C., 31, male, Omaha, Neb.

I know a lot of very camp straight men! Equally, young tomboy girls who climb trees are not necessarily lesbians in the making.

David, 45, United Kingdom

Experts say

This boy needs a stronger male role model pronto, says the Rev. Jim Venice, founder of Pure Heart Ministries in St. Louis, part of Exodus International, which works to help free people of "unwanted same-gender attraction."

"The chances of homosexuality go up . . . if there's a vacuum," he said. "Not having a connection with the father is the No. 1 contributing factor in gender identity disorders."

In A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality, clinical psychologist Joseph Nicolosi lays out a father's duties:

"He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son . . . help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a wooden peg into a hole in a pegboard, or he can take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help noticing that Dad has a male body, just like he has.

"Psychologists call this process 'incorporating masculinity into a sense of self,' and it is an essential part of growing up straight."

Did we mention that other people don't buy it?

"Gay people realize they are different at all stages in life," said Jean-Marie Navetta, national spokeswoman for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. "And there aren't 'signs' of it. There are plenty of gruff gay men, and many sensitive straight men who cry more than I do."

She called it "crazy" to try to steer a child a certain way.

"That's been rejected by every major medical and psychological association as not only wrong, but incredibly dangerous. It can lead to depression, self-hatred and even suicide."

The parents here need not fret, but if so inclined can monitor the situation, talk with a group like PFLAG for advice and watch how their son is treated at school.

"If he's gay, they should face their own guilt or second-guessing, almost like a grieving-and-acceptance process," she said. "Then they should be there for their child, gay or not."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information. For Dare to Ask podcasts, go to Jacksonville.com keyword: milano.